HAVE YOURSELF A MINTY LITTLE CHRISTMAS
We open on Denman and Teen carrying a giant Christmas tree across the square, watched by JoJo and Shazza - who looks much better with the 60s hair and kinky boots. I think we're supposed to read some kind of romantic significance into all of this, but all I can think of is where the hell they're going to put such a huge bloody tree in a one-bed flat.

JoJo appears to have turned over a new leaf and is cooking breakfast for everyone chez Slater. Rainman, being an idiot, is tempted to let her stay instead of returning her to Mad Mother, but Mo isn't having any of it. Teen turns up to add her two pennorth and make 'keep away grr!' gestures at JoJo. JoJo drops the tea tray and sets about wreaking her terrible revenge - which appeared to involve stealing dirty underwear from Shazza's laundry bag and getting former Boy Band Starlet Abs (he was in the poor girl's Blue, Five, wasn't he?) to make some phone calls for a lame set-up that will reveal The Truth to Teen. It all goes horribly wrong, but I'm not sure how because my sister-in-law called at the crucial moment and I had to turn the sound down. I saw Teen drag JoJo out of the club by her hair and it looked like there was lots of shouting. Another day in Slaterville then.

Minty and AGarry talk about splitting up for Xmas, but Minty really has plans to serve AGarry with a freshly-stuffed goose and all the trimmings while assorted Slaters shout at AGarry until he promises to spend Xmas with them. Minty: sad.

Billy and Keef exchange dad-bollocks in the park. Keef suggests that white noise is good for irritating babies who won't sleep. Billy takes CBF to the launderette and off the baby nods. He leaves CBF with Poline while he nips off for a pint, but is ordered out of the pub by an angry Drippy.

The council calls the Truemans with the news that the Adorable Urchin factory has a freshly minted pre-teen cutie for them to pick up. Bad Brutha's pretending not to be interested, but he ends up dragooning O-Den into searching for the Urchin when she disappears. Meanwhile, Byrite tells BB that he's got plans for a new ninja kitten training academy, and BB is going to run it. Or maybe he's going to sell crack to preschoolers - I think they're the only market left in London these days. BB runs off to his meeting with Byrite but the police, tipped off by O-Den, are watching. Oh goody. Does this mean the return of DI Chadster?