THERE'S A GUY WORKS DOWN THE CHIP SHOP SWEARS HE'S BACKSTREET
Jesus H Christ, Backstreet's return from Strictly Come Dancing (which always sounds like a twinkle-toed dominatrix's calling card to me) is heralded with a lameo plot device that lets him fuck over two of the Bealemeister's businesses at once. PantoJane has a crisis with CJDave, Backstreet tries to give her a written warning over the phone, and Ian slimes over to CJDave's room in the nursing home for a quick fondle while he's still unconscious. The best part of this was when Fool kept singing: "Mini Beale! Mini Beale". Edit: While in Saffrika, Ian appears to have picked out a bunch of new kids from the Midwich pods.

They've worked out how to film Slutty from the shoulders up. She overhears Fool calling her an alcoholic mess to Teen. Teen says that she's changed her mind since Denman went on holiday away, and now thinks that All Men Are Bastards and the best you can do is drink your way into a lifetime membership of the Smirnoff Society. Well, admit it Teen, you do pick 'em. Jaymee, DJ Ross, Denman, assorted punters from your weekend-as-a-ho. Slutty shouts at poor Fool (again), and goes to help Teen pick up her stuff from Weird Family Central. Then they dive into Shazza's cheap voddy stash and swim around for a bit, getting lairy etc. Teen runs around the bar at the Vic being a right little bitch to poor Billy, and shouting at Fool. Fool: sad. Yadda.

Kyert lets slip that Drippy has been calling her. Billy is cross - possibly because there is a child in this world called Frederick. Then he forgives Kyert. Kyert gets a text from Mo, and runs off to swap places with her in the plot cupboard.

Demi and Dumber do the "waters have broken" scam on Poline, forgetting that Poline might actually remember what waters look like when they have broken. Demi wants to spend her maternity grant on new trainers and not stupid prams(don't worry love - you can always spend the child benefit on gin). In more mini-spide lamery, they fail to steal a completely inappropriate buggy for a newborn from the local creche. Rosie Klebb catches them and imprisons Demi on the sofa. Dumber waits for her to wheedle her way out, but then some really common stage school boys come along with proper fags and lots of BBC Beer For the Socially Excluded. Demi catches up with them, but Dumber says she's too old and fat for Faginesque japery now, then runs off with his new friends. EDIT: Oh yes, Demi starts having contractions and we're supposed to think that her waters have broken for real. But there's nobody going: "ewwwwww....is that what I think it is?"

SALON-IC YOUTH
OK, I did tape EE yesterday and even watched it when I got in, but unfortunately I had just had a few drinks and fell asleep instantly. Doh. Then I was too busy at work to be able to recap it during the day. So, this is going to be a double recap but lets just say that Tuesday's ep will be slightly "foregrounded"...

Big Mo is back from her three month holiday in Brighton and has her hair up in a "chignon" style number. Hmmm. She runs into Demi and Dumber, who scam £20 off her by pretending that Demi is actually in proper labour and in urgent need of a cab. When Big M finds out she goes on the warpath but then says she respects their scam powers and wants to team up with them to create a Fagin style crime gang Axis of the Annoying. She gets them to pinch loads of baby stuff and says she will fence it for them - then promptly goes and sells it to Rosie Klebb. Oh alright, it was quite amusing. Big Mo then recruits the kids for her crime gang.

Billy gets his summons to be a witness in the trial of Evil Rapist Graham what Is Now In the Bill. AGarry gets his divorce papers through form Sullen. They decide to go on a dumped loser celebration evening. Billy nearly cops off with some blonde lady but then can't go through with it. It seems that Drippy has spoiled him for all of Womankind. Way to go, Drippy.

Teen gets the hint that she is dumped when she overhears LadyDen talking to Denman on the phone and agreeing to send him his passport. Denman is the worst boyfriend ever. She cries and moves into the Vic for some reason.

Slutty's Evil Twin is still spending all her time drunk and/or scowling. Fool tries to talk to Doktor Boden-Shirt about it but Dr b-S is actually the most professional doctor ever to work in the square and says he can't do anything unless she comes to the surgery. Personality Transplant Slutty is cross when she finds out and hides in the bathroom. Fool apologises form outside the door but she still gets dressed up and gets ready to go out on the lash again. Why did Jesse Wallace bother to come back for this complete nonsense? Fool sends Teen to talk sense into the Slutster. She finds her in the Angies Den where there is hen party (and also lots of blokes - why do I even expect this to make sense?). Slutty does an "I've been around the world a million times, and all you men are slime" routine and Teen starts talking about being dumped by Denman. They get home really late (and drunk) and Slutty says she will sleep in Teen's room. Fool smashes a glass. Grrr, take that, glass!

Martin is in hospital after Stabber-day Night Fever last week. Moomin looks after Poline while Poline rubs at blood spots in a Lady Macbeth stylee. Gay Pike is out of the plot cupboard. zzzz. Poline wants him to take care of Betty while she is in the states but he says he is too busy. Dot offers to look after the dog instead and then Betty and Jim have lots of non comedy shenanigans. Betty is still v cute though.

