MY TWO TRINIDADS
It's all about dads this week. Davetta's dad has found out about BroJo (via Lee); and Mrs Goggins finds out about her real dad. Or does she??

The ongoing feud between BroJo and Lee heats up somewhat when Tony Bennett informs Davetta that he wants to meet this new man of hers. BroJo works out that Lee is somehow behind Tony Bennett's summons, and there's more homoerotic grr-ing over Davetta's soul. Lee's not in a good way. His girlfriend's a Cyberperson, his cousin's doing interesting euthanasia dramas on ITV, and he shot his brother just to watch him die. And what is Lee doing? Minding a chipmunk-faced, over-monied teen who owns a nightclub that even Alicia Duvall would think was a bit of a dump. No wonder he's fed up.

Moomin and Martin's decree absolute comes through. Poline almost smiles for about a milisecond, but Moomin tempts him with champagne - every trainee nurse at the Royal London has a bottle stashed in her fridge, as any fule kno - and they end up in bed together. Maybe
Moomin's teaching him a few moves that she learned from her week as a lesbian. Anyway, Dot catches them kissing and they decide that it was a moment of post-divorce madness, and nothing that Poline should know about. Poline is secretly pleased when he doesn't come home until 10am the following day, and thinks that he's in there with the hot primary school teacher and not with The Dirty Jackson. Moomin tells him that there's no future now that they've spent all that money on getting divorced and everything.

Working on the principle that all black people from Trinidad must be related to each other, and that they will eventually congregate in a particular area of east London, Mrs Goggins traces her father to one of the Five Hectors. What kind of name is that for a doo wop band? Shouldn't they be called The Chanterelles or something more doowoppy? TriniDad looks shifty and avoids her gaze at Porkpie's wake. The only other surviving Hector appears, and he's been spending the intervening years butling for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and buying flash cars, by the look of it. TriniDad: cross that there's somebody that makes him look about as sexy as Poline's cardigan. Yolande tells TriniDad to stop mucking about and tell Mrs Goggins that he's her father, forgetting that there were four other Hectors to choose from. Mrs Goggins finally corners him and asks: "Are you my dad or what?". There's an ice-breaking dinner party that Cedric the Ex-Butler crashes, and the family is torn between nice cars and flash stuff (Chelski - who I think is OK, and you is all haytas, innit?); and a B&B housing the best Desmond Dekker collection this side of Haringey (@@@). Mrs Goggins asks Cedric to do a DNA test. TriniDad: sad.

BroJo meets with Tony Bennett and nearly slips on his own slime trail. Tony tells him to keep away from Davetta, but BroJo gives him the schtick about seeing supernovas off the moons of Saturn or some such rubbish (never stayed awake long enough to see all the famous bits of Blade Runner, sorry...), so he's not afraid of some tired ex-boxer in a rounders vest. Tony gets cross, and goes back to his cell to punch the wall. He appears to be sharing a bunk with famous film director and BFI nemesis Alan Parker. Alan offers to get a few of his contacts on the outside to sort out the ginger upstart. Like what, set up a soul band or get some kids to pelt him with custard pies? Tony collapses and clutches his arm in an "I'm having a heart attack" kind of way. Alan asks him who he has to sort out, and Tony says: "groogh...argh...Lee...groogh...meurgh...from...arrrgh...Office...". Oh dear.

BroJo tells Davetta that Lee told Tony on him. Davetta gets a call from the hospital about Tony's heart attack, and decides to drop into the club to sack Lee. Davetta shrieks a bit about being better off with a gold digging ponce than a psycho stalker boy who shot his own brother...etc. Lee tells Davetta that Curly would (sadly) have been alive if he hadn't tangled with Tony and started grooming Davetta to be his child bride. Then he really gets into his stride and says that everybody only pretends to like Needy Little Rich Girl Davetta; even JoJo just feels sorry for her. Off he goes to pack. Two ladies appear in the club to tell Davetta of Tony's death. Davetta is stunned and doesn't even notice when Lee walks back in to steal a few thousand out of the company safe. Lee stalks out of the club and into an ambush. Two of Alan's friends are waiting for him, and I don't think they want to discuss the career of Levi Stubbs.

