OK, I haven't watched this since New Year's Eve, when I was forced to see something about a gay bloke, son of her off Goodness Gracious Me. Actually, it was quite good, and despite myself I enjoyed it.

So, here's the live one, and it's all dark, which is good.

Roxi-er-Ronnie tells Ronni-er-Roxie that Archie raped JoJo Slater-Branning-err...who is JoJo married to these days? Apparently Bradley is supposed to be accused of murdering Archie? Bradley? He couldn't even murder his own Dad for sleeping with his girlfriend. Dadley and other chap help Bradley and JoJo go on the lam.

JoJo - having meaningfully gazed for some time at some BLOOD-coloured finger paintings - tries to tell Bradley Something Important, but bottles out (I think). As they're saying their goodbyes to Dadley and other bloke, the Met's finest are at the door. They scrabble around for the back door key. Yeah, because the Met are so STUPID they wouldn't have the back door covered. Meanwhile JoJo Ma is showing everybody pictures of her little angel and looking vaguely happy in the pub.

Ronni-er-Roxie asks Roxi-er-Ronnie how she could be sure...Roxi-er-Ronnie says he raped her too. Ew.

Juhneen (hooray) is looking bloody marvellous and gets shouted at by Biancaa for ruining a cake. Then she waves some keys at Babs (thought she'd gone) and accuses Babs of framing her. She seems to have acquired a cute boyfriend from somewhere.

Dot has obviously demanded that she needs to sit down all the way through this, and does her best tortured face while discussing whatever terrible secret she has with the Bealemeister. I thought Beale was banged up for the moider of Archie already?

Fil has worked himself up into a glorious strawberry hue, and smashes up Ian's living room, looking for a tin or something. Fil tells Ian that his "skank of a daughter" told him that Ian has...erm something...and errr...I'm lost.

Atkins appears to be carrying on with Fil, and has turned over a bloodstained shirt to the police. And he's got to give his best man's speech in a minute. Babs says she'll sort it out.

Oh no...I'm just seen Araminta with his shirt off...my EEEYYYYYESSS. They've decided to keep Billy busy and away from proper Acting by staging a drinking competition between him, Dasbo and assorted guests in frilly dresses.

-

There's red stuff everywhere in the Vic bathroom and Ronni-er-Roxie is lying on the bed. I dunno...bad period? Roxi-er-Ronnie doesn't believe her story about being raped by Archie. Oh, I'm confused. There is shouting, fighting and lots of crying, and Babs joins in the fun.

Bradley and JoJo can't take the tube out of town because the police are guarding the door. They try to take a taxi, but Bradley remembers that he's left the passports back in the house. Pity they don't work for Mossad really. The

Dot and Ian are playing 'e's dead with a family video from the Beale/Fowler video vaults. There's Ange, Shazza, the first Mark Fowler, 'Shell, Kaffee, Tweacle and Arfur. And then the video dies...

Bradley returns home in time to see Dadley and err...other bloke being taken away. He creeps away from the coppers, and...then his phone goes off. Oh no, he climbs up on a handy roof. Who'd have thought an accountant could be so fit?

Oh NOO! He's jumped! Or did he stumble on the slightly unstable mid-Victorian lead flashing.

JoJo and Dadley try to come to terms with the sight of Bradley's motionless form on the tarmac, blood draining from his cheeks and onto the road. JoJo finally says what she's been meaning to say, ever since she sat contemplating the BLOOD RED finger painting while Bradley packed...

And then George Lamb starts talking and I have to remove all sharp objects from the room.

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: DEATH! SPLASH! HORROR!
Now, one of the things I forgot to tell you on Friday was that Yolande discovered that @@'s internet nonce was in fact Dasbo. So taken was she by the romantic fool's crazy technological shenanigans that she arranges a special lunch for Dasbo and @@, so that they can talk together. Dasbo declares his love in the time-honoured way of the teenage male: "Urrgh...like ya donneye? Hmph...". @@ is not impressed, and suggests he tries to express his feelings using the medium of...Scrabble. Now, many people have been wooed over a game of Scrabble, but I'm guessing not many East End teenagers. Yolande leaves them working out how many swear words begin with Q, and whether or not they can fit them on a triple word score, and joins TriniDad in the pub. She's all smug about her cupid work until TriniDad observes that the Dolescum track record on teenage pregnancies is hardly exemplary. Yolande: worried.

But you don't want to know about that, you want to know...who dies? Well, we return to the car. DC Peter is unconscious - well that's an easy half hour for all of us. Ben says his head hurts, and the grown-ups seem OK. Strangely, Billy was not catapulted through the windscreen at 50mph, and Fill sends him for help. As it is our last post, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that Hertfordshire has no mobile phone coverage at all. Billy trudges along until he spots a car, and runs toward it. The driver, seeing Billy's bloodstained head, thinks she has stumbled on the set of 28 Weeks Later, and speeds away.

