OEDIPUS VEX

Imagine yourself at a EE script conference. I imagine these take place in the cellar of some private drinking club. As dwarves in tutus rollerskate between the participants, bearing the drug of choice, plus a stiff chaser, the producers lounge on giant chaise lounges, occasionally yelling with glee as the next shivering scriptwriter is dragged from a softly moaning heap of rags in the corner. The head producer wipes her hands on a runner's Prada scarf and eyes the pitiful figure before her.

HEAD PRODUCER: Which one are you again? Ah yes. We've had to ditch the exchange arrangement with Bad Girls. Jim Fenner made outrageous demands for a believable character that wouldn't immediately sink his career after three shows, so the deal's off. We're keeping Atkins for a bit, but they want the Tall Julie one back. What's she doing right now? Oh well, get her to kiss Minty, throw in a bit of mother/son bonding, and send her back to Brighton. Are we putting the plot cupboard in Brighton these days? How charming. NEXT!

Grateful that she has escaped another ritual humiliation at the hands of Sid Owen, the writer scuttles back into her corner.

HEAD PRODUCER: Who's next then? Chop chop! Time is licence payers' money! Hmmm...this Ben/Cruestella plot. Not quite sure what's going on here, but those On High say that we've got to do some bullying thing. So keep up the good work. What's that? You want to raise the stakes? Fill is going to notice that something's wrong, but he'll get the wrong idea? Speak up!

SCRIPTWRITER: Errr...well, I thought Fill could notice that something is wrong, but being such a dreadful father, would think that Cruestella has it covered.

HEAD PRODUCER: SILENCE! I HAVE AN IDEA. Even better than that, we have a chance for one of those two handers that we usually reserve for Dot and a lucky stooge. Who can we have...think think...

SCRIPTWRITER: How about Dadley? The symmetry between the -

HEAD PRODUCERS: Bald Heads! Yes I know! It'll be like living Gilbert & George, only without the poo. Well, they'll have to talk shit, but you know what I mean. I like the cut of your jib, young...I'm sorry are you male or female? It's hard to tell with those EE-issue uniforms and haircuts. Anyway, not that it matters. Write some stuff about fatherly bonding and up the ante with Stella's torment. How is she abusing him, by the way? Chinese burns on arms? Oh, and throw in an awkward conversation about birds and bees. That'll sort the kid out for another week.

Hang on...I haven't finished with you yet. Since you're such an ideas...whatever...you can also handle the Goggins/Parklife wedding. I want them married by May.

SCRIPTWRITER: I thought doctors couldn't perform weddings...

HEAD PRODUCER: No, not Dr Foxxy, fool! May the month. We haven't had an unfeasibly quick wedding for a while. Make Mrs Goggins decide on 27 April, which is also the anniversary of The Death of St Jimbo. See? I know my Easties lore... That'll give Deano a chance to earn some acting spurs.

SCRIPTWRITER: But...Deano?

HEAD PRODUCER: Nothing too hard, just let him pout a bit over at Atkins's place and do his hilarious drunk acting thing. Carly can do that screwy up face and scream a bit, and the teens'll love it. Make sure he takes his shirt off too. Oh, and give her a cough. I like coughs...

Alright then, who have we got left? Hmmm.... Dadley and JoJo...running out of ideas with those two. Just get her to send him saucy text messages and maybe one of the kids will find it or something. Do 40-year-olds know how to do photo messaging? Must ask my mum.

What else? Oh, Dot and Jim and that baby. Oh I don't know. Can't she come up with some story about it being Nick's? Oh he's had cancer and been in prison forever, hasn't he? How about a ghost baby? We'll rope in the blonde Tanyette and freak out the Beale Devil Children some more.

Oh, there's a point. Prison Bitch Bert. Has he gone blind yet? No? well, get that zombie-faced kid to save him, and get him to the hospital. There's potential in that relationship. We could have another set of Cottons if Dot decides to take her walking frame and go.

sycophantic laughter from the writers' corner...

DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK? That's better. Now...time for pudding...