BROJO RISING
Pantojane is suspicious about Ian’s creepy ass proposal and who can blame her. She wonders if he knows about the affair! Gasp! But he says no and that he truly lurves her. Ian goes to see Fill and tells him not to tell PJane that Ian knows about her sordid shenans with Guh-want, as Ian doesn’t want her to know until he dumps her at the altar (probably). Jane makes him propose again and accepts this time. Ruh roh. DC Lucy says she enjoys going to her dad’s frequent weddings. Bitch. Jane wants a quiet wedding but Ian announces it to all at the Vic on purpose. I bet this is all a psych out and Ian is going to be as good as gold. Jane must be exceptional at shot calling type activities, is all I’m sayin’

Moomin and MMartin (sigh) are getting ready for Chloebecca’s birthday. Poline of course is a heinous witch and keeps plotting to cut Moomin out of everything. Moomin grasses her up to Martin.

There is non comedy nonsense re Mrs Goggins and Parklife being embarrassed about Pat etc hearing their loud sex noises. Mrs Goggins then has a row with Yolande about some change or something and then goes to apologise when she realises that she was in the wrong. Her and Yolande bond (of course, as they are both black ladies ) and sing a song together at krapaoke..

Next day. Trinidad hears that his friend off of Desmonds has died. The friend was in a motown type group with Trinidad and some other blokes (we’ll call it the 5 tops) and then OMG, what are the chances – it turns out that Mrs Goggins never knew her father but did know that he was in the 5 Tops . Wow, this plot is so half baked that I’m getting salmonella just writing about it. If it turns out that TriniDad really is Mrs Goggins dad then I will have no choice but to go on a rampage of some kind.

GADawn is worried that the Vic is not busy enough to keep her employed and suggest that Babs gets the Blazin Squad or someone in to bring in the crowds. Wow, Dawn really is as stupid as she looks. Babs says yes but then welshes on the deal and gets karaoke in instead. Babs sings “My Way” (I would have preferred it if she had sung “My humps” instead, tee hee). Moomin and martin sing something (“I got you (pregnant then ran over your boyfriend and married you anyway) babe” perhaps) while Poline makes the bitchface in one corner. Next day, she keeps trying to set him up with birds and make him go out on the pull etc. Weirdo. All her plans seem to come to fruition when they go to a thing at school and martin meets a hot teacher he knew from when he was a kid.

BroJo and Lee continue their homoerotic feud for Davetta’s VERY SOUL. I suggest naked wrestling. BroJo resorts to dirty tricks like breaking into Lee’s house and making spooky noises etc. At one point he hilariously mocks up the ghost of Ethel 2.0 to give Lee the shits. It would have been funnier if he had actually dressed up as Ethel 2.0 himself and then humped out with a knife going “eeeeee!!!” like in Psycho. Lee shouts and acts all crazy mad nutcase. Dozy Davetta tells BroJo not to miss with Lee as Lee once shot his brother in Epping, just to watch him die. Brojo does a patented hug/look over shoulder/evil face combo. I am getting a bit sick of BroJo’s evil faces and also think he needs a haircut. And to get his kit off more often.

Brojo goes to taunt Lee with his newfound knowledge and Lee whines to Davetta for telling BroJo important facts. Davetta loves BroJo. Tells Lee to leave off etc and so on. Rinse, repeat. Lee offers to pay BroJo off but BroJo says “bwa ha ha, I will steal everything off that stupid ballroom dancing brat! Bwa ha ha”. Instead of, like taping him or filming him say that (using the club’s magic CCTV system), Lee phones Tony Bennett in prison and says “help!”