Quentin Tarantino shows up to tell Bad Brutha about this really cool Italian horror film where this dude is, like, totally eaten by zombies! Also to tell him that while Denman is away, BB is to sell lots of monkey-crack drugs in the club so BB smuggles the dealer (who has got a really square jaw) into the club (btw, Juley has got a really huge child's style watch). Shazza nearly catches the dealer dealing but Bb saves the day by chucking out the customer instead. Meanwhile, Yolande is on exposition duty and explains that they have sold the house and soon the Kwik-E-Mart will be all their's. Hosanna!

Kyert is advertising for a new lady to pat peoples hair and spray a bit of water on it. Ladyden marches into Sophisti-Lames and demands her share of the money back. Kyert is all "Why aye, you'll get your money reet back when I can afford to repay it." LadyDen decides that she will work in the salon after all and then spends the rest of the ep saying corny things like "You couldn't have my husband and you can't have my customers either!" Cheese-o-rama. All the "catfight catfight!!" vibes drive off Kyert's manicure customers, so Kyert sabotages LadyDen's work too by doing really mature things like fiddling with the water pressure and cancelling appointments. LadyDen says she will be back tomorrow. I remember when they had this exact same plot with Simpleton and Sullen in the caff. Those were the days...

GLEN MARTIN GLENN MOOMIN
No, really folks, this one was quite good. Not quite up there with the Dot/Ethel abortion two-hander; or down there with the Shazz/Denman/Den crypto act, but pretty damn good all the same.

So anyway, Moomin's pottering about, making tea for Glenn, who's touching up her bruises when Moomin's out of the room and making evil gurny faces while locking all the doors. Glenn turns to Moomin's marriage and tries to convince Moomin that MMartin married her out of guilt for making her pregnant with the Moominlet and killing her fiance. Actually, in Real World, those would be reasons to kill MMartin very very dead, or at least snub him in the street... At last, Moomin notices that something may be a bit amiss in Glenn's argument. Like logic, for example.

Besides, if she's so confident about MMartin, why is she locking all the doors?

Meanwhile, MMartin bounces off the walls and hammers on his cell door.
MMartin: Let me out! My wife's in deadly peril!
Voices off: Shurrup! hur hur hur!

Glenn's face gets madder and madder as she tells Moomin about her night of love with MMartin. Moomin's all: "LALALA! Can't hear you, mentalist harpy!".

The cell door opens and a cross policeman appears.
Cross policeman: We've decided to bail you because the mad axe murderer in Cell 15 says you're keeping him awake.

MMartin tries to get a cab, but all the drivers must be from south London, because nobody will go "Up East". He eventually gets back just as Moomin is throwing Glenn out (Betty the dog has sensibly made herself scarce). MMartin tells Moomin to get out of there. Moomin asks him if he slept with that mentalist, hair twirling harpy in the corner. What's happened to all the lights, by the way? Glen twirls her hair and goes on about how wonderful in bed MMartin is. Moomin probably knows she's lying by now. Glenn mentions a "spark" that was in MMartin's eyes the first time they met, and how that proves they were meant for each other. Moomin says: "No, that's Film love, not Soap Opera love. Film love's all about sparks and thunderbolts between beautiful people. Soap Opera love's all about infidelity, implausible stalker plotlines and hiding inconvenient pregnancies under duvets."

Meanwhile, Poline is bored with her bruised brain and decides to check up on the Moomins, in case they're having sex or something. She can't get through, so she sends Jim over to the house.

So anyway, there they are, still duking it out in the living room. Glenn gets madder and madder, rambling about dirty filthy men wanting to bang barmaids and looking for the one who would take her away from her temporary barmaid hell. It turns out that MMartin passed out without even touching her, which makes him The One, as far as Glenn is concerned. MMartin and Moomin suddenly realise that they are dealing with a proper real mentalist, and try to talk her down. Glenn lunges with her pocket knife and sticks MMartin in the side. MOOMIN POWERS DESTROY! and Moomin brains her with Poline's fruit bowl. Moomin and MMartin declare that their love will never die, and cover up MMartin's stab wound with a duvet - how did that get there. Jim calls an ambulance.

BLAND OF BROTHERS
Slutty pukes on the carpet and then goes to bed and cuddles up with a bottle of neat vodka. Fool sadly cleans up the vom and stares at a godzilla lamp for ages. Is this like performance art or something? Tracey gets a line but she is off camera when it happens. Grrr. Later Fool tries to talk to Slutty but she huddles under her pregnancy-away quilt and says she is too drunk to concentrate. Fool puts her wedding ring back on. Dear Fool, when making romantic gestures it is best if the other person is conscious. Just a thought. Teen pops round too and confiscates Slutty's vodka. Bitch.

