THIS AIN'T NO HOLIDAY
I know Kathleen Hutchinson has only just left, but there's a sense of mopping up of formerly crap storylines about these eps - though that might just be a forlorn hope on my part.

So, the BabyNotBabyYesBaby plotline continues. LadyDen tries a few leading questions like: "That wasn't nice of Denman to run off was it? Do you think he had a good reason other than he preferred shagging his adoptive sister to his pregnant girlfriend? Fancy Teen getting pregnant just at the wrong time eh? Isn't that funny?" O-Den pretends he didn't hear. I was busy trying to identify his newspaper - bet it wasn't the Mirror.

Byrite goes over to the Truemans to tell Yolande that he didn't kill Paul and could she please tell TriniDad to stop overacting. TriniDad is cross that Yolande exchanged words with Byrite. Yep, OK. Next.

Drippy takes Teen and Cute Baby Freddie out for a walk. In the middle of the night? Jesus, no wonder the kids on this square are nutjob muppets or soul-eating demons. Teen takes time out from her busy schedule of self-pity to tell Drippy to stop acting like an twat and take HanniBill Lecter back for all our sakes. Drippy looks droopy. Drippy gets a platonic good luck hug from Fool, but Billy sees them, goes apeshit and punches Fool. Well, I say 'punch' in the most general sense of the word. It looks more like he was trying to swat a stray eyelash, but Fool's face later is a picture of purple heroism. I've probably got all the sequencing wrong because I really have run out of care for this plot, but anyway, Billy and Drippy look like they're about to make up but then Billy calls CBF "your kid" and Drippy takes offence. I say "your kid" every time I want Mr P to change the baby's nappy; my mum says "your kid" to my dad every time I do something to annoy her: it's just a turn of phrase, Drips, love. But...oh no, she's off again. And it's for good this time. I'm missing the West Wing for this, you know.

Curly gets invited to Sham and Minty's for dinner. Minty's not happy. Curly tries to break the ice by talking football, but poor old Minty's a Wet Ham supporter and you know how sensitive they are. Curly supports Spurs anyway (hahahahahahah!), but then they discover that a mutual hatred of Byrite is worth more than getting trashed by Crystal Palace, and bond mightily. Sham: pleased.

Some junk mail arrives for Teen, and LadyDen uses it as an excuse to nip over to the Slater Tardis to confront Teen. The baby still isn't in bed because Teen needs an opportunity to hold the baby and look troubled. LadyDen turns up and tries to get Teen to admit to her wrinkly trysts with O-Den but all she does is whine about missing O-Den. LadyDen goes back to the pub and promises to take care of Teen for once and for all...bwahahaha!

THE SILENCE OF THE SHAMS
Hmm, I don't this one need detain us long. It is Demi and Dumber's 14th birthday. One of them gets a PS2 and Keef hogs it, the bastard. Kareena is there with Mickney so it looks like they weren't just pretending that the Ferrieras never existed, as I was beginning to suspect. Rosie Klebb asks Clint to find out if DSKeef is ready to marry her yet. She drops loads of hints too. Clint and rosa think Keef is up for it but he probably isn't. Who cares, eh?

Dot is worried about her cancer 6 month check up but not worried enough to, oh I don't know... STOP SMOKING. Jim is supportive. They worry about Yolande and Trinidad.

blah blah mah son is deaaaddddd etc. Trinidad sits up all night spying on Byrite. He goes round the police station and harrasses DI Wanamaker. He wanna make 'er (see what I did there, eh? eh?) tell him what is going on but she is worried he might tip off Byrite. He shouts at Byrite a bit and goes to the pub. Byrite glances round anxiously, on the look out for mobs bearing pitchforks and torches and tells that well known 60s folk band Curly&Lee to protect him. Yolande tries to contact Dr Perv, run the shop and arrange the funeral. She cries at Poline's house and goes on a super acting rampage. She begs Trinidad to help her etc and lets slip that Trinidad carrying on won't make him feel less bad for being a rubbish dad. Doh! Trinidad storms out and Yolande is sad.

Ian avoids Poline but she catches him in the end. oh yes. She says she doesn't mind if he wants to shag around but for pity's sake he should think of the children. Ian tells Jane that he loves her, so the relationship is no longer casual and he can carry on shagging her.

Byrite sees Curly and Sham chatting and accuses him of kerb crawling. Um, remind me who married whom for money again, Byrite?? Curly: angry. Sham: He's not worf it! Curly is all "must destroy Byrite" and Lee says they should bide their time and spy on Byrite as long as they can before they pounce. Curly nods, as though that is the cleverest thing he has ever heard.

First Teen, now Drippy has moved back into the Slater House - they are like salmon returning to spawn or something. JoJo and Teen have to share a room (catfights a go go) and I guess Charlie is sleeping in the bath or something. Teen: still sad. Drippy: not wanting to talk about it. Billy moans to AGarry and Fool that he has really put his foot in it and wants to make things up to Drippy. Um Billy, that might work if you forget an anniversary but not when you tell your wife that you HATE HER BABY. Fool offers to act as go between and smuggle notes to Drippy. Later on Agarry accidentally drops Fool in it and Billy is suspicious. Later on still, Drippy goes for a walk and runs into Fool. they agree that they are good mates and hug. Of course, Billy spots them from behind a market stall and tries to make a mean face, but as Drippy says, he's not exactly Hannibal Lecter.

MORONIC INFERNO
TriniDad decides to put a brave face on, and help Yolande and JoJo in the shop. At least, that's the DOOMED plan. A blonde copper appears on the doorstep and asks TriniDad to come with them to identify a body. JoJo is told to stop rearranging the magazines and bugger off. TriniDad gets cross and says that he's not going to stop running his shop just to identify every dead black person in a leather jacket in London. Eventually, he and Yolande shut up shop and get into the police car in front of the entire square, which happens to be out and about at 8am. Fool even manages to sell a frying pan and get a "topical" WMD joke in.

Drippy says that Billy has disappeared and trails around the square all day bleating: "Billeeeeee!" She drops CBF chez Slater, where Mo goes on about what will happen when she gets her hands on Billy. Shut up Mo. Teen: moans that all men are Scum and weeps. Shut up Teen. AGarry looks shifty, and Mo threatens to kiss him unless he tells her where Billy is. He tells them that Billy went to see Evil Rapist Graham. Drippy: cross.

Billy has spent the night feeding off spare Moomin powers at Jaymee's grave. He forgets that he used to kick the shit out of Jaymee on a regular basis, and goes on about how much he loved him. To be honest, I wasn't listening because I find this plotline tedious beyond belief. AGarry tells Billy that Drippy Knows, and Bill goes home. Big row. Nobody listens, then Billy admits that he hates Cute Baby Freddie (how could you? He's adorable!), and is starting to hate Drippy too. Oh dear.

