MARRY ME, SIMPLETON

Vickney and shazza cook a special "no more shower time sodomy" dinner for Den Jr but he hasn't show up by the end of the episode. Teen wanders round asking people what to get for Charlie for his birthday. Dot goes to see the vicar and explains that she has lost her faith. Vicar says "faith is a journey. blah blah blah." Dot: "nice try, homily boy."

Backstreet still has delusions of entrepeneurial grandeur. He goes to see his helium voiced, ironically mulleted contact and buys a load of whisky miniatures. Fool won't let him sell them in the Vic and warns him that he might get into trouble with the law for selling booze without a license. Backstreet: "you're just jealous because I am a master salseman." Moon: "Not." Backstreet: runs off and cries.

Slutty and Moon continue to flirt and gaze dopily at each other while Ethel 2.0 wanders round saying wise, rain man type things. Shut up Ethel 2.0.

Bad Brotha has reverted to his whorin', gamblin', boozin' ways. The John Hannah looking social worker comes round to discuss access and so on but Bad Brutha says "no" for reasons that don't really make any sense. Later him and Dr Perv hug and learn etc.

It looks like Pat used up her quota of bad-ass-ness for the year when she smacked down Ian last night as she has reverted back to wimpy disappointing mode. Ian sneers at her and says that Simpleton will think she was in cahoots with Ian about the catering contract. Pat is too chicken to come clean to simpleton. Later on Baz is mean to her and suggests that she move to Beckton (ewww) to be a housekeeper in a dickensian flop house. Wimpy Pat packs her bags and is all set to move to Beckton but leaves a note for Simpleton first. Simpleton reads the note in front of Baz at the caff and when he gloats about Pat leaving Simpleton gets this totally evil look on her face and says "Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry" and then throws him out without serving him. Awesome. I never thought I would say this but I heart Simpleton. Simpers talks Pat down from the Beckton Bus and forgives her for the industrial espionage thing. After Pat has gone home, Simpleton looks all evil again and grasses Ian up to Fill.

PAT BITES BACK

Well I missed the first five minutes because we were having dinner. But when I tuned in, Dot was still having trouble talking to God. She turns to the power of Pop Music and turns up her tiny tiny radio very loud while reading Genesis (the book, not the band). But no, even Tom Jones cannot guide her towards the light so she cleans frantically until Moomin activates her special Moomin powers and gets her to speak to the vicar again.

All the Slaters burst out of the plot cupboard and storm the Vic for a sangria-fuelled salsatastic celebration of Slutty's return. Fool Moon doesn't think it's a good idea. Neither does Slutty, but she soon gets into the flow, and there is preliminary flirting between Slutty and Fool by the fuse box. OK, Fool is quite convincing and moony. Oh boy.

Simpleton discovers that Ian got the contract instead. She is sad.

Pat does some demon-childsitting for Ian and discovers that he deliberately undercut Simpleton's quote. Oh no! Quel bastard! (I mean, were these people born yesterday? What did you expect?). Ian does the usual EE male thing and blames Pat for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life - like, take some responsibility for being a thoughtless, money-grubbing wanker, for god's sake. Stand tall! Be proud. Anyway, Pat throws his skinny frame up against a wall and squishes him into submission. She then declares her allegiance to Simpleton and departs, earrings swinging majestically in the breeze.

DOT VERSUS GOD

For some reason, Simpleton won’t be able to get any money out of Ian (which sounds like a crock of shit, but what-ev-uh) however Fill still says he’ll pay for her D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Simpleton and Pat think they have a catering contract all sewn up and get Fill to buy them a van to purvey their manky sandwiches around London, however Ian spies on them and undercuts the contract. Also Sham waves her tits around a bit and Ian pulls the string in her back which makes her say one of her 5 Business Barbie catchphrases. This is enough to convince the client to go Bealemeister.

Backstreet sells his tinned food to a pig farm and then skips around like he is Donald Trump or something.

