MUST BE THE SHAZZA BETWEEN US
Gus is still pondering the Charity Bucket of Doom under the kitchen sink when Juley appears wearing customised trainers and acting the prat with the evil Midwich twins, who have taken to playing football in the street with the common children while the Bealemeister languishes in hospital. MYGus gives his new CD player (present from Juley) to Female Midwich Twin, like she needs it. Her dad's probably bought her an iPod with all of S Club's greatest hits already on it, or whatever it is Young People listen to these days (Mind you, the next door tweenie's CD collection sounds like Pizzicato Five meets Hello Kitty, only in a bad way). For some completely unfathomable reason, he decides that TriniDad and Yolande are the only people who can offer him advice on how to get Juley to stop being a Lame-o Gangsta. TriniDad looks pretty gobsmacked too, to be honest.

Pathetic plot device dropped! Unconvincing Urchin decides to stay with his Bad Girl mother now that Mr Fenner has let her go (I so want her to be Darlene Cake). Yolande: sad.

Every time AGarry opens his mouth, you can see Sullen thinking "baby killer" and her lips disappear. AGarry organises the funeral, but Sullen just sulks in her bed and everybody tiptoes around her.

Denman strops around in a sweaty t-shirt, pouting aggressively at Shazza and telling Teen that he's a no good crawling King Snake who will only break her little heart in two. Teen is very teen about it, and says she's content with casual ex-type shagging in the absence of a proper relationship (I remember doing that at her age...ouch). Shazza does the lip thing and looks tragic. Will Young is playing on the jukebox.

Weirder and weirder. That old bloke that Moomin helped the other day gazes longingly at her across the bar. At least that's what it looks like. He was probably trying his best not to look at Slutty and Fool finding excuses to lick each other's face every two seconds. Ewww...get a room. Anyway, Moomin's Moomin-sense tells her to check up on him a little bit later. She gets MMartin to break into the flat and yes...he's dead. Old bloke, not MMartin. I was hoping that Old Bloke would be a pathetic wrinkly stalker and keep flashing at her in MacArfur Park, but never mind.

Bealemeister update. The caff is in chaos, and ODen has to get a muppet gang together to make tea for the community because the non-speaking agency bird can't do it. What is this urge the producers have to turn ODen into Captain Mainwaring meets the Krays? ODen also finds out that Kyert is visiting Ian in hospital and isn't happy. That Jane woman visits Ian, bearing a bacon roll. Ian takes one bite and cries: "Why this is the best bacon roll I've ever tasted! Why don't you run my cafe for 80p more than minimum wage?". Jane agrees and thus takes her first step to becoming the next ex-Mrs Beale. Has anybody told her what happens to Ian Beale's wives, poor doomed cow? Poline announces that she's going to move into Ian's and wipe his bottom for him when he comes out of hospital. That flat behind the chip shop probably has a leyline connecting it with Hades, or something: evil seems to gravitate towards it.

SILENCE OF THE LYNNS
Sullen is recovering in hospital - she looks even more smacked-arse-faced than usual and pretty much completely ignores A-Garry as he fusses around and tries to cheer her up. Charlie (who doesn't cry about "his precious gels" once, thank god) and Slutty come too. Slutty sees A-Garry collecting the birth/death certificates and comforts him. A-Garry thinks he is fated never to be a daddy. Sullen asks to see the baby's body and insists that she does it alone. A bit later on she suddenly shouts "Nooo! I've changed my mind! I want to take my baybay home! My baybayyyy! boo hoo hoo!" Doh, they were doing quite well up until then...

Meanwhile in another part of the hospital, Poline visits Ian. Lucky Ian. Jane shows up and initially irritates Poline but then wins her over with her moxie. Then Kyert shows up with the devil twins and one of them says "Is that lady your girlfriend." Wow, that foreshadowing was so subtle that I completely failed to notice it. Ian says no because he doesn''t want to anger the children and make them explode his head like in Scanners. Kyert turns off her phone mid ring - it appears that she is snubbing O-Den.

Shazza is looking after Bobby. Denman volunteers to stay and help and goes for a little Athena poster stylee baby holding. He says that him and Shazza should have kids but Shazza says no and that he has already chosen to see her as a sister not a lover. They have a super corny conversation which includes the line "There is no us!". Of course, Shazza doesn't mention her tragic barren womb heartbreak.

Gus discovers that Juley stole the change bucket. Gasp! Backstreet is out of hospital. Shame! Teen is still sad about Denman. Zzzzz!

Evil Baron Byrite sits and ponders what super evil havok he can wreak today. Tremble before the dread might of Byrite! He sacks Billy and while he is smarming around in front of Sham, Adull and Ash come by and ask Sham to help them sort out something legal to do with the car lot. Later on Byrite tries to trap Adull in his web of crime by getting him alone and offering him money for the business in exchange for use of the minicabs for crime type purposes later on. Billy grasses up the plot to Ash and he goes and makes Adull give the money back. It is all very pointless.

WOMB WITH A VIEW
This one pretty much carries on straight from yesterday - Moomin is still ministering to wounded people in the front room. Some people bring gifts and offerings - as though she is not sanctimonious enough already - and Doktor Boden-Shirt says that she did very well to diagnose a heart attack. Martin overhears and makes a hacky face - yes, it's a real bummer when your girlfriend saves someone's life. Moomin patches up a head lac (yes, I watch ER too!) on that old bloke from the vic and he says she is an angel blah blah blah. The next plot event is so predictable that even Martin guesses it - yes, Moomin is going to carry on nursing. In other news, Pike retrieves the charity collection bucket but then it goes missing - did old pub bloke take it?

Backstreet just has a broken ankle and a scratched face. He shouts at Fool for running away and leaving Backstreet to pick up the pieces. Btw, I caught a few minutes of Backstreet doing an ultra gay dance on that Pro-Celebrity Come Dancing programme the other day and I laughed so much that my boyfriend came in from the other room to see what was wrong with me.

Jane asks O-Den how Bealemeister is doing. He has broken some things too.

