THE FINAL COUNTDOWN PT II: WHEN TWO TRIBES GO TO BORE
After Monday night’s vague enjoyableness (maybe I am kidding myself and just have fond memories of Mickney falling over a lot) not much happens on Tuesday.

The Tanyettes find out about Tanyah’s be-bunned oven and bicker, carry on and act authentically bratty. Dadley takes out a big life insurance policy on himself and Nurse Tanyah jokes about greasing the stairs so she can make a claim. I hope that isn’t foreshadowing as any fule kno that the only way to kill your husband on EE is to batter him with a novelty canine-themed doorstop.

GADawn hangs around outside the cop shop waiting for her precious Mr Smarmypants to be released. Meanwhile Chez Dolescum, Keef and Mickney start squawking about how Smarmy is an evil wife batterer who can never darken their doors again. When GADawn finds out she tells them all to shut up and hustles Smarmy into the kitchen. I am finding GADawn wholly dislikeable at the moment, even when Dr Fox is pushing her down flights of stairs. Smarmy goes to see Dr Fox at the surgery but she summons Naomi and Smarmy runs away at the sight of strapping black lesbian. He goes back when Naomi has left and Dr Fox is all “so what are you going to do? Hit me again?” Smarmy makes an evil/ambiguous face. Hmm, maybe EE is trying to mess with our expectations and make Smarmy the baddy, but I think the message the audience is going to get is more like “No wonder he’s beating his wife when she’s so crazy!” And this is the same show that once ran a v good wife beating storyline with Psycho Trevor and Drippy all those years ago. Sigh.

@@ is all set to meet her Cyber-nonce. She tries to borrow some clothes from Chelski but Chelski says no and calls her “Ugly Betty”. @@ borrows them anyway (even though she looks stupid) and gets Yolande to braid her hair up. @@ then takes her sad little picnic to the park and there are some “tension building” hedge-cam shots of the nonce staring at her through a shrubbery. Yolande and the Bennetons are all “ohs noes, Where has @@ gone? She is probably being abducted by paedophile scum right now!!” but it just turns out to be Dasbo, who couldn’t think of another way to say he lurved @@. Awww. @@ runs off in a strop.

DVDLi makes Mickney put on a suit and practise being charming to ladies and then is all jealous when he does it. Oh whatever. Wake me up when he’s chained to a barrel with Atkins or Pat approaching him with a strap-on.

Dot does her peace brokering thing and arranges a tea party for the Mitchell/Beale feud to be resolved. Fill is very late and Ian prints out a list of all the Mitchell wrongdoings which he wants them all to sign so he can scan it and put it on his myspace page or something. They are all bickering (or else standing in the background saying “rhubarb rhubarb”) until Ben remembers that the whole row was over an unpaid for saveloy at the caff and an unpaid for drink at the Vic. They try to get comedy mileage out of the word “saveloy” but my heart is dead to such blatant pandering. Ben offers to pay for the items if it will make the madness stop. Ian and Fill are shamed into making up, shake hands on it and then the blokes and kids agree to go all camping together and the women agree on a mass hair-patting session. As they all leave, the Bealemeister makes a face like “Yes, Mitchell, we’ll go camping! Camping in HELL!!!”

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN PT 1: PIMP MY SPIDE
Dr Fox makes squirrelly faces and pops more pills. She has got a black eye but I’m not sure if Smarmy gave it to her or she has been busy with the felt tip pens. She phones in sick and sits in a corner rocking and thinking about her barren womb, before putting on a severe black suit/dress thing and going to the pub. Naomi pops out of the plot cupboard long enough to see her, and ask what’s wrong. Dr Fox says she walked into a door ahem ahem and then starts crying. Naomi insists that she kalls the kops. They get a young Asian copper we have never seen before who goes to question Smarmy. Smarmy and GADawn are all indignant like “what is that crazy bitch up to now?” Smarmy is dragged off to the police station while Dr Fox watches and says “gibber gibber” and GADawn is all “Why I oughtta…” and tries to run over and batter her.

@@ is supposed to be revising but instead is spending all her time in one of those “chat rooms” on the “internets” that the young people seem to enjoy so much these days. Yolande sticks her oar in for some reason and is worried that her chat-friend is one of those cyber-nonces like on Chris Morris. @@ says that she is sure that he is a nice boy her own age and agrees to meet him. We see a back shot of the mystery paedo and it could possibly be Dasbo but it’s hard to tell for sure.

The maryjane is not growing well in the plot cupboard so DVDLi wants to pimp Mickney’s ass out to the matrons of Walford. Mickney is not eager to spend his working days with a ball gag in his mouth and gets a job at the Kwik E Mart with Trini Dad instead. He accidentally throws away a load of non expired yogurt (DVDLi tricks him into it – apparently Mickney is too thick to convert months into numbers…) and then has a hilariously shit sequence of accidents that ends up destroying half the stock. Back to the man-whoring for Mickney.

Nurse Tanyah and Dadley discuss the baby and also getting out a business loan. Exciting!

The Mitchell slash Beale feud rumbles towards its Tragic! Deadly! Conclusion! Wow, it’s like Romeo and Juliet but retarded. Cruestella tries to apologise directly to DC Lucy but Pjane sees her and tells her to get lost. Cruestella runs home and cries like a big gimp – not so easy picking on someone over the age of 10, eh Stel? – so Babs goes and has a row with Pjane and accuses her of being an unfit mother or something. Pjane tells Babs to do one and says “Oooo! I’m really scared!” in a sarcastic voice when Babs threatens her with something. Later on Ian goes to the laundrette and discovers that Phoney has shrunk all his woolly jumpers – he takes this as a sign of Mitchell eviltude, rather than Phoney’s incredible stupidity and has a huge row in the laundrette with Fill, Billy, Babs and Pjane. Dot wheels out a few biblical homilies and squeals ”Think of the children!” Just as Stupid Plot Baby and Baby Janet both start crying. Yes, think of the children as they – spoiler – plummet to the bottom of the canal in a deadly death crash horror of death!!!!!

SOMETHING KINDA "OW"!

Smarmy and Dawn have one day to get out of their love shack – Smarmy goes to draw out some money to get a deposit on a new place but Dr (Crazy like a) Fox has already emptied their joint account. She says she did it to help Smarmy so he would realise that GADawn is just a gold digging vixen. Meanwhile Dole Scum Keef has some money of Dawn’s (benefits or something, I dunno) but he has spent it all on cans of Special Brew. The love birds have to move in Chez Dole Scum. Later on GADawn has a dramatic confrontation with Dr Fox and the Dr pushes her down a flight of stairs. Heh.

The baby is OK and Dr Fox is all contrite and tearful, not wanting to be grassed up to the fuzz. She pops some pills (yes, Dr Fox, that’s all you need with your robust mental state – more drugs!!) and asks Smarmy round to patch things up. She gives him a list of their assets so they can share them out but then starts putting sexy moves on him. Smarmy notices that the nursery is still set up and there is a big circle on the calendar marked “the day my baby is born, bwa ha ha.” He realises that Dr Fox is still loony tunes and has to fight his way out of the apartment.

Dasbo and @@ fall out over Gus (??? Does Dasbo fancy him too, I don’t know…) and then @@ starts chatting online to a mystery boy. This will be Important For Later.

There is flu going round and Bradley, a Tanyette and Tanyah all succumb to it. JoJo looks after Bradley but is then annoyed when Duckface barges in with a klingon wordsearch book or something for Bradders to do. JoJo hassles Dadley to divorce Nurse Tanyah and move in with her. He arranges a rental of a showflat with horrid tan coloured fur wallpaper (that’s what it looked like to me) and gives her a vomtastic yellow nightie thing to wear. It is Dadley’s birthday and Jojo demands that she spends the evening with Dadley in the Fur Flat. Hateful Dadley engineers a row so he can ditch Tanyah and re-explore joJo’s ladygarden, even though Tanyah has cooked a nice meal and bought him a watch and made a cake etc. Tanyah is understandably annoyed and goes on a rampage of suspicion – finding evidence that Dadley is playing away. She marches down the street (past JoJo, who makes an excellent “gulp!” face) and starts laying into Carly, even though Dadley was just trying to sell her insurance. Of course, if I found my partner was cheating on me, I’d be more interested in talking to my partner than the bit on the side, but what would I know? I’m not a badly written soap opera character. In the aftermath, Tanyah announces that she’s pregnant. Gasp!

They have a discussion and Tanyah wants to get an abortion as she doesn’t trust Dadley. Dadley tells a story about how when he was a kid, Jim beat up a black mate of his and then locked him up in a coffin! Don’t ask me. Tanyah accepts this bizarre anecdote as an excuse for his shiftiness and they agree to keep the baby. Meanwhile, Bradley finds the telltale yellow nightie and JoJo says she is seeing some other married bloke who in no way resembles Dadley, oh no.

Ian complains to some Polish (though the accent is more like French/Boratistani) builders that they are too noisy. They tell him to sling his hook so he goes into dickhead overdrive and starts filming them for his dossier to the council and refusing to serve them at the caff. They mock him by taking photos of him with their phones and later have a five way gang bang with Parkwife.
The tiresome feud between Ian and Fill continues re the late license application. Fill gets the Polish Builders to brick up Ian’s gate so Ian pours cement down the Vic toilets so they have to shut the pub and get plumbers in. When Ian refuses to pay for the damage, Fill goes round and tries to drown him in a bowl of washing up (“Fairy liquid may be kind to your hands, but has does it feel on your FACE, Beale!!”). Fill is rescued by Pjane, or possible baby bobby, all of whom are harder than Ian. The womenfolk get involved too when Cruestella sees DC Lucy drinking alcopops in the park with a bunch of hoodies and grasses her up to PJane, who tells her to mind her own business. They spend a lot of time telling each other that this isn’t finished yet – no, it’s finished next week with a shocking Death Crash Tragedy tm every soap mag ever.

