MORE MUPPET HOGMANAY HOGWASH
Well, they're still on this mysterious moor in the middle of nowhere, with no functioning mobile phones. This is because there is no mobile phone mast north of Manchester and despite being responsible for many of the technological innovations that form the foundations of the modern world, including the telephone, EE scriptwriters think that Scottish people communicate using two bottles of whisky tied together with string. Tsk!

Backstreet notices that Wellard is doing his Lassie act and alerts the other muppets to Scalliq's imminent doom. DJ Ross goes: "Nooooooooo! Hang on my love! I'm coming to get you!!", but Mickey Finhead pushes Backstreet out of the way and rescues Scalliq from the exploding minibus while DJ Ross flaps. Prat. Everybody (apart from Teen, whose leg is still broken) stands around shouting at Scalliq, who storms off in a hissy huffy fit. DJ Ross, Mickey and Kareena go running after him. MY Gus suggests that they split up, Scooby-style, and blunder around in the dark, freezing wilderness for an hour or two to allow Backstreet to moan about the abortion and his general uselessness to Vickney. Muh-Martin is all Mr Survival, and everybody hates Scalliq.

MY Gus's idea also allows Teen and Kellay to be alone together for the almost-inevitable lezzer storyline. Yeah, that's exactly what you do when you're sitting on a freezing cold Scottish hillside with a broken leg and only a cheap leather jacket protecting you against the rain - you think: "oooh...with those blue lips and hypothermic shiverings, Kellay, you're beautiful. Come here you little minx, you know you want to."

Well, I suppose it's one way of keeping warm...

Meanwhile back at Hotel McPosh, Bazza is "philosophical" about his impending marriage to Juhneen, while Bad Brutha just looks shifty. While Bazza is busy bribing a ponytailed Scottish stereotype into being the second witness, Bad Brutha sneaks upstairs to confess his undying love for Juhneen and try to whisk her off to the bright lights of Edinburgh, away from Bazza and...all this.

Oh. My. God. What has Juhneen done to her hair? It's a kind of Curly Sue meets Violet Elizabeth Bott with a tiara and all. But the dress is quite nice. Apart from the spaghetti straps. She bursts into tears when BB confesses his deep love, but after much faffing about, decides to go through with the wedding to Bazza because he's going to die anyway and then she can have Bad Brutha as well as the nastily-decorated house and the portakabin.

Bazz's wedding plans are comedy platinum. Not only does he play to a room-full of empty chairs, a registrar and a pony-tailed Scots stereotype, but the entire wedding party has to listen to Bazza's careful little homily about obscure Latin family mottoes (that sound wrong to my ears), not caring any more if people take the piss out of him for marrying a scheming ex-ho AND THEN he makes Bad Brutha read a Bazz-penned poem about Santa not having to give him wellies and tellies because he's got Juhneen, who's better than jelly.

Just to make sure Bazz doesn't hang around too long, Jelly Juhneen gets him to carry her up several flights of stairs, reveals her red slinky nightie and intention to shag him to within an inch of his life. Bazz calls up Doktor Boden-Shirt to check that he can actually be shagged and discovers that he's not going to die after all. Hurrah! says Bazz, hugging Juhneen to his hairy man-breasts. Juhneen's face is just...sheer poetry.

Scalliq emerges from the bushes to join Mickey Finhead - who, using his survival skills learned at Cockney SAS College, has built a little shelter for Kareena and DJ Ross. We're all set up for Scalliq's Big Revelation tomorrow then.

Wellard smells the impending lezzer storyline a mile off, and scampers off to find MY Gus, who is wandering around Scotland in mid-winter with no jacket. That dog must be missing the intellectual challenge of Robbie by now.

So place your bets everyone: who dies?

MUPPETS GO NORTH
Juhneen rolls around in bed in her bootylicious pyjamas, eating chocolates and making smug faces. It turns out that she is in the hotel in Scotland and Bad Brutha has to convince Baz-ra to run, run like the wind to be with her. Baz says that he is definitely not going to marry her but that he will go and talk to her to explain properly like. Bad Brutha goes with him - wow, being stuck in a car with Baz all the way to Scotland - maybe it won't be Juhneen who murders him after all.

The Teen Muppets roll call for the Trip Of Doom: Finhead Mickey, Vickney, Backstreet, DJ Ross, Kareena, Muh-Martin, Moomin, Gus, Teen, Kellay, Wellard. I think that's everyone, but wait! Who is that lurking in the bushes - it is Scalliq, spying on DJ Ross and touching himself lewdly. When no-one is looking, he jumps in the back of the mini-van and hides under the coats. Kareena and Finhead are flirting and carrying on for some reason. Everyone teases Backstreet for being travelsick and Vickney defends him. Her make up is fab but she is wearing a pink vest and a pink tartan mini skirt for some reason. It is like the Barbie Highland Games outfit. Kellay is wearing a bizarre metal mesh minidress. This isn't Blake's 7, love. Teen is wearing a midriff bearing top, a wierd choker with lots of crucifixes hanging off it and slinky trousers. Um Teen, I think they finished casting Charlies Angels SEVERAL YEARS AGO. As soon as they get going, Kell'n'Teen break out a bottle of Tequila.

Bad Brutha listens to Baz pissing and moaning that he is doomed and can't put Juhneen through marraige/widowhood etc for like, hours. I was worried that they would make him likable when he was terminally ill but no, he is still a big old dick. Baz keeps wanting to stop for snacks/to help passers by etc and Bad Brutha tries to keep him going. The best bit is when Baz wants to stop to help a lady motorist and BB says "Don't! She might be a feminist!". Meanwhile Juhneen starts to get anxious, even though she is being massaged by a swarthy hunk.

The Teen muppets carry on like muppets and moan about the crappy van etc. More flirting between Kareena and Finhead. She goes on about how nice it is to have a normal, none agonizing relationship which surely means that Finhead is doomed to die. The best bit is when they all start going on about how Scalliq is a creepy loser and he hears the whole thing.

Baz, BB, driving, talking, more driving.

The Teen Muppets inexplicably drive into a "American Werewolf in London" style desolate moor and get lost. They are arguing about who's fault it is when Finhead accidentally drives off the road and the van rolls over a few times. Ruh roh. The director goes crazy with lots of shaky cam action. Woo! Shake that camera! Shake it like a polaroid picture! The van comes to rest and the Teen Muppets all start screaming and howling. It doesn't sound much different from the other scenes, to be honest.

Baz arrives at the hotel. Juhneen appears in a low cut black dress and gives a tearful "If you were going to die tomorrow (and you will, doh, did I say that out loud?) then I would still want to be your wife for a single day!" speech. Baz says that as soon as he saw Juhneen (and more specifically her cleavage) he knew he wanted to marry her and proposes again. Juhneen accepts (duh) and smiles triumphantly over his shoulder at Bad Brutha.

Everyone piles out of the Van of Doom. Kareena has a nose bleed and Vickney has some photogenic scrapes on her cheek but everyone else is OK apart from Teen who is screaming non stop. Shut up Teen. She has a broken leg but that's no excuse. Unfortunately they manage to drag her out without having to amputate with a rusty pen knife and tequila as anaesthetic and Sonia activates her Medical Moomin Powers to take charge (she says "We need to get her to a hospital" Cheers, Sonia). They can't get a signal on their phones, are all underdressed for parky Scottish weather and then the van catches fire. Scalliq weakly cries for help. I assume he is trapped too. Wellard does a valiant Lassie-when-Timmy-is-stuck-down the-Well barking "I think he's trying to tell us something!" routine but all the Muppets are too thick to notice. Burn Scalliq! burn!