Anyway, DI Everton goes with TriniDad to identify the body. TriniDad confirms it is Bad Brutha (boo!) and goes off to get drunk. In the pub everybody thinks that BB has been arrested, and O-Den tells TriniDad that BB had it coming. Yolande tells the pub that BB has been murdered, and everybody looks slightly embarrassed. Including the girls having a 21st birthday bash (in a pub at lunchtime? Are you sure?).

Meanwhile DI Everton and Wanamaker pay a visit to Byrite, who is out and about trying to find out who dug up BB's body. Byrite says he'll only answer questions in the comfort of his own living room. Quentin hasn't changed much since Sham moved out. How can these people live with someone else's decor? Anyway, Byrite denies everything, and DI Everton hints that the grass might have been a remorseful killer. Byrite looks worried. TriniDad sees the police leaving Byrite and demands to know why he isn't being arrested. Lots of screaming, lots of "dat was mah son!", and a promise that BB's ghost will haunt Byrite forevah. Byrite sniffs the air for the aroma of stale Benson's and leather. Curly and Lee look interested.

Oh, and Ian and PantoJane get Poline to look after the kids while they get it on in the living room. My eyes!

JOHNNY MORONIC
Fool goes to beg the Market Inspector for his pitch back while Lee and Curly go home. Ethel 2.0 is acting more doddery and confused than normal and eventually Lee and curly discover that White Van Diesel stole her pension money, her wedding ring and gave her a really bad chinese burn. Ethel witlessly says that White Van said he wanted to give a message to the Moons but that he didn't actually leave a message. Lee and curly go "grrr" and Curly instantly wants to run around and beat up Byrite, on account of how is so hot tempered and impetuous and what not. Lee says they should wait and phones Tony Bennet looking gangsta Johnny so he can sort it out. When Fool finds out he is cross and wants Lee and Curly to leave but then Tony Bennet shows up to find out what is going on. He gives Ethel 2.0 some cash to replace the pension money and some flowers, the old smoothy, and says they all have to come and sort things out with Byrite. At least the shit gangsta plots seem to be based more on the Sopranos than Snatch, these days.

Teen has moved back into the Slaters, like that is going to help her mental state. Everyone stomps around saying they will help her raise the Phantom Baby and that they will give Denman what for, etc. Teen is sad. When Dot finds out from Jojo, she goes round to commiserate. Drippy comes round and says that everything will seem better when Teen experiences the Miracle of Birth. Teen is about to say that there is no baby when Mo interrupts by coming in with a bit of fencing. God Mo, this isn't Ground Force.

LadyDen is playing it: revenge = dish best served cold. Either that or she just hasn't found a rusty, blunt enough pair of scissors yet. She pulls hacky/tragic faces and says she is in a funny mood whenever O-Den tries to touch her. They get a letter from Shazza saying she has sold the club and will be sending them their shares shortly. Ladyden innocently says she will put the money and her nail bar money into the Vic so they can be equal partners. O-Den agrees. Later on LadyDen looks at some Important Papers and makes calculating faces. O-Den says he is going to visit Teen and LadyDen makes a super hacky face. Teen is not best pleased to see her dadfriend and tells him to fuck off. O-Den says he is worried about her and Teen says he is just worried about LadyDen finding out. O-Den says that Teen ought to be worried about LadyDen finding out too - unless she fancies wearing a hat for the next six months.

At the shop, JoJo is still an evil pixie. Trinidad is still whinging about Bad Brutha and Yolnade is still being impatient. Trinidad goes for a drink with Jim and whinges some more. Lots of people have said they are touched by Trinidad going "boo hoo, I'm looking for my son!" for ten minutes at a stretch. I am not one of those people.

It is the day of Billy's visit to see Evil Rapist Graham. He spends the whole time avoiding Drippy, even though she plans a fancy lunch for them. He says he is really busy at the video shop, even though he has a new Silent Assistant. Also, if he worked that hard of the shop he would have taken down the poster for Blue Crush: surfing film dud of yesteryear. He gets A-Garry to lie for him and nips off to the prison. Meanwhile Drippy has laid an entire lunch out on the table, including desert. Do people really ever do that outside of adverts for Iceland? when Billy never shows up she takes the cake round to cheer up Ethel 2.0. Her and Fool nearly kiss again and Fool is wearing a horrid jumper.

At HM Lakeland Plastics Prison, it is visiting time and the yellow rounders sashes get another outing. Billy glares at Graham. Graham says that he isn't paying any child support so that Billy can just forget it. Billy says he is just there to mock and gloat etc. Graham says he is a having a nice time and that he is very popular in prison. I bet he is, with that pretty mouth. Mental midget Billy soon betrays his true feelings and Graham starts with the "He'll look forward to meeting his real dad! Step dads are rubbish! etc" routine. Billy runs away and cries, probably.

It looks like Byrite and Quentin have spent the night together. They go to the bookies and are underjoyed to see all the Moon men and Tony Bennet waiting for them. They all argue and bicker and Tony says that Byrite has to get Ethel's wedding ring back and that everyone has to behave in future, or else Tony will bang their heads together and make them sit in a corner. During all this, Trinidad shows up and puts on his grief-a-palooza AGAIN. Jim drags him away and the Moons follow. Tony Bennet accuses Byrite of being a rubbish gangsta and of losing control of his so-called turf. He asks what happend to Bad Brutha and Byrite says "Oh, he just got mixed up in something to big for him and was mysteriously murdered." Tony: "Oh, so he was murdered? How do you know?" Byrite: "Doh!" Later on, Tony phones someone on his mobile and says that it's about time Bad Brutha showed up again - but I doubt he means as a zombie or ghost or anything. Unfortunately.

DAED SI LAUP
Oooh, it's just like those Australian daytime soaps of the 80s when they freeze on Angela Palmer's face as she discovers that the love of her life is actually her secret twin brother on the lam...hang on, where are we again?

Denman's still staring at O-Den and naked Teen, O-Den buttons up his shirt and says that he was doing him a favour while Teen snivels yet another apology. Denman doesn't bother to disguise his flinch when she tries to touch him, and tells O-Den to keep her. Off he goes to pack his bags for New York (remember Denman: the Bronx is up and the Battery's down). O-Den realises that he has to get to Denman before he tells LadyDen or his balls will be on a plate and no use to anybody.

Meanwhile TriniDad is reporting Bad Brutha's disappearance at the police station. The Graduate Trainee copper (how else do you explain that accent?) suggests that he might be meditating in the Himalayas, but TriniDad insists that something's wrong.