Vickney and Shazza argue boringly and then decide to take in Den Jr when he is let out of the slammer.

Juh-neeen’s evil plots all come crashing down when Bazzer runs into Nat on the street and finds out that Juhneen didn’t give him the message about arranging access to Jack. He gives her the benefit of the doubt but still chucks her out of the house. Grr, foiled again!

Bad Brutha contemplates going on the lam to stop the Social taking the baybay away. Dr Perv advises him not to do it but Bad bro is all “brother don’t preach! I’m keeping my baby!” In the end he stays though and the social workers take the annoying plot device away. Perhaps him and Moomin can form a support group or something.

Dot vs God part XXXXVVVIIII: All of Walford mobilise to get Dot to church. Dot thinks she has lost her special bible and has conniption fits until Jim sees that it is lying on the floor, like really obviously visible. Dot prays in church and is once again confronted by God’s Silence blah blah blah. She runs outside and twitches existentially while Moomin and Jim shout “Dot! Dot!”

THROUGH A GLASS DAFTLY

Dot lies in bed looking tragic while workmen dig up the pavement outside (I see the EE writers have found their “My first book of obvious symbolism” again.) Moomin, Jim and Poline all try and cheer her up to no avail. Babs collects money for her. The vicar comes round with some flowers and tries too. Dot says that when she looks in the mirror she sees an empty shell and that everything is cold and meaningless. I miss a few episodes and suddenly Dot thinks she’s in an Ingmar Bergman film? They pray but you can tell that Dot feels nothing. Nothing! In the end she runs off and has yet another existential crisis in front of the mirror.

Backstreet is still trapped in “Only fools and horses” subplot hell. He tries to sell dodgy tinned food with Vickney. Vickney and Shazza argue about what they would do if rat face Den Jr where to write back to them from the slammer. Shaz doesn’t want to get involved with someone who has done GBH (cough Fill and Grant cough). Later on, Vickney gets a letter from Den Jr asking if he can come and live with them. She doesn’t tell Shazza because keeping things secret always works out really well in soap operas.

Bad Brother is worried that his kid is not being adequately socialised and so joins a mother and baby group, even though he is a bloke! Ha ha ha, imagine the wacky hijinks that will ensue!

Let us consider Juhneen’s outfit – she is wearing a clingy black Avengers style jumpsuit with lace shoulder panels, a belt made of 5 silver chains and has hair all piled up at the front, rockabilly stylee. Awesome. She spends the whole episode haranguing Baz into buying a new sofa (why does she always use her evil powers in the service of interior design? – see also: Billy).

Sham puts on her Business Barbie outfit to start a new job with Ian. Fill tells her he can’t do it. Sham: oh yes I can. The nanny stands up for fill but he still doesn’t shag her. Ian is smug and annoying and flaunts Sham in front of Simpleton and Fill. Sham is annoyed and tells Ian that she doesn’t want to be a pawn. Ian says sorry and gets her cold-calling people asking if they want any scotch eggs. Fill and Simpleton moan about Ian and decide to form a new axis of evil. They meet Ian and Sham in the pub and Simpleton does her patented smug smirk while Fill announces that he is going to pay for her to hire a divorce lawyer.

IAN, PHIL, AND SHREK TOO

Jim calls the ambulance and frets about Dot. The police arrive almost immediately (OK OK I won't start), and one of the PCs also seems to be moonlighting at Sainsbury's according to the latest Jamie Oliver ad. Ma Slater is let out of the plot cupboard so that she can dispense tea and platitudes for Jim at the Orspital.

Nat frets about Dot. Poline arrives to interfere and tell the coppers about Mystery Collector. Dot is ensconced in the EE Room Of Death, with drips and machines that go ping.

Meanwhile, back at the Mitchells, Phil, Minty and a bloke who looks like Shrek prepare to steal Ian's money in the Big Poker Game. Ian arrives and acts like a complete and utter prat but we don't mind because we like watching Phil going interesting shades of puce under the barrage of taunts. Ian goes to the toilet and Phil checks his cards while he's out. The cheating so-and-so!