Sullen thinks that everything is OK but then collapses and makes strange noises. A-Garry drops a melodramatic cup of tomato soup on the floor. Hmm, I wonder what the spilt red fluid is supposed to represent. This symbolism is just too subtle for me. Sullen is whisked off by doctors and it later turns out that she has a ripped placenta or something. Ouch, that sounds painful. a-Garry has a brief moral dilemma and then signs a consent form for Sullen to have a caesarian.

O-Den's Irregular Army (male teen muppets + Minty and Billy, basically) meet in the Vic and mutter self righteously about how the carnival was a disgrace that would never meet stringent EU safety guidelines. Oh shut up the lot of you. Byrite inexplicably turns into a mob rule firebrand, buys them loads of champagne and whips up their righteous fury until they decide to run off and lynch the Market Inspector and the sinister carny who was in charge of the Death Dragon. Moomin tries to use her powers to make them think of love and puppies etc but in the end O-Den has to come along and sort it out. Byrite is cross that the lynching failed - his character just makes no sense these days.

Speaking of which - he goes to tell Slutty that Fool has dumped her but then Fool walks right through the door so he looks like an idiot. He orders a drink and Fool says "Bitter?" - wow, that was almost witty. Slutty drawes a picture of a cat's face in dust on the bar, presumably in case she forgets her name in a moment of stress. She drags Fool upstairs and tells him off for being a bad husband. Fool is sad. I am bored. He says the thought that anything bad might have happened to her made him love her again or something. In the end they patch things up and are all happy. Someone hands in Billy's jacket with the big wad of gangsta cash in the pocket and Fool keeps it - Byrite tries to make him give it back but Fool quickly runs away and donates it to Pike's charity fund. Everyone cheers Andy's generosity while he looks sour, then he goes outside and sees Fool and Slutty giggling and crooning on Loser's Bench like a pair of idiots. Grrr, his dastardly scheme was foiled again!

A-Garry finds out that Sullen not only lost her baby but also her entire womb. One of those would be unfortunate but both just seems careless. A-Garry and Charlie are sad and get to show off their mad crying skillz but they obviously don't trust Sullen enough so she has her reaction off camera...

EXIT THE DRAGON

This is just going to be short as I was out watching the football and didn't get home til late. Anyway, nothing much actually happens. The DeathDragon Doomatron has collapsed and all of Walford has been covered in rubble.

Sullen is in a bad way and is instantly whisked off to hospital. Dot and Poline are trapped in the portakabin but are uninjured - Dot immediately sparks up and Poline rolls her eyes. Ian is trapped in scaffolding and, due to dramatic irony, ends up being looked after Candy Floss girl from last episode (her name turns out to be Jane). Backstreet is all trapped and mangled up but unfortunately is still conscious and able to talk. Slutty looks after him and is a total doll but then Backstreet tells her that Fool has done a bunk.

Everyone who has a speaking part rallies round and is helpful while lots of extras cry and gurn. Doktor Boden-shirt spots Sonia moping around and tells her to use her nursing skillz. Sonia is uncertain but then - - - all together now: MOOMIN POWERS ACTIVATE!!!! She knuckles down and starts looking after people. LadyDen hears eldritch whimpering from behind a fence - yes, it is devil twin boy who has been thrown clear. Denman rips the fence down with his bare hands (grrrr!) to rescue him. He seems to be OK. Billy gives his jacket to some shocked little boy but then loses track of him - it turns out to have loads of Byrite Crime Money in the pockets. Byrite is cross and has a total lack of conkernee-knees-up spirit of the blitz type good attitude. This may be important later. Some random extra melodramatically smears blood on Loser's Bench in the most hilarious shot of the episode.

Fool hears about the disaster-rama in a caff and rushes home, just in time for Backstreet to be cut free and have one of those wheel clamp things screwed to his head. Slutty gives Fool hacky looks as he accompanies Backstreet in an ambulance. Bealemeister also gets the wheelclamp treatment and dramatically clasps Jane's hand. Dot and poline predictably bicker and then bond. It is sweet and well acted and all but I can't be arsed to summarise it all. I have to get up really early tomorrow! A hunky fireman cuts a hole in the portakabin and the laydeez emerge to cheering crowds, thus restoring Poline's faith in humanity or something. They are wrapped in bacofoil and left to chill out on their ownsomes. Poline sits on Losers Bench and wipes the blood off Arfurs's name plaque with her metal blanket.

That's about it - I feel very let down after all the hype. Also England were robbed! I have got France in the work sweepstake though so all is not lost! Allez les Bleus, etc!

HELTER SKELTER

By Mark, even though it says by Sarah at the bottom - that's just Blogger being weird.

First of all can I just say that this is the worst fairground ride evah. It's just a big straight slide with a cardboard dragon glued to the top. Borrr-ing. Anyway, throughout the show we are treated to shots of feet (doomed feet!) running up the stairs, shots of badly assembled scaffolding shifting ominously and hear the sound of the Dragon of Death siren going "weeeeee"! Oh, the tension, it?s undetectable!

First up, Teen is sulking in the Vic because Denman gave his stuffed toy to Shazza, both literally and figuratively. Shazza pretends that she can't notice the beams of crypto lust that Denman is shooting at
her and sends him after Teen. Denman acts like it is no big deal, but after Teen says that she wuvs Denman he admits that yes, he does think of Shazza all the time and no, he will never love Teen. Teen says that he's dumped then and Denman says "fine" and wanders
off. Teen is sad.

Feet! Scaffolding! "Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"

Kyert is still saddled with Bealemeisters kid. She is perturbed to discover that LadyDen nearly killed Diamonique with her bare hands and had to be restrained by a SWAT team and shot with a tranquilliser dart to calm her down etc. I predict a salon catfight?

Feet!