Lee finds Curly beating up Byrite in a handy back street. I have no idea where Quentin is: maybe he's off directing Kill Paul I: Uma Thurman battles Deadly Ninja Kittens! After yet another exposition of the dodgy watches/to Mo/to Curly/to Fool/to the police scam, Lee pulls Curly off Byrite, but then Byrite makes a crack about Curly being a psycho, and Lee punches him. Apparently this makes life very difficult for the Moons. Byrite's response is to send Vin Diesel Henchperson over to ask Ethel 2.0 for her secret sponge recipe. Not really. I think Vin decides to rough up Ethel because he can't find the others, which is about as pathetic as EE gangsters can possibly get. I fully expect Byrite, Quentin and Vin to be doing balletic leaps around the market on Monday, singing about how the Jets are going to get what's theirs toniiiight.

O-Den tells Denman some complicated yarn about the past month being all about proving how much Denman is like O-Den, and it's up to Denman to prove that he isn't as bad as O-Den by staying to bring up his surrogate baby with Teen. Denman doesn't get to say much or smash much. All he does for much of this ep is glower prettily.

SCENE ONE
TEEN: Oh God I'm sooooo...sorreeeee-eee-eee
O-DEN: (BUTTONS SHIRT) It's not what you think,
DENMAN: GLOWERS PRETTILY

SCENE TWO
O-DEN: You can't go. Think of the child.
DENMAN: GLOWERS PRETTILY
TEEN: I'm soreeeeeee

SCENE THREE
TEEN: I'm not pregnant. I never was pregnant. O-Den was trying to make me pregnant because I love you so much.
DENMAN: GLOWERS PRETTILY
TEEN: I can still give you a baby if you want one. Shazz can't you know.
DENMAN: GLOWERS PRETTILY. BITCHSLAPS TEEN, WALKS OVER TO DEN [to O-Den]I hate you EXIT

SCENE FOUR - AT THE TUBE STATION
LADYDEN: SLIGHTLY PISSED, WAVING SHOPPING BAGS AROUNDOoooh...hello Handsome, where's my no-good husband then?
DENMAN: GLOWERS, THEN SMILES EVILLY

OK, so he's gone, but this plotline hasn't. Oh no. LadyDen staggers back to the pub and you can tell that she is thinking Bad Thoughts.

Detectives Everton and Zoe Wanamaker appear in the shop, much to JoJo's delight, to talk to TriniDad. They want to know where their favourite witness/grass is, and TriniDad gets suspicious. He finds DI Everton's card on Paul's bedside table with "Must call this man if Byrite does anything bad" written on it, and confronts DI Everton and Byrite. Both of them tell him to stay out of it. TriniDad is quite moving and far too good for this nonsense. JoJo is enjoying being an evil pixie and staring longingly at five pound notes.

Other news: Eeevil Graham has agreed to see Billy.

O-DEN OF INIQUITY
It is Bad Brutha's birthday and TriniDad is concerned that he hasn't shown up to collect his birthday cards and book token etc. Trinidad wants to forward them on but obviously doen't have an address (how about redirecting them to HELL!!!). He sits around the shop while JoJo and Yolande do all the work, and when Yolande makes him stack up some boxes of tea he spazzes out and can't stack them up; even though they are perfectly square boxes that a chimp could stack. He goes off to the pub and when he gets back, pissed, Yolnade marches him home to sort it out. JoJo is left in charge of the till and, of course, immediately contemplates nicking money that is given to her. TriniDad and Yolande open some of BB's bank statements and mobile phone bills and realise that he hasn't used either since he went away. I am somewhat distracted as Trinidad's shirt and waistcoat are the exact same colour as the door he is standing in front of. Why the camouflage? He is like a granddad, living room ninja. In the end he goes and makes a missing persons report to the kops.

There is something I don't really understand about Mo, Byrite and Curly and dodgy stolen goods. Don't bother explaining though, as I don't care. Fool is selling fake watches on his stall so Byrite grasses him up to trading standards, who confiscate his stock and make him shut down for the day. What a bitch. Curly makes "grrr" faces. He also flirts with Sham and tries to arrange another night of "making lala", as gifted chanteuse Ashleeee Simpson would put it. Sham is enjoying her little fling and chats to Panto Jane about it. Lee pops up in his gay matrix-looking jacket and tells Curly not to flaunt his Sham-boning dealy thing in front of Byrite. Why are you suddenly such an old fart, Lee?

Panto Jane is a little hurt when she discovers that Ian and the spawnlings went to see a film without her. I think Jane needs to get a better bra or something. she asks Ian out for a drink and he puts her off and generally acts all distant etc. Jane is sad and makes him sit down for a proper chat. He says he is just keeping his distance like she asked but she says she has changed her mind and is ready for a grief-stricken, emotionally confused relationship. They kiss and she gets lipstick all over him. "What do you look like?" she says and I amuse myself by shouting "A shaved ferret!" at the screen.

Billy and Drippy are still acting a bit frosty with each other. Billy tells A-Gary that he determined to have a dramatic confrontation with Evil Rapist Graham.

Evil puppetmaster O-Den screams "dance puppets! dances" as he mobilises the hordes of the witless (Drippy, Mo, Denman) to pressure Teen to go to the doctors. LadyDen is handily dispatched to visit a friend from Spain who is in town for the day. "Why are you doing this?" monotones Teen. So he can shag you love, it's not difficult or complicated. Do keep up. Teen says she is going to tell everyone, so O-Den relents and arranges for just Drippy to go with Teen. Demnan chats to Dot about how he is looking forward to being a dad now - so you just know something dreadful is going to happen. Teen just doesn't bother turning up, without phoning Drippy with a plausible excuse or anything. Girl, you are rubbish! O-Den tells Teen that he has got the one thing that she needs (ie. spunk) and that he is plundering her ovaries as a favour to her. She sighs and zombies into the bedroom for another round of inter-generational action. Drippy phones Denman who runs round looking for Teen - he goes upstairs in the Vic. Hmm, they aren't in the living room or the kitchen but wait! There is that goddamn germolene pink coat that Teen always wears. I knew that coat was evil and would get her in the end. Denman hears a muffled noise from the bedroom, sticks his head round the door and DUN DUN and indeed DUNHHHHH!!!! finds Teen and Denman in bed together. Denman stares at them and wonders if his medical insurance will pay for the years of therapy he will need to get over this scene.

BRIC-A-CRAP
Fool is sad because all Curly can find for the Old Tat stall is a bunch of tinsel and a few million second-hand Christmas cards. Fool is obviously far to busy staring longingly at Drippy to mooch around the bring-and-buys and jumble sales of London for his own stock, so he deserves what's coming to him.

