THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD! WHO YOU GONNA CALL?
Sigh, AGarry doesn't call anyone. He creeps around the house making scared faces like Daphne in Scooby Doo and then goes down the pub to get pissed with Billy. While he is gone, the Truant Twinz break in again (btw, if the security in his house is so bad that pregnant 15 yr olds can come and go at will, I'm surprised that he's got any furniture and electrical appliances left in there at all) and set up a new booby trap. While they are in there, Rainman Charlie returns from his hols in Brighton and catches them at it. They run away while he lumbers after them bellowing like a distressed yeti.

Dole Scum Keef has an invalidity/skiving assessment coming up. Let's hope they sentence him to hard labour.

Denman overhears Shazza cooing on the phone to Colin Faux-rell and grinds his teeth. Vickney says she is going to have a proper talk with Dadfriend, finds out the whole sorry story and later accuses LadyDen of being a spiteful, interfering cow. Shut up vickney.

Bunny Boiler Glenn (tm Filmfan - are you happy now? eh? eh?) Farrahs her hair and pops up to whine at MMartin again ("Blah blah blah, I'm a big stalker, stalk stalk stalk"). When he says he hasn't told Moomin yet, she says that she'll tell Moomin and goes round to tell her right then. She doesn't find Moomin immediately and spends the next 15 mins lurking behind shrubbery and making mentalist faces. Moomin has to go on a special residential nursing/plot contrivance course but says she'll commute instead so she can see MMartin and be there for Dot when she gets out of orspital.

DJ Ross is banned from driving for a year. Looooserrrr!

Some tanned uberhunk shows up at the Vic looking for Slutty. Fool thinks he is some kind of crazy man-whore but it turns out that he is just a promoter who arranged with Slutty to meet up and book male stripper evenings. Fool thinks Uberhunk is trying to get into Slutty's knickers and tells him to fuck away off. Uberhunk says that he thought Slutty and Fool were fun-loving and wacky but it turns out that Slutty is married to a sadsack jealous loser. Fool throws him out and the extras in the pub make "cor blimey!" type faces. All together now: Fool = sad.

Dot gets out of hospital. It seems she is completely cured. She has a couple of sweet, yet inconsequential, scenes with Jim and Denman.

Quentin tarantino pops round to visit Byrite for some afternoon delight (skyrockets in flight) and also to tell him that some bloke is selling some bookies or something. Byrite says he will scrounge the money off Sham to buy the bookies. He plots a cunning plan where he pretends he has loads of money and will sign half of it over to Sham. He is expecting her to say "you can have half of my shit too!" but instead she says "cool!" and plans mammoth shopping trips. Ha ha! Byrite tries again and lays on more romantic bollocks and this time Sham falls for it and offers to put half of the Mitchell Mighty Empire in his name. Byrite gets his lawyer to draw up papers but in the meantime Sham mentions it to Minty - he instantly grabs his batphone and phones Bent Lawyer Marcus.

Glenn accosts Moomin by Losers Bench and arranges a girly chat/lunch with her. Martin spies them chatting from his market stall and dashes over at the last minute. He horns in on their lunch and does everything (including tipping water over Moomin) to stop Glenn spilling the beans. While Moomin is changing, MMartin tells Glenn to back off and that he will tell Moomin for sure. Glenn leaves and Moomin is all Moomin Powers Activate; she wanted to tell me something and I wasn't there for her! I'll never get to heaven now! MMartin says he has something rilly rilly important to say but then bottles it and just says that he thinks Moomin should stay residentially on the plot contrivance course. Moomin doesn't seem convinced but says she will go and hugs Martin anyway. Right Martin, you have a week to kill Glenn and dispose of the body!

DAWN OF THE DUMB
Shazza's hungover and ready for a fight with anyone, even Vickney. Teen persuades Denman to take her to see a romantic movie. Shazz scoffs about Denman's inability to keep awake for anything that doesn't have Vin Diesel smashing up at least four cars and shouting a lot. Denman scowls prettily. Teen looks like somebody's messing with her favourite Ken doll.

Backstreet's all: "Slutty Slutty Slutty...shall I do Slutty's laundry? Where's Slutty? Is she coming back soon?" until Fool screams "Enough!" Backstreet: sad. Fool: sadder. Ethel 2.0 has a "thoughtful" expression. Or it could be trapped wind.

MMartin finds out from Poline that Moomin is out shopping with Glenn Betty Boiler. His "aaaaagh" expression is quite funny, but I don't see Betty anywhere. Glenn and Moomin return from Up West, laden with shopping bags, and nobody asks to see what they have bought. These producers live on Planet NoShopping, don't they? And anyway, isn't Moomin supposed to be learning how to be a nurse and not skiving off to shop with weird stalker women? Glenn manages to invite herself to dinner, and Moomin presents MMartin with a new mobile. Glenn says something like: "Now you can keep in touch with your Own True Love - ie me and not Fat Bird over there". Moomin's moomin sense is still not working. Must be Glenn's hair blocking the vibrations or something.

BB has a suit on. He gets a package to deliver in Byrite's Merc. On the way to the car park he bumps into the Truant Twinz. I think one of them calls him "Sambo" - where are these kids from? Eltham? There's some nonsense with the package, and BB discovers that he's trafficking DROOCKS! What did he think he was doing? Kidney transplants? BB goes back to Byrite and tells him to stick his evil kiddy-killing job and Byrite offers him a job as ninja kitten trainer or something. Meanwhile Yolande is trying to persuade TriniDad to let BB work in the shop. TriniDad says that BB is a no-good drug peddling Juhneen-shagger who shouldn't be allowed near a chiller cabinet. BB overhears and decides that training kittens for Byrite might be a bit more fun than being cannon fodder in the Kwik-E-Mart.

The Truant Twinz show an unhealthily comprehensive knowledge of the film Poltergeist for ones so young and spread Mickney's hair gel all over AGarry's living room. AGarry is spooked. As is Billy. Now, that wasn't exactly hard, was it, kiddies?

Denman "has it out" with Shazz. Shazz asks if Teen makes him happy. Denman replies: "Well, I'm happier than you, Mrs Hangover. Get over yourself, will you?" Shazz wobbles her chin in despair, and then she starts checking the punters for wedding rings. One bloke is not only ringless, but looks a bit like Colin Farrell's older brother, and he's in the mood for cheezy chat-ups with orange women. Denman spies Shazz flicking her hair at Colin across the bar and tries not to grrr too loudly.

DULL-OWEEN

Billy decides to have a lame "Mr and ms" couples film quiz in the Vic
to give away free membership to the videoshop. You mean people have to
pay for the privilege of renting 3 yr old films? It is specially
designed to a) make single people feel like sad pitiful losers and b)
to "subtly" reveal the states of people's relationships.

Kareena and Mickney decide to tell her idiot brothers about their new
found lurve. DJ Ross and Adull giggle and make "ew, gross!" faces,
because apparently they are 8 years old and think that girls have got
fleas or something. Kareena wants Mickney to have words with Juley. He
does and Juley instantly apologises and says he did them a favour by
making them realise that they lurve each other. While he is trying to
be manly, Mickney breaks Juley's Elizabeth Duke style goldie looking
chain. Later he announces that he is going to open a jewellery stall
with Juley (called "Lord of the blings" whatever). Kareena makes hacky
faces as it seems she wanted Mickney to thrash Juley to within an inch
of his life for dishonouring her.