Meanwhile DC Peter has convulsions (fine jerking there, DC Peter). Fill drags the Bealemeister out of the car, and they bicker. Except that the mechanic forgets that the car's brakes might not be in the best condition after somersaulting over a fallen tree, and the car putters down the hill, turns left at the bend, and slides gently into a handy lake. Fill immediately dives into the water. Suddenly I am reminded of the plight of the manatee. He manages to pull Ben to safety, and Ian manages not to say: "Don't bother with the gimp, save the Aryan and his pure seed!" Fill goes back for DC Peter, and pulls him out too.

Bradley and JoJo are friends again, and discussing her married boyfriend in the pub. JoJo gets a text from Dadley, which Bradley intercepts; but cleverly (unlike most EE strumpets) she doesn't list him in her phonebook as "Dadley- the married man wot I am shagging", so Bradley is none the wiser.

At the hair-patting salon, Fairy Bobby is wreaking havoc with the straighteners, the staff want to go home, but Babs orders fresh supplies of alcohol and demands more facepacks all round. DC Lucy looks slightly constipated and reaches for the phone. I think this is supposed to be that famous twinly intuition. Ian makes a pact with God for the life of his beautiful blonde boy. God doesn't tell him he's got the wrong number.

That's all folks. Thanks for reading.

GHOST ON THE (WASHING) MACHINE

Just what is Cruestella up to? What drives a career woman to act all pathetic in order to snag the affections of a spud-faced pub landlord, then proceed to terrorise his young son? Whatever evil non-event the producers have planned for us, it's pretty damn good. Cruestella pours water on Ben's bed and tells him that dreaming about being bullied by the Children of Razorlight makes him wee in his sleep. But if she hides him from the Children of Razorlight, he has to tell Fill that he wants Cruestella to be his new mummy.

Cruestella does weird stuff to Fill's accounts book while everybody sleeps. Fill finds out and tells Ben to go to the playscheme and stand up to the Children of Razorlight like a true Mitchell. Cruestella says that she will protect Ben's snivelling little carcass. For a price! Fill beats up the main bully's dad and Cruestella messes with Ben's head some more. Wow! I love this... even though bullying small boys and messing around with their little brains is bad, m'kay?

There's stuff about Dasbo, @@@ and Lin. @@@ starts wearing make up and puts her profile on the Russians for pervs a dating site when she looks as Russian as my cat looks barely old enough to have started her periods. Good move @@@. Thought you were supposed to be clever? Dasbo also messes with Mickney's head re: DVDLi. No, I don't know either.

Big Mo tries to put NurseTanyah out of business (eh? Oh, this will be the big revenge!!! thing that Mo talked about the other week). The bright idea is to tell a bunch of pensioners that NurseTanyah is doing an OAP free perm special, and bring them to the doorstep, waving their vouchers. NurseTanyah gives them all perms - or at least pats their hair and waves some hairspray about - and thanks Big Mo for the marketing boost. Mo goes: "Bah! I'll get you NurseTanyah! And those Tanyettes too!"

Yolande starts work at the launderette. What happened to the Kwik E Mart? She winds Dot up with her fancy new ideas about not smoking and alteration services. Dot tries to nobble Yolande's laundry load and thinks that Yolande is after her job. Mr Opodopolus offers Poline's old job to Yolande. Dot has a meltdown and screams "I quit". Dot spends the rest of the week in either the caff or the pub, muttering about ageism. Yolande refuses the offer, but reminds Dot that Poline is properly dead and should really be buried, so get a grip. Dot grippeth not.

Beale tells the family that they're moving into Poline's old house. He promises a new double bed for Panto Jane, but Devil Child Lucy says the place smells of wee, and she can sense the presence of Poline. Obviously DC Lucy's satanic powers are not yet at a level that she can do battle with Poline's enfeebled ghost, so they all move back to the old house. Especially after Fill and Bill tell a posh couple that Ian rented the old place to that Walford is a den of vice, violence and iniquity. Posh couple demand a rent reduction. PJ finds Poline's ashes in a cupboard, and DC Lucy says she's still not moving. PJ enlists the local vicar's help. The vicar tells them that Auntie Poline is not a demon, but DC Peter sees the crossed fingers behind his back and starts getting all Buffy on his arse. Ian gives the ashes to Dot to keep in her ashtray and bribes DC Lucy and DC Peter to come back to the house. Dot keeps Poline in the launderette and talks to her after hours. Oh boy. I'd love to see what happens when they run out of powder.

Fill intercepts PJane's new bed and gives it to Billy. Because making Ian Beale's life a misery is not the same as proper bullying because Ian has foolish aspirations towards middle-classness and keeps yattering about gentrification, so therefore needs to be put in his place.

Pregnancy triangle update! Slimy snogs GADawn in front of Dr SheWolf and moves in with GADawn. Another meltdown and then Dr SheWolf tells Slimy's employers that he fixed up a dodgy credit card for GADawn in PantoJane's name. Never mind Slimy, there's always the caff. Or the bookie's. Or perhaps you could work on MMartin's stall? Well, that's GADawn's attitude anyway. Dr SheWolf tells Slimy that she'll see him crawling back to her after GADawn leaves him when the money runs out etc etc. Slimy and GAD scuttle off to his mum's for a bit. SheWolf: thwarted!