Ian is working on his Salmonella-wagon when a brassy lady in a pink smock accuses him of short changing her. He won't pay her back and she says he is a miser who counts his pennies at home every morning. Ian gets revenge in that mature Bealemeister way when he goes
to her candyfloss stall and pays entirely in pennies. She gives him a tiny portion of candyfloss in return and grins scarily, revealing about 50,000 giant teeth. Is this the new plucky lady who has come to steal Bealemeister's heart (aka Simpleton 2.0?). Ian gives the Midwich Cuckoo twins some cash to have a go on the Deathdealing Dragon of Doom.

Scaffolding!

Dot and Poline are still hayting each other in the cake stall. All their family members leave them to it. Moomin says that her resignation letter is on the mantelpiece and asks Poline to post it. Why can't you post it yourself, you lazy cow? I think Sonia has lost
her connection to the Moomin Dimension, which is why she is being so annoying these days. In the end Poline deliberately destroys a cream cake that Dot is especially proud of. They argue and Poline says that
vanity is one of the 7 deadly sins when it totally isn't. Didn't the Magnum marketing campaign teach you anything? They agree that their friendship is over for ever. Why, only a near death experience could make them appreciate how they really feel about each other!

"Weeeeeeee!!!"

Backstreet can't find any retina searing nylon shirts in the wardrobe so he deduces that Fool has gone. He hides it from Slutty and Ethel 2.0 and keeps trying to phone Fool to tell him he still has chance to come home and change his mind. Fool is too busy practising making sad faces in the mirror somewhere to answer his phone. Backstreet and Slutty look round the fair and poor Slutty has to pretend to be excessively amused by assorted fairground tat. Maybe someone needs to go up west a bit more often. She thinks Backstreet is sad about Kellay leaving. Byrite starts to get the hint that Fool has left and threatens to tell Slutty. Backstreet squeals that Byrite should just shut up and stop being so mean! Byrite says "Don't you take that
tone with me, Manchild!"

Feet! Scaffolding!

Sullen and A-Garry are being all lovey dovey and talking about their new baybay. Sullen confesses that she had a scan and that it is going to be a girl. A-Garry runs off to do something so that he won't be
smooshed by the Death Dragon, as the writers don't hate him and want to make him suffer like they do with Sullen. Sullen sits by Slutty and pretends not to be pissed off that they are writing her out soon. Slutty tells Backstreet that she knows he is worried about her and Fool but they will work it out through the Power of Love. Backstreet makes a face like he is trying to hold in a really big poo and then runs to the top of the slide (good move, thicko) to call Fool
again. While he is gone, Slutty nips off to fetch some comfy shoes for Sullen and Byrite follows her. Ruh roh.

"Weeeeee!!!"

At the top of the slide, The Midwich Cuckoo twins find Backstreet crying like a bitch. The girl goes down the slide and the boy twin uses his freakish space alien telekinesis to demolish the slide. Bad twin! How many times have I told you to only use your powers for
good? It falls over, apparently landing right on top of Sullen and the portakabin where dot and Poline are lurking. Nooooooo! Crashhhh! Etc.

AT LAST! THE ROLLERCOASTER OF DEATH
Now, looking at it, I wouldn't put Margaret Thatcher,on that cardboard box with three rollerskates attached to a skate ramp that appears to be crushing Barry's Bush in MacArfur Park.

Market Inspector rushes around with his clipboard. Ian gets Kyert to look after Bobby Simplet and the Midwich Twins again. I don't know, maybe he's trying to stimulate her maternal urges or something. She bumps into ODen, ditches the Midwich Twins and just about stops herself from chucking Bobby Simplet after them. Poor Bobby has to listen to ODen and Kyert simpering. I'm suprised he doesn't spit his dummy out and follow it up with his lunch.

Scholes has just been "a complete prat", according to Mr P.

RollerCoaster of Death is built by a man who can't even construct a decent rollie. They are in trouble. Lots of things go wrong and RollerCoaster Man looks dodgy.

Fool calls somebody about getting a job in another pub somewhere. Sham and Beale keep wittering on about how he's a fixture in the Square, he's made the pub his own etc etc. Slutty looks sad and fiddles with the bunting. Fool can't bring himself to tell Slutty that he's leaving. He's so feeble that even Backstreet tells him to get a bloody grip.

Byrite bullies Billy. Boo!

Dot and Poline are still smacking down over the cake stall. Gay Pike and Jim try to intervene, but things blow up again when Moomin announces that she's going to give up nursing when she comes back from her honeymoon. Is it in Florida? Is there any hope that Shell will knock some sense into her stupid Moomin head?

Kyert sees ODen kissing LadyDen and is sad. Look, LadyDen: wife. You: bit-on-side. Deal with it, love.

Teen has bought Denman an expensive (ie, not market stall) shirt to mark their sevenweekiversary. Shazza makes gagging noises (as do we all). Teen drags Denman around the fair and tries to get him to shoot a teddy bear to show his love for her. Denman tries not to go: "Nooooo! Guns bad! Denman kill!" Shazza gets herself and Teen out of range.

Rollercoaster of Death is finally ready, and Fool uses the hubbub to slip away, unnoticed. So, who else is due for the chop again? Altogether now...

JESUS WEPT
...a whole hour! OK, here's a two minute update. I'm going to miss out a lot and I probably didn't get every single nuance of Andy's gayness (actually I did, but it's just too tedious to watch him go so far back into the closet that he bumps into Aslan and a talking beaver).

So anyway, there's a big do at The Club and LadyDen overhears ODen inviting Secret Laydee to the do. Said do is something to do with Walford's centenary. Why celebrate a hundred years of the Fowlers, I don't know. The directors go mobile crayzee and show LadyDen catching lots of nubile young things giggling suggestively into their mobiles while she washes Diamonique's hair. Diamonique says she's going to the nightclub do and keeps talking about ODen a lot. ODen is super-nice as she gets ready for the party (with a background of rather pleasant tinkly dinner jazz that certainly isn't Jamie Bloody Cullum). Diamonique (aka Suspect No 1) turns up in something cheap and sparkly, calls ODen on her mobile. LadyDen goes mental. ODen drags her off Diamonique's shrieking carcass and explains that Diamonique is in fact another business associate's missus and not Den's Mistress. LadyDen is embarrassed and foiled! ODen makes her promise to mend her bunny boiling ways.