Barry finds out that Juhneen has been Up To No Good over at the cave and has a go at her. She produces a repaired and re-framed picture of Roy and has a go back. A penitent Barry (fool) apologises and gives her the manager's job. This girl is wasted in an East End car lot - she should be working for Dr Evil or something.

Ian wins stacks of cash and gets very very drunk. Phil tries to call his bluff with what he thinks is a winning hand. Ian carries on taunting him and throwing money around. Then Phil reveals his hand. Ian counters with a straight and pockets the money - so he's now Phil's Enemy Number One. Woohoo...

NO, NOT DOT!

They're bastards, those EE scriptwriters. First they stick Dot in the plot cupboard for months, then they do...this!

Dot is all nervous about her reading (OK, she's a woman of delicate sensibilities, but it's only a bit of Luke ferchrissakes). Then Jim forgets to limp, Babs lets spill about Jim playing in The Big Poker Game, Dot lets rip at Jim and takes all his money. But the letting-rip incident calms her down, and she wows the congregation with her rendition of the Crucifixion - not the Billy Connolly version, obviously...that would be silly.

Various cast members bump into a mystery person doing door-to-door collections for a dodgy charity. All we see is that this person has long-ish hair and a yellow collecting tin.

Juhneen bumps into Mystery Collector first, on her way to Baz-domination. BazCars sells a dodgy hatchback within seconds of opening, and Baz is happy. Juhneen asks to be promoted to manager of BazCars. Baz looks doubtful and goes to the pub, where he meets Simpleton (who doesn't mind smoke and alcohol fumes affecting little Simpers, obviously), who does her "Juhneen is eeeeevil" speech (again). Nat tells Simpers off for being horrible.

Meanwhile Juhneen steals Baz's keys and gets Up To No Good in Cave Evans. She is spotted by Sullen Slater, on her way back to the plot cupboard after a fag break, we presume.

Backstreet mourns his lost Easter Egg empire, but Fool arranges for Ian to pretend to buy the eggs for some dodgy catering venture. Backstreet gets all cocky and decides to aim higher. Fool is sad.

Babs has more cleaning for Pat - the coal hole needs licking out or something. Simpleton pretends to faint, and convinces Pat that she's not offering her a job out of charity, and it would get her out of Babs' clutches. Pat accepts, and lets Babs down as gently and evilly as possible.

Back in the pub, Dot is celebrating her triumph like a true old ham. She returns to the house to collect Jim's hidden money. The door rings. It's Mystery Collector. He asks for some change and a glass of water, and Dot invites him in. Cut back to the pub, where Jim gets anxious about Dot. He returns to the house where he finds the living room ransacked and Dot unconscious on the floor. She'd better not be dead, you EE writer bastards!

JUH-NEEN, JUH-NEEN, JUH-NEEN, JUH-NEEHEEHEEN

Pat goes off for Day Two of Housekeeping Hell with Babs. Babs is really queening it, telling her off for ironing creases in Fill's sleeves, insisting that Pat iron her vile frilly pillowcases, and telling Pat to stop smoking. Pat is sad. Simpleton offers her a job at the caff, but Pat doesn't want her pity.

Little-known fact about Roy no. 1: He was an Archers' fan, and therefore a good bloke.

Backstreet decides to become an entrepeneur (what did I say? Why can't kids these days just go and get a fucking job, eh?). He buys a load of Easter eggs, but Ethel 2.0 puts the heating up and melts them. Doh!

Jim feigns a leg injury to get out of tea dancing with Dot. Yawn.

Bad Bro goes around looking at baby books and hassling Juhneen for rent.

Juhneen cooks and cleans and bustles around Barry, making him very suspicious. He throws her out. She bounces back and persuades him to open up the car lot, "for Little Jack". She kind of spoils the ministering angel bit by giving triumphant little Juhneen smirks every now and again, so that we all remember that she's Up To No Good.

