THIS ISN'T THE PUB YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
LadyDen wakes up alone in bed and cries the bitter tears of the husbandicide. she does pubby things until Sham shows up bearing Babs old licensee sign. Sham spends all day stroking the sign and reminding LadyDen that unless she gets the pub she is going to grass LadyDen up to the cops. She tells LadyDen to fuck off back to Espana and LadyDen is later seen to book a one way flight to Malaga. They hear from a random Slater that Teen is, you guessed it, moping around and LadyDen races over and suggests that Teen goes off to Spain and stays in a friend's house while she gets over her metal dog bludgeoning trauma. Teen agrees, because she has no mind of her own.

Curly has spent the night at Sham's and has a shirtless scene. Hmm, not bad but I still think his head is too big for his body. I like Curly a lot more now that he is a gay IRL, pathetic or what. Curly and Lee argue about gangsta business. zzzz. Lee goes and drinks in the Vic alone, he eyes up LadyDen and then goes upstairs and acts all flirty and offers to fix a tap for her. He gets sprayed with water and changes into one of O-Den's shirts - OFF CAMERA??? what's the point in that? LadyDen acts all hot and bothered while this is going on. Hubba hubba. Etc.

Rosie Klebb gets an advance from LadyDen and inexplicably puts it in the money tin instead of say, keeping it in her goddamn purse. Keef nicks it to take Genghis to the vet and Rosie goes mental and starts battering him and screaming for him to get a job. Ha ha ha, Dolescums, your tears are so sweet!

More tedious bickering between Poline, Moomin and Martin. zzzz.

Jojo agrees to go round DC Lucy's and watch a DVD with her and Jane. Ian is not pleased that Lucy is friends with Jojo but Jane says he has to leave her to it. Martin, Mickney and Juley all decide to go clubbing again (possibly leading up to a "my drugs hell" storyline for Juley - at least that will give Gus something to do - he can hold his hand while he vomits and cold turkeys etc) and JoJo tries to invite herself along and then tells Lucy that she can't meet up with her because Jane was mean. Martin points out that she wanted to go clubbing instead and Lucy gives her a "your head will burst into flames" glare. Jojo apologises.

When Sham discovers that Teen is going to Spain, she races round and talks her out of it. I have met slugs with more spine than Teen. They go to the Vic and confront LadyDen. LadyDen tries to talk Teen into going but Sham hints that she will tell Teen the shockng truth re O-Den and LadyDen backs down. Sham tells Teen to go and get a drink (Teen: "Yes master... thirsty now..." - perhaps Sham can do Jedi mind shit) and then slaps LadyDen and throws her roughly to the ground (sorry Sham, but you are not the best slapper on EE by a long shot). A bottle of ketchup breaks at the same time and Sham points to the red liquid (what can this symbolise? it is just too obscure for me) and discusses O-Den's grisly death, forensics, blah blah. She says that LadyDen has 24 hours to give her the Vic OR ELSE!!!!

OUT, OUT DAMNED DEN
Sorry folks, I'm sorry to say that I missed every single showing of Friday's EE, and the cat ate the video. So it's a shoddy crib off the BBC site again.

PantoJane vs DC Lucy round XIV. Ian tells PJ not to be such a pushover. PJ says that she isn't, and then gives Lucy some DVDs to lend to a "friend". Not sure if Lucy sells them to the dodgy market bloke, then uses the profits to buy cheap vodka for JoJo, but JoJo gets involved somehow and tells Lucy that PantoJane's make-up style is for crumblies, and Lucy needs a proper skanky ho makeover. Ian: cross when he sees his daughter painted and primped like a ship's figurehead. Or maybe she reminds him of Juhneen. He's even more cross when he finds out that Keef paid DC Stephen and Dumber to do a leafletting job for him.

The Dolescums have to pay back £500 in stolen benefits. Blimey, that was uncharacteristically efficient for the DSS.

Lee and Curly argue (again) about Curly being useless. It appears that they calm down and make up again. Well, that's good to know.

Moomin tells MMartin to tell Poline that it's their (hers and MMartin's) mortgage, and if they want to throw it all away and spend a lifetime on a credit blacklist, then that's their decision. Poline looks just like Ming the Merciless on the BBC update, and tells MMartin to get all thoughts of independence out of his head, he's hers forever and no Moomin powers will ever release him, bwahahahahah!

Back to the DeadNoReallyDen plot. Teen's busy sleepwalking around the square, washing her hands and mumbling about perfumes of Araby. She decides to 'fess up to the fuzz, but Sham tries to talk her out of it. There appears to be a discussion with Drippy in which Drippy advocates martyrdom as beneficial therapy. Oh boy, tie her to the wheel already. Teen sends a cryptic message to the Vic via Drippy. LadyDen and Sham are busy arguing about ownership rights or something equally tedious. It's a pub. A rather dodgy pub with crap toilets and in need of a coat of paint. Not worth it., girls. Walk away and spend the money on shoes or something. Oh...anyway, on hearing Drippy's message, they both vault over the bar and rush over to Teen's. Sham talks weeping Teen out of going to the police and LadyDen marvels at her manipulative powers. Sham tells LadyDen that she knows who really killed O-Den, I mean really this time. And she's going to...do something...if LadyDen doesn't start dancing to her tune.

Adull and Martina's relationship is in trouble. Sorry, just ran out of care.

Keef-er Madness

There is some kind of big shindig at the club, which is the centre of
many plotlines today. It is Curly's first day on the door and he is
nervous in case he is going to be LURED TO HIS DEATH or something. He
is questioned by DS Cheferton, who is suspicious that the Moons were
first working for Byrite and are now working for Tony Bennett. He says
wacky things like "What was going through Byrite's head, apart from
the wheel of a big truck?" What a comedian. At the club, Lee notices
that Curly is v twitchy and asks Fool what the hell is going on. Fool
explains that Curly was working for Byrite just before he was killed.
Lee purses his Kenneth Branagh style non-lips.

Jojo is hanging with DC Lucy in the shop. Jojo is all "Jane's a bitch!
She's not your real mum!" Scalliq and Juley come in and Jojo says she
will see them at the club. They mock her for being young (One of them
says something like "Yeah, see you through the round window" which was
quite funny) JoJo catches DCL laughing and tells her to go back to her
faux-mum. Jane is still all on eggshells round Lucy but then they bond
over make-up. DC Lucy is quite sweet and non-satanic this episode. Ian
comes in - I hope he is going to start shouting "Why are you painting
my daughter like a harlot!!" but he just leaves them to it.

Dole Scum Keef puts on his shabby 1980s burton suit and goes round the
Square asking for jobs. Hey Keef, no-one is working at the Nail Bar at
the moment! He has no success and what's more, LadyDen grabs his 20
squid note and uses it to pay off his bar tab. At home, Rosie Klebb
starts screaming that they now have only £5 to live on FOREVER. Hey
Rosie, you just have a crappy part time job so why don't you get off
your arse and look for another job too. People are speculating that
this is all leading up to an adult illiteracy plot for Keef, though
surely someone who has spent so much time in front of the telly would
have watched that "learn to read" programme about illiterate truckers
that used to be on telly on Sunday evenings in the 70s - what was it
called now?

Adull and Martina bicker about their doomed non-gay love. Adull sits
in the cab office all evening phoning gay sex lines (probably) while
Martina goes to the club with Kareena. Martina's caramel coloured fun
fur coat is completely horrid, btw. Adull runs off to the club but
Curly won't let him in as he is not "dressed to impress". JoJo also
gets turned away, on account of how she is twelve. Martina decides to
have fun anyway. Kareena tries to blag some coke off Scalliq, but to
no avail.

Moomin moans that Martin is tied to apron strings and that Poline is a
funsucker. Moomin, you knew all that stuff when you married him. Also
I wouldn't particularly like to be kept awake by the full throated
mating cries of a moomin so shut it. They stay in for a bit but then
get bored and go out to spend money and be irresponsible.