Teen is sad that her mother is a drunk and her boyfriend is AWOL. She goes out for a drink with Mickney to cheer up, gets really drunk, dances around, falls over and makes a fool of herself. Also that shoulder-emphasising boob tube is a big mistake. Mickney carries her home (where she sobers up in a nanosecond) and she moans about being dumped. Mickney cheers her up and is quite sweet. After he has gone Teen leaves a rambling message on Denman's phone.

DJ Ross is in the pub when Adull storms in and smacks him in the face. Ha ha. Sadly they then spoilt this high point by having loads of boring conversation afterwards. The two bros and Martina convene in the Ferriera kitchen and argue. Martina slaps them both and leaves them to sort it out. DJ Ross moans that he is a spoilt brat and that nice things should only happen to him. God, shut up, DJ Ross! Adull says - well, nice things happen to me now too, so screw you dude. DJ Ross apologises for being such a brat and they all make up. Zzzz.

Dadfriend comes to the "club" to confront Shazza and "Stern mummy" LadyDen. LadyDen does her patented "folded arms plus hacky look" combo special move. Shazza is all "I am sick of the craziness, you sort it out while I go off and think about my hot brother". LadyDen is rude to Dadfriend and ignores him. Dadfriend points out that LadyDen could have made Vickney dump him ages ago if she had said "He seems like a sensible young man". He says that Vickney is home sick and wants to go home (i.e. I am sick of her, get her out of my house) and appears to win LadyDen over a bit (though I bet it is just LadyDen doing "wiles").

Mmartin is locked up in police cells. Glenn models her bruises for a police photographer and makes evil faces. The police quiz Mmartin - first of all he denies everything but then he says that yes, he might have shaged Glenn, he did go round and yes he did throw her at an ikea chest of drawers, but that shit is really flimsy and wouldn't leave much of a mark. Honest. The police return him to the cells and say they will be able to tell if Glenn self-inflicted her bruises. (dear police, try a hot flannel or spit on a hanky or something). Mmartin realises that Glenn has sprung a cunning trap so that Mmartin is locked away while she goes and moiders his entire family (including pet puppy). Glenn is released and stops limping as soon as she is out sight of the cops. Mmartin tries to phone Moomin but Glenn is there and cuts the phone cable with a folding knife. Yikes. Moomin is pottering around all ignorant while Glenn makes more evil faces. dun dun dunhhhhh!

GLENN-DECENT EXPOSURE

Sorry folks, I only caught the 10pm BBC3 repeat, and fell asleep halfway through it. So it's shoddy BBC crib/half-remembered memories time. Long term readers will recall that the last time I blogged in this state, I actually did think that I was hallucinating, and that nothing could be this poor. But I was wrong.

Poline's sitting up now, but she won't let anybody touch her hair. MMartin cryptically tells Poline that Glenn won't bother them again with her mentalist stalking nonsense. Poline looks cross and tells him to 'fess up to Moomin because that's what Arfur would/did do after he had that flingette with Michael Aspel's ex-missus.

Now pay attention, this bit's important. We cut to Glenn, sitting in her flat, twisting her hands and looking mad. But the only injury is the tiny tiny cut that she got from bumping into the IKEA drawer handle. Remember that now...

Considering Vickney hasn't thought to even say hello to Poline for the past six months, this caring grandaughter act is a bit rich. But anyway, she asks Dot to arrange cover for Poline at the launderette. LadyDen learns that Vickney's in the square and tries to persuade her to come home. Dadfriend arrives out of nowhere, and LadyDen can't resist having a pop. Exit Vickney under a bus!...look just write her out, will you? It's not like we care or anything.

Fool buys some new sheets for the bed, a new selection of vile shirts for himself and sticks candles everywhere, regardless of wax stains. At last Slutty arrives, and she's pissed. ummm...OK...look we know you just want to disguise the bump, scriptwriters, but couldn't you come up with something better, like a mystery bloating disease or an encounter with a puffer fish or something?

Denman: still on holiday missing. Teen thinks that loving a damaged person means you just have to keep on loving them. Darling, he's not damaged, he's weird. Get out while you still can, girl.

MMartin is peeved to discover that Moomin wants to work extra shifts just when he wants to confess his infidelity. Betty is nowhere to be seen. The doorbell rings, and it's the rozzers (where's DI Chadders? We want him back)! With a warrant for his arrest! For beating up women in shabby bedsits! What goes on?

More nonsense about the Martina/DJ Ross/Adull Triangle of (mis)Trust. Whatever.

Glenn tells a concerned police officer all about how MMartin flew into a wild rage and beat the living daylights out of her. The camera pans up to her bruised face. Looks like she managed to fit in a few rounds with the entire Paintbox of Hurtiness while we were all yawning over the Ferreira bits, and then some.

HE HIT ME AND IT FELT LIKE A KISS
Poline is unconscious and attached to machines that go "ping". Mmartin clutches her hand freudianly. Eventually she wakes up (it turns out that she has brain bruising - I'm sure that's not a proper medical term). Her first words to Martin are "How could you be so stupid!" Ha ha, go Poline! Mmartin tries to deny it all but Poline can read his mind or something. In the end he says it was all a crazy mistake and he lurves Moomin etc etc. Poline says Moomin deserves better but doesn't go as far as to grass him up. she mentions that someone was there when she fell over. Mmartin thinks it might have been crazy-ass homicidal killah Glenn and goes to sort it out.