EE: THE WRATH OF BEALE

Poor old Bradders. First he dumps JoJo for Posh Totty. Then JoJo dumps him even after he dumps Posh Totty and tries to get back with her because JoJo's secretly schtupping his dad. And the only other single non-pregnant woman under 50 is Duckface. Fortunately they share a passing acquaintance with the work of Gene Roddenberry. Well, when I say 'passing', I mean Preeti can quote entire episodes of Deep Space Nine (the one that nobody likes) at the drop of a hat. Bradders starts to wonder if a lifetime of Vulcan salutes and nanobot jokes is really a good price to pay for getting his end away. Duckface goes into major stalker girlfriend mode. Bradley: sad.

Meanwhile JoJo is 'raising the stakes' with Dadley. This means not turning up in the Queen Vic toilets when summoned for a quickie, and going out with people her own age (I think)

Deano sulks about his mother being a skanky ho again. @@ moons over Gus. Make it quick @@, he'll be off on his suspension soon. The Bennetton family conspire to send Parklife and Mrs Goggins on an Easyjet flight to nowhere (or was it Tallinn?) because as usual, nobody bothered to book a honeymoon. Atkins is told to get out of Walford (again) or something. Her revenge is to tell Chelski that she shagged Parklife and Goggins knows! Chelski says she's not picking up the pieces of Mrs Goggins' broken heart yet again, and packs her bags. Then somebody suggests they all go down the pub and Chelski decides to stay.

Over at the Vic, Cruestella reminds Ben that his happiness and well-being are entirely up to her. Fill and Ian start on the Stupid Feud of DOOM that will apparently end up in the death of a Devil Child but we don't know which one (stupid soap mags). Place your bets here, folks.

Dot doesn't want the cute baby to be registered with a doctor and acts so badly that even Phoney gets suspicious. But Phoney's got her own problems. Billy doesn't want her to test the New Phoneybaby for congenital defects because the whole thing smacks of a eugenic conspiracy to prove that his seed is faulty. Cute baby gets a mild rash that Phoney says is MENINGITIS - once again the BBC miss a chance to show viewers the right thing to do, and they end up in the a&e ward, talking to a bored nurse about missing red books and NHS numbers. Phoney offers to help Dot hide the cute baby from the authorities and gets a job in the launderette to boot. Another baby for the EE supercreche.

JoJo tells NurseTanyah to expand the hairpatting shop to do...I dunno...car bodywork? So NurseTanyah decides that taking business advice from a nymphet with a market stall is a good idea and does exactly that.

Slimy loses his job for giving GADawn a credit card. He tries to hide it from GAD, but Dr SheWolf says: "No he's lost his job, you little strumpet. Who's going to pay for your hair extensions now, eh? eh? And I'm not paying your rent any more either." Hang on, she was paying their RENT? What kind of sick weirdness is this? Speaking of sick weirdness, have GAD and Slimy wondered about the medical ethics of buying your patient's baby and pimping your husband to her in order to 'keep her sweet'. No? I'll shut up then. There is cameo appearance from the lesbian off that geek comedy drama Attachments (ahhh...how well I remember their urgent discussions of banner ads and saucy intraoffice instant messaging). This time she's Dr SheWolf's happily married sister, with two moppets in tow. Dr SheWolf tells her that she's pregnant, and Slimy's at work. But there's some kind of altercation in the pub involving Slimy and a bottle and Dr SheWolf's tissue of lies is torn asunder. Not sure if this will provoke a crazed rampage involving a speculum, but we can but hope.

DVDLi, deprived of her dope allotment, decides to advertise Mickney as an escort service. The ramifications of this are not to be gone into, not even after several stiff drinks and many hallucinogenic drugs. Mickney and Gus find out, and DVDLi is foiled! Again! A nation sighs with relief (but not that kind of relief)...

GHOST ON THE (WASHING) MACHINE

Just what is Cruestella up to? What drives a career woman to act all pathetic in order to snag the affections of a spud-faced pub landlord, then proceed to terrorise his young son? Whatever evil non-event the producers have planned for us, it's pretty damn good. Cruestella pours water on Ben's bed and tells him that dreaming about being bullied by the Children of Razorlight makes him wee in his sleep. But if she hides him from the Children of Razorlight, he has to tell Fill that he wants Cruestella to be his new mummy.

Cruestella does weird stuff to Fill's accounts book while everybody sleeps. Fill finds out and tells Ben to go to the playscheme and stand up to the Children of Razorlight like a true Mitchell. Cruestella says that she will protect Ben's snivelling little carcass. For a price! Fill beats up the main bully's dad and Cruestella messes with Ben's head some more. Wow! I love this... even though bullying small boys and messing around with their little brains is bad, m'kay?

There's stuff about Dasbo, @@@ and Lin. @@@ starts wearing make up and puts her profile on the Russians for pervs a dating site when she looks as Russian as my cat looks barely old enough to have started her periods. Good move @@@. Thought you were supposed to be clever? Dasbo also messes with Mickney's head re: DVDLi. No, I don't know either.

Big Mo tries to put NurseTanyah out of business (eh? Oh, this will be the big revenge!!! thing that Mo talked about the other week). The bright idea is to tell a bunch of pensioners that NurseTanyah is doing an OAP free perm special, and bring them to the doorstep, waving their vouchers. NurseTanyah gives them all perms - or at least pats their hair and waves some hairspray about - and thanks Big Mo for the marketing boost. Mo goes: "Bah! I'll get you NurseTanyah! And those Tanyettes too!"

Yolande starts work at the launderette. What happened to the Kwik E Mart? She winds Dot up with her fancy new ideas about not smoking and alteration services. Dot tries to nobble Yolande's laundry load and thinks that Yolande is after her job. Mr Opodopolus offers Poline's old job to Yolande. Dot has a meltdown and screams "I quit". Dot spends the rest of the week in either the caff or the pub, muttering about ageism. Yolande refuses the offer, but reminds Dot that Poline is properly dead and should really be buried, so get a grip. Dot grippeth not.

Beale tells the family that they're moving into Poline's old house. He promises a new double bed for Panto Jane, but Devil Child Lucy says the place smells of wee, and she can sense the presence of Poline. Obviously DC Lucy's satanic powers are not yet at a level that she can do battle with Poline's enfeebled ghost, so they all move back to the old house. Especially after Fill and Bill tell a posh couple that Ian rented the old place to that Walford is a den of vice, violence and iniquity. Posh couple demand a rent reduction. PJ finds Poline's ashes in a cupboard, and DC Lucy says she's still not moving. PJ enlists the local vicar's help. The vicar tells them that Auntie Poline is not a demon, but DC Peter sees the crossed fingers behind his back and starts getting all Buffy on his arse. Ian gives the ashes to Dot to keep in her ashtray and bribes DC Lucy and DC Peter to come back to the house. Dot keeps Poline in the launderette and talks to her after hours. Oh boy. I'd love to see what happens when they run out of powder.

Fill intercepts PJane's new bed and gives it to Billy. Because making Ian Beale's life a misery is not the same as proper bullying because Ian has foolish aspirations towards middle-classness and keeps yattering about gentrification, so therefore needs to be put in his place.

Pregnancy triangle update! Slimy snogs GADawn in front of Dr SheWolf and moves in with GADawn. Another meltdown and then Dr SheWolf tells Slimy's employers that he fixed up a dodgy credit card for GADawn in PantoJane's name. Never mind Slimy, there's always the caff. Or the bookie's. Or perhaps you could work on MMartin's stall? Well, that's GADawn's attitude anyway. Dr SheWolf tells Slimy that she'll see him crawling back to her after GADawn leaves him when the money runs out etc etc. Slimy and GAD scuttle off to his mum's for a bit. SheWolf: thwarted!

SEVEN DADLEY SINS
The theme of this week’s episodes is “All middle class ladies be crazy!!” First of all we have Dr Fox, who is cackling with glee at the news that GADawn is past the legal limit for abortions and also referring to herself in the third person alot. (“What Dr Fox wants! Dr Fox gets! Bwa ha ha!!” etc). Calm down love, you’re not a character from Flash Gordon. GADawn meanwhile moves into the flat above Minty/Garry (who are disappointed, as they were hoping for a new cast member) and gets Stella to check over her Surrogacy Agreement. Stella says it is a load of tosh, legal-wise so GADawn tells Smarmy that they can live together and keep the baby and skip through tulip fields forevah! Smarmy dumps her. Ha!

GADawn is snivelling around so Dr Fox tells her that Smarmy never fancied her in the first place but just pretended to, so that GADawn would keep the baby, which is now more fought over than the Alcase-Lorraine region of France/Germany. GADawn drinks a bottle of vodka, has a hot bath and sticks “Vera Drake” in the DVD player. Everyone thinks she is trying to commit suicide and calls an ambulance. Dawn and the baybay both turn out to be alright. Smarmy sits on Losers Bench for a spot of manly crying and then tells Dawn that he does love her really after all, but Dawn tells him to “Git Ahhht!!!”