Drippy runs into Billy in the street and he runs away. She asks Minty
to be nice to Billy and get him out of the house. Billy, Minty and
Fool go out for a drink together but then Billy runs away when Drippy
passes and says hello - just a thought but maybe you could have gone
to a pub where she doesn't work.

Sham potters round Byrite's house and chats to Minty. She gets a
letter from his lawyer and assumes that she will inherit the house.

Teen is still moping around. I should really set up a macro for that
sentence. Mo keeps badgering her to find out what is wrong but Teen
just whimpers uselessly. God Teen, just blame the "miscarriage" or
something. LadyDen phones up and tells her to get her arse out onto
the stall and act normal and then spends the rest of the day snapping
at Drippy. Sham goes round the Vic and asks for her bar job back and
then gets LadyDen upstairs and asks when she is going to get her half
of the Vic. They exchange a series of insincere smiles and shifty
sidelong glances and LadyDen says that she will keep her word, but it
is too soon to hand it over straight away. Teen comes round and starts
whimpering and LadyDen tries to arrange to meet her seperately. Sham
is apparently intelligent today as she notices this and tries to get
Teen alone too and stop LadyDen seeing her alone. There is a symbolic
shot of Teen, sat in the middle of LadyDen and Sham as they both hold
her hand. Do you see what they did there? Eh? Eh? Sham outmanoeuvres
Ladyden and arranges to take Teen to the club for a girly drink. They
drink a couple of tequila slammers and Sham gets Teen to admit that
LadyDen is accusing her of being the murderer and is being
simultaneously protective/scary. Sham is all "oh, is she now" and says
they have to stick together to resist LadyDen's machinations. She
doesn't tell Teen that LadyDen was the bludgeoner though. Ladyden
appears and they all exchange yet more sidelong glances/fake smiles.
There is only one way to settle this - I'm talking drinks thrown in
faces, evening gowns and a swimming pool.

HER HEAD IN IS A BITTER WAY
NB: anybody who can identify the song that line comes from is officially sadder than me.
Everybody still thinks O-Den's on his "business trip", so Sham, LadyDen and Teen have plenty of time to develop their obsessive/compulsive disorders. Sham's clearing Byrite's stuff from the house (isn't it hers again?). Apparently Quentin got there first because all she gets out of it is a small box containing a jazz mag and some aftershave. Minty tries to look sympathetic, but Sham's says she's not bothered, and twitches. LadyDen comes over to apologise, but Sham tells her to get stuffed and worry about Teen because she's gonna crack any day now and Sham is the only one acting halfway normal...

Teen is approaching her nineteenth nervous breakdown of the day, then she sees JoJo rummaging around in her wardrobe, close to the White Jacket of Doom! Lots of screaming and a bit of backchat from JoJo as she is thrown from the room by the Shoulders of Justice. Teen runs down to the launderette to wash the jacket. Cold water and Vanish, dear...oh, she's tumbledrying it. That'll work. Not. LadyDen has a go at Teen, telling her to pull herself together and stop wringing her manhands. Teen whimpers about LD being heartless...oh shut up, Teen.

LadyDen's OCD is to twitch her hair a lot and shout at anybody who asks where O-Den is. Drippy gets it in the neck first, when she moans that Silent Tracey has deserted her post. Pat steps in and flirts goddessly with the punters. Then O-Den's mobile rings. LadyDen answers the phone and says: "Silly O-Den! Fancy leaving his phone behind!". Pat's earrings twitch suspiciously and she goes into Gran Detective Mode. LadyDen tells her to stop sticking her nose in. More twitching...Teen whines on about LadyDen not taking care of the details...bored now.

Lee's still thinking about Tony Bennett's offer, but he's also worried about Curly. Tony says that Lee would be giving up a "magazine lifestyle" (which magazine, The Big Issue?). Fool tells Curly that Tony's not after him, and maybe he should, like, get a job or something to help out. Curly thinks that's a brilliant idea, and decides to burgle Byrite's safe. Lee catches him and despairs some more, but then has the wizard wheeze of persuading Tony to give Curly a job on the door in return for this Quentin-like job. Watch this space for the hilarious consequences.

Dumber wants money for a school trip. A likely story! Anyway, it prompts Keef to consider a visit to the Job Centre, but a mock interview with Dumber makes him think again about his lack of qualifications. Dumber does an amazingly accurate impersonation of a lady who once interviewed me for a shelf-stacking job in Sainsbury's ("Now Ms S, how do you think a degree in English Literature will help you arrange tomatoes on shelf?"). Keef bottles out of the Job Centre interview and sits in the allotments instead. Rosie thinks he's on the way to full employment and celebrates by buying a 1980s charity shop suit an advance from LadyDen.

PantoJane moves into the Beales' den after Ian promises free meals for the Ferreiras if they help her. I think the producers have a rule of only two Ferreiras in any episode. There's another Adull/Martina fail to get it on sub-plot that will probably end up with Adull falling into the arms of Scalliq. PJ breaks a pot made by DC Lucy, but Lucy doesn't mind. She's probably got one upstairs made out of CJDave's skull or something.

Poline and Gay Pike have had enough of Moomin's all-night orgasmic shrieking. Poline tries to ask Moomin to turn it down a notch, but Moomin just croaks something about college, blushes and runs away. Later, she moans to MMartin that they can't even have loud, dirty all-night sex without his mother moaning about the noise. What I want to know is: how come Poline and GP have only just noticed?

Shabbo Grave

I had a Video Programming Disaster last night so this is a lame BBC
website recap, I'm afraid.

LadyDen has the Vic cellar cemented over and tells Rosie Klebb to give
the pub an extra good clean, paying special attention to any stubborn
bloodstains. Genius Sham hides some evidence under her sink at home
and is nearly caught by Minty. Teen is freaking out at home and gets
Mo to cover the stall for her.

The cops arrive, but not about O-Den. They are trying to find out who
made Byrite re-enact "It's Raining Men" – his favourite song of all
time. They talk to Sham and she can't think what to say, as "I was
helping murder O-Den" isn't the best alibi. Poor old Sham, what are
the chances that two of your nemesiseseses get murdered on the same
night? LadyDen also talks to the cops and says that O-Den is on a
business trip – that's a bit daft. Why not just say that he ran off
after Shazza and never came back?

Poline is cross about Martin's "lewd behaviour". Also she finds out
that they are behind on their mortgage and decides to be more strict
with money. How come Poline always gets the worst plots ever?

The Ferrieras get a minicab account with Tony Bennet. Adull says he
will take Martina to a special lunch to celebrate but then blows her
out. "Cracks are appearing in their relationship" it says here –
possibly because Adull is totally gay and, depite appearances, Martina
isn't actually a man.

Lee is shocked and appalled after witnessing Byrite's shoddy death
scene. When Curly finds out that Byrite is toast, he runs around
squealing and is sure that he will be next. Tony Bennet is pleased
with Lee and offers him the "Quentin" role in his crime business, or
something. When Pat finds out that Byrite is dead, she goes into go Go
Gran Detective mode and questions Tony Bennet. Someone should tell Pat
that she isn't actually appearing in an episode of "Murder She Wrote".
Tony Bennet warns her off and says he doesn't have anything to feel
bad about, whilst totally not denying it at the same time.

The three murderesses meet up in the vic for a conference. I imagine
that Sham and Teen are annoying and keep jabbering on and freaking out
and saying "The horror! The horror!" and that LadyDen is all icy and
controlled and keeps telling them to pull themselves together, that
they have to stick together and everything will be alright. No doubt
she does her "hand on hip and head tilt" special move a few times. In
the end Sham calls her a "cold hearted bitch" and LadyDen goes mental
and slaps her. Good.