Rainman discovers why his cab only cost 50p and a packet of Benson's when it breaks down within yards of his house. Rainman is sad, but AGarry offers to fix it inbetween tea breaks. Ian notices AGarry and Minty winching the rusty old cab into the garage and berates his workers for being a bit useless. AGarry and Minty have had enough of Ian's unenlightened methods of worker motivation - especially when PantoJane seems to disappear for weeks on end - and walk out for the day. Rainman catches them in the pub and whines about not being able to work, and JoJo must eat you know. They return to the garage, and tell Ian that he needs to lighten up. Ian goes home and takes the Midwich brats to see Evil Dead III, like they always wanted.

Big Mo gets wind of an amazing mystery deal on some completely genuine watches. She passes the watches onto Curly. Curly passes them on to Fool. Fool flogs them to countless passers-by. Byrite looks on with a sinister smile on his face. Later, it turns out that Big Mo's mystery contact is Byrite himself.

Byrite sends Curly and Lee on a debt-collecting spree. Curly calls on the ex-B&B and asks for Bad Brutha. Yolande says that Bad Brutha disappeared in the Taxi of DOOM at Christmas. Curly looks puzzled. TriniDad calls Dr Perv and discovers that Bad Brutha is not meditating in the Himalayas after all. Duh.

Oh and JoJo apparently enjoys her first day in the shop, but TriniDad doesn't want her anywhere near the till.

After his drunken outburst at the christening, Drippy decides that Billy isn't a fit stepfather, and takes CBF to the pub. Denman protests that it isn't a bloody creche, but BabyHungry LadyDen ushers CBF upstairs. There's a cute little twist that leaves Denman in charge of CBF, and he discovers that babies are quite good fun, actually. O-Den utters some weasel words about fatherhood and being there to support Denman when he becomes a father etc. Nation goes eww and yells "Noooo!". Denman skips home to Teen and says that they should go to the doctor's for her booking in appointment immediately so that he can start learning about pain relief techniques. Teen realises that she is trapped. Time to splodge the tomato ketchup down the toilet, girlie.

AGarry tells Billy to get over this Graham thing because CBF doesn't deserve to suffer. Billy says he wants to see Eeeeevil Graham for himself, and bury the demons within. Or whatever. I sense a Fathers 4 Justice storyline/trivialisation coming up on the starboard, cap'n.

Sham and Curly flirt all day, then spend the evening licking each other's faces in the pub. Byrite jokingly tries to warn Sham off Curly, but she fails to notice that he's on another date with Quentin and snits off to lick Curly some more. Minty gags silently and asks if he can stay at AGarry's tonight. AGarry: happy but not showing it.

BAPTISM OF DIRE
It is the day of Freddie's christening. There had better not be any drama or Rev Villa will shoot everyone with a raygun made of washing-up liquid bottles and sticky-back plastic. The Slaters all flap around and get ready. Charlie exposits that he has bought a new cab (with what money exactly?) and will be dispensing vigilante justice from tomorrow! Billy is being over-organised and a bit weird. They send Jojo round to the pub with the x-ening cake. She is wearing a fur waistcoat - very stylish, Wilma Flintstone - and of course she drops it. She teams up with Demi and Dumber to try and steal one from the Kwik-E-Mart. It turns out that the DoleScums have no money to buy food as Dolescum Keef spent it all on a Freeview box - hope you like watching home shopping channels and Usher videos, Keef. Unsurprisingly, Yolande spots them and catches Jojo. JoJo turns on the waterworks so Yolande helps her sort out a new cake and then says that JoJo has to work for her in the shop to make up for it - hmm, this storyline has potential.

PantoJane and Ian are on catering patrol. Sham is "covering" in the caff and burns stuff, so Curly helps her and letches over her ass. Sham makes a wacky face. OH MY GOD!!! Lee has changed his jacket!!! He tells Fool that him and Curly will get him his stock for the market stall to make up for being Bad Seeds or something.

Dot and Jim are arguing about religion or something . Wake me up when they have a thirty year war or an excommunication. Demi and Dumber go into the Vic and steal x-ening catered snacks to live on for the next week til their Dole comes through.

Teen lurks in the toilet and tries not to think of O-Den's cold dead hands clutching at her bootay. Denman thinks she has morning sickness and says she should stay at home, but Teen grabs her trusty pink coat and runs off for the church. The x-ening all goes as planned. Half the people in the church are super-obvious extras who have never been seen before and will never be seen again. Watch as they overact and try and scene-steal during the hymn singing part. Billy overhears Drippy telling Teen that nothing will matter when the baby arrives and that she will love the baybay more than anything. He makes a pissy face. Shut up, Billy. Back at the Square, Teen corners O-Den in the basement and says that she is sick of the Blackmail and the Lies and that O-Den is just an old perv. She says that he has more to lose than her so he ought to just go and tell everyone and be done with it. O-Den bulges his eyes and then goes and tells Denman that Teen is moaning that Denman is a bad boyfriend. Denman goes to Teen and says "How could you do it with O-Den." Teen is thinking "The jig, it is up!" before she realises what is going on. Denman says that she can talk to him about anything and that she shouldn't have to run to O-Den all the time.

At the Vic, Fool finds Billy lurking in the bogs cruising for trade (not really - he's just lurking.) Billy is all angry and starts going on about Evil Rapist Graham and how the rape took place in that very pub etc etc. Fool looks a bit bored (as do we all) and then basically tells him to get over it and move on, etc. billy goes into the bar to give a speech and starts borderline ranting before getting his shit together and returning to safe christening speech ground. Fool and Drippy look relieved. Later on though, Billy stomps off and goes marching away down the street. Fool runs after him, but to no avail. Perhaps Billy is going to look for a ladder so he can climb up it and GET OVER HIMSELF.

Teen asks to see O-Den upstairs - oo, risky - and says that she is sorry and that she didn't mean to say all those harsh true things earlier. O-Den forgives her and says he is just trying to help, seeing as how she is supposed to be 2 months along and has a completely child-free womb. Two months? There's no way you can cover for that length of time. Give it up already or fake a miscarraige. Teen shrugs and indicates the bed. Nooooooo!

SORRY IT'S LATE
Poor Teen! She really has bitten off more than she can chew (in more ways than one) this time. She wakes up next to Denman and starts ripping the sheets off the bed and scrubbing herself with a brillo pad. Denman tries to apologise about being a bit of a dick, but all Teen can see is the filthy filthy sheets and dirt everywhere. Denman escapes to the pub, where he runs into more lectures from a very smug O-Den, and LadyDen.

Incidentally O-Den gave LadyDen a big kiss this morning, but I think he was a bit tired to do the baby business. Anyway, it was enough seeing his scrawny naked chest, to be honest.

Today's non comedy sub-plot: Dot renounces gossip and spends the day stopping up her ears and mouth like an ornamental monkey. Poline grimaces a lot.

