CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DOPE FIEND
Juhneen is sick of Baz running up to her and humping her leg all the time. He suggests that they have a romantic holiday together and says it doesn't matter where they go as they will never leave their hotel room. Vommmm. Juhneen decides to go away with Bad Bro instead and makes up some lie about a friend oop north. Baz says "cool, I'll come with you!" Juhneen goes crying to Bad brother so he dissuades Baz from going by saying that he is too clingy and is going to ruin everything and then runs off with Juhneen himself.

Shirley continues to be annoyed by noisy neighbour. Dadvis thinks that Shirley is playing hard to get.

Fill and Bridezilla worry about whether or not Babs is going to come back from Brasil for the wedding. Hopefully she will come back wearing a fabulous Carmen Miranda style wig with pineapples in it. Fill says he will feel like a big, fat, red, pig face, grunting loser if only Billy and Sham can come from his family (maybe I added a couple of extra adjectives there). They have a brief game of "my parents are more horrible than yours." Kyert says that her dad is the worst parent ever.

Drippy's only function tonight is to squeal over Billy getting his pics in the paper and to take all day to guess one crossword clue.

Everyone teases Billy about featuring in The Most Provincial Local Paper Ever. For no particular reason he tells the whole pitiful story of Shiny Suit Andy to Slutty. Slutty "reasons" that because she hasn't heard anyone in the pub talking about Andy that therefore he isn't a proper gangsta. She goes to confront him in the club and says "Oi, stop bullying my mate, you big bully" Andy looks at her like "this one's got moxie!" Meanwhile, Billy discovers that Mr Byrite Andy is actually Mad Frankie Knuckles 2: Electric Boogaloo and runs to the club to grovel at his feet. Andy tries to look scary for a bit and then laughs all "how I toy with these puny mortals!" He says that he doesn't care about the club and Billy any more but that Slutty is a fine, spirited filly. Or something.

M-Martin spends all day trying to get out of going to the cops to confess all. He "reasons" that because he knows he did a bad thing that that should be the end of the matter. Gay Pike disagrees, unsurprisingly. M-Martin sits on Losers Bench and his bottom lip starts trembling. Him and Fool bond about the horrors of the penal system. M-Martin goes
home and prepares to run away but Poline catches him and plays the all-my-kids-abandon-me card. Martin starts whittering on about how he can't go back to prison. Oh, save it for the judge, grass-hopper. Blah blah, crying himself to sleep in his cell, having to shower cautiously, blah blah. He ends up crying in Poline's arms. If you can't do the time then don't do the crime, daddio!

THE LONELINESS OF THE EASTENDERS BLOGGER
In case you were worried about the possible return of Brookside's scriptwriters to the catering industry, rest assured that they have found a loving home in the bosom of the BBC. A bigger set of naff plot-devices, idiotic character conversions and shoddily-planned denouements has not been seen since Jacqui Dixon shagged Maxie Farnham.

It's a slow news day in Walford: the Walford Gazette turns up to take photos of Brave Billy, who phoned the police when imaginary burglars ripped off the takings. Even the Southwark News doesn't sink that low, fer chrissakes. This prompts a visit from Nice Suit Andy, who elicits a confession over a few beers and then tells Billy that the SkiMask Gang is working for him and he knows that they didn't do Angie's Den. Nice Suit Andy starts blackmailing Billy. Hasn't he got anything better to do now that Mad Frankie Knuckles isn't there any more? Tsk!

Gay Pike is cross with Maryjane Martin for allowing him to take the rap for growing a drug that is no longer classified as Class A, and the amount they were growing could be classified as for personal use only. Whatever. Poline begs Pike not to grass (heh) up MMartin. MMartin promises to mend his ways, then goes out and gets drunk with Scalliq and Asif. Poline is cross and changes her mind. Martin will confess and he will go daaaaaahn.

Scalliq starts hanging around with another DJ and talking loudly about giving him all DJ Ross's gigs. Ummm...wouldn't the promoter have something to say about that? DJ Ross pouts and bitches until Scalliq takes him back. It turns out that the other DJ wasn't a DJ at all, but a clever ploy to win DJ Ross back to Scalliq's side. What is this? A Blue Jeans photo love story circa 1982?

Bridezilla chooses Sham to be her maid of honour for the Miracle Wedding That Only Takes Three Weeks to Plan. Fill rejects Billy in favour of his old friend Minty, who he seems to think is less stupid than Billy. OK. Minty starts booking the strippers for the stag night. Billy is sad, but then he's got other things to worry about.

AGarry is still annoying Simpleton, but in a rather cute way, I think, but Simpleton says that AG isn't what she'd hoped for in a father of her child. What, she wants a weasel-faced, money-grabbing sociopath like the Bealemeister instead? Simpleton goes to see Sullen and says: "Ohmigod he's so annoying! Take him back please please please please". Sullen says: "Shan't", and turns her mouth down sullenly When Simpers gets home, she discovers that AGarry has made a mobile for the Simplet out of table football figures (AG doesn't seem too bothered about the demise of Glen Roeder then). Simpleton changes her mind again, and says he can continue sleeping on the sofa. Lucky old Garry, eh?