YOU ONLY DIE TWICE
LadyDen is the new Manhands. Unless they got some special "claw" model's hands to stand in for LadyDen's while she paints her talons "Murderess Red" in preparation for the night's festivities.

Tony Bennett's club (called "Scarlett's"...pourquoi? j'ai pas...) is opening, and as usual this means that he doesn't bother inviting proper z-list celebrities - not even Abi Titmuss or a couple of lower-ranking Hollyoaks blondes. Instead he gets Big Mo and Pat. You're aiming for the front page of next week's Heat then? JoJo tries to persuade Tony that he needs to concentrate on the tarted-up jailbait demographic, but Tony just pats her on the head and laughs. Byrite gets Quentin to give Pat her severance pay. She uses it to buy everybody in the pub a drink. The Dolescums pick a fight with Poline, and accuse her of grassing them up to the DSS. Poline says that if she had grassed them up, she would have announced the fact in seven foot high neon letters on Arfur's bench. Den and Pat concur, and Rosie has to apologise. Right, so that's that one out of the way then.

Teen's moping about in that ghastly pink coat again. I'm sure there must be a better option in all that unsold stock lying around in her lockup. Sham, Teen and LadyDen all contrive to meet up in various wide-open locations - the most ludicrous being around a burning dustbin on the allotments. There doesn't seem to be an allotment-holder to chase them off his cabbages, either. Anyway, I think the producers are aiming for a Macbeth motif.

My dad was visiting while this was on, and wanted to know what those three women had against O-Den. We told him he didn't want to know.

Poline, meanwhile, is cross that O-Den's builders aren't holding the door open for old ladies with dogs, and produces a doorstop that looks suspiciously like a petrified Betty...oh no, there's Betty, growling at O-Den. Phew! O-Den removes the doorstop and places it on the bar. Now pay attention, because that was an Important Thing to Do, OK?

Important Thing No. 2. O-Den has a hand-held camera stalker moment, and follows a familiar-looking blonde through the market. She turns around, but it's not Shazza. Very Blair Witch or whatever. He disappears mysteriously for a bit, then arrives back in a taxi, clutching a big box. It's a dress for LadyDen, which she decides to wear at the Moment of Truth. Bear with me, it's on it's way, but I've got ten pages of notes to wade through here...

Byrite continues being a total dick to all and sundry. Pat tells him that he's not very popular. Byrite goes: "Nyeaaaaah!". Tony says that he needs to take care of his community and not terrorise the locals. Byrite says: "That's Old Skool Gangstering, daddio! Nowadays we watch The Sopranos, so if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with my analyst and then I'm going to get me a suicidal one-legged Russian stripper for a goomah." Off he goes to the Park of Contrivance to shout at Curly about this evening's big meeting with Lenny the Lion. He also orders a cake from Ian. This is Important too. Weird, I know. But Important.

Ian delivers the cake, then goes to the Vic, puts on Steppenwolf and air-drums. Sad. He then puts on Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now", but there's no zombie-crushing pool cue action on Undead Den. Pity.

Fool is getting very very cross with Byrite, and keeps whining to Tony, Curly...whoever. Then somebody - I don't know who because my dad wanted to know why the young man in the jumper doesn't just go on an anger management course - tells him to sort out Byrite. Fool goes: "Yeah! Grrr..." and goes to shout at Byrite's locked front door. My dad mutters something about the benefits of meditation and is told to be quiet.

Teen's still moping. Rainman buys her a shiny thing to distract her. Teen breaks down in tears and says she's not worth it. It's only silver, love. Sham turns up to take Teen out for a night on the tiles. Around the corner, then.

Byrite has organised somebody from Totties-R-Us to deliver the Cake of Contrivance to Tony once they have run off with Lenny The Lion's money. Lenny the Lion turns up with a suitcase, and some exchange is made. God knows what they're worried about because Lenny looks like a snooker referee. Byrite, Curly and Quentin are about to run off with the money, but then Fool appears from nowhere going "Arrrrrrraghggggh!" and fights Byrite. Byrite discovers hidden ninja skillz to give Fool a big chinese burn. Fool whinges. Byrite says that he deserves everything he gets because Fool stole the only woman he ever loved away from him. Fool's a bit: "what? Slutty? Oh..." but then Curly pounces on Byrite and goes "Grrrr! Leave him alone!" Byrite and Quentin rush off into the night.

Byrite must be a bit fazed by all this because he doesn't notice that Quentin is going the wrong way to Heathrow. Quentin stops just by the bridge over approach to the Blackwall Tunnel in Westcombe Park, and spends a very long time having a pee. Run Byrite Run! There's a no. 53 bus stop about a hundred yards away!

Tony receives the cake from Totty and says: "oooh cake! My favourite!", shares it with the revellers (including JoJo, who scrubs up quite well), then disappears with Lee in tow.

Meanwhile, at the pub, Poline and O-Den bicker all night. She's wearing jeans. I don't think I've seen Poline in jeans before. Dot tries to keep the peace, but they're having none of it. Poline gets O-Den to confess that Shazza's the only love of his life and pities LadyDen. O-Den persuades Poline to tell Shazz that he's sorry the next time she calls. Exit Poline. Martin shows her his bum.

While O-Den's locking up, LadyDen has gathered the rest of the witches, puts Lisa Stansfield on the jukebox, and they're ready for him. He rounds the corner of the bar (handy things, L-shaped pubs), works out what has gone on in a trice, and sighs wearily. They all get their say, and O-Den gets some lovely responses.

O-Den: "Actually, none of this is about you, LadyDen..."
LadyDen: "Ummm...hello? Who's the wife here?"
Sham: "You took my pub, you demon!"
O-Den: "Oh, come off it. You're so stupid somebody else would have taken it off you soon enough, so it might as well have been me."
Teen: "I lost my baybay..."
O-Den: "You wanted to keep my son, remember? I suggested a way out. You went for it. I mean, it's not exactly rape, is it?"
Teen's not much use at all here, and snivels for the rest of the scene.
O-Den: "Look, you're all severely damaged weirdos. I played a Mephistophelean blinder here and gave you all what you thought you wanted, and now you blame me...ha! Stupid witches! And no, I'm not signing your stupid contract either. I don't care who knows I'm evil bwahahahaha! By the way, did you know that LadyDen was in on the whole Marcus scam? And we're still shagging. She's not called LadyDen for nothing you know."
LadyDen realises that it's time to play her trump card and out of the shadows walks...

SHAZZA!!!

And her jaw is working overtime.

Now that, my friends, is what is called crap timing. Either Shazza's been hiding under the optics all night or she's just walked in. Not sure which, but she's heard enough. She's hurt because she thought LadyDen was her friend, and that even O-Den wouldn't stoop as low as shagging Manhands.

OK, OK, we'll give Shazz a moment to fix her jaw while back to Charlton we go.

Tony and Lee appear at Byrite's car door and ask him to step outside. Quentin stands and smirks a bit. Tony says: "Let's walk over this lovely bridge and admire the view." Byrite looks over towards the Dome. Tony's arm pushes and over Byrite goes, straight onto the A2. Ahhh...that's why there's always a traffic jam on that particular stretch of road. The tarmac is littered with the remains of offed gangsters. I suppose he might have been saved by landing a passing lorry full of cat litter, but...bye bye anyway Byrite.

Ready? Back we to Walford, then. Shazz storms out and O-Den follows her. Shazz says she really has had enough this time because even LadyDen's lying to her now - she said that O-Den was ill to get Shazz to come over. Shazz has no father...yadda, and now she's off to find Denman. O-Den returns to the pub and rushes for LadyDen's throat. Sham squeals and they try to fight him off. Teen picks up the doggy doorstop and brings it crashing down on O-Den's head. O-Den falls. Sham squeals again. LadyDen glares at Teen and says: "You just killed my husband!". Brilliant. Teen's busy looking for her bracelet. Sham pulls her away and they go to look for a few binliners to dispose of O-Den's body. LadyDen stays with him and I think she's about to go through his pockets when O-Den does a Freddy Kreuger/Jason and revives long enough to grab LadyDen and threaten to take her to hell with him. LadyDen grabs the doggy doorstop and finishes him off, watched by Sham. Teen bursts through the doors a few seconds later, full of apologies, which LadyDen accepts. Sham looks askance and the credits roll...