Teen has slept on the sofa and is worried about Disappearing Denman. My Little Shazza and LadyDen are also worried. Shazza lurks around and sits on Loser's Bench spying on Teen. Wierdo. She finds out from Dot that Denman needed to sort out his pretty head and stops been worried. Teen cries. Shazza tries to comfort her and Teen is suspicious.

The Millers are annoying. Minty feels guilty for breaking the Walford Code of Silence. Dot pops up every now and again with biblical homilies that are supposed to make people start liking the Millers. Jesus Himself could appear and tell me to like them and I still wouldn't, so sorry Dot.

It is Adull's birthday. He opens his pressies and goes off to work, leaving Martina and DJ Ross alone in the Portakabin of Sexual Non-tension. Martina pulls mad faces like the rough aerobics bird in the Eric Prydze video and says she is going to grass up Ross to Adull. She gets Adull on his own but he starts prattling on about how happy he is so Martina can't bring herself to shatter his pathetic dreams (btw, they have a "I have something important to tell you", "No, me first" scene. Grrrr.)

Fool tries to phone Slutty. Eventually Slutty phones Backstreet and says she is coming back. Hurrah.

MMartin tracks Glenn down to her shabby bedsit and accuses her of trying to moider Poline. Glenn says "I would never do anything to hurt you, mighty one!" Mmartin tells her to leave him alone etc etc and then spots a photo of himself as a teen on her sideboard. He goes on a rampage and finds loads more photos and probably undies and personal garments too. Finally he notices that she is wearing Mark's chunky bad taste signet ring on a chain round her neck. He goes apeshit and she admits that she might have accidentally tried to moider Poline as Poline didn't understand their eternal mentalist love. Mmartin throws her head first at an ikea chest of drawers, causing a tiny cut to appear on her brow. Glenn says she understands that Mmartin has to slap her round every now and again, out of LOVE!!! Mmartin grabs the chain and throttles her a bit and then pulls the ring off and tells her to, can you guess? yes, to leave him alone. He leaves her in a crumply heap on the floor, pulls a manly face and stomps off. I'm sure that's an end to the matter. Oh yes.

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR STALKER BABY?(STANDING IN THE BEDROOM)
DJ Ross tries to pass off his desperate attempt to snog Martina as a "warm-up". Martina reminds him that she's a retired genital technician, not a warm-up act. DJ Ross says that he's not used to being a loser - takes a while for the penny to drop, doesn't it - and he doesn't understand why Martina is with Adull and not him. It's because Adull is easy to talk to or something. Ran out of care. Sorry.

Meanwhile, Glenn is telling Poline that MMartin really loves her, not Moomin, and all he has to do is destroy the Moomin in order to release himself from her Moomin spell. Poline's face is wonderful, and she kicks Glenn out, but only after Glenn has wandered sorrowfully into the MMoomins' bedroom and fingered Martin's wedding photo poignantly. Later she strops into the Vic and downs a brown liquid in one, and I don't think it's apple juice (actually, it probably was). Martin spends the evening hiding in the caff with Moomin.

Speaking of delusionoid females, Rosie Klebb begins her "I make GlennCloser look quite reasonable" campaign. The lynch mob is still moaning about Demi and Dumber. TriniDad and Jim want to clip them round the ear, but they're scared of Rosie. Minty hobbles off and makes a complaint to the police. Walford Nick must be quiet now that the square is being run by Byrite and his ninja kittens, because two coppers are dispatched immediately to the Dolescums'. Keef claims that his children were brung up proper, but then Rosie finds out and goes ballistic. Off to the pub she storms, yelling about standards and community while everybody just sits there thinking that she looks common.

Meanwhile, Denman's job this episode is to sit at the bar with his girly vodka, mumbling threats at passers-by. St Dot offers pearls of wisdom and a sweet sherry. Denman whines about having to choose between his red hot sister (in somebody's dreams, I suppose), and Teen. Yawn. Well, he can't be that bothered about Teen because he stood her up after she'd arranged a night's boxing for him.

Having slung Glenn's hook, Poline decides that the middle of the night is the perfect time to start cleaning the flourbombs off her door. The phone rings, there's a noise, then MMartin comes home to find Poline unconscious on the garden path. Duh duh daaaaaahhh...

GLENNTALIST
Denman sulks around and searches for Shazza who has apparently gone AWOL. Meanwhile Teen thinks about renting Raging Bull so she can watch it with Denman. Instead billy sells her some tickets for some boxing match thing. The poster in the videoshop window is for "4 Weddings and a Funeral" - WTF? Unless someone has recently released a directors cut with added posh twattery/Andie MacDowell wooden simpering. Colin Faux-rell meets up with Shazza and talks about going on holiday with her. They've only been going out 5 minutes! Denman shows up and tells Colin to leave. Colin says "no, actually you should leave." They resort to inept fisticuffs and Denman thwows Colin wuffly to the gwound. Colin says "you lot are mental" (oh we know colin, we know) and slinks off. Tearful Denman says "so you can't have kids, really?" and Shazza recounts her barren womb heartbreak for him. Teen interrupts before they get too boring and starts prattling on about the surprise she has got for Denman. Shazza makes a wierd face and hides behind a barbie-esque curtain of hair.

