PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING
THIS POST CONTAINS REFERENCES TO IAN BEALE'S TESTICLES AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR THOSE OF A DELICATE CONSTITUTION.

Now let me see, which storyline shall we begin with? The distasteful, the murder non-mystery: or the dull as ditchwater teen drug death hell?

Let's get the Dolescums out of the way. Demi is still in orspital, so the other Dolescums busy themselves with social worker visits ( straight -talking lady with a lisp tells Keef that they don't go around stealing stray children any more), and Dasbo goes back to playing on DC Peter's Nintendo thingy. Angry Mum isn't angry any more, but Rosie's not too keen on her new hobby of hanging around Casa Dolescum, staring hungrily at Cute Baby Aleesha.

Moomin has an attractive young friend who needs a place to stay. Jim offers her Moomin's old room and there are many non-comedy hi-jinks revolving around Naomi's pulchitrudinous charms until Dot forces her to wear a winceyette nightie.

Naomi also happens to be in attendance at Beale's hospital appointment.

Speaking of which. Stop eating and take a deep breath before you read on.

Ian's dick doctor asks him for a sample, but he's not too keen. PJane has to force him into the bathroom with a copy of Catering World while she takes the devil brats to an open public place to tell them of her plans. Instead of breaking into chants of "one of us! One of us!", DC Lucy asks why does the world need more demon spawn and what is this weird thing that makes otherwise sensible women want Ian Beale's babies anyway? PJane realises that she has a point and changes her mind. Ian's balls can breathe again. And so can we.

That doesn't mean we miss out on Beale pain though. Oh no. During Denman's Pathetic Stag Night, he cops a punch from Tony Bennett. And that, apart from the non-comedy male stripper, is all you need to know about Denman's Stag night.

Meanwhile the Chickens of Doom are clucking at Shazza's Hen night (venue: the Slater living room - since when was she bezzie mates with the Slaters again?). Shazza and Denman report Oden missing, Sham gets twitchy, and LadyDen realises that the HE WAS A BASTARD act won't wash with the hunky Scots 'tec assigned to the case.

Under questioning, she suddenly remembers that ODen popped in on Sham just before he disappeared. McHunk visits Sham, who denies everything, then mumbles something about ODen taking a tube, or was it a cab, or maybe he flew away, borne on the backs of winged monkeys? Later Shazza drags her to the station to make a statement. Detective McHunk tells her that every single cabbie in London has an alibi for that night, and all winged monkeys were accounted for too. McHunk says he expected more professional lying from a Mitchell. Sham's reply is about as effective as tattooing GUILTY on her forehead. She runs into Ladyden on the way out. Ladyden: satisfied that her evil plans are working.

The hen party is in full swing. Big Mo moans about the lack of love action swinging her way and JoJo tries to hit the vodka when nobody is looking. Shazz thanks Sham and makes feeble conversation about Oden leaving his half of the pub. It so sucks to be Sham right now. Slutty glowers at Ladyden and Sham, and warns them to leave Teen out of it. Sham tries to warn Shazza that Ladyden is eeevil, but Shazza tells her that Ladyden is the best stepmother a girl could ever ask for even though ODen done her wrong big style, and that Sham's just making trouble. There's a fight. Ladyden tells Sham she's on her own. Denman glowers prettily. None of it makes the slightest bit of sense to any sane human being watching.

Oh, and Fool returns just as Ian cops a punch from Tony Bennett. He has made a decision (A nation cries: "Hurrah!"). He's going to dump both Slaters (A nation sings: "Yay! Psycho Slutty! Qu'est-ce que c'est!"). Then Drippy practically dribbles on him in public, and starts gushing on about their future together with Cute Baby Freddie (who isn't on solids yet...hmmm). And he gives a stick of rock with "I Love You" written through it to Slutty, who takes it as a Freudian slip. So he stands them both up or something, and tells Ian that can't make up his mind (A nation groans) .

Oh, and the old girls go to a salsa night, where Poline evades the octopus charms of Catford Carlos once again, and saves a rather helpless-looking widower from Big Mo, who is up for it with anyone.