Ian takes PantoJane for lunch in the Park of Contemplation and they
smile sicklily at each other. Vom. Suddenly Ian gets a phone call and
has to dash to Kaffee's side for something. Bye Ian! He gives some
chocolates to Jane as a thank you present before he goes and she
smiles and strokes them lovingly.

Betty Boiler Glenn lurks around in the caff and chats to Poline about
Betty (Run Betty! Run like the wind!) and to Jim about Moomin. While
Mmartin is away, she goes round to their house with a bottle of wine
to thank Moomin and they drink it while Glenn grills Moomin about her
past. She makes mad faces a bit and then tracks Mmartin down to the
Vic and tells him that he only married Moomin out of guilt for killing
Jaymee and that she's not going to let him be trapped and throw away
his life like that. Martin makes a face but who knows what emotion he
is trying to express?

Agarry is mean to the Truant Twinz in the caff (and calls Demi
"Dummy") . They hear that Billy is lending a super scary horror film
to Agarrry and decide to play loads of tricks on him so he thinks his
house is haunted. So lame; I bet AG is glad he came out of the plot
cupboard for this. He joins the quiz with Minty as his missis but
Minty can't take the homophobic abuse that follows and strops off.
Garry goes home to watch the film and then has to tip toe round
looking scared while the brats try to escape from his house. Zzzz.

Byrite notices that Slutty is gone and spends the whole time mocking
Fool and trying to find out when she will be back. Fool is sad.

It is lame unfunny banter a go go at the pub quiz. Teen makes lots of
hateful comments about Shazza being single and thus unwelcome at
couple-fascist pub quiz but Shazza decides to go along and sit with
Teen and Denman anyway. Teen and Denman don't know any of each other's
favourite films (Denman's is Raging Bull fact fans, and Teen's is
supposedly Scream but I am guessing it is actually Barbie Swan Lake or
Dirty Dancing or something.) Shazza knows all of Denman's answers. Do
you see what they're trying to do there, anyone? Anyone? In the end
the Dole Scums win and Teen is sad for being a loser. Shazza says
"It's only a game." Yes, the game of lurveâ?¦.

HUNTINGDON'S 101
Now, it's not often that I'm reluctant to write this blog, but this week has nearly made me pack it in for good. It's fun letting rip about the odd bad episode if the rest is quite good, but this current vein of pure 18-carat ordure is getting more than fucking tedious. Anyway, whinge over. Let's get on with it.

CJDave has Huntingdon's - a hereditary degenerative disease that hit him ten years ago, when he married PantoJane. Neither event is related, they assure us. PantoJane gives us the lowdown on caring for a loved one and she discusses the meaning of Life with the Bealemeister. Ian looks uncomfortable and says that contrary to popular opinion he isn't a complete arsehole 24/7, and if PJane wants to take up his five minutes a week of basic humanity with some counselling, she's welcome. Oh, it's the "I don't mind being friends..." speech of total desperation. PJane fails (again) to head for the hills, and instead tells him that she's in love with him (eh? what is it with Ian and Fill and women?), but she's staying faithful to CJDave until he pops off this mortal coil. That'll be next week then. Probably another comedy seduction scene.

Speaking of non-comedy seductions, Mickney and Kareena try to discuss him telling Gus who told Juley about Kareena's virginity in a houseful of Dolescums. They retreat to Mickney's bedroom. Mickney explains. Kareena loses her cherry while the family are downstairs, probably watching Corrie if they've got any sense. Oh, and apparently Keef is a chess whizz.

Quote from the BBC site: "Mickey and Kareena share a cosy post-nooky moment". Gag.

Martin comes home with a bunch of flowers nicked from Arfur's allotment, and finds GlennCloser The Betty Boiler chatting to Moomin. Betty the dog must have gone with Poline to Auntie PlotDevice, thank goodness. Moomin explains that Glenn fainted in front of a passing truck. Glenn keeps trying to hold Martin's hand; Moomin's Moomin powers are set to "heal" and not "Danger! there's a Betty Boiler in my house!". Martin glares at Glenn through slitty eyes and rolls his eyes a lot. Every time Martin suggests that Glenn leaves, Glenn goes "ooh...I've fallen...", and Moomin offers her medical diagnosis of Glenn's falling sickness - Glenn's pregnant, apparently. Open heart surgery's in the second semester is it?

Glenn makes pointed remarks about marrying the first man who comes along not being a good idea. Then she mentions that her boyfriend is married and called Martin. Martin nearly falls off his chair with the glowering. Moomin's powers register a disturbance in the Force, but then she's distracted when Glenn falls over again or something. Martin glowers some more and sulks about not being able to take Moomin to see Bazz in Saturday Night Fever. Don't worry mate. Mark says it's rubbish. Finally Moomin goes out to FerreiraCabz to order a cab to Wimbledon for Glenn. So that's where the Wombles went, eh? Into Glenn's casserole...

Martin shouts at Glenn. Glenn witters about Sonia being really nice, and maybe they need to be cruel to be kind and tell Moomin. Ruh roh!

Martina persuades DJ Ross to use his DJ Shouting skillz to good effect in the cab office. Well, shouting "Cab for Rosie at 11pm" can't be that different to what he does when he's DJing. DJ Ross looks sad and defeated. I have officially run out of care...

(JULEY WOULD) LIKE A VIRGIN
Billy and Minty are worried that Byrite and Sham are coming back that day. Billy has bought a wedding present for Sham and is going to suck up to her so that she will like him again and he can talk her into stopping Byrite killing Minty. Billy? Using his brain? The end times they are a-coming and that's for sure. Billy tells Minty to keep in sight of witnesses so Minty goes to the Arches. Perhaps someone needs to look up "witness" in the dictionary. Minty phones Agarry but he is locked in the Plot Cupboard and can't come out to play. Minty looks anxious. Mate, you are in a room full of pointy power tools. Get a clue. Meanwhile, Sham gives a box of Ferrero Rocher to Panto Jane as a thank you present ("Why Senora Gangster Barbie, with these chocolates you are really spoiling me"). Byrite immediately sets off on business but assures Sham that soon he will be back so they can do what newly weds are supposed to do (go to ikea?). Billy pops up and gives Sham some tasteful cut crystal thing (was it a vase or a glass set? who knows... or cares?). Sham says he can't get round her that easily so Billy says he was just trying to protect her... family... sorry.. blah blah. Sham forgives him so he asks her to stop Byrite from smacking Minty's bitch up. In the Arches, Byrite appears and says he has come to wreak retribution on Minty. Minty grabs a lame piece of metal to defend himself. Dude! Power Tools! Tarantino and two "tough looking" sidekicks appear and start man handling Minty but then Sham appears just in time to save him. The minions shuffle off and Sham tells Byrite off for wanting to beat up Minty.