Southern Jezebel SJ is still ripping off the Minster. St Gus is annoyed that he is spending money on SJ when he can’t pay his rent etc. Naomi and AGarry fret about him and arrange for Fill to let him have his job back. Agarry spots Stupid Jaws actually snogging Sid in broad daylight. Dun dun dunhhh! Minty prepares a special meal for SJ but she is too busy sexing up her creepy brotherlover. Afterwards they start bickering and SJ squeals “I want a byebee, Seed!” about 50 times in a row. Gary goes round to tell Minty about his kissing news and they have an argument about SJ. Minty admits that one time he found them naked and there was a perfectly good explanation ie they both fell in a puddle and had to change their clothes and then Sid bruised his penis and SJ had to kiss it better etc etc. AG gets him to go straight round to SJ’s dingy bedsit and they find her and Seed in bed. Minty makes a sad face.

Next day (a lot of stuff is happening next day in this blog) Minty is putting as brave face on his incest/cuckold shame. SJ and Sid have completely disappeared (forevah, hopefully). AGarry goes for a chat, but Minty says he is fine. AG doesn’t believe him. They argue and AG says that he thinks Minty knew that SJ was ripping him off but let her get away with it because he was so desperate and hornay. Minty punches AG in the face. Gasp! AG is shocked! They had talked about trying some S&M but hadn’t agreed on a safe word yet! AG runs off to cry and cross “Mr Garry Mintster” off the front of his exercise book. Minty is so ashamed that he packs his bags to leave town. AG begs him to stay and asks him to move back in and Minty does a cute little smile and agrees. Awwww. Re-united and it feels so good!

(OFF TOPIC NEWS!!! Me and Sarah write about Robin Hood and Strictly Come Dancing on TV Dinners and I have done another bit of the capital-ring walk - through the east end OMG!!)

THE FULL MINTY
Part shoddy crib, part yes-I-actually-watched-it-this-week. And I want two hours of my life back, please.

Operation Skin Minty is up and running again. I can't really get a handle on this on-again-off-again femme fatale business. Especially as the femme isn't exactly fatale and keeps blethering in mock Welsh while her rat-faced boyfriend/brother lurks in the background. I can only guess that it's leading up to some kind of explosive finale involving Kissing Sid, some Castrol GTX, and a set of adjustable spanners. Until then we have to put up with Minty mooching around, sighing every time he sees a blonde hair (Note to Minty: stop watching Hollyoaks), Kissing Sid looks mean and shifty and tells SJ that he's outta there if SJ doesn't get back together with Minty and wring the rest of his huge mechanic's salary out of him. They'd be better off targeting Jim, wouldn't they? Or the Bealemeister. He's got a thing about calculating, man-faced blondes.

Minty mooches around at the Arches. AGarry smugly tells Minty that SJ is no better than she should be, the hussy. Minty sighs and sees SJ bouncing towards him, hair swinging, grimacing until her eyes disappear, and decides to treat her to lunch in the pub. Kissing Sid appears again, and makes mean, shifty comments about not wanting his sister to go out with a tightwad. Minty gets drunk on three beers and goes back to finish off the service on the Bealewagon.

Oh yes, Ian orders PJane to get the Bealewagon serviced by Anybody But Fill before sunset or there will be trouble, and then flounces off to the accountants. PJane doesn't say: "Do it yourself, fishface", and spends a morning buttering toast and calling mechanics. I mean, how difficult is it to get a car serviced in London? She can't find anybody to take the car and secretly sends the car to the Arches anyway. Ian finds out, refuses to pay for the service, and there are non-comedy shenanigans when Ian tries to sneak the car out of the yard (Fill lies in the back seat and goes: "Boo!" if you must know).

On the other side of the square, the Slaters are bored of the plot cupboard and are off to Lanzarote. Well, Mo and Prison Bitch Bert are. Apparently Posh Slater (remember her? The one with the wigs) has a villa out there or something. Davetta wants BroJo all to herself, so pays for JoJo to join them - but she has to get BroJo to give JoJo the money because JoJo doesn't want any gangster dosh. Then Bradley gets to go too. But PB Bert is scared of flying and tries to persuade Mo that Mablethorpe is much more bracing for people their age. BroJo is all smirky and tries to steal one of Davetta's rent cheques so that he can go on a spree at Lawrence Corner. But Davetta wants to go for a lovely walk and a picnic with home-made sandwiches, not even M&S ones. BroJo: thwarted.