SEVEN DADLEY SINS
The theme of this week’s episodes is “All middle class ladies be crazy!!” First of all we have Dr Fox, who is cackling with glee at the news that GADawn is past the legal limit for abortions and also referring to herself in the third person alot. (“What Dr Fox wants! Dr Fox gets! Bwa ha ha!!” etc). Calm down love, you’re not a character from Flash Gordon. GADawn meanwhile moves into the flat above Minty/Garry (who are disappointed, as they were hoping for a new cast member) and gets Stella to check over her Surrogacy Agreement. Stella says it is a load of tosh, legal-wise so GADawn tells Smarmy that they can live together and keep the baby and skip through tulip fields forevah! Smarmy dumps her. Ha!

GADawn is snivelling around so Dr Fox tells her that Smarmy never fancied her in the first place but just pretended to, so that GADawn would keep the baby, which is now more fought over than the Alcase-Lorraine region of France/Germany. GADawn drinks a bottle of vodka, has a hot bath and sticks “Vera Drake” in the DVD player. Everyone thinks she is trying to commit suicide and calls an ambulance. Dawn and the baybay both turn out to be alright. Smarmy sits on Losers Bench for a spot of manly crying and then tells Dawn that he does love her really after all, but Dawn tells him to “Git Ahhht!!!”

JoJo/Dadley drags on and on. This week JoJo wears a horrendous “sexy outfit” that makes her like a Victorian killer doll and Dadley sexes her up in his own living room while he is supposed to be researching guinea pigs on the internet. Don’t ask. Can something please happen with this plot now? Is that too much to ask? In other Slater news, BroJo weirdly flirts with Babs for a bit (mate, it’s called “masturbation”, look into it) and JoJo Ma reappears, saying that she wants to go on a holiday with her kids. The hateful brats all run a mile but then something happens so that Dadley ends up paying for a holiday for JoJo and Ma anyway.

Billy wants to turn the defunct DVD shop into an internet caff – how very 1998. He bickers with Fill and Beale about them investing or not. Meanwhile news spreads about Phoney’s pregnancy. Billy and Phoney think their little flat won’t be big enough and talk about renting Poline’s Palace of Burnt Memories instead. Beale says no, of course, because he is horrid and then suggests to Panto Jane that he moves them and the devil brood into Poline’s Palace of etc and so on instead. Jane: “Erm, I don’t think so!!”

The other middle class crazy lady storyline is that of Cruestella D’Evil, who is on fine form this week. Ben hides his hearing aid so he doesn’t have to go to school but then Cruestella makes him go anyway. All the kids tease him for being deaf and Ben wets himself. Cruestella mutters that he is a “wee stained little freak”(double ha!) and offers to help him hide his shame from Fill. Then she mocks him for being a wuss and says that he has to be HARD if he wants to be a proper Mitchell and worthy of his daddy’s love. Next day, Ben tries to smack one of the boys (when instead he should have teased him for being a rubbish actor and having hair like a girl) who made him wet himself and ends up being thrown roughly to the ground and given a good shoeing. Cruestella watches with a faint smile on her face for a few minutes before breaking it up.

Ben goes crying to Ian, shows him his bruises and tells him that Stella is beating him (Ian comes up with the “Cruella” nickname). Ian goes round to see Fill and be all Bealemeisterfull and outraged and then they quickly discover that he was actually beaten up by the kids from school. They tell Ben off and Cruestella slips into his room, tells him that he will be taken into care if he carries on lying and then gives him a hug and says that she’ll protect him. Brrr, creepy. This storyline with all the headfuckery and emotional blackmail etc is so much better than a clichéd child beating plot. Well done the BBC!

WHEN I'M SIXTY-ERR?

It's a milestone birthday for Peggy. Not sure which one. The EE producers don't divulge that, but if she's supposed to be 60, then I'm Liz Hurley. Fill, Cruestella (thank you GU) and Victim Ben decorate the pub with old Carry On Stills, pictures of Babs taking tea with the Krays, you know the kind of thing. Babs has a few non-comedy senior moments over the catering delivery, and Ian sneers. Babs also engages some bloke with an outrageous accent to makeover the living room so that it looks like something out of a Furniture Village ad. The ladies not classed as a) totty, b) mad, or c) pregnant (Yolande, Babs and PantoJane) go to a yoga class and the bouffanted teacher in a leotard tries to realign Babs's chakras without her permission. Babs is later sad about this because it's the best offer she gets all week after NotDavid Essex says he's not coming to her birthday party.

Phoney is pregant again, and worries about telling Billy. Billy runs foul of a debt collector who follows him around until he hands over the money, and worries about telling Phoney. Phoney gets a job as the receptionist in the Hair Patting salon to make more money. Her first task is to screw up GADawn's hair patting and colouring appointment. GADawn makes an unreasonable amount of fuss, and Duckface Preeti has to fit her in over lunch or something.