One of the mobile girlies is Kellay. The Ferreiraz give her and Kareena a Mexican sendoff. Kellay's mobile keeps ringing and she won't answer it. Kellay and Kareena leave in a cab ordered by Backstreet. Kelly declares her love for Backstreet as she drives off to a summer of teaching pimply spides and spidettes how to drink sangria from a spouty bottle.

Byrite finds out out that Fool was looking for him and for a second it looks like we might have quite a good two-hander on our...um...hands. But no. Fool sits on his moral high horse and we get lots of stuff about how Byrite's conkers were always bigger than Fool's, but Fool wins out in the end because he doesn't have to pay people to like him and he doesn't live at his girlfriend's mum's house. Byrite knocks Fool down with two really gay punches, and it's almost a cue for that awful Chumbawumba song about drinking to get put on the jukebox. But it doesn't. Anyway, Byrite wins by reminding Fool that every time he looks at Slutty he'll get an image of Byrite and her doing it on video and the internet. Fool looks troubled and decides to run far far away.

Meanwhile, Slutty confides to Sullen. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Moomin says she wants to give up her nursing course and "have some fun". With MMartin? Hang on a minute, isn't this girl supposed to be intelligent? I can't swear because my mum reads this blog, but what happened to thirty years of feminism? eh? eh?

ODen leaves LadyDen on her own, saying he's going to clean up at the club, but oh no, what's this? He's not at the club! He's ringing a doorbell! A Laydee's doorbell! That's no Laydee, that's Kyert!

NO NAKED JACUZZI
Today's title means nothing if you don't watch Big Brother. It has nothing to do with Enders either, but I just wanted to say it.

Yesterday evening was far too nice to sit around watching telly, so we played football instead. Here's the BBC-site crib thing.

Boy oh boy it looks like this year's Shane Richie Crying calendar will have a bonus shot of Shane Richie Crying And Being Comforted by Araminta (see left). 'Cos that's what happens. Ethel 2.0 finds Fool on the sofa, and tells him to sort his marriage out. They manage to get along for about ten seconds, then Andy slithers around Slutty, waving fivers in her face and putting bets on when Fool will chuck her out. Fool gets cross. Slutty demands a hug. Fool decides to storm over to Byrite's (still living with his girlfriend in her mum's house, the bigshot) and kill him. Araminta intervenes and holds Fool by the head at arm's length while Fool screams and flails his little fists about. Araminta warns Fool that Byrite will keel him good first if he tries anything. Fool cries. Like a girl.

Kareena still can't choose: drudging in Walford with her loser brothers or largin' it every night at Eden? Hmmm...difficult. Scalliq and the Boyz argue about the name of their new dodgy cab firm venture, and Scalliq hits on the genius idea of calling it "Kareena Kabs", because that'll make her stay won't it? Ian's cross because he just can't keep the staff long enough to sack 'em these days. Kyert gets another fostering job: this time it's part-time emergency carer for Bobby Simplet.

LadyDen finds a text message on ODen's mobile. Instead of checking the number she replies to the text with an invitation for dinner in the Restaurant for Dates. Bad move, Stalker Lady. I think her plan is something like: turn up at restaurant. Meet Mystery Lady and go "Aha!". Anyway it backfires. Den's text was from a beardy "business associate". LadyDen apologises.

Oh yes, and Slutty goes to LadyDen for a "new look" that looks just like the old look, only slightly flickier. LadyDen tells her that sometimes it's hard to be a woman etc.

Lame-o Backstreet doesn't fancy working in a bar in Ibiza all summer. Kellay wonders about leaving Backstreet behind, and promises to call every day.

Eastenders has been moved to Wednesday to accommodate Germany v Holland, by the way.

POLINE VS DOT: ULTIMATE SMACKDOWN
Walford is apparently in some sort of weird media blackspot where they can only get 2 TV channels - tonight everyone is either watching "the football" (though not in the Vic as it is the only pub in the world that doesn't have a big telly in it) or some b/w film about lions. At the Fowlers, Moomin impresses Pike with her Poline-wrangling technique and then goes to Jim'n'Dots to borrow some teabags. Jim and Moomin miss each other. Also she learns that Dot is still in a huff because she moved in with Poline. Moomin makes Poline go round to smooth things over but they just end up having an argument and accusing each other of being satanists or something. Dot says that Poline is a controlling bossyboots and Poline says that Dot is a sore loser. Miaow! Saucer of milk for the ladies in the dingy fake kitchen!

Scalliq tells the others about the Scall-cab concept. They makes faces like "it's so crazy it might just work!". Kareena, Kellay and Backstreet wait around to be interviewed. Kellay appears to have forgotten to put a skirt on. Kareena is wearing a boring suit but then goes home and changes into a risque off the shoulder number. The interviewer comes to see them and interviews in the Vic - that's insane! didn't they have a spare office set anywhere? Also he looks like that TV chef who makes pies out of dead badgers he has scraped up off the side of the M11 slipway (Hugh Thingerly-Whiterrington?) Anyway - the girls are offered jobs and Backstreet isn't. Because he is lame.

LadyDen has to "stock take" and so Den rushes off with Mystery Lady. LadyDen catches him out in a lie again later and makes more hacky faces. Time to move this plot along, methinks.

Slutty and Fool - just the same. Ethel 2.0 overhears Slutty suggesting they seek Counselling (aka "cancelling") and says that she reads a copy of Take A Break magazine when she is down. Thanks for that, Ethel 2.0. Fool goes off to "get some change" and ends up sitting in the caff making sad faces. Are they shooting the 2005 "shane ritchie looking sad and adorable" calendar already? Billy is also in there (I am always surprised to see him and think "Is Billy still in this" when he comes on). They discuss how sad and lonely their lives are. Billy talks about Drippy and how he wishes he had made more of an effort to accept the baybay etc etc and would therefore have better storylines. Fool talks about how couples can get over really bad things and goes home to Slutty and asks to see her upstairs. Slutty's little face lights up (dimly from beneath the many strata of make up) and she rushes up and puts on a brown viscose nighty to celebrate. She is lounging "seductively" on the bed when Fool comes up, starts to open the door and then chickens out and goes to sleep on the couch. Slutty starts to cry and Fool listens to her while a single, perfectly formed tear rolls down one cheek.