Demi and dumber go on another hi-la-rious crime spree. They spill coffee on Trini-Dad's stupid exercise book business plan thing, they lock Garry and Minty in the arches and then they flour Poline's front door after she throws them out of the laundrette. All the characters without interesting plotlines of their own meet in the Vic and discuss what is to be done with the youth of today.

Now we come the part of the blog that I like to call "It's the Ferriera's so who cares anyway?" Martina plays asinine jokes on Adull while DJ Ross mopes around like Kevin the Teenager. He is going out to some new club ("on the high street" = classy) and is worried he will no longer be able to pull without his wheels of steel cross fader terminator action. Martina does what she has doubtless done with many pathetic men as a genital technician and says nice things to make him feel better about himself. Ross gazes at her dreamily and then tries to snog her. Good move.

Glenn infiltrates her way into the Fowler household by helping Poline with the ironing and making perfect cups of tea. The evil witch! She also brings cups of tea to Mmartin while he is shirtless and she is just wearing a towel. Hussy! Martin looks put upon. He goes to the kops but they are a bit sarcastic when he describes his plight so he doesn't make a formal complaint. Meanwhile Glenn offers to take Betty for a walk

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!

Oh, that's OK - no betty boiling today. Martin gets Poline on her own -Poline says that Chelle has sent her tickets to go to America for a bit. Martin whines that Glenn is cramping his style and that the house will be too crowded when Gay Pike gets back (ok, hands up who noticed that he was away). He guilt trips Poline into telling Glenn to pack her bags and they both roll their eyes a lot. Poline goes home and finds Glenn evilly toying with some flowers. She says that Glenn out to move out and Glenn acts all confused. Poline explains that Mmartin says so and Glenn says "That's crazy talk! Martin loves me! He's my secret married lovah!" Poline's facial expression says not so much "ruh roh" as "sigh, here we go again..."

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THE CASE OF THE MISSING MOOMINTROLL
Shazza, Denman and LadyDen are all full of recriminations etc over Vickneygate. LadyDen keeps apologising while Shazza waves her 15 feet of shiny nylon hair around and acts all snitty. Shazza tells Denman that she just wanted a proper fam-er-lee and Denman growls that he gave up hot crypto lovin' to make the family work so don't start on me, bitch. He goes out to see Teen at the stall and notes that she is feeling poorly. He packs her off to sit down and watches the stall for her, later selling sexy underwear to a bunch of grannies.

Mickney and Juley want to increase their tacko jewellery sales and decide to lend jewellery to Walfords most stylish denizens for free publicity. After hours of listening to Juley's increasingly bizarre line readings (plus him calling Backstreet "Spenky") we end up seeing Ethel 2.0 and Teen swanning around with 15 tons of diamante pinned to various parts of their anatomy.

Backstreet wakes up hungover Fool at 2 pm and and tells him to drag his sorry arse out of bed. Fool tries to say that he has the flu but Backstreet says (inaccurately) that him and Ethel 2.0 aren't stupid and they know he was drunk and acting all crazy. Teen goes to the pub (because when you have flu you always seek out the smokiest environment..) and is perturbed that Fool isn't around. She finds out from Backstreet that Fool is acting weird and surmises that it is about Slutty/Byrite. She goes up to talk to Fool and Fool starts going on about how Slutty is so, um, slutty. Teen squeals and slaps him with her giant man hand. Oh, that's going to leave a mark. She tells him that Slutty is allowed to talk to blokes and that she is mad about Fool etc etc blah blah. (Actually this was a nice scene for Teen). Fool plays with his wedding ring in a Tolkien stylee and then says he is going to sort it out. Teen goes back to see Denman - he nearly proposes for some reason - and then they go to bed together (Denman is wearing pyjama bottoms and a nasty tank top like Frank Spencer - not sexy). Denman goes into the hall and runs into semi-nekkid Colin Faux-rell. Jealous-o-rama!

Dot has a cool umbrella with a duck head for the handle. Maybe the duck head will come to life and start giving her advice. That would rock.

Not a real duck head btw. That would be gross.

Byrite and Sham run around gibbering about their honeymoon. Just fuck off already. Somehow Byrite has worked out that Bad Brutha owes him lots of money after Sham-drugs-gate. eh? Run that by me again? Anyway, Bad Brutha has to get a job at Angies Den so he can sell drugs and pay back his mystery made-up debt to Byrite.