Juley prepares for his date by buying a crappy "as advertised on TV" chick flick music CD (ie dido and gabrielle o rama) and some nasty looking cheap pink wine. Kareena and Martina chat as Kareena tries on various skank outfits. she tries one that looks like an aquamarine bra with curtains sewn onto the bottom but then wisely puts something else on instead. The date is going well and they are "getting jiggy with it" as the young people say nowadays, when Juley spoils it by saying "it's a good job I'm taking your virginity instead of Mickney, never send a boy to do a man's job, etc." Verrry smooth. Kareena strops off.

Ian chats with Kyert and she encourages him to woo Panto Jane some more. He skips around the caff being scarily cheerful and helpful. Backstreet has a cunning plan for saving meeellions of pounds on their condiment bill but Ian says he has to do a proper business plan for it - come on Backstreet, even Sham can make spreadsheets! -Ian keeps trying to apologise for the other day but Jane doesn't want to talk about it. Rosie Klebb comes in with the dog and Jane nearly picks a fight with her on dog/hygiene grounds (watch out for the retractable knife shoes!!) but Ian stops her. Rosie just wants to tell Keef that the dog is agrophobic. WTF? How fucking pointless was that? Mickney comes in and moans about messing things up with Kareena so Ian starts reeling out all these smug platitudes about hanging in there until the chick comes round to his way of thinking. Jane grabs him and drags him into the backroom and tells him to give it up because nothing is evah going to happen. Ian says he can tell that Jane is digging the Bealemeister and that he can be patient. Jane eventually admits that she is married and Ian turns from Bealemeister to Bale-meister and strops off. Jane follows him home and keeps saying "You don't understand" while Ian accuses her of messing with him. In the end she says he should meet her hubby. They go round to CJDave's hospice and Ian looks uncomfortable/contrite while Jane introduces them.

Betty Boiler Glenn spends the whole episode lurking around, hiding behind market stalls and generally stalking MMartin and Moomin. MMartin plans a surprise evening out and entrusts Mickney with the task of getting tickets to Mama mia but they end up having to go to a different shit musical instead (Saturday Night Fever?). Glenn stares through their kitchen window, follows Moomin into the Plastic Nail Detective Agency etc etc. She lurks behind Moomin as Moomin is about to cross the road and is looking left and right like a good Tufty Club member (showing my age there). GlennCloser does something as a truck approaches and the EE director attempts to generate suspense through the power of editing. Surprise surprise, Moomin hasn't been pushed under the truck, Glenn has swooned instead. Moomin shouts "Student Nurse stroke Moomin Powers activate!" and takes charge of the situation. When MMartin gets home later he finds Moomin and GlennCloser sat together in the living room. Ruh roh! (or alternatively "Threeway!")

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED VS DEMI AND DUMBER
Mucho apologies for being late. Work...admin...stuff...couldn't get near a computer...blah.

The Dolescum Twinz are still skiving off skool and causing trouble around the Square until Rosie Klebb-Dolescum corners them in the caff. Demi sees the Midwich Beale Twins giving her womb-a-like hacky looks and swears revenge. Later the Dolescums steal some money off the Midwich Twins, shielding their eyes I suppose. PantoJane overhears them mumbling alien curses in the Twinz direction, and tells Ian that the Twinz have met their match in evil. Ian goes over to the Dolescums and gets into a shouting match with Rosie, who tells him she has an O-level in Fishwifery and nobody slags off her kidz blah blah. PJane says: "Yeah, well I've got an A-level in Snooping and Interfering Studies and I know all about those new laws that Nice Mr Blunkett has brought in to deal with troubled teens so watch it, Missus". Ian realises that she is indeed ripe to be Mrs Beale no. IV, and confesses his love. PJane runs away. Sensible woman.

Ethel 2.0 notices that it's gone quiet all of a sudden and wonders where Slutty has gone. Fool: sad.

LadyDen tells Denman that she made Dadfriend chuck Vickney. Denman goes: "Oooooooh! wouldn't want to be you when she finds out", and exits, giggling. Vickney doesn't find out. LadyDen; phew! for now...

MMartin feigns a headache to get out of an afternoon with Dot. Dot says the orspital is full of sick people and she hates it, by the way. Instead he decides to sort out GlennCloser once and for all, and meets her in the club for a drink. I think Glenn Closer turning up in full-on niteclubbing gear in the middle of the day is supposed to alert us to her mentalness. MMartin tries to be nice, but Glen swishes her abundant hair about and witters on about babies and relationships and stuff. MMartin tells her he never wants to see her again. Glenn sobs, then looks up, dry-eyed and EEEEEEVIL! Excellent! What'll we get? Turnip-tops on his pillow at dawn? Little Betty the dog in a pie?


what else? Oh yes, the Ferreiraz. Everybody's going LOSER! at DJ Ross. DJ Ross sulks until Martina persuades Adull to let him person the phonze. DJ Ross: "I'm a blinging hip hop garage DJ! Blinging...etc DJs don't need jobz!". Adull: slightly relieved.

Juley pretends to like Captain Corelli's Mandolin so that he can get into Kareena's knickers. There's a mildly amusing moment between Kareena and an Aussie barman with overprocessed hair. Err...that's it.

KAT-ERNITY LEAVE
Some workmen digging up the road cut through a cable and cause a Square-wide power cut. Perhaps this is symbolic of something but who knows what? Minty is hiding in the arches pit when it happens and assumes that Byrite's minionators have cut the power like in Aliens. Get a grip, Minty. He looks for jobs as a long distance lorry driver. You can't leave, Minty! The lady viewers will be sad!

Ian is cross because his catering empire is useless without electricity. Panto-Jane has an idea and sets up a barbecue so the hungry denizens of Walford can be fed burgers made out of ground-up cow bollocks. Deliceuse! Ian continues to attempt to flirt with Jane but she rebuffs him in a jokey thigh-slapping stylee.

The Truant Twinz bunk off again and spend the day trying to steal stuff and hiding from Rosie Klebb. A school official comes round and explains to Rosie that she could be sent to prison if the Twinz don't attend school. Rosie finds all the school letters in Boy Twin's bag and is furious. She says she will personally drop them off and collect them from school and what's more, they can't watch telly for a week. Demi sucks up to Dole Scum Keef and cries and says the other girls bully her for being a slagggg who got knocked up. Keef says he will try and square things with Rosie and the Twinz make high five signs, the hateful brats.

GlennCloser appears and traps MMartin before he can hide in the caff bogs. She demonstrates her unfeasibly wide smile - it looks like she has got a flip top head, people, and browbeats MMartin into meeting her in the club tomorrow. MMartin - you are as weak as a kitten and dumber than a bag of hammers. Just tell her to fuck off!

Fool spots Slutty chatting to the horny handed electricity workers and instantly assumes she wants filthy 4-way action with them. He admits that he is being really stupid and is damaging their relationship, but he just can't help it, dammit. Slutty's face is very shiny and air-brushed looking, btw. She says that all the jealousy is tearing them apart and that she is going to make him appreciate her by going away and having her non-existent baby. She leaves in a cab and Fool is sad. Come back soon, Slutty!