THE CLAP CLINIC AND THE MINIBUS OF DOOM
If this episode were sponsored by a DIY product, it would be Polyfilla. I actually found updating my Palm V's address book more interesting than this.

Drippy has an appointment at the clap clinic to get tested for various nasty diseases, but she doesn't want to tell Billy just in case he starts thinking she's a slut again. She tries to get Kyert No-Myerts to come with her, but Kyert is busy getting ready to leave town. But Billy has sobered up after the Xmas madness and decided to be sensitive and caring and supportive. They go to the clap clinic, and he buys her a special pizza for being a Brave Drippy.

Juhneen hears a "You're not quite worm food yet mate" message from Doktor Boden-Shirt and demands the truth Barry, the truth. Bazza tells her that he's dying (no you're not, pillock), so they might as well not bother getting married. Juhneen looks so shocked, you almost think she cares for about half a second. She has a crisis meeting with Bad Brutha in the car lot, and tells him that she hasn't been Bazza's love slave all this time for nothing, and there'll be a ring on her finger and a nastily-decorated three-bed semi in her name by the end of January, or her name isn't Juhneen The Ho. Bad Brutha gives her a weird handcuff-shaped bracelet with "Bad Brutha 4 Juhneen 4EVA XXX" written on it. How subtle.

The Slaters (minus Slutty - who is still in Margate admiring Youngish British Art) discover AGarry in their kitchen and shout a lot. Sullen's hair has shrunk overnight, and she shouts back that she loves AGarry and she's going to have his baybay despite not even showing a trace of morning sickness, extreme tiredness or bloating (lucky cow). Led by Drippy, the Slaters change their tune and welcome AGarry back into the fold. OK, I'm bored already. When and how is Sullen leaving, eh? eh?

Simpleton doesn't seem all that upset about AGarry and Sullen (well, would you?), especially when AGarry tells her that last week's surprise revelations were the work of the Bealemeister. To the chip shop, Simpers! Lots of veiled threats and dullness, but at least the Bealemeister is back and getting funky with his bad self.

Juhneen sends Bad Brutha out to Loser's Bench to get Bazza drunk and tell him to marry Juhneen. BB tries his best, but Bazza gets the wrong end of the stick and tells Juhneen that he's "setting her free" because he can't stand the idea of Juhneen facing broken-hearted widowhood. Juhneen shakes her fist at his retreating, sobbing back and goes "grrr". Then she spies a brochure for romantic elopement breaks in Scotland and smiles evilly. Oh for fuck's sake, another wedding? All she has to do is get him to change his bloody will...

Kyert's handing over the keys to SophistiKyert's Nail Bar and Detective Agency, but Sham and Araminta gloat a little too much for Kyert's liking, and she has a last-minute change of mind. Go Kyert! Oh...right, ok...Stay Kyert! Sham pouts blondely and Araminta looks "troubled".

Muppets in Haggis Country build-up, part XI. Martin's worried about Mickey Finhead's minibus, but not so worried that he accepts Scalliq's offer of the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine - with added boys-only double bed and a selection of scanty leather outfits. DJ Ross still indicates that it's still ova between him and Scalliq, and Mickey Finhead turns up in a deathbox on wheels. Kareena and Finhead snog in the street. Scalliq is sad.

I SAW DADDY KISSING ROSA KLEBB
The post-wedding weirdness continues...Fool and Slutty (who would like to proclaim her respectable status and be known as Mrs Fool, but she'll always be Slutty to us) take Ethel 2.0 on their honeymoon to Margate. In the middle of winter. There is a word for this kind of behaviour, but it is very offensive and it begins with "P". Oh well, maybe it's a post-modern commentary on the nature of the honeymoon, and hopefully they'll try and flog Ethel 2.0 to the Tracey Emin museum.

Bazza carries on eating. Juhneen orders him to go for a run to try and burn off at least some of the flab. So he jogs to the Kwik E Mart and buys a Terrys White Chocolate Orange. Doktor Boden-Shirt catches him stuffing chocolate orange goodness into his gob, and whisks him off to the surgery for some Bad News. Bazza has an enlarged heart (my mum's cat died of that), and he's going to have to go for more tests. Bazza looks up the wrong disease on the InterWeb and thinks he's going to die. Half an hour later he beats David Blunkett et al at Celebrity Mastermind. Who'd have thought it, eh?

Sullen corners AGarry and tells him that it's Boxing Day, therefore time to dump Simpleton and the Simplet. AGarry has been landed with babysitting duties while Simpers does the sales with Pat, so he invites Sullen over to the family bedsit. Little does he know that the Bealemeister has him in his evil sights and is ready to do mischief. Ian taunts Simpleton about AGarry's reputation, and then cooks up some excuse to send her back to the bedsit in time to find Sullen and AGarry doing the nasty on her bed. Ew...ewww and thrice ewww.

Las Bencheros de las Perdidos are piled high with the Teen Muppets, discussing next week's Och-Aye-The-Noo Muppets in Kilts jaunt. Martin can't get train tickets, and they can't hire cars because they're all muppets and nobody would lend them a vehicle. Moomin's hairstyle now has flicky ends, and she keeps patting Martin on the knee encouragingly. Enter Mickey the Finhead, who twinkles at Kareena a bit, and then says he's got a full-on minibus for hire. Umm...yeah? OK, say the Muppets. This is, of course, the Minibus of Doom that we've been hearing so much about.

Kyert knows that Denman and O-Den did her a favour and set up Fill, but for some reason she's cross about this, and tells Denman so. Weird woman.

Meanwhile, Gay Pike discovers that Poline not only bought the Pikelets presents just in case, but she also saved his letters and gave them to Man-Faced Daughter. He's in the middle of giving her a really horrible time about it when Man-Faced Daughter appears at the door, full of love and forgiveness. Then Homophobic Son appears with Impossibly Blonde Grandson, and there's more angry words followed by tearful reconciliations. Poline beams down on all this from the kitchen door like some over-made-up Christmas tree fairy.

MERRY CHRISTMAS MR POTATO-HEAD
(now bugger off and don’t come back for a year at least)
There’s some big row that contrives to scatter the Wattses from Weird Family Central on Christmas morning, leaving Kyert all on her ownsome, but I missed it because I was watching Some Like It Hot (nobody’s perfect). Just as she’s making herself some breakfast and wondering whether or not to swap around the labels on the presents, Fill (with his arm in a really manky sling) kicks the front door in.

So how did he escape exactly? Did he put a wooden horse next to the prison yard wall and encourage his fellow inmates to leap over it while he dug a tunnel with a teaspoon? Answers on a postcard please.

Fill has grown a Ray Winstone-as-Henry-VIII-style ginger beard that makes him look less like a potato and more like a mouldy kiwi fruit. He stomps around the house, and discovers Kyert’s underwear in Denman’s bedroom. This makes him really cross, and he goes downstairs to ask why….why? Ummm…look in the mirror, pal. He and Kyert shout about their failed marriage, and Kyert yammers on about marrying a kind, sensitive man, not a bank-robbing thug. Did she turn up at the wrong wedding or something? In the end, Kyert persuades him to leave his gun behind, and she’ll give him an hour before she sets the Dogs of DS Marsden on him.

