LITTLE DENKEY, LITTLE DENKEY, ON A LONELY ROAD
Merry Christmas Everybody! I woke up with dysentery, but poor old Denman and Fool got an even rougher deal. Denman is busy trying to hide his runaway tickets to New York from Teen (see that Shazz? She's got class...no scurrying off to Costa Del Furwank for her. She goes to a city with decent shops in it). Teen: still blissfully unaware that a pleurisy-invoking cleavage and 24 hour limpet impersonations are not the way to Keep Your Man.

Fool wakes up in a van with Backstreet. And he's got a plan. They're moving to Kent to live with Maxwell and his silver hammer collection. Backstreet talks sense for the first time in his life and says he'd rather live in the van.

Poline and Gay Pike prepare for the first Christmas meal ever not cooked by Poline or something like that. Which means it'll be edible for once. The Dolescums are wondering what to do with the donkey that Dumber stole for Demi's Xmas present. In the end, Mickney and Dumber dump it around at Poline's and Gay Pike is happy to get his donkey back...whatever.

O-Den tells Shazz that he wants her to run the pub with and pass on the club to Teen and Denman. Shazz isn't keen, probably because she's got over her Dad fixation now that she's got a brother to fix on instead. Shazz and Denman escape to the house to "get crackers", which is what the young people appear to be calling it these days. Shazz gives Denman a watch with "4evah" engraved on it, and there's a conversation about getting plastic cracker rings from boyfriends and fathers getting rid of said ring. Now pay attention you at the back, this might be Important For Later. Teen's suspicious about Denman and Shazz giggling in corners and humming snatches of On The Town every few minutes, but O-Den tells her she's got nothing to worry about.

Minty's cooking Christmas dinner for Sham, who appears to be wearing his clothes and wandering around his flat, snivelling every time somebody looks at her. Oh get a grip woman, and wash your hair while you're at it.

Fool goes to collect his stuff from the Vic, and Teen helps him carry the stuff over to the Slater tardis. Fool warns her about O-Den and his evil ways, but Teen just flutters and whitters annoyingly. Isn't she cold in that get-up?

Puns about stuffing big birds a-plenty over at the Slaters', where Mo and Pat are circling each other in the kitchen like slightly miffed tabbies. Pat prefers her stuffing up the jacksie, apparently.

PantoJane's getting bored with just looking at CJDave twitching every now and again, and wonders if Xmas dinner chez Beale wouldn't be a better option. After all, the Midwich Twins might get cross with their presents and try to fry Daddy's brain.

So, that's the build-up over and done with. Let's get on with the proper EE Xmas Bombshell. O-Den makes a speech to welcome the family, then presents Denman and Teen with a holiday in the Bahamas. Denman says: "No, sorry. I can't go. Shazz and I are running off to New York where they look kindly on weird crypto-relationships. We might even get a TV series out of it." Shazz holds his hand and looks soppy. Vickney says: "Oh fuck! not again!", and Teen shrieks about being betraaayyyed. LadyDen just looks slightly annoyed that nobody's appreciating her hard work. Teen goes for Shazz, Shazz looks smug and serene as O-Den carries Teen away to have a chat.

O-Den tells Teen to get a grip and tell everybody that she's pregnant or something. That usually works. So she does. Well, it makes Denman stop for a minute, and Shazz remembers that she's Barren. Teen grabs a glass of champagne and downs it in one. You can tell nobody believes her because any properly pregnant woman would have had it forcibly removed from her grasp with a: "You won't be needing that for a while, young lady." Everybody runs off screaming, and meanwhile, Poline, Dot et al are outside, waiting for their Xmas dinner. O-Den tells them that Christmas is cancelled (oooh get the Sheriff of Walford...), and Poline leads the lynch mob over to the Slaters'. Fool is about to get in the cab, when- my my is our celebrity comedian special guest none other than Simon Day off The Fast Show playing the non-comedy cabbie? Wooh.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. Fool is blamed for ruining Christmas by getting sacked by O-Den and forgetting to cancel the pub dinner. So go to another pub, idiots. Actually, if you thought the pub shenanigans were a bit much, Fool's blitz spirit emergency Christmas makes you hanker for more of Denman's poor troubled face. So here goes: he sends everybody over to the Bealemeister's, then steals food from assorted Xmas dinners, including Minty's special goose. Sham gets invited too, but she just snivels and wails some more. Actually, where is Byrite? Still giving Quentin his present? Simon Day gets bored after a few hours and tells Fool that he owes him hundreds of pounds in waiting fees. Fool shouts at Ethel, everybody finds out what is going on, and the combined goodwill of the entire room not only persuades the Moons to stay, but somehow PantoJane gets the idea to shag Ian.

Ok, so that's the Moon plot over with. All we needed was a shot of a full Moon with Shane Richie's crying face underneath...oh no, sorry. Fool and Drippy kiss, and they're about to move in for extra tongues when Billy interrupts, but doesn't see anything suspicious. Next.

Denman and Teen are talking about this "baybay". Denman can't work out how she got pregnant, and accuses Teen of not taking her pills properly. Off he storms, conveniently, so that O-Den can now tell Teen to go and turn the waterworks on with Shazz. I forget the precise physical movements of this, but there's a lot of running between the pub and the flat and the house and back to the pub again. Teen snivels a lot about the little life (not) kicking inside her, and Denman wrinkles his nose adorably. Shazz has her cases packed and she eventually has to make Denman's mind up for him. O-Den tries to get her to stay, and we get an insight into the O-Den/Shazz fixation. Apparently she's the only pure and good thing in his life, and if he loses her, he goes completely eeeevil. Cool! Off you go, Shazz. Denman says he loves her more than Vickney, only Vickney's been listening at the door like a little slyboots, and she decides that she doesn't fancy hanging around Walford and that she's going to take Denman's ticket.

There's a Ferreira cab waiting at the door. Shazz hugs everybody (except Teen). Teen tries to tell them that she's lying and O-Den made her do it, but nobody listens. Denman gives Shazz a plastic ring out of a cracker with "4evah" on it. Fancy that, eh? Shazz leaves...everybody sad. Even Teen because she knows Denman doesn't love her and it's a hollow victory...yadda yadda. Well, I for one can't wait for Shazz's next comeback hairdon't.