THE DISCREET SMARM OF THE BEALEGEOISIE
I was out a lot last week so it’s cribbage time again. Sigh.

JoJo and Dadley continue their weird, repetitive and repulsive on/off relationship (though it seems to be more on than off). I can only assume that Dadley is v well hung as I can’t see why else Nurse Tanyah and JoJo would spend so much time fawning over him. Anyway, Duckface has a faux ann summers party and Di Vi Di Li borrows money off Dasbo to buy some pleather undergarments to sell. It all turns out to be a cruel hoax though so Chelski and Duckface can watch her make a fool of herself. That seems a bit much considering they are only fighting over MICKNEY, who doesn’t seem worth the bother, to be honest. The three of them start squealing and pushing each other but then it cuts away before the proper catfight starts. Boring. Nurse Tanyah is also there and Jojo has much angst re Dadley.

DVDLi can’t return the money to Dasbo and @@ is cross, but then it turns out that loads of sad inadequates blokes have signed up to their mail order bride site so they are suddenly loaded. Hmm, are they going to rent out Chelski and GADawn or is this basically a big fraud? Some bloke manages to track them down to Walford and says he is going to come and check out the fictional Olgas for himself. Ruh roh. In other news they think that a webcam of DS Keef might make them money. Trampcam.com?? I suppose I’ve seen crappier websites on the internets

Prison Bitch Bert spends half the week being feckless and irresponsible, while Pat pops up from behind the occasional lamp post to shout “Oi, stop being feckless and irresponsible!” and then disappear again. Ok Bert, if you aren’t going to fuck off back to Emmerdale can you at least cut your hair? That stringy shit is giving me the creeps. The Social come round and Jay is all “yes, I’m v happy here etc and so on” as he would rather even be stuck with Bert than be taken into care. Anyway, one day Jay-Z (Z stands for zombie, of course) is caught stealing a bacon butty from the caff because PB Bert has neglected to feed him his daily helping of BRANES. Doh. Bert has an epiphany, decides to be responsible and gets a job as a street sweeper but he’s still v annoying. Also his mystery ailment reoccurs and he crashes his dustcart into a stall. Let’s hope it’s something terminal.

Dr Fox buys DS Keef a drink and whitters on about sudoku puzzles for a bit as a lame pretext to suddenly squawk, “How is GADawn and her costly womb?? Tell me?? Tell me??” Dr Fox finds out that GADawn has met “someone” in the Cotswolds and immediately starts panicking that her precious baby will be stolen away by a horny handed farm labourer (or stockbroker, seeing as it’s the Cotswolds…).

I am really sad I missed this next bit (honest!) as Ian decides to try and be middle class and has an excruciating dinner party with the other middle class people of the Square (Dr Fox, Smarmy, Dadley, NTanyah). It all goes tits up when they all start going on about GADawn and adoption and the Foxes run off in a huff and Ian gets drunk. Better luck next time, Bealemeister. Bourgeois respectability will be yours one day! Later on it is the anniversary of their miscarriage and Dr Fox whines about her uterus AGAIN

Sdulla helps Ben with his homework. Exciting!

Jay’Z gets one of the Tanyettes to start smoking. Equally exciting!

The rest of the week is taken up with BroJo’s attempts to get into Nurse Tanyah’s knickers. BTW, does it count as crypto-incest if a brother and sister are trying to knock off a pair of spouses? Anyway, BroJo spends the whole time sniffing round Nurse Tanyah and offering to sort out her fusebox (that is not a euphemism, you pervs) at the Hair Patting Shop. It turns out he learnt to be an electrician as well as a sexy brooding psychopath whilst in the army. Nurse Tanyah starts off all “sod off you twerp” but then she changes her mind and is all “boo hoo, Dadley keeps binning me off when it’s time for marriage counselling” and BroJo is all, “You poor thing, tell me all about it… IN BED!!!”

