(NOT) KNOCKED-UP DOC?
I don't see the final unravelling of Poline's WEB OF LIES, but I do see the build up.

Everybody's sad about Poline's brain tumour (except Moomin, but she hides it well).Straight Pike calls the hospital to find out when Poline can go in for her brain scan. Poline tries to tell him that her oncologist perished in a bizarre gardening accident and she fried the MRI machine with a laser blast meant for Moomin. Mmartin mooches Oedipally. Straight Pike tries Doctor Foxy but Dr is too busy injecting herself with baby-making drugs to care.

Anyway, Straight Pike finds out the way the plot is going and outs Poline as a liar. Everyone moves in with Moomin. Chloebecca thinks that the house smells of wee and wants to go back to Poline's, where the air is ripe with bracing odour of brimstone and charred banana.

Meanwhile, Ben doesn't like Sophie Thompson and pretends to lose his glasses/smashes his hearing aid/leave horses' heads on Sophie's sofa. Fill: uncomprehending.

@@ tries to get to the bottom of the Mystery of the Positive Pregnancy Test, but Parklife finds out and starts throwing accusations at any menstruating female within 100 yards. Eventually Mrs G buys two more pregnancy tests, and hands them to Chelski and Carly. Chelski and Carly show negative,and the whole family looks suspiciously at @@. Not really. Everybody goes: “Hmmmm…whoever could it be? Oh, haven’t we got to return GADawn’s coat?”

I can't quite understand why a doctor and a city trader type have to sell their Barretts starter home and live in a one-bed flat so that they can afford IVF, but there you go. Slimy gets hacky looks from assorted Dolescums. GADawn glares and momentarily deludes herself that Slimy is just waiting for the right time to dump Dr Foxy and move in with her. Slimy says that no, he wants to make posh test tube babies with Dr Foxy, not rough working class organic babies with GADawn, and offers her some abortion money. GADawn throws him out, then goes to Dr Foxy to arrange the abortion. Either that shows hitherto unknown levels of irony on GADawn's part or she really is that stupid. Oh, my mistake: it’s a flimsy plot device….

Slimy sees GAD stomping out of the surgery and rushes in to tell Dr Foxy that no, he is definitely not the father of GAD’s baby, but Dr Foxy says: “Umm…hang on a minute…married man…barren wife…pack your things and go, Bastard Face”. The following morning, she stops GAD in the street and smacks her one. Way to go with that Hippocratic oath, Doc. Later, Slimy tries to tell Dr Foxy that it was all over with GAD months ago, and he probably isn’t the father anyway. GAD tells Dr to check the dates and work it out for herself, after all, as GAD says: “You’re supposed to be the brainy one”. Go Go GADawn! Slimy left gaping in the street as wife and ex-girlf storm off in opposite directions.

Oh alright then…there’s another fight at Dot’s this time, and Chloebecca has to summon all her Moominpowers to make them stop shouting at each other. This involves shouting: “Stop shouting!” into the living room. Poline is affronted by a six-year-old child having a voice – after all Mmartin didn’t get his own lines until he was at least 13 and it didn’t do him any harm. She scuttles back to her lair to stick pins into Moomindolls, and Mmartin and Moomin decide to reveal the identity of Chloebecca’s real parents in the form of a fairy story. It would have been so much better as a light-sabre duel over the car pit in the arches, wouldn’t it.

Next door, Bradley is getting into trouble with Stacey over his faaancy City ways. Apparently he’s been given the task of organizing the firm’s Christmas party with the help of two posh PR fluffy types. Male PR fluffy bosses Bradley around and teases him about eating whelks for breakfast and being common; while Female PR fluffy wears very short skirts and gives him advice about how not to be common. Stacey is busy looking for a flat, which they are going to pay for with Bradley’s huge City bonus, apparently. Female PR fluffy pouts and invites Bradley out for sushi and more advice on not being common. Bradley blushes and goes out with the fluffy rather than look at a flat. Stacey: cross. Male PR fluffy teases Bradley about being 18 and not driving a car yet. Bradley says: “Umm…no actually, I’ve got a car. It’s green…and it’s…sporty with a...umm soft top…”. Then he goes out and buys an green soft-top sports car of some description (looks like a Peugeot from here) instead of spending it on a deposit. Stacey: crosser.