JoJo/Dadley drags on and on. This week JoJo wears a horrendous “sexy outfit” that makes her like a Victorian killer doll and Dadley sexes her up in his own living room while he is supposed to be researching guinea pigs on the internet. Don’t ask. Can something please happen with this plot now? Is that too much to ask? In other Slater news, BroJo weirdly flirts with Babs for a bit (mate, it’s called “masturbation”, look into it) and JoJo Ma reappears, saying that she wants to go on a holiday with her kids. The hateful brats all run a mile but then something happens so that Dadley ends up paying for a holiday for JoJo and Ma anyway.

Billy wants to turn the defunct DVD shop into an internet caff – how very 1998. He bickers with Fill and Beale about them investing or not. Meanwhile news spreads about Phoney’s pregnancy. Billy and Phoney think their little flat won’t be big enough and talk about renting Poline’s Palace of Burnt Memories instead. Beale says no, of course, because he is horrid and then suggests to Panto Jane that he moves them and the devil brood into Poline’s Palace of etc and so on instead. Jane: “Erm, I don’t think so!!”

The other middle class crazy lady storyline is that of Cruestella D’Evil, who is on fine form this week. Ben hides his hearing aid so he doesn’t have to go to school but then Cruestella makes him go anyway. All the kids tease him for being deaf and Ben wets himself. Cruestella mutters that he is a “wee stained little freak”(double ha!) and offers to help him hide his shame from Fill. Then she mocks him for being a wuss and says that he has to be HARD if he wants to be a proper Mitchell and worthy of his daddy’s love. Next day, Ben tries to smack one of the boys (when instead he should have teased him for being a rubbish actor and having hair like a girl) who made him wet himself and ends up being thrown roughly to the ground and given a good shoeing. Cruestella watches with a faint smile on her face for a few minutes before breaking it up.

Ben goes crying to Ian, shows him his bruises and tells him that Stella is beating him (Ian comes up with the “Cruella” nickname). Ian goes round to see Fill and be all Bealemeisterfull and outraged and then they quickly discover that he was actually beaten up by the kids from school. They tell Ben off and Cruestella slips into his room, tells him that he will be taken into care if he carries on lying and then gives him a hug and says that she’ll protect him. Brrr, creepy. This storyline with all the headfuckery and emotional blackmail etc is so much better than a clichéd child beating plot. Well done the BBC!

WHEN I'M SIXTY-ERR?

It's a milestone birthday for Peggy. Not sure which one. The EE producers don't divulge that, but if she's supposed to be 60, then I'm Liz Hurley. Fill, Cruestella (thank you GU) and Victim Ben decorate the pub with old Carry On Stills, pictures of Babs taking tea with the Krays, you know the kind of thing. Babs has a few non-comedy senior moments over the catering delivery, and Ian sneers. Babs also engages some bloke with an outrageous accent to makeover the living room so that it looks like something out of a Furniture Village ad. The ladies not classed as a) totty, b) mad, or c) pregnant (Yolande, Babs and PantoJane) go to a yoga class and the bouffanted teacher in a leotard tries to realign Babs's chakras without her permission. Babs is later sad about this because it's the best offer she gets all week after NotDavid Essex says he's not coming to her birthday party.

Phoney is pregant again, and worries about telling Billy. Billy runs foul of a debt collector who follows him around until he hands over the money, and worries about telling Phoney. Phoney gets a job as the receptionist in the Hair Patting salon to make more money. Her first task is to screw up GADawn's hair patting and colouring appointment. GADawn makes an unreasonable amount of fuss, and Duckface Preeti has to fit her in over lunch or something.

Slimy is installing GAD in a flat above the plot cupboard, and AGarry is allowed out to sniff around. He's got a thing for pregnant ladies, after all. GAD's little head is too full of colour charts and sofa catalogues to notice, and she skips off to get her hair done. Only Chelski switches the hair dye for a red felt-tip pen, and GAD ends up with rather cute Gothy streaks instead of honey highlights. GAD marches into the pub and starts having a go a the nice ladies, who finally admit that Dr SheWolf has persuaded them all to pretend to like her, but they all really think she's a wee hoor. GAD can't believe that her only friend in the world is Carly (incidentally, whatever happened to Genghis, the Dolescum Dog?), and stomps off home to cry. I can't help thinking that with all this womb rental, accommodation costs etc, they'd have been better off visiting an orphanage in a developing country, but what the hey...

Plenty of action in the Hair Patting salon, today. JoJo decides to upgrade her appearance (again), and gets Preeti to set her hair in some carmen rollers to make her look like a Charlie's Angel, but not in a good way. Really, you'd think that GADawn could take one look at JoJo's hair and get some money off Slimy to get a proper cut in town.

Dr SheWolf tells NurseTanyah of her surrogacy hell, but with all the controlling and pimping her husband bits removed. Nurse Tanyah looks slightly concerned that Dr SheWolf and her flexible interpretation of the Hippocratic Oath is in charge of her family's health. Meanwhile Dadley is shagging JoJo amid the ashes of Poline's fruitbowl or something. No wonder the Bealemeister can't sell it if he hasn't even bothered to paint over the smoke stains. Two letters, Ian: B and Q.

There's some stuff about moving to Spain. It's always Spain isn't it? Never Cheadle. Or Stockholm. Stockholm's nice. Very clean.

JoJo thinks that Dadley is selling her a line. NurseTanyah has been watching far too many property programmes, and is impatient to make a fresh start. Blimey, she's only been in Walford for five minutes. But the Tanyettes don't want to move because they've got friends. Really? Well, Lauren is kind of mates with Zombie Jay and DC Lucy - no wonder she's going all Goth. Abi is friends with umm... Ben.

Not if CruStella has anything to do with it. CruStella says that Abi is a Bad Person, and that if Ben so much as talks to her, it'll be Spoontime for Benjy at Bedtime again. CruStella does mad faces and learns how to beat Ben at Grand Theft Auto and tells Abi that she's not welcome at Ben's birthday party.

Phoney tells Billy that she's pregnant. Billy tells Phoney that they're broke. But they decide to have the baby anyway. But only after Billy has made lots of bad smell-type faces and overacted like a good 'un. He's too good for this crap.

GADawn turns up in a red dress to match her hair, and "looks amazing", according to the official spoilers. Dr SheWolf sends Slimy out to "keep GAD happy", and looks mad and smug at the same time. Slimy looks worried.

Everything's going well at the party. Babs is wearing something ghastly in white and Bacofoil that screams Peter Stringfellow In Drag; Pat is wearing Stealth Bomber earrings. BroJo uses his combat skillz to create one of those champagne towers that you used to see in 1970s semi-porn movies starring Joan Collins; and JoJo makes sour comments about Nurse Tanyah's Spanish plans, and tells her that Dadley will probably leave her anyway, so what's the point. Not really. But there is a fight between JoJo and NurseTanyah over who spilled whose Babycham, and Ian knocks over the champagne tower while nobody's looking. Dadley runs after JoJo, saying that says he's going to give the little minx a good seeing-to demand an apology. Then he tells JoJo that he's in love with her. Eh? I've seen more passionate declarations from a wet cushion. NurseTanyah encounters BroJo in the ladies again, and he tries it on. NT says no, and discovers Dadley coming out of the Slater Tardis with JoJo. JoJo apologises, but what for???

BEN FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST
Thanks to Red Nose Day, I only have three eps to do this week. Hurrah!

Parklife does the walk of shame from Atkins boudoir of cheap nylon garmentry after begging her not to tell anyone. He runs into Pat who tells him off for being a numpty and then says she will support him etc. Parklife then meets Beano and Carly and they all hug and forgive him too. Beano finds out about Carly’s big strop that sent Parklife packing in the first place and there is a bit of shouting. Great.

Parklife goes round to see Mrs Goggins and says, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake but it was horrible. That bloke from Torchwood died for no reason and then I had to drive a moped off a cliff. Crazy!” Mrs Goggins is all, “So you’re back, from outer space, coming home to Walford with that look upon your face…” and slams the door. Later on she says that her and the girls are moving to Leytonstone. Didn’t we just have this storyline two weeks ago? They are forced to sit together by their kids at a red nose day pub quiz and Atkins does a drunken speech about how her life sucks, but Parklife and Goggins are clearly made for each other and should get married. Later on, Parklife shows up at the Post Office and proposes to her. Mrs G says “You won’t get round me that easily – oh wait a minute, you will!” and says yes. Cue another unfeasibly brisk wedding, no doubt.

Billy is having money problems as everyone is eschewing his video shop in favour of DVDLi’s DVDs. He doesn’t tell anyone. Phoney gets a job as hairpatting receptionist though. Cue “boo hoo my wife earns more than me, I’m not a real man!” snoryline? Phoney is full on with her malapropisms this week but I will not encourage the scriptwriter by repeating any of them.

Dr Shewolf is still whinging on about GADawn and Gadawn is still whinging on about Smarmy. Shewolf complains that Dawn is eating too many chips or something and says “We can’t put her in a box!” in a tone that suggests that she could instead make her live in the bottom of a well and lower supplies in a basket (“It will put on the lotion! It will put on the lotion or else it will get stretch marks!”). She says they can put GADawn up in a flat “so we can control what she eats or drinks”. I think Dr Fox is confusing “flat” for “prison”. Smarmy tries to sell the idea to GADAwn but she doesn’t want to live in a damp bedsit on her own.