GAY PIKE'S LAMENT

A couple of detectives interview Billy about his faux robbery. Billy seems surprised that they are looking for forensic evidence and repeatedly pulls "dude, I am so guilty" faces. He tries to pin it on the mysterious gang and the cops say "oh, that's funny, last time they robbed a bar they broke all the bottles too." billy says "oh yes, they were totally going to do that too but then i scared them off." The dimbo cops seem to believe him. Tidy Spud Clive runs up and, um, grasses up Martin's grass farm again. The detective says he'll send a uniform to check it out.

Shirley never seems to go to the betting shop any more and spends the whole time lurking round her flat and rolling her eyes like Catherine Deneuve in "Repulsion". The upstairs neighbour continues to torture her with loud music (The Datsuns and Feeder, I believe) and is a complete dick when she politely asks him to keep it down. Phone the council, love. Kareena and Ash manipulate Dadvis into going to patch things up with her but she sends him packing again and then her throws her frozen-ready-meal-for-one-sad-single-person onto the work surface in frustration. No sign of adorable fluffy cat.

A-Garry pesters Simpleton and wants to know whether she is going to register the kid as a Bealemeister or a Hobbs. She says she hasn't decided yet. Shyeah right. She goes to the registry office and Garry tries to get time off to go with her. Simpers registers the kid with Ian as the dad (dun dun dunnn!) and has just finished when A-G finally shows up. She says that she registered him as a Hobbs, quickly hides the birth certificate in her bra and bulges her eyes guiltily. Good one Simpleton.

The Moons, Fill and Kyert continue to get on each other's nerves. Kyert has turned into a right annoying snooty bitch now that she is nobbing Fill. Ethel 2.0 "accidentally" puts Kyert's wedding notebook (no doubt filled with doodles of her practising writing "Mrs Kyert Mitchell") through the washing machine. Incidentally is it actually possible to plan and book a wedding in three weeks flat? I think not. When Kyert finds out she has a mentalist episode. Calm down, Bridezilla. Cunning Fool goes round the doctor's (who has a real comedy Fast Show type voice, by the way) with a bottle of wine and happens to mention that Fill is a feared gangsta and moider suspect. Later on, doctor and his uptight wife pitch up at the vic and say that they are going to move into the B&B.

Martin has the final interview with his kiddy probation officer and passes. Mullet Boy appears and says that he has a buyer for the reefer. It is some ginger crusty bloke who doesn't get any lines. There is some malarkey about Martin losing the keys to the shed. Pitiful Gay Pike tries to find a quiet spot to cram read Stanislavsky's entire works in readiness for his drama teacher interview but is always frustrated by noise. Um, don't you have a bedroom, idiot? He moans to Poline that he can't be bothered to go to the interview and confesses that he was sacked from his teaching job on account of being a big gaylord. I should think so too (only joking). Dot cheers him up and makes him go after all. He's having a drink in the Vic afterwards and runs into ol' Tidy Spuds again. TS tells Pike about Martin's dope-arium so Pike runs off to the shed and starts stuffing all the sweet, sweet mary jane into bin bags. Of course the policemen show up and arrest him. Martin sees him being carted off to the nick and looks conflicted.

WORKING ON A SKUNK FARM
Lots of Park action today.

After last Friday's outburst from Poline, Dot resigned her post as manager of the beautiful launderette. This episode's task, should you accept it, is to watch Sonia, Jim and Poline cunningly manipulate Dot into thinking again. It's OK, it only took about ten minutes. Poline makes a picnic. Sonia tricks Dot into sitting with Poline and they duke it out, with chains and mud and namchucks and everything. Dot, exhausted and crusted with mud and unspeakable substances found only in inner city parks - is finally pulled down by her spandex halterneck into a half-Nelson and forced by Ninja Poline to take her old job back.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the park, AGarry is telling Simpleton about his troubled childhood. AGarry's dad cleared off when he was but a nipper (god, he must have been a super-annoying child), and he doesn't want this to happen to the Simplet. Simpleton is troubled. She also secretly wants AGarry to move out because he's annoying her with his blokey ways and smelly socks.

Back in the square. Dr Leroy (for it is he, the new doctor), has a go at Fill about security. Not being Fill and being middle-class, Dr Leroy doesn't think that adequate security is sleeping with a baseball bat and a freshly-loaded pistol in Ukyert's knicker drawer, and wants better locks to protect his collection of rugby shirts and unflattering female undergarments. Fill changes the locks without telling Dr Leroy, who knocks the door down, and Minty into the bargain. Fill says: "You did that deliberate, like! Thass assault that is!" So once again the posh bloke is thwarted by twisted Cockernee cunning. There's some nonsense about the pub flat door being left open - like it hasn't been open for over 20 years Fill - and this makes Fill crosser. I predict more shouting at old ladies...

Reefer madness sub-plot 1: Mafia Martin and Asif gloat over their extremely fast-growing plants that look set to yield about half a joint's worth of produce. Neat Potatoes Man creeps over to the shed and spies on them. Ruh roh!

The Slaters decide to show Sullen a good old-fashioned Slater night out to cheer her up. So, that's a couple of vodkas in the pub, a quick piss-take of Posh's latest wig, a "thoughtful" monologue about love and truth over a curry followed by the airing of a long-held sordid family secret at midnight. Sounds like just what Sullen needs. Off they go to the club, where AGarry is chatting up an unknown woman. Sullen is scathing. AGarry is sad.