In other news. AGarry and Minty try to get Naomi to find them a flat. She doesn't, but does get a part time job at the surgery. Without an interview or checks or anything...wow. Fill makes them do something unspecified to the pub fireplace that was prompted by Sophie Thompson going on about chestnuts roasting on an open fire or something.

Other news 2: Ex Prison-now-Pat’s Bitch Bert doesn’t want to go to his wife’s funeral, then he doesn’t, then he does. He encounters a merry band of hooded urchins terrorizing the crematorium and is torn between horror and pride when he discovers that the Lead Hoodie is his grandson. What are the chances...etc.

EIGHT GO MAD IN DORSET
After all the excitement last week it is the LAW OF SOAP that this week has to be really shit. First of all, Parklife, Mrs Goggins, their assorted kids, Trinidad and Yolande all use Parklife's prize money to go to Dorset. In December. Right. I think a easyjet tip to malaga or something would have been more convincing but never mind.

@@@ has taken to calling Trinidad “grampa” and has started buying him horrible novelty records saying that there is no one quite like him etc etc. Trinidad pulls gurny faces and eventually confesses that it is all a tissue of lies! All the Gogginses are shocked and appalled but Trinidad says it wasn’t a scam and that he just wanted a proper family after his two idiot sons were written out of the show and everyone miraculously forgot about the whole foster parent malarkey.

Carly and Beano mooch around the village and meet a pub landlord who used to be mates with Parklife and who is something of a silver fox. Carly flirts with him but Deano keeps sabotaging it, possibly because he fancies the landlord too. Anyway, it turns out that Silver Fox is in cahoots with Parklife’s ex-wife/Carly & Deano’s mum, who is played by that hard faced one off Bad Girls who everyone thought escaped but ended up dying a horrible death in a sealed up room or something. Anyway, she contrives to meet the kids without telling them who she is. She later confronts Parklife and he goes “You’re dead to me! Our other son died and you didn’t even come to the funeral! Bitch!” He says they all have to leave Dorset and race back to London, but Mrs Ex Parklife says it isn’t over yet, oh no.

On the way back @@@ finds a pregnancy testing thing – who could it be, gosh gasp???

Meanwhile back in Walford, Prison Bitch Bert has a plot all of his own. Don’t encourage him pls thanks. He goes to visit his dying ex wife in the hospice and takes Pat instead of Mo as presumably he doesn’t want Mo stealing all the morphine and then selling it on at Chloe Becca’s nativity play. Mo is jealous and Charlie tries to be the voice of reason as usual, but as usual turns out to be the rather too high pitched voice of ineffectuality.

They bring Mrs Ex Burt back so she can die on Pat’s sofa. Umm OK – I hope those sofa cushion covers can be dry cleaned. They talk about the past and it turns out that Bert’s daughter also died of cancer without ever knowing about Bert, but that he has a long lost grandson who will no doubt be shoe horned uncomfortably into Walford in the next few weeks. Mrs Ex Bert says she wants to kiss Bert, even though he has an ugly beard (that’s no way to talk about Mo!!) and then karks it. Back to Poline’s reign of terror now please!!!

POLINE DAMNS THE WORLD TO HECK
We don't get to see the fire of DOOM, but it looks like Poline's fruitbowl survived the conflagration, as did she. Did MMartin make a dash through the inferno to save his sulking mother? Did Joe construct a rescue ladder out of bits of 2x4 and old knickers? We will never know.

All we do know is that Poline's expression hasn't changed since we last saw her, sitting on the stairs, clutching BettytheDog to her breast while Moomin conducted her very own speak bitterness session in the living room. There she is, in her hospital bed, eyebrows perfectly arched, and mouth like the proverbial cat's arse. Nobody wants to tell Poline the truth about MMartin and Moomin, even though she drops mile-wide hints at every opportunity. So Poline decides that if nobody is going to tell the truth, she's going to lie too. But she doesn't tell her loved ones that she's running a crack whorehouse out of Arfur's shed, oh no. She says that the doctors checked her for smoke damage and found...cancer. Apparently she has a brain tumour in her lungs and only has days to live, so everybody had better start being nice to her and doing as they're told, or she'll come back and haunt them or something. MMartin immediately promises to do anything she likes, including stuffing her corpse and keeping it in the living room while he dresses up in her old cardigans and cleanses the showers of Walford of SIN. Not really. But he does dump Moomin. Moomin: foiled!