Curly's all creepy and smug around Byrite, until the cops raid the bookies, accusing Byrite of passing dodgy money. As if he'd be stupid enough to put counterfeit cash into his bank account. Even the Co-op can stop that one, idiots. Lee reminds Curly that Byrite is protecting them from the Walthamstow Massive or the Peckham Partnership or whatever. Anyway, Byrite's insurance covers him for the funny money

Minty encourages Sham to think of her job at the chippy as a new start. At the bottom. The only way is up...etc. They go out to the Vic and Curly gets a chance to chat her up some more. Poor Minty! Curly thinks her hatred of Byrite will bind her to him. Jesus, why can't she just like you?

Fool can't spell "bric-a-brac". Why he just didn't keep the stall's old name of "Ted's Tat", I've no idea. There's some nonsense about getting the entire market into his old place of employment to celebrate his new stall, and O-Den gets a chance to be mean again. Why doesn't he just do a Donald Sutherland and headbut a few kittens? That'll teach them (and make the trains run on time). Drippy tries to get out of it, but Fool assures her that he's not after her. Oh no...

Ian discovers that Devil Child Lucy has been bunking off with JoJo, which is apparently a crime worse than talking to the Evil Undead. PantoJane steps in as Substitute Mum. Again.

Denman takes the night off to make it up to Teen. He buys some chocolate and suggests they watch TV together. Woohoo...Teen tries to tell him that she's being forced to sleep with his dad and bottles out again. Denman suddenly gets frisky, but Teen suddenly has a vision of O-Den's wrinkly manhood and wriggles away. Denman: ruffled manhood. Stomps back to pub.

There's an odd scene with a photographer and Fool and Drippy and the Pub of the Year competition that I don't quite get. Then we get onto the really creepy stuff. O-Den reveals to Teen that all he really wants is Shazza, but since she's gone to the US, Teen will have to do. A nation goes...ew.

untitled

TEEN-Y TEARS
JoJo tries to persuade DC Lucy to bunk off school and go on the rob
with her, but Lucy is too chicken. JoJo lurks around the market and
steals a bracelet and a CD (or more likely, an empty CD case).
Meanwhile Dot and Poline have decided that TriniDad must be having an
affair and try to work out who is the mystery lady - Rosie Klebb?
Nope! Ethel 2.0? Nope? Who could it be? Ethel and Mo are drawn into
their web of intrigue. After school, JoJo and DC Lucy go into the
Kwik-E-Mart and Lucy "creates a diversion" while JoJo tries to steal
some nail varnish. Yolande catches her though and the resultant
shouting draws Mo into the shop. Mo says that they can't afford to
take the moral high ground as Trinidad is a philanderer. Gasp!
Trinidad and Yolande make dramatic faces. A bit later on, Yolande
goes round the laundrette and tells the ladies off for spreading
malicious gossip. She says she knows TriniDad wasn't cheating on her
the other day as he was in the betting shop with Jim. Gasp! Now it is
Dot's turn to be shocked and appalled. Yolande is still queen of the
snooty facial expression. Amazing that this plotline was resolved in a
sensible, brisk fashion. Well done the BBC!

TriniDad and Jim chat with curly about how bad they feel about losing
all his monopoly money. Curly rubs his hands together and looks
forward to the day when Byrite tries to bank all the faux money. Lee
is suspicious. Curly continues to flirt with Sham over servings of
chips and at one point she gives him a pickled egg, the minx.

Fool stands around begging market traders to take him on. How is that
"retaining your dignity" thing working out for you, Fool? No-one wants
him. He sees the market inspector about getting a stall of his own but
there is a long waiting list, apparently. Fuck knows what happens, but
Fool somehow breaks into someone else's lock up (who has never been
seen before, ever) and runs their stall for them, selling bric-a-brac.
Mystery Person says that he is bored of being a market trader and that
Fool can have the stall and the pitch. What are the chances, eh?
Meanwhile Fool and Drippy exchange more lingering glances and Fool
gives her a plastic bracelet from a xmas cracker that he stole from
the bric-a-brac.

Oh, I am so sick of this Denman/Teen plot. Denman spent the night at
the Vic after Teen-snogging-Lee-gate. Teen is sad. Everyone lectures
everyone else - Teen gets lectures from Mo and O-Den. Denman gets
lectures from Dot, O-Den and LadyDen. Everyone tells them that there
is no point in just sticking together for the sake of it if they are
unhappy. LadyDen says that Teen needs attention. Denman woodenly
repeats "Must. Provide. For. Unwanted. Fictional. Baby." Everyone
tells Teen that she should let Denman go if she is unhappy and knows
that he still wants Shazza. Blah blah blah. At one point Curly makes
an off colour comment and Denman tries to attack him. In the end Teen
and O-Den are having a chat. O-Den keeps saying creepy things like
"I'd give you a baby if I could." Yes, O-Den, we know exactly what you
want to give Teen. Teen is sad that Slutty is not around to give her
advice and feels that she has no-one. O-Den (who is feeding her wine
at this point) says "You've got me." In the end Teen says that she
will do it, but with no kissing. The look of defeat and dejection on
her face is almost enough to make me forgive her the entire last six
months of clinginess and squealing.

MAKE MY, MAKE MY BABY
Poor little Teen has painted dark circles under her eyes and wanders about looking tragic. Drippy tries to get her to talk, but she won't, and everybody thinks she's just pregnant. O-Den slithers over to her in the caff and suggests another baby-making session. You can almost see her norks shrivel at the prospect, and she says that she wouldn't sleep with O-Den again if he was the last man on earth. O-Den points out that in her case, he is, so get 'em out after lunch.

But LadyDen has other plans. She gets Denman to mind the pub while she whisks O-Den off for a day of pampering and unspecified shoppingness. Teen starts casting around for another sperm donor and her gaze lights upon...Lee from The Office! What? Even though he's been wearing the same skanky old Will Young outfit for the past three weeks? I mean, at least O-Den washes occasionally.

Am v excited about CBF's christening now that Villa is the Vicar. Maybe he's got Orac stashed in the vestry. Billy's getting excited too, but then he finds Eeevil Graham's mum's letter by accident and gets tediously moany and drunk again. Fool carries him home. More moony looks in the doorway. Drippy says that she's only an old lady and it's not her fault that her son's an eeeeevil rapist. Billy wants her to promise that CBF will never see his Eevil Granny evah, and rips up the letter. Drippy retrieves the pieces when he's not looking. Oh for...

Dot decides to investigate The Mystery of the Saucy Knickers. Poline points out that there are better things to do with your time, like collecting clothes for orphans or buying new outfits for Betty the Dog. Yolande's fed up with TriniDad moping about Bad Brutha's disappearance and leaving her to run the shop, which is grist to Dot's mill. Glad there are still glimmerings of the evil old gossip that Dot once was. She's been getting too saintly lately.