Hmm, that was quite well written but it was also quite dull. Bring on the Roller Coaster of Death! Sooner! Sooner!

KARMA KARMA KARMA KARMA OH NO IT'S ROBBIE
Yes, indeed it is. There, my friends, is Robbie Jackson, dressed for Glastonbury and fast asleep in the cafe. Apparently it's the done thing for hippies to have peroxide highlights in India. A short expository conversation with Kareena reveals that Robbie should go straight back to whatever he was doing on that ITV "run your own topless bar" reality show.

I have to confess, my VCR picked up an interference problem with the TV and started taping the Test Match just after Mr & Mrs Moomin 'fessed up that they were already married. So I've had to revert to the BBC site to fill in the gaps.

Mr & Mrs Moomin return to the Square to find everybody scuttling about with wedding cakes, flowers, bottles of champagne and you expect MMartin to burst into I'm Gettin' Married In The Mornin' and do a cockney braces dance with some passing urchins. But they don't. they 'fess to the family, and Chris Cairns starts his run up.

Poline stops off to sulk in McArfur Park. Dot worries about what to tell the vicar, but they sort it out eventually, but only after MMartin gets to tell Poline that she's a dreadful mother who drives all her children away. Poline has a face like a smacked kipper all day, and keeps stomping out to sulk on Loser's Bench when it all gets too much.

I missed the return of Billy Jackson?!? Does he still have all that mad hair?

Ferreiraz move into their two-bed flat. DJ Ross and Scalliq have to share the couch. Haven't we had enough crypto incest, for crying out loud? Scalliq decides to set up a new PatCabs, only calling it ScalliqCabs or something.

Kellay announces that she's tired of Walford, and she's going to become a club rep in Ibeefa. Well, she had been going out with Backstreet for oooh...at least two weeks. That's practically married by Kellay standards.

Denman menaces Juley into giving Vickney's lost gambling money back. Yeah, like she'll learn that way, mate.

Fool/Kat. They don't know what to do. Fool's on the sofa. Kat's got so much make-up on, she could peel it off and make a little Kat mask.

Moomin follows Poline out to the bench and promises to love, honour and obey her as well as MMartin. Nooo! Poline is satisfied with this, and returns to the pub, where she announces that Moomin and MMartin will be living with her from now on. Moomin looks like she could be on that plane back to Mumbai with Robbie.

MOOMIN VERSUS OEDIPUS
It is the day that Moomin and Martin are supposed to be going back to the square. When Jim goes to check up on them he can hear them yelling at each other. Martin accuses Moomin of bossing him around and Moomin shouts that Martin is obsessed with his ubertanned, muppet-behaired mother. Martin says that Moomin is bad for bossing him around and is just like Poline. Ruh. Roh. There is no way back from that one. Moomin is understandedly pissed off at being compared to Martin's evil hag mum.

QVC Lady (Diamonique? Zirconia? What shall we call her?) is still selling her shiny trinkets on the square. Teen says it is tacky. Zirconia says that Teen's market stall is tacky and rolls her eyes to prove that she has moxie.

Scalliq goes off to sell the Ferriera Mystery Machine Van. Kareena phones around for jobs and is offered The Job At the Caff For Character With Speaking Role that Pat and Simpleton used to hold. Adull rents a two bedroom flat for the entire family. Good move, fuckwit. Later on it turns out that Scalliq swapped the van for two shit cars (Kareena gets a good line when she says "Did you get some magic beans too?"). Scalliq says that they are going into the used car business or something. All the other Ferrieras walk off and abandon him.

Mo and Mickney - when they're cleaning winders they are more annoying than usual. Mo has the cunning plan of spreading lots of bird seed round the square so that pigeons come and shit on windows, thus giving them more work. Whatever.

Moomin is still pissed off at the Poline comparison so Martin plays the "all my relatives are dead or have fucked off" card to win forgiveness and cries into Moomin's cleavage. Moomin forgives him and they decide to get married right then.

MY Gus and Julie successfully pool hustle A-Garry and Vickney. How challenging. Julie is wearing a hat that could be described as "wack".

Slutty arranges with the other pub staff so that Fool and her can have the afternoon off together. She sits pensively in her bedroom and starts to put on more make up. No Slutty! Less make-up! Any more make-up will cause a rift in the space time continuum! Noooo! When Fool comes up Slutty is in full-on clown face mode. She gives him wine and starts macking on him but he pushes her away. Have they always had a stuffed stoat in their living room? I only just noticed it. Fool says "You think sex solves everything" and walks away. Slutty begins to cry. Aww, poor Slutty - you should have let Andy break his kneecaps off. Fool comes back in a bit and Slutty says she can't stand their wierd non-relationship. Fool says he will sleep on the couch from now on. Fuck you, Fool. I pity the Fool who is mean to Slutty.

Dot and Poline are still in uber-wedding planning mode. Slutty suggests they take some time out to look after themselves so they wipe guacamole over their faces and put cucumbers on their eyes and reminisce about the old days. The comedy vicar pops round and manages to stop himself from licking the delicious salad off their faces. They all giggle etc. I do not.

Jim finds Moomin freaking out because she can't find her mascara or whatever. Yes Moomin, that's why you are supposed have bridesmaids and maids of honour etc. Jim does some vulcan deathgrip thing to calm her down and Moomin starts wittering on about how she is the Bride of Dead Jaymee. Um, okay, you mentalist. They have the wedding. Moomin's dress is quite plain but v. sculptural as though it is made of cardboard or something. I can't decide if I like it or not. The editors go kraxy with their mad avid-editing-suite skillz and cut between the wedding and between Fool/Slutty's marriage falling apart. Also they cut to PolDot toasting sherry together - that's a bit disturbing. Maybe Poline and Dot are going to get married too!