It's also the run up to another Wedding of the Month. Panto Jane's mother, Auntie Mabel (aka Nurse Gladys Emmanuel) flies in from inspecting poo factories on CBeebies, and parks her spotty Damien Hirst plane down by the canal. Auntie Mabel doesn't like Ian. The words: "weasel-faced loser" are never far from her lips. Though she lets it drop that Jane's real name is Lesley.

PantoJane has the usual EE hen party, when a bunch of women she barely speaks to suddenly come together to drink champagne and talk about strippers/marriage being a living hell/quote Dylan Thomas. Except Junior Hussies DC Lucy and Lauren manage to invite themselves along too, and get drunk on cheap cava. PJane cancels the stripper and carts DC Lucy home. Ian gets cross and almost adds "can't look after other peoples' teenage children" to her list of crimes, except that DC Lucy says that having Panto Jane for a stepmother might be OK.

Poline looks at a photo of her Twiggyesque 1960s self, and wants to play an old record from her youth. Oooh, is it "Come Outside"? Joe finds her old dansette, and she cranks it up to play a Dusty Springfield classic. Blimey, all we need are the drag queens. Instead, we get Ian.

Ian wonders about not publicly humiliating PJane on her second big day, but then Poline tells him that she knows all about Martin and The Dirty Jackson and has decided to punish them by dying of cancer. Ian cries like a girl until Poline tells him to shut up, she's not really dying: she just made it up to punish the world for lying and possibly showing the damage that lies can do. Yes, that sounds like soap logic to me.... Ian tells her about PJane and Grunt, and Poline says that crushing her spirit isn't enough; he needs to tell the world that he is a cuckold three times over. In a church. In front of Auntie Mabel.

Meanwhile, at the Mitchells, Babs is organising some medieval banquet, complete with stuffed pigs head, some weird layered roast bird dish and a fat bloke in a dress chucking chicken legs about. Oh, that's Minty.

Fill has an attack of conscience and texts: "He KNOWS" to PJane. PJane runs into the rain in her dress, and refuses to marry Ian. Poline decides to have a go anyway, and is wearing a special Satanic Red outfit for the occasion, with matching hat. Ian runs off to read Jane's list of crimes in the street or something. What follows is possibly one of the worst things I have ever seen on TV. And I've been watching The X-Factor.

It rains. Ian screams. PJane screams back. PJane runs off to the allotments and cries a bit. Ian runs after her, still screaming. Then suddenly it's dark, and they fall into Arfur/MMartin's carrot patch and start throwing mud at each other, still screaming. Ian says he gave her everything: a job, three kids to look after, a house to run, free chips and choice of leftover fishcakes every other Saturday...everything a woman could want. But PJane says she wanted more, like baldy ex-para loving and lots of it. Obviously Ian calling the shots was never good enough for Miss Picky, eh Patrick?

Anyway, in the middle of all this...perhaps Ian swallows some of MMartin's leftover hemp seeds...Ian has a revelation, and decides that he really does love PJane, and that they can put all this behind them. PJane is only marginally less surprised than we are...Poline sees them from her lair and scuttles out to remind him of his duty to rend PJane limb from scarlet limb. Ian says he's changed his mind, and maybe Poline should say that the cancer diagnosis was all a mistake, and they mistook her for the hatchet faced harridan at the other end of the ward...Poline scowls and says: "Go to hell..." Excellent!

THE PERILS OF POLINE
Another semi crib this week, I’m afraid as I was out a lot last week and am super busy this week. I’m sure I have missed loads out but that’s what the comments are for!

Anyway, BroJo calls off the wedding to Davetta in front of everyone but she still sucks up to him and begs him to keep lurving her. Both Jojo and Davetta take it in turns to march into the salon and slap Priitstick for letching over BroJo, in one scene Priitstick is wearing a huge and bizarre red ribbon in her hair like Toni Basil. Priiti says that actually BroJo started it.

