CAKEY BREAKY HEART
I missed the first half hour but basically Curly comes back after apparently being forgiven by Tony Bennett re Salsa Inferno. He is in charge of the club and doesn’t think he has anything to worry about Tony wreaking revenge or whatnot. Lee tries to talk sense into him but has apparently forgotten that Curly is thicker than a sack of hammers. Curly ignores him and ponces off again – all this in prep for next week’s gangster nonsense, which I’m sure Sarah will greatly enjoy watching and blogging (tee hee).

In other news, Straight Pike passes the police check about driving the mini bus. His relief is shortlived though, as Big Mo (Dear Big Mo, pls don’t wear your hair down in that flat bob. It is inexplicably disturbing. Thanks) finds a prison tattoo on Prison Bitch Bert’s shoulder while they are “making out”(“Mr Benn is my Daddy”?) and works out that he has been in the Big House. She finds out that he and Pike were both burglars and then makes lots of snide comments about “doing houses” when Straight Pike is wittering on about giving Poline a loft conversion. Pike is worried that his secret prison shame will be revealed. Still.

Drippy has got CBF hopped up on baby crack or something. She has to stop though when Charlie finds her huge stash of empty calpol bottles/syringes/pipes made out of coke cans etc.

David Wessex has to go away on an urgent job and Babs is sad. Phoney goes to the hospital and finds that her Victorian Lady’s Condition is now better. There is now nothing standing in the way of the hideously misjudged Billy/Phoney freak genetic experiment. It is Bab’s birthday and Pat is worried about going because of her renewed slapper reputation, but Parkilfe cheers her up with a cheery tale about how his son died of cystic fibrosis (causing Beano to decide to be annoying for two, to make up for his brother’s loss) so Pat goes and has a good time.

Bradley asks JoJo round for a meal and she accepts. They have Dot’n’Jim’s house to themselves and are all awkward etc about whether they are going to do it – Jojo is about to leave in frustration but Bradley asks if they can wait and do it later – when he has stopped being gay perhaps – and JoJo agrees.

Yolande is being all icy and cold to Trini-dad and keeps going out drinking without him and dancing with strange fellers. Trini-dad tries to be understanding and saintly. On Pat’s birthday, she gets drunk and starts flirting with Parklife through the medium of car metaphors. Gross. Parklife pretends to go along with it but it is reverse psychology or something and Yolande goes “Adulterous Sex?? Eek!” and runs away. She goes home and confesses to Trini-dad but says that she couldn’t go through with it. She also forgives him again for about the 15th time.

Moomin tries to talk to Poline and Martin about no longer paying her share of the mortgage, but they both tell her to get lost. Jim is shunning Moomin re her sinful sapphism, so Moomin goes whining to Dot and tries to get her to change Jim’s mind. Dot tries but Jim is all “No! It is filthy and wrong!” so Dot tells Moomin to fight her own battles. Martin is trying to put a brave face on things, but then one day he is the Vic and Prison Bitch Bert is making off colour comments about “joining in” with Moomin and Naomi (ew). Martin goes mad and punches Bert in the eye. Bert starts writhing around making pirate noises (“Aargh! Aaaarghhh!”) It is pretty funny. Martin runs outside and Bert goes after him and apologises for going too far – he says that Martin should just tell him to shut up if he gets too annoying. Does that just count for Martin or can the audience do that too? Shut up Bert. Martin starts whining about his failed teen marriage and Bert comforts him. Oh what ev er.

Jane bonds with Ben about sandwiches. Ben chats to Minty about Fill and starts acting more normally – he agrees to let them hold a birthday party for him (that’s the third birthday in a week – it was also Yolande’s). Ian makes a cake in the shape of Wembley stadium (only it isn’t very realistic because it is actually finished) and invites all the relatives round. Bert horns in too and Poline makes sour faces. There is a bit of tension between Babs and Ian as Babs buys an Ipod for Ben whereas Ian only got him a satsuma and a bit of string. Jane (or poss Ian) gives a boring speech about how they shouldn’t fight as they all want things to be nice for Ben. Babs finally agrees to pretend not to have bought him anything and that tug of love conflicts = bad and wrong. Oh what a surprise – it is at this very moment that Fill appears in the Vic. He finds out from Billy that Kaffee is dead and Ben is with Ian etc and is pissed off that no-one bothered to tell him.