Three is the magic number

Sham goes to see Teen and says that unless she talks to her and
LadyDen, she will go and tell the rest of the Slaters about her
Abortion Shame. Teen, go and talk to her for all our sakes! Teen heeds
our prayers and the Heroic Trio meet in the Park of Contemplation.
LadyDen has got some more Special Legal Papers from Amanda Exposition
and her and Sham talk about getting the pub back and stealing all
O-Den's money. Teen is disgusted that they just care about money and
stomps off.

Teen's stall has been trashed. Tony Bennet offers to help Mo sort it
out and flirts with Pat some more. Byrite sidles up to Fool and tells
him that Martin's stall will be next if he doesn't pay up. Fool goes
round to the bookies and says to Byrite "Why are you doing this to
me?" Byrite says something like "that's what your wife used to say
when I was shagging her and trying to fool myself that I wasn't a big
gay!" Fool attacks him and Quentin holds him back - he must have
picked up some martial arts skillz on the set of Kill Bill. Later on,
Fool pays some money to Byrite but says he has a plan. Pat lurks
around and makes her special "concerned" face. She tries to do her
Jiminy Cricket conscience routine with Byrite but he calls her a
"painted old trollope", grabs her face and threatens her. Tony Bennet
is going to kick your ass now, Byrite. He sacks her and puts her
severance pay in Pat's ample cleavage. Pat turns into Nomi from
Showgirls, says that she doesn't sell herself any more, returns the
money and walks off, all dignified etc.

More nonsense about the incomprehensible gangster plot. Tony Bennet
and Byrite argue when Tony Bennet changes the date. Byrite whines that
Tony hasn't kept him "in the loop". That's what he just did when he
told you, cretin. Byrite recruits Curly and says that they will mess
up the job on purpose to make Tony Bennet look bad. Tony might have
discovered that Byrite was responsible for the market stall trashing
too, I can't remember. BTW, I was chatting to someone at work and he
actually said that he liked all the gangster storylines

PantoJane says that she shouldn't move in while Devil Child Lucy hates
her - very wise, unless you want to start vomiting live snakes or
something. Her hair is almost a mullet – sort that shit out, Jane.
Poline talks to the hellspawn and Lucy admits that she is traumatised
by all the over-melodramatic plotlines Ian had with his previous
women. Jane tells them she won't move in but then Lucy changes her
mind after all. Whatever.

O-Den ("O" standing for "old and tired looking" today) takes LadyDen
to visit Angies grave. LadyDen asks why Angie turned to drink and
mentalism. O-Den says "Hmmm, she was fine when she married me, but
then got worse and worse. I can't think why". A light bulb goes over
LadyDen's head. He asks her to have his baybays and she says "I don't
think so!" She says she will never end up like Angie, even though her
mad hair is half way there already.

Dole Skum Keef has his benefits medical and fails. Ha ha! Rosie Klebb
thinks that Poline grassed her up to the Social and they have a
"dramatic confrontation" in the Vic. Rosie shrieks that Poline is a
grass and Poline points out that she has better things to do and that
Keef is not a patch on her dead embezzling husband anyway. Rosie
throws a drink in Poline's face and there is a confused fight between
Martin, Poline, Rosie, Keef and Mickney (sadly we do not get to see
Poline punch Rosie in the face) until O-Den vaults over the bar (I bet
they needed Crouching Tiger type wirework to get his old carcass
airborne) to separate them and chuck them out.

The Ferrieras are back. While they were away they seem to have spent
the whole time playing with each other's hair. DJ Ross now has a weird
bowl cut and Adull has a severe 80's style spikey do. Tony Bennet
invests in their cab business as it will make his new club more
attractive or something.

Teen mopes around and tells Fool that she wishes her mum was there.
Fool says that Teen is stronger than she thinks and should try
thinking "What Would Slutty Do?" Teen stares at herself in a mirror
for a bit and then puts on some clownish red lipstick ("Moxie" by
Boots No 7) and stomps off to confront O-Den. He is not there, so
LadyDen and Sham grab her and they have a secret meeting in the
bathroom. Teen explains the sorry tale of the Phantom Pregnancy/Denman
debacle to LadyDen, while LadyDen flinches and makes dramatic faces.
They decide that everything in the whole world is O-Den's fault and
talk about what they are going to do. Teen suggests hiring a hitman.
Crikey! Steady on, love. Sham and LadyDen laugh at her girlish
naivety. They try to think of a way to make him feel really bad but
can't think of anything as apparently "he hasn't got a heart". They
hum and hah for a bit and then LadyDen says she has thought of just
the thing. Vickney's head in a box a la Se7en? Digging up Angie's
withered corpse and propping it up behind the bar? Tune in to Fri's
hour long special (bad luck with the "hour long" part Sarah, though at
least it should be exciting) to find out!!

SHAM-ALONGA-TEEN-DONE
Fool's tat stall has been trashed by Evil Vandals, he tells Sham - but everybody really knows that it was a cry for help by Byrite. You see, Byrite's cross about Tony Bennett's community Kray-style is making him look a bit amateur, so he's decided to set up a protection racket. On one stall. Hmm...you need to go back to gangsta school, Byrite. Anyway, he makes another more unsuccessful demand for Fool's dinner money, then slinks off with Quentin to concentrate on his sweet-removal-from-sleeping-babies operation.

Sham tries to make friends with Teen, but Teen's too busy moping and thinking bad thoughts to concentrate. LadyDen and O-Den spy on them from the living-room. O-Den growls while LadyDen tells him to get over himself. Sham arrives for work, gets shouted at by O-Den, and then LadyDen corners her to discuss the Shaming of O-Den plan some more. She tells Sham that she and Amanda Exposition have got power of attorney or some legal shenanigans that I can't be bothered with. The upshot is she offers Sham half the Watts Empire if she comes in on it. Sham does that thoughtful look, and then makes a Mysterious Phone Call.

LadyDen catches Teen trying to avoid her. Teen calls her a baby murderer. LadyDen points out that it wasn't her signature on Dr Nick's consent form. Teen: mopey, blamey...blah. While moping in the Kwik E Mart, Teen encounters Cute Baby Aleesha and Demi. JoJo tries to kick them out and tells Demi that CBA is a millstone around her freckly teenage neck. Demi does that big-eyed thing while Teen tells JoJo off for being a heartless little bitch. Yeah, but she does it so well. They go to the caff. Dull conversation about how Demi chose life and wouldn't be parted from her baybay for the world...so when exactly did the Pope become a script consultant, producers? Nobody giving the alternative point of view? Not even Doktor Boden-Shirt?

In another part of the caff, Ian announces that PantoJane is moving in to the Devil Children. DC Lucy says NOOOOOOOOO! and her head swivels 360 degrees. Not really. She snits off, and DC The Other One asks her why she has to spoil everything. It's called Puberty...

All day everybody has been ignoring a bloke parked in a suspiciously new van on the square. The van seems to emit a strange white circle of light that flits hither and thither until it alights on...the Dolescums! Dumber Dolescum has stolen Keef's remote control, and will only return it if Keef plays with him. Keef's concentrating so hard on keepy uppy that he doesn't see the white circle or the video camera operated by the the DSS Mysteron van. Officer Mysteron mutters "gotcha!", but not in a low enough voice to be a proper Mysteron. He confronts Keef with the evidence, and yes, the Dolescums are going to lose their benefits. Send him on a Restart course!