The fucking Ferreiraz are sick of living together. The flat upstairs suddenly becomes available (what are the chances, etc... oh, I don't even care any more...) so they go and view it and decide to move in and do extra taxi work to pay for it. DJ Ross is waiting for a club promoter to call him back but he doesn't get the gig. He moans at Scalliq for being a shit manager and wonders what happened to their non-gay non-romance. Scalliq says he is happy being a cabby now and that all the DJ stuff was crazy talk. DJ Ross goes to the Vic and starts hitting the bottle. Martina comes to find him and tells him it is sensible to have a back up source of income while he is trying to make it as the Talvin Singh for the new millennium and also that he needs a thick skin to handle rejection like she has got. Martina, you have got a thick leathery skin from spending too long in a tanning booth but never mind. DJ Ross agrees and sets off to work but then a copper sees him coming out of the pub and acting like a spazz and busts him for drink-driving. Doh!

Billy finds out that a) Minty is thinking of joining the French Foreign Legion and b) that he lurves Sham and they end up having a fight where they accuse each other of being pathetic losers and worms who are not worthy of grovelling at the feet of the MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER MITCHELLS!!!! They have just resorted to fisticuffs when that Byrite minion who looks like Quentin Tarantino comes in and mocks them/gloats about Minty's impending punishment. United in their loathing for Byrite and Quarantino, Minty and Billy decide to be friends and to be there for Sham when it all goes pearshaped and she needs them to kick ass etc. Go go go Team Loser!!!

SHAM-PAIN RECEPTION
Byrite and Minty exchange some unpleasantries outside the church and then everyone goes back to Walford. Carnival Babsita del Rio spots Kyert and runs over, never mising a chance to be shrewish and bitchy. she slaps Kyert and tells her off for giving Mini-Fill away to Squeaky and then shagging Denman. She advises Kyert to get out of Walford, pronto. Kyert tells her to fuck away off and says that if Babs hits her again she'll flatten her. Byrite tells one of his henchlings to keep Minty and Billy away from Babs, so Minty conspires with Fool to get Babs alone upstairs.

Meanwhile, Ian flirts with Panto Jane, but then she runs away when it's time to catch the bouquet. Martin gets more scary txt messages ie. I LIKE YR SUIT, YES IM STALKING U, BEHIND UUUUU!!! He runs around looking for GlennCloser and then dashes his phone to the ground in frustration - it still would have been easier to put it silent. Moomin starts to notice his erratic behaviour, finally. Rosie Klebb catches the bouquet but DSKeef shows no interest in marrying her.

Babs and Shazza insult each others hair. Yes, you're both right. Shazza has had a few too many Bacardi Breezers (Shazza + Drunk acting = comedy gold) and insults Vickney's Dadfriend. Vickney is sad. Shazza says "She's just a girl!" and Dadfriend says "She looks like a woman from here" and stares at Vickney's rack. Ew, perv-o-rama. In the end Denman drags Shazza outside to calm down and they have a tortured crypto-incest discussion. Denman says he was worried Shazza would reject him and Shazza can't admit that she wouldn't have done so. They go back in and apologise to Dadfriend, though later on LadyDen gets Dadfriend alone and tells him to end it or else she'll grass him up to the Fashion school and he will be arrested by the Fashion Police. Speaking of the fashion police, Vickney appears to have several dead squirrels stapled to the collar of her dress. What's that all about?

Minty manages to get Babs to shut her big cakehole long enough to describe all of Byrite's evil schemes. Babs goes "Grrr, I knew Sham was thick!" She tells Sham off for being a failure all her life and for throwing away the precious Mitchell fortune and summons Marcus the Bent Lawyer to get all the businesses taken out of Sham's name and to have Sham declared mentally incompetent (probably). Sham cries "You can't blame me for stuff I did when I was Daniella Westbrook! It's not fair!" and runs away to cry. Byrite comes in and asks to speak to Babs alone. Babs says "You can try but I'm too brainy to be fooled by your fancy talk!" Byrite then proceeds to fool Babs with his fancy talk - he says that Billy is a big loser and that Minty is only jealous because he loves Sham himself and that Marcus approved the office development plan for tax reasons and that Byrite is really rich anyway and that Sham is trying really hard and that Babs will destroy her self esteem if she doesn't let Byrite rip Sham off. Babs says "oh, OK then" and goes to apologise to Sham. sham "You always thought I was rubbish!" Babs: "No, I didn't!" Sham "Cool!" Byrite mentions to Minty that when he comes back from his honeymoon he is going to have him killed painfully or something. In front of lots of witnesses who probably know what is going on with Minty/Sham/Byrite. You're the best criminal ever, Byrite! Babs fucks off back to Rio but not before "playfully" mentioning to Byrite that if he does rip off Sham then she will come back with her big gay sons and beat the shit out of him - ie. this is probably going to happen next year. As she drives off in the cab she looks at her phone "thoughtfully" as though she is going to phone Fill anyway, but then doesn't. Oh Babs, you disappoint me!

BBBBBAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBSSSSSSSSS!!!!
It is the day of the wedding. Fool and Slutty mope around as the caterers arrive. I am not going to make any sarcastic comments about the way Slutty spends the whole episode standing behind a box because anything is as preferable to a "Slutty is pregnant, is Andy the father???" storyline. Byrite stomps around with his evil minionators saying that nothing must stop his dastardly plan of marrying Sham and then tying her to a railway line until she signs over her deeds. Meanwhile there is much awkwardness between Denman and Shazza (whose hair is reaching "My Little Pony" levels of hugeness/plastic-ness) while Teen skips around oblivious. Shazza is cross that Denman is going to be Byrite's best man and refuses to have anything to do with the wedding. Backstreet is cross with Kareena for not teling him about Kellay. Kareena is actually wearing trousers instead of a microskirt for once. Vickney says she will bring Tommy to the wedding. Trinidad and Yolande hear that they have an offer on the other half of their house. Bad Brutha says they will only blow the whole lot on porcelian giant dogs like last time so they decide to invest it - and, lo, the Kwik-E-Mart goes on sale that very second. Whatever.

A minivan full of burly rugby players arrives and Babs gets out inexplicably too (avoids making obvious "I wonder if she's the hooker" joke). I am pleased to say that Barbara Windsor is looking very well and is wearing a resplendent beehive type hairdo for the occassion. She goes round to Sham's (where Sham is in the process of getting an invisible hairdo off LadyDen) and says rude things about Sham's bouquet etc etc before saying "... but it's your wedding". Babs prepares to get her bitch on when she discovers that LadyDen is, um, Lady Den but then calms down when Sham says that LadyDen had nothing to do with the anti-Fill scam. LD offers to do Babs hair too but Babs says she will will do it herself (ie get it out of a box and staple it onto her skull...)

Babs goes to get a cup of tea. She goes on a stroll round the Square and puts her foot in it for not realising that a) Yolande and TriniDad are married and b) that Dot has cancer. She is super nice to them and invites ebveryone to the wedding but don't worry it doesn't last long. She is mean to Billy, shouts at Ian for buying the caff and goes mental when she sees the burnt out husk of the snookerall (I thought it was half way to being remodelled by now - silly me). She goes to the Vic to catch up with Fool and Slutty (and accidentally invites Rosie Kleb to the wedding while she is there). There is some awkwardness re: Slutty and Byrite's failed nuptials but Babs never really finds out what happened.