Billy is worried about the auditor's visit and tries to think up all kinds of scams to get the money. Several yawnsome attempts that are too boring to chronicle later, he creeps into the empty club wearing a Zorro mask and a big stripey sweater, destroys the video camera, and beats himself up with a baseball bat. Then he calls to police to say: "I'VE BEEN ROBBED"

NB: some of the above isn't quite what was shown on TV - see if you can spot the deliberate mistake, readers...

WHAT DO WE WANT? MORE FLUFFY CATS!
Shirley's cat is utterly gorgeous. She clutches the moggie to her heaving breast as she confronts the handsome new neighbour over all the noise and inconvenience caused by him taking over half the square to lay a bit of laminate flooring. He asks her and Drippy out for a "neighbourly drink", but Shirley looks nervous and says she has to shampoo the cat or something.

Ethel 2.0 is getting worse - she slips cutlery into her bag. Fool is worried. Meanwhile, Fill, Kyert, Mini-Fill and Sham move back into the Vic.

Chez Mitchell, the new couple (The Leroys) are middle class! They wear Boden rugby shirts and serve tea in china mugs. Mystery still surrounds the owner of the boulder houlder bra waved around in Thursday's ep - Mrs Leroy is as flat as a board - maybe its Mr Leroy's. They also make noises about consulting their solicitor and not moving because Psycho Nanny was an employee of Fill's yaddayadda. Fill realises that doing "Fill Mad" pinkness at them won't work, and retreats back to the Vic to shout at Fool for existing. Slutty shouts back, and tells Fill to be nice to old ladies. Fill is stumped.

NC sub-plot: TriniDad gets a "saucy letter" (© BBC EE updates site) from his rum-factory-owner's wife holiday romance person. Jim tries to help him write him something equally fruity - like I care or something.

Charlie: "Where's my money?". Billy: "Here it is...". Yes, of course, he has nicked the cash out of the safe. Billy spends the rest of the ep looking smug until somebody mentions that the auditor is coming in to "look at the books". Oh no!

Dot's micromanagement reaches manic levels. Poline finally snaps during a lecture on professional jealousy and tells her that she and Jim couldn't stand Dot rattling around the place, spying on the neighbours and generally getting under their feet, so they blackmailed Mr Opodopolus to make her a manager. Dot is shocked.

IT'S A RAT TRAP BILLY! AND YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT
Shazza flaps a bit about leaving two grown men in charge of a small club in east London, and then leaves. Hurrah! Denman smiles, ignores the "books" - doesn't anybody use spreadsheets in this place? - and returns from the bookies' waving huge wedges of cash under Billy's nose.

Charlie demands his money back because he's such a crap cabbie, he doesn't get any tips, even in the tourist season. Billy tries to pawn his most prized possessions (a pair of boxing gloves and a fake Rolex), but not even the dodgy "we'll pay money for bits of used soap" market stall will take it. One word Billy: Overdraft. He tries to tell Mo that he's a moron again, but she witters on about something else and once again Billy is thwarted.

For some reason Minty gets hauled out of the plot cupboard for a few seconds, then goes running back in again.

In an act of desperation on the part of the scriptwriter, Denman disappears "somewhere" for a couple of days and leaves Billy in charge of huge wedges of cash. Ruh roh...you got an MPhil in Drama Writing for this, did you?

Nana Moon. Still gaga. Decides that Slutty is a stranger and therefore must die. Fool won't call a doctor and asks Slutty to leave. Slutty is cross.

Meanwhile, back at the Slaters, my husband dubs Sullen's haircut a "Rosa Klebb". Sullen continues with the smacked-arse face and runs off crying every time she sees AGarry and Simpleton with the Simplet. Oh grow up.

Simpleton doesn't like AGarry taking up sofa space,with his big male feet and insistence on having sugar in his tea. She asks him to leave. AGarry is sad. Then Rickay has a go at him in the caff and Simpers remembers what it was like with the Bealemeister threw her out on the streets. She says AGarry can stay for a bit. Surely with their combined income and housing benefit, they could afford a bigger hovel...

Dot...micromanagement hell...charges Poline for doing her own laundry - well get a bloody washing machine, fer chrissakes. Mafia Martin and Asif play loud music and throw beer cans around the allotments and annoy a man hoeing his perfectly symmetrical rows of potatoes.

But what's Psycho Nanny up to? She's got that evil pixie grin on her face, and she's on the phone, talking about "references". She arranges to meet a couple in the Vic, where they talk cryptically some more, and then she trots gaily out of the Mitchell house, dragging a huge suitcase. Bye bye Psycho Nanny. At least you didn't have to leave in Charlie's cab.

Fill and UKyert return from their holiday. The kitchen's in a mess, so Fill goes upstairs to sort out Psycho Nanny. The front door rattles, and in walk the couple from the Vic. They shout. Fill shouts. Kyert shouts. Even Mini-Fill looks a bit put out. It turns out that PNanny put an ad in Loot, rented the place out to Couple from the Vic and ran off with the deposit plus first month's rent. Mean, twisted, and worthy of Juhneen. Bravo Psycho Nanny!

G-MAN VERSUS EVILLYN

By Mark

It appears that Scalliq’s life has no meaning without DJ Ross. Hmmm, and here was us thinking that Adull was the gay one. Scalliq sucks up to all the Ferrieras in turn to try and make them tell DJ ross to forgive him. Kareena and Adull tell him to get lost. Scalliq grovels to Ash at the Ferriera house when DJ Ross turns up and tries to attack him again. Scalliq says “How can something that was so right turn so wrong” (or something). DJ Ross looks confused.