Davetta suggests to BroJo that they both move to her big house in Essex so she can lock him naked in a room and stare at him 24 hrs a day through CCTV (possibly). Meanwhile Jojo, BroJo and Bradley worry about what to tell JoJo Ma re Bro Jo’s miraculous return from the dead, esp as JoJo Ma seems to be acting a bit down, even though she swears she is taking her meds. Annoying Brat Davetta keeps whining that she hasn’t been introduced to JoJo Ma as BroJo’s intended. Bradely tells her to keep out of it. JoJo goes to see her mum and is about to tell her about BroJo but can’t go through with it and confesses her abortion shame instead. They both hug and cry.

Smarmy Metrosexual says that he lurves GADawn but can’t leave his wife because they have started IVF or something. Dawn says that she's a gift wrapped kitty kat and only turns into a tiger when she’s under attack. Later on Dr Fox(y lady) says that she has been made permanent and that they can move into the flat above the surgery. (Eh? I thought only pubs came with built in accommodation…) Smar-Met is shocked and appalled that she might get wind of his philandering once she gets to know everyone.

Davetta decides to take matters into her own hands and takes some flowers round to JoJo Ma and is prattling on like “I’m sure BroJo has told you all about me! I used to be a likeable and sympathetic character but now I’m an annoying little madame!” JojoMa and then Davetta’s faces are a picture when they both realise the truth. I miss the shocking climax to this plot, but apparently BroJo goes around and has a fight with Jojo Ma and blames her for everything. Everything! I’m sure there was a lot of ACTING involved. For some reason Davetta decides to leave Walford FOREVAH and become a ballroom dancer in Essex. Byeee!

Sophie Thompson has been put off by Ian’s poisonous muttering and is avoiding Fill, She comes running back though at the first sight of his big potato head. Weirdo. Babs fusses around and interferes, as she always does when there is a chance of one of her spawn getting laid, but it appears that Ben does not like his new mummy.

Ian is in full on weasel mode, with lots of evil face hug action. He cancels the caterers and does other sneaky things while PantoJane skips around going “Wahey! I’m getting married” and tries out severe hairdos with Nurse Tanyah. He buys a pay as you go phone and texts Jane, saying that he is Guh-want wanting to meet up for a night of hot loving. Jane goes to the Park of Contemplation to meet him and Ian spies on her. (There are some funny yet incomprehensible scenes where little Bobby dresses up as a princess. Perhaps Str8 Pike has revived his Mr Benn activities). He does not keep his new decepta-phone long enough to hear Jane leave a message saying “It’s ovah Grant! I love Ian!”

Dole Scum Keef keeps forgetting to go shopping so his kids have to eat crackers for breakfast. Remind me again why he is still in it? There is some non comedy bobbins with Dasbo and Mickney buying dodgy DVD’s off a pretty Chinese girl in the street – kudos to EE for acknowledging a current trend but to be honest, most of the ones I see selling DVD’s don’t appear to be born in England and speak good English…

Oh wow, it all starts kicking off re Poline this week. First of all, Moomin and Martin keep having filthy moominsex assignations at Dot’s. There is a non comedy mix up at one point and Dot gets to see Martin’s throbbing member. Vom. Dot keeps telling them that they have to tell Poline, but Martin is too chicken. Poline is depressed (like, even more than usual) and keeps staring sadly at pictures of Grange Hill era Todd Carthy. Str8 Pike is totally unable to cheer her up. At one point, Dot, Str8 Pike, Martin and Moomin are all discussing her, not realising that Poline is sat on the stairs listening in. Moomin is going on about how Poline is such a vindictive old witch and only Dot defends her. Poline gets more and more stony faced as they prattle on and then runs upstairs to hide. Once they have gone she cadges one of Dot’s fags and puts it down carelessly and then goes upstairs to pack a bag. The fag falls onto a doily or something and catches fire. Ruh roh. Poline doesn’t know what is going on until smoke starts pouring into the room. By this time Martin and people outside have seen it and Martin runs into the Fiery Inferno and starts calling for her. Poline sits in silence upstairs and waits for DEATH!!!!!! OMG, for the first time in years I am dying to know what happens next!