BroJo overhears Dadley whispering saucy come-ons to JoJo on his mobile in the pub (though he doesn’t know it is her yet) like, “wear more self tanning lotion, it really turns me on” and “I love the smell of urinal tablets in the morning,” etc etc. He tries to prove to Nurse Tanyah that the Dadster is having an affair but the seasoned love rat deletes his call history off his phone. Bah! Foiled! BroJo continues to flirt with NT in various ways in front of Dadley, driving Dadley into a jealous rage that causes him to throw BroJo against the wall and say “grr” a few times in a totally non gay stylee. Poor Nurse Tanyah, destined to be fought over by a pair of charmless gingers. Dadley thinks that BroJo is going to do it with NT in the hair shop one night and bursts in to surprise them, but it is all a cunning ploy on BroJo’s part and instead he is doing it with Chelski. Gasp!

GOGGINS A GO-GO OR NO-GO?
Late and short. A bit like Slimy Metrosexual's excuses. But I promise you, as soon as the baybay's born, we'll run away to the Bahamas and get married. I swear.

Just when you think that your internal bullshit detector has reached 11 and won't go any further, the Eastenders scriptwriters send it up a notch. This week, Fill raises his spuddy little head and starts demanding rent off the remaining Parklifes (and Pat), except that Parklife has cleared the business account of all funds. Not even Pat's goddess powers, or Dasbo's Bransonesque entrepeneurial skillz can save them from Fill's hungry bank balance. Instead Carly goes over to Fill's and fixes a car or two so that he can spend some time with Psycho Ben. Well, that was the original idea, but somehow Ben gets farmed out to whoever will have him - even Atkins gets asked, while Fill searches in the plot cupboard for Minty and Agarry. No wonder Ben's evil. Carly shouts at Fill, and the mere threat of her doing more shouting 'acting' is enough for Fill to stomp over to Pat's and let them off half the rent or something. Pat gives a little speech about how Parklife would have been proud of them all standing together in the face of imminent bankruptcy that he was mainly responsible for. Mrs G decides she's had enough and starts packing the Goggins bags for pastures new. Chelski and @@ object, so they end up staying after lots of shouting and pouting.

BS detector reading: 11.7

Psycho Ben tries to get his dad to spend time with him, but Fill keeps wandering off to do something more interesting. Sdulla sits on some Airfix glue, and Ben gets into trouble again, and she flounces off stage right. Then she comes back again the following day and takes him on a trip to the London Dungeon (his choice - told you he was psycho). There is a weird creepy moment when Ben runs into a hall of mirrors shouting for Sdulla and crying about losing her while Sdulla hides behind a corpse and looks strangely evil. It's almost like The Lady from Shanghai - only without Orson Welles...or Rita Hayworth...or decent production values. Somehow this is supposed to mean that they have bonded.

BS detector reading: 12

Nurse Tanyah finds a receipt for some jewellery in Dadley's pocket and is sad because Dadley is obviously cheating on him again. She brings it up at the counsellor's, and Dadley tells her that it was supposed to be a surprise secret necklace but no she's spoiled everything. The next day is Nurse Tanyah's birthday, so Dadley goes to lunch with JoJo in a posh restaurant. The maître d is snooty and asks JoJo if she's old enough to eat posh food. JoJo pretends that Dadley is her dad, and this is her 18th birthday present, and this somehow makes her more attractive or something. Meanwhile NT and the girls make pancakes and bury a dead hamster (with Returned BroJo's help) in the front garden. You start to see Dadley's point.

Anyway, NurseTanyah and Dadley end up in the Vic. NT gets very very drunk, and Dadley takes advantage of her drunkeness to slip one to JoJo in the toilets again. Soon Nurse Tanyah will be wondering why he keeps buying her bottles of Eau du Parazone and asking her to flush when she's ready. NT staggers into the toilets and thinks JoJo is alone. Then in comes BroJo , who starts pestering Nurse Tanyah. Dadley hides in the cubicle with JoJo going, "grrrr...my wife..." very very quietly. JoJo: sad. Because she has fallen in love with Dadley. A nation is mystified. Abi gets a new guinea pig to replace the dead hamster. Let's hope they get hungry Peruvian neighbours, for the guinea pig's sake.