Byrite notices Curly eyeing up Sham and tells him to have a pop whenever he likes. Demon Child Lucy is studying Scamming, Shopplifting and Skanking 101 with JoJo, with extra classes in Smartarse backchat. She fails to get a tenner off Sham, but does make her feel like an ugly loser. Go go Demon Lucy! PantoJane notices Lucy has acquired skanky rough teen earrings and is sad.

TriniDad and Jim get involved in Curly's quite-clever-actually scheme to get rid of the Monopoly money. They act as Curly's stooges (see what I did there?) and bet the Monopoly cash on a stream of three-legged donkeys in various races, so now Byrite has a wodge of funny money emanating from his betting shop. Like your style, Curly. Curly celebrates by chatting up Sham.

Meanwhile Teen's campaign to nab Lee's precious bodily fluids swings into action. After a day of twinkling looks and checking out with Fool, she sits him down in the caff and offers her norks on a plate, no questions asked. Lee displays an admirable self-control and tells her that other people's pregnant girlfriends aren't his bag, baby. Teen gets desperate(er) and kisses him in the street just as Denman comes out of the pub. Denman goes: "grrr...baby will get damaged by other man's saliva...must smash! Grr!" and punches Lee. Teen carried off by LadyDen. Lee: bemused and a bit sore.

TEEN'S GOTTA HAVE IT
Teen runs into the kitchen and looks for bleach and a scrubbing brush. O-Den follows her and says that she has no other choice but to let him knock her up. She could always choose DEATH, O-Den. Teen squawks that it is disgusting and she doesn't want to hear any more nonsense. Also she says that she just wishes things where back to normal with her and Denman. Hmmm, I might be wrong but announcing that you're pregnant isn't exactly the best way to maintain the status quo. Just a thought.

Denman is looking for jobs. Teen suggests they move away from the Square. Far far from O-Den and his filthy desires. When O-Den finds out, he uses evil reverse psychology to mess with Denman's pretty little head, saying that Teen is ready to turn into a Stepford style Desperate Housewife in suburbia. Denman begs to work at the pub and is given a job. Teen is cross. LadyDen and her wonderbra futilely beg for attention from O-Den and then she gives up and takes Teen shopping. Teen moans about Denman's mother/whore complex and LadyDen suggests using feminine wiles. That's your answer for everything, LadyDen.

Yolande tells Trinidad off for being lazy and not watching potential shoplifter Jojo like a hawk. joJo says "I nevah!" and snits off. Later she steals some saucy red undies from Teen's stall and hides them in Yolande's laundry so that Dot and Poline think she is "racy". Whatever.

Billy and Drippy continue their Adventure in Christeningdom. Also Drippy gets another letter from Graham's Mum and only tells Fool about it. The three of them meet the priest (who is not the regular Comedy Vicar! gasp!). They tell the priest that Freddy was a Child of Rape and he shouts "Unclean! Unclean!" oh not really. He says they are very brave and that they must not be prisoners of the past, Billy.

PantoJane comes back to work: "oh you should be resting" "oh no I need to work and keep busy blah blah blah". Again. She notices that Devil Child Lucy is hanging round with JoJo and neglecting her psychic bond with Devil Child Peter. She tries to tell Ian about it, but he is all smug and patronising and tells her to just worry about herself for once. Well Ian, don't say she didn't warn you when Peter unleashes plagues of unholy hell locusts onto the Square.

Lee and curly are still Byrite's bitches. They notice that Fool hates him and start plotting revenge or something. Curly tries to woo Sham with his big wad of monopoly money but Lee spots him and drags him away. Lee promises that he will get rid of the money. Hands up who believes him. Meanwhile, Sham faces up to the shame of wearing a hairnet and one of those white hats. Byrite comes into the chippy to buy some chips and exchange unpleasantries with Sham. Curly lurks in the corner grinning like the joker. Sham asks if Byrite wants any vinegar and when he says yes I shout "Aim for the eyes!" Unfortunately Sham just empties the whole bottle onto Byrites chips. Byrite makes a pissy face and stomps off so Sham runs after him and throws all the chips at the back of his head. Heh.

Teen and LadyDen return. LadyDen moans to O-Den that he hired Denman without asking her while Teen inexplicably shows her purchases to a pair of complete strangers (one of them might have been the Silent Bald Postman). Teen goes and gets gussied up in a short skirt and a top with special cut-out bits to accomadate her strapping shoulders. She tries to seduce Denman but when that fails she starts chatting to Lee and gets him to buy her a drink. Denman drags her upstairs and Teen giggles at the sauciness of it all. Shut up, Teen. She demands sex and Denman says "No! You're going to be a mother! It would be sick and wrong!" Can someone page for a Psych consult! (yes, ER is back tonight, woo hoo!). He goes away, leaving Teen and her empty uterus all alone. O-Den comes along and says "So, how about it then?" Blech.

(PS. I meant to put the roller coaster of doom storyline on the "worst story of 2004" poll but totally forgot. doh.)

BYE BYE. BABY
LadyDen finds O-Den downstairs at 5am, playing on the smallest pool table in pub history. No wonder Gus keeps winning on it, it's teeeny. More bickering about moving on and not brooding about driving away Shazz and Vickney. LadyDen suggests they try to make some replacements, but O-Den's not keen. LadyDen sulks because she wants babies now that everybody else seems to have them. Say goodbye to that spiral perm then, love.

Teen is rapidly turning into the human equivalent of Velcro whenever she's within half a yard of Denman. You can hear the ripping sound as he makes his break for freedom. Denman reminds Teen that they've got a baybay to think about now, so none of that filthy sex nonsense, then he runs off to play with Byrite. Byrite suggests that he and Denman run the club together - get rid of the girly cocktails...maybe do an Abba night...Denman goes to O-Den for advice and gets told to close the club down. Now that he thinks there's a baybay on the way, Denman doesn't go grr smash as much. Instead he glowers prettily.

Kyert packs her things and sells up at Sophistikyerts. Apparently there was a Salon Selectives shortage in the East End on Friday, and everything was bought up by Jonathan Ross's mum. Sham shuns her in the chippy - well, she is covered in cod batter and not in a good mood. Drippy, Ian and LadyDen all wish her well, and she even gets a quick snog off Denman. Bye bye Kyert! We'll miss you and your ker-ayzay taste in men.

LadyDen gets a letter from Shazz and Vickney, telling her that they're wintering in Florida with Shell, and not to call or write or do anything that might tempt the producers to bring them back. O-Den: face like a cat's arse.

Byrite oppresses Lee and Curly (hhmmm...like that one). Lee notices that Fool hates Byrite - didn't take him long, did it? He's the clever one, you know. Fool won't say why he hates Byrite, and instead decides to pack Backstreet off to look after Maxwell's hammer collection in deepest Chatham, where he'll stay out of trouble. Haven't been to Kent in a while, have you Fool? Oh well. Bye bye Backstreet. Hope you feel better soon.