Den Jr. Vickney thinks it's really cool to have a crimmo brother and starts writing to him in prison. Shazza looks worried, but she seems to have stopped the weird mouth action at the end of every sentence - obviously she's seen that Alistair MacGowan sketch.

THE FALL OF BAZ-RAH

Backstreet Moon wafts around the square, buying flowers and dreaming of his night of hot hot lovin' with Kellay. Kellay gets all paranoid when Fool lives up to his name and tries to give her a tenner to "buy something nice". She screams:"Now everybody knows I'm a tart" at the top of her voice and the whole square looks unsurprised. She dons the sackcloth and ashes, and dumps Backstreet. Backstreet is sad. I predict non-comedy teen entrepeneur antics over the next couple of weeks as Backstreet tries to prove that he can earn a Man's Wage.

Baz starts tidying up Cave Evans. Juhneen pops in and out all day, chattering brightly, taking his grey underpants to the launderette. Pat and Simpleton look suspicious. Juhneen looks sly.

We're spared the non-comedy baybay antics in favour of a strange revenge-cum-Furwank-bashing day with Pat and Babs. Babs has asked Pat to do a bit of cleaning. There's a whole load of weird dialogue where Babs forces Pat to agree that Furwank was a bastard and no good and everything he touched turned bad. Pat looks uncomfortable. I mean, she's cleaning for the woman who shagged a kiddy fiddler, ferchrissakes. Babs has a whole pile of ironing for Pat to do tomorrow. Minty (ew) is looking for rent. Pat looks desperate.

Dot gives up her church reading to go Tea Dancing with Jim (for some reason she chose an Whitsun text, so it's probably a good thing). Jim looks sad because he was going to play in the Big Money Poker game with Ian and Fill and Minty and Central Casting (Thugs).

Den Jr antics. Shazza and Vickney go to Rough-as-a-dog Ma Rickman's funeral. Before the funeral, Shazza spends some time mooning over Den Sr, looking wistful in the Vic and wondering if Den Jr will be as bad as her father(dull dull dull). Den Jr doesn't turn up until after the funeral, and he looks waayyyy older than 25. Shazza and Vickney rush to greet him, but then his prison warders appear and cart him off. Well, at least he'll be easy to find...

BACKSTREET BOY BECOMES BACKSTREET MAN

Jim wants to go to tea dances and stuff with Dot but she doesn’t have time because the vicar asks her to read at church. Jesus, how long does it take to prepare for that? Pat can’t get a job and has to swallow her pride and accept a job as Bab’s housekeeper. Fill is still muttering angrily about losing money to Ian. Boo hoo. Get over it, Fill. Vickney finds the funeral notice for Mother of Den Jr and her and Shazza decide to go.

It is Backstreet’s 18th birthday. Ethel 2.0 is so senile she forgets to put half of his birthday cake in the oven and the others are so fucking stupid that it never occurs to them that you could actually cook both halves of the cake non-simultaneously. Fool tells Backstreet that a good way to get laid is to pull someone who is uglier than you. There is a party in E20 and all the EE Teen Muppet Brigade (Asif, vickney, Kellay, MY Gus, Teen) hang around and make fun of Backstreet. He chats up a girl but then she overhears him discussing his “pull ugly bird” theory and runs off. Backstreet is sad. Kellay says that she will do it with him and says “she knows a place they can go”. Backstreet says he is a virgin and Kellay says “no shit, sherlock” and drags him off to a piss stained mattress in an alley behind the allotments.

Juhneen decides to take radical action to get her job back. When Cave-Baz won’t open the door she buys a curry for him and wafts fumes through the letter box which does the trick. The house is piled with crap and broken glass and Baz keeps watching the same 2 second video loop of his kid. It is like installation art gone terribly wrong. Juhneen tidies up , gives him curry, collects post from the car lot, tells him that she is worried about him and that she stopped talking to Rickay because he did such a bad wrong thing. She hugs Barry and smiles her special Juhneen-being-evil smile.