Dadley/Jojo affair drags on for another week. High point = Jojo getting dolled up to look “sophisticated” like Tanyah and everyone laughing at her. Dadley also says he wants to move to Spain with her. Oh as if.

Abi Tanyette sits with Ben and makes fun of him for liking Sdulla now. Ben explained that she was nice to him in that weird Hall of Mirrors malarkey. Abi tries to get Sdulla into trouble by telling Fill and Babs that she lost him, but Ben and Sdulla both team up to downplay it. Later on Sdulla accuses Ben of betraying her in her dry whispery voice and stares at him coldly from the top of a flight of stairs. Brrr. When did Sdulla turn into Nurse Rachett? Later on she manages to make Ben and Abi fall out completely and also gets Abi into trouble when Nurse Tanyah goes round to ask why she shouted at her daughter.

Ben is a bit unwell and Sdulla offers to look after him. They watch a DVD (crappy BBC version of “Lion/Witch/Wardrobe” – if Billy’s shop doesn’t have the posh Hollywood version with Tilda Swinton then it deserves to fail!!), then Sdulla offers to make them a nice hot chocolate and deliberately burns Ben’s hand with the hot spoon. Oh my god, so hardcore!! This storyline is actually pretty good now – especially as it is Ben who is being tormented, though I’m sure step mums all over the country are grinding their teeth in irritation. She tells him it is a joke and then gets him to lie for her again when Babs asks why he is wearing a plaster. Sdulla says all creepy stuff about how Daddy isn’t going to love him any more now that he loves her – then says “ha ha, only joking!” and offers to make him another HOT DRINK!!! Ben makes a wibbly face and the BBC bod announces a phone line in case Emma Thompson’s sister is menacing you with caffeinated beverages too (I know I know child abuse is v serious).

WAITING FOR PARKOT
A pale male arm emerges from under a modish duvet cover. It’s Smarmy and he’s about to wake the sleeping figure beside him. It’s Dr SheWolf! Oh no, what will GADawn say? GADawn is busy twitching curtains chez Dolescum and her finger is hovering over the abortion clinic number, which she must have on speed dial. Dr SheWolf twitches every time the phone rings, expecting it to be GADawn’s abortion. Smarmy tells her that everything’s fine and maybe they don’t need a baby to keep their marriage going anyway. SheWolf orders him to keep GADawn happy with fine wines, cheap lingerie from the market, and a good seeing-to if that’s what it takes.

Smarmy finally persuades GADawn to stay over. Dr SheWolf goes and sits in the café with her slightly mad smile on all night by the look of it. Next morning, Smarmy, who realises he is but a sperm donor in Dr SheWolf’s Baby Hunt, tells her that GAD has ordered him to leave her.

Dr SheWolf visits GAD at home to offer more advice on womb control. GAD finds out he hasn’t left her yet, so decides to tell the Dr herself. Oooh…cat fight. Dr tempts her back to the flat and calls her a “cheap little tanorexic” who doesn’t know the difference between true love and a cheap shag. Dr gets a few more good insults in before she gets bored with GAD and her ‘bovvered?’ face, and starts chewing the scenery in order to stay alive.

Mr P offers the following: “Oh for god’s sake, why don’t they just get together and kill the bastard?” But he doesn’t know that it’s all part of Dr SheWolf’s Cunning Plan. Not quite sure what the point of this Cunning Plan is, but apparently SheWolf is pretending to be a bit mad in order to keep GADawn onside. Smarmy finds this very arousing. Dr SheWolf does the over the shoulder face and looks bored.

DVDLi finds out about Dasbo’s Russian bride scam. As an internet professional, I’m not quite sure about the economics of this little venture, but somehow Dasbo guarantees her #500 per month if she writes a few ‘sexy emails’ to her interweb saddoes clients.

Chelski loses her job, and doesn’t mind because she can spend more time annoying BroJo. BroJo smarms to Nurse Tanyah and gets Chelski her job back. Chelski puts Rainman off his breakfast.

Battle of the battleaxes update. Atkins gets drunk. Pat looks disapproving and offers tea, sympathy and Goddess wisdom. Deano starts a fight with some bloke who has been chatting up Atkins and a newly-returned Babs chucks them both out of the pub. Atkins gets locked out and spends the night on Pat’s sofa. Deano: so, so confused.

Carly finds Atkins on the sofa and starts shouting again. Pat tells Atkins to leave town. Atkins refuses.

NurseTanyah works out that Mo has been corrupting her family’s morals with her filthy knockoff fags. Mo gets caught by Customs, who search the Slater Tardis and fail to find the entire gross tobacco output of the state of Virginia in the living room, but they do her for tax evasion anyway. Mo decides that NurseTanyah is responsible and vows terrible revenge. Oh well, that’s Dadley and JoJo DOOMED then. Thank Christ for that.

Smarmy tells GAD that he’s been taking money out of the joint account, and one day they will run away together. It’s like they were reading last week’s blog, isn’t it? Smarmy tells Dr SheWolf to tell her friends to stop bitching about GADawn. He’s just no fun any more…

Mrs Goggins finds out about BroJo, and tells him to leave Chelski alone. BroJo turns on the charm and tells Mrs G that just jealous because Chelski’s getting some, and Parklife ran off. Chelski finds out, but still doesn’t dump him.

Carly tidies up the car lot office. Pat tells Carly she has to let go and offers the example of Furwank’s nervy b as an example of what to do when a close relative runs off with all your joint earnings. Carly untidies the office and invites Atkins out for a bite to eat and a drink.

Mrs Goggins packs up Parklife’s collection of foreign films and stripey shirts. Carly puts them out for the dustmen.

Cut to umm…Dungeness. A lighthouse. Ooh, are we having one of those Easties Away segments? Parklife, clad in existentialist black and dark brown, tears up his world trip tickets (except for the one to France) and throws them off a lighthouse. He walks along the beach and finds Mr Guppy from Bleak House/doctor bloke off Dorkwood in a beach hut. They fight, and Guppy does his ankle in. It gets a bit Godot while they act their socks off on material that is thinner than a Brazilian model’s little finger. Guppy nicks a bit of Derek Jarman’s garden to kill Parklife with, but Parklife makes him put it back. Eventually they go to a pub and play pool with London Calling playing in the background. That's...like...significant, isn't it? Parklife offers fatherly advice. Guppy nicks his bag with his tickets to France in. Parklife nicks a local’s bike and chases the bus to Folkestone.

Mo and Rainman play darts and Carly gets very very drunk. There is mother/daughter shouting. And mother/daughter bonding. Then more mother/daughter shouting. A dart ends up in Mo’s arse. Fill removes the dart from Mo’s arse, and then has to lie down in a darkened room to expunge the image from his head (and ours). I quite like Fill the grumpy landlord: it’s better than Fill the spudhead gangsta.

Non-comedy sub-plot. Pat and Deano play Trivial Pursuit. A nation discovers that Pat is a Trivial Pursuit demon, and possibly even more competitive than my mum.

OK, this is where it goes from Godot to Lost Highway. Parklife finds the burning wreck of the bus on a cliff path somewhere between Folkestone and Dungeness. Blimey, all we need is Sherilyn Fenn screaming her head off... Not quite sure what has happened. Maybe it’s a lorry crash; maybe it was Al Quaeda. Anyway, everybody’s dead, except Guppy, who dies quite hilariously in Parklife’s arms; jerking and everything.

Minutes later, Parklife gets out of a cab in Walford. (Maybe this is the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves moment, when Kevin Costner tells Morgan Freeman that Nottingham is only 15 minutes’ walk from Dover.) Anyway, he ends up at Atkins’s flat. In Atkins’s bed! This can only end in tears. Of boredom!

YES SIR, THAT'S MY BAYBAY
My notes for this week have gone astray (probably still sitting on my iPaq somewhere in the Baron's lair), so it's a mixture of shoddy crib and fading memory this week.

You know it's bad week on EE when I start feeling ever so slightly sympathetic for GADawn. Well, now that everybody knows about GADawn and Slimy, it's scarlet letter time. Only GADawn doesn't have that much in the way of embroidery skillz, so she has to endure the pointy fingers of women who should know better. Babs and Mo point to Pat and tell her that GADawn will end up like her if she's not careful. So, let's look at those options for EE women in more detail shall we?

GAD --> Pat: own, mortgage-free house, own business, biggest collection of lairy earrings and giant leopard-print tops this side of Peckham. Houseful of vaguely-related Bennetton brats and Prison Bitch Bert buying you gin.

GAD --> Babs: battered woman, psychotic, spud-faced, prison-dodging offspring with severe committment problems. Assortment of ghastly grandchildren, one of which is a Beale Devil Child. Owns more wigs than Danny La Rue.

GAD --> Mo: living on sufferance in son-in-law's house with assorted grandchildren, friends of grandchildren, great-grandchildren posing as grandchildren. Deals in knock-off turkeys from Suffolk. Has slept with Prison Bitch Bert.

GAD --> Poline: ahhh...the life of a respectable East End matron. Spouse no. 1 dies in prison. Daughter knocked up by two (count 'em) pub landlords and living in Florida. Son dead - and hardly anybody noticed that he was alive anyway. Younger son knocks up a Dirty Jackson, kills Dirty Jackson's fiance, marries Dirty Jackson, divorces Dirty Jackson, gets back together with Dirty Jackson. Ends up dead in MacArfur Park, killed by Spouse no.2 because she never put out.