Rosie is cross that the Dole Scum Twins are truanting for about a second before saying they can all go to the wedding. They can't get a cab and so end up going in the ice cream van instead. We also discover that Dole Scum Keef is not actually married to Rosie, but she keeps hoping that he will in the end. Great - another sodding wedding storyline on the horizon.

Byrite is scared that Babs will talk to someone and discover his dastardly scheme so he sends Minty out to keep her quarantined. Byrite discovers that Billy has already spoken to her but Billy won't say what he said. I realise that I can never remember any of Billy's scenes because I am too busy trying to see what videos are in the videoshop - this time Gosford Park and the Fellowship of the Ring are prominently displayed even though they are both a few years old. It is the video shop that time forgot!

Babs tells Sham off for selling the caff and blames herself for letting poor blonde Sham try and be in charge. Sham semi explains the whole falling out with Billy. Byrite shows up and meets Babs - Jesus H Christ! What is Babs wearing??? It is a sort of peach coloured flapper dress with feathers or wierd fronds or something round the neckline. Babs, just because you live in Rio doesn't mean you have to buy your clothes form transvestite carnival dancers. Byrite is super smarmy and charms Babs. Babs thinks Byrite is just the one to take Sham into hand so she can throw away her Business Barbie outfits and not have to worry her pretty little head about being a gangsta any more.

They all go to the church. Minty tries to get in the car with Babs but has to swop cars at the last minute. He makes a gurny face and goes to mope in the pub with Billy, Shazza, Fool and Slutty. Billy tells Minty to buck his ideas up and get his arse down the church. Go Minty! At the church there is mass confusion and pandemonium as Minty isn't there to tell people what side to sit on. The vicar makes a snide remark about Byrite being jilted the last time. What a bitch. Vickney shows up and, as widely predicted, her boyf turns out to be a middle aged Ben Elton look-a-likey. Babs runs into Moomin and Martin and makes a snide remark about Dead Jaymee. Good for you, Babs. Minty motors to the church but is run off the road by the DoleScumMobile and crashes into another bloke's car (who doesn't get any lines, even though his shiny red car is totally fucked and he just polished it and everything). They do the vow things at the church. As they get to the "no just cause and impediment" bit there is a crash at the back of the church. Who could it be?? Actually it is only the DoleScums. Fooled you! Meanwhile Minty runs as fast as his little legs will carry him. Run Minty! Run! He finally gets to the church but it is too late. Byrite has kissed Sham and trapped her in unholy satanic troth!! Minty makes another gurny face as though he is thinking to himself: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

EASTIES UPDATES XTRA: BAZZERDAY SHITE FEVER!!!

I Just thought I'd report back on the stage show of Saturday Night Fever - I took my boyfriend as a birthday "treat" and it has lots of EE crossover as 1) Kym "Bytch" Marsh (aka real life Bride of Jaymee) is in it playing drunken stalker loser
"Annette", and secondly BARRRYYYY is in it playing the seminal role of "DJ Monty" (or DJ C**ty, as I soon mentally christen him); a role so seminal that it doesn't actually exist in the original fillum and was invented especially to keep Bazrah in the public eye where he so clearly belongs.

The show itself is undemanding fun and is basically an excuse to horn as many BeeGees songs, sparkly lights and dance routines into two hours as possible. There are vague resemblances to the film: Tony (here played by a nasal young stud with hair like Silvio from the Sopranos and a wide selection of uber-gay high waisted dance slacks) works in a paint shop and enjoys disco dancing. A bloke commits
suicide after knocking up his girlfriend (and singing Tragedy - I think he actually killed himself because he had to sing it without doing the timeless Steps dance moves). It is set in New York (we can tell this because people keep saying things like "D'you wanna cup of cwoyfee" in really bad accents). There is racial tension and a "rumble" of some kind and plenty of dancing, which could even be described as "fevered". I should add that I was quite drunk when I went to see it, which probably helped too.

I was looking forward to thinking of mean things to say about Kyim but she is actually pretty good. She is probably the best singer in the whole thing and her acting and dancing were perfectly adequate. I was expecting her to be the main girl, as she is the most famous, and so was a bit confused when it ended and she still hadn't done the dance contest with Tony or copped off with him. Oh well.

Bazza/DJ C**ty is the compere of the disco contests. He wears a vile curly wig that makes him look like a Fast Show Scouser, stack heel shoes that make him mince around like a demented 1970's gaylord and a variety of retina searing, skin tight outfits. Whenever he sings or dances he pulls the same kind of horny sex bison faces he used to make whilst licking Juhnenn's disgusted face. His role consists of really
lame things like telling everyone to turn their phones off at the beginning and to get up and dance around for the lite-entertainment type disco medley at the end. Also he has a couple of lame non-comedy relief scenes where he plays (kill me now) a horny aerobics instructor who fondles ladies' lycra clad bosoms whilst making hilarious sex comedy faces. Why? For the love of God! Why? It took all my strength
of will not to shout "slip on shoes!!!" during any of his scenes. I think the producers had the concept of "vaguely repulsive, pitiful, comic relief" and instantly thought of ol' Bazzer. Surely it is only a matter of time before he is doing this kind of thing at the end of a pier. Preferably that one in Brighton that has burnt down/fallen into the sea/been ravaged by crazed seagulls etc.

BEDTIME FOR BOZOS
This week, the producers have mostly nicked their ideas from that Bedtime series of plays about couples talking in bed. You know, the one with Sheila Hancock in it. And it's all about Trust - again. Hmph, trust Mark to get Babs' return while I'm stuck with this...

DON'T YOU WANT ME
Sham's having prenuptial nerves about Babs, and moaning about how Babs thinks she always gets things wrong. Well, let's face it Sham, it's not as if you've ever gone out of your way to prove otherwise. Sham admits that Minty proposed to her and Byrite laughs. Sham says that Billy says that Byrite's only after her money. Byrite tries to look pained and just ends up being shouty and slightly threatening instead. Then there's some kinky stuff with the charity shop wedding dress, and all is on for the wedding of the week. To be honest, I spent most of their scenes wondering who chose that godawful wallpaper.

DON'T FENCE ME IN
Chez Moon, Fool is in his West Ham pyjama top, but no bottoms to excite the women of a certain age, no doubt. Slutty has to sit down a lot because she's that far gone; and the camera tries desperately to show her in headshot at all times so that we don't marvel at her bump. They're all giggly and cute at first, but then Fool's insecurities come rushing out in a tsunami of Fool-ness. He can't get Byrite out of his head, and thinks that Slutty's going to run off with the first punter who smiles at her because she's still a Jezebel. He's been spending far too much time with Ian, breathing Ian fumes...

NATAL ATTRACTION
The Moomins have a new mattress, which they are about to test when Moomin makes a joke about parent sex. MMartin loses his wood, and stares guiltily at the pictures of Arfur and Poline in various states of married bliss on the wall - some of them quite artily framed for Poline. Moomin dozes off.