Babs and Ian are bonding and Ian offers to let Babs carry the cake through to Ben. Fill charges in and starts shouting and going all red faced and heart-attacky. One thing leads to another and Fill grabs Ian and starts to shove his face into the Wembley Cake (complete with lit candles ohs noes!!) He is only saved from a painful Flame Cake Face of Death Horror when Ben comes into the room – of course he is shocked and appalled to see Fill acting like a psycho and runs away. (btw, if this was Batman, Ian would have been hideously disfigured by the flaming cake, gone mad and turned to life of confectionery related crime as The Patissier!!)

Next day, Fill is sad that his son thinks he is a mental. He carries on moaning that no-one told him about Kaffee and Ben, has a row with Babs and then stomps into the garage and fires Carly. Carly runs off squealing “I’m telling my dad on you!” Later on Carly moans to Parklife (and anyone else in sight – shut up Carly) and Parklife does his cockernee babbling trick to convince Minty to take responsibility for Carly’s employment status. Minty goes and tells Fill that everyone was doing everything for his own good and he should stop being such a big baby. In the end, Fill forgives Minty and lets Carly have her job back. Jane takes Ben round to see Fill. Fill gives him a model race car for his birthday and they play with cars while Jane smirks approvingly in the background. Ian comes and spoils it though and Ben runs away again or is dragged away or something. After they have gone, Fill finds Ben’s model car smashed on the floor, smashed like Fill’s dreams of fatherhood blah blah (TM Eastenders Book of Obvious Symbolism). He is sitting on his own in the Arches and finds a convenient bottle of vodka in a desk drawer. The bottle: “Drink me! Drink meeeee!” Fill : “Oh alright then!” He is just about to fall of the wagon when Grant walks into the Arches and makes a quizzical face.

A MOOMIN WITHOUT A MARTIN IS LIKE A FISH WITHOUT A BICYCLE
Naomi still thinks that Moomin might be another bi-curious timewaster, and tells Moomin not to pass up on a free trip to Paree, . Moomin says she’d rather write 5000 words on urinary tract infections while sharing a bathroom with Minty and Agarry. She packs her bags, tells Mmartin that she’s a lesbimatarian now, and that she’s going to live with Naomi. But Naomi runs off to visit her mother. Oh no! Moomin throws her bags at Agarry and stomps off in hot pursuit. She catches up with Naomi at the station, and the hapless commuters have to make way for another weirdo couple declaring their undying love in the middle of the ticket hall. I’m sure there are by-laws about that sort of thing. Mmartin takes to his bed in shock after finding them at it on Minty’s sofa. Ian prattles comfortingly about his three failed marriages, devil children etc. Nice one Ian, send him straight to the top floor of Centre Point, why don’t you?

Keef tries to wriggle out of marrying by taking the Groomzilla route. The wedding must be a full white number, in a church, with CBAleesha as a flower girl. Nice try, but he's up against GADawn, who gets Rosa to ditch the plans fora church wedding in favour of the usual unfeasibly high-speed register office job. And there’s an engagement party in the Vic. Babs has spared plenty of expense, recycling Martin and Moomin’s wedding banner, only one plate of curly ham sandwiches with the crusts left on. Keef: worried. Me: bored. Rosie: Bridezilla. Me: still bored.

Naomi and Moomin announce their relationship to Agarry and Minty, who are too shocked to ask if they can watch. Next week, they’ll adopt a cat called Gertrude and sign up for a drumming workshop.

Straight Pike and Northerner lie on the insurance form about previous convictions. This is probably Important For Later. Still wondering about Straight Pike’s crime. Maybe it was the ghost/graverobbing fraud thing that he perpetrated in Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased). Or maybe the shopkeeper got fed up with him walking out of the shop without paying for his costumes.

Poline tells Jim and Dot that Moomin is a lying lesbitarian slut who has broken her little boy’s heart. Moomin visits and leaves with Dot intoning: “Thou shalt not yodel in the furry canyon” at her retreating back, and thinks that everybody hates her. Naomi persuades her to go out, but instead of raving it up at a nice club somewhere (I’m assured they do exist), they go to the Vic. Naomi orders two gin and tonics, and Babs looks disapproving. What, is gin and tonic some kind of gay drink all of a sudden? Poline and Sonia have the inevitable barney at the Klebb engagement do. Poline declares that no-one has the right to humiliate her son in public except Poline. Martin asks Moomin what he ever did to her, apart from getting her pregnant at 14, killing the LOVE OF HER LIFE, and forcing her to share a mortgage and a bathroom with Poline.