HOUSE OF ‘TARDS

This episode is all about gambling. Oh good. First of all, Jim tries to get Dot’s charity god bingo cancelled (so he can play poker) by saying that the bingo caller has been arrested or something. When Dot starts moaning about all the poor orphans who will suffer, Fool’s halo lights up and he says “We shall play bingo tonight!” Dot sings hosannas to the Lord and everyone rallies round, in the manner of an Amish barn raising, to organize bingo. Simpleton sees that Pat is moping in her room and drags her out to bingo. I miss eeevil shrew Simpleton. Babs has an “elderly blond hag summit” with Poline to try and find a job for Pat and ends up offering Pat a job as her cleaner. Pat tells her to sod off. There are more obstacles to bingo (including licensing laws, a church lady with a smacked arse face etc etc) but Fool saves the day by dragging up. I don’t understand either. They raise money and everyone is happy.

Fill talks to (ugh) Minty about why he hates Ian so much. Is it just me or does Fill have more chemistry with the Mintster than he has with any of the laydees he has been partnered with lately? Bad Bro shows up to the poker game with the baybee but then leaves because people are swearing and smoking too much (at a poker game? Who would have thought it?). Ian is scared because he is stuck with Fill, Minty (ugh) and three other blokes straight from the “Ugly” section of Central Casting. There's a bit of half arsed poker playing and then Ian wins £300 off Fill and sensibly quits the game. All the ugly blokes fuck off and Fill is cross with Ian for harshing on his vibe. Ian goes to the pub and gives half his winnings to Dot’s orphan thing. Fill mutters darkly about Ian while Minty watches, sad that his new boyfriend is such a monomaniac psycho.

Suddenly at the end they cut the House of Baz where everything is lit with blue light for some reason. Baz-ra eats some cold baked beans from the tin, says “grrr!” and then throws the tin at the wall. Ooo! Scary!

KELLAY LADY LAY

Fool starts the episode singing Clash songs and admiring himself in the mirror. He is starting to annoy me again. More lengthy discussions about Backstreet’s virginal status. Fool toys with a ho-card from a nearby phone box. Later he asks if Kellay is willing to show Backstreet a good time on his birthday and Kellay runs off and cries on Losers Bench. She tells Teen that if everyone knows she used to be a hoo-er then she will have to leave town because they will make her wear a scarlet letter on her puffa jacket or something. Teen tells her to chill.

Sham has moved back in with Fill and Babs. When Juhneen finds out she goes and sucks up to Rickay in a blatant attempt to move in to Rickay’s flat. Rickay says no. Baz is still locked in his house. Perhaps he has entered a chrysalis state and is mutating into a terrifying new form. Sham gives the nanny a make-over for her date with Bad Bro (step away from the curling tongs, Sham!) but the date is a bust because Bad Bro keeps phoning home to check on the baybay. Ugh, can I turn over and watch the footie yet? Trini-Dad is packed off to Trinidad for “a wedding” or something.

Jim does lots of illegal fly posting for Dot’s charity god bingo. More talk of the stupid card game on Thurs.

Pat begs Babs for a bar job at the Vic. She sells one of her rings so she can buy a sparkly pink jacket to wear. She can’t work the fancy touch screen till and Fool is mean to her. She overhears Fill, Fool and the Landlord calling her a battle axe and saying they don’t come to the pub to look at an old biffer like Pat. (Pretty rich coming from three of the ugliest fuckers in soap land) so she says “I know when I’m not wanted. I am what I am, I’m my own special creation etc etc” Babs pulls simpery faces and nods wisely. Heh. Fool feels bad and later on Pat cries alone in her bedsit.

WHO PUT THE SHAM IN THE SHAM A LAM A DING DONG?

Pat moves back into the bedsits to avoid being a victim of Baz’s 1970’s video nasty style household tool rampage. She is seeing a solicitor though. Finally. Simpleton is supportive but really needs to sort her roots out.