Prison Bitch Bert manages to dodge the EasyJet flight and returns to the Slater tardis. Davetta: thwarted. BroJo: strangely uninterested.

An utterly dreadful Health Visitor patronises Phoney, just as she was getting the hang of feeding the Cutest Baby in the WORLD*. Phoney does that starey thing again and hands the baby back to Billy. How can Phoney not bond with that little darling? NotDavid moves in and sends Phoney off to be pampered. But Phoney doesn't go, and there's more staring into space and going "aggh!" every time Billy suggests they let the baby have some fresh air. Foxy Doctor intervenes and points out that Petal (?!) is indeed the Cutest Baby Evah. Phoney holds Petal for a bit, and Billy tells her that she'll be a great mother. NotDavid departs for some work in Kent.

Minty gets into trouble with Fill and gets sacked after he points out that somebody with Fill's relationship/parenting/drinking history has no business dishing out advice on how to deal with women. Fill cheers himself up by buying the video shop for Ben. I'm with Grace Dent on this one. What kind of present is that for a ten-year-old? Maybe if you got rid of the videos and boring DVDs and filled it with Lego Bionicles and Megabloks dragon thingumajigs you might be onto something there Fill...but even a shop full of copies of Van Wilder: Party Liaison wouldn't do much for most small boys.

In other news, BroJo amuses himself by making silent phone calls to Lee, sending him junk mail about retirement homes, and generally being a dick. Dear producers: if you're going to create a handsome-but-troubled sociopath, could you at least give him something decently crazy to do? One misdirected Stannah stair lift brochure does not a reign of terror make. I reckon he fancies Lee, and this is the only way he knows of communicating his love.

PJane writes a cheque for the car service. Does this woman have "Doormat" tattooed across her forehead? Ian has an accident because Minty didn't put the wheels on properly and is cross. Minty is too busy shagging SJ to care. But Winston gets at least ten lines after Ian ploughs into his stall. Go Winston! Tell it like it is! Ian storms back to the Arches and accuses Fill of trying to kill him. Fill says: "Ha, if I really wanted to kill you, I'd tell you that your girlfriend shagged my brother...oh..."

Ian apparently storms off into the night, and PJane gets worried when he isn't around the following morning. Don't worry PJ, he's probably got Juhneen's address somewhere. Fill swears on his mother's life that he didn't tell Ian about PJ and Grunt.

Meanwhile Minty is wracked with guilt - given the number of times he and Fill have tried to hurt Ian very badly, I'm not quite sure what he's on about here. Anyway, Fill tries to blame Minty and chuck SJ out. Minty blames Fill, and there's lots of pink-faced shouting.

Ian returns with that sneery look on his face and asks PJane to marry him. PJane doesn't stop to think about what has happened to at least two of Ian's ex-wives and says yes. Nooooo! Run Panto Jane! Run!

EASTIES UPDATE SPECIAL: THE OUTSIDERS AKA THE DEN VINCI CODE
I totally missed the first half of Denman’s new televisual offering, which is a huge shame as (a) I missed all the shirtlessness and (b) I would have loved to be able to take the piss out of the whole thing (if anyone wants to take the piss out of the first half then pls email me at elmarkco(at)yahoo(dot)co(dot)uk and I will splice the two piss-takes together quicker than Fur-wank with a pair of dodgy bashed up motors).