Meanwhile, Fool’s decree absolute is still not around, and the registrar has refused to marry him. But, instead of calling the whole thing off, Fool gets David Walliams off Little Britain to do his village idiot act, and pretend to be the registrar. This idea is so crap that even Backstreet is moved to call him a muppet – coming from The Great Gonzo, that is truth indeed. Ethel 2.0 has a moment of sanity and says that he should stop trying to play the big fixer and be the “real” Fool Moon for Slutty.

Slutty and the Slater girls all get ready over at the Slater house. Billy remembers their wedding anniversary at the last minute and makes Drippy a card out of a Blue Peter presenter and a packet of fags. Drippy is stupidly happy. Billy spends the rest of the day looking uncomfortable every time Drippy says something.

AGarry and Sullen have a very public secret liaison on the forecourt of Evans Cars. Sullen is still in her pyjamas, the slattern. Posh arrives for bridesmaid duty, and seems to have ditched the wigs for good. But she doesn’t actually get to say anything. Boo!

Slutty’s bridal outfit appears to be her previous wedding dress dyed scarlet, with some weird bustle contraption at the back. It could have been worn by one of the Dickensian doxies on Oliver! (shown earlier today).

The Ferreira Kidz all escape down the pub, but they’re still shunning Shirley, who is alone in the flat with her turkey breast and solitary glass of vino. That is, until Nat and Pat rescue her from Single Xmas Hell and take her down the pub.

Just as the wedding starts, Fool whisks Slutty upstairs and tells her that it’s all a tissue of lies – he’s not legally marrying her, and the registrar is actually Him off Little Britain. Slutty screams and rages about not wanting to be Slutty any more – she wants to be a nice girl, she does. Anyway, there’s another exchange where they talk about putting on a front and it all being about the Truth, Alfie, the Truth yadda yadda. Alfie goes downstairs to risk his life by telling the Slaters that it’s all off again but then Lewis the Loser Lawyer appears from nowhere with the Decree Absolute. ‘Tis a Miracle! A proper registrar is rustled up from nowhere and Slutty does indeed have her Christmastide wedding, with fake snow and everything.

But what happens to Fill? Well, he follows O-Den into the club and starts beating him up, one-armed. O-Den breaks a chair over his head to calm him down, and then offers him his share of the loot to bugger off for a year or two. Then Denman appears. Fill punches Denman, accepts his share of the loot, and hides in the caff while Sham hunts for Billy.

Oh yes, and there’s quite a sweet exchange between the Dens about fathers and sons, and Traditional Family Christmas Rows and Denman’s temper etc.

Sham appears to have a fit of amnesia because she walks right past Billy in the Vic. She gets Rickay to drive Fill’s getaway Ford Fiesta. While they're waiting, Fill moans on about how every woman he ever married wanted to change him - incidentally, does he use the same ring every time he gets married, or does he buy a new one - and nobody will love him for the ugly little bruiser that he really is. Not while the likes of Denman can give the same services in a more aesthetically pleasing fashion anyway. He and Rickay escape while everybody else dances around in the fake snow, and DS Marsden’s Pretty Plods scratch their heads in wonder.

FOR GAWD'S SAKE GET FOOL TO THE COURT ONNNN TIIIME!
Fool: hungover and handcuffed to the bed. He has to be in court in two hours and doesn't see that Slutty has put the key about two inches from his nose. Prat. Even Backstreet finds the key and off Fool dashes to the court, only to find it's closed. Does he tell Slutty? What do you think?

Martin has found a job as an irritating Charity Santa. Moomin beams approvingly and bestows a festive Moomin kiss on Martin. Poline gets a card from Mark in Finland (maybe he's got a seasonal job as Santa's Little Helper).

Shazza doesn't like Kyert staying with them because Kyert was the one who dobbed Fill in it, and besides, it makes freakish crypto-incest with Denman well nigh impossible. Den grounds Vickney just in case Fill is overcome by a fit of public-spiritedness and does her in instead of Kyert or Shazza. Vickney wants a "family" Christmas (though she seems to have forgotten about phoning her mother) and doesn't want Kyert to be there. Kyert is sad. Denman decides to comfort her in the only way he knows how (did the shirt come off, btw?).

Drippy has forgotten her wedding anniversary. She's also scared about facing Rapist Graham in court.

Dadvis welcomes the prodigal Ash home and taunts Shirley in public. Shirley is sad.

DI Marsden phones Kyert to tell her that a fat spud-head matching Fill's description has been arrested in Portsmouth (EE scriptwriters discover another south coast town shock!). Den gloats at Sham, but then a taxi draws up outside, and duh-duh duhhhhh! It's Fill! The Spudhead in the Portsmouth cells turns out to be Araminta!

Sorry it's so short folks, but I was busy battling with my cousins over the traditional Xmas Eve prawn curry feast.

FOOL IN CHAINS
Adull checks himself out in the mirror - a giant guitar shaped bruise is vaguely visible beneath his luxuriant chest rug. He wanders round all day flinching and sucking in his breath. When Kareena finds out she runs round and begs Ash to come home before Dadvis goes even more crazy mad nutcase and buries them all alive in a giant blue suede shoe or whatever. Ash suggests they call the police but Adull and Kareena says "oh no, we must drag this storyline out as long as possible." Ash agrees, dumps Shirley and goes home. Dadvis smiles the most hateful, evil smile ever.

Simpleton gets her final divorce papers through and spends the day wandering round insulting Ian for being sad and alone. A-Garrry tries to arrange it so he can go to the stag do with Sullen while Simpers babysits but she ropes in Pat to help and turns up at the party. AG and Sullen slope off to have a quick knee-trembler and Ian spots them and smiles his evil Bealemeister smile.

Poline finds Pike burning the contents of his Box of Memories. Pike cries a lot because being gay is all tragic and shit, even in 2003.

Scalliq can't get tickets for the "Naked Men Only" party he wanted to take DJ Ross to. DJ Ross is disgusted at his poor organisational skills and decides to go on the Teen Muppet Och Aye the Noo Scottish Adventure instead. Scalliq is devatated as New Years Eve is the best night of the year for making passes at paralytically drunk straight boys. Not that I know from personal experience or anything. No really.

The Watts all sit around at home moaning and getting on my nerves. In the end O-Den says they are allowed to go out for a drink so they all troop off to the Vic. O-Den goes behind the bar and serves himself, the little tinker. Poline shows up and they exchange unpleasantries. Denman runs off, makes Kyert scared with tales of all the bad things that Fill will do to her and then invites her to stay with them so he can "keep an eye on her". Is that what the young people are calling it nowadays? Kyert eventually agrees and shows up round the Watts house.

Sweaty Lawyer tells Fool that he can collect his decree thingy on Xmas Eve but that he has to get there before midday. Fool and Slutty bin off thei rrespective stag/hen nights of horror and decide to go to the Indian and have a drinking/eating vindaloo competition instead. Who knew that Slutty was actually a rugby player. They laugh and carry on a lot and then go home pissed. Teen pops up from the hen night long enough to give Slutty some fluffy handcuffs so Slutty decides to handcuff Fool to the bed - yes, that's a great idea especially as he has been on the piss and eating curry all night. Will he ever make it to collect his decree on time etc etc zzzz.

WITLESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
Everyone is aflutter with news of Fill's daring jailbreak. DCI Marsden descends on the Square with her new feathered hair-don't and a posse of square jawed, pretty boy cops. Apparently he is bound to return to Walford as Fill doesn't know anything else. So pitiful. They interview Blonde Avenger Sham, Billy and Minty and don't get anywhere. One cop questions Kyert and she acts all hard-boiled and tries to tell him his job. Listen missy, you're the one who wanted to be a manicurist so don't start...