You decide!

Anyway, in the meantime, Dr SheWolf goes on her own charm offensive and gathers the youngish women on her side, starting off with Phoney. Yep. Phoney's out of the plot cupboard because it's time for the CUTEST BABY IN THE WORLD's jabs, and Dr SheWolf needs someone to go down the pub with. In the pub, Dr SheWolf tells GADawn to pack in her job because she doesn't want beer fumes affecting the Dawnlet's IQ or something. Dawn glowers at the nice ladies drinking wine in the corner while Babs tells her (again) that she's no better than she should be, and she's getting fat. Slimy arrives just as Dr SheWolf simpers something about adopting a baybay, and everybody applauds as she tries hard not to polish her halo in public.

GADawn has enough and announces her resignation to Babs. On Elf grounds.

Babs: Elf Grounds? Elf grounds? Strumpets don't have Elf grounds...

GAD: Well I do. ' Cos I'm pregnant.

pub gasps. I mean, who gets pregnant in this day and age?

GAD: (points to Slimy). With HIS BAYBAY!

Dr SheWolf looks busted.

Anyway, it doesn't help GADawn's standing in the community one bit. Nurse Tanyah shuns GAD's custom at the beauty shop, and Yolande gives her that cheek-sucking stare. GADawn gets Slimy to take her off to a hotel for the night, only Dr SheWolf sees them and realises the price she is really paying for motherhood, etc etc. Anyway, Friday's ep ends with her listening to them dry humping in the room next door, and Slimy promising to leave his ghastly, controlling wife etc etc.

Incidentally, has anybody else noticed how unconcerned Prison Bitch Bert seems to be at the death of Straight Pike? He's got troubles (ie, a plotline) of his own, anyway. Because somebody vaguely connected with him dumps his feral-faced hoody grandson on TriniDad and Yolande's doorstep. PB Bert tries to get rid of the brat, who has a great line in hollow-eyed stares and likes nothing better than to stare hollowly at the TV all day. Anyway, I suppose the plot line is all about how PB Bert learns about responsibility and that a life of petty crime and shagging Mo is a Bad Thing. Well, if it lands you with a friend like Straight Pike, you have to wonder. PB Bert also appears to be sniffing around Pat, much to Mo's displeasure. What happened there again?

Parklife's disappearance
Looks like Phil's done a runner - well you always could tell when he was just going through the motions. Carly does a lot of shouty "acting" and loses her job at the Arches. Ends up working on the stall. Atkins gets GADawn's job and is brassy. Deano: sad.

Fill and Sophie Thompson get back together again after Babs encourages him to stalk her. After all, he hasn't had a drippy co-dependent in his life for a while, and he's been getting a bit lonely. Ben starts collecting locks of Sophie's hair and bits of candle wax for the making of effigies.

Dasbo is wandering around with a big fat wallet full of cash, and lots of jiffy bags. I thought he might have secret camera in GADawn's bedroom, and has been selling Dawnporn, but @@ - who I suppose we should now call Libby, but I like @@ even though the key is in the wrong place on my laptop keyboard - finds out that he's been selling stuff on eBay and probably has a purple shooting feedback star by now. He appears to have got around the whole 'over 18' thing by using his dad's bank account. Hang on, Keef has a bank account?

AU REVOIR, LA MOOMIN
Who could it be??? Gasp – it is Straight Pike, coming to collect his belongings and confess all in the style of a Scooby doo villain. He explains to Dot that Poline was a miserable old bitch who didn’t even pretend to be nice to him and never put out or anything. He hit her with a frying pan on xmas day but she seemed fine afterwards (and let’s face it, he didn’t leave any visible marks) and it was all her fault anyway. Oh the dramatic irony that Poline would be laid low by her trusty husband battering pan. Dot starts screaming “Moiderer! Moiderer!” and dials the police, but Str8 Pike dashes the phone from her grasp (though it is still switched on so the 999 operator hears the whole confession). While they are grappling, Jim happens to be passing so he runs upstairs and um throws Str8 Pike out of the window! Ha ha, I’m not joking! Str8 Pike bounces off the porch, crashes through a market stall and lands in a heap on the pavement. Ouch, that’s going to leave a mark definitely. Buh bye Straight Pike, what a boring character you were. Does that mean your prison bitch Bert is leaving too? Oh.

By Monday, Moomin has been released, Str8 Pike has been pinned with Poline’s death and Jim has been cleared of any crime. Wow, that’s the quickest police investigation and inquest ever! Martin wants to get back together with Moomin but she thinks it is a bit quick, what with him accusing her of murder just last week etc and so on. Poline’s will is read out and Martin gets the house as long as that Dirty Jackson doesn’t live in it. Ian rubs his hands at the thought of Martin falling for Moomin’s ahem charms as that means he will get the house. Martin and Moomin bicker and make up and bicker again. They have sex at some point too and then Martin shouts that he just wanted a wife but Moomin couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be a lesbian! or read a book! or play the trumpet! Trumpet playing, literate married women all over the country give the TV a quizzical look.

In other news; Evil little scrote Ben manages to drive drippy Sophie Thompson out of the Vic and back to her damp bedsit.

GADawn, Smarmy Metrosexual and Smarmy Metrosexual’s luxuriant chest rug start canoodling again. Rob says he will leave Dr Fox after GADawn has the baby but they have to string Dr Fox along in the meantime. Dawn agrees because she is stupid.

We finally discover Parklife’s dark secret and it is v boring – basically he isn’t Deano or Carly’s real dad (that would be some bloke in the back alley behind the pub – a different one for each kid). Deano is shocked but then accepts it but that insufferable little madame Carly starts whining and carrying on until Parklife grabs his passport and drives off in the dead of night, never to be seen again hopefully. Meanwhile Atkins puts moves on Fill and Agarry (while wearing a black netting blouse like something Marylin Manson would wear in one of his shittay videos) and later gets slapped by Carly.

In the end Moomin decides to go to Manchester and live with Bianca so she can sort her life out. Also there might be a chance that her mum will actually visit her there! At the last minute, Martin throws himself in front of the Taxicab of Finality and says that him and Chloebacca are going too and Moomin just has to shut up and agree with it. Poor old Moomin does as she’s told and they kiss in the back seat while Chloebecca smiles like an evil little goblin between them. What a creepy shot. Then they drive off and I am heartily sick of them, so good. Buh bye Martin and Moomin, you have provided us with lots of laughs over the years, not many of them intentional but never mind. I expect to see Martin on the Bill and Moomin on Holby City any day now…

FATHEADS FOR JUSTICE
People keep disappearing and popping up in the most unexpected places this week.

First MMartin pops up to rage impotently at Fill. Fill slams Martin against a wall or two until Martin tells him that Moomin used her Moominpowers to do a Squeaky and took Chloebecca with her. Fill has Squeaky flashbacks. MMartin says he just wants to bring his baybay girl home, where she will be safe. Dude look around you. You haven't even sorted the lightbulb in the living room, let alone replace the fruitbowl and put glass back in the windows . MMartin has an Arfur-style meltdown and throws things around.

I admit I went off to make cakes for a bit, so the next thing I saw was some kind of tension between Sophie Thompson and Young Ben and then Ben's up on the Nick Cotton Memorial bridge of DOOM with Mmartin. Martin threatens to throw Ben under the next train. If he's on the Hammersmith & City, he,ll be there for a while. A crowd gathers and it.s just like that scene in Oliver. Not. Martin apologises to Ben and tells him that it,s all Fill's fault for helping Moomin get her Dirty Jackson hands on his little girl. Fill appears on the other side of the line, and you wonder where are the transport police. Anyway Martin gets talked down. Babs and Beale give Fill a hard time. Sophie tells Ben that it was all his fault for wandering off and disobeying his new Mummy, but that Ben should thank her for calming down Scary Fill. Way to go Evil Stepmother Sophie!

Atkins is still hanging around, trying to work the vacuum cleaner and chatting up AGarry when she's supposed to be doing the shopping. Carly spies her in the pub and flies into an Electra-esque rage. There's a East End traditional mother/daughter beer fight (we have them every week, only with gin instead of beer) and Parklife has to break them up. Carly says she's leaving. Parklife then explains that Carly is very protective of her brothers, especially the one that died. Atkins decides to go, and then doesn't, and I'm just too bored to care.

Somehow Atkins manages to get a job in the Vic - perhaps Babs is working on the principle that if the barmaid looks rougher than the clientele, they might behave themselves. She also gets a flat and threatens to reveal Parklife's Dark Secret if he doesn't stop telling her to clear off. Parklife: shifty.

GADawn goes to the abortion clinic again. She'll be getting a loyalty card at this rate. Dr Shewolf dispatches Slimy to bring the bitch and her foetus back by any means necessary. This of course means that Slimy has to pretend that he really does love GADawn and wasn't just using her as a pressure-free shag, and that he is going to leave Dr She Wolf as soon as the baybay is born. GADawn calls off the d&c and goes home. Again. The receptionist nearly gnaws her other hand off in frustration.