CRYPTO-INSANIA
Teen is about to jump Denman's bones, when Denman gets a call from Byrite, which he takes on the landing. Shazza fluffs up her hair and dons her best M&S satin pyjamas to visit the toilet. Denman returns to Teen, who's in a frisky mood tonight. Shazza sits in her bed, which appears to have a dead-cat bedspread, drinking wine and sulking. But there's plenty of Denman to go around, ladies, and once he's seen to Teen, he's a-knocking on Shazza's door. Blah blah...still has feelings...quick snog...Shazza offers him a bed, but Denman says not if you're going to cast me out again in the morning. Hang on a sec, I thought it was Denman who did the chucking the last time because he wanted a family or something. Or maybe I'm wrong. I probably am. Anyway, Shazza can't promise that she won't chuck him out of bed in the morning, so he goes back to Teen.

LEANING ON A CRAP PLANE
Mickney's got a plane so that he can whittle Loser's Bench down to a pile of matches in a vain attempt to clean it. Poline is so cross that she's decided to go and spend a few days moaning at some aunty or other because even Gay Pike can't listen to her any more. Rosie Klebb-Dolescum tries to apologise, but Poline tells her she's nothing but Dolescum cluttering up the lives of respectable murdering baby-stealers like the Moomin-Fowlers. A silent extra intervenes before Rosie can get to Poline's wig.

Backstreet finally gets through to Kellay's message service to tell her about his new management position. Fool looks perturbed and pumps Kareena for information. Kareena finally confesses that Kellay has taken up with some bloke in Spain and she ain't coming back. Didn't she do this before and get into trouble with Teen over some money she nicked to pay off this bloke...oh does it matter? Really?

Kareena's all "LOSER" whenever anybody mentions Mickney's name. Mickney does almost as good a kicked puppy look as MYGus. Then a bloke with dodgy Carl Lewis hair tries to chat her up and make out he's a bigshot club owner. Kareena goes: "Oooh, a club owner! Listen to my brother. He DJs and he's dead good..." DJ Ross spins his wheels of steel, but Club Owner is more interested in Kareena. There's some nonsense with dodgy business cards, and Club Owner turns out to be nothing but a sad fake with what looks like a snail trail across his back. DJ Ross strops about Kareena being unwise in the ways of Men. And he wasn't leaping around like a labrador puppy when he thought that he'd hit the Big Time, on no. Denman intervenes prettily, but DJ Ross strops off in mid set.

Shazza finds Teen and Denman clothes and dodgy passport booth photos (ever heard of phone cams, kiddies?) all over the living room and huffs about having to tidy them up. Denman is all: "Are you jealous of me and my teen girlfriend? Are you? Are you?" Shazz: "In your dreams..." but then her chin quivers, and you can see that she's going to run off and cry into a pair of Denman's discarded pants.

Minty glowers at Byrite. Billy glowers at everybody. Perhaps he's lost his voice and can only glower. BB appears to be Byrite's new bitch, and gives Minty an excuse to drop some wedding-related stationery chez Mitchell. Minty sees Sham in her bridal gown (she's been trying it on - it's a bit boring for an EE wedding dress, to be honest) and immediately gets his oft-fingered ring out to propose. Sham actually looks like she might consider it, but says no because she loves Byrite and he loves her money...bwahahahahaha. Later she asks Minty to look after Babs and keep her mind free of anti-Byrite propaganda. Looks like she has managed to find a whole new seam of stupidity in the Idiot Mine after all.

Backstreet has been reading Pointy-Haired Management For Dummies, but Ian isn't impressed and sets him to scrubbing the chip shop floor during business hours. Oh, that's safe, Ian. Backstreet tries to prove his worth by bullying Ian's idle builders, but the builders burn his book and try to flush his head down the toilet - except they forgot they haven't plumbed the toilet in. Ian threatens them with aggravated assault or something, and then I had to see to the baby, sorry. I think Fool tells Backstreet that Kellay done him wrong, but I'm not sure.

Meanwhile, MMartin still hasn't discovered his phone's Silent profile. He tries to tell GlennCloser to leave him alone, but somehow GlennCloser manages to interpret that as something more Beckhamish. She follows him to the club and witters on about them meeting twice in the same place, must be fate calling them back. MMartin asks her nicely to go away. Apparently on Planet GlennCloser, "please go away and leave me alone forever. Now," is a proposal of marriage. MMartin: sad. GlennCloser: mad.

LIKE A VIRGIN
The Dolescums are throwing a barbecue. Around the square they go, handing out badly-spelled hand coloured invitations that were probably designed by the same bloke that did the Why Don't You... programme titles in the early 80s. Mickney tries to hide the Burned Bed of Shame and cop off with Kareena. Guess which one he succeeds at?

Virginal Kareena wears what looks like her nightie cut up into vertical stripes to match her hair, I suppose. Encouraged by Martina, she and Mickney simper inbetween non-comedy interruptions. Mickney manages to knock himself out in the bathroom in an oh-so-hilarious attempt to get rid of his garlic breath brought on by Keef Dolescum's special bbq sauce. So, they don't get it on, and we're spared awkward Muppet Sex for one more week.

Rosie Klebb and Poline realise that they're not so different after all (useless husbands, idiot children, teenage pregnancy, imminent nan-hood...). Poline decides to go to the bbq, and arrives just in time to see the makeshift burner tip onto Loser's Bench and burn baby burn.

The father of Demi's baby (Semidemi?) is called Leo, and he's an Older Man. Well, at least it's not O-Den, so the world is safe from more Wattses.

Vickney's a dirty stopout, so Shazz and LadyDen try to get her to spill the beans about her mystery man. Blimey, she's only been there ten minutes. Fashion Designer College lecturers must work faster than ordinary English Literature lecturers - not that I'd know...Vickney is coy and simpers a lot.

Byrite's got a Minty of his very own! Sham takes a call from Byrite's Mint-a-like. Byrite and Mint-a-like meet up on Loser's Bench (pre-conflagration), twirl their moustaches and talk about getting their hands on Sham's Empire of Evil. It has something to do with property deeds that Sham has to sign without knowing that she's signing over the Death Star Snookerall or whatever. Minty hears Byrite going: "soon all this will be MINE! Bwahahahaha!", and tries to warn Sham. Sham is too busy Bridezilla-ing about the place, and thinks that Minty is confessing his deep lurve again. Minty fingers his ring (for the xxth time this week), and still fails to realise that Sham is Queen Doofina of the Doofuses, and therefore not worth it.

Backstreet wants to prove that he's a man for Kellay. Fool speaks to Ian, and Ian gives Backstreet a "management training position" as his new bitch. His first job is to clean out the chip fryer. Backstreet: sad. The nation: bored.

MMartin still hasn't worked out how to switch his phone to vibrate, the little Beckham. GlennClose's txt msgs r gting desparate: "NEED U 2NITE", "HERE BUNNY BUNNY..." etc. MMartin deletes them unread. Ruh. Roh.