Kellay forgives Teen just like that. Borrrring.

Dot gets on Poline’s nerves with her constant micro-management technique. In the process she forgets that it is arfurs birthday – Poline makes her feel bad.

Billy rings around to borrow money to repay Charlie, with no luck. He has a regular job so how hard would it be to extend his overdraft by £500? What-ev-uh. Shazza decides to go and visit Vickney and leave Denman and Billy in charge of the club. Denman is up to something, getting a mystery address off some random Scottish bloke.

Bazza makes Juhneen go round and hand out leaflets for the car lot. This gives everyone in the Square opportunity to mock and judge her. Slutty says “Ooo, barry! What a score!” Juhneen says “At least I don’t have to share a bloke with my other family members”. One point for Juhneen. Rickay says “I stood up for you when everyone said you were a whore, and now you are a whore all over again!” Juhneen looks sad on Losers Bench and then gets even sadder when Baz proposes lunch at home. Naked lunch.

Fool is in total denial about Ethel 2.0’s encroaching mentalism and says that Backstreet has to keep it secret from everyone, including Slutty. Ethel seems OK and plans a trip out to play bingo with a friend but then gets all confused and starts wandering round like a zombie. Fool goes to look for her and finds her scarf tied round a lamp post – Nooo! Ethel has turned into a piece of street lighting!!! In the end he tracks her down to a park somewhere and they both cry. There is a vast disturbance in the force as millions of lady viewers get all hot and bothered at the sight of Shane Ritchie crying and looking like he needs a hug. (Sarah: not me! No honest. It was just a bit warm, that's all...ahem)

A-Garrry gets home the next morning and finds Sullen waiting for him with her customary smacked arse face. When she finds out that he was with the baybay all night she goes mad and starts yelling (for a refreshing change). Later on she runs into Simpleton in the market and runs in horror. Sullen talks to Slutty and says that she can’t cope with the baybay being there all the time. God, it’s not as if Simpleton keeps lowering it through the window on a fishing line or anything. She has a serious talk with A-Garry and says that she understands that Garry wants to be a proper dad but that they have to move out of Walford. A bit later A-Garrry shows up on Simpleton’s doorstep asking if he can crash for the night. Good move, sullen.

FREAK! (GENETIC EXPERIMENT), LE CHIC! (GENETIC EXPERIMENT)

Ethel 2.0 continues to get more senile (and thus exponentially more annoying). She rubs some vile unguent onto Backstreet's scorched cheeks and keeps losing track of conversations. I vote for euthanasia. Now. Fool and Backstreet plan a holiday (you spoke too soon, sarah) and make concerned faces.

Shazza has run riot with the curling tongs. Her and Denman get a phonecall. It's Vuh-Vuh-Vickney! she is all sad and misses Walford. Shazza pulls a thoughtful face.

Dadvis stomps around and shouts at Ash. As Jim commented it appears that Ash (like early Madonna) is a gambler. I was hoping that his dark secret was that he was actually the same Ash as the one in the Pokemon cartoons and that one day he would run into the house squealing "Look Misty! It's a Bulbosaur!" Ash is applying for some dull job at the youth centre. It turns out that Gay Pike is applying for the same job. Martin sneers at GP. Dadvis tries to apologise to Shirley (who has an adorable fluffy cat, yay! and some nasty ceramic animals, boo! in her flat) Shirley tells him to talk to the hand and Dadvis slinks off.

Billy still owes money to charlie. Next.

Juhneen and Bad Brother talk about Operation Bazinator. Juhneen keeps trying to avoid Baz's sweaty clutching hands. He says they should celebrate, um, something but will only fork out for local partying. Baz drinks in the vic and Pat tells him that Juhneen is trouble and that he should steer clear. Baz is rude to Pat, who pulls classic Pat faces. At the club, Psycho nanny shows up (eh?) for a few lines and Baz snogs Juhneeen for, like, ten minutes. Everyone stares at them and gossips behind their hands at this shocking development.

Kellay and Teen are still not on speaking terms. Teen tries to apolgise but let's face it, she has violated the number one friend rule about not shagging exes. In the end she tells Kell that she can either deal or move out.

It is Sullen's birthday and all the Slaters are sad that she is on her own in poshville. Drippy has the genius idea that Charlie goes and visits her. A-Garrry leaves poignant messages on her voicemail. A_G ends up baby sitting Bobby Freak Genetic Experiment while Simpleton has a drink with Pat. Simpleton witters on about what a great babyfather Garrry is. Pat tells Simpleton not to be over-reliant on him and Simpers basically says "shut your cakehole, hag features". Pat makes more rueful faces. The baybay keeps crying and attention seeking etc and in the end Garry and the baby fall asleep together. Meanwhile, charlie returns with Sullen in his cab. sullen has very shiny, slicked back hair that makes her look like a big ol' les. Sullen is all touched by Garry's birthday gift (an antique bracelet thing) and is all ready to get back together with him , but of course he doesn't ever come home on account of the babysitting. sullen starts crying and makes really scary faces.

THE WHORE GAME: PT 2
The music stops, the bloke with the video camera closes in on Scalliq, who is saying: "What?" as DJ Ross starts with the "Did you shag my sister?" routine. Thinking that he is speaking into a video mobile phone and not to the bloke standing in front of him, Scalliq stammers something about Kareena being insatiable ... and DJ Ross smacks him one.