In fair Walford where we set our scene, two noble families something something and star crossed lovers blah blah blah. Anywayyyyy. The runaways mope around their picturesque squat and moan about being hungry, cold, dirty, poor, stupid etc etc. All around them, people are dealing drugs and hookering with older gents. The horror the horror. They spend their last money on baby formula and Lear knocks it all onto the floor, the great div. Lear and Demi are sad. A friend of Lear who has a great big square head and is trying not to act posh, lends Lear some DRUGS that he can sell on commission – um, I don’t think the drug trade really works like that. Maybe if Lear was trying to sell double glazing or something? Demi is all “No, drugs are wrong! Just say no! white lines, don’t do it! etc” but Lear is tempted.

Meanwhile, The Dolescums all mope around. Mickney and Dasbo roam the streets of London with fliers and Rosa sits around in her dressing gown and flinches whenever the phone rings. Poline goes round to cheer her up and just makes her feel like a lazy slattern (“What? There are no clean tea towels? Tsk, I’ll go round the laundrette” etc). I suppose that’s one way of taking her mind off things. Demi rings Poline and arranges to meet her to give her the baby back but then runs off when Poline tries to get her to come home too. The Dolescums are pleased to see the baybay but realise that Demi must be in a bad state if she has given the baby up. They decide to go and talk to angry Mum and Dad.

In other news, Denman is trying to find out where O-Den is from LadyDen and Sham. Amanda Exposition lawyer lady shows up and twitches nervously so LadyDen agrees to sell the Vic pronto. Denman says he has phoned the police and reported O-Den as a missing person. Ruh and indeed roh.

Minty skives off work so he can get it on with Ms Hammer Time. Agarry is jealous. Ms Hammer Time gets a text from a mystery lady and lies and says she has to go to work. Later on she dumps him. Minty tells AG that he dumped her as he was neglecting his boyfriend too much. AG tactfully pretends not to notice that Minty keeps bursting into tears for no reason.

Panto Jane and Ian are not talking after babygate. They have the aikido demonstration and Jane whips Ian’s ass. Ha ha. PantoJane talks to Moomin and Poline and Poline starts rabbiting on about how when she were a lass before they invented feminism it was considered unladylike to use reason and logic when talking to men and you had to use feminine wiles instead. Moomin and Jane roll their eyes and look testy. Get you, Gloria Moominsteinem. Ian hears his devil brats moaning that Jane is going to be dumped soon and it is a good thing that they didn’t get to know her properly. Ian is shocked and appalled and says that he was horrid to Simpleton back when there were different scriptwriters on the show and that he is a sympathetic/comic character now who wouldn’t do anything so dastardly. He talks to Jane and admits he was unreasonable and says that he will see if he can get his tubes untied or whatever. At some point in all this he makes a reference to “calling the shots”!! Shout out???

Demi and Lear fantasise about moving to Sarfend. Wow, things must be bad. In the end Lear decides to go and sell his crank (as in the drugs, you pervert) and goes to a different picturesque squat, narrowly missing Mickney and Dasbo, who are poncing around outside. Oh the cheap irony, etc. In the new squat, some junk addled ruffians nick all the drugs and throw Lear roughly to the ground. Lear, you are the worst drug dealer ever. Back at Squat no. 1, Demi is waiting nervously. Mr Square Head comes back and puts moves on Demi, even though she hasn’t washed or brushed her teeth for a week and he is not bad looking, despite his cubical skull. She rebuffs him and he says “Ha ha, Lear will put you on the game soon anyway.” Demi is sad and also bored after waiting 20 mins for Lear, so she decides to chase the dragon, as you do. Mmm, drugs, etc. She falls into a swoon.

At Maison Angry, Mr Angry starts ranting on about how Lear ruined his life making him pay for exorbitant hire purchase xmas presents from Grattan catalogue. Damn you, Grattan Catalogue! Damn you to Hell! (What? The? Fuck? The writers must have gone for drinks at lunchtime the day they came up with that). What’s more, Christmas comes round every year!! Damn you, Christian festivals, too! Therefore he will not be helping them find Lear. Mrs Angry sneaks after the Dolescums and says that Lear has run away before to a particular squat and is mixed up in teh Drugs etc. The Dolescums follow her.