The Moon storyline is utterly inexplicable. Tony tells Lee to tell Curly to stop following them like a kicked puppy. Curly whines: "it's not faaaiiir" and Byrite tells him that he's a Billy No Mates...well, coming from the expert... Lee tells Curly that he doesn't want him around for a while. Curly cries, then punches Lee, then runs off. Lee comes home to find Curly's bag packed and Curly about to go. Curly goes. OK,this is probably important, but...

Sham and Teen have some fucking weird conversations that usually involve the phrase: "You're a Mitchell..." or "I'm a Slater...Slaters...etc". At one point Teen says something along the lines of "I don't deserve the name Slater". Crap like this doesn't deserve the name Drama. So the upshot is Teen's upset and not even Rainman's clumsy affection can cheer her up because she has done an UnSlater Thing (I dunno, she's screamed incomprehensibly at random individuals, looked troubled, done stupid things, then slept with somebody she shouldn't have. That's the Slater way alright)

Byrite, in the meantime boasts to Quentin about what he's going to do to Tony Bennett (mess up his poster paints?) on this "job" and gets drunk. Once drunk he taunts Sham so much that O-Den is forced to throw him out and bar him for life. Sham decides to go in with LadyDen's evil plan, but warns her that she's not an easy mark. LadyDen tries not to laugh and says they both have to work on Teen now.

THE WITCHES OF EAST-20-WICK
By Mark...not me...
O-Den has sat up all night staring grimly out of the window, contemplating a future of panto and double-glazing ads, and also the death of his unborn child. He asks LadyDen what happened and she explains that they went into a tapas restaurant in Soho and Teen took a funny turn. Don't blame tapas. Tapas would never willingly hurt us. LadyDen does a great job of acting all concerned and then pulling hacky faces the second she turns her back. O-Den goes to see Teen and grills her to see if her story matches up with LadyDen's (the rest of the Slaters were told off camera, mercifully). He says that she shouldn't trust LadyDen as she always takes it out on O-den's bitches, but not on O-Den himself. He says that if Teen had an abortion she will rot in hell forever. Teen is sad and Charlie comforts her. O-Den goes home and sits in his room, staring at a picture of himself with Shazza and Vickney.

LadyDen goes downstairs and hears the sound of glass breaking. She finds Sham behind the bar throwing glasses around and generally going mental. Sham accuses LadyDen of stealing the pub and hiring her so she can laugh at her every day. Sham grabs LadyDen's curly locks and starts pulling her around. FITE! FITE! LadyDen gets the upper hand and throws Sham into the pile of broken glass. Ouch. She tells Sham to calm down and explains that it's all O-Den's fault and that Sham can help LadyDen plot against him. She says she will explain all later and that Sham has to use her
braincell for once and play it cool. Sham reluctantly agrees.

DC Lucy teases Dumber for being a wuss and having alcohol poisoning. The cut/bruising on his forehead has completely disappeared, btw. Ian asks Jane round
for a Valentine Meal and says he has something important to ask. Poline says that she bets Ian is going to propose but it turns out he just asks her to move in. She agrees.

It is Jim and Dot's anniversary. Moomin thinks that Jim hasn't got a nice present for Dot but he buys an old gramophone and sets up a disco for two in the
community centre. TriniDad is DJ-ing, hasn't he got anything better to do on Valentines Day?

There is some malarkey going on with Tony Bennet, Byrite, Quentin and Lee that I don't really follow, as I had to go into the kitchen at a crucial moment. There is a new, tuff, criminal ruffian heading to Walford. Tony wants Byrite and Lee to help him in a deal but is not paying Byrite enough. Lee has to lie to Curly. The club is reopening soon. Pat warns people about other people and so on. Arrange those sentences in any order to get another generic gangster plot. Actually, I don't care how lame this plot is if it means curtains for Byrite.

Byrite sees Tony chatting to Fool and looks jealous. Later on he goes over and says he is going to charge Fool 20% of his income for protection (£1.50 a day then?). He is all "It would be a shame if something happened to your incredibly cheap shoddy stock" whilst dropping £1-shop type picture frame on the floor. Fool just rolls his eyes.

Sham and LadyDen go to Losers Bench to talk. I can't think of a better place for a private conversation, except for ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. LadyDen is saying that she has plans in motion to take everything from O-Den and that Sham just has to wait and hang in there. Sham: "Why should I trust you, etc." Meanwhile at home, Teen is driven to distraction by the sound of CBF crying in the other room. She goes out for a walk and stumbles across LadyDen and Sham. LadyDen tries to send Teen home and says she will talk to her later. Teen starts ranting that LadyDen made her have an
abortion and talked her into it when she should have been talking her out of it. Sham; "What the hell is going on?" LadyDen snaps and says "Of course I talked you into it! You shagged my husband and were carrying his child! Duhhh!" Sham and Teen both say that LadyDen is an evil scheming bitch. LadyDen "But enough about me! We shouldn't fight each other, we should team up and wreak revenge on O-Den!" The other two walk away, leaving LadyDen rolling her eyes and making mad faces.

NO 13 BABY
(nb: I probably have used this title before, but...bothered)
The trouble with build-up episodes is that you have to pay attention because even the most mundane act might be Important For Later. Tonight, everything seems to pointing to the Kill O-Den/Byrite plot. Even Betty the Dog seems is giving Byrite/Den hacky looks.

There is a bit of light relief in that the Millers are being given a Kill JoJo subplot. JoJo gives Mickney some free stuff, much to Dumber's disgust. Dumber tells her that Mickney doesn't even know she exists, and Lucy's too busy making a wax effigy of PantoJane to play with her so she's JoJo NoMates ner ner ner. Then he says he doesn't fancy standing out on Mickney's stall all day (ummm...school anybody?), so can he hide in the shop instead. JoJo taunts him, and he drinks half a bottle of peach schnapps to prove his manhood. With a girl's drink? Hmmm, Dumber by name...anyway, he tries to snog JoJo, but the schnapps (and possibly JoJo's cheap skanky teen perfume) prove too strong, and he passes out. JoJo panics, an entire skive of Millers appears and shouts a lot until the ambulance arrives. We'll probably find out that Dumber has a rare intolerance to alcohol that causes his spleen to turn purple and rupture. Or is that wishful thinking? Anyway, JoJo cons Keef into lifting some tins in front of the CCTV, then shops him to the DSS Mysterons.

Tony Bennett does his lurking around the square being an eminence grise again. There's some stuff about O-Den having Tony Bennett's "plumbers" (plumbers mate=skate?...oh I dunno). Byrite goes to remind O-Den about said plumbers, and they square up to each other. Attempting to prove that his willy is indeed more substantial than Byrite's, O-Den tells him that he was behind the conning of Sham and he stole the entire Mitchell empire from right under Byrite's nose hardehar. Byrite tells Sham.

Tony wants Lee to do a "job" for him, but not to include Curly. Lee protests, but Tony says that Curly has "issues" - which is a novel way of telling someone that their brother is a fuckwit, I suppose.

Teen gets a lot of baby nonsense from the Mos. Drippy keeps hugging a 6-9 month-old's vest to her chest and wondering that CBF was once that small. He isn't that big yet, love. Teen runs to LadyDen and says that she doesn't want the baby at all, not if it's going to get stalked by O-Den and the adopted parents rubbed out etc. LadyDen says she knows a backstreet abortionist who will do it for cash, then removes the contents of O-Den's wallet and whisks Teen off to D&C before she has a chance to change her mind. They sit in a windowless room with a load of magazines for ages and talk about babies and whether or not it knows. I nearly eat my cushion with frustration at the cavalier depiction of a sensitive subject and try not to swear in front of the baby. Anyway, Dr Nick Riviera does the job, and LadyDen tries not to laugh when she tells O-Den that there's been an accident and he's not going to be a grandad. O-Den has only just finished purring at Dot's comment about his potential as a grandparent. Oh for god's sake, just kill him and let us all get on with our lives.