TERMS OF MINT-DEAR-MINT
Kareena and her new stripey hair aren't happy to be living in a tiny bedsit with 15 other people and a tropical menagery. She stands around glowering while Martina cooks and tidies up and makes the boys clear up after themselves. Martina starts glowering back and they have a competition about who is sluttiest (Kareena: "I lived in a flat with five muscular lifeguards!" Martina: "I lived in a flat with an entire rugby team!" Kareena: "Grrr, foiled!") In the end Martina asks why Kareena is being such a bitch and Kareena says she doesn't like Martina moving in and being bossy and taking over etc. Martina says she is just doing it because she lurves Adull. What-ev-er. There is a stupid scene where Adull comes into the house and can't hear them arguing until he actually steps into the same room as them, even though the door is wide open. So lame. Martina makes a resolute face and drags Kareena off to the club for a girly drink and chat. Kareena decides she likes Martina when she realises that Martina will do all the work in the house/taxi firm and Kareena can just be lazy and sit around putting on more mascara all day. In the end though she decides to get a job and immediately gets one behind the bar at the club. A sleazy accountant tries to chat her up so Kareena does something painful to his nads. she is worried that Denman will sack her but he likes it (hmmm...). Later on she admits to Martina that despite her new foxy look she is still a virgin. Martina thinks; "yes, I'm still the sluttiest!"

Meanwhile Backstreet is still mooning around ("mooning", geddit? eh? eh?) wondering why Kellay hasn't phoned him and isn't answering when he phones her. Welcome to Dumped-ville, loser.

Vickney is skipping around wittering on about someone called Tommy she met at Fashion School. Denman mocks her. He's bound to be a big old gay, anyway (Tommy, not Denman).....

Dole Scum Keef gets a Ferriera-mobile to go and sign on. Mickney tells his brat siblings to get a birthday present for their mum so Darren swops the reduced stickers round on some chocolates while Demi plays the teen pregnancy sympathy card and distracts the shop keeper. Rosie Klebb (yes, now that Sullen has gone the mantle of boot-faced harridan-ity is passed to another) tries to get a job but discovers that Poline is like the Don of Walford and no-one will speak to her since she dissed her. In the end she gets a job cleaning at the vic - Fool won't pay her cash-in-hand but says he'll pay her in beer instead. Okayyyy. Mickney is shamed by his rough family. He is so distracted that he falls off a ladder whilst cleaning winders at the club. Keef thinks "where there's blame there's a claim!" and goes around to try and blackmail Denman. Denman stares blankly into spacing, thinking about how pretty he is, while Keef snivels on and on and then leaves, defeated. Then Poline browbeats him into coughing up for the bed too. Good.

Moomin is too worried about Dot to study and so helps Martin on the stall, Martin is worried that GlenCloser is going to show up and flinches whenever a mobile goes off in the E20 postal district. Later on he gets a txt message "THINKING ABOUT UOBSESSIVELY!!! GLENCLOSER AND CLOSER XXXXXX" and goes apeshit. Martin needs a haircut, btw.

Minty is still pining after Sham, the great daft lunk, and tries to get Sham to come and have a special talk with him in the Arches. Sham is in full-on Bridezilla mode and is not very patient with him. Minty bottles it so Sham dashes off, leaving her retro style viscose scarf behind. Minty picks it up and starts sniffing it and touching himself. Minty is taklking to Ian about women troubles. Panto Jane realises that he fancies Sham and tells Minty to give it up for his own good. Minty is all "why, I have no idea what you are talking about, my good woman!" Jane rushes off to be fitted for her hideoso peach ruffed bridesmaid dress and Minty gets out an engagement ring and fingers it poignantly.

CURSE OF THE SPIDE-WOMAN
Who are these people and what are they doing messing up my TV screen? Obviously somebody watched Shameless and thought: "I've got a genius idea for saving Easties...we could even have a pregnant tweenie for the issues..."

I mean, Demi??? Will she pose naked on the cover of Take A Break, I wonder?

So anyway, this family seem to enjoy running rings around the good folk of Walford with their crafty cockney inability to give a straight answer to a straight question. Surprisingly nobody has punched them yet. The mother calls Poline a sex-mad harlot every time she mentions getting the Moomins' bed back. Gay Pike offers to try and is bamboozled by the Millers' machine gun questioning. Dad Miller (aka Keef) gets Derek to sort out the bed problem himself, and I think he's going to have to fork out for another bed or something. Get thee to the charity shop, Gay Pike. Poline: cross.

Mickney is embarrassed by assorted siblings too thick to remove their school ties running around nicking stuff off the market, and setting fire to the rejected bed, which is now causing problems in the street (Keef tries to pass it off as a council sponsored street sculpture a la Tracey Emin's bed, which is in a gallery...OK). By the end of the ep everybody hates them, but nobody has thought to just give them a good old-fashioned East End kicking.

Meanwhile, GlennClose is sending MMartin text messages every ten minutes. MMartin hides, then arranges to meet her in the pub. Glenn's hair is all flicky like an early Shell do. If I was MMartin, I'd be running too. MMartin confesses that he's married - so she didn't know? The swine! Small furry animals run and hide from GlennClose's basilisk stare.

Kareena returns, and she's obviously been romping like a strumpet on piecework in Spain. Her new "sexy" look (plus tattoo!) worries her brothers a bit, who act like they've never seen legs before. For her part Kareena is shocked and appalled that Adi is going out with a former genital technician. So that's how many people in a bedsit?

GlennClose finds MMartin again and tells him that she doesn't mind sharing him with Moomin. For god's sake woman, you can't be that desperate. MMartin tries hard not to think about threesomes and says no no no no no. NB: Every Poline scene shows her fussing over Betty the Dog, so I agree with Mark and reckon that puppy's not long for this world.

Vickney enjoys her first day at Fashion Designer College, and runs off to the pub with her new friends. LadyDen and the Wattses exchange "our little girl is all grown up" looks. I feel ill.

STYLE: COUNCIL

Grrr. I got a new VCR but apparently can't programme it yet. I really
wanted to see the new Family too. Oh well, back to the BBC website for
meâ?¦.

Martin is shocked at his drunken fornication with Stalker Girl (aka
Sarah aka Italia Conti stylee Glenn Close etc etc). Luckily everyone
else was too pissed to remember much about it. He moves Poline's old
bed out of the room, so he can knob Moomin without being troubled by
visions of Arfur licking Poline's inner thighs. GlennClose keeps
texting him (he gave her his number: sucker!!!) and tracks him down to
Walford (perhaps she can hack into the GPS chip that Gay Pike
installed) and starts wittering on about them getting married and
having lots of babies etc. The Fowlers don't have a bunny to boil, but
I think Betty the Cute Puppy ought to start ringing her agent, if you
know what I mean. Anyway, Martin is super nice to Moomin all day but
their new bed doesn't show up ever.

If you look up "non comedy subplot" in the dictionary there will be a
picture of the Ferrieraz making stupid faces and pointing at each
other. This time, Scalliq finds that Martina's snake isn't in its
snakeatorium and is scared that it is loose and about to eat him or
whatever. He locks himself in the bathroom and rocks back and forth
sobbing until it turns out that Martina took it to the vet after all.
Ha ha ha heh, ahemmmâ?¦ (tumbleweed, etc).