Moomin decides to return to the Square and give herself up before Martin gets hold of a Batman costume and decides to dangle DC Lucy from the roof of the community centre. There is a tedious two-hander where she apologises for all the bad things that she has done to MMartin. Not once does she mention that he got her pregnant at 15 and then killed the LOVE OF HER LIFE; and nobody liked Poline anyway. Instead, she says she's innocent and she's going to use all her Moominpowers to prove it. She wants to go to the cop shop and turn herself in under her own steam, but MMartin sneakily calls the police so they drag her away in front of a howling mob got up specially for the occasion by Mo.

Pat's Goddess powers are in overdrive this week. First she calms down Parklife and stops him from killing Atkins with his bare hammy hands. Then she tells Dot that dobbing Moomin in to the coppers was the right thing to do. Dot finds Poline's old laundrette coat and takes it over to the burnt out shell of the Fowler house to lay Poline's restless ghost to rest or something. But then she hears a strange noise...and it's...[drums...music...credits...trailer for Waking The Dead]

In other news: Naomi has taken up residence in the plot cupboard. Dadley is openly shunning JoJo. err...that's it.

LEADEANO OF THE PACK

This a bit of a crappy crib as I am super busy at work and doing lots of overtime at the moment.

Deano is wandering round acting all drunken and angry (well, I say “acting”….) and Chelski is sniffing round and being vaguely protective, even though she totally doesn’t fancy him, oh no. At one point Deano gets into a funny fight with Jojo where she smacks him and they throw each others’ cheap market crap on the floor. Chelski horns in and waggles her finger at JoJo all “oh no you didn’t, girlfriend” like a guest on Jerry Springer. In the end Chelski drags Deano away and he drives around randomly with her in a car off the lot and overacts – it turns out that when he went round to see Atkins she was – gasp – shagging some bloke and now he all traumatised etc. Well Deano, if you thought that your mother was actually a virgin then you’re even stupider than we all thought.

Meanwhile, Dadley bins off a posh hotel date with Jojo because Nurse Tanyah wants him to pick up Abi from school. Jojo makes up for it by dragging him into the bogs of the Vic for some canoodling. Hmm, the smell of urinal tablets is so arousing. Not. Dadley gets so carried away that he forgets to pick his kid up and she walks home, just in time for drunken annoying Deano to come tearing round the corner in his charabanc of doom!! Oh no no no no, look out, look out, look out, crash! Etc. He runs over Abi and the car must be oddly designed with all the padding on the outside and the hard metal on the inside, as Abi just has a broken wrist and Deano ends up in a coma with a punctured lung and broken ribs. Okayyyy.

Nurse Tanyah is so furious that she says Dadley has to sleep on the sofa, but then he gets back in her good books by being a bit caring or something. I don’t know. He also dumps Jojo and JoJo she is sad.

In other news

Sophie Thompson wants to plan a surprise birthday party for Vic, but realises that Fill hasn’t got any friends. Ha ha. While she is snooping around she finds his box of ex-bitches with all photos of Squeaky and Kaffee et al. for some inexplicable reason this makes her feel inadequate (um have you looked at Fill lately love) so she gets herself all gussied up and Jojo tells her she looks like a cheap whore (from JoJo = compliment). Fill says he luvs her just the way she is – ie timorous and wet. Ben ruins the surprise party anyway but he’s going to get thrown off a bridge soon so he may as well enjoy himself while he can.

JoJo is mean to Bradley and his new bird.

Naomi, Agarry and Minty realise that they are finally going to be evicted and decide to buy a place together.

Someone phones Atkins so she can visit Deano in orspital but he doesn’t die, dammit. He asks her to stick around anyway. Pat and Atkins have a blonde hardfaced scrubber stand off and there are more hints re Parklife’s dark secret. Also Carly squawks “nobody wants you here!” about three hundred times.

GADawn says she will have an abortion after all if she isn’t allowed to see Smarmy anymore. God, we have nine months of this bullshit…

And finally Martin suddenly pops up, smashes Fill’s car and shouts “Where’s Sonyah!!???”

(also i have finally got round to updating my Capital Ring blog - link to the right!!)

ARE YOU GONNA BE MY BIRD?
Very quick and dirty crib for the week before last. Sorry all!

1. BABYGATE
Dr Foxy is turning into Dr Queen Wolf, but at least she's getting down with her bad self and not whining about ovaries any more. GADawn still thinks she can win Slimy back with her functional fallopian tubes, and demands large sums of money, plus expenses for carrying the embryonic Dawncub to full term. Slimy gets her to sign a contract that promises to carry the baby to full term, and hand him over without any arguments. Then he sends Dr Foxy over with the money. GADawn: sad, but not noticeably pregnant yet. Keef somehow realises that she's preggers - using unheard-of sonar skills that he learned off the Discovery Channel, perhaps - and offers fatherly support.

2. STACEYGATE
Not Yet Text Pest BroJo's back from his holidays sans Davetta, who by now is obviously tango-ing her little heart out in some Argentine bordello. He suspects that JoJo's got something unsavoury going on and starts hitting any male who gets within kissing distance. JoJo carries on with Dadley. A nation is mystified but slightly creeped out by BroJo's brotherly protectiveness.

3. STELLAGATE
Think you've got the idea now. Stella/Sophie Thompson is still competing with a ten year old boy for Fill's attention, and doesn't appear to think this is a bad thing. Anyway, she also gets mildly jealous that Fill has found a properly dodgy replacement for Dodgy Marcus. Stunt Marcus is responsible for getting Moomin freed on bail. Fill asks Stella to move in above the pub permanently. Maybe he's going to offer free conveyancing with every ten pints or something.

4. ATKINSGATE
First PB Bert, now Deano gets his own plot...what is the world coming to? Deano is depressed because Atkins is in town. Chelski offers to help him on the stall, and he makes a move on her. Chelski knocks him back. Deano: sadder yet suddenly less pointless.

5. MOOMINGATE
Stunt Marcus (temp nickname) gets Moomin freed on bail, but MMartin still won't let her poison Chloebecca with her Dirty Jackson ways. He tells Moomin that they can't bury Poline until the post-mortem is complete, and that's the only reason why she's not in Bad Girls yet. Moomin decides to make a break for it, and Fill hides her from the police when they come to arrest her for MOIDER! Before she goes, Moomin persuades Panto Jane to let her see Chloebecca one last time while everybody's pretending to be sad at Poline's memorial service, and then activates her Moomin powers to disappear the two of them into a taxi right under MMartin's nose. MMartin: cross.

This week we have just two main plots to entertain us, and because I have the so-called “January blues” I watched every second of it, for the first time in ages!

ATKINS DIE(T) !!
Hurrah! Atkins finally shows up in Albert Square, but before much happens we get a close up of her torn fishnet stockings, black microskirt and red shiny pleather jacket, just in case we were in any doubt that she is a PROPER SLAGGG! Meanwhile, in Pat’s care home for benneton esque family arrangements, Chelski and Carly are arguing about the bathroom and Deano has a hangover from NYE. What is the point of Deano again? At least he is not unpleasant to look at, I suppose. Somehow, Parklife gets wind of Atkins appearance and rushes off to thwart her. He drags her into the gents’ bog (as if an open unattended public toilet in London still exists) and spends about three hours overacting at her, forcing her to beg, pushing her around and tipping a rubbish bin over her. I was not a big fan of Parklife and his dubious acting at the best of times but now I actively dislike him. Atkins takes it all with hatchet faced stoicism and eventually says she’ll leave Walford after Parklife threatens to beat her up.

Carly is on the way to the funeral when she spots Parklife and Atkins bickering and uses hitherto unsuspected ninja skillz to hide behind a lamp post and watch. After Parklife has gone home to whine to Mrs Goggins, Carly phones him to ask why he isn’t going to the funeral and he tells her loads of lies. Carly makes a gurny face (actually her acting is not too bad this week) and then ninjas up the stairs of the tube station behind Atkins’ back and comes down off the platform just as she is buying a tube ticket. They are all “oh, fancy meeting you here” and start chatting. It turns out that there isn’t a train for a while (eh? Tube had Sunday service on NY day) so Carly invites “Sue” back to hers for a cuppa and a bath (???? - I know they have to get her out of the way somehow so the others can chat about her but still…) where, of course, Parklife sees her and makes a gurny face.

After the stupid, plot mandated bath, Atkins is sitting in the kitchen and everyone is making veiled comments until Carly finally yells, “I know she’s our mum!” and the cat it is out of the bag. Parklife carries on blustering but Carly insists that her and Deano speak to Atkins alone. Atkins explains that she wasn’t ready for kids and had to run away but wants to get to know them now. Carly tells her it isn’t good enough and tells her to get out and Deano reluctantly agrees. As she is stomping off, Atkins phones Parklife and tells him that he has to smooth things over with the kids, or else she will tell everyone Parklife’s Dark Secret. Parklife makes a “ruh roh” face. I hope his Dark Secret is really embarrassing.

Mrs Goggins says that Parklife is scaring her (thus setting up a scene where she sees Parklife hit Atkins and goes “yoiks, my new man is a woman beater too!!”) and then inexplicably goes to the pub where Atkins is failing to charm the likes of Minty, Agarry and Fill with her non-sparkling disposition. Atkins and Goggins banter a bit and then Atkins begs for Mrs G to give her contact details to the kids. Mrs Goggins throws the bit of paper away but then has an attack of guilt and gets it out of the bin again.