Martin is anxious because he can't reach Moomin and decides that Glenn has put her head in a hatbox like Gwynneth in Se7en or something. He gets Poline to watch the stall (Poline is still not trusting Betty to walk on her own, btw - Also how come Poline is only ever shot from the chest up. Have her legs been replaced by robot tentacles or something?) and runs across town to stalk, oops I mean check up on moomin. He can't find her at her friend's house (what are the chances that we ever see this so-called friend again???) and can't get in touch with her at the nurse thing place. He returns to Walford a broken man but then teak coloured Moomin shows up and shouts at him for being a loony stalker. They must have had very good sunlamps at this nurse placement. I'm just saying. Martin says he only did it because he wuvs her so much and moomin forgives him. She mentions that Glenn's agency has got her a job oop north (a catering agency? got her a job in a different city? what.ev.er.). Martin is pleased and they start doing it. They are interrupted mercifully when Poline gets home but then Glenn shows up too. She says her flat is flooded and she has nowhere else to go. Ruh and indeed roh.

SOME C-ANDY TALKING
Friday evenings: West Wing or Easties? Well, one's a sharply-written drama based on real life played out under exceptional circumstances; and one was quite good once, but then it disappeared up its own arse and got weird, to be honest. And Easties is repeated on Sundays.

So, there I was, with a pile of ironing, missing some major Seth/Summer action on The OC, and what did they serve up? Fool and Martin getting drunk and slobbery, Sham confronting Byrite about being an Evil Drugs Baron, and oh yeah, Vickney quit. So it wasn't all bad.

Leni Riefenstahl is still hanging on in there with Fool, though I'm sure any sane woman would have given up and gone a few yards down the road to pick up a proper Shoreditch twat by now. Their conversation goes a bit like this:

Fool: Fancy a dance, pretty lady?
Leni: Ooh I like 'em quick on their feet.Fancy a shag?
Fool: So anyway, I'm an enigma wrapped up inside a mystery, you know.
Leni: Shall we call a cab? Or do you live near here?
Fool: My foolishness is a mere mask that hides my existential pain. Can I try on your glasses?
Leni: Yes, I'm Up for It. Do I have to tattoo it on my forehead or something?
Fool: But what about the morning after?
Leni: How about now? In the ladies? They've got condoms in there haven't they?

Anyway, after half an hour of this Fool declines and wanders home to mope over Slutty's leopard print knickers or whatever. Hope Leni realises she had a lucky escape. They were probably inches away from a reprise of the Tony Booth/Jiffi episode or something.

Speaking of dodgy deals in toilets, Byrite is not pleased that Sham has discovered his Evil Drug Dealing ways. They shout. Sham wails some nonsense about knowing he was dodgy, but she thought he was different to her brothers. Well, slightly better-dressed perhaps...and with hair. Byrite throws his wedding ring down and flounces off to whine at Quentin, who mocks him for being done over by a blonde. Sham calls in on Minty waay after visiting hours. Minty offers his services as a getter-away-of short-spudheaded-folk to places of greater safety and/or Rio. Sham declines and says she's going to change Byrite and make him see that there is a better way to gain respect. Maybe Byrite has a psycho older brother who will suddenly bequeath him a snookerall/cafe empire. Or maybe he'll take up lap-dancing. I went to save my geraniums from an over-zealous weeder, so I didn't see if Byrite did the over-the-shoulder duplicitous look.

MMartin tries to help Backstreet in the pub while Fool takes a night off. Byrite drops in to mock, and MMartin breaks a pump or something. Backstreet moans about women in general, and says maybe he should find a Moomin. I don't know if the subtext is: find self a nice, intelligent girl with a bit of a personality with whom one can have a good time; or ditch the bimbos and go for the pudgy ones 'cos they're less likely to bomb off to Ibeefa and break your heart. Moving on...MMartin calls Sonia drunkenly, then sobers up when he hears Glenn Closer's voice in the background. Ruh roh! Is this the first case of bisexual couple stalking? I somehow doubt it...

Vickney quits. Well, she comes home long enough to pack a small suitcase with her Barbie Fashion Designer Kit and assorted tubes of hair dye, shout at everyone about how ODen's going to be really cross about her leaving home, and leave. Not even in a Taxi of Doom. Poor Vickney!

THE LAST TEMPTATION OF FOOL

This one was almost as boring as the three hour (subjective time)
Huntingdons Disease special that Sarah was stuck with a few weeks
back.

Let's see: Mmartin is nervous and anxious as his plot is pointlessly
dragged out without advancement for yet another episode.

After some pointless non-tension, Yolande and Trinidad get the
kwik-e-mart. There is also some nonsense where Trinidad walks round
with a cabbage placing bets. Bad Brutha buys a new suit with his
filthy drugs money and says it was gambling winnings. A greasy junky
gives BB some money for filthy drugs (I would have thought the drug
business worked COD, but what do I know) so Bad Brutha runs round
trying to find Candyman Byrite.

Jim puts all the junk in the Dole Scum front yard and then seems to
get them to dispose of it by threatening them with a call from the TV
Licensing Authority. Whatever.