Billy won't take AGarry's rather lame advice about picking himself up, dusting himself off, and starting all over again. Billy punches AGarry (with some justification - shut up about your new life as a Slater bitch, please), and eventually gets chucked out by O-Den. Tony Bennett finds him snivelling on Loser's Bench (maybe they'll rename it Billy's Bench soon) and asks him if he's a Mitchell. Billy says he's a Nowhere Man, living in his Nowhere Land, making all his Nowhere Plans for Nobody.

Wooo...big build-up starts next week...oh boy.

APPETITE FOR DESTRUCT-DEN
Sorry this is late, gentle readers. I did actually try and post this by email on friday lunchtime but apparently the internet was broken or something. I tuned in expecting drama and thrills aplenty ON THURSDAY, but instead it
was just boring filler. Why dost thou torment me so, EE writers?

Anyway - lots of trivial nonsense to get out of the way first: DC Lucy
is still perfecting her Vicky Pollard routine ("Do I look like I'm
bovvered" etc) and emotionally blackmails Jane into buying a fancy
frock for her (after Jane held up a couple of shapeless black numbers
that would be more suited to an Italian widow). JoJo continues her
feud with Dumber, after she catches him lurking round the shop and he
makes fun of her crush on Mickney. Rosie still is hinting about a
wedding. Sham starts work at the Vic, ignoring catty comments from Ian
and O-Den, and bonds with Drippy a bit.

Fool tells Curly&Lee that he and Ethel 2.0 are definitely moving out
of the house. He stands in the betting shop making Sad Faces until
Tony Bennet agrees to see him. Fool says he isn't judging Tony, but
that he doesn't like to be beholden to gangster scum like him and
Byrite. Tony tells him off for comparing him to a wussy wuss like
Byrite and says that if Fool isn't scared of him (Tony) then he
shouldn't be scared of Byrite either. Later on he comes round with a
proper tenancy agreement and browbeats Fool into signing it. Tony then
goes and threatens Lee a bit and says that Lee owes him a favour now.

Teen mopes around the stall and wonders what to do about the baby.
Just a hint Teen, but your workplace is surrounded by coathangers.
O-Den keeps popping up and saying that he has rights and will get Teen
declared an unfit mother if she continues to defy him. Teen is sad and
goes home to mope around. JoJo, Charlie and Mo tell her to stop hiding
at home and say that the Slaters have nothing to be ashamed of -
they've forgotten Sullen already?

LadyDen and Exposition Girl Amanda continue to plot their evil
schemes. They manage to get O-Den to sign over half the pub to
LadyDen. LadyDen needs to sort her roots/extensions out. The drains in
the Vic block up and O-den discovers a handy hatch in the cellar floor
- where (spoiler) he will soon be rotting in hell, no doubt. O-Den has
told Teen to stay away from the Vow Ceremony so LadyDen goes round to
ask her to come over. Teen says no so LadyDen says "thanks a lot,
bitch, some friend you are!" Teen starts crying and saying that she
doesn't want the baby and LadyDen's ears prick up. She starts saying
supportive things about how no-one will judge her if she doesn't want
to keep the baby. Teen cheers up and considers fostering. LadyDen
"doh!!" She says it is OK if Teen stays away and that LadyDen will be
there for her and then runs back to Amanda and says that she felt
sorry for Teen, too bad to go through the "Ruining Teen's Life" scheme
and that now she is wracked with doubt etc about the whole thing.

They get ready for the vows while LadyDen agonises. LadyDen puts on a
kind of lacy silver/blue dress with rose/cleavage action. Amanda says
that if LadyDen goes through with the Vows, she can try and arrange so
that LadyDen gets all of O-den's money, not just half - but that if
Teen has a baybay there is a chance that O-Den will give all his money
to the kid. LadyDen says she has a cunning plan.

Charlie persuades Teen to go to the Vow ceremony. Dot is offered a
glass of champagne and says "I never touch alcohol, but as it's a
special occasion" That was quite funny the first 50 times she said it.
LadyDen comes down late and spots Teen in the crowd. She pauses
dramatically but then goes through with the Vow Renewal and doesn't
make a fuss at all.

PAGING VERA DRAKE
Did renewal-of-wedding-vows ceremonies exist before soap operas were invented? I'd never heard of them before the Furwank/Babs/Pat bow-tie incident. Anyway, LadyDen's got her lawyer staying at the Vic, which means lots of chances to slink around in satin tops and smirk knowingly at each other behind O-Den's back. Lawyer Lady draws up some papers that mean LadyDen controls half of O-Den's empire. Think I dropped off or had to empty the bin at this point.

O-Den, meanwhile is over at the Slaters, getting some practice in with Cute Baby Freddy. Mo tries to take his money, but Teen gives it back. More talk of babies and nappies: cost of...I'd put those norks to good use and save a bit of money that way, Teen. That's a point, has anybody ever breastfed on EE?

Sham's moaning to Minty about ordering the wrong fish and having no money to entertain Curly with. Minty finally snaps when she tries to tap him for a tenner and tells her to stop whining, bitch and earn herself some money like normal people do. Sham moans some more to Curly, who bunks off work early, thus annoying Goddess Pat and making Lee sigh again. LadyDen repeats her offer of a job, and Sham says yes. LadyDen smiles as another piece of her evil plan falls into place...bwahahahah! She spends the rest of the day distributing re-wedding invitations to random passers-by.

PantoJane cooks bangers and mash for the Devil Children. Lucy wrinkles her nose and says that actually her dad's a proper chef, actually, and they usually have home-made ravioli stuffed with Guatemalan sheeps' testicles on Tuesday. PJane gets the pancake pan out, manages to bond with Other Devil Child over pancakes recipes. Lucy acts up for Ian, and Ian tells PJane to make more of an effort. PJane can hear Lucy sharpening the knives for the human sacrifice...

Fool is sad because Pancake Day is the day he lost his parents because he refused to buy lemons or whatever. Ethel and Lee tell him to stop moping and cheer up, for God's sake. Fool announces that he has decided to move out of the house and back onto the streets, and Ethel 2.0 is coming too.

Moomin bumps into Teen in the launderette. There's a slight tiff, then Moomin notices that Teen is sad. All together now...MOOMIN POWERS ACTIVATE!!! Oh, those powers have been dormant for too long. Out they rush, along with a hefty dose of false memory syndrome. Moomin says that there's nothing like the bond between mother and child. Teen points out that she gave Moominbaby away, but Moomin glosses over that. Anyway, several minutes of sentimental whiffling about bonding during pregnancy (uh? She didn't even know she was pregnant) later, and Teen's ready to book the appointment at the Special Clinic, methinks.

Lady MacDenth

LadyDen and O-Den have a rehearsal for their wedding vow renewal with
Rev Villa. LadyDen then notices that a new £1,000 standing order has
been set up out of their joint account and asks what it is. O-Den lies
and says it for their pension. Ladyden pulls a mean face (for a
change) but today she actually gets off her arse and does something
else too - she ropes in a friend with suspiciously salon-perfect
ironed hair and starts pouring out her woes to her. It turns out the
friend is a solicitor and is called Amanda (which is what I was going
to call her anyway, as she looks a bit like TV's Amanda Holden. Spooky
or what). Amanda says she will help LadyDen stitch up O-Den
financially.

My heart sinks when the Millers appear, but I end up quite enjoying
their storyline. It turns out that Brainiac Rosie Klebb has been
ignoring loads of letters from the DDS (Department of Dole Scum) but
then a dole officer calls round their house to interview them and
decides that they are actually living as a couple and have been paid
too much benefit. Shame he didn't pop into the pub and catch Rosie
working there too, while he was at it. You can tell how much I hate
the millers when I am actually on the side of the DDS. Jojo is
especially hilarious today and makes fun of the Millers whenever they
call into the shop - she calls Dumber a "pikey" (I bet they get
complaints about that - also; pot/kettle much?) and later says that
DSKeef is dole scum and she may as well pay for his beer herself as it
is coming out of her taxes anyway. Yolande makes her apologise. Booo.
Keef tells Rosie that everything is going to be fine and they don't
have to worry about a thing.