A health visitor makes a surprise visit to Drippy following Bobby’s attempt to sacrifice Cute Baby Freddy. Drippy acts all paranoid and demands that Panto Jane comes over to make a statement about CBFreddy’s non-violent nature or something like that. Health Visitor tries to a) care, and b) empathise what with CBFreddy being a rape baby, and Drippy goes off on one. CBFreddy wakes up again. Drippy won’t give him Calpol because suffering constant pain is character building. Big Mo starts secretly slipping CBFreddy some pink goo of oblivion but Drippy finds out and gets shouty. Nobody tells Drippy to get a grip. NotGayDoctor just simpers something about Drippy doing what feels right. Feels right? We’re talking about a Slater here. You know, the sisters that love to share…

NotDavid Wessex reveals that he’s not too happy about Phoney’s pregnancy because Ma Phoney died in childbirth with a hereditary heart condition. How quaintly Victorian. Phoney goes to see Dr NotGayYet, who runs a few tests and tells her that she’s absolutely fine. Phoney: cross and still not talking to David for making her live in fear of Death or something like that.

Parklife thinks that Pat fancies him because she cooked him some posh chicken at Beano’s suggestion. We discover that Parklife wears Chelski underpants. I really did not need that information: we’re still recovering from Pineapplegate. Parklife and Pat formulate a cunning plan to wreak revenge on Beano for stirring and get him to do…the cleaning. Really, they’re above all this.

Everybody’s telling Bradley and JoJo to hurry up and start with The Sex. Beano the Virgin tells Bradley that women love it when a man drags them into a bin-filled alley and bends them over a bag of rotten chicken legs. JoJo: unimpressed. I think they’ve split up again.

Mmartin’s brilliant idea for getting Moomin to jump back over the fence is to get her to buy a present for Moominchild (who appears to be back with AdoptoGran). It fails. Mmartin: sad. Moomin: on the phone to Celia Hammond.

PS: Just watching the new Coldplay video. Yacht Rock gone mad, I tells you.

HONEY'S TOO TRITE TO MENTION
A fairly “meh” week, probably not helped by the fact that I managed to watch the episodes in reverse order. It was a bit like Memento, only without being exciting and having good performances etc.

Ian lands back with another recruit for his army of creepy child Satanists – Kaffee’s bloke has died and so Ian has brought Ben back to the UK. Ben is very quiet and subdued – because he probably knows he will be sacked in 6 months time and replaced with a strapping 18 year old – and Ian, Jane and the kids try to make him feel at home. When Babs finds out she runs over and starts squawking that – you guessed it – he’s a Mitchell and should be with other Mitchells. PantoJane begs that she doesn’t tell Fill just yet as Ben is still all traumatised etc and doesn’t need to be a “tragic tug of love tot” just yet – that can wait til next week. It turns out the only place Ben feels at home is in the arches, playing with spanners. Whatever.

Dot gives Jim a pile of old crap (ugly vase, fish slice etc) to give to a charity shop but instead he sells it to Deano for his stall and spends the money on crack and hookers (ok, gambling). Of course Dot finds out and is cross – cue amusing (in theory) scenes of Dot waving a fish slice around like a psycho killer. Straight Pike and his prison bitch Bert stand up for Jim, so Dot is offended and moans at Poline. Poline and Dot fall out over it. Later on, Poline and Jim get home to find Bert dry humping Big Mo on their sofa – aargh, my eyes!! – Poline starts squealing that her house has turned into a knocking shop (I don’t think that even Bert would PAY to dry hump big Mo) and throws Mo out (um, why didn’t they just go to the Slater house – it’s half empty these days esp compared to when 15 people used to live there in the Slater heyday. Still, good for Mo for getting some action for the first time ever!). Pike takes Bert’s side and says it isn’t a big deal so Poline falls out with Pike too. Lots of funny scenes of Dot, Poline and Jim all acting arsey around each other. Pike finally sucks up to both Dot and Poline by offering to drive a minibus on Dot’s church trip but then he finds out he isn’t eligible for the insurance as he was an ex-con. He invents some lame excuse so he doesn’t have to disclose his Secret Prison Shame and everyone makes up anyway.