Lear recovers from his beating and sits on Losers Bench (South London Division), eating chips from the rubbish bin and feeling sad. He finds one of Mickney’s lame flyers and decides that their families do love them after all and that they can go home. He skips back to the squat and finds Demi all nodded out on Drugs. He thinks she is dead and sticks a dirty great syringe full of drugs in his arm to OD, even though she is like, moving and twitching and breathing etc. What do they teach kids in school these days, it’s all that fancy media studies etc not “What’s the difference between being DEAD or NOT”. She wakes up a nano second before he passes out and starts screaming and carrying on. The various parents all bundle in and call the ambulance etc.

At the hospital, Demi is alright but Lear is in a bad way and has to be attached to many machines that go ping. Mrs Angry dumps Mr Angry and tells him that she is going to take Lear away to a lovely seaside town so they can live happily ever after away from Mr Angry and his, um, anger. That’s Lear fucked then – as soon as she says that he flatlines. A doctor who thinks he is in the First World War (“jolly good show everybody” “Only 14 years old, what a dashed shame” etc) comes out and tells them he is dead (Mrs Angry: “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!”). The Dolescums go and tell Demi and she turns to face the camera as a single, perfectly formed tear rolls down her cheek.

GET DEN TO THE CHURCH ON TIME
The nice BBC lady said that it's ultimatum time for Shazza and Denman. Again.

And then I went on holiday to a place without broadband. Sorry it's late.

Shazza is still in a Freudian brainstorm and goes into orange detective mode. She quizzes Ladyden about a postcard from Spain. Ladyden twitches and says it's from one of ODen's loser mates, though ODen didn't have that many friends because HE WAS BASTARD. Denman pouts when he finds out from Ladyden that Shazz still wants ODen there, even though ODen WAS A BASTARD. He throws a strop at MMartin's birthday party, and throws the dolly mixtures at Betty or something. He says that he won't marry Shazz if ODen is there. Shazz talks him round. Oh for...

Dasbo leaves a message for Demi on her moby, but finds out that she didn't take it with her. The Dolescums report her missing, and Dasbo gets grilled by a nice copper, who notices his guilty expression. Dasbo says Demi is in South London and Rosie starts screaming. Actually she spends a lot of this week either screaming or looking tired. Mickney offers to go and look for Demi (starting where, exactly ? work west from Woolwich?).

Moomin has planned a posh restaurant but that goes out of the window in favour of Poline's bash: Dot's sausage rolls and a small glass of sweet sherry around the Fowler fruit bowl with the Beale Devil Children sulking upstairs. Dot looks in on them playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and offers advice to DC Lucy: "Accelerate into the corner, bitch! No, don't worry about the skanky ho, she's armed anyway! Oh, give it here!" Apparently, beating an eleven-year-old on a computer game gives Dot renewed confidence to try her driving test. Only she has road rage on Test Day and gets out of the car to handbag a white van man wot cut her up on the Mile End Road.

Pjane wants Beale's baby. Instead of sprinkling her with holy water and dotting the caff with crucifixes and garlic, Moomin thinks it's a good idea. The baby hunger gets extreme as the week drags on, and PJane starts marking the caff calendar with her ovulation days while also leaving the Daily Mail Family Healthcare Guide open at V for Vasectomies: God's punishments for. Finally she broaches the subject with Ian, and it doesn't go as planned.

PJ: So, what would you say if I was pregnant?

Bealemeister: What? Impossible! Leave my home and never darken my doorstep again, you Jezebel harlot! Not another spawn of a whore's unholy lusts, weren't Bobby and DC Steven enough, oh Lord?

PJ works out that he's not exactly keen. This causes trouble in the House of Beale, devil children start glowering and PJ finds herself irresistably drawn to the open oven... I'd care if I could, honestly.