It is the anniversary of Angie’s death. Shazza and Vickney bond. It appears that Vickney is no longer evil.

Bad Bruvva uses his kid as a chick magnet and gets a date with that Irish nannie. Score! Teen and Kellay are back out of the plot cupboard. Kellay considers going back on the game one last time for Spencer. Gah, I was joking when I talked about hookers a few days ago. Ian and Fool discuss getting a hooker for Backstreet and Ian says that everyone has done it. Um, speak for yourself, whoremonger! Moomin agrees to let Backstreet practise his chat up technique on her.

Sham and Rickay make up and agree to be just mates. Poor clueless Sham cooks a non-romantic candle lit dinner for them and then is surprised when Rickay thinks she is putting moves on him again. They argue and Sham says that being with Rickay back when she was a completely different person was the best time of “her” life. Sham stomps off.

Juhneen tries to make friends with Rickay again but to no avail. Juhneen is pissed off because Baz has the keys to the car lot and is presumably still crying in his room. She can’t go to work and is running out of cash.

IT'S HAMMER TIME!

I miss the beginning but basically it seems that Vickney and Shazza are still going on about Den Jr (god, we know he's joining the cast so just get on with it) and Dot is still non-comedy subplotting about the church fundraising thing. Fool reassures Backstreet that it is OK to be a virgin when you are 18 - they really are going to get him a hooker for his birthday. More threemenandabaybay nonsense. I can't really remember if anything else happens.

Most of the episode is devoted to Pat and Baz. Baz pretends to be nice to Pat long enough to get Pat out of the house and then instantly calls a locksmith. However he can't change the locks before Pat gets home and sends him packing. Pat says "I'm staying bitch so get used to it, yo." Baz pleads for her to move out but Pat says "no, I have to look after you for Roy's sake. Do you want some nice casserole for tea?" Baz stomps off and then creates a mentalist wall chart on the hall wall with Pat at the top as the Whore of Babylon and all her relations underneath with various disparaging things written next to their names. He says that Pat sucked Roy dry but Pat says "Um, not. You sucked him dry by being stupid and annoying all the time and losing all his money and Nat said she never loved you anyway. What do you think of that, fuckface?" Baz says "Noooooooo!" He smashes up the living room with a hammer while Pat grabs her coat and runs away. Baz then realises that he has broken a picture of Roy during his frenzy and starts to cry like a little girl. Excellent!

DAIL B FOR BORING

Umm, Dot has to come up with fundraising ideas for the non-comedy vicar. It is Backstreet’s 18th birthday coming up soon and Fool asks him to think of a present. Backstreet says “A hooker!” (not really, but I bet he thinks it) . Bad Brutha panics when the baybay has croup. Yes, he is all paternal now. Bazza continues to hit the bottle and mutter darkly about how Pat should be burnt at the stake as a witch. Pat moans that she doesn’t know how much more she can take. Get him sectioned, love.

Simpleton moans to scummy landlord that her hot water is broken but he fobs her off with excuses, as landlords are wont to do. When Fill overhears her, he offers to “sort out” the landlord, basically to spite Ian. It turns out that the Landlord (his name is supposedly Minty but fuck that) and Fill are old friends but somehow never noticed each other’s presence in the last year that the bedsits have been a plot feature. They talk about having a poker game and Landlord tells Simper that he will do anything for her now that he knows she is friends with Fill.

Vickney and Shazza agonise about whether or not to write to Mother of Den Jr. Boring. In the end Vickney, with her bold colonial ways, suggests that they go right round and pay her a visit. When they get to the house a neighbour tells them that MoDJr is dead. What a lame episode.