PJane doesn't want Ian at CJDave's funeral because it'll be difficult to explain him away to the parents. Ian: sad. She turns up later and asks him to help her sort out CJDave's stuff at the secure home. Ian: on a promise.

Denman comes back to the flat from another session with Byrite in which Byrite says he shoulda gone with Shazz and Denman glowers prettily some more. Velcro Teen suprises him with a romantic meal and more "sexy outfits" - blimey - Take a Break's fashion pages have been busy. Denman flinches visibly and says that he'll shag her after the birth and not before. Teen runs out of the house to find O-Den and tell him that it's all hopeless and that Denman will never touch her again. O-Den sighs and says if Denman won't give her a baby, then O-Den will just have to do it himself, c'mon love, get 'em out. A nation retches.

IN THE CLUB
This is one of those really "feh" episodes were it isn't terrible but just nothing much seems to happen. Oh well.

Sham is still rocking the Business Barbie look. She tells Minty that tomorrow is another day, that she's going to sell the carlot and use the money to buy a share in Sophisti-Kyerts, as it is all pink and pretty in there, like the inside of Sham's head. She takes a business plan round to Kyert (printed on pink paper, jay-sus) and Kyert says she'll think about it and sends Sham packing. After she has gone, Kyert confesses to Drippy that is she going back to the police, only it is in Brighton. Drippy thanks her for being a good friend. Ahhhh.

Billy and Drippy decide to have a christening summit with godparents Fool and Teen (yikes, lets hope CBF is never orphaned....) and decide to have drinks in the vic. Drippy doesn't want to as she fears that she might succumb to temptation and take Fool roughly on the pool table or something. Billy talks her into it though and she goes and flirts with Fool while he is fishmonging.

Lee and Curly (guh, we'll settle on a nickname eventually) run errands for Byrite and are generally his bitches. They guess that Fool is getting ready for a date and tease him. Lee is still wearing the exact same will-young-esque jeans and blazer combo that he has been wearing since he arrived on the show. Pooey.

Ian offers sham a job at the chippy but she is all "Oh no, I am a business lady! I only do jobs that real business ladies do!"

Denman is still being a tool and stomping round saying things like "We can't spend any money ever again because of the BABY!!" Whenever teen tries to talk to him he stomps off. Dot tries to use her Sweet Old Lady Powers to make Denman think about being a father but it doesn't work.

Kyert goes to tell Sham that she is going to be a copper again. sham says "Damn you, pig!" so Kyert makes a "whatever!" type face and walks away. Sham is sad and ends up accepting a job at the chippy. Actually Sham was quite endearing in this episode , despite the crappy script.

Denman sees people about selling the club but the lady he meets says she would shut it and re-open with all new staff. Denman is aghast as he must have money for baby. Teen comes round to be annoying, then Byrite comes in and says "I never expected a woman to pin you down." Oh. My. God. could this be any gayer? It's like a 50s film where they aren't allowed to have proper gays and instead have Laurence Olivier talking about preferring eating oysters to chicken nuggets or something. Long story short, Denman decides to sell the club to Byrite and be a partner.

The four parents/godparents of the apocalypse (or CBF) meet at the Vic. Fool makes a typical toolish joke about a christening being no big deal and Billy goes mental, starts ranting about how serious it is to be inducted into the christian faith. Yikes, calm down Ian Paisley. Teen runs into Byrite at the bar and he starts making jokes about how convenient it was that Teen got knocked up the second that Denman decided to run off with shazza. I suppose he's not as stupid as we all thought. Teen squawks that it is all crazy talk and runs off to moan at O-Den that it is all going wrong. O-Den tells her to shut her pretty mouth and keep schtum. Teen runs off and bails on the god/parent shindig. Billy is ashamed of his fundamentalist outbust and goes home too leaving Drippy and Fool alone. He walks her home and they are all flirty and awkward. Drippy looks like she is expecting another kiss but billy opens the door just in time.

COD ONLY KNOWS...
Byrite can't stand the Moonlets strutting around the market and giving him cheek, so he tells Quentin to stop reading his manga mag and do some digging on Small Time Gangsta Google, or whatever they use to provide background filler on new characters. Meanwhile, Fool seems to have got himself a job as a fishmonger. Now, I went out with a fishmonger - admittedly for about ten minutes, but he told me that fishmongery wasn't a skill you picked up overnight; yet here is Fool, monging fish like a pro. How did that happen?

Demon Child Lucy is fed up, and agrees to hang out with JoJo, shoplifting and drinking alcopops on Arfur's bench until she gets bored and goes off shopping with the Bealemeister. Weird kid. JoJo. JoJo is impressed with Demon Child Lucy's burgeoning talent for minor acts of evil.

Sham puts her best gangsta Barbie outfit on and goes to extort rent from the Ferreirazz. Only Adull is in, watching a rather posh little TV instead of manning the phones. He gladly pays over the £20 they owe Sham and says it's good to see her out and about, demanding money with blondeness. Sham fails to hear O-Den call her the "walking dead", but does hear from LadyDen that her share of SophistiKyert's is up for sale. Sham makes that "interested" purse of her lips...

SophistiKyert is in her best UndercovaGangsta Barbie outfit, off for an interview to get her old copper job back. The lady superintendent type is very nice until they get onto the subject of Fill Mitchell. Kyert says she regrets nothin', not even sleeping with Psycho Potato Man, and storms out. Sham offers to buy a share in the nail bar, but Kyert's not in the mood to discuss it.

Speaking of Psycho Potatoes, Quentin discovers that the Moonlets have "crossed" some Johnny Psycho gangster type in another part of London. Somebody who makes Byrite go, "ooooh...not him...". Meanwhile there's a bloke who looks a bit like Tony Bennett wandering around the square, acting like he left his heart in San Francisco and asking after Goddess Pat. It soon turns out that Tony is indeed the Mad Johnny Psycho type that Byrite is scared of. I'm not exactly sure why because he turns out to be even more pathetic than Byrite, being the only London gang lord in the history of gangs who doesn't deal in drugs. Even Byrite sells the odd wrap of coke to the local Poxditch twats for goodness' sake. So anyway, Tony Bennett tells the Moonlets that he'll sort out the bag business, but they have to stay where they are and work for Byrite. Neither party looks all that impressed. I dunno, maybe he thinks that Byrite's Empire of Evil will be destroyed by Lee and Halfwit Moon's hilarious acts of incompetence (just trying the different names for size, FilmFan - ed).