Poline and Rosie Klebb wander the mean streets of Thamesmead in search of Demi. Meanwhile Nice Copper thinks that an Emotional Appeal To the Press might work. Only he doesn't know the Dolescums very well, and it all goes horribly wrong when Keef drops Lear's drug dealing past into the conversation with the weasely journo. Journo smirks and writes a: "MISSING DOLESCUM'S DRUG HELL" story that prompts Poline to tell Rosie that everybody's made mistakes in the past. Well, the Dolescums have stopped short of murdering their best friends and hanging with Nick Cotton, I suppose, but there's still time. Lear's mother gets all shouty about the implication that the Dolescums are somehow better than Lear's lot. Demi decides to call home in the middle of all this, and gets shouted at. Phone goes down. She crawls back to the squat and tells Lear that everybody hates them.

Sham discovers that Shazza is off to Spain to look for ODen and panics about what might happen when she has questioned every ageing Lothario and leather-skinned doxy on the Costa Blanca and discovers that none of them have heard of ODen in ages. Ladyden throws a mini-wobbler involving a ring or something. Shazza says she won't go. Then Poline tells her that she has to achieve closure. Or flaunt her crypto-incest happiness in front of ODen and tell him there's nothing he can do about it.

PS: Minty gets it on with Lady Mechanic and AGarry is heartbroken but he can't work out why. He tries to tempt Minty with a Wet Ham season ticket and a very short DVD of the Hammers' European triumphs - or maybe it was a CD of Malcolm Allison reading his favourite Bible verses - which would be longer, readers? Anyway, Lady Mechanic turns out to be a sadly delusional Iron Lady Mechanic. I cannot be the only person who thought of David Mellor with a shiver when she appeared at the door in the WH away strip...

SHE WAS A TEENAGE RUNAWAY
Last week was such a snoozefest that I have no interest in recapping it whatsoever. The end.

Only joking. Let’s see… Sham gets promoted from chip van operative to chip shop operative and is excessively pleased. Her and Billy talk about being losers, about being Mitchells and about being loser Mitchells. Sham says she has changed a lot since she was a kid – she even changed bodies completely at one point. They moan about their crappy jobs – well what do you expect if you won’t look for work further than ONE STREET FROM YOUR HOUSE? Sham is worried about what the family will say when they find out she has lost everything. She seems to be on the verge of confessing re O-Den but then doesn’t.

LadyDen tries to clandestinely sell the Vic behind Shazza’s back and spends ages saying “he was a no-good dirty dog” whenever anyone mentions O-Den. As LadyDen is now an unlikeable, one-dimensional bitch it is probably for the best that she is leaving soon. What a waste of a good character.

PantoJane takes the devil children to Franz Ferdinand Aikido Academy and is mistaken for their mum (btw, I have never been to a martial arts class where adults and children practise on each other – normally you start off with someone a similar height/weight to yourself). She is all “bu bu bu but…” but DC Stephen is all “Don’t worry, you’re as good as a mum – as good as all the other fifteen mums I’ve had, anyway.” After weeks of being told that she is a good mum to the hellspawn, PantoJane tells Moomin that she is prepared to open her uterus to Ian’s demon seed and breed with him. I foresee many episodes revolving around Ian’s nads. Why do you hate me, EE?

Dot passes her theory test and Pat arranges for her to take her driving test early in a cancellation slot.

Minty and AGary’s gay idyll is interrupted when a lady mechanic comes to deliver some parts and gives Minty the glad eye. She looks a bit like Jane Horrocks. AGary can’t believe that she fancies Minty over him and makes catty comments until Minty shouts at him. At one point AGary hints that she is a lesbian and actually says “Maybe she’s like us?” (but he means that she fancies girls, not that she is a BIG GAY like them). In the end he is supportive and Minty gets Lady Mechanic’s phone number. Perhaps they can have an open relationship.

Dasbo (brilliant name, btw) tells Demi that Angry Parents are going to ship Lear to Scotland where he will have to live on deep fried mars bars and pizza until he is fat and unattractive and Demi won’t fancy him any more (only joking, Scottish people). Demi and Lear don’t believe him at first but then they do after some perfunctory “conflict”. Lear turns an allotment shed into some kind of Love Shack so he can spend his last afternoon there with Demi and the baybay. He is not the best actor ever. In the end they decide that they cannot be parted and that they will go running away together, running away forever. Dasbo hears and is shocked and appalled – he says that they will have no money, nowhere to live and –gasp!- won’t be able to sign on. Demi says that they will get some kind of work and that they love each other and that’s what’s important. Lear can keep telling himself that when he is busy entertaining gents behinds Kings X station. I’m sure it will be a great comfort. Dasbo helps them run away and then Angry Mum comes to find Rosie Klebb and DS Keef in the Vic and tells them that their darling brats have gone. Wow, her hair is really flat.