BS detector: 13.987

PB Bert is starting to develop a kind of relationship with Zombie-faced Jay, who is possibly the coolest kid on TV apart from Tracy Beaker. Pat activates her Goddess powers and forces Ian to rent the cute little flat behind the chippy to them. Bert goes to an optician and discovers that he's going blind.

BS detector: off the scale

THEIR BLOODY VALENTINE
Dr Fox is all, “I was disgusted that you shagged that hussy in my house!” Smarmy is all, “I’m doing it for you! So you can have a baybay! It’s no fun for me either, ahem ahem.” Later on Dr Fox apologises and arranges for a night of hot loving with Smarmy (cue shirtlessness to keep Patrick happy). GADawn phones about 15 times while they are Doing It and then leaves a message to say she has gone to stay with her mum. Dr Fox is worried that Rosie Klebb will talk sense into GADawn. I assume she never actually met Rosie Klebb.

Bradley spends the evening in the pub with JoJo and decides that he lurves her again (I can’t really take Bradders seriously any more after Harry Hill pointed out that he is always making faces as though he just farted…) Next day it is Valentines Day and PR Fluffy Lydia sends round a huge stalkeriffic basket and balloon arrangement thing. Bradley gets her a shitty cheapo card and then buys her a manky rose off a bloke in the restaurant when they have a romantic lunch. (Why name a restaurant Fargos?? It just reminds me of Steve Buscemi being put in a wood chipper. Mmm, seconds please!!). Then he dumps her and says, “It’s not you, it’s me!” Yes Bradley – it is you, acting like a real tool. Couldn’t you have waited another few days to dump her? Lydia stomps off to delete all the files off Bradley’s computer at work. Bradley runs around to declare his lurve for JoJo but she is too busy shagging Dadley and tells him to get lost. Ha ha.

Dadley is v unromantic to nurse Tanyah so she arranges a nice meal for them herself and asks Dot to watch the kids (non comedy Vday subplot – Jim pretends to have forgotten and then cooks a nice meal behind Dot’s back, but then Dot shows up with the girls. Jim pulls his patented “dohhhhh!” face). Dadley texts to say he is stuck at work (ie shagging JoJo). What a tool – couldn’t he have waited til the day after? I’m sure JoJo and her lady parts would still be there on 15 Feb. Nurse Tanyah says they have to go to marriage counselling. Then there is some business where Dadley is nearly caught out buying gifts for both his birds and getting the receipts mixed up or something. I think this plot would be a lot better if Text Pest BroJo was still around to glower sexily at Nurse Tanyah.

The Fill/Sdulla/Ben subplot is now in a weird temporal loop like on Star Trek where the same thing keeps happening over and over again. Ben is mean to Sdulla, Sdulla runs away, Fill gets her back. Rinse repeat. This week Babs also goes on holiday.

I quite like dead eyed urchin Jay too. For some reason he reminds of one of the zombie kids from Day/Dawn of the Dead and I certainly hope he ends up killing Prison Bitch Bert and cannibalising his corpse. Anyway, PBBert is all neglectful etc and Jay runs around stealing stuff and bunking off school. Yolande sucks her cheeks in and tries to be a bit parently and tells PBBert when is being a fule (well, more than usual anyway) ie like when he ignores a truant letter, even though it could mean PBBert being back sent to prison and being a burly convict’s wife again. Yolande and Trinidad bribe the miscreants to get out of the house for Valentine’s Day so Trinidad can leer at Yolande’s rack and say “yeah, mon” a few times. Jay gets sick of roaming the streets and goes back anyway and ruins their romantic shenanigans. Later on he finds out he has to go to school and has a bratty fit and breaks something. Yolande says “that’s it!” and says they have to move out.

It turns out that Dasbo is running a Russian mail order bride website. Ok, that’s believable.