Carly wants to get a job but doesn’t want to work at the car lot with Parklife. She says she wants to work with cars but doesn’t know what her true talent is – well it certainly isn’t acting. She begs AGary and Minty to let her have a go as a mechanic and they all like the idea of having a sexy wench around the place but of course she turns out to be a dab hand with a carburettor too. Babs is a bit sceptical (“In my day girls were only allowed to be busty nurses or busty barmaids or busty prey for Benny Hill” etc) but lets her stay.

Martin has a business plan to make more £££! (as per Harry Hill: 1. sell more spuds. 2. Put Pat back on the game.) While he is at the bank, Moomin and Naomi talk about work and going somewhere nice on holiday etc (I hear that LESBOS is nice at this time of year!) but then Martin sees their brochures and books a surprise weekend for him and Moomin in Paris. Moomin tries to be pleased but is obviously not because she would rather be spending a weekend in Naomi’s pants.

Drippy is turning into a right moany cow lately. Also her hairdon’t makes her look like she is about 50. Her and Jane go to the park with Freddy and Bobby and Bobby tries to sacrifice Freddy to Shub Niggurath - The Goat with a Thousand Young by, um, hitting him on the head with a stick. They go to hospital to get it sorted out and presumably this will be Important For Later (ie to be used in ammo re tug of love case or for Drippy to be investigated by social services).

David Not-essex (David Sussex? David Wessex?) keeps letching over Babs but she keeps moaning about his dog and telling him to take it outside so he sits on Losers bench and sulks. Babs relents and goes to talk to him and he says that his dog is his only family! I know that Phoney is annoying but that’s a bit harsh! Babs says he can come back in and, if he plays his cards right, can unclog her u-bend in the morning. Pure filth! Babs also lets slip that Phoney is pregnant and David Wessex makes a dramatic face. He goes to speak to his dimwit daughter and says that medical science has shown that she is officially too thick to breed and that if she has a baby she might die like her mum. Phoney says she doesn’t care – helpfully reinforcing the “too thick to breed” hypothesis.

It is AGary’s birthday and they have a surprise birthday at his house. There are lots of extras there that we have never seen before. Martin gets drunk so Moomin takes him home and leaves him to drown in a pool of his own vomit while she goes back to the party. They are chatting on a step when Moomin tries to slip Naomi the tongue. Naomi says “Uurgh! Get off!” and runs away. Later she tells Moomin that it is bad and wrong for her to toy with her feelings like that when she is just going to go back to Martin anyway. Moomin is all “How can something feel so right when it’s so wrong, blah blah blah” and says she will dump Martin for Naomi. Finally!

Lots of Miller tedium this week. DCI Carter finds out that his mum left £5,000 to Rosa Klebb and plots with GADawn to get hold of the money. He persuades Dawn to pose as Rosa long enough to get the money by saying that he needs it for a big romantic gesture to win back June-from-the-Bill once and for all. Oops, I mean so he can get them a house in Spain and have a fresh start. Buy a whole house for £5K? yeah right. Dawn is too blinded by love for her father (or else blinded by her hideous orange coat) to see the obvious flaws in this plan and reluctantly goes along with it. In the end Mickney and Rosa find out and guess that Carver is tricking GADawn. They find out he hasn’t booked her a flight to Spain, even though he said he had, so they all march off to have a dramatic confrontation. Carver admits that he was swindling the money for one of his dodgy scams and Rosa gives him the money (wha?) and tells him never to bother them again. GADawn is all set to run off to a convent or something but Mickney tells her that families stick together, unless your name is Keef, in which case you can just fuck off.

Keef keeps sniffing around but Rosa keeps telling him to get lost, as he is too useless and slack and she wants a man who can support her etc etc. In the end he moves his manky old chair and DVD’s to Gus’s house until the housing dept can decipher his childish crayon scrawl and get him a new flat. Gus shouts at him to stop sitting on his arse and do something, so Keef sells all his manky crap and possibly a kidney on the internet, as suddenly he has enough money to buy Rosa an engagement ring and ask her to marry him. Rosa does not exactly look overjoyed but cliffhanger anyway.