Drippy is still the Flinchiest Barmaid in Walford, but her and Billy seem to be getting on better. Fool continues to shout at Loser Lawyer over the phone. They have the rehearsal thing and Slutty incorrectly states that "nothing can go wrong".

The Natural Order of the World is disrupted when Pike makes Martin watch the stall so he can run off on a personal errand. He lurks around and spies on Manfaced Daughter whilst pathetically clutching his Box of Memories.

Baz has a funny turn whilst jogging and goes to see Doktor Boden-Shirt. The doktor says that he is a fat fucking waste of space ("genetically predisposed to heart failure") and that he has to look after himself. When Baz tells Juhneen she instantly runs off to get him some cans of beer and deep fried sugar and lard pies. Juhneen is wearing a pastel pink jumper that a) is not remotely eeevill, and b) does nothing for her complexion.

Pat (Yo! Pat!) decides to move into Gavin's old flat. she feels bad deserting Simpleton but Simpleton says she doesn't mind as she is going to have a proper family xmas with A-Garrry and the baybay. Meanwhile A_G is running around behind her back trying to plot to move back in with ol' Sullen.

Shirley goes round to try and talk some sense into Dadvis. Dadvis throws her out of the house. Later on they run into each other by the caff and Shirley gets her bitch on, calls Dadvis a pathetic loser, says she is glad she ended up with Ash, explains how tragic Dadvis' Elvis fixation is, says he is going to fuck up his other kids, etc etc. Yowsa Shirley! You go with your bad self! Dadvis goes home and is mean to Adull. Adull tries to placate him with his xmas gift (a verrry nasty geetar-shaped lamp) but Dadvis dashes the ugly lamp to the ground and advances menacingly on Adull. I am guessing it is...stop! hammer time! (not that domestic violence is funny or anything, even when it is Adull getting beaten up).

Most of the rest of the action takes place at Wierd Family Central. Poor old shazza spends half the episode squealing like a fishwife for the Dens to tell her what is going on and why her and Vickney have to go into hiding or whatever. O-den pops out and pays Byrite Andy some money to protect his little princesses. When they finally tell Shazza about the fit up robbery blah blah blah she goes into overacting overdrive, rolls her eyes around glassily and weeps a single, perfectly formed tear. She accuses the Dens of being "judge, jury and executioner" (executioner? I wish...) and says they are as bad as Fill. (O-Den is perturbed to hear this shocking psychological insight). O-Den says he did it because Fill smacked her a while back and that no-one puts Shazza in the corner. Shazza is shocked and appalled and starts going on about how he has doomed them all to die horribly at Fill's chubby pink hands. Jesus Shazza, take a pill or switch to decaf or something...

MO' BETTER BLUES
Ooooh look! There’s Araminta, lurking all over this episode and trying desperately to look shifty and hard. Actually, nearly every scene has a bald-potato-faced man lurking sinisterly near a Watts. Could it be that something has happened with Fill?

Well, we’re back at Weird Family Central. Den’s off to do panto clear up some “business� in Spain. Shazza is all happy that they’re all going to spend Christmas together, and digs out a ghastly 80s-style white Woolworths fake tree and some 20-year-old decorations so that the Wattses can remember Christmases past –you mean Arfur’s nervous breakdown, Den’s Xmas day divorce papers and Angie’s suicide attempt? Happy days…

Fool is shouting at his sweaty solicitor because he doesn’t understand that decree absolutes take longer than five minutes to sort out, the loser. Slutty gets all Bridezilla about the cake and the fact that Teen is still taking measurements for the wedding dress less than a week before the big day. Just go and get something from John Lewis, love. That’s what I did.

One of the bald Fill-a-likes is dressed as Santa, and goes around with a very well-filled festive begging bucket, but nobody robs him. Ve-r-ry suspicious.

Drippy notices that Billy is avoiding her and spending all day staring at an empty pint glass in the pub. DC “Well it’s better than writing musicals for Andrew Lloyd Webber� tells her that Stalker Rapist Graham will be charged later on that day. Billy lies and says that he really does think that Drippy was raped, but then does the classic soap looking doubtful/shifty over other person’s shoulder that signifies that he isn’t Telling The Truth.

Sacked Sullen looks glummer than usual when Slutty does her “La la la I’m getting married� act. Apparently today is the day that she and AGarry D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Normal, sane people would be rejoicing at this, but Sullen gets a pregnancy test instead and looks sulkily at the package. Later on, she tells AGarry that she doesn’t want to get divorced, and anyway, she’s pregnant. AGarry is overjoyed, but then he spies Simpleton pushing the Simplet’s pram around the market and looks guilty/doubtful/shifty over Sullen’s shoulder.

Denman’s back from Brighton, and he’s bought some hair gel for himself, and huge stick of rock for Kyert (ooer missus). Kyert’s mobile phone keeps ringing, but nobody is on the other end. Detective Kyert doesn’t think this is unusual. O-Den charges Denman with the care of the Watts women – oh for God’s sake, Shazza can take care of herself with those shoulders.

O-Den tries to buy the Vic from Sham again, this time with a Tesco bag full of used twenties. Sham has just heard that Fill has escaped from HMP Lakeland Plastics, and says no. She and Araminta speculate gleefully on how Fill will use his new-found knowledge of the Beechwood Citrus Reamer on the Wattses. O-Den goes to the airport in a taxi driven by a bald-potato head who isn’t Fill.

Denman overhears Dot and Jim speculating about Fill’s escape (eh?) and runs home to save the women by packing them off to Brighton. Shazza demands to know what is going on, then O-Den reappears. Looks like the Captain Hook panto gig in Bromley is off for a while.

SHITE CLUB
Geezer smackdown plot: Trini-dad makes Jim drink some brownish monkey-crack type fluid to make him fight harder and drags him off down the community centre. Moomin gets out all Jim's old boxing photos and arranges them on the floor to spell out the letters "Jim is going to have a fight". When Dot finds out she rushes round and shouts "Jim!" at just the right moment to allow Fagin to knock him out. When Jim comes round Dot tells him that he won anyway.

Slutty has a Bridezilla mentalist episode when Sullen and Mo come home with an xmas cake as they cannot find a wedding cake in the shops. They re-ice it and make a huge fucking deal of it as though they are repainting the Forth Bridge or something. Jesus - icing sugar and water! how hard is that! apparently Drippy is the icing expert but she is nowhere to be found. Where can she be?

Shirley gets sick of Ash and asks him to move out, but then Secret Santa Simpleton pops up inexplicably to give her a lecture on the True Meaning of Christmas, so she lets him stay after all. There is one scene where Ash plays with the adorable ginger kitten. Yay!

Fool meets his loser lawyer but at this point my sister rang up to complain about the Last Ever Episode of Buffy, so I don't know what happened. We all know they get married at xmas so who cares.

Juhneen asks Baz what he wants as a massive wedding/xmas present, just so that Baz is forced to think of a massive present for her. Bad Brutha goes round and hypnotises Baz into putting the house in their joint names or something. Baz is so pleased that he asks BB to be his best man. Later on Baz tells Juhneen about the joint house thing and she hugs him and gives a patented evil Juhneen smile.