Anyway, as far as I can tell, Denman is a rugged loner style art thief or some such, who runs around in a black polo neck jumper like the Saint at the behest of a shadowy organisation who stand round a giant magic telly like Galadriel’s spooky “mirror of watching stuff” in LOTR. He is teamed up with an art expert girl who is probably supposed to be “glamorous and feisty” but who took a wrong turn along the lines of “pie faced and brittle”. I suppose I will have to call her Shazza. Don’t ask me to explain the plot as I doubt it makes sense even if you have watched the whole thing – it seems that Denman and Shazza have to recover a secret painting that contains a secret code giving the secret of eternal life (oh Dan Brown, you have a lot to answer for). It is owned by some creepy rich folk with a James Bond base on a remote island and the Vatican also want it so the Pope can live forevah (um hey Pope, I’m no theologian but isn’t that what HEAVEN is for???). Denman is beset by Vatican ninjas (That’s right. Vatican. Ninjas. It would have been less ludicrous if those colourful swiss guard dudes had attacked them) in a fight scene that won’t be making Jet Li lose any sleep.Denman is all "Grrr! Smash! and kills one of the ninjas with his bare hands! Shazza looks all perturbed - either (a) she is shocked by his brutal hotttness or (b) she is thinking "damn, I'lll never get my kids into church school now!"

There is more plotiness and then Denman has to smuggle himself onto James Bond island in a packet of frozen fish fingers whilst in suspended animation or something. Shazza has to wake him up with a shot of adrenalin from his icy sleep (ie he is wearing a bit of blue lip stick) and he pretends not to wake up to mess with her head – what a larf riot. There is a hilarious scene where she kind of mashes his face around squealing “Wake up! Wake up!” that is most unflattering to poor Denman).

After Denman finally stops messing around, he climbs over ONE invisible laser beam (Catherine Zeta Jones somewhere is saying “easy peasy!” Even Britney Spears could cope with more laser beams than that in the Toxic video and she had to sing at the same time!) and steals the magic picture. He is supposed to run away but stops to save Shazza from being shot by the baddies’ Chris De Burgh looking henchman (cue more lame fisticuffs). Denman falls over and has some kind of traumatic flashback where a little girl’s ghost leads him away by the hand. What. Ev. Er. Not shown: Denman muttering “Goddamnit Vickney, can’t you leave me alone for a second!” He then blows everything up with some executive desk toys (cue some not at all special effects), outruns both an explosion and a speeding bullet (I must have missed the part where they explain that he comes from the planet Krypton) and disappears without trace. When Shazza gets back to the shadowy base thing with the magic telly, it turns out that they sold the magic picture to the Vatican after all. Ohs noes – the shadowy secret organisation is not to be trusted. Who would have thought it? Oh the cynicism etc and so on. Then it turns out that Denman switched the picture for a fake and kept the real one – what a tinker. Also: So many twists! Mind cannot compute. Looks like you won’t be living forever after all Mr Pope. Sucks to be you.

In the end, Shazza and Denman meet up in a graveyard and erm, talk about stuff aka beg to be given a proper series. Yes please – with C of E ninjas next time! Those Anglican mofos are hardcore!

A MATTER OF PARKLIFE AND DEATH
This week's extra special Easties Update contributed by the lovely Patrick
It's been a bumper week this week, but we'll save the main storyline until last.

The homos*xuals who run the BBC have decided that wet, topless BroJo is a good idea. He struts his topless stuff around the Slater kitchen, causing JoJo to feel ill (no possibility of a Brookside-style storyline, then) and Davetta to juice up. JoJo tells Davetta that BroJo is a Bad Lad and will only hurt her. Davetta flutters her eyelashes and says "but he really likes me so everything will be all right". Don't these young girls watch soap operas? JoJo warns BroJo to break it off with Ruby, but be gentle with her. Unexpectedly, BroJo agrees. What is his cunning plan? He cancels lunch with Davetta. Davetta: sad. She asks JoJo to find out why BroJo has broken it off. BroJo convinces JoJo (too many "Jos". Ed.) that he does really like Davetta! JoJo says, all right, go out with her then. Davetta: happy. It is unclear at this point whether the beast with two backs has been made, but I think probably not.

