MOOMIN DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE
It would be too depressing to start with Moomin, so I'll start with Parklife instead. The Wickspawn decide that their father has to find a woman instead of moping about, cooking lasagne for Pat and watching Alien3. I agree, despite the presence of the late, great Brian Glover and at least one McGann brother, it is a pisspoor sequel to the asskicking firefest that is Alien 2. And there's no cat in it either.
Oh...right...that's not the point. Beano and Wotserface want their dad to get laid. So, they show him some dating websites via some bloke's 'borrowed' ThinkPad. Excuse me, but considering there are fewer than three computers in the square (and I do include the 286 at the Dolescums), how come everybody seems to have free wireless broadband access that allows even the computerless to tap into the Interweb? Parklife would do quite well on an internet dating site: he's solvent, sane and has all his own teeth, all rare commodities in Internet Dating For the Over 50s, according to my dad. Anyway, Parklife is more interested in getting DVDs than dates, so another of Beano's genius schemes backfires.
Billy gets the video shop back, and the flat upstairs. No, I'm not sure how he did it either. Phoney is initially nervous about catching Drippy-ness from drinking out of Drippy's old mug, but Billy does a 'makeover' that would put Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen to shame, and she decides that it's OK after all.
Over at the caff, Jane's trying to ignore Grunt's semi-flirtatious chats, but finds it increasingly difficult when Ian acts like a complete dick in front of him. Chelski mopes, but when Billy sacks her from the vid shop for being useless, Grunt wangles her a job at the caff so that she can mope about and make PJane jealous. PJane says she's not going to play Grunt's games, and then somehow they end up in the usual EE producers' shorthand for Illicit And Wrong Sex, in a Postman Always Rings Twice (rubbish remake)-style clinch on the kitchen table. Only DC Peter's forgotten PE kit saves PJane from Wrongness just before Grunt gets his trousers off. Grunt spouts some stuff about PJane being the only woman for him because she doesn't take any crap off him. They've only known each other five minutes. Anyway, PJ says it's all Wicked And Wrong, and she's not doing it any more. Grunt does that eyebrow smirky "You love it really" thing and throws some crockery around because PJane's refusal makes him go "Grrr! SMASH!". He doesn't Grrr Smash as prettily as Denman though...
Chelski's mum works in the hitherto unvisited Post Office. In honour of my daughter's current obsession with all thing Postman Pat, I shall name her Mrs Goggins. Mrs Goggins finds out about Chelski and Grant and, in a non-comedy mixup moment, mistakes Parklife for Grunt in the pub and has a go in front of Babs. She and Parklife have further altercations about one thing and another, and Parklife doesn't know whether to smack her one or kiss her...etc. I think we can see where this is leading.
Oh, I can't avoid it any longer. Moomin mopes and regrets that Moominchild will never get to watch The Wizard of Oz - thank God for that, it's the scariest film evah. Naomi gets her to be honest with AdoptoGran, so she visits AdoptoGran, who questions her on how Moominchild will be cared for if Moomin and Martin have split. Moomin tries to explain that the nuclear family is a bit of an outdated concept in these post-feminist times, and that she has plenty of support from her...ummm...girlfriend. AdoptoGran shivers and reckons that Moomin has the poor kid measured up for a pair of dungarees already. Moomin loses her chance and goes home to bewail the lot of the lesbian mother. As somebody on GU said far more eloquently than I can: "How very Julie Burchill- one week of plating and she's Radclyffe fucking Hall.."
NB: I have absolutely no idea what plating is, and I think I want it to stay that way.
Anyway, you know things are bad when MMartin is the voice of sanity and reason. MMartin arranges for Moominchild to come and stay with him and Poline on a trial basis. Poline crows triumphantly at Moomin (who runs off to snivel and blame poor Naomi again). Naomi dumps Moomin. MMartin has a change of heart and offers Moomin some quality time with Mchild at the Swings of Contemplation. Naomi apologises and wants to get back together, but Moomin is all: "Yeah, great! Love you too. Gotta go. Bye!" After a very tense tea in which Moominchild tries to break the ice by painting a cross tabby cat face on Poline, MMartin takes Moomin aside and tells her that he wants to make a fresh start with her. Moomin's little face shines at the thought of a threesome, but all MMartin wants is a divorce. Ruh, and indeed Roh.
Ooops, nearly forgot. Baby Freddie is on the mend but Drippy can't be alone with him in case she smothers him with one of those overstuffed NHS pillows or something. Drippy mopes. There's another fight with Babs when she tries to go back to work, and Ben keeps bumping into assorted Slaters trying to get the truth out of him. Fill and Grunt go "grr..." a lot. Fit Doctor agonises about doing his medical duty, but then the paediatrician discovers that Freddie's platelet count was down on the day of the alleged assault, which means that he could have got this from a scraped knee or something. Does that mean he's haemophiliac then? Anyway Drippy's in the clear, but Babs still reckons she's a child-battering headcase who should be kept away from Ben. Drippy: wetter than Rockall.