SHIP OF FOOLS
It's the morning of MMartin and Moomin's phoney wedding. We have to endure more pervy MMartin talk and soppiness before Jim appears at the door. Moomin is cross and stamps her Moomin foot and refuses to listen to Jim's tales of Dolzilla woe. Apparently she's waited so long for this day, that she doesn't want to spoil it now. How long is "long"? Some of us had to wait a whole year, missy, and were glad of it.

Speaking of woe, Slutty tries to mend her slutty ways and turn into the Housewife From Hell to please Fool. Teen points out that he married her for her Sluttiness, not for her ironing skills, and that she should sort him out the way only Slutty can, failing to realise that Slutty's unique talents are what got her into this mess in the first place. Slutty ruins one of Fool's less dreadful shirts - a stripey brown number - in her cleaning frenzy. Fool acts like he couldn't care less. Slutty: sad.

Jim decides to strike at the weaker partner, and gets MMartin on his own. There's a kind-of parallel scene where Poline whinges about not being able to give her own son a good wedding to show him how much she loves him. She couldn't be bothered with the other two, obviously. MMartin looks tormented. Jim then moves on to Moomin, and tells her that he wants to make amends for his racist past, when he refused to give Carol away at her wedding to Alan (blimey, how long ago was that?),and give Moomin a good send-off. Result! Oh no, Moomin asks him to come to Southend register office. When she gets back to the room, however, MMartin says they have to go home because otherwise Dolzilla will make them pay. Moomin: slightly peeved and muttering about marrying MMartin not his mother. Mr P snorted at this point and mumbled something about marrying me, my parents and 8.5% of the population of South Africa.

Teen and Kellay are annoyed at a woman in a pink suit who seems to be replicating an entire QVC segment outside Poline's back gate. Maybe she's a Poxditch performance artist making a commentary on callow modern consumerism. Oh no, she really is flogging diamonique brooches. Classy.

The Ferreiraz decide to let go of the stall and get proper jobs. Yes, let's see the inside of Walford JobCentre for once. Adull realises that he should have stayed in school...no...sorry, I'm losing the will to live.

Perhaps the non-comedy sub-plot can revive us. Oh, maybe not. Mo (her face set in a "My brother's in Harry Potter you know" expression) and Mickney are setting up as naked window cleaners or something. Anyway, Mickney's scared of ladders and gets all upset when Mo leaves him clutching onto the top rung while she runs off to speak to QVC Woman. Touching The Void it ain't.

RUNAWAY SPIDE
By Mark
Not much going on in this one. Moomin and Martin are esconced in their faaancy Southend (Sodom of the etc) hotel – Martin says creepy things like "you shouldn’t have had a shower, I’m going to make you dirty again" (shudder). They can’t make up their minds whether they are glad to be free of Poldot interference or are happy that they are on their own. In the end they decide that they are happy happy happy. Also the chamber maid delivers their room service to them. What kind of crazy hotel is that?

Poline and Dot are not happy. They blame each other for driving the kids away and go into "Cagney and Lacey" mode to track them down. They interrogate Gus, Vickney (who is wearing ugly yellow plastic jewellery) and then track down Backstreet (who tries to avoid them by kneeling down behind the bar – who said he was thick? Eh? Oh…). They grill him mercilessly and start going on about how they will make Martin/Moomin suffer for messing them around. Backstreet won’t tell them but Jim reckons he knows and uses wiles etc to trick Backstreet (not very difficult, admittedly) into revealing that he they are in Southend.

Slutty’s loins are still untroubled by Fool’s attention. Now he won’t even hug her. Slutty is sad.

Kellay is getting sick of Teen skiving off to shag Denman all the time.

Mo is still putting moves on Adull. If he is Omar Sharif does that make her Julie Christie or Peter o Toole? The Ferrieras are all pleased that they can rebuy their old house but then see that Ian has put in an offer for it. Then their market stall stock is repossessed because they are behind on their payments. Ha ha ha!

There is a poster up for the Funfair/Carnival of Doom. Some bloke (market inspector?) moans that he can’t get people to do some odd jobs or something so Mo looks "thoughtful" (as usual, due to her subtle acting style these emotions could be spotted from space) and goes to recruit Mickney to help.

Pat turns into Mrs Alving (from literature) and says that all she can see are ghosts - and not in a fun Scooby Doo way either. O-Den somehow arranges for Wicksy to call her and offer for her to come to New Zealand and visit him and Devil Child Stephen (does that mean that the satanic spawn is soon returning, presumably with an Adam Ricketts style different head?). They pay for the tickets and everything. Neat!

Jim is about to tell PolDot about the elopement but they are still moaning and being annoying so he decides to leave them to it and go by himself

DOTHRA VS POLZILLA: THE REHEARSAL
Slutty's worried that Fool doesn't find her attractive any more. Must be the way he winces and scrubs himself with a brillo pad every time she touches him. Fool still has his kicked labrador expression on, and encourages her to go on a lairy night out with Kellay and Teen (whose outfits get more ho-tastic every day). This is supposed to be their way of cheering up Ethel 2.0. Ethel is more interested in dozing on the sofa (is that where she lives?) and fingering Husband 1.0's medals. Kellay and Teen witter on about eternal love, men etc, and Slutty looks sadly at Fool.

Hostilities between Dothra and Polzilla begin chez Fowler, where Gay Pike has arranged a array of posh nibbles for a tasting session. Dot hates everything foreign and insists that they'll do perfectly well on Mothers Pride and Tesco ham sandwiches, and a nice cup of tea. Polzilla reveals that she has booked a big wedding cake, and Dothra is sad because apparently she was going to stick a couple of battenburgs on a malted loaf as a surprise offering. Moomin and MMartin look beleagured, and everybody goes off to the church for the wedding rehearsal. Except Gay Pike, who has to deal with an "incident" at the community centre.

