TEEN: INTERRUPTED
Missed the first fifteen minutes because I was enjoying the sight of Joe Pasquale dangling from a helicopter too much. But from what I gather in the official update, Teen's still brooding about Eeeevil Shazz, Big Mo's flying into a jealous rage about Pat that I kind-of understand but it's looking a bit crypto from where I'm sitting, and PantoJane's still soldiering on.

Girl Midwich Twin needs a bra to hide her growing alien breasts - maybe she's caught them off Teen. PantoJane decides to take her on a shopping trip for her first bra. Bealemeister is at first cross, but then realises that he can't join in his little girl's rite of passage without a howling mob appearing on his doorstep waving signs saying: "Pedos out!". Instead he goes to visit CJDave in the hospice. As soon as CJDave sees Ian he starts hurling himself around the room - probably thinking that Ian's going to hold a pillow over his face. But no! Ian's going to bore him to death with tales of PantoJane's saintliness instead. God, death by slow torture or what. CJDave's probably begging for the morphine...

Meanwhile, those wacky Ferreirazz are debating what DJ Ross is going to do with the money. Scalliq is buying champagne trebles all round, and Teen's trying to convince him that it would taste nicer if they had strawberries in the glass "just like in Pretty Woman". Mmmm...classy. Why is Teen there, you cry? Well, she's been whining at Denman, trying to get him to say: "I prefer you to my skanky sister...yes I do...oh yes", but Denman's being stubborn. She tries to tell Shazz to give him up, but Shazz just flicks her hair into an Evil Quiffette, and tells Teen that it's only a matter of time before Denman races back to her bed. Teen threatens to tell O-Den.

Shazz shrugs: "Go on then..."
Teen: "I will you know".
Shazz: "OK. But Denman will dump you faster than a day-old kebab, so off you go"
Teen: "I'm going..."
Shazz: "Bye then..."
Teen: "I really will tell O-Den"
Shazz: "You still here?"

Off Teen goes o O-Den's house, where she can't actually bring herself to whine directly about Shazz. O-Den tells her not to worry her pretty little head, that all blokes are a bit stupid, and why wouldn't Denman prefer her luscious norks to Shazza's (I dunno..maybe because Shazza's are real?). O-Den tells her to smarten up and flaunt herself a bit in front of Denman to make him appreciate her more. Hmmm...I see a new career as Take a Break's agony uncle for you, O-Den.

Big Mo is enraged when she sees Rainman buying Pat some flowers and recounting the best way to get from Angel to Watford during the rush hour, or something cab-like. It looks like Pat used some overripe charms on some bloke who can get him his cabbie licence back. Big Mo tells Rainman that Pat wants to get her scheming claws into him and ruin her Fagin-a-like crimewave. Rainman: not bothered, but agrees not to date Pat anyway.

DJ Ross decides to give Scalliq half of his compo, but he's scared that Scalliq will spend it on booze and loose women, and not on a trip to Hawaii. Scalliq reveals that they've all been drinking cheap plonk, and how they laugh! Jesus.

O-Den mentions to Denman that Teen came over for some advice about Shazz. Denman does a silent "grrr", but doesn't smash anything. Teen spies Shazz trying not to let her new quiff drop in her gin, and drapes herself all over Denman just to rub it in some more. Denman growls that he won't be anybody's plaything, you hear, and Teen has to stop playing games with Shazz's love, which is true and pure. Teen runs into the night as fast as her Hennes dress will let her.