Drippy and Billy have to go back to talk to DC Meera Syal about the rape case. Graham is saying it was consensual. Surprise surprise. DC "Wasting my talents on the kumars at number 42" asks about the presents such as the rose and the secret pen. Billy is shocked and appalled. Also he is pissed off when he finds out that Kyert knows all about it too. Yes, Billy, Drippy did all these things on purpose just to make your life a misery. He puts on his gay looking bomber jacket, walks round the square a few times and then sits on Losers Bench to cry.

BRASSED OFF
This episode is interspersed with scenes of a Salvation Army band and choir playing carols in the Square, in case anyone has, like, forgotten that it is nearly Xmas. This is going to be a bit shit, btw, as I am suffering with sore throat/flu style sickness (and blatantly fishing for sympathy, any chance I can!)

Billt continues to be shocked at Drippy's shocking shock revelation. He looks uncomfortable etc but does and says all the right things. Drippy says she doesn't want to be a victim any more and that she thought she was being strong keeping it a secret but actually it would be stronger to grass Graham up to the cops. They go to the police and are put in a relaxing mauve suite with lots of boxes of tissues and interviewed by a specialist lady officer (I thought she was Meera Syal for a sec, but not). Drippy then has examinations etc etc etc while billy stands around saying the Right Things. Drippy says to him that she doesn't want things to change between them and Billy agrees insincerely. They sit next to each looking uncomfortable and awkward. Graham is watching the carols and a cop car comes along and he is arrested.

The Teen Muppet North of the Border Extravaganza continues to pick up pace. Baz overhears them talking about it and suggests that him and Juhneen go to Gretna Green and get married. This is the third high speed marraige this week alone! Juhneen talks it over with Bad Brutha and they gloat about getting Bazza's house put in Juhneen/Baz's joint names.

Fool asks Backstreet to be his best man. Doesn't that role require, like, organisation skills?

More Rocky stylee training montages with Jim and Trini-Dad. Jim says he wants to practise sparring so there are some non comedy scenes of him and TriniDad attempting to punch each other. Sonia catches them at it and tells Jim off for his childish fantasies. Jim moans about pride or something and Moomin's frosty heart is softened by his pleas.

Ash mopes around and then goes whining to Shirley. she says he can move in with her. All the other kids mope around while Dadvis sits and watches religious programmes while muttering to himself like a mentalist. When they mention Ash he says "Who is this "Ash" of whom you speak?" Kareena cooks dinner but when Dadvis sees the empty table setting he goes mental and throws food all over the floor. Instead of saying "Dude, you're cleaning that up and then paying for a take away" the kids cower ineffectually in the corner. Borrrrr-ingggg!

WELL SINCE MY SHIRLEY LEFT ME...
Dadvis won't come out of his room (what is he? 15?), so Adull and Ash stand outside his door arguing loudly about telling Dadvis about Ash and Shirley. Dadvis smashes Ash's picture and goes on a vengeful rampage of jealousy at the bookies. He shouts at Shirley, who shouts back and tells him to bugger off. Adull comes scuttling in after Dadvis and pleads with Shirley to dump Ash. Shirley must wonder what she has let herself in for. Anyway, Dadvis hits the Wild Turkey once again, and poor old Adull takes the flak. Umm...he's like this because you let him get away with it, Kidz. Ash comes home, prewarned by Shirley, and gets thrown out. Dadvis declares that he has no son - well, no oldest son anyway. The other two are still around, after all.

New Good MMartin gets an invitation to spend Hogmanay in Scotland with Asif. How sweet! He hasn't met somebody else at the Fresher's Ball then. MMartin decides to make it a full-on Teen Muppet outing. Oh joy! Kareena is doubtful, but then she realises that a couple of days in a van with Former Blackmailing Baddy-now-Reformed Martin is infinitely preferable to another New Year's Eve with her crazed father and idiot brothers.

Poor old Drippy twitches her way through her shift at the pub. In walks Rapist Graham, who acts like nothing has happened, and starts bonding cabbily with Charlie. He even tries to give Drippy a "late birthday present" that he forgot to give her after he'd raped her (silly Graham). Even Drippy goes: "aaaagh! Get away from me you weird stalker rapist person!" But she still won't go to the police. That is, until Teen appears and Graham starts chatting to her. Bearing in mind that Teen could probably strangle Graham with one manhand, Drippy goes crazy and runs out of the pub to tell Idiot Billy that she's been raped. Billy is shocked.

Bash Street Brannigan spends the day getting sweaty with TriniDad and talking about eyes of tigers and rising up to the challenge of your rival. Fagin mocks him some more and waves a carrot in his face. You don't believe me do you? I'm not lying, you know. Fagin carries a faaancy chrome juicer around with him in a little bag, and a bunch of carrots...it's the truth. Honest!

Fool's sweaty loser solicitor demands more money from Fool to sort out the divorce. Fool doesn't seem to know the difference between a decree nisi and a decree absolute, but this doesn't surprise me. Slutty is suspicous.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'LL COWER IN THE BEDROOM IF I WANT TO
The fun continues...

Drippy can't look at anybody and keeps brushing her hair forward in a strange, Toni-Arthurish fashion. Nobody notices though - including idiot Billy. He organises a "surprise party" in the Vic even though Drippy makes every excuse under the sun not to go anywhere near the place all day.

No Mates Kyert tries to persuade Drippy to go to the police, and fails. Drippy says she's going to pretend that nothing's happened because she doesn't want to upset Billy.

Fool and Slutty come home to find that Drippy has failed to open up the Vic and that an angry crowd has gathered outside. Slutty finds Drippy cowering, thinks she's just being Drippy, and we get yet another reiteration of Shite Plot Device #7: talking over other person and misunderstanding - again. Slutty thinks that Drippy is being...well..drippy about a minor harassment and tells her that it's all part of the Way of The Barmaid. Drippy nods and goes off to find her most nun-like outfit for her birthday dinner with Billy.

Ash and Adull talk boringly about Shirley and will Ash won't Ash tell Dadvis. Adull is frightened that Dadvis will take out his fury on him, not Ash. Oh stand up for yourself, boy!

Gay Pike won't eat his breakfast sausage, so Poline goes off to find Homophobic Son, who lives in the Fortress of Homophobia - aka Bromley. Actually, he appears to live in Darnley Road - wasn't Darnley Mary Queen of Scots' Big Gay Husband? Obscure historical references aside, Homophobic Son has a horrid little beard, wears grey jumpers and lives in a Barratt home with fake pillars. He says he wants nothing to do with Gay Pike. Poline is sad. She returns home and tells Gay Pike that his children are even viler than her own. Gay Pike can't quite believe this, and gazes for a long time at photographs of Poline's lying/cheating/criminal/ boring offspring in happier times.

Once again, Ash fails to tell Dadvis - who bamboozles him with some nonsense about how glad he is that Shirley can talk books with his kids or whatever. Shirley is reading a book in the Vic when Dadvis rolls in for another crack at her defences. She realises that Ash didn't tell him and walks out. Dadvis follows her, and Shirley finally yells: "For God's sake you stupid old fart, I'm shagging your eldest son. Now leave me alone and go and mime Heartbreak Hotel or something!"

MMartin creeps around Dot, fixing broken shelves etc. Moomin is cross and tells Dot that he's only doing it to get into Moomin's knickers. Dot does a lot of bible quoting this week.

Fagin appears when you least expect him and taunts Jim into agreeing to fight him. Oh please stop this now.

Billy approves of Drippy's new Nun look (plus Argos locket with pic of Stupid Terence in it), and drags her into the Vic, where all and sundry are gathered to party in her honour. All the men line up to paw at Drippy and kiss her festively - even AGarry. It's all too much for Drippy and she bursts into tears.