CSI: WALFORD
After spending the last week running round shouting that Poline was a nasty old hag, Str8 Pike finally apologises to Martin and asks to come to the funeral. Martin says yes as long as he keeps the hell away from him. Everyone else gets dolled up to the funeral, with lots of feathery black hats like partially dismembered crows for the ladies. Minty and Garry miss it because one of them forgot to set the alarm (so EE actually admits that they sleep together now?) and Mo has non comedy shenans with the buffet.

Moomin is keeping Chloebecca welded to her side to avoid her asking any of those awkward “Why did mummy batter granny to death” type questions. They all go to the church and Chloebecca slips away. Dot goes after her and Chloebecca asks her “Why does mummy keep trying to use her Moomin powers on me? What is she trying to hide?” Meanwhile, Martin and Ian snivel and overact as they give speeches (I probably haven’t mentioned it but I love the new DC Stephen! He is a hilariously bad actor. Also DC Lucy appears to be turning into Rachel Stephens.) Moomin rushes out to stop Chloebecca spilling any beans but it is too late. Dot asks Moomin what is going on and Moomin simpers unconvincingly and says “Why, what can you mean Dot? Nothing is going on? I certainly didn’t beat Poline’s brains out with my fearsome moominpaws! Nosiree!” Dot looks sad and thoughtful. They go back to the church and Dot acts like she is going to give it all away in her speech. She doesn’t but then nips outside and calls the cops. They arrive just in time to stop Poline’s withered husk of evil finally being committed to a fiery furnace to the strains of Dusty Springfield, and whisk it off for an autopsy.

In other news:

- Dr Fox gets through a scene without whining about her ovaries once!

- Jojo slinks around in a horrid, rat skin looking coat and canoodles with Dadley right under Nurse Tanyah’s nose. She sets up a date with him in the Park of Contemplation and gets all gussied up in quite a nice dress, for JoJo. Dadley stands her up though, as Nurse Tanyah has let her kids make her over in a 15 yr old, Claire’s Accessories stylee and it gives him the horn (which is quite creepy really).

Back at Walford, everyone piles into the pub and gossips about the shock scandal. Mo jokes that Poline must have been bumped off by Mr Opodopolos, in league with Betty the dog. That makes about as much sense as anything else in this stupid soap. Ian overhears them and squeals, “Do you think it’s funny? Do you think it’s funny?” No Ian, but your acting is making me laugh.

Dot swoons and takes to her bed. Moomin stands around with the police going “Ha ha ha, Dot is totally senile, she makes up crazy shit all the time!” and Chloebecca slips away yet again (she must go to the same ninja class as Carly) and Moomin goes after her to find Martin on Losers Bench. The plot rapidly takes a sharp turn towards bobbins-ville as Martin has turned into a crazy paranoid nutcase and mutters that he knows who did it, someone who hated Poline and wanted to wreak a vicious revenge on her. Moomin starts whimpering but Martin actually means Str8 Pike (whom he likens to Fred West!) and wants to go and beat a confession out of him. Moomin says that that might not be such a good idea so Martin starts screaming that if she’s not with him she’s against him (seriously!) and runs off into the night to beat up a convenient scarecrow (seriously! – though I was hoping that they would superimpose Str8 Pike’s face onto the scarecrow and play spooky music before he did it). Moomin goes home and Dot tells her to confess whatever the hell it is she has done. Moomin doesn’t want to as she says no one will like her then. Oh Moomin, no one likes you anyway. Ian finds Martin and sends him home where – gasp – Str8 Pike is waiting to apologise. Martin jumps on him and starts to choke the bitch. Moomin stands around watching while Dot keeps going, “Ahem, haven’t you got something you’d like to tell everyone, Moomin?” Moomin eventually shouts, “It was me!” in a weird honky voice and everyone stares at her. Moomin and Martin have a long, dull conversation (which seems like a good time to make tea) and then Martin sneaks Chloebecca away to Poline’s palace of misery. Moomin goes after her and Martin turns nasty and says he will never let Moomin see her again. Moomin cries and then slaps Martin, so Martin drags her outside by the hair and throws her roughly to the ground, just in time for her to be arrested by the police for MOIDER!!!

POLINE CONVERSION
So anyway, your boyfriend dumps you in a quite nasty and humiliating way in front of his faaancy office friends, after one of them has tried to get it on with you in the toilets etc etc. You're feeling angry, hungover, and rather sad, so what do you do? Yes, that's right girls, you go and have sex with your ex's dad. Though this is only after you've dressed up like Morticia Addams at the beach and had a go at everyone in the pub on Christmas Day. Hang on a minute, what were they all doing in the pub on Christmas Day anyway? Normal families are snoozing in front of Wallace & Gromit while the offspring bicker about whose go it is on the Wii...

Well, that's about it for JoJo then. She slinks around all week, tempting Dadley into her single bed and getting him all hot and bothered while muttering darkly about revenge. Bradley looks embarrassed because NurseTanyah and Duckface thinks she's still in with a chance. He tries to get her to pay for the damage to his new motor (£300?! I want the name of that mechanic), and then tells her that she doesn't have to pay ...I think I fell asleep at this point. Anyway, Dadley does lots of sneaking around. JoJo wears lots of make-up and announces that she wants to be Dadley's Bit On The Side. Woah...ambitious, eh?

Phoney decides to try and be a Proper Mum to the cute Downs baby before she dies. Only she insists that she gets a proper name instead of "Petal". Billy: happy.

The non-comedy nonsense involves Minty, Fill and AGarry dressing up as Santa and getting caught in the chimney or something. Chloebecca tells Santa that she wants a cardigan for Christmas. Moomin cries NOOOOOOOO! and runs into the night.

Not really. But Poline is off to Florida to live with Shell and possibly take up a professorship in Advanced Miserablism at the University of North Beach. Somehow Shell has managed to book a last-minute flight at the busiest time of the year, and no damn Heathrow fog isn't going to dissuade Poline from her mission to spread gloom and greyness to the sunny shores of Miami. Not even the Bealemeister whingeing about how he is but her apprentice in Evil, and if she goes, only Panto Jane will give a monkey's toss about him. Well, you could always give Patrick a job. Moomin appears, and I missed the two-hander between her and Poline because it was bathtime, but Mr P says it was rather good, and Moomin lamps Poline.

Poline goes to drop one last morsel of poison into the Vic's champagne bucket, but suddenly gets a bit of a headache in MacArfur Park, and drops down dead in front of Loser's Bench. MMartin finds her, face down in the snow (wtf?!). Moomin: looks slightly guilty. Chloebecca won't talk to Moomin, and tells her that she saw her hit Poline. Moomin: guiltier. MMartin hears a Last Voicemail from Poline that apologises to everyone for all the hurt and misery she has caused. What...all of it? Moomin: guilty as a big guilty sack of guilt.

NurseTanyah and Dadley decide to have their Christmas party anyway, and Dot agrees that it's what Poline would have wanted. A nation cries: "You what?!?" Straight Pike escapes from the Plot Cupboard for one last hurrah. MMartin tells him that Poline is dead as he's packing his stuff. Straight Pike is shocked. Prison Bitch Bert takes him off to the pub, where he sits and looks shocked until somehow he gets into the party. Everybody goes quiet, and then Straight Pike says: "Oh who cares? She was an evil old witch and I'm glad she's dead." Everybody: shocked and appalled. MMartin tries to get Pike to attend Poline's funeral, but he says the only reason he'd go is to dance on her grave or something. Anyway, even Fill is mildly shocked, but then he's still reeling from the announcement that Sophie Thompson is moving into the Vic. Actually, that's an EE record. From solicitor to live-in barmaid in less than a month. She's still not quite getting on with Ben.

Over at the Dolescums, Dasbo tries to seduce the DVD girl, but fails utterly and gets his photo on the Internet or something. Dr Foxy follows GADawn around, muttering about her blissfully uncomplicated fallopian tubes and working ovaries. GADawn spends the abortion money on a vile pair of purple boots, and arranges an NHS termination instead. Dr Foxy offers her loads of money for the baby (oh yes, we saw that one coming, didn't we readers?). GADawn tells her she's a mentalist harpy. Dr Foxy tells Slimy to go and save his BABY'S LIFE or she won't let him live with her any more or whatever. Slimy persuades GADawn not to abort, and GADawn fails to realise that it's just another Slimy ruse and thinks he still loves her. Mickney: glad to be an uncle, and significantly less...orange...since we last saw him.

Meanwhile, at the Wicks/Evans Palace of Truth and Beauty, the Parklifes cancel their annual "Drink Your Way Around The World in Five Hours-athon" in deference to Mrs Goggins's feelings about drunkards. They do some lame party games instead, and much fun is not had by all. But...in the Other Pub where EE characters go to have out-of-square crises, Atkins off Bad Girls is serving fat blokes and looking bored. Then, out of the blue, she decides to go and visit the family! Hurrah for Atkins!

(NOT) KNOCKED-UP DOC?
I don't see the final unravelling of Poline's WEB OF LIES, but I do see the build up.

Everybody's sad about Poline's brain tumour (except Moomin, but she hides it well).Straight Pike calls the hospital to find out when Poline can go in for her brain scan. Poline tries to tell him that her oncologist perished in a bizarre gardening accident and she fried the MRI machine with a laser blast meant for Moomin. Mmartin mooches Oedipally. Straight Pike tries Doctor Foxy but Dr is too busy injecting herself with baby-making drugs to care.