Slimy is installing GAD in a flat above the plot cupboard, and AGarry is allowed out to sniff around. He's got a thing for pregnant ladies, after all. GAD's little head is too full of colour charts and sofa catalogues to notice, and she skips off to get her hair done. Only Chelski switches the hair dye for a red felt-tip pen, and GAD ends up with rather cute Gothy streaks instead of honey highlights. GAD marches into the pub and starts having a go a the nice ladies, who finally admit that Dr SheWolf has persuaded them all to pretend to like her, but they all really think she's a wee hoor. GAD can't believe that her only friend in the world is Carly (incidentally, whatever happened to Genghis, the Dolescum Dog?), and stomps off home to cry. I can't help thinking that with all this womb rental, accommodation costs etc, they'd have been better off visiting an orphanage in a developing country, but what the hey...

Plenty of action in the Hair Patting salon, today. JoJo decides to upgrade her appearance (again), and gets Preeti to set her hair in some carmen rollers to make her look like a Charlie's Angel, but not in a good way. Really, you'd think that GADawn could take one look at JoJo's hair and get some money off Slimy to get a proper cut in town.

Dr SheWolf tells NurseTanyah of her surrogacy hell, but with all the controlling and pimping her husband bits removed. Nurse Tanyah looks slightly concerned that Dr SheWolf and her flexible interpretation of the Hippocratic Oath is in charge of her family's health. Meanwhile Dadley is shagging JoJo amid the ashes of Poline's fruitbowl or something. No wonder the Bealemeister can't sell it if he hasn't even bothered to paint over the smoke stains. Two letters, Ian: B and Q.

There's some stuff about moving to Spain. It's always Spain isn't it? Never Cheadle. Or Stockholm. Stockholm's nice. Very clean.

JoJo thinks that Dadley is selling her a line. NurseTanyah has been watching far too many property programmes, and is impatient to make a fresh start. Blimey, she's only been in Walford for five minutes. But the Tanyettes don't want to move because they've got friends. Really? Well, Lauren is kind of mates with Zombie Jay and DC Lucy - no wonder she's going all Goth. Abi is friends with umm... Ben.

Not if CruStella has anything to do with it. CruStella says that Abi is a Bad Person, and that if Ben so much as talks to her, it'll be Spoontime for Benjy at Bedtime again. CruStella does mad faces and learns how to beat Ben at Grand Theft Auto and tells Abi that she's not welcome at Ben's birthday party.

Phoney tells Billy that she's pregnant. Billy tells Phoney that they're broke. But they decide to have the baby anyway. But only after Billy has made lots of bad smell-type faces and overacted like a good 'un. He's too good for this crap.

GADawn turns up in a red dress to match her hair, and "looks amazing", according to the official spoilers. Dr SheWolf sends Slimy out to "keep GAD happy", and looks mad and smug at the same time. Slimy looks worried.

Everything's going well at the party. Babs is wearing something ghastly in white and Bacofoil that screams Peter Stringfellow In Drag; Pat is wearing Stealth Bomber earrings. BroJo uses his combat skillz to create one of those champagne towers that you used to see in 1970s semi-porn movies starring Joan Collins; and JoJo makes sour comments about Nurse Tanyah's Spanish plans, and tells her that Dadley will probably leave her anyway, so what's the point. Not really. But there is a fight between JoJo and NurseTanyah over who spilled whose Babycham, and Ian knocks over the champagne tower while nobody's looking. Dadley runs after JoJo, saying that says he's going to give the little minx a good seeing-to demand an apology. Then he tells JoJo that he's in love with her. Eh? I've seen more passionate declarations from a wet cushion. NurseTanyah encounters BroJo in the ladies again, and he tries it on. NT says no, and discovers Dadley coming out of the Slater Tardis with JoJo. JoJo apologises, but what for???

BEN FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST
Thanks to Red Nose Day, I only have three eps to do this week. Hurrah!

Parklife does the walk of shame from Atkins boudoir of cheap nylon garmentry after begging her not to tell anyone. He runs into Pat who tells him off for being a numpty and then says she will support him etc. Parklife then meets Beano and Carly and they all hug and forgive him too. Beano finds out about Carly’s big strop that sent Parklife packing in the first place and there is a bit of shouting. Great.

Parklife goes round to see Mrs Goggins and says, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake but it was horrible. That bloke from Torchwood died for no reason and then I had to drive a moped off a cliff. Crazy!” Mrs Goggins is all, “So you’re back, from outer space, coming home to Walford with that look upon your face…” and slams the door. Later on she says that her and the girls are moving to Leytonstone. Didn’t we just have this storyline two weeks ago? They are forced to sit together by their kids at a red nose day pub quiz and Atkins does a drunken speech about how her life sucks, but Parklife and Goggins are clearly made for each other and should get married. Later on, Parklife shows up at the Post Office and proposes to her. Mrs G says “You won’t get round me that easily – oh wait a minute, you will!” and says yes. Cue another unfeasibly brisk wedding, no doubt.