Cute groom orders the Ferreiras out of the room, but only after Dadvis tries to have a go at Madhur's baldy bloke, and Sasha loses a contact lens while shouting: "I'm a genital technician!" at Madhur ( Mark: and Teen and Kellay indulge in some minor catfightery). Dadvis's girlfriend tries to apologise, then runs off, sobbing. Madhur has a go at Kareena, who runs off to Teen's. Ash gets a determined: "things are going to be different from now on" look on his face. Oh dear. Just get the recipes and run, mate.

Video camera Bloke posts the video off to You've Been Framed.

Meanwhile, back in the skunk farm. Backstreet is toasting nicely under the 1970s self-tanning lamps while Martin bolts his tea. Dot has gone the way of all junior managers and is in pointy-headed overdrive. She gets Jim to deliver a pile of inspirational quotes such as "Put your back into it!" and "99% elbow grease is not enough" to Poline. Martin releases Backstreet from the shed. Backstreet is purple. Everybody laughs.

Now, please don't read this while you're eating your tea, or your lunch or whatever. Baz wears the smile and the stripey dressing-gown of the sexually satiated and he appears to be housing a family of Tribbles on his chest. Juhneen just looks slightly nauseous. Over at the pub, Pat is persuading Nat that her marriage to Baz isn't really over - Nat...why? I mean, even Rickay is a better bet than that slob. So, off Nat goes to see Baz. She finds a trail of push-up bras and huge grey y-fronts all over the house, and Juhneen wearing her best minxy look. Baz is "asleep", apparently, and Nat runs out of the house, straight to Loser's Bench, where she weeps in full view of Bad Brutha. Bad Brutha is "conflicted". Juhneen says there's no going back now, and skips back to Baz's bed. Bad Brutha reaches for the brain bleach, as we all do.

Pa Slater gets a phone bill and wants his money back. Billy is sad because nobody will employ him and his open, honest relationship with Drippy won't allow him to 'fess up to being a fuckwit.

Back to the Ferreiras. Well, they're all back home now. Dadvis has hit the cheap whisky, and is trying to chuck Kareena's clothes out (Kareena at Teen's, filling her in on the family history - apparently Madhur's baldy bloke used to be Dadvis's best friend). Ash starts shouting back in a slightly unreal kitchen sink drama-type way, and Dadvis appears to listen. He collects Kareena from Teen's and Ash makes the tea.

Then, like Freddy Krueger rising from the burning remains of the school boilerhouse, Dadvis returns. Ash is slapped back into place with yet another oblique reference to his shady past that has something to do with him still living at home in his early thirties, and none of them are seeing Madhur because it's Dadvis's house and those are the rules. Dadvis puts on the hated Elvis record, which really is quite, quite awful, and turns it up to 11. For a cheap stereo, it don't half pump some noise. The muffled strains of Love Me Tender are heard all over the Square. Baz thinks he's playing it for his new love; Shirley looks ill and bitter; and Adull cowers on the stairs with Kareena. Teen and DJ Ross wander off together.
(the scenes of the Ferreira kidz cowering on the stairs looking desolate, whilst Dadvis listens to his record and pulls spiteful faces were strangely disturbing)


NB: Mark, please edit or change if you like.

MECHA-MADDHUR VERSUS DADZILLA

The Ferriara's all get ready for the wedding. Dadvis is wearing a nasty sage coloured western style suit. The lads are all wearing glittery beige tunics . Kareena puts on a powder blue sari but Dadvis doesn't like it because Maddhur bought it. Both Ash and Kareena tell him to fuck off and that she'll wear what she likes. Dadvis bosses everyone around while Careena rolls her eyes a lot. Ash and Adull go to the pub and get drunk and surly. Teen arrives - she is pretending to be spending the day with Slutty in Fool's flat so Slutty has to hide up there all day. What an exceptionally dimwitted plan. Teen puts on a nice white jacket, but her lipstick is too dark. They also cut to Maddhur getting ready in a lime green sari - putting on the necklace from the kids with a steely glint to her eye, and Shirley putting on an excessively frilly dress and smiling simple mindedly.

Meanwhile, Ian sets off to Sarf Afrika to visit Kafee. Simpleton hopes that he is trampled by wildebeest.

Dot starts reading a book about Management Theory and tells Poline that she'll have to be appraised and set out her performance goals for the next six months etc. I'm not making this up.

Asif gets his A level results - 3 a's and a P45 (his uni is in Edinburgh - bye Asif!). Moomin gets a B and a C. Scalliq says "ha ha, thicky thicky thick thick!" I bet he has only got an NVQ in scalliness. Fool tells him off and makes a big sparkly cocktail to cheer Moomin up.

Martin takes Backstreet to look at the reefer, man. Pike shows up and demands that Martin come to dinner so he has to lock Backstreet up in the shed. Maybe the magic weeds and ultraviolet light will cause him to gain Hulk style super powers!

Paul overhears Nat talking about wanting to get back together with Baz and is all "Danger! Danger! High Voltage!" He goes and tells Juhneen that she has to shag Baz pronto. Juhneen says "why don't you do it?" (heh) and agonises about being a whore again. Bad Brother: "Yes yes, get on with it." He is even badder than Juhneen. Juhneen gets tarted up, summons Barry and says "I can't fight it any longer! Take me now!" Juhneen looks disgusted while Baz starts slobbering at her face and snorting. I bet he "creams his dry goods" in seconds flat.