Martin gets some screen time for the first time in weeks. His hair is
rotten - he looks like a star trek Vulcan who has tried to grow a
mullet. Some of Tony Bennet's flunkies knock into the fruit stall and
bruise some plums or whatever, so TB buys the damaged stock. He is one
of those Kray twin type gangsters who is loved by the community
apparently. He chats to Dot and Poline and they all pretend he used to
exist in the past and wasn't just made up out of thin air a few weeks
ago. He chats to Pat and it is pretty obvious that he used to be a
customer when she was a ho. She tells him to leave her alone and
shakes her enormous amber-ique earings at him. Tony also mocks Byrite
for not buying the club, tells Fool that he doesn't mind them staying
in his house and warns Curly and Lee not to do anything else wrong, or
else he will have them destroyed like a crippled horse or something.
Horses are certainly involved in the threat. Btw, Fool seems to have
replaced all his vile shirts with vile jumpers. What's that all about?

Sham asks for more responsibility so Ian lets her do the ordering.
She orders loads of cheap fish that no-one will apparently want to
eat. Sham correctly points out that they could "market it" so people
will try it. Every kind of fish from a chippy tastes the same anyway
so who gives a fuck? Ian calls her a crazy fule so Sham resigns
instantly. She goes to the pub to have a drink with Curly and LadyDen
offers her a bar job straight away to annoy O-Den. Silent Tracey
screams, silently, in the background.

Rainman is working long hours so he has money for the baybay. Mo
catches Teen looking at a crib in a magazine and yells that she won't
be able to afford all that fancy type stuff as she will have to spend
all her money on nappies and food. Babies don't eat that much surely?
They are only little! By the time they eat a lot you can send them out
to work as a chimney sweep or something. Anyway, this all leads up to
Rainman and Teen saying they don't want O-Den's money and Mo saying –
um yes, I'll take your money thanks. O-Den creepily tells Teen that he
will be with her "every step of the way".

LadyDen tells Amanda that she is not going to walk away this time and
wants all her money back from O-Den. Is this a first in EE - a woman
actually being sensible when a relationship goes tits up? Amanda
creates a diversion so LadyDen can swipe the keys to O-Den's Big Safe
of Secrets. They discover that the £1,000 is for a trust fund for
Teen's baby. LadyDen scores points by doing lots of Proper Soap
Acting, calling a Teen a "little bitch" and saying that she won't
support O-Den's "whore's brat". Oooo! Handbags a go-go. Amanda says
she will think of a way for LadyDen's name to be put on the Vic deeds.
LadyDen says everything has to in place for Thursday so she can wreak
her hideous revenge at the vow renewal ceremony.

PAT COVERS THE WATERFRONT
Whatever Zen Master Dr Perv managed to say to TriniDad yesterday seems to have worked. Now TriniDad is just pacing up and down, wondering if, you know, it would have made a difference if he had, you know, been there when Bad Brutha was growing up. Dr Perv says he was rather jealous of BB because at least TriniDad actually noticed him. Fair point, says TriniDad, and gives Yolande a hug. Dr Perv senses that his work here is done and hightails it back to Cambodia/Holby City. Bye bye Dr Perv. I'd like to say, well that's that with the BB-is-dead-story then, but I know it isn't.

Drippy accidentally tells LadyDen about O-Den throwing money at Teen. This throws LadyDen into a right old strop, and she goes straight off to yell at Teen for being a money-grabbing ho. Teen's busy hanging up a bunch of tops that even Girls Aloud would think were a bit lairy, but she's all tormented innocence and denial that O-Den will have anything to do with her baby. While LadyDen sulks in the caff, Teen tells O-Den to stay away, but then she starts crying again, and it's all very confusing. Lee sees LadyDen in the caff, flirts with her a bit, and tells her that, as an avid watcher of Trisha (yes! a reference to a RL TV programme!) he knows all about women and relationship problems and advises her to have a lesbotic affair with Teen, then make them both do a lie detector test in front of an audience of angry grannies. Not really. LadyDen goes back and tells O-Den that she wants complete openness and truth-telling, or she'll dye what's left of his hair fuschia, or something. Then she goes back to Teen to tell her to stay away from O-Den and his filthy money otherwise O-Den will start claiming more than visiting rights. Teen looks like she's about to start blubbing again.

Keef is angry with Billy because his refusal to open up the vid shop means that Keef has to watch Groundhog Day over and over again (see what they did there?). Drippy sends AGarry to spy on Billy. AGarry reports that Billy has descended into Single Man Hell, and the cockroaches are starting to complain about the mess. Drippy gets AGarry to take Billy out while she cleans up the flat. For god's sake woman, let the man fester if he wants. Billy catches her putting the vac away, demands her key and tells her to stay away, and no they can't be friends.

JoJo instructs Devil Child Lucy in the gentle art of Bad Stepchildhood while ripping the free lippy off copies of Sugar and selling them for a quid. Yolande tells her off for being rude to Keef. Devil Child Lucy goes home to practise her dark arts on PantoJane.

Tony Bennett has been hanging around the square all day. He also drinks black tea with no milk, which suggests that he's either That Hard, or he's lactose intolerant, the big girl.

Fool moans and strops about bringing Ethel 2.0 so low as to live in a squat. Hmm... a squat with hot and cold running water and leccy? Pat tries to help them settled down, but Fool is disappointed that Lee gets to Ethel 2.0 first in the battle for her soul. Ethel says she's staying, and that's that. Fool cries into his jumper. The doorbell rings, and it's Tony Bennett, wondering why the keys to his new house don't work any more. So how did Juhneen manage to offload that then? Tony lets the Moons stay, then whiffles on about growing up in the East End and how it was all fields round here, you know. This gives Pat time to come downstairs and bump into him. And yes, they do know each other, but when Tony asks Pat if she's "still working", Pat looks uncomfortable.

I'm just talkin about Shaft!

I am not exaggerating when I say I dozed off about 4 times during this
episode. The blog will therefore be a bit disjointed and nonsensical,
but will anyone notice the difference???

It is Bad Brutha's funeral. I always seem to get funerals. TriniDad
has gone on walkabout and Yolande and pie-fancying Dr Perv are worried
about where he is. It turns out he has gone to the cops to tell them
about Sham's bombshell revelations. Sham is not very pleased when she
finds out the coppers will be coming round for a chat. Trinidad tells
Byrite that he has been a-sleuthing and that he'd better watch out.
Byrite calls Trinidad "Shaft". Heh. Trinidad is a bad mother. Shut
your mouth. Etc. Byrite goes and tries to scare Sham by saying that BB
was a grass and his bosses will do bad things to her if she also makes
with the grassing. Sham says, "I'm a Mitchell, I'm not easily scared.
After all, I've seen Babs without her make-up on." Later on the police
come round and Sham is unhelpful.

Rainman goes to see O-Den and asks where Denman is. He is concerned
that Teen is not sleeping and eating and is experiencing sickness, in
the morning. O-Den is intrigued and goes to ask Teen if she is
pregnant. She is all; "No. OK, yes - but it's not yours. A big boy did
it and ran away. OK. It is yours. Boo hoo. What am I going to doooo?"
O-Den bulges his eyes a bit and later announces to LadyDen that he
will help Teen financially, out of the goodness of his heart. LadyDen
spends the whole episode standing on rooftops making tragic faces and
staring into the distance. You are letting us all down LadyDen. Enough
of the staring and more of the cutting and the stabbing, please.