Fool has another embarrassing meltdown in the Vic. He gets sick of
people telling him their troubles and shouts at the whole pub â?? then
again who can blame him after listening to Rainman drivelling on about
feeling like loser for hours. He puts Backstreet in charge and snits
off to Angies Den (is it a club? A bar? A place you go for afternoon
tea? Who can say?) so he can moan at Kareena instead. He gets drunk
and starts chatting up a rather Aryan looking blonde lady who is a) up
for it and b) not repulsed by his terrible self pitying dialogue.
Don't do it, Fool! Or do! I don't really care!

Denman runs girlishly back and forth in front of Dadfriend's flat so
he can help execute a sting operation where LadyDen and Vickney will
catch Dadfriend with his mystery girl. LadyDen distracts Vickney with
make-overs etc (including the dreadful line "I look like Whitney
dressed as Britney" â?? whoever wrote that should be wheeled out and
shot) until she gets the signal and then bundles her off in a cab to
Dadfriend's grotty flat. Surprise, surprise the girl turns out to be
his daughter. That wasn't totally predictable then as I had guessed
she was a sister.

Sham finds out that Minty is in orspital and in a remarkably
none-stupid move immediately assumes that Byrite did it. Byrite says
"but I was with you last night". FFS cretin, we all know you have
hordes of minionators (Quentin and the Minionators would be a good
name for a band, btw). Sham doesn't believe him. They go round to the
orspital where Minty has been given a good going over with the Red
Felt Tip Pen of Hurt. Sham goes into go go girl detective mode and
discovers that he could possibly have been beaten by people who wanted
to steal a swanky motor from the Arches. Byrite makes an ultimatum so
she has to forgive him, though she doesn't look too convinced. She
nips off somewhere and Byrite pokes Minty's injuries and tells him to
keep his mouth shut or else.

Later on Sham is at home when Bad Brutha comes round asking to speak
to Byrite about the drugs. Still impressing us with her non-stupidity,
Sham says he can discuss anything with her and that her and Byrite
have no secrets. They're soon about to have one less secret, that's
for sure.

STRAIGHTEN UP AND BYRITE
It's Byrite-o-mania tonight. There's Byrite, lurking at the kitchen door, listening to Sham and Minty swapping saucy anecdotes. There's Byrite, growling: "How dare you swap saucy anecdotes with my wife! Begone with you, baldy!" Minty decides to call in the Bald Alliance to foil Byrite's evil plans for the pub and the snookerall...umm...what were they again? Oh well, anyway, Bent Marcus turns up in the nick of time to get Sham to hand over control of Fill's businesses to Minty while she's away on that there cruise. I mean, what are they? Pensioners? What person under 60 in their right mind wants to go on a cruise for their honeymoon these days? Tsk. Byrite tries to make Bent Marcus an offer he can't refuse in quite a nice little scene for BM. BM reminds Byrite that he's already sold his soul to Fill, and inadvertently drops Minty in it. Byrite goes "Grrr!" and summons Quentin Tarantino, to discuss the effect of manga on the action movie genre, perhaps?

Mickney gets the Dolescums to tidy up a bit for Kareena's first family dinner. There's a non-comedy misunderstanding where Keef thinks Kareena's a Muslim (dressed like that???). Rosie K tells Kareena that their delicious tea comes from the dustbins of the local posh restaurant. Not even Dolescums stoop that low - who thought that was funny?

Meanwhile, they're celebrating Minty's new bossman job in the pub. Enter Byrite, who catches him telling a cackling Sham yet another fruity story. I notice that Sham and Byrite are wearing matching brown suits. Is this a Byrite uniform or something? Byrite goes "grr" again when he finds out what Sham has done, and orders Quentin to release the Ninja Kittens of Destruction. Failing that, get a couple of gay henchpersons to rough Minty up a bit.

LadyDen decides to stake out Vickney's Dadfriend's house and catch him entertaining other teenage studes. She ropes in Denman, who appears to come along for the joy of sitting in a car for hours with a neurotic woman. They eat sandwiches and bond. LadyDen reckons that Shazza's got a new bloke, and Denman says he doesn't care, but then wrinkles his nose so that we all know that he's crying inside. Denman remembers his horrible childhood. LadyDen reveals that she's from Braintree, and that ODen made her feel beautiful. Denman points out that ODen was into teenagers too, but he'd still rip out Dadfriend's throat for even looking at Vickney...blah...blahblahblah... oooh look there's a young laydee swishing her high street skirt and embracing Dadfriend. Bingo! thinks LadyDen....

Byrite takes Sham out to dinner, and tells her that he doesn't want any of that feminism and independence nonsense; he wants to interfere in every part of her life. Sham simpers. Meanwhile, Minty lies, senseless on the garage floor, waiting to be found by AGarry. Wail, lady viewers of a certain age! Wail!

THE TREASURE OF SARAH MAD-RE
Backstreet wakes Fool up and berates him for his mentalist spazz-attack. For one hideous moment it looks like he is going to get into bed with him. Brrr. Fool spends the whole day apologising to all the people he dissed and trying to convince them (and Sham in particular) that he is still mentally competent. Teen pops up to say she has heard from Slutty.