Oh yes, the Ferreiraz are dotted around the square in various neighbours' houses. Adull is in the Slater tardis, where Mo is revealing an unhealthy fascination with Omar Sharif and keeps winking at him. Adull wants to buy the house back. Uh...yeah...sorry I'm bored again.

MY Gus might have to change his name to Fast Eddie MY Gus. He turns out to be a demon pool playa, and Scalliq says he should be a hustler. Just get a bloody job, Juley.

Pat bumps into ODen, who seems to spend his days hanging around market stalls doing nothing in particular - or maybe he's waiting for the Mystery Laydee. Pat tells ODen about Tink's mini-heist. ODen says that nobody would be so sad, stupid and lonely to fall for that one would they? Then Pat looks like she might land him one and he gives her a grand from the club funds - why doesn't he just employ her as the official club book-cooker? She did it for the Ferreiraz.

Moomin's wedding blues continue at the church. First Polzilla has had the order of service sheets printed on posh paper, and she's insisting on reciting some dreadful poem she found in a Hallmark card. Dothra starts yammering on about a church being no place for semi-literate doggerel unless it mentions God a lot, which Polzilla's poem doesn't which makes it evil. Polzilla gets upset and Moomin and MMartin walk out. MMartin seems to have absorbed some Moomin powers, and uses them to calm Moomin down long enough to suggest that they elope. Moomin's looking very pretty these days.

THE WEAKEST TINK
My damn VCR cuts off the beginning but it looks like Tink is trying some crazy ass Jedi mind tricks on Fool. "These aren't the WW2 medals you're looking for... I'll be off then" etc. Fool rubs his forehead and makes pained noises but then manages to cast off the evil psionic spell and stops Tink running away. He grabs back the medals and makes Tink admit that he is a conman. They argue back and forth and Tink says he is some kind of man-whore who gives ladies just what they want - for a price! Fool says that Tink has to come and dump Ethel 2.0 to her face. It has been sending me mad trying to think who Tink reminds me of and it finally hits me - he looks just like the Siamese dog off Rupert the Bear!

The fucking Ferreira Kidz are all standing in a row in their gloomy boarded up house as though they are appearing in an avant garde stage production or something. They moan about losing the house and then decide that they are just trying to keep hold of it to please their deadbeat absent parents. Not to like, have somewhere to live or anything. Jeeesus. The German Lesbian looking bailiff is just about to sledgehammer open the door when they open up voluntarily - unfortunately the GLL bailiff manages to stop the hammer from smashing their heads open as they stand in the doorway like muppets. Ash tries some moral high ground o-rama on the bailiff but he says "Dude, I'm not the one who fucked up the mortgage payments." I am ashamed to say I said "That's right, ASH!" out loud! Such a loser. The Ferrieras sit on the kerb and discuss their options but then all the neighbours rally round to help.

Everyone gathers in the Vic for the wedding. Pat is wearing a giant rectangular blue dress that makes her look a cubist painting. Kellay is wearing a ho-riffic midriff bearing jacket. Maybe that would be appropriate at Xtina Aguilera's wedding but not for Ethel 2.0! Poline and Dot talk about weddings. Yawn. NC subplot - Mickney and Mo sell coloured rice but then have to refund everyone when the wedding is (spoiler) called off.

Moomin and Martin go to the Park of Plot Revelations and talk about the wedding - they consider eloping, in a jokey way. Moomin's hair is looking quite nice these days. They talk about baybay Chloe and Moomin comforts Martin with some words of Moomin Wisdom.

Lady Den stalks O-Den but it turns out he is just going to meet Ian about something. Maybe O-Den has fallen for the Bealemeister's manly charms. That would be a surprise.

Ethel 2.0 is fussing that the wedding is running late. Tink and Fool show up and they go upstairs to talk. Fool mentions that the medals were stolen and Ethel just thinks he took them to help pay for the honeymoon and doesn't mind. Fool makes Tink admit that he is a cheating scumbag who was lying and pretending to be the man of Ethel's dreams. Ethel's little heart breaks into a million pieces and she asks him to stay anyway and turn over a new life. He says no and fucks off. Buh bye Tink. Ethel cries alone - nice acting from her but still this plot was lame lame lame.

When Backstreet finds out he runs downstairs and pops all the balloons in a totally gay manner. Grrr, kill those scary balloons, Backstreet! Pat asks what is up and Backstreet says "Tink was a dirty rotten conman and he has done a bunk!" Pat says "He's got my money!" - for the benefit of any new viewers.

AS ANY FULE KNO
They're wedding kerayzee in the EE offices at the moment. Ethel's trying to get ready in the living room at the Vic while assorted LadyDens, Beales, Moons and Kellay flutter around them. Ethel reveals her true control freak colours with a precisely ordered list of tasks, which she hands Fool. Everybody smiles at this as evidence of dearlittleoldlady eccentricity, the fools.

Ian's trying to change a nappy while putting silverskin onions on cocktail sticks but the Midwich Twins are carrying on like a pair of tweenie hellhounds. LadyDen tells him to sort his life out and find a babysitter or else. Ethel 2.0 brings out a cheap gilt brooch of Destiny that Husband 1.0 gave her, and witters on some more about betraying Husband 1.0 even though her first marriage seems to have been little more than two dances and a knee trembler round the back of the Hammersmith Palais. Slutty gives Fool a significant look and talks about forgiveness and love in a very slow voice. Fool looks at his feet and mumbles.

Tink's loitering around at the B&B, gazing at the Wedding Ring of Destiny like a superannuated hobbit. Yolande witters on about love etc, and Tink looks ever so slightly guilty. Then he disappears with a suitcase full of Pat's cash back off to Lovejoy's barn in Essex, I presume. Fool realises his bar snacking habit has to stop when can't run 200 yards through the market to catch up with an elderly man. He finally catches up with Tink at the station, and sees that Tink has only bought one travelcard. Why, what can this be? says Fool? Tink: "You've got me bang to rights, guvnor. The medics are only giving me three weeks to live. I've got to run far, far away..."