Billy is having money problems as everyone is eschewing his video shop in favour of DVDLi’s DVDs. He doesn’t tell anyone. Phoney gets a job as hairpatting receptionist though. Cue “boo hoo my wife earns more than me, I’m not a real man!” snoryline? Phoney is full on with her malapropisms this week but I will not encourage the scriptwriter by repeating any of them.

Dr Shewolf is still whinging on about GADawn and Gadawn is still whinging on about Smarmy. Shewolf complains that Dawn is eating too many chips or something and says “We can’t put her in a box!” in a tone that suggests that she could instead make her live in the bottom of a well and lower supplies in a basket (“It will put on the lotion! It will put on the lotion or else it will get stretch marks!”). She says they can put GADawn up in a flat “so we can control what she eats or drinks”. I think Dr Fox is confusing “flat” for “prison”. Smarmy tries to sell the idea to GADAwn but she doesn’t want to live in a damp bedsit on her own.

Dadley/Jojo affair drags on for another week. High point = Jojo getting dolled up to look “sophisticated” like Tanyah and everyone laughing at her. Dadley also says he wants to move to Spain with her. Oh as if.

Abi Tanyette sits with Ben and makes fun of him for liking Sdulla now. Ben explained that she was nice to him in that weird Hall of Mirrors malarkey. Abi tries to get Sdulla into trouble by telling Fill and Babs that she lost him, but Ben and Sdulla both team up to downplay it. Later on Sdulla accuses Ben of betraying her in her dry whispery voice and stares at him coldly from the top of a flight of stairs. Brrr. When did Sdulla turn into Nurse Rachett? Later on she manages to make Ben and Abi fall out completely and also gets Abi into trouble when Nurse Tanyah goes round to ask why she shouted at her daughter.

Ben is a bit unwell and Sdulla offers to look after him. They watch a DVD (crappy BBC version of “Lion/Witch/Wardrobe” – if Billy’s shop doesn’t have the posh Hollywood version with Tilda Swinton then it deserves to fail!!), then Sdulla offers to make them a nice hot chocolate and deliberately burns Ben’s hand with the hot spoon. Oh my god, so hardcore!! This storyline is actually pretty good now – especially as it is Ben who is being tormented, though I’m sure step mums all over the country are grinding their teeth in irritation. She tells him it is a joke and then gets him to lie for her again when Babs asks why he is wearing a plaster. Sdulla says all creepy stuff about how Daddy isn’t going to love him any more now that he loves her – then says “ha ha, only joking!” and offers to make him another HOT DRINK!!! Ben makes a wibbly face and the BBC bod announces a phone line in case Emma Thompson’s sister is menacing you with caffeinated beverages too (I know I know child abuse is v serious).

POLINE CONVERSION
So anyway, your boyfriend dumps you in a quite nasty and humiliating way in front of his faaancy office friends, after one of them has tried to get it on with you in the toilets etc etc. You're feeling angry, hungover, and rather sad, so what do you do? Yes, that's right girls, you go and have sex with your ex's dad. Though this is only after you've dressed up like Morticia Addams at the beach and had a go at everyone in the pub on Christmas Day. Hang on a minute, what were they all doing in the pub on Christmas Day anyway? Normal families are snoozing in front of Wallace & Gromit while the offspring bicker about whose go it is on the Wii...

Well, that's about it for JoJo then. She slinks around all week, tempting Dadley into her single bed and getting him all hot and bothered while muttering darkly about revenge. Bradley looks embarrassed because NurseTanyah and Duckface thinks she's still in with a chance. He tries to get her to pay for the damage to his new motor (£300?! I want the name of that mechanic), and then tells her that she doesn't have to pay ...I think I fell asleep at this point. Anyway, Dadley does lots of sneaking around. JoJo wears lots of make-up and announces that she wants to be Dadley's Bit On The Side. Woah...ambitious, eh?

Phoney decides to try and be a Proper Mum to the cute Downs baby before she dies. Only she insists that she gets a proper name instead of "Petal". Billy: happy.

The non-comedy nonsense involves Minty, Fill and AGarry dressing up as Santa and getting caught in the chimney or something. Chloebecca tells Santa that she wants a cardigan for Christmas. Moomin cries NOOOOOOOO! and runs into the night.

Not really. But Poline is off to Florida to live with Shell and possibly take up a professorship in Advanced Miserablism at the University of North Beach. Somehow Shell has managed to book a last-minute flight at the busiest time of the year, and no damn Heathrow fog isn't going to dissuade Poline from her mission to spread gloom and greyness to the sunny shores of Miami. Not even the Bealemeister whingeing about how he is but her apprentice in Evil, and if she goes, only Panto Jane will give a monkey's toss about him. Well, you could always give Patrick a job. Moomin appears, and I missed the two-hander between her and Poline because it was bathtime, but Mr P says it was rather good, and Moomin lamps Poline.

Poline goes to drop one last morsel of poison into the Vic's champagne bucket, but suddenly gets a bit of a headache in MacArfur Park, and drops down dead in front of Loser's Bench. MMartin finds her, face down in the snow (wtf?!). Moomin: looks slightly guilty. Chloebecca won't talk to Moomin, and tells her that she saw her hit Poline. Moomin: guiltier. MMartin hears a Last Voicemail from Poline that apologises to everyone for all the hurt and misery she has caused. What...all of it? Moomin: guilty as a big guilty sack of guilt.