MORE, TOO MUCH MORE THAN A PRETTY FACE (I DON'T THINK SO)
There's a fat bloke in a jeep - no, not the usual London crack dealer kind, the Countryside Alliance ex-army kind that probably has a brace of dead badgers and a beagle in the back. And he's giving Billy evil looks. This man is supposed to be David Essex. But David Essex decided that singing Rock On to housewives in Cheadle would be a far far better thing to do than cosy up to Barbara Windsor four times a week, and we got Fat Bloke instead. Fat Bloke isn't a bad actor, and he's not all that fat, just fatter than David, and not exactly blessed in the twinkly-eyed gipsy good looks department. Trouble is, the producers didn't bother to change anybody's lines, so we can look forward to lots of comments about how good-looking Phoney's dad is. However, this is the world where Fill Mitchell is a ladies' man and Ian Beale calls the shots, so it's not like it's weird or anything.

So, NotDavid Essex gets mistaken for a plumber by Billy - oh the hilarity - and gets to monkey around with wrenches and stuff under the sink while poor Billy wrestles with the worst non-comedy mistaken identity nonsense ever written, and tells NotDavid that he's a bit scared of Phoney's dad. Meanwhile assorted relatives of Pat shout at each other and Phil Daniels goes to work in the car lot because he can't leave his little gurl heartbroken.

NotDavid tells Phoney that Billy's not good enough for her, but Billy perseveres - given the alternative is Drippy and her Flintlock hairdo, I don't suppose we can blame him - and NotDavid says he approves. He also embarks on a flirtation with Babs with brings out her fiery side. Is there any side of Babs that isn't fiery? Even her wig looks a bit like a forest fire in Lapland.

Poline has survived a week of making The Sex with Straight Pike, but she's not impressed to find Northerner mangling his vowels on her sofa. It looks like Northerner was Straight Pike's prison wife. Northerner hints at Straight Pike's Dark Secret and Straight Pike persuades Poline to let him stay. Poline: cross. Good to see marriage hasn't changed her.

Dolescum update: Keef sees a chance to get his feet back under the table after Jim Carter's mum's funeral. But Carter gets there first. Keef says: "Rosie Klebb chose me, go away!" Carter: "No, she chose Demi and Cute Baby Aleesha." Keef: sad and still on MYGus's sofa. Nope, I still don't care...

JoJo has a horrible week, poor lamb. First, she realises that she does fancy Bradley (well, he does have a lovely smile, but he's still gaygaygaygaygay), then Davetta returns for her stuff and tells Stacey that they're not best friends any more because her psycho dad is all she needs or something - it's a shoddy crib this week by the way. JoJo cries and decides to be horrible to Bradders because Nobody Will Ever Hurt Her Again. She tries flirting with Lee, who has only popped out for a swift half. JoJo's drunken antics soon send him scuttling back to the plot cupboard, and Bradley takes her home. She cries some more and Bradley promises to be There For Her like a true GBF should be.

THE WALFORD UNDERGROUND AND NICO
There are repercussions aplenty re the Patrick/Patricia shock revelations. Everyone calls Pat an old slappah and frowns disapprovingly at JoJo for being a stirrer. Trinidad grovels to Yolande, who overacts like crazy now that she has got the sniff of a decent storyline. She gives Trinidad a hard time (re how could you hurt me, why did you do it if it meant nothing to you, how can I ever trust you again blah blah blah). Trinidad: “Pleeeeeese!!” She says she’ll think about it. Pat goes round to talk to her and says that Yolande would be a fool to give up on TD and that Pat would pity the fool who gives up on TD. She lets Yolande slap her one and Yolande starts going on about Pat is a cheap narsty old whore with ugly earrings. Pat says “Well if Trinidad wanted to cheat on you it must because you are rubbish in bed or something.” Yolande is sad and packs her bags. TD keeps a low profile at the shop and down the pub until Babs tells him to get his arse home and grovel some more. He chases her to the tube station but Yolande gets on the tube – or not! She was only pretending! She says she’ll stay if TD gives up the car lot and is nice to her for the rest of his life.