JoJo continues to corrupt Devil Child Lucy. DCL is talking about Ian
and PantoJane and Jojo says that they are totally doing it and that
DCL should take the opportunity to get some cash out of them. Ian says
he wants a special talk and goes through the whole "do you remember
how Cindy, Mel and Simpleton were your mummies in the past…" routine.
DCL acts pissed off and gets £20 to cheer herself up. She goes and
splits it with JoJo - why JoJo, you can get an entire new wardrobe
from New Look for that and still have change for a bottle of Smirnoff
Ice!

Curly and Lee persuade Fool that it would be a good idea to move into
Pat's old house. Fool says "but you can't furnish a house in a day!"
Silly Fool. Don't they have IKEA in the Eastenderverse? (yes, having
seen shazza's old décor). Curly steals a truck full of furniture or
something. They move in, the electricity breaks down and Fool
discovers that actually he is living in a squat.

At the funeral, Trinidad walks off halfway through. Also he is beastly
to Yolande and is generally cruising for a bruising. Dr Perv says that
they should just concentrate on the funeral and let BB rest in peace.
TriniDad says "He's mah sonnnn! I can't rest until Byrite is locked
up!" Back at the square, T-D is shocked to discover that Byrite is
still a free man. Sham goes round and explains that BB was a grass and
was killed by a hitman. No, not Pete Waterman! A proper hitman. After
she has left, Dr Oerv explains that the hitman was probably a ninja or
something, and that they are very sneaky and can disappear in a puff
of smoke, so there's no way the police will catch them. (Hmmm, you
seem very sure of all this Dr Perv, what have you REALLY been doing in
the mystic far east, land of the ninja??). Trin-Dad makes a series of
comical faces (ie. cries) and says that he won't know what to do if he
can't get justice for BB. "What will I do? Blah blah?" I've got a
suggestion: Shut up!!!

WORST. BIRTHDAY. EVER.
Teen is a teen no more (but she's still Teen here, don't worry, readers). Big Mo cooks up a 21st birthday fry-up while JoJo cackles evilly about being fat and throwing up. Teen runs off and throws up, which prompts another of Big Mo's stories about walking around with a bucket attached to her mouth while pregnant or whatever. Teen goes: "Umm...what the who? Ah...oh yes...morning sickness...it's a trial...'scuse me...", and runs off to get a pregnancy test. O-Den bumps into her and tells her to hurry up and miscarry before LadyDen finds out.

Curly hates living in Ian's old flat and breaks into Barry/Juhneen's lovenest with a view to squatting it. Lee and Curly meet Pat for the first time, and mistake her for Byrite's mum, while Pat recognises a couple of bumbling ne'er do wells who need a big earringed mama to keep them on the right path. Anyway, Curly pretends that he's paid the deposit etc, but wait until Juhneen finds out boys, then you're in trouble. oohhhh...why can't they bring back Juhneen? If she couldn't persuade Byrite to wear slip-on shoes, no-one could.

PantoJane's not ready to be the next human sacrifice on Devil Child Lucy's list, and persuades Ian not to tell the Midwich children about their secret shagfests. Ian forgets to mention that Devil Child Lucy's evil undead friends have probably told her already. Lucy: clingy.

O-Den's demon seed has done its job (in just under two weeks...amazing). Drippy catches Teen weeping over her crypto-crinkly offspring, but Teen says she's just weeping because she thought she'd lost the baby but oh no, there it is...look. Oh boy.

Sham goes to see TriniDad because somehow she thinks BB's death is all about her. She mentions the evil drugs peddling, and TriniDad says that it must have been Byrite's fault for leading into the ways of evil. Sham says: "Is that the time? Oh dear..."

Dr Perv's back, and it looks like he's been overindulging the green curries. TriniDad overacts some more about Sham holding the key to BB's moiderer. Dr Perv pays a visit to Sham, then Byrite. Byrite offers to hand himself in if Dr Perv can prove that he killed BB or something like that. My pizza arrived, so I was busy. TriniDad insists that Byrite killed BB, but Dr Perv says he can't prove it, so drop it. It's not like BB was even his son anyway.

Drippy mentions the not-miscarriage to LadyDen, who puts on a "confused" face. Another loaded conversation where LadyDen tries too tell Teen that she won't kill her for sleeping with O-Den, but she needs to know. Teen says she is pregnant and says that it's still her kid and O-Den's not coming anywhere near it. It's all they know but they don't want the other person to know and ... agh...mildly irritating to boot. LadyDen scuttles off to Loser's Bench for a good cry, then tells O-Den that the baby is on the way. O-Den: shocked. Teen: tearful. Me: bored.

The Scarlet Letters

Byrite settles down with a bowl of cereal to watch cartoons, unaware
that someone has written "MOIDERER!!!" in red paint across the bay
window of his front room. When he finds out, he is peeved and orders
Curly & Lee to clean it up. He goes to the Kwik-e-Mart to shout at
Trinidad and accidentally jostles JoJo, causing her to break some
eggs. JoJo instantly rubs her slimy egg hands clean on his posh
cashmere overcoat. Ha ha! Byrite squeals "bitch!", shuts the bookies
and goes home so he can sit in a dark corner and rock back and forth.
Worst. Gangster. Ever. Later on, Yolande goes round and explains that
Trini-Dad is mad with grief and over-acting and asks Byrite to be
understanding and not to have Trini-Dad's kneecaps confiscated. Byrite
agrees, the big softy.

It turns out that Curly was the Phantom Red Paint Wielder!! He is very
pleased when he sees Byrite running around with a haunted expression,
muttering and flinching and generally losing it. The Moons are all
concerned that Ethel 2.0 is spending all her time locked in the toilet
after her ordeal at the hands of White Van Diesel. I would think that
even a bunch of complete cretins like them would have heard of Post
Traumatic stress, even if they would have trouble saying it. They buy
a security chain but is it enough??? Curly and Lee spot an empty house
that apparently never existed before and decide to break in and all
live/squat there instead.

Ian tries to get Poline to babysit so he can "call the shots" with
Panto-Jane again. Poline says that Ian should tell the children that
they have a new mummy.

O-Den and LadyDen wonder who has bought the club? (clue: he left his
heart in San Francisco)

Teen and Drippy are still moping around. Mo opens the stall so they
can bond and hang out together. Drippy asks what Teen wants for her
21st birthday – which is coming up soon - "To be impregnated by my
boyfriend's dad's demon seed!" says Teen (not). They decide to go for
a drink in the Vic in the evening (even though Drippy phoned in sick
that day - idiot) and Teen gives Drippy a make-over (i.e. puts her
hair up) to cheer her up. Billy is also in the Vic with Minty and
A-Garry. Drippy goes over to say hello but Billy runs away and cries.
Muppet. Drippy kinds of rolls her eyes and goes back to bantering with
Juley and Mickney. O-Den corners Teen and asks when she will pretend
she has lost the baby. Teen says "In my own good time, bitch. I'm
young, free and single and people mistake me for Liv Tyler!" (note:
this is the third time in as many weeks that people have cheered up
about something the day before something awful happens - time for the
writers to think up some new trite dramatic devices, eh?).

Pat is Back!!! Woo hoo! She asks Rainman out for lunch but he says no
because of all his family trauma, etc. She finds out about Bad Brutha
and goes to commiserate with TriniDad. Then she goes round to Byrite's
and asks him what the hell is going on. He tells her to leave off but
Pat is made of sterner stuff and keeps at him until Byrite admits that
BB was killed for being a grass and that Byrite grassed BB up to the
other gangstas (for being a grass). God, he is pathetic - all the cops
need to do is find an elderly police woman with big ear rings and
Byrite is TOAST. Pat almost browbeats Byrite into coming over and
telling this to TriniDad to set his mind at rest but Byrite remembers
at the last minute that he is supposed to be tuff and says "No!!" He
also waves his fist at Pat and says that she will end up dead if she
doesn't keep her mouth shut. Pat gives him a look like "Dude, that
might have been a scary threat if I hadn't just almost made you cry."