Vickney and her wack hair shock Shazza and LadyDen by having Dadfriend spend the night under the Watts roof. LadyDen puts on a false smile and invites them round for lunch. She acts all friendly and tricks Dadfriend into admitting that Vickney is jailbait. Later on, Poline is taking Betty for a walk (Dear Poline, when you take a dog for a walk you are supposed to let the dog walk on its own and not just carry it while you walk around) when she runs into Vickney & Dadster. She marches round to moan at LadyDen and LadyDen admits she has a cunning plan. What could the spiral-permed minx be up to, eh?

Byrite tells Quentin that he can still get the money to buy the bookies chain by persuading Sham to sell the Vic. He tells Quent that Sham is like a faithful and obedient dog that just wants to please its master. Sham? dog? I ain't touching that one. He asks her and she says she'll think about it. Minty pops up and uses cunning reverse psychology ("Maybe you should sell the Vic if it is too hard for your tiny blonde brain to cope with it, etc") to stop her selling up. When Byrite finds out he makes a hacky face and glares at Minty.

Jim distracts Dole Scum Keef with a game of chess while Rainman stacks up all the shite they have dumped in the street in front of the Dole Scum Residence. When Keef finds out he puts it back in front of Dot and Jim's house together with loads of extra shite, out of spite. Why doesn't Byrite make himself useful and kneecap the lot of them. All the viewers would love him for it.

Juley and Mickney open their shit jewellery stall. Next!

Betty Boiler Glenn puts a note through MMartin's letterbox saying "Soon we will be together forevah, mwa ha ha! Love S xxx." Poline finds it but thinks it is from Moomin. Glenn turns into Anneke Rice FROM HELL and sets up a lame treasure hunt thing for Mmartin to follow clues all round Walford. Cue lots of scenes of Mmartin standing round clutching his head and saying things like "Where the eagle doth sleep is where the next clue I keep." So. Very. Poor. Amongst the clues, Mmartin finds a carved wooden box to keep creepy lurve tokens like severed fingers etc and a book ("Erotomania for Dummies"?) and a photo of Glenn simpering. The final clue takes him to Park of Contemplation where he finds Glenn. Glenn witters about how they are together forever now that Moomin has been packed off. She has set up a romantic picnic and bought him a ring and everything. Mmartin tells her that he hates her and never wants to see her face again. He smashes up the picnic and throws all the doilies and saucy nibbles into disarray while Glenn twitches and flinches comically. He stomps off and Glenn grabs her phone and cals Moomin; "Hey sonia! Your husband's a slagggg!" Actually the episode ends after she says hello....

BLUE MOON
Sorry cats and kittens, this is another shoddy BBC website crib. Feel free to fill in valuable/comic details in the comments box...

Rainman gets the Dole-scum family round to discuss their delinquent brood. They make the kids clear up the broken crockery - and pay for it I would hope but Dumi fakes a fainting fit to get out of it. Rosie Klebb threatens to sue Rainman. How about he has your brats arrested for breaking and entering and criminal damage instead, bitch?

MMartin is desperate to pack Moomin off on her Plot Contrivance For Beginners course. He tries to hide her phone so Glenn can't contact her while she is away but interfering old bat Poline finds it and returns it to Moomin. Moomin gets a txt from Glenn saying GOODBYE... 4EVAH!!!!. Glenn somehow gets into Mmartins house and says she will scweam and scweam until she's sick if he tries to manhandle her. She thinks that Mmartin got rid of Moomin so they could spend more time together and says she'll be back tomorrow with all ther worldly possessions (including her giant folding Shrine to the wonder that is Mmartin, etc).

Minty creates a diversion to stop Sham meeting up with Byrite until Marcus Bent Lawyer can intervene to prevent Byrite's dastardly asset stripping type schemes. He actually succeeds for once and Marcus shows up with papers so that sham gets half of Byrite's things but Byrite only gets half of Sham's own original things (i.e. excluding the Mighty Mitchell Empire). Byrite makes hacky faces when he realises he now has a half share in a load of white poly-cotton trouser suits. Sham is all "payday!" and looks forward to squandering Byrite's fortune.

Mental Midget Fool is cracking up with the stress of Slutty's absence. FFS she's only been gone three episodes. Bring back national service, etc. He hides his grief by acting zany. I wipe away a single, perfectly formed tear - so sad to have missed half an hour of Shane Ritchie's sad clown/ crying on the inside/ "comedy" stylings. He won't talk to Backstreet or Teen about where Slutty is (oh, like slutty wouldn't have told her family where she's going) and insults various underutilised cast members. Occasionally he runs upstairs and does mad things like "fondling Kat's lipstick" (EW!) and "smashing up her dressing table" (presumably covering all of Walford in a foot thick layer of make-up) etc etc. He tries to start a sing along but everyone just stares at him like he is mental and won't join in. He runs upstairs and weeps into a leopardskin scarf. Pathetic.