They go to the wedding which is at that nice Registry office set they always use. There are random indian blokes wandering round playing bongos and stuff. The groom chats to Ash and tells them that they can't cause a scene. He also mentions that Maddhur specifically wanted the whole family to be there. uh oh. Maddhur is there with some baldy bloke who doesn't get any lines. Sasha shows up wearing a miniskirted suit that is made out of upholstery fabric. All the men are like, Helloooo!!! A-dull: "See, I'm not really gay!" At dinner, Kareena tells Dadvis to stop slobbering over Shirley just to show off in front of Maddhur.

Kellay rumbles Teen's cunning plan and makes Scalliq take her to the wedding.

Shirley goes to powder her nose and Maddhur emerges from the stall behind her. That loud bit from "Carmina Burrana" starts playing. Maddhur says "you look nice, I'm Mrs Dadvis, by the way." oh, she is one cold bitch... Shirley goes out and starts ranting to Dadvis and the kids about the faux dead mum: "what kind of family are you?" Me: "A contrived soap opera family!" Dadvis spots that Maddhur is wearing the necklace and starts whinging on that the kids betrayed him. Kareena goes mental and shouts "Shut up, fool! We lie to you constantly! We all see Maddhur all the time! We all hate your record! Sasha is a prostitute!" (Sasha: "Excuse may! I'm a genital technician!") "Adull is a gimp! I used to go out with Scalliq" (Scalliq and Kellay arrive at that second). "I pity the fool!!" etc etc. Dadvis looks a bit surprised.

to be continued...

IT'LL ALL END IN TEARS (OR A BIG EXPLOSION)
The sole saving grace of this summer's EE is that we haven't had a contrived "Summer Holiday" sequence involving the Teen Muppet contingent. But then, it's only August.

Jim's Special Brew days are numbered Pt 2: Dot gives Jim a book of Walford Walks for his birthday (a hefty tome, I'm sure). Poline and Moomin's cunning plan seems to involve Poline pretending to be ill and selectively losing her memory when it comes to doing the job that she's been doing since 1984. Dot isn't impressed. Then Mr Popodopolous rings up and makes Dot the manageress of the launderette - isn't that Poline's job. Well, Poline doesn't seem all that bothered. So that's that. Dot's back at the launderette and Jim can watch 1980s lady wrestling to his heart's content. Hoo-bloody-ray. Next!

Nat returns on some dodgy pretext, looking for Baz. Bad Brutha heads her off at the cafe and talks really obviously about shattered trust and why people who have split up should never ever ever get back together again because it's a really bad idea. Nat is sad. Then Pat buttonholes her on the way out and gets her to go on a girlie night out with Simpers and Pat. But...but Juhneen has organised a sesh with Baz and she's dusting her cleavage with dazzle powder as we speak!

Kareena: "Dad. Tell your new girlfriend about Mum still being alive." Dadvis: "Shan't". Kareena: "Adull. Tell Dad about Sasha being a 'ho and you being a big gimpoid". Adull: "Shan't". Kareena is sad.

Dadvis takes Shirley the new girlf out to the EE posh restaurant. They ignore a wildly overacting poncey waiter and Shirley confesses that her husband left her for his mini-skirted secretary, with whom she couldn't compete (Mr P muttered something about Cliche Central at this point). Seconds later, they arrive chez Dadvis and assorted Ferreira offspring scatter like stampeding wildebeest at the sight of their father. Cute lecturer bloke pauses to make snide comments about Dadvis's "surprise". It's a record of him singing Elvis songs badly. Shirley kisses Dadvis and Kareena, who is spying on them, makes "Ewwww! Parent Sex!" faces. Aren't you a bit old for that kind of malarkey, young lady?

Oh yeah, Kareena invites Teen to the wedding as "moral support". Teen says she'll go, but don't tell Kellay. Even Slutty says: "You're dooomed! Idiot child!", but agrees not to tell Kellay.

Non comedy Alzheimers sub-plot: Ethel 2.0 goes on about the day being the anniversary of the last time she saw her William before he marched off to war. Alfie gets dressed up in a white tuxedo and takes her dancing. Even Shane Richie looks a bit dubious about this one, and he did Daz adverts.

NC One Idiot and Two Babies sub-plot: AGarry babysits for Simpleton and Nat. Bazlet looks slightly bemused throughout and scribbles on the wall. Simplet cries until AGarry starts singing Bubbles.

Baz sees Nat in the pub, and is hurt that she's enjoying herself. Juhneen tries to turn on the "she's a 'ho!" line, but Baz isn't interested and slinks off home. Bad Brutha announces to Juhneen that yes, she must sleep with Baz. Well DUH!

PS: just checked our stats. Hello to our Canadian reader!

PLEASE COME BACK FILL, ALL IS FORGIVEN

God, EE is boring at the moment.

Everyone wants Dot to continue working at the laundrette, but when Dot leaves Jim alone for the day he ends up sitting in his vest drinking Special Brew and watching 1980's lady wrestling programmes instead of doing housework. Dot says she can't possible leave Jim alone to be led straight to hell by lycra clad amazons and that she won't go back to the laundrette. Sonia and poline decide to hatch a cunning plan.

Azif and Martin decide to recruit Scalliq to sell their mary-jane.