BroJo is turning out to be an excellent worker at the club. Apparently he has a slew of amazing ideas like, erm, running drinks promotions. Maybe not opening your nightclub (the clue's in the name) at 11am would be another good idea. Lee is angry, as he wants to sack BroJo. He leaves BroJo to deal with a representative from the brewery, Mr Jones or something. But what is this? Mr Jones is sick, so has sent a foxy young strumpet to go over the figures with BroJo. Lee: annoyed. BroJo: gets leg over. Later, BreweryStrumpet shows up again, and Lee escorts her and BroJo into the office to go over the figures. Then, in best teen girl bitch fashion, Lee calls Davetta and says BroJo urgently wants to see her...in the office! Oh no! They walk towards the door, and Lee throws it open with an overdramatic air. And then, there they are, exposed, BroJo and BreweryStrumpet...going through the figures!! Oh the irony! All is confusion and Lee realises he looks like an idiot. BreweryStrumpet is just leaving, but on the way out we see her doing up her skirt. BroJo looks evilly at the camera and taunts Lee with his failure.

Dot is enjoying a quiet cigarette in the caff when an officious posh woman tells her that the caff is non-smoking (since when?). Seasoned soap viewers will realise that Posh Woman is going to be important later on. And lo and behold, who does she turn out to be but the new GP. Comedy a-go-go. I'm betting that she and Agarry will be an item by November.

Minty is still being given the run around by evil Aussie SJ and her no-good brother. Put 'em both on a prison ship; it was good enough for their great grandparents!**

NurseTanya is overrun at the salon. Little Lauren is off sick and has been left in Dot's care, and Chelsea hasn't shown up either. PantoJane arrives, wanting a manicure. Maybe she needs her nails to be in good shape for when she runs them down the Bealemeister's back and sinks them into his fleshy white buttocks during their hot l*vemaking sessions. PJ tells NT that it's nice that Lauren and Devil Child Lucy have struck up a friendship, but could NT stop Lauren being slutty (i.e. wearing make-up) as it's having a bad influence on DCLucy. PJ says she supposes it's not surprising that Lauren is a child slut as her mother is in the business of marketing the warpaint of wh*res (i.e. make-up). NT is offended and says that DCLucy can probably cook a mean fry-up as that's all PJ does. Tension is avoided when Dot arrives, needing advice on how to discipline the modern child as Lauren, clearly not unwell, is talking about "well buff" boys on her mobile telephonic device. You know you're getting old when you start identifying with Dot.

NotDavidEssex asks Babs to go to the hospital with him to see Billy, Phoney and the BabyOfDoom. Babs agrees to keep NDE on side, but really isn't that keen. NDE is making a dolls' house for the baby. Whilst they're at the hospital, a doctor comes in with some student doctors and makes insensitive comments about how BabyOfDoom has a lower bodyweight and floppy arms than a normal baby. NDE sad and upset. Babs & NDE have a row, with Babs saying that BabyOfDoom should be left exposed on a hillside for the jackals to eat. NDE says that Billy and Phoney need her support, but agrees that he will talk about "options" with Phoney. Babs says that they're both too stupid to look after a BabyOfDoom and it's time everyone realised this. NDE decorates Billy & Phoney's flat with the help of Pat. He and Pat bond as they bitch about Babs's bad attitude. Is Pat going to steal Babs's man AGAIN? Go for it, Pat. Babs arrives with a weedy bunch of flowers, which is pretty poor considering NDE's efforts. BabyOfDoom arrives home and begins to cry. Phoney can't cope and throws the baby at Billy. NDE thinks that maybe Babs has a point, and dismantles the dolls' house he was making. I love it when they hire GCSE English students as EE scriptwriters and tell them to "use symbolism".