Sorry this update isn't very funny, but I'm still angry about this victim nonsense. Kacey Ainsworth is a fine actress, and it's good that she's finally got something meaty to do after months of Frank Spencer-style simpering. However, there are other ways of dealing with this topic, and as usual the EE scriptwriters have taken the Brookside/Hollyoaks route. Soon every single woman on the Square will be a teenage blonde would-be lingerie designer with a thing for middle-aged men, or the Token Fat Bird, or a woefully inept gangstress - oops we've already got one of those, haven't we?

WHAT HAS MO, WHAT HAS MO, WHAT HAS MO DONE TO DESERVE THIS?
Hmmm, this is going to be a fun one to write up. Basically it starts off with Billy pacing around waiting for Drippy to come home. His evening is ruined when (a) she doesn't and (b) Big Mo comes in, off her tits, drops curry all over the floor and starts going on about how she likes to be shagged first thing in the morning. Ew, ew and thrice ewwww. Billy is sad and roams the streets looking for his errant missis.

Kyert packs ineptly.

In the pub, Drippy cringes in disarray on the floor while Evil Evil Rapist Bloke stares at her blankly, sparks up and then starts chatting like they are a regular couple who have just had a shag. After he leaves, Drippy makes wibbly faces for a bit and then sets off home. I suppose that this isn't the best time to say that Drippy has a great rack in that top. She is contemplating spending the night on Losers Bench when Kyert (who definitely has no mates whatsoever) drags her off the street for a girly drink and chat. Kyert displays her ace detective skillz by wittering on for half an hour before realising that Drippy is traumatised to fuck. She asks what's wrong and Drippy recounts her ordeal while Kyert rolls her eyes around and makes tragic faces. Kyert says that Drippy should kall the kops but Drippy doesn't want to be examined and photographed etc. She finds out for the first time that Kyert used to be a cop. Yes, Kyert, if I was as shit at my job as you I would also keep it quiet. Drippy says that she doesn't want to (a) fuck things up with Billy, (b) put her family through more law related malarkey and (c) be considered a loser victim by everyone again after all the shit she went though with ol' PsychoTrevor. fortunately she acts all stoney and emotionally shut down and doesn't snivel and cry too much. Kyert is still gurning and twitching like a crazy lady so Drippy assumes that it is because she is disgusted with Drippy and makes to leave. Kyert begs her to stay, gets out a vast ugly broach and tells a creepy story about how she saw her mother being raped by Geordie Spides on her 8th birthday. What the fuck? This whole thing is really stagey but both ladies do a pretty good acting job, I suppose. They bond and say they are best mates 4eva etc and Kyert again begs Drippy to tell people and report the crime. Drippy says she won't and makes Kyert promise to keep it secret. Drippy goes off and Kyert doesn't even bother to walk her home as she is required by the script to immediately go in and weep over the Gaudy Broach of Violated Motherhood.

When Drippy gets home, Billy shouts at her for worrying him. She is about to tell him Everything when the writers resort to Shit Eastenders Plot Cliche # 7 and have him interrupt her to say that he is sorry for acting a dick over her job and that he hopes nothing ever comes between them. Also he inexplicably fails to notice that she is traumatised to fuck. He gives her a locket for her birthday with pix of Billy and Stupid Terence the Dog in it. Heh. Drippy can't tell him after that and goes off to have a shower and brush her teeth. Fuckin' Hell, their bathroom is huge! It's bigger than my bedroom! What's that all about?

I agree with Sarah that this plotline is appalling and gratuitous, but I am used to Eastenders totally crap depiction of women and gender roles etc. It gives Kacey Ainsworth a chance to do something other than simper and act retarded, I suppose...

DRIPPY VERSUS WET WET WET
(or: I think Marti Pellow should sue)
It's another busy night in the Vic, and Drippy's in charge. Despite having served behind the bar of the Vic for thousands of years, Silent Tracey doesn't seem to mind that this Drippy-come-lately has been promoted over her head, or maybe she does, especially as it means that she gets some more lines. Billy's still worried about safeguarding Drippy's virtue because the perambulating stag party seems to be back and causing trouble, but Drippy says she can handle it. Billy leaves her in the dubious care of Sullen and AGarry, and goes home to prepare the house for Drippy's birthday celebrations, starting with a Bazza-style candlefest in the living room. That house has already gone up in flames once, you know.

Gay Pike is sad. Poline arranges to meet with Man-faced Daughter and ask her why...why? Man-faced Daughter says that Gay Pike was never around when she needed him (that's because your mum banned him from your presence, dear...what is he? psychic?), and her brother, possessed by the Forces of Homophobia, apparently doesn't want Man-faced Daughter to have anything to do with Gay Pike. Poline's face hardens, and she demands the address of Homophobic Son. As the offspring of Gay Pike, Man-faced Daughter doesn't have a will of her own, naturally, and she obediently writes down Homophobic Son's address - strangely enough, I know somebody who lives in that street..

Dadvis tells Adull that Shirley's polite brush-offs are proof that she's gagging for some Dadvis-lovin', and decides to go and ask her out yet again. But oh no! Ash is already there, sensitively helping her prepare a romantic dinner for two. He hides in that odd little corridor bit (coward) while Dadvis tries to persuade Shirley again. Oh just leap out and say: "Bugger off, you bequiffed old hasbeen. She's mine, I tell you!" Shirley says the meal for two is to celebrate Kyert moving in downstairs, gets rid of Dadvis and wails at Ash some more. Ash promises to tell Dadvis...tomorrow...

Back at the Vic, Stalker Graham is in, and we learn that he is a cabbie when he trades shortcut information with Charlie (bet it wasn't anywhere south of the river either). I suppose this compounds his crime somehow because he probably breaks some Cabbie Code (thou shalt not stalk and rape thy fellow cabbie's offspring). I think the Hackney Carriage office should sue. He plays darts with Gay Pike and generally looks fed up when Billy's around. Oh, and he keeps putting that awful Wet Wet Wet cover of Love is All Around. Danger! Danger!!

Jim's boxing nickname was "Basher Brannigan", apparently. He's boasting about his conquests when Ron Moody (for it is he - and in remarkably good nick for his age) appears with a bunch of charming Victorian urchins in tow and taunts Jim some more. Dot tells Ron/Fagin to back off, and Fagin decides to review the situation and retreat for now. TriniDad winds Jim up and I think there's going to be some kind of Old Codger Stand-Off over Christmas. Christ, who'd be a pensioner on EE, eh? What happened to tea and bingo down at the community centre?

Silent Tracey is ill ("I'm not very well, it says here"), and Drippy sends her home. Foolish Drippy! AGarry and Sullen slip off to the Arches for a quickie and Drippy is soon left alone in a deserted, locked pub with Stalker Graham, who helps her clean up, then uses his eeevil stalker powers to put the WWW song on a loop, and makes a grab for poor, twitching Drippy.

I'm appalled by this. Can't we have a Christmas when Drippy doesn't get sexually assaulted or battered or romantically disappointed or locked in a burning room with Eeeevil Trevor? This whole "once a victim, always a victim" nonsense is demeaning and an insult to viewers' intelligence - but then EE scriptwriters must think we're stupid if we can accept Fill Mitchell as a sex god.

PIKES REUNITED
Typical. I go away on holiday and loads of exciting, crazy stuff happens but as soon as I get back it is the dullest episode ever. Thanks, Eastenders. Thanks for nothing!