Bradders doesn’t want to have anything to do with Jojo now that she has revealed her dark side. Jojo is sad. Bradders seems to genuinely want to go out with JoJo so maybe he is straight after all, or maybe he thinks that JoJo would be excellent faghag material and would be ideal to take along to G.A.Y. to kidney punch all the spiteful little bitches there who give you a hard time for wanting to, say, walk past them to go to the other bit of the club…

Ian is poncing around making everyone record video messages for Cathy – messages to beyond the grave! Yes, it turns out that she has died in a mystery car accident with her husband (which makes me think of Gillian Taylforth’s court case re fellating some bloke in a car. At least he would have died happy…). Ian starts pressing buttons on his calculator like a mentalist and won’t talk to PantoJane etc. In the end he locks himself alone in the caff and starts mopping furiously (but nothing can wipe away his memories of Cathy!!). For some reason it is Martin who talks Ian into letting him in. He comforts the Bealemeister and makes him cry and let it all out etc.

The moominchild has been packed off back to Moomingran and Poline and Straight Pike are still at their honeymoon. Martin is looking forward to some time alone with Moomin and specifically Moomin’s lady parts. Moomin is suffering from lesbian panic attacks though and schedules a dinner round Dot’s (but tells Martin it was Dot’s idea). Martin misses it because he is too busy “comforting” Ian and passive-aggressively doesn’t phone Moomin or tell her what he was doing next time he sees her so they can have a pointless row. Next day Moomin promises to cook a special meal but Martin finds out that it was not actually Dot’s idea for the dinner and, instead of confronting Moomin, passive aggressively invites all the blokes round for a poker game at his house without telling her and then won’t talk to her when they all land round. (Everyone looks forward to winning money off Bradley but he turns out to be an internet poker ace and wins – gee I didn’t see that coming). Everyone squirms around uncomfortably as Moomin and Martin have a “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” attack. Naomi says that Moomin can stay with her if she wants and Moomin hisses “This is my MARRIDGE we’re talking about!” Later on she begs Martin to talk to her if he cares about their MARRIDGE and Martin walks away. Ooo! Harsh! I must have missed a bit because next thing you know they are all lovey dovey again and Moomin has forgotten that she is a lesbian. Martin is just about to do her on the kitchen table (Poline would disapprove of such unhygienic practices, methinks) when there is knock on the door. Who could it be?

It is some seedy bloke called Bert who is a comedy northerner who says stereotypical things about how southerners are unfriendly. No Bert, they’re only unfriendly to annoying bastards like you. (PS my family are from Sheffield so I’m allowed to make fun of northerners). He is looking for Straight Pike but spends an episode flirting with Yolande, hanging round the pub and muttering incomprehensibly about ginnels and whippets etc while hovis advert music plays in the background. The B&B is shut so he breaks into Poline’s house and surprises the young love/hate birds. He says that he is best mates with Pike and Pike would def let him stay. Martin and Moomin have dilemmas.

God, this is already really long and I haven’t even covered Phil Daniels and his annoying brats yet. The daughter (at first I think she looks like a less squinty version of Renee Zellwegger – I later decide that I’m wrong but I’ll call her Renee anyway) has apparently left her hubby in Cyprus because his family are a bunch of meddling bastards or something. She keep huffing and going to her room to cry so this takes about 15 hours of TV to discover. Phildaniels puts off his holiday a bit to try to sort it out and goes to the family’s Greek restaurant to talk to them. The sharp featured hubby Nico is there and says he still wuvs Renee and wants to take her back – he arranges to come round to talk to her but then Nico’s stereotypical greek dad (lets call him Stavros) wants to come too etc. When Renee finds out she whines and huffs a lot, making her the most annoying new character by a long shot (I’ll need a new poll at this rate) but eventually shows up to the meeting. Not only is it Nico and Stavros but a host of aunts and uncles etc too. They start reeling out a list of things that is wrong with Renee (doesn’t like taramosalata, does like the Turkish entry in the eurovision song contest etc etc) while Nico sits there pulling sad faces. Phildaniels tries to keep the peace but there is a big fight anyway, Phil punches Stavros in the face and lots of Pat’s ugly knick knacks are dashed to the ground. It drags on for hours – Phil apologises, Stavros won’t accept apology, Nico comes round to plead with Renee and says he wuvs her, Renee agrees to take him back, Nico spoils it all by talking about going back to Cyprus and working in their restaurant again, Renee moans that he is browbeaten by his family blah blah blah. It all ends up with Renee crying and alone and Phildaniels postponing his holiday once more. Could Nico’s family be the new Di Marcos (vaguely Mediterranean? Check! Work in Mediterranean style catering? Check!?) Do we need or want new Di Marcos?