Deano is sick of being teased re missing Parklife and makes up a lie – perhaps that he is staying in a house, in a very big house in the country. Mrs Goggins is chatted up by a handsome man in the Vic but says “No thanks, I have a man actually and he certainly hasn’t left me, nosiree bob.” The police come round and say that they have found Parklife’s car at Beachy Head. Everyone is worried that he has killed himself dead (except for me, who is HOPING that he has killed himself dead). Carly meanwhile has pulled herself together and starts running the car lot. Maybe Carly is actually short for Carlotta??? What are the chances etc. Pat is pleased but then it turns out that they owe Fill rent for the car lot and also Carly has to pay for the car she smashed up pointlessly last week. Pat goes to sort out the money but discovers that Parklife has emptied out all the business bank accounts. Everyone is pleased at this sign that he is alive, except for Mrs Goggins who feels more and more like an inhabitant of Dumpedville.

YES SIR, THAT'S MY BAYBAY
My notes for this week have gone astray (probably still sitting on my iPaq somewhere in the Baron's lair), so it's a mixture of shoddy crib and fading memory this week.

You know it's bad week on EE when I start feeling ever so slightly sympathetic for GADawn. Well, now that everybody knows about GADawn and Slimy, it's scarlet letter time. Only GADawn doesn't have that much in the way of embroidery skillz, so she has to endure the pointy fingers of women who should know better. Babs and Mo point to Pat and tell her that GADawn will end up like her if she's not careful. So, let's look at those options for EE women in more detail shall we?

GAD --> Pat: own, mortgage-free house, own business, biggest collection of lairy earrings and giant leopard-print tops this side of Peckham. Houseful of vaguely-related Bennetton brats and Prison Bitch Bert buying you gin.

GAD --> Babs: battered woman, psychotic, spud-faced, prison-dodging offspring with severe committment problems. Assortment of ghastly grandchildren, one of which is a Beale Devil Child. Owns more wigs than Danny La Rue.

GAD --> Mo: living on sufferance in son-in-law's house with assorted grandchildren, friends of grandchildren, great-grandchildren posing as grandchildren. Deals in knock-off turkeys from Suffolk. Has slept with Prison Bitch Bert.

GAD --> Poline: ahhh...the life of a respectable East End matron. Spouse no. 1 dies in prison. Daughter knocked up by two (count 'em) pub landlords and living in Florida. Son dead - and hardly anybody noticed that he was alive anyway. Younger son knocks up a Dirty Jackson, kills Dirty Jackson's fiance, marries Dirty Jackson, divorces Dirty Jackson, gets back together with Dirty Jackson. Ends up dead in MacArfur Park, killed by Spouse no.2 because she never put out.

You decide!

Anyway, in the meantime, Dr SheWolf goes on her own charm offensive and gathers the youngish women on her side, starting off with Phoney. Yep. Phoney's out of the plot cupboard because it's time for the CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD's jabs, and Dr SheWolf needs someone to go down the pub with. In the pub, Dr SheWolf tells GADawn to pack in her job because she doesn't want beer fumes affecting the Dawnlet's IQ or something. Dawn glowers at the nice ladies drinking wine in the corner while Babs tells her (again) that she's no better than she should be, and she's getting fat. Slimy arrives just as Dr SheWolf simpers something about adopting a baybay, and everybody applauds as she tries hard not to polish her halo in public.

GADawn has enough and announces her resignation to Babs. On Elf grounds.

Babs: Elf Grounds? Elf grounds? Strumpets don't have Elf grounds...

GAD: Well I do. ' Cos I'm pregnant.

pub gasps. I mean, who gets pregnant in this day and age?

GAD: (points to Slimy). With HIS BAYBAY!

Dr SheWolf looks busted.

Anyway, it doesn't help GADawn's standing in the community one bit. Nurse Tanyah shuns GAD's custom at the beauty shop, and Yolande gives her that cheek-sucking stare. GADawn gets Slimy to take her off to a hotel for the night, only Dr SheWolf sees them and realises the price she is really paying for motherhood, etc etc. Anyway, Friday's ep ends with her listening to them dry humping in the room next door, and Slimy promising to leave his ghastly, controlling wife etc etc.