Anyway; Poline, Queen of Orangeness, has arranged a surprise trip for Gay Pike to see his daughter. Eventually she tells him what the surprise is and Pike moans about his tragic gay life. Boring! He is really nervous about meeting daughter Mary until Poline says that (a) Mary wants to see him and (b) Pike's evil bitch wife is dead and buried and won't be able to interfere. Poline simpers that her and Martin wouldn't know what to do without Pike to help them and Pike simpers that Poline has done the nicest thing for him ever. They drive off in Pike's shitty 1970s car but the man-faced daughter slams the door in their face and says it is all a terrible mistake. Ha ha!

Brave trooper Kyert puts on a brave face and gives Sullen a job as her nail barmaid. She also looks for a flat and arranges to view Drippy and Billy's old flat. Sham pops up every now and again to make spiteful bitch faces and taunt Kyert for being disloyal. Shut up, Sham. Kyert says that she isn't going to divorce Fill and rip off half his businesses etc. Oh, go on Kyert. Take it all! Instead she just wants to keep the nail bar. Sham says that Kyert can keep the bar but then Kyert and Fill are finished for evah. Shut up, Sham. Again.

Drippy gets a low cut, dark red top to wear to celebrate working the night shift at the Vic. Billy is dubious. Jesus Billy, just put her in a burkah and be done with it. At the Vic, Drippy is alone in the bar when Jim and all the other old geezers come in after the funeral of Jim's dead ex-bird. Jim tells off-colour anecdotes until some other old bloke challenges him to a fight or something. Oh, give me strength. What is the point of this. Why? why? They are squaring up and Dot is squealing "leave it Jim, he isn't worth it!" while Drippy flinches and twitches in the background for about half an hour until she finally plucks up courage to ring the bell and shout at them to behave. Oh, how she is empowered! she spends the rest of the episode simpering to the max to make up for it. Rapist Bloke gives her a snazzy pen and then she lies to Billy and says she bought it herself.

Moon meets his annoying, bad acting, flame haired ex and tries to get her to talk sense about their non-divorce. The ex tries to lure him to Southend for a night of passion in the piles of crisp wrappers and vomit behind the dodgems or something. Nice. When Ex meets Slutty she relents and tells Fool the name of their solicitor. It turns out they have a decree nisi but not a decree absolute. I don't know what that means. The sweaty loser lawyer turns up and says he will help with the decree absolute but that Fool will have to lie to the registrar and say his dog ate it or something. Fool lies to the registrar. Why, Slutty shall be wed at Christmastide!

WHERE DID KYERT SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
I have absolutely no idea where Kyert stayed the night. They couldn’t have done it at Weird Family Central because Shazza and O-Den would have found out, surely, and nightclubs have to open even on Thursdays, unless the punters just stepped over them.

So anyway, we are denied a Shirtless Denman moment (boo!) and instead get Kyert, hair not even messed a tiny bit and make-up still intact, walking reluctantly back to Casa Mitchell. There’s more bullying and taunting from GBSham and Billy her new bitch. Then Denman invites her on a dirty weekend in their old haunt: Brighton – Sodom of the South. Kyert packs her bags, but then GBSham says that she’ll be leaving for good, then – though even Versatile Marcus could tell her that Kyert has the right to stay in Casa Mitchell, not Sham. Kyert knocks back Denman and decides to stay and fight GBSham first. Denman sulks and storms off like a teenage girl.

There appears to be some kind of wart-like growth on Fool’s chin. He gets rid of Slutty for the day, and gets ready for Maxwell and his Silver Snow Machine (What did I tell you about Beatles references? – Ed). I didn’t think anybody could be more irritating than Fool, but Maxwell makes Fool look like early Bond Sean Connery, honest. He’s also very whiny, stupid, and has the emotional blackmail skills of a mother-in-law (not my mother-in-law of course). And photo albums. Many many photo albums. Fool finally gets him to talk snow machines, and Maxie gets all disgusted that Fool could be so selfish yaddayaddayadda. Enter Slutty, who charms the socks off him with her rough diamond ways, so she gets her snow machine. Fool is happy, until he walks around the corner and…there’s Kim Deal in a ginger wig and a cockney accent, aka The First Mrs Moon! She ain’t a Nolan (boo!), and she keeps smirking brassily. I hate her already. Then she tells Fool that his over-elaborate marriage plans are shot to hell because her mother lied and they are still married. OK, I like her again: she might save us from another Christmas wedding ordeal.

Sullen - still scratching - buys a garish nylon Pucci-style dress that does nothing for her shoulders and makes her look like a drag queen. AGarry gets an evening pass from tired Simpleton, and has a fish supper down at the arches with Sullen. Sullen gets all sad about AGarry burbling about the Simplet.

TriniDad and Yolande have frittered all their cash away on big yellow sofas and giant porcelain leopards. Oh boo hoo. Bring back Bad Brutha.

Graham the creepy punter ups the ante with Drippy, buying her a rose from those people who sell roses out of buckets, and patronising her about her crossword expertise. Billy is suspicious because men don’t buy women flowers unless they want to rape them in EE world. Run Drippy run!!

KYERT JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HERSELF
Life is just one long round of taunting for poor old Kyert at the moment. Ever since Fill got nicked and MiniFill went to live with Squeaky, the only people not taunting Kyert mercilessly are the Wattses, in particular Denman. Despite having a nail bar to run, Kyert spends the day wandering around various Mitchell haunts, running into taunting Mitchells, being so depressed that she doesn’t laugh at Lady Copper Marsden’s godawful peroxide job. Only Denman, still tousled, seems to feel her pain – which is useful because Kyert has begun to suspect that Fill was fitted up. Well duh…Mrs Ex-Copper.

Denman and O-Den dig up conclusive proof that Fill was actually the Evil Mastermind behind the job (a bit of paper with “Things I Need To Steal The Christmas Wages From That Factory – Stripey Jumper, Bag with Swag written on it, Big Mask, Beret, Cosh, Black Leather Jacket, Mobile phone with Italian Job ring tone” written on it in Fill’s handwriting). Denman adopts a really good "sensitive" voice when he gives her the note, but you can see his eyes are full of evil.

After all the trouble Denman went to, Kyert burns the note as a symbol of letting go of Fill for once and for all. Her new dream, she says, is to turn Kyerts Klassy Nails-Like into the biggest nail bar in the East End, and buy up all Fill’s businesses and turn the Vic into a big nail bar staffed by women-done-wrong. But first, she says, she’s going to shag Denman. Which she does on the nightclub floor, by the look of it. Ew…sticky.

Denman always does a passive/aggressive, "Don't do this" line before being leapt upon by Kyert/Shazza/whoever...

Meanwhile, Sham is back in black and gives Billy the snooker hall manager’s job after she discovers that he did a particularly good job of taunting Kyert about her not being ugly enough to be a proper Mitchell or something like that. Drippy is happy.

Fool’s wedding preparations continue. Ethel 2.0’s MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY seems to have cleared up nicely, and her hair has grown back so well, she’s not even bothering with a big plaster any more. Come on scriptwriters, even Steph in Neighbours wears a headscarf and looks a bit rough after chemotherapy.

To prove that she’s got her marbles back, Ethel reminds Fool that he’s got an equally stupidly-named cousin called Maxwell who apparently works in the film industry as a Best Boy or whatever. Maxwell might have some fake snow for Fool’s white wedding day – or he might have a silver hammer to beat up Byrite with (That’s enough obscure Beatles refs – Ed). But oh no, what non-comedy nonsense is this? Ethel can’t remember what she wrote Maxwell’s phone number under in her address book.