Mrs Goggins and Parklife are loved up. Note to Parklife: wearing t-shirts makes you look like a barrel. Spandau's mum (Gr@n for short) arrives and says that Spandau has gone AWOL. Well, the poor bloke was faced with having to go and live in Cardiff. Mrs G refuses to go and help look for Owen. Gr@n says, "but what if he..." and leaves a pregnant pause. @@@ demands to know what she means. It turns out that Spandau has threatened to top himself. @@@ screams "he's probably already dead and it's all your fault!" Chelsea, possibly the worst actress EastEnders has ever seen, and I'm even including Ali who used to run the caff, tells Gr@n that it's all her fault that Spandau turned out Evil. Parklife asks Beano to keep an eye on Chelsea & @@@ whilst he and Mrs G go to find Spandau. Gosh, if I were being threatened by a drunken violent maniac, I'd look to Beano as a first port of call, I surely would.

Spandau is lying comatose in the park. He wakes up for just long enough to see a symbolically happy father and son playing football together. Those GCSE English students again, gotta love 'em. This drives him back to the bottle. I'm sure if you left an open bottle of vodka unattended in an east London park overnight there would be enough left by morning to drink some more. Spandau also apparently has DRUCKS! Well, a bottle of headache pills at least.

@@@ rings Spandau, who tells her that he is a LOSER. @@@ says that's okay, she still loves him. Spandau tricks her into telling him that Mrs G has gone out and says he'll just pop over for a nice cup of tea. @@@ isn't happy about this, but Gr@n says it'll be fine. Gr@n then lies to Mrs G to keep her away. Bad Gr@n!! @@@ is horrified when she sees drunken dishevelled Spandau and, amazingly, does the sensible thing and locks herself in her room. Spandau does a lot of moaning about how he just wants to say goodbye as @@@ cowers in her room. This is pretty well done by EE; @@@ is five zillion times the actress Chelsea is and really does well here. Spandau beats Gr@n up, wrecks the flat and makes off with @@@. Parklife & Mrs G arrive back in a state. Gr@n lies again and says that Beano & Chelsea must have left the door open when they left for work and that's how Spandau got in. Parklife calls the police and Mrs G rings Spandau. Gr@n cracks under stiff police cross-examination ("Did you let him in?" "Yes I did.").

Spandau has got @@@ in a car in Epping Forest, which is where all good EastEnders go to murder their close relatives. He tells Mrs G that he is going to kill himself and @@@, and he also sends Gr@n a txt saying "SORRY MUM BYE". Spandau throws his wallet and keys into the water and smashes his mobile phone. Despite having thrown the keys into the water, he's able to start the car and put the hose into the window. However, as it is a dodgy used car he's stolen from Parklife's lot, it breaks down! Spandau breaks a window of the car and then tries to start it again. You've broken the window, man, even if you were to start the car again you wouldn't be able to carry out your cunning suffocation plan. Continuity really aren't trying very hard here. Spandau and @@@ regain consciousness and @@@ is horrified to realise that Spandau has tried to kill her. Spandau sobs that his dad was his hero. @@@ says that hers was, but no longer now he's tried to kill her. Spandau finds this an unreasonable sentiment and gets angry again.

Mrs G and Parklife read @@@'s secret diary but all it says is that Mrs G is a bitch for not trying harder with Spandau. However, Parklife finds a secret rock which says where Spandau and @@@ are. Don't ask. Parklife and Mrs G race up to Epping Forest. The police hadn't been able to find the two of them (it's no wonder groups of pesky kids with lashings of ginger beer find it easy to solve crimes if all police are as inept as this lot) but Mrs G and Parklife arrive on the scene almost immediately. They find Spandau floating face down in the river, and @@@ lying on the bank, still, grey and, to all appearance, dead!

However, neither are. @@@ is in hospital recovering. Gr@n shows up and says that Spandau has been taken to the funny farm and will never bother them again, because no one in the UK is ever released early from prisons, especially if they're mentally unstable. Chelsea and Mrs G row as Chelsea blames her for letting Spandau back into their lives. Chelsea doesn't want to live with Mrs G. However, all ends happily with the entire Goggins and Parklife clans ensconsed in Pat's house, a plan to which Pat has miraculously agreed.

**:Australians please note: Patrick is in fact the direct descendant of Patrick "Dingo Strangler" O'Patrick - scourge of Botany Bay and harasser of unprepossessing chip shop owners.