Incidentally, has anybody else noticed how unconcerned Prison Bitch Bert seems to be at the death of Straight Pike? He's got troubles (ie, a plotline) of his own, anyway. Because somebody vaguely connected with him dumps his feral-faced hoody grandson on TriniDad and Yolande's doorstep. PB Bert tries to get rid of the brat, who has a great line in hollow-eyed stares and likes nothing better than to stare hollowly at the TV all day. Anyway, I suppose the plot line is all about how PB Bert learns about responsibility and that a life of petty crime and shagging Mo is a Bad Thing. Well, if it lands you with a friend like Straight Pike, you have to wonder. PB Bert also appears to be sniffing around Pat, much to Mo's displeasure. What happened there again?

Parklife's disappearance
Looks like Phil's done a runner - well you always could tell when he was just going through the motions. Carly does a lot of shouty "acting" and loses her job at the Arches. Ends up working on the stall. Atkins gets GADawn's job and is brassy. Deano: sad.

Fill and Sophie Thompson get back together again after Babs encourages him to stalk her. After all, he hasn't had a drippy co-dependent in his life for a while, and he's been getting a bit lonely. Ben starts collecting locks of Sophie's hair and bits of candle wax for the making of effigies.

Dasbo is wandering around with a big fat wallet full of cash, and lots of jiffy bags. I thought he might have secret camera in GADawn's bedroom, and has been selling Dawnporn, but @@ - who I suppose we should now call Libby, but I like @@ even though the key is in the wrong place on my laptop keyboard - finds out that he's been selling stuff on eBay and probably has a purple shooting feedback star by now. He appears to have got around the whole 'over 18' thing by using his dad's bank account. Hang on, Keef has a bank account?

EIGHT GO MAD IN DORSET
After all the excitement last week it is the LAW OF SOAP that this week has to be really shit. First of all, Parklife, Mrs Goggins, their assorted kids, Trinidad and Yolande all use Parklife's prize money to go to Dorset. In December. Right. I think a easyjet tip to malaga or something would have been more convincing but never mind.

@@@ has taken to calling Trinidad “grampa” and has started buying him horrible novelty records saying that there is no one quite like him etc etc. Trinidad pulls gurny faces and eventually confesses that it is all a tissue of lies! All the Gogginses are shocked and appalled but Trinidad says it wasn’t a scam and that he just wanted a proper family after his two idiot sons were written out of the show and everyone miraculously forgot about the whole foster parent malarkey.

Carly and Beano mooch around the village and meet a pub landlord who used to be mates with Parklife and who is something of a silver fox. Carly flirts with him but Deano keeps sabotaging it, possibly because he fancies the landlord too. Anyway, it turns out that Silver Fox is in cahoots with Parklife’s ex-wife/Carly & Deano’s mum, who is played by that hard faced one off Bad Girls who everyone thought escaped but ended up dying a horrible death in a sealed up room or something. Anyway, she contrives to meet the kids without telling them who she is. She later confronts Parklife and he goes “You’re dead to me! Our other son died and you didn’t even come to the funeral! Bitch!” He says they all have to leave Dorset and race back to London, but Mrs Ex Parklife says it isn’t over yet, oh no.

On the way back @@@ finds a pregnancy testing thing – who could it be, gosh gasp???

Meanwhile back in Walford, Prison Bitch Bert has a plot all of his own. Don’t encourage him pls thanks. He goes to visit his dying ex wife in the hospice and takes Pat instead of Mo as presumably he doesn’t want Mo stealing all the morphine and then selling it on at Chloe Becca’s nativity play. Mo is jealous and Charlie tries to be the voice of reason as usual, but as usual turns out to be the rather too high pitched voice of ineffectuality.

They bring Mrs Ex Burt back so she can die on Pat’s sofa. Umm OK – I hope those sofa cushion covers can be dry cleaned. They talk about the past and it turns out that Bert’s daughter also died of cancer without ever knowing about Bert, but that he has a long lost grandson who will no doubt be shoe horned uncomfortably into Walford in the next few weeks. Mrs Ex Bert says she wants to kiss Bert, even though he has an ugly beard (that’s no way to talk about Mo!!) and then karks it. Back to Poline’s reign of terror now please!!!