Anyway, Straight Pike finds out the way the plot is going and outs Poline as a liar. Everyone moves in with Moomin. Chloebecca thinks that the house smells of wee and wants to go back to Poline's, where the air is ripe with bracing odour of brimstone and charred banana.

Meanwhile, Ben doesn't like Sophie Thompson and pretends to lose his glasses/smashes his hearing aid/leave horses' heads on Sophie's sofa. Fill: uncomprehending.

@@ tries to get to the bottom of the Mystery of the Positive Pregnancy Test, but Parklife finds out and starts throwing accusations at any menstruating female within 100 yards. Eventually Mrs G buys two more pregnancy tests, and hands them to Chelski and Carly. Chelski and Carly show negative,and the whole family looks suspiciously at @@. Not really. Everybody goes: “Hmmmm…whoever could it be? Oh, haven’t we got to return GADawn’s coat?”

I can't quite understand why a doctor and a city trader type have to sell their Barretts starter home and live in a one-bed flat so that they can afford IVF, but there you go. Slimy gets hacky looks from assorted Dolescums. GADawn glares and momentarily deludes herself that Slimy is just waiting for the right time to dump Dr Foxy and move in with her. Slimy says that no, he wants to make posh test tube babies with Dr Foxy, not rough working class organic babies with GADawn, and offers her some abortion money. GADawn throws him out, then goes to Dr Foxy to arrange the abortion. Either that shows hitherto unknown levels of irony on GADawn's part or she really is that stupid. Oh, my mistake: it’s a flimsy plot device….

Slimy sees GAD stomping out of the surgery and rushes in to tell Dr Foxy that no, he is definitely not the father of GAD’s baby, but Dr Foxy says: “Umm…hang on a minute…married man…barren wife…pack your things and go, Bastard Face”. The following morning, she stops GAD in the street and smacks her one. Way to go with that Hippocratic oath, Doc. Later, Slimy tries to tell Dr Foxy that it was all over with GAD months ago, and he probably isn’t the father anyway. GAD tells Dr to check the dates and work it out for herself, after all, as GAD says: “You’re supposed to be the brainy one”. Go Go GADawn! Slimy left gaping in the street as wife and ex-girlf storm off in opposite directions.

Oh alright then…there’s another fight at Dot’s this time, and Chloebecca has to summon all her Moominpowers to make them stop shouting at each other. This involves shouting: “Stop shouting!” into the living room. Poline is affronted by a six-year-old child having a voice – after all Mmartin didn’t get his own lines until he was at least 13 and it didn’t do him any harm. She scuttles back to her lair to stick pins into Moomindolls, and Mmartin and Moomin decide to reveal the identity of Chloebecca’s real parents in the form of a fairy story. It would have been so much better as a light-sabre duel over the car pit in the arches, wouldn’t it.

Next door, Bradley is getting into trouble with Stacey over his faaancy City ways. Apparently he’s been given the task of organizing the firm’s Christmas party with the help of two posh PR fluffy types. Male PR fluffy bosses Bradley around and teases him about eating whelks for breakfast and being common; while Female PR fluffy wears very short skirts and gives him advice about how not to be common. Stacey is busy looking for a flat, which they are going to pay for with Bradley’s huge City bonus, apparently. Female PR fluffy pouts and invites Bradley out for sushi and more advice on not being common. Bradley blushes and goes out with the fluffy rather than look at a flat. Stacey: cross. Male PR fluffy teases Bradley about being 18 and not driving a car yet. Bradley says: “Umm…no actually, I’ve got a car. It’s green…and it’s…sporty with a...umm soft top…”. Then he goes out and buys an green soft-top sports car of some description (looks like a Peugeot from here) instead of spending it on a deposit. Stacey: crosser.

In other news. AGarry and Minty try to get Naomi to find them a flat. She doesn't, but does get a part time job at the surgery. Without an interview or checks or anything...wow. Fill makes them do something unspecified to the pub fireplace that was prompted by Sophie Thompson going on about chestnuts roasting on an open fire or something.

Other news 2: Ex Prison-now-Pat’s Bitch Bert doesn’t want to go to his wife’s funeral, then he doesn’t, then he does. He encounters a merry band of hooded urchins terrorizing the crematorium and is torn between horror and pride when he discovers that the Lead Hoodie is his grandson. What are the chances...etc.

EIGHT GO MAD IN DORSET
After all the excitement last week it is the LAW OF SOAP that this week has to be really shit. First of all, Parklife, Mrs Goggins, their assorted kids, Trinidad and Yolande all use Parklife's prize money to go to Dorset. In December. Right. I think a easyjet tip to malaga or something would have been more convincing but never mind.

@@@ has taken to calling Trinidad “grampa” and has started buying him horrible novelty records saying that there is no one quite like him etc etc. Trinidad pulls gurny faces and eventually confesses that it is all a tissue of lies! All the Gogginses are shocked and appalled but Trinidad says it wasn’t a scam and that he just wanted a proper family after his two idiot sons were written out of the show and everyone miraculously forgot about the whole foster parent malarkey.

Carly and Beano mooch around the village and meet a pub landlord who used to be mates with Parklife and who is something of a silver fox. Carly flirts with him but Deano keeps sabotaging it, possibly because he fancies the landlord too. Anyway, it turns out that Silver Fox is in cahoots with Parklife’s ex-wife/Carly & Deano’s mum, who is played by that hard faced one off Bad Girls who everyone thought escaped but ended up dying a horrible death in a sealed up room or something. Anyway, she contrives to meet the kids without telling them who she is. She later confronts Parklife and he goes “You’re dead to me! Our other son died and you didn’t even come to the funeral! Bitch!” He says they all have to leave Dorset and race back to London, but Mrs Ex Parklife says it isn’t over yet, oh no.

On the way back @@@ finds a pregnancy testing thing – who could it be, gosh gasp???

Meanwhile back in Walford, Prison Bitch Bert has a plot all of his own. Don’t encourage him pls thanks. He goes to visit his dying ex wife in the hospice and takes Pat instead of Mo as presumably he doesn’t want Mo stealing all the morphine and then selling it on at Chloe Becca’s nativity play. Mo is jealous and Charlie tries to be the voice of reason as usual, but as usual turns out to be the rather too high pitched voice of ineffectuality.

They bring Mrs Ex Burt back so she can die on Pat’s sofa. Umm OK – I hope those sofa cushion covers can be dry cleaned. They talk about the past and it turns out that Bert’s daughter also died of cancer without ever knowing about Bert, but that he has a long lost grandson who will no doubt be shoe horned uncomfortably into Walford in the next few weeks. Mrs Ex Bert says she wants to kiss Bert, even though he has an ugly beard (that’s no way to talk about Mo!!) and then karks it. Back to Poline’s reign of terror now please!!!

SOMETHING KINDA YAWWN
Sooo sorry this is late (and quick - life took over from blogging again)

We're building up to Davetta's big exit with some odd, Oedipan shenanigans from BroJo re: JoJoMa. JoJo's busy trying to prove to JoJo Ma that BroJo isn't dead by making him turn up on the doorstep. Sorry darling, but wouldn't the sight of her long lost son on the threshold when she's not taking her meds properly trigger a major episode? Bradley doesn't think it's such a good idea, and neither does BroJo. He skedaddles, and JoJo trudges back home to watch the final of Make Me A Supermodel with Bradders and a nice cup of tea. Bradley decides not to dump her just yet.

BroJo goes to the club and starts chatting up Preeti - who I shall call Duckface on account of her looking like, well, a duck. JoJo sees him getting cosy with Duckface and asks herif she isn't a bit old for BroJo. I can't remember if there are fisticuffs, but Duckface ends up in bed with BroJo anyway. JoJo heads Davetta off at the foot of the stairs, and I'm not sure where Davetta's been either. Anyway, JoJo works out that BroJo is only after Davetta's money. A nation belms. JoJo tries to get him to dump Davetta, but they find her crying over Tony Bennet's ashes (careful now, you don't want to go mixing them with Barry's) and decide to string her along for a few more days.

Speaking of which, Billy won't let Baby Petal go to foster parents before the adoption. Phoney's already packing the sleepsuits.

GADawn should have known, should have cared, should have hung around the kitchen in her underwear, acting like a lady instead of chasing after Slimy Metrosexual and discovering that he is married to *gasp* Hot Lady Doctor! She smashes his windscreen and stomps home. Slimy Metrosexual avoids getting beaten up by Mickney and tells GADawn that he loves her but he can't leave his wife. GADawn offers herself up for a charity auction date (eh?? Oh yes, Children in Need). AGarry 'wins' her, but she runs off crying.

Dasbo seems to have gone into some kind of dodgy business with BodySnatched Peter following Keef's decision to close down the market stall because he can't be arsed or something.

The replacement for Dodgy Marcus - last seen heading off to the Bahamas with a suitcase full of Mitchell cash - is funnier and less smug than her big sister Sophie Thompson. Sophie leaves Fill's legal papers in her flat, then her car breaks down, and she loses her keys, so Fill has to step in like Sancho Panza depping for the Don. A nation says: "She's neither squeaky, blonde, nor man-faced! And she's got A-levels! It'll never last!" Ben: not happy. Babs: thinks that dating a lawyer is a bit of a step up from the usual lady gangsters and part-time barmaids. The Beale tries to tell Sophie that Fill is a heartbreaker, a dream taker and lovebreaker whom nice girls shouldn't mess with. I love it when Beale gets weaselly. Go with your badass self, Bealemeister!