Baz has taken to hiding his kids toys to prevent Nat leaving the house. That's pretty low. She goes in the end though. Bad Brutha and Juhneeen fret that he is going to patch things up with Nat, thus ruining their tenuous plans.

Dadvis is all happy happy joy joy because he has a date for the wedding. DJ Ross asks Teen to go with him again. She says no but then lies about the whole thing to Kellay in order to generate more pointless drama later on. Careena has been temporarily cured of her smacked-arse-face-itis and smiles, twice. Adil (A-dull more like) asks Martina to be his date so he can pretend to have a girlfriend (gay, gay, as gay as gay can gay) but she has an international grand slam tournament or a date hammering nails into men's willies or something and says no. Adull offers to pay her (just to go with him, not to hammer nails) and she acts all offended and strops off. Later on he finds her and apologises and she agrees to go out of friendship. What are the chances that she'll run into one of her clients at the wedding, eh? eh?

Billy tries to track down the scamsters but has got no chance. He is all worried but doesn't let onto Drippy, who skips around looking at estate agents and buying cheap Ikea-oid lampshades. Fool polishes his halo and tells Billy to share everything with Drippy. Billy doesn't. wow, how's that for a cliffhanger.

MEET THE ANTI-DOT
Thursday: Drippy's party goes well, and Drippy gets things going by showing her knickers, and the whole thing is taped secretly by the Muppets. Slutty gets drunk and confesses that she still loves Fool (duh). Fool watches the vid by accident and sees Slutty's confession. Juhneen and Nat get territorial over Baz (mind...boggling). Simpleton doesn't tell AGarry that he's not the farver. Yawn.

So, the morning after the party, Drippy doesn't make enough money at the Slutty Party and so it's up to Billy to make their millions from his "business". The Bealemeister reveals to Billy that the whole thing is a big scam. Billy is sad.

Fool organises a vid and ice-cream night in with Slutty. But then she finds out about that vid, and gets cross with Fool for watching her drunken confession of love. Fool says: "but I wuv you, Kaffleen!" and Slutty cries: "No! No! It's too late!" and runs out like some teenage ...oh I don't know. I'm getting bored with this storyline. Just shag, fer chrissakes and go around making people sick with your loveydoveyness before one of you gets run over by Mafia Martin on a stolen pushbike, high on home-grown skunk.

Now, I don't know about you, but the major weed-growing enterprises that I've seen in my time tend to extend to something a little more sophisticated than a couple of teeny ferns on a allotment shed windowsill under a garden security floodlight. But we have to remember that Mafia Martin is the world's worst criminal, I suppose. So the skunk is up and running, and we just have to wait for the first frost to kill this plot off.

Dot sits in on the Garment Maintenance Support Technician interviews, and they're all hopeless except for a Bible-quoting woman called Doreen who is the Anti-Dot, only more like Poisonous Dot circa 1982 than Nice Conflicted Christian Pensioner Dot circa 2003. Dot hates her, and luckily she doesn't want the job anyway. So it's back to the launderette for Dot. Jim is happy.

Madhur Jaffrey appears again! Hurrah! This time she's doing her endearing clueless parent thing with DJ Ross: "What is the difference between garage and hip?". Kareena tells her that Dadvis is bringing a girlfriend to this wedding and tries to persuade her not to go. Mr P and I shake our heads and mutter: "Doesn't this girl know anything about parent manipulation?
They'll only do the exact opposite of what you say, just for badness." And guess what, Madhur's up for a fight. Kareena is sad. Oh, just grab a lager, sit back and enjoy the fun, you miserable little madam. There's some minor tiff about Adi the Gimp and Sasha, but it's not important, I'm sure.

Juhneen ups the ante in the Battle for Baz, and acts all hurt and useless because Baz has been neglecting her. Nat says she'll be on her way very soon because she and Bazlet are much better now, thank you. Juhneen is happy.

SIMPERS, WE'RE ALL CRAYZEEE NOW
Simpers must have had a frontal lobotomy while she was giving birth. That's the only explanation for her putting a picture of Ian in the "Daddy" slot of Simplet's baby book (note to self: don't get one - they look vile). She moons about the place, looking longingly at the Beale devil children, who look longingly back (maybe there's some demon telepathy thing going on between them and Simplet). Ian is cross and won't let them see the Simplet, but Simpleton bribes them with presents to look into the pram. At the doctors, the EE scriptwriters once again force us to consider Ian's testicles over tea. Stunt Dr Perv tells Simpleton that jumping Ian's bones between vasectomy op and all clear carries a distinct chance of his sperm still being active (eww) and able to make devil children. I can feel my morning sickness coming back...

Ian brings the presents back, plus a few choice insults about Simpleton fumbling with AGarry in the backstreets and how ugly the baby is. Simpers gives up and throws him out. To her credit, she did try throwing Juhneen in his face, but he is having none of it.

And what was AGarry doing all this time? Buying expensive prams and changing the brat's football team position every time he popped up to annoy Simpers some more. Bobby Moore was a defender, not a sweeper, you annoying pillock.

Boring sexy party sub-plot. Drippy gets lots of slutty sex toys delivered to her door. She takes them to Slutty to find out what they're for, and assorted Slater women cackle in a corner of the Vic. This sparks Backstreet's curiousity, and Fool offers the use of the living room for the party, so that he and Backstreet can perv over a secret video recording of...what? Well, it's too vile to contemplate at this time of the morning, to be honest. Billy tries to borrow time on Bazcabs' printer, but Juhneen throws him out to make way for another desktop session with Bad Brutha.