I’m bored with this plot now. Let’s talk about AGarry and his Hairy Harem.

AGarry gets some nit shampoo and decants it into posh bottles that he presents to Simpleton and Sullen as special presents. Sullen works it out immediately, but she thinks it’s sweet that AGarry would go to such trouble to deceive her and ups the winking rate (brrrr…). Simpleton comes into the pub, scratching, and Sullen gets upset. AGarry is sad.

Yolande seems to be wearing a fur-trimmed sofa cover. She and TriniDad talk about their money again.

Dadvis continues stalking poor Shirley. Adull strops and sulks around all day, and then has a go at Ash about seeing Shirley behind Dadvis’s back – he really is Dadvis’s bitch isn’t he. They start fighting and Dadvis has to break it up. Ash glowers so much it looks like his eyebrows have taken over his entire face.

Poline’s got a surprise surprise reunion planned for Gay Pike on Monday. Dot doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

SHAM'S BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN WITH THE BLUE MOON IN HER EYE

In the absence of any Gratuitous Shirt Removal action from Denman, we have to make do with Ash's bare chest as he tells Shirley that no, he's got to get up because there's lots of marking to do. Shirley nags him about telling Dadvis about their July-November love, but Ash gives her that cross-eyed look and runs off. Dadvis is mean to Adull again, and Adull tries to get back into Dadvis's good books by unearthing a discount coupon for a Christmas dinner cruise up the Thames. Dadvis's little eyes light up (he really does look like my grandad when he does that - but my grandad was a nice man, not a crazed Elvis-impersonating stalker) and he goes off to stalk Shirley some more. Shirley tries to say no nicely, but Dadvis accuses her of playing hard to get, the saucy little minx. Shirley runs off and moans to Ash about her stalking Hell - "it's like he's The Terminator or something!"

Gangster Barbie Sham swings into action first thing. She goes around to all Fill's "businesses" demanding "the books", flustering all and sundry, sniping at Kyert and telling AGarry off for being a workshy waster. Denman flaps uselessly, and O-Den visits Sham with his contract for buying the Vic. The Snooker Hall (have we ever seen its interior before?) is full of Fill-a-likes who leer at Sham's blonde femaleness Sham is sad and confused and frightened that she might have to shave all her hair off and put a ton of weight on in order to intimidate her workers like Fill did. Enter Araminta, her bald fairy godmother. Araminta says that Fill has asked him to be Sham's bitch while Fill's in prison, and gives her a little pep talk about not being Fill, but doing things Sham's way, but can they keep the strap-on (no, not really). Sham changes out of the Little Lawyer Lady suit into a Nu-Age Bling Bling Gangsta white trouser suit a la Posh Spice about two years ago. Gangsta Sham then goes around all the "businesses" being nice to Laura and Rickay, but nasty to Snooker Hall Bald Man - who has been fiddling the books very badly indeed. GSham sacks Snooker Hall Man and then goes to tear up the contract to buy the Vic in O-Den's face. The final shot is GSham looking satisfied with her day's work. Ho hum. Oh yes, she tells Billy that he's too useless to work for her. Billy is sad.

Elsewhere. MMartin tries to show Moomin that he's all grown up now and invites her to lunch. He is a prat. She walks out. Next!

Poline meets up with a very tall middle-aged woman who claims to be Gay Pike's daughter but she looks far too old to me. Apparently Mrs Gay Pike is dead and Daughter of Gay Pike isn't that keen on meeting up with the man who broke her mother's heart yaddayadda. Poline appears to be drinking far too much Sunny Delight these days, but she eventually talks the Pikelette into meeting Gay Pike.

Cute kid-from-yesterday's lice prove to be superlicely athletic and leap about six feet from Nit Kid's head to AGarry's head. AGarry passes them on to Simpleton and Sullen - and from the way they're scratching we can surmise that AGarry does not like to yodel in the furry canyon.

Shirley nags Ash some more about Dadvis's stalking and asks why, why won't Ash tell him about their love. Ash confesses about the gambling habit, and Shirley forgives him. More shagging, and Ash disappears into the night again. But no, as they are saying goodbye, Adull sees them in his rear view mirror. Ruh roh!

WHO PUT THE SHAM IN SHAMALAMADINGDONG
It's time for Fill's bail hearing, and he wants to see Sham. Super Lawyer Marcus buys Sham a Little Lady Lawyer outfit and tells her to pretend to be a junior solicitor assigned to Fill's case. After all, nobody could possibly think that a pretty blonde with all her own teeth could be related to Mr Potato Head. Sham hotfoots it to the court, pausing only to growl at Denman and Shazza Girl Detective.

Shazza Girl Detective works out that Sham doesn't know that Lisa has run off with MiniFill and takes a break from moving house to go and give O-Den a hard time and question Kyert about Fill's Big Fit-up.

Denman's fringe is all curly and needs cutting. He offers support to Kyert in her hour of need - obviously it must be difficult to carry on having freakish incest sex with Shazza while O-Den's around. Kyert gets bothered by Billy and tells him to get lost.

Now, the Wattses are supposed to be moving into Fill's old house, but nobody seems to be doing much in the way of moving. Vickney has been packed off to Italy (wha...?); O-Den's busy nicking white label champers from the nightclub; Denman's sniffing around poor Kyert and Shazza's Girl Detective-ing all over the place. So, invisible magic pixies pack up Shazza's flat, and teleport the furniture over to Nueva Casa Watts just in time for Shazza to apologise to O-Den about doubting him and thinking he was involved in Fill's Big Fit Up.

Interlude: Drippy gets help with her crossword from the only person she ever serves in the pub without spilling anything ("The indefinite article, or first letter of the alphabet. One letter...oooh...that's hard innit?"). Fool makes a comment about Bloke fancying Drippy, and Drippy starts worrying about flaunting herself in her V-neck sweater and maybe she should start come to work in a giant sack with armholes cut in it so that nobody gets any funny ideas. Slutty tells her that slutty behaviour is part of the job, and not to worry about it.

Fool asks Ian to do the catering for the next Slater wedding. Ian refuses, but then changes his mind and gets Shazza to stump up for the booze. Yawn. Next.

TriniDad and Yolande spend their money making the B&B living room even more hideous than before, then dance about, lighting cigars with £50 notes and stuff.

edit: The electrics at the garage go kaput for unexplained reasons, and Gary Neville is cup-tied or something so he can't fix it. Rickay gives AGarry the day off, then tells Sullen and Simpleton, who now both expect a good servicing. OK, I'm stopping here while I can still hold on to the contents of my stomach.

Back to the Fill action. Fill tells Sham that he was fitted up by the Dens and Lisa probably had something to do with it too. Sham tells him that Kyert gave MiniFill to Lisa, and Fill officially hands over managership of the Evil Empire to Sham. Sham's all nervous and reluctant until she realises that the Little Lady Lawyer outfit could serve quite nicely as a Gangster Barbie suit if she got a decent pair of trousers and a few shirts. She struts back into the Square and swears hideous revenge all Wattses everywhere. Then she goes home and throws Kyert out for being disloyal to the Mitchell Cause.

Fill wastes his one phone call of the day by phoning up O-Den in his new house and hissing "Wattses stole our house and fitted us up....we hates them! We hates them forever! Grrrr!"