Some nonsense about Byrite thinking that Sham is only nice to her
staff so they will come to her wedding and give the illusion of her
having mates.

Mickney's rough spide family arrive in an ice cream van. I will
reserve judgement until I see them in tha flesh but basically there is
dad Keith, who apparently has a bad back and is therefore a lazy
bastard. His wife Rosie, who looks like she could give you a good
smack in the mouth, and Mickney's kid brother Darren and sister Demi
(ok, that's quite a funny name) who is with child, even though she is
only 13. Rosie takes "an instant dislike to Poline" (which will save
time for later, when she actually gets to know herâ?¦) and thinks Poline
fancies Keith (well, Poline was like a slut on wheels when they went
to the holiday camp that time.) Darren runs round nicking stuff.
According to the EE website "Panto Jane spies him eyeing up her buns
and sends him packing." Shut up, EE website. Keith manages to get the
delivery men to deliver Moomin's new bed to their house but Poline
guesses and goes round and starts screaming at him. Rosie thinks she
is trying to rape him or something and drags her downstairs into the
street and calls her a strumpet. "Mickney's pacifying words can't
diffuse the atmosphere between the glowering matriarchs," it says
here.

TEN THINGS WE HATE ABOUT IAN
Well, Friday was a night of low-key revelations, wasn't it? After last week's evening of Olympic fun, this week, we got an hour-long epic about waiting. Moomin and Poline waited at the Orspital; Jim waited in the pub with a small group of the ones who can (thankfully) act, plus Denman; MMartin got drunk.

Moomin waves MMartin off to his lads night out, then discovers from Poline that Dot isn't touring Scotland playing accordion-based folk-jazz with Nigel (whatever happened to hKipper?) after all. She strops at Poline and decides to use her Moomin powers to make Dot better at the orspital. Poline isn't best pleased.

Hostilities heat up outside the operating theatre, and Jim decides that he'd be better off down at the pub. There's an argument about where to put Dot's handbag, and then they settle down to a not-bad two-hander that lets Natalie Cassidy act her little socks off, for once. Poline repeats various Lou mantras on Life, Selling Veg and Everything; and we discover:

1. Dot punched Charlie Cotton. That's why he left


2. Dot tried to get into teacher training college, but nobody would accept a single mother - the fools...they could have conducted LSD tests on Little Nasty Nick
   
3. Dot used to look like Audrey Hepburn
   

Eventually Moomin cries: "Didn't your mum ever shut up?", and Poline admits that Lou was an irritating old bat, but that Moomin is but a link in the Walford cycle of harridanry. Poline was in Dot's place, Dot was in Lou's place, Moomin was in Poline's place. Moomin looks uncomfortable at the idea of getting a glowing white wig.

Jim takes Moomin's mobile, in case something happens, and goes off to the pub. Down at the pub, the middle-aged men are listening anxiously to Ethel 2.0 trying to bore Simplet to death with the same offkey song over and over again. Denman, Mickney and the Muppetz are playing pool. Then Martin turns up and the muppets go to the only nightclub in East London. Mickney waffles dickishly about women, MMartin says he'd never cheat on Moomin, nevernevernever. Of course, he wakes up at dawn, sharing a duvet with a girl who looks spookily like Shell. Backstreet can't get hold of Kellay to tell her he wuvs her, but I lost interest.

Fool won't serve Jim because it's closing time. Jim wails: "But my Dorothy's got caaaancer!", which gets him a seat and a pint quicker than a very quick pint-getting ploy. Fool locks in everyone. Ash and Denman play pool and go Grrr! at each other. Unfortunately no shirts were ripped off. Ian, Fool, Jim, Minty and TriniDad talk about being young and attractive. Minty admits that he's on an Atkins-style cauliflower diet, which is turning him into a human hovercraft. Ian admits that he was born a fully-formed, 35-year-old twat, and wiffles on about bullies and bog brushes...

Byrite walks in on the lock-in, and tries to sack Fool. Ian punches Byrite. Byrite punches him back. Denman gets him to leave Ian alone, and let them all carry on drinking. They sit in a corner and reminisce about the old days: "Remember when you used to beat up old ladies?"; "Remember when you torched my sister's club? Happy days..." They manage to skirt around the whole sharing Sham thing, and Denman remembers that Byrite looked after his dying mother, all alone. Is this supposed to give us an insight into Byrite's Byriteness or something? Minty glowers from his farty cloud on the other side of the bar and mutters jealously.

Jim gets a phone call. Dot's OK. Hurrah! Sorry it's not very funny, but there wasn't much to laugh about on Friday.

A LONG DOT'S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT
Dot's getting ready for her op, and doing lots of putting-off type things like making Jim enough food to feed the five thousand, ironing his shirts a million times, and writing little "I won't be here when you open this..."-type cards. Jim persuades Moomin to come over and say goodbye. Moomin starts muttering about Poline, but Dot gets all:"Nooo! Thou shalt honour and love and obey thy mother-in-law in all things, even if she is an evil old witch, which she isn't...oh no." Poline is being particularly evil in the launderette at that very second, muttering to her new familiar (called Betty - what kind of name is that for a dog?). Betty rolls around in the laundry, looking cute.

LadyDen also gets a lecture as she squirts enough hairspray around Dot's head to create her own little hole in the ozone layer. Dot tells LadyDen to look after young Denman - no, not that way. There's enough crypto-incest going on as it is, thank you.

Ian decides that PantoJane is another jezebel like all the other jezebels in the world because she LOOKS AT MEN and TALKS TO THEM. The final act of harlotry for Ian is when she calls Denman "gorgeous" - merely articulating the thoughts of the nation's women. Ian strops off to the pub and moans at Fool. Fool tells him he's a prat, and Ian goes back to make up with PJane, who kisses him. And it wasn't for a bet either.

There's a non-comedy plot involving the Ferreiraz and Martina's pet snake (not one-eyed and called "Trouser", unfortunately). Next.

Rainman announces to Billy that Little Mo has given birth to a Mini Mo. Billy looks stricken, then smiles wanly.

Sham clutches her well-thumbed copy of Bridezilla Monthly magazine and witters on about flowers to Byrite, who pretends not to be interested. Sham decides that she needs a bridesmaid to share all the fun of a sawn-off shotgun wedding with, and calls Teen. Teen says "Bugger off, Mrs No-Mates". Sham works through her entire address book and finally works out that she indeed has absolutely no mates whatsoever. Shazz pops by to gloat, then PJane steps in to offer sympathy. Meanwhile, Byrite blackmails Goddess Pat into being Sham's bridesmaid on the grounds that she's a woman and wears dresses and stuff. Pat tries to get out of it by saying "I'm thinking gold lamé and spangled platforms...", while Byrite nods approvingly. Sham goes: "Nooo! PantoJane is my bridesmaid!" PantoJane looks shocked. Time for CJDave to have a relapse, methinks.

Dot tells Denman that he's destined for great things, not just shagging his sister and being a small-time thuglet, so he should get his finger out and do her proud. Then it's off to Poline, still lurking in the launderette and muttering. Poline is vile to Dot until Dot says: "I've got caancer". Then she's very sad. Even Betty looks sad.