NC crumbly sub-plot. Dot catches Jim trying to steal another "Executive Garment Maintenance Technician Wanted" ad from the Kwik-E-Mart. She surmises (wrongly) that Jim doesn't want her to leave him to get up to non-comedy crumbly mischief with TriniDad.

Reefer Madness sub-plot. Martin waxes lyrical about the joy of peasant labour while Gay Pike does that looking down his nose thing and snipes from the sidelines. Poline gives Martin money for "seeds". Uh-huh-uh-huh.

Nat and the Bazlet arrives on Baz's doorstep just as Juhneen is lining up her cleavage for another onslaught on Baz's libido. Bazlet is sick, so Baz takes the day off to look after him. Then Nat is sick, so Baz tells her to stay in the house and he'll look after her. Juhneen temporarily moves out to the B&B. Bad Brutha is not impressed.

WHO'S THE DADDY!

A-Gary brings loads of teddy bears and stuff around for Simpleton and Simplet. Simpleton makes sour faces and acts all put upon. A-Gary and Rickay talk about adorable babies in the caff and Ian stops by to mock them. Sonia lurks around in the background smiling wisely. There are more hints that Rickay is actually the daddy. Simpleton monologues to the kid that A-Gary is being really good but that Ian is actually the daddy - she must have jumped his bones before his vasectomy was fully effective or something. I don't really like this storyline because it forces me to keep thinking about Ian's testicles while I'm having my tea...

Adil and Kareena pop up for a few seconds to keep the boring fake girlfriend plot alive.

Jim is worried that poline will find a new laundrette assistant thus releasing Dot into the community. He steals the job ad from the Kwik-e-mart window to thwart them. Genius.

Baz gets the divorce papers through and is so depressed that he has to eat loads of donuts. Juhneen tells him that if he signs the papers he can make a start with someone new and points her cleavage at his face. Barry signs the papers.

Slutty doesn't tidy up after herself at the Vic. Fool is too much of a spineless bitch to tell her off but then Ethel 2.0 does in her lovable alzheimers type way.

Asif, Martin and Mullet Boy (who no longer has a mullet but I will never forgive him...) discuss growing dope at the allotment. Suddenly Gay Pike appears and they have to pretend to be talking about cabbages. Pike produces some gardening tools and says "let's plant the cabbages right now!"

Shazza is dragged off to Deptford under false pretences and while she is away Shiny Suit Boy and the Brand New Heavies arrive to question Denman. Denman denies capping MFK. SSB is about as menacing as a glove puppet. In the end SSB says he is pleased that MFK is dead and he just wants to know who it was so he can be sure to send them an Xmas card or something. So lame. Denman says "Oh well, in that case it was me." Suit Boy says "Cool, thanks. By the way it was Fill who grassed you up to me". Denman squints meaningfully.

NO NO PSYCHO NANNY NO
Poor old Psycho Nanny. Her hair now as flat as her self-esteem, she runs out of the house and confesses her bad thing to Zoe, who laughs. Meanwhile Mafia Martin slips out of Kellay's bed, leaving nothing but an old sock and bitterness in his wake. Kellay is sad. She only slept with Martin to make DJ Ross jealous, and DJ Ross was too busy stalking Teen to notice. Teen is conflicted. DJ Ross has invited her to this famous wedding, and if she goes she'll hurt Kellay's feelings by showing her that DJ Ross's love runs as deep as a birdbath.

Juhneen wangles a few hundred quid off Barry for a cheap beige suit and a day's secret roistering with Bad Brutha.

Kyert shows that her police training wasn't all for nothing, and deduces that the reason why Psycho Nanny got into bed with Fill (he told her) was because Psycho Nanny fancied Fill and could possibly be behind all the strange double-crosses and manipulations of the past three months. She and PNanny have a big shouting match where Nanny says that Kyert isn't a fit mother for MiniFill and only she can love Fill the way he should be loved.

Fil goes to see Lady Copper - who should rethink her conditioner; split ends all over the place. Lady Copper smirkingly denies putting a completely obvious tail on Fill - so he tells Denman to stay coolly cool and not blow their cover. Denman squints and twitches methodically.

Sullen refuses to come home while AGarry is there (yawn). Isn't the actress in court or rehab or something at the moment? Anyway, AGarry's gone baybay crazy and buys Simpleton some flowers before giving her a lift home. While he's at the hospital, Slutty screams at poor old Charlie about letting AGarry stay under their roof while Sullen languishes at Posh's house, and moves into the Vic with La Famille Moon.

Well, Sullen's lost her job at the launderette. And Poline is upset because Dot likes being retired - getting up at 11am, spending the day in the pub, spying on the neighbours - and won't take her old job back.

Just before they leave for the Seychelles, Fill and Kyert have to sack the nanny, call the dodgy lawyer to sort out a harrassment complaint against Lady Copper and deal with Nice Suit Man and the Brand New Heavies, who have some questions regarding Mad Frankie Knuckles. Kyert waits in the cab while Fill does some complicated manoeuvre involving exchanging lemon barley sugars that somehow implicates Denman.

I forget what happened after that because the cat started something really interesting in the garden. Oh yeah, Mafia Martin has some scheme for growing cannabis in Arfur's allotment. Poline thinks that an 18-year-old gardener will grow cabbages and hollyhocks...