Fool, Slutty and Drippy manage to fit about fifteen French farces worth of saucy shenanigans into about 40 minutes of plot. How I hate them all. All these problems could be avoided if Fool managed to learn the simple lesson that he cannot bilocate and do two different things at the same time. That is all it takes! It is not difficult to work out!!! Anyway, Slutty keeps trying to lure Fool into the bed with the promise of backrubs etc but OMG he has promised to go on a picnic with Drippy instead! What would any sane man prefer? Some hot sack action or a Gregg’s sausage roll and carton of Ribena? Fool lives up to his name, goes for the picnic and sends Ian round with an excuse to Slutty (who nearly runs downstairs naked and jumps his bones – phew, saved by the watershed!).

Ian sympathises with her and says it is hard trying to patch up a marriage. How the hell would you know, Beale? When things got rough with Simpleton, you chucked her out and threw all her belongings into a skip! Mel: pretended that your child was terminally ill! Sindy: can’t remember but it can’t have been good as she hired an assassin to kill you! Anyway, Ian sees Fool toying with Drippy’s hair and guesses what is going on. He goes into self righteousness overdrive and tells Fool to sort it out “for all our sakes”. Um Ian, haven’t you got a whore somewhere that you need to call the shots with? Also: Shut up! Fool makes sad faces. I make sad faces too.

Fool has another close call – this time Drippy throws herself at him in his house and then Slutty shows up downstairs looking for “action”. Quick! Dress up as a nun or hide behind the sofa or whatever the hell you are supposed to do in contrived sex farces. Fool makes sad faces and decides to go to Hastings with Ethel 2.0. Hmm, that is an unusual approach and rather devoid of saucy comedy, I have to say. (btw, now that Curly and Lee are off the scene it is surely safe for Backstreet to come back and stay with his family! Where’s Backstreet?)

Denman browbeats Shazza into having an instant marriage with no people around. Shazza agrees but Dot can tell that she is only pretending to agree for a quiet life. Dot and Jim do a pensioner pincer movement type routine to persuade them to have the kind of wedding that Shazza wants (i.e. where she will have the excuse to wear an ugly dress and do something even more frightful to her hair. This week she is back combing it!!) Denman asks Jim to be his best man (I think he should have got Pat to do it in drag). Shazza realises that she has no girly friends and mopes around with a copy of Bridezilla Monthly, trying to get random passers-by to help her pick out wedding dresses. Poline is in a passive-aggressive huff for some reason and says “Apparently I’m a meddling hag, so I’m not allowed to help you pick a wedding dress!” LadyDen just sits there making bitch faces and saying “God, your dad was a bastard.” Shazza moans to Ian that she is lonely etc and tells a contrived story about how O-Den once threw Angie’s engagement ring onto the roof of the Vic and then bought her another one. Shazza wants to climb onto the roof to look for it. I think unkind thoughts about structural reinforcement and scaffolding.

They have an engagement party at the Vic on Friday. In a misguided attempt to cheer up Shazza, Ian cuts out faces of all old cast members and sticks them onto balloons so that Shazza won’t feel so alone. That would be a great plan if her friends were similar to flimsy pieces of plastic (insert obvious joke about least favourite ex character). Ha ha ha. How pathetic – there’s a Vickney balloon! There’s a ‘Chelle balloon! If only they had taken this plot to the obvious conclusion and played ex castmate deathmatch novelty darts. There is no O-Den balloon and Shazza runs off to cry. Ian says he was only trying to help and reminisces about how O-Den could always cheer Shazza up, normally by taking her mind off things by knocking up her best mate or something. Shazza whinges on about her dad for hours and then announces to Denman that she is a Freudian basketcase and must have her dad to give her away at the wedding. Denman glowers prettily.