NurseTanyah and Dadley decide to have their Christmas party anyway, and Dot agrees that it's what Poline would have wanted. A nation cries: "You what?!?" Straight Pike escapes from the Plot Cupboard for one last hurrah. MMartin tells him that Poline is dead as he's packing his stuff. Straight Pike is shocked. Prison Bitch Bert takes him off to the pub, where he sits and looks shocked until somehow he gets into the party. Everybody goes quiet, and then Straight Pike says: "Oh who cares? She was an evil old witch and I'm glad she's dead." Everybody: shocked and appalled. MMartin tries to get Pike to attend Poline's funeral, but he says the only reason he'd go is to dance on her grave or something. Anyway, even Fill is mildly shocked, but then he's still reeling from the announcement that Sophie Thompson is moving into the Vic. Actually, that's an EE record. From solicitor to live-in barmaid in less than a month. She's still not quite getting on with Ben.

Over at the Dolescums, Dasbo tries to seduce the DVD girl, but fails utterly and gets his photo on the Internet or something. Dr Foxy follows GADawn around, muttering about her blissfully uncomplicated fallopian tubes and working ovaries. GADawn spends the abortion money on a vile pair of purple boots, and arranges an NHS termination instead. Dr Foxy offers her loads of money for the baby (oh yes, we saw that one coming, didn't we readers?). GADawn tells her she's a mentalist harpy. Dr Foxy tells Slimy to go and save his BABY'S LIFE or she won't let him live with her any more or whatever. Slimy persuades GADawn not to abort, and GADawn fails to realise that it's just another Slimy ruse and thinks he still loves her. Mickney: glad to be an uncle, and significantly less...orange...since we last saw him.

Meanwhile, at the Wicks/Evans Palace of Truth and Beauty, the Parklifes cancel their annual "Drink Your Way Around The World in Five Hours-athon" in deference to Mrs Goggins's feelings about drunkards. They do some lame party games instead, and much fun is not had by all. But...in the Other Pub where EE characters go to have out-of-square crises, Atkins off Bad Girls is serving fat blokes and looking bored. Then, out of the blue, she decides to go and visit the family! Hurrah for Atkins!

Bye bye baby, baby goodbye; Bye bye baby, don't make me cry

By special guest blogger, Patrick
(who has used different nicknames from the usual, just to be difficult)

Mickney and Dasbo are suspicious about BankerRob's intentions. GADawn is loved up and thinks nothing could possibly be wrong and that Rob is "the one". Again, it is clear that no one in EastEnders watches the soaps as verbalising that someone is "the one" is always the kiss of death. In a cunning plan, Mickney steals GADawn's mobile phone and gets BankerRob to meet him in a posh hotel. As we all know, the BBC is run by sodomites so we get a nice scene of BankerRob soaping himself up in the bath and Mickney coming into the bathroom to watch and lick his lips. BankerRob's wife phones as they're chatting (what are the odds, eh, viewers? Well, in soap world, close to 100%). Mickney seems to know it's Rob's wife using mystical extra sensory powers. In a weird homoerotic courting ritual, he punches the towel-wearing Rob and makes Rob agree to dump GADawn. However, Rob meets up with her in the Vic and can't go through with it. A nation yawns.

DevilChild Lucy asks PantoJane for some extra money. PJ says no, as she has to learn to live within her means. DCL: angry. PJ is worried that DCL is being bullied at school and using the extra £2 she'd asked for to pay off the thugs. Pretty poor thugs if they're only asking for £2. PJ says to the Bealemeister that they should tell DCL about the planned adoption and ask her to be bridesmaid. Bealemeister very against this idea but goes along with it. Meanwhile, PJane goes off to see NurseTanya, who assures her that DCL is very popular at school, according to LittleLauren, and that the adoption is wonderful news.

PJane and the Bealemeister sit DCL and Peter down to tell them about the adoption. Incidentally, has anyone else noticed that PantoJane always starts conversations to the children with "Me and your dad"? Hardly a good grammatical role model. Peter, who seems to have been supplied by the Paedophile Recruitment Agency [maybe his head twisted off in a 360 degree twirling frenzy - Ed], doesn't seem to mind. DCL shouts "Nooooo! You're not my mother and you never will be!!!!!!!!!!!!" and storms out. PJane is upset. She and the Bealemeister are talking about it and the Bealemeister takes the opportunity to give her a hug so he can do the Evil Over The Shoulder Grimace that is required in EE every time someone receives a hug.