PAT FIGHTS BACK

by Mark
It is the day of Roy’s funeral.It is also April fools Day but Roy does not jump out of the coffin and go "Only kidding!" Pat doesn’t wear any earings but she does manage to incorporate leopard skin print into her funeral attire and also appears to have drawn on her eyebrows with a purple marker pen. At the funeral, Bazzer has changed all the hymns around and, Stalin style, totally writes Pat out of roy’s life history. He also looks really smug while he’s doing it. Everyone looks uncomfortable and Pat walks out. She sees that Barry has defaced the wreath she bought and has also probably eaten some baby kittens and stolen some sweeties from cute babies while he was at it. Babs goes and cheers Pat up. Nat is late because the kid is ill and she has to give her to “a friend” (ie an extra we have never seen before) to look after. Baz shouts at her for not bringing Jack, like, right in the middle of the funeral. Later he hugs Babs and says “I wish you were my new mummy instead of Pat.” Babs: “That’s nice, now let go of me you clown.” Afterwards Pat and Nat have a tense conversation and Nat tells Pat to stand up to Barry.

In other news, Babs tells Fill that he may be a psycho loser but he’s still her precious son. Charlie comes through with an address for Den Jr. via the “dog rough cabbie with slag daughter” (tm Jim) network. It turns out that Fool’s euros were to play an April fool joke on Backstreet and convince him that England went over to the single currency. Muppet Backstreet believes him and then tries to get revenge by balancing a pot of custard against some glasses above the bar. There is tension between Fill and Ian.

They have the wake in the pub. Barry makes them play a tape of Roy’s favourite pianola music (from when he worked in a wild west saloon, no doubt) and shouts at everyone who wants to leave the pub. He tells Ian that he is going to seek custody of Jack. Yikes. Pat shows up for a drink and Baz goes mental and tries to physically stop Fool from passing her a glass of gin and tonic. He is restrained by some burly market workers and there is a really funny scene where he struggles ineffectually, saying “meep! meep!” and waving his fat little fingers at Pat while she says a toast to Roy. I laughed anyway. In the end Baz gets so drunk that Fool won’t serve him so Baz goes to get his own drink and of course the custard falls all over his head. Excellent.

Pat smokes ciggies in her bedsit and looks pissed off. Then she finds her keys to the house. When Baz gets home (having no doubt licked the custard off himself) he discovers that Pat has moved back in and is pottering round like nothing has happened. It would have been better if she had changed the locks too. She says she is moving back in and that is final. Barry twitches psychotically.

TAKE A BATH BARRY

Babs returns to find the door off its hinges, shelves everywhere and Fill sitting silently in the living room, proving what a good father he is by ignoring MiniFill's cries. Fill spends the rest of the ep moping about, being horrible to Moomin and fingering his ring.

This is the filler ep before Roy's funeral, so all the oldies go around mumbling about hymns and Ethel 2.0 decides she wants to be cremated (the number of times the Vic goes up in smoke, she won't have to wait long).

Pat tries to talk to the non-comedy vicar about hymns - at least it's "The Lord is my Shepherd" not bloody "Abide With Me", both my grannies had that, and my uncle - but Bazza sees her and has an only-child tantrum in the middle of the caff. NC Vicar tries to get him to be nice to Pat, but it doesn't work.

Jim decides to go and comfort Barry, who looks bemused, then has a full-on existential crisis on the sofa before calling on Nat to ask her to the funeral.

Simpleton takes it upon herself to encourage Pat to fight Bazza's claim on the will. Pat says no and looks tragic-but-strong.

Poline has obviously learned hard lessons of tolerance and patience, what with one son running off to die in peace, and the other in prison. She growls at Vickney's attempts to find out more about Den Jr and scares her off.

Fool has a pile of Euros and cheeky grin. Yawn.

Fill tells Moomin that her Moomin powers are stronger than she realises. Moomin looks sad and they both stand by St Jaymee's grave, feeling sorry for themselves. Moomin strokes Fill's head. Nooooo Moomin!! Flee from the hypnotic sex appeal of Mr Potato Head before it's too late!

Babs finds out that UKyert is offski and has a go at Fill.