BELLE DU JO JO-UR
Go Jo Go Jo Girl Detective is obsessed with Shazza and her naughty wrong lusts. She butters up Teen by hanging around making catty comments about Shazza and being vaguely helpful. Shazza is trying to "do the books" at the club while Denman stares at her bosoms. Shazza goes home and stops off at the caff to buy a nice cake first. JoJo follows her in and nicks her mobile phone when shazza drops some papers on the floor. Denman hangs out at the Vic with the Watts Wencheses and rubs his manly thigh against Shazza's equally manly thigh. Disgusting. They all talk about xmas or something. JoJo plants Shazza's phone in Teen's flat so Teen will pick up a message of Denman heavy breathing whilst resorting to self abuse or whatever.

Marcus Bent Lawyer shows up again and entreats Sham to raise money for Fill's mystery crisis. Sham wimpers "I wish I could speak to him. Is he in the country? In prison? Or worse; in panto?" Marcus can't say and tells Sham to liquidise her assets pronto but without telling Byrite. Byrite is busy doing dull drug things. Sham tries to persuade him to buy their house off Fill for cash after wittering on like Linda Barker about putting in laminate flooring for half an hour. Byrite agrees. Woo hoo.

It is the devil twins birthday and there are many ill portents etc. Ian is sad because the presents he bought off the interweb haven't arrived yet. That's what you get for thinking you are no better than you ought to be and not just going to the market like a proper eastender. Pushy Stage Dad Ian moans to Poline that it is political correctness gone mad that a "gymslip mum" like Demi was cast in the nativity play instead of the Lucynator. He unleashes his inner Daily Mail reader and starts wittering on about gays etc. Shut up, Ian. Then, in a story that is positively ripped from the headlines, he tells Gay Pike that he is not being multicultural enough and that xmas is offensive to non-xtians. Gay Pike has an existential crisis amd calls a parish meeting. Ian ponces around gloating that he can get his kids better parts (whilst totally neglecting their real life birthday and while Panto Jane rolls her eyes). At the meeting they all argue a bit about religion and culture etc. It is all very retarded. In the end Drippy points out that xmas is about the birth of a widdle baybay that can save the whole world. Thanks for that devastating theological insight, Thomas Aquinas. They decide to have a nativity play after all.

Billy has to watch the baybay yet again and strops around making gurny faces. Fool tries to cheer him up and Billy starts whining about how it all makes him think about RAPE. Oh for god's sake, anyone would think that Billy was the one that was raped. In the end he says "No! I can't do it! I will never accept him as my own child!" and of course Drippy walks in that very second.