The Bealemeister goes to talk to DCL about her reluctance to be adopted by PJane. DCL screams at him "I have a mother and today is the anniversary of her death! Why don't we ever talk about her?!" The Bealemeister replies "well, she had an affair with my half-brother-who-wasn't, tried to pass off the resulting baby as mine, then had an affair with my cousin, tried to have me shot, abducted my children and fled the country!" Unfortunately he didn't really say any of that, and just told DCL not to worry about the adoption, "because it's never going to happen". Mwah-ha-ha. O Bealemeister what is your evil plan? We all know PJane isn't anywhere near good enough for you since she rejected your fishly charms for Grunt, but let's face it, you're 38 with three marriages behind you, three kids, a growing paunch and a nasty recurring cold sore. You're not exactly a prime catch.

PJane takes DCL over to NurseTanya's for some pampering. Shitty receives an phone call from her mother (BT's Ironically Timed Phone Calls department is working overtime this week), and commiserates with DCL about how hard it must be to have lost her mother. DCL agrees, and then asks PJane if she can have her hair cut. PJane agrees and, lo and behold, DCL has it cut in the style of Cindy. Poline sees the hair cut, makes the sign of the cross and screams "It's Cindy! Cindy from beyond the grave!!!" and tells StraightPike all about what a witch Cindy was to the poor old downtrodden Bealemeister. This is actually a rather good plot development; let's hope that history will repeat itself and DCL will hire a hit man to take out the Bealemeister on his wedding day. Meanwhile, PJane finds a pack of tampons in DCL's bag which we had seen her shoplifting earlier. PJane realises that Lucy has been in such a bad mood as it's her very first rag week (get used to it, love, you've got another 35 years or so to go), so forgives her and they hug.

Bradders has organised a birthday surprise for JoJo - a trip on the LondonEye with champagne and truffles and everything! He tells Dadley about it and Dadley says that JoJo is far too common to appreciate it and that Bradders should find himself a classy lady. What, just like NurseTanya? Bradders also tells Dadley that JoJo's mum has just come out of the funny farm. Dadley immediately tells all his family and LittleLauren makes sarky comments about it to Bradders. Bradders has also, miraculously, managed to find a clothes shop apart from JoJo's stall, and has bought her a posh frock. RainMan delivers a card for JoJo which had arrived at the Tardis by mistake; BroJo sees it's from their mother and rips it up! However, BroJo's crime skills wouldn't tax even the Secret Seven for more than 30 secs, as he leaves the ripped card in the rubbish bin in the living room, where JoJo finds it. JoJo: annoyed.

JoJo wants BroJo to come with her to see their crazy mother, aka NutMum. BroJo says no way; JoJo is the nutty one for even wanting to go. JoJo arrives at NutMum's house to find NutMum not dressed (at 5pm!) and thinking it's 9am. Not a good start. JoJo drops BroJo into the conversation, just casual like, and NutMum starts screaming "He's dead, I tells ya! Sean is dead!" JoJo didn't realise NutMum was quite this far gone. Next day, NutMum is on quite good form and cooks JoJo a nice breakfast and gives her a digital camera for her 18th. JoJo shows NutMum a family picture. NutMum rips it up and screams a lot. JoJo flees back home, only to find that Bradders has gone on the Eye without her. She and Bradders row and she accuses him of trying to change her with his posh frocks and his London Eye trips. Bradders bursts into a few bars of Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are and they make up. JoJo tells BroJo that NutMum thinks he's dead. BroJo doesn't care.

Phoney agrees to take the BabyOfDoom out. Billy is pleased. When he comes home for lunch, Phoney has cooked a big meal. But where is the BabyOfDoom? Billy thinks the worst, but it turns out she's with Pat in the plot cupboard. Phoney says to Billy, isn't it great, just the two of us! Billy fails to pick up on her meaning until she hands him an adoption leaflet. He comes home the next day to find a note from Phoney saying that she just can't take it any more and has left him. Babs is angry and tells Billy to fight for his family "like a proper Mitchell!" Aaaargh. Billy tells her he's sick of hearing about the Mitchells - my hero! Babs and Billy take a taxi to NotDavidEssex's narrowboat in Kent (a taxi to Kent?!?!?! FFS.). They arrive. The narrowboat is moored on a green so idyllic, I keep expecting Miss Betsey Trotwood to appear to chase the donkies away. Phoney, however, has fled to the house of some posh but rather batty woman I've not seen before, who turns out to be her dead mother's sister. BattyAunt reveals her own adoption horror but says it was the right thing for her to do at the time and she will still love Phoney if she throws BabyOfDoom to the jackals.

Babs and NDE have made up now that Babs has confessed that she really rather likes BabyOfDoom, actually. Phoney arrives back and she and Billy talk about how hard BabyOfDoom's life will be. Phoney confesses that she hates the sight of BabyOfDoom and can't bear to be in the same room as "it", and that she nearly killed it with a pillow. Billy is shocked. He thinks back to his Psychology O-Level and pretends to be about to float BabyOfDoom off down the river to see if she survives. Unfortunately this backfires as Phoney is almost ready to shove the boat off, not stop him. Armed with this information, Billy reluctantly consents to the adoption. Fill and Babs are not pleased at all. PoshDoc comes around to get things going. Phoney tells Billy all about how she was expecting BabyJanet, not BabyOfDoom. As you all know, I'm actually a fan of Phoney, and she does all this stuff pretty well. She thanks Billy for going along with giving BabyOfDoom away, but Billy breaks down and cries like a big girl, which is actually rather affecting even to an old cynic such as myself.