Tedious non-baby crypto nonsense storyline update. Rosie Klebb bullshits about knowing that Teen is pregnant because she's got extra freckles or something. Drippy whisks Teen off to the caff to give tell her that having babies to cement a crumbling relationship is DOOMED, and that somebody with her shoulders shouldn't worry about miscarrying. O-Den tells her to stop lifting heavy objects and concentrate on putting Denman's sperm to work. Teen puts on her best frilly vest, buys a fish supper, and tries to get Denman in the sack again. Denman flinches and makes more excuses. Oh well, at least we didn't have to listen to more pearls of wisdom from Keef tonight. Be thankful for small mercies...etc

THE GINSTER SANCTION
This whole episode appears to take place between the hours of 6 and 8
am while the market is setting up etc. Fascinating!

Fool goes to the police station to spring Backstreet, only to discover
that he has already gone. He mopes around the market, begging for
people to let him work on their stalls. Insert generic rant about the
way that EE characters always expect to be employed within walking
distance of their home. He only earns £2 for his troubles. Ha ha,
sucks to be you, Fool.

Backstreet has been picked up by Lee and Idiot Moon (Fooler? Foolest?
Foolio?), who "borrowed" Byrites car for the purpose. They won't let
him go until he has promised not to grass them up re the Bag of Crime
Storylines - Backstreet says he told the police it was drunken
hi-jinks. They promise that they have disposed of the bag and feed him
a microwaved Ginsters type pasty to cheer him up. It turns out that -
gasp - they have been lying and have instead hidden the bag at the
Moon's Dickensian Flat. Byrite nearly catches them with his car. They
are worried that the Bad Men of Manchester are going to look for them.
Fool catches up with them and tells them off for turning Backstreet's
head with their fancy northern crime ways. Lee tries to lure Fool back
into the shadowy twilight world of credit card fraud but Fool says he
is now too lovable and saintly to do that. Lee and Foolio break into
the Vic and beg Den to give them Fool's severance pay - they then
launder it through a fishmonger or something so that Fool can get the
money without hurting his precious pride. Whateverâ?¦

Yolande and Trinidad open the Kwik-E-Mart for the first time. Trinidad
is sad that none of his sons are there to witness this momentous
occasion. Zzz. Denman is still shunning Teen. O-Den is still hanging
round Teen and being a tool. Also zzz.

Panto Jane shows up to work and Ian tells her to go home and chill.
Jane says she wants to keep busy. Jane is guilty that she shagged Ian
before CJDave kicked off. Ian is conflicted or something and tells all
to Fool and asks for advice. I can't remember if Fool actually gives
any advice but anyway, he immediately runs over to Jane (who is taking
orders for brekkie from the stall holders) and gazes at her sadly.
Jane immediately stomps over to Ian and tells him off for giving away
her secret - she then goes home. Ian is sad. Devil Child Lucy is
sniffing around for some reason so Ian tells her everything too. Good
one, Ian! Lucy uses her hellspawned powers to track Jane to the bus
stop and says "Are you sad about your dead husband? I was sad when my
mummy died too. Will you be my new mummy? I can speak to unholy beings
from another dimension, you know!" (Ok, I made some of that up). Jane
is won over by Lucy's child like innocence etc and goes back to work.

Byrite finds a tell tale Ginsters wrapper in his car and is angry.
Grrr, no-one eats reclaimed meat products in his car! He stomps over
to Lee and Foolio and says they are in big trouble now. Lee makes fun
of Byrite for spitting when he talks (OK, that was quite funny) and
they tell him to fuck away off before they hand him his arse (and not
in a sexy way, either). Fool whimpers that they don't know what they
have just done. Byrite does what he does best - stomps off like a
great big mardy ponce.

THERE'S A BAD MOON RISING
sorry it's late
Poor PantoJane is exhausted, but she's glad that the Bealemeister is keeping his grubby little hands to himself. Kyert offers to spend some time with CJDave while PJane beats herself up some more. Not surprised, love: at least Juhneen got paid for her trouble. Meanwhile, down at Beale's Bodgers, Minty is moaning about Sham's post-traumatic stress and the way she's working through his grubby old sweatshirt collection. AGarry tells him to order Sham down to the pub and have a good time or she has to sleep with him.

Anyway, CJDave karks it, and just as he does, PJane vows to enjoy herself and be happy, just for him. Can't he come back Truly Madly Deeply style and clutter up her living room with his dead friends until she promises never to see Beale and his Midwich brats ever again?

LadyDen is fed up of living in the shadow of Shazza and sets about acting like Angie with the punters. O-Den: not happy. She decides to go and drum up some support for the pub's New Year's Eve party, but is rudely rebuffed by the combined saintliness of Dot and Yolande. But they turn up for the party anyway because the producer told them they had to.

The tedious Moonlet (oh, I dunno...The Asteroid Brothers? Io and Ganymede?) Blue Bag of Destiny plot continues. Not even Lee is sure why Idiot Moonlet hid said Blue Bag in the hastily-conceived Blast From The Past cupboard at Poline's, but they have to get it back before Fool finds out. Idiot Moonlet gets Backstreet drunk and persuades him to break into Poline's while she's out. Maybe Idiot's happy that he's found somebody even stupider than him, but I can't think of any other reason why the World's Worst Actor would make a decent burglar. Dot and TriniDad (back from a secret rendezvous in the plot cupboard, perhaps?) raise the alarm and Backstreet is caught, but only after he has discovered the enormous bag of white powder and scads of used fivers in the bag. Idiot gets away with the bag and leaves Backstreet to the police. Backstreet gets the Nigel/Andy Memorial Special Needs Cell, and Poline mutters about MMartin's choice of friends. A nation goes: "wha??", then shrugs and sighs.

Fool spends most of the ep trying not to cry and asking the Moonlets when they're going to leave. Lee from the Office flirts with LadyDen until O-Den chucks him out. Anyway, the Moonlets are going to stick around for a while. Oooh, maybe we'll get visits from Martin Freeman and the Divine Lucy Davis...

Oh yes, Teen still isn't happy about this fake baby idea, considering she hasn't done it with Denman in weeks. O-Den packs her off to seduce Denman, but Denman comes up with a raft of feeble excuses ("ummm...I'm busy with these bottles...oh no, it'll hurt the baby...I can feel a migraine coming on..."). Teen: sad and worried. I can see where this is leading and I really don't want to look.

Minty tries to cheer up Sham with his lovely smile. Sham strops about and tells him that he's pathetic. This prompts a "You're a Mitchell...etc" speech that galvanises Sham into putting some lippy and hauling her glammed-up arse down the pub. But who should come along, but Byrite, who is finally shaping up into a truly evil piece of work at last. Still about as threatening as a feather duster with mange, but he gets some lovely nasty lines. Sham runs off and cries. Minty: cross. She doesn't deserve him, you know. Why can't he run off with Drippy instead?