And There's bowling shenanigans in which Ian acts like a dick (again), and Fill and Ben bond some more. Ben calls Fill "Dad" by mistake. Ian smirks soppily. Save me from this drivel.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
DOCTOR DOCTOR, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GURNING GURNING
I’ll try and cover the last two weeks but what with Sarah’s family emergency and me being on holiday, it will be a bit shit I’m afraid.
It is the anniversary of Parklife’s son’s death, which gives all the Wickseses (apart from Pat) an excuse to act up and be super annoying. SO sad that I missed that particular “story” “line”. In other news, someone says that Carly is not a proper bird because she works in a garage (*sigh*) so she has a strop and dresses up all nice for the opening of Scarlett’s, but then it turns out she is wearing the same dress as GADawn and has another strop, but then they both make fun of Agarry and spray him with soda (from siphons? They haven’t had those in bars for years, its all out of a gun now..) and bond and make friends.
Ben is bullied at school. More dithering around with Ben/Ian/Fill etc etc.
Lee opens Scarletts. Davetta doesn’t want to go but then she does and has some sort of bratty fit about her evil crim dad or something.
Billy and Phoney don’t like living with Yolande and TriniDad so Billy applies for a mortgage and is sent packing with peals of hysterical laughter ringing in his ears. He wants to move back into the flat over the video shop – yes, the entire shop has reappeared out of the plot cupboard and brought a new cast member with it! A foxyish young lady with the unfortunate porn star/drag queen name of Chelsea. Chelsea is doomed to be a pawn in Grant’s evil love shenanigans. Poor Chelsea.
Speaking of which – Jane and Grant get it on at the club opening and spend a few episodes sniffing round each other, with Jane saying “oh no I mustn’t” before Ian does something dickish and she succumbs to Grants manly, um - whatever it is he has that makes the writers think he is irresistible to the laydees - and shags him again. Fill walks in on them canoodling, but doesn’t tell anyone and in the end Jane comes to her senses and tells Grant that it is ovah! Ovah I say! Grant says “OK, whatever” and starts sniffing round Chelsea instead. Jane is sad because her loins still ache for the big lunk and his new comedy eyebrow raising acting "style". Zzz, wake me up when Ian finds out.
Drippy/Fred-Deee – still not coping. Drippy confesses her convoluted soap opera past to The Fit Doctor but he doesn’t care (if he can get past that awful hair I don’t think an abusive marriage/spell in prison/rape and rape baby are going to put him off) and still wants to go out with her. They do it. He invites her to spend the night in Brighton – Sodom of the South and at first Drippy is all “oh no, I could never leave Fred-dee!” but then she thinks: “Hmm, doctor = hot! Fred-dee = annoying. I’ll go!” They are just about to drive off when there is an omen or some such and she decides she can’t go after all. (Maybe the doc should have gone anyway - I’m sure he would be very popular in the GAY CAPITAL OF THE SOUTH COAST). Anyway, when Drippy gets in she discovers that Fred-dee is in a coma – gasp - and has to rush to hospital. It turns out that he has bleeding of teh brane and everyone thinks that Drippy battered him or something. Cue Drippy saying “I would never hurt Fred-dee!” about 500 times an episode. Fit Doctor has to tell the cops about Drippy coming to the doctors moaning about the kid every day for the last six years so Drippy thinks he has turned against her. She thinks the family have too, even when they are nice to her. She recalls that Ben spent some time alone with Fred-dee and goes to rough him up to make him confess. The Mitchells are annoyed. I am annoyed too but for lots of different reasons.
Moomin and Martin argue on Moomin’s 21st birthday/make up a bit/argue some more/blah blah blah. Adopto-gran comes round with Moominspawn so they agree to pretend to be nice for the sake of appearances. Gran says she is going to change her will to make the Bickersons guardians of Moominspawn when Adopto-gran dies. Moomin is rubbing her hands together saying “Sweet!” when Martin suddenly shouts “Moomin left me two months ago and is now a big gay! It’s all a tissue of lies!” so adopto-gran says “well I never!” and storms out. Moomin is left in the Square bellowing “I hate yooooo!” through Martin’s letter box. She goes round to try and reason with Adopto-gran but A-G is all “No, the lies! So wrong!” and chucks her out. Jim and Naomi try to cheer her up but Moomin is all “Boo hoo! I’ll never see my daughter again!”
I wish.