And finally, Mrs Goggins tells TriniDad that her mother is coming over from Montserrat to meet him and that they can be a proper family at last. @@@ even wants to take TriniDad's picture to school! TriniDad realises that he hasn't thought this lying-about-the-DNA-results thing through and looks uncomfortable. This has to be one of the stupidest storylines yet for EE, and I'm even including the romance between Alan's mother and Felix the butterfly collector. Gah.

DOWNS DOWN, DEEPER AND DOWN...
Davetta's ring is too big for her, and PantoJane's clearing every corner of the cafe in a frantic search for her engagement bauble. Pat, the East End's answer to Miss Marple - though I bet Miss M had a much fruitier past, especially the Geraldine McEwan one - eyes BroJo suspiciously. BroJo does some fancy footwork - getting the ring back off Davetta and dropping it in PJane's handbag when she's not looking for PJ to find it later and buying Davetta something from Elizabeth Duke. It's not like Davetta would notice anyway. Indeed, Davetta is so dazzled by the cubic zirconia's sparkle that she thinks BroJo flinching every time she touches him is the frisson of barely-suppressed passion.

Bradley and Stacey realise that they're not going to get swanky Docklands flats on a secretary City chap and a market stall trader's earnings, and Bradley asks Davetta if they can move into Chez Lee. Blimey, the earth has barely settled on his shallow grave and they're already going through his stuff. Davetta makes a thoughtful face and announces to BroJo that they're moving out of the Slater Tardis and into Chez Lee. BroJo nearly goes into spasms over the idea of living with the flowered borders and Barry's remains all over the cellar, and tries to spend Hallowe'en on the sofa instead of watching Davetta shake her barely-legal booty in a leather catsuit at the club. Davetta gets all teary and forces him to spend the day comparing paint swatches in Habitat to prove that he loves her. BroJo's Evil Hug Face count goes through the roof. He gets his revenge by bullying Bradley and JoJo to move in and help with the mortgage or something. Davetta ups the control ante - wow, this girl has ISSUES - and plans a "romantic surprise" weekend in Venice. Aside from the fact that the words "romantic" and "surprise" always spell "mindbending disaster" in Eastenders World, does BroJo look like the kind of man who'd enjoy being serenaded in a gondola? Think so, I do not. BroJo holds back the physical revulsion only just, and says he's not going because it's JoJo's 18th birthday and he doesn't want to miss that. Is it me, or does anybody else think that his relationship with JoJo is a bit...well...creepy? I think JoJo agrees with me.

PantoJane is relieved at getting her ring back, but NOT FOR LONG. Ian's got plans for a huge swanky wedding. PantoJane tells him that she wants a registry office do with a couple of sandwiches in the park afterwards. But then Ian's got all those inlaws from his former marriages to keep sweet, so he sends out the invites for Hotel Des Poshoes anyway. Jane throws the ring at him and says the wedding's off. Then it's on again. Then there's an engagement party in the Vic that Ian uses as a PR opportunity - I'm sorry, is Stephen Merchant his PR monkey or something? PantoJane agrees to marry him after he makes an emotional speech about switching off CJ Dave's life support or something. Ian makes an evil face, just in case we didn't realise that this is another super elaborate Bealemeister setup.

Phoney really can't cope with the concept of a child who is may possibly be stupider than her. Billy meets an old friend with a Downs kid at the Downs Encounter Group, and has lots of fun engaging with parents etc. Phoney tries not to go "Eww!". She wrecks Petal's room and runs off into the night to discuss...adoption! Meanwhile, Babs has a change of heart and says she can love Petal after all, which is nice. Because Billy has a massive care home flashback and takes Petal to live with Babs until Phoney changes her mind. Phoney does lots of weeping and looking very sad indeed, and begs Billy to come back (and bring the baby if he has to). She tells the health visitor that she has changed her mind, then gets this [---] close to putting a pillow over Petal's sleeping face, but doesn't (phew!) and sits on the bed in mentalist staring mode.

Over at the TriniDad's. Geoffrey the Fresh Butler is slimy and tells TriniDad that Yolande is a no good 'ho before disappearing off to rearrange P Diddy's wardrobe or something. TriniDad believes him. Yolande: sad. @@ calls TriniDad "grandad" and gets him to do the paternity test. It comes back negative, but TriniDad doesn't tell Mrs Goggins, and lets the Gogginses believe that they're all family - well, in EE world they probably are really. Yolande announces that she's leaving, but TriniDad says he forgives her too, so she stays. Gogginses/TriniDads: happy, but maybe with a Troubled Hug Face.

In other news: GADawn breaks up with Slimy Metrosexual, then gets back together with him. Maybe Equity was cutting up rough, and the producers had to give her a few lines so that she could keep her card. Beano and Chelski find Parklife and Mrs G in a "compromising position" over at the Gogginses' old place. Ew