Meanwhile there is confusion in the Square. Scalliq's number-changing stunt has stumped a pack of comedy bailiffs and Ian's babysitter. The chief comedy bailiff is that bloke who did a lot of work on Goodness Gracious Me. Maybe they'll all get together in the house and reprise the "Going out for an English" sketch. The Ferreiraz have barricaded themselves in the house, and are preparing Adull for a human sacrifice to the building society or something. Pat hands over some beautifully cooked books, and off Adull goes to fleece the building society manager. DJ Ross and Kareena mutter that the squatting plan is dooomed, and start looking for flats in Willesden (Willesden? Leyton would be a better bet, guys). Ash and Scalliq are sad that their siblings have no faith in them...well DUH!

NC plot involving Mickney, Big Mo and a load of coloured rice.

Teen digs out another slatternly dress. Denman is impressed. Slutty tells Denman she's watching him. Denman calls her a perv.

Polzilla/Dothra bicker about the wedding and criticise Ethel's preparations. Moomin and MMartin grab the Simplet and escape, using the old dirty nappy excuse. Good move, Moomin. I use that one a lot.

Adull gets a mortgage offer just as the comedy bailiffs breaking down the door, and the Kidz are yelling "kiss my chuddies". But it matters not, young Adull. Chief Comedy bailiff says that they still have to move out while court decides what to do next. Oh no! This plot is set to run and run, isn't it?

Back to Tink/Fool. Tink tells Fool that he only has five minutes to live, and he can't put Ethel 2.0 through the pain and emotional trauma of having to change his colostomy bag or whatever. Fool says he has to tell Ethel, but Tink uses his Tinkly wiles to convice Fool to just let him leave. With Dignity. And Husband 1.0's war medals. Fool gives him a last hug, and oops, there go the medals. Fool is confused. Tink puts on his Avengers Evil Heavy look. But in the Avengers he was usually wearing a jaunty beret and striped jumper. It doesn't really work as well in a linen suit. Maybe he should have borrowed Patrick Macnee's swordstick.

WILF TO POWER

This is going to cover Friday and Monday, but before I start I should mention that I saw Minty in real life yesterday! I was in that crappy shopping centre at Angel Islington and there he was! Wearing a naff, oatmeal coloured linen suit, birkenstock type sandal things and trendoid sunglasses - he looked like a German architect or something!

Anyway - Fool is still really obviously flinching and refusing to touch Slutty and, I assume, is also witholding the sex. The big surprise turns out to be a pool table. Boring! When Andy pops round the vic, they mock him and he runs away. Slutty asks fool to roughly take her on the pool table and Fool therefore challenges her to a game of pool. Slutty wins, but is losing the game of love. Or something.

Moomin and Martin moan about the wedding and their interfering rellies. They say that they want to be married but without all the hassle of an actual wedding. It's called "cohabitation" kids - look into it! They catch Dot meddling again, have another stroppy fit and then go and talk about going away to stay with Michelle a bit.

A-Garrry says he can no longer babysit for Ian as it's just too hard, dammit!

LadyDen continues her progression down Bunny Boiler Avenue. She constantly asks where O-Den is going, scans his coat for stray lady hairs, checks his alibis out with Shazza (and catches him out in a LIE) and then starts phoning all the numbers in his diary. she is crazy in love uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh etc. O-Den phones mystery wench and says he has to cool things a bit.

Also it is Vickney's 18th Birthday. O-Den gets her a fancy watch and she has a party in the club. shazza goes into full-on, eye bulging Blonde Mentalist Mode as a) LadyDen cooks a fancy birthday breakfast and "does Vickney's hair" somehow - dude, it is shorter than mine - what exactly can she do to it? which all makes Shazza jealous. Then the tired rotting corpse of crypto incest mister sister/brother loving is exhumed and Denman and Shazza start making cryptic comments and staring meaningfully at each a lot. Denman wants Shazza's permission to bone Teen or something. Teen says she will only give up her bootay to Denman if it isn't a one night stand. Denman kind of agrees. Slutty tells Teen that she is making a mistake with Denman but Teen ignores her. Shazza makes loads of bitchy comments about the whole thing and wobbles her jaw a lot. They have more cryptic conversations that I am totally not interested in and then Shazza decides she fancies Denman after all and goes to tell him but finds Teen slinking round the flat in Denman's shirt, the minx. In the end Shazza says that Teen is a nice girl and Denman can do what he likes and that Shazza will get over him in her own time. She makes a face like she is smiling through the pain or crying on the inside or something. I know how you feel, love.

Pat says she will use her super book keeping powers to convince the bank that the Ferrieraz can afford to stay in the house. Go Pat! Meanwhile Scalliq and DJ Ross change all the house numbers round to confuse the bailiffs under cover of Gus and Juley playing 5 a side with some Blazing Squad look-a-likeys. Flip reverse it, boys! What did that even mean?

In further Pat action, now that she no longer has Juhneen, Simpleton or Bobby to obsess about, she has taken to pining outside the car lot and fingering her ring (oo er missis, etc). Tink stops by and says that he will buy the car lot and let Pat manage it! Pat is delighted! Don't trust him Pat, he is like Max Von Sydow in Stephen King's Needful Things!

Two weddings in two weeks? When I were a lad a soap wedding was a special occassion! Desperation much? EE writers? Anyhoo, Tink and Ethel 2.0 are getting all excited about their wedding. Fool asks where Tink is taking Ethel on honeymoon and Tink is all "A who's in the what now?" Fool explains that Ethel never had a honeymoon before on account of the nazi threat that hung over Europe etc so Tink says "Doh!" and runs around phoning travel agents blah blah. Also he occasionally makes evil faces to himself in the mirror. Ruh roh. In the end he announces to the Entire Vic that he has booked somewhere in the Carribbean. On a bank holiday, shyeah right. Everyone cheers etc. Tink goes upstairs and tears the brochure in half. Evilly.