THE FINAL COUNTDOWN PT II: WHEN TWO TRIBES GO TO BORE
After Monday night’s vague enjoyableness (maybe I am kidding myself and just have fond memories of Mickney falling over a lot) not much happens on Tuesday.

The Tanyettes find out about Tanyah’s be-bunned oven and bicker, carry on and act authentically bratty. Dadley takes out a big life insurance policy on himself and Nurse Tanyah jokes about greasing the stairs so she can make a claim. I hope that isn’t foreshadowing as any fule kno that the only way to kill your husband on EE is to batter him with a novelty canine-themed doorstop.

GADawn hangs around outside the cop shop waiting for her precious Mr Smarmypants to be released. Meanwhile Chez Dolescum, Keef and Mickney start squawking about how Smarmy is an evil wife batterer who can never darken their doors again. When GADawn finds out she tells them all to shut up and hustles Smarmy into the kitchen. I am finding GADawn wholly dislikeable at the moment, even when Dr Fox is pushing her down flights of stairs. Smarmy goes to see Dr Fox at the surgery but she summons Naomi and Smarmy runs away at the sight of strapping black lesbian. He goes back when Naomi has left and Dr Fox is all “so what are you going to do? Hit me again?” Smarmy makes an evil/ambiguous face. Hmm, maybe EE is trying to mess with our expectations and make Smarmy the baddy, but I think the message the audience is going to get is more like “No wonder he’s beating his wife when she’s so crazy!” And this is the same show that once ran a v good wife beating storyline with Psycho Trevor and Drippy all those years ago. Sigh.

@@ is all set to meet her Cyber-nonce. She tries to borrow some clothes from Chelski but Chelski says no and calls her “Ugly Betty”. @@ borrows them anyway (even though she looks stupid) and gets Yolande to braid her hair up. @@ then takes her sad little picnic to the park and there are some “tension building” hedge-cam shots of the nonce staring at her through a shrubbery. Yolande and the Bennetons are all “ohs noes, Where has @@ gone? She is probably being abducted by paedophile scum right now!!” but it just turns out to be Dasbo, who couldn’t think of another way to say he lurved @@. Awww. @@ runs off in a strop.

DVDLi makes Mickney put on a suit and practise being charming to ladies and then is all jealous when he does it. Oh whatever. Wake me up when he’s chained to a barrel with Atkins or Pat approaching him with a strap-on.

Dot does her peace brokering thing and arranges a tea party for the Mitchell/Beale feud to be resolved. Fill is very late and Ian prints out a list of all the Mitchell wrongdoings which he wants them all to sign so he can scan it and put it on his myspace page or something. They are all bickering (or else standing in the background saying “rhubarb rhubarb”) until Ben remembers that the whole row was over an unpaid for saveloy at the caff and an unpaid for drink at the Vic. They try to get comedy mileage out of the word “saveloy” but my heart is dead to such blatant pandering. Ben offers to pay for the items if it will make the madness stop. Ian and Fill are shamed into making up, shake hands on it and then the blokes and kids agree to go all camping together and the women agree on a mass hair-patting session. As they all leave, the Bealemeister makes a face like “Yes, Mitchell, we’ll go camping! Camping in HELL!!!”

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN PT 1: PIMP MY SPIDE
Dr Fox makes squirrelly faces and pops more pills. She has got a black eye but I’m not sure if Smarmy gave it to her or she has been busy with the felt tip pens. She phones in sick and sits in a corner rocking and thinking about her barren womb, before putting on a severe black suit/dress thing and going to the pub. Naomi pops out of the plot cupboard long enough to see her, and ask what’s wrong. Dr Fox says she walked into a door ahem ahem and then starts crying. Naomi insists that she kalls the kops. They get a young Asian copper we have never seen before who goes to question Smarmy. Smarmy and GADawn are all indignant like “what is that crazy bitch up to now?” Smarmy is dragged off to the police station while Dr Fox watches and says “gibber gibber” and GADawn is all “Why I oughtta…” and tries to run over and batter her.

@@ is supposed to be revising but instead is spending all her time in one of those “chat rooms” on the “internets” that the young people seem to enjoy so much these days. Yolande sticks her oar in for some reason and is worried that her chat-friend is one of those cyber-nonces like on Chris Morris. @@ says that she is sure that he is a nice boy her own age and agrees to meet him. We see a back shot of the mystery paedo and it could possibly be Dasbo but it’s hard to tell for sure.

The maryjane is not growing well in the plot cupboard so DVDLi wants to pimp Mickney’s ass out to the matrons of Walford. Mickney is not eager to spend his working days with a ball gag in his mouth and gets a job at the Kwik E Mart with Trini Dad instead. He accidentally throws away a load of non expired yogurt (DVDLi tricks him into it – apparently Mickney is too thick to convert months into numbers…) and then has a hilariously shit sequence of accidents that ends up destroying half the stock. Back to the man-whoring for Mickney.

Nurse Tanyah and Dadley discuss the baby and also getting out a business loan. Exciting!

The Mitchell slash Beale feud rumbles towards its Tragic! Deadly! Conclusion! Wow, it’s like Romeo and Juliet but retarded. Cruestella tries to apologise directly to DC Lucy but Pjane sees her and tells her to get lost. Cruestella runs home and cries like a big gimp – not so easy picking on someone over the age of 10, eh Stel? – so Babs goes and has a row with Pjane and accuses her of being an unfit mother or something. Pjane tells Babs to do one and says “Oooo! I’m really scared!” in a sarcastic voice when Babs threatens her with something. Later on Ian goes to the laundrette and discovers that Phoney has shrunk all his woolly jumpers – he takes this as a sign of Mitchell eviltude, rather than Phoney’s incredible stupidity and has a huge row in the laundrette with Fill, Billy, Babs and Pjane. Dot wheels out a few biblical homilies and squeals ”Think of the children!” Just as Stupid Plot Baby and Baby Janet both start crying. Yes, think of the children as they – spoiler – plummet to the bottom of the canal in a deadly death crash horror of death!!!!!

SOMETHING KINDA "OW"!

Smarmy and Dawn have one day to get out of their love shack – Smarmy goes to draw out some money to get a deposit on a new place but Dr (Crazy like a) Fox has already emptied their joint account. She says she did it to help Smarmy so he would realise that GADawn is just a gold digging vixen. Meanwhile Dole Scum Keef has some money of Dawn’s (benefits or something, I dunno) but he has spent it all on cans of Special Brew. The love birds have to move in Chez Dole Scum. Later on GADawn has a dramatic confrontation with Dr Fox and the Dr pushes her down a flight of stairs. Heh.

The baby is OK and Dr Fox is all contrite and tearful, not wanting to be grassed up to the fuzz. She pops some pills (yes, Dr Fox, that’s all you need with your robust mental state – more drugs!!) and asks Smarmy round to patch things up. She gives him a list of their assets so they can share them out but then starts putting sexy moves on him. Smarmy notices that the nursery is still set up and there is a big circle on the calendar marked “the day my baby is born, bwa ha ha.” He realises that Dr Fox is still loony tunes and has to fight his way out of the apartment.

Dasbo and @@ fall out over Gus (??? Does Dasbo fancy him too, I don’t know…) and then @@ starts chatting online to a mystery boy. This will be Important For Later.

There is flu going round and Bradley, a Tanyette and Tanyah all succumb to it. JoJo looks after Bradley but is then annoyed when Duckface barges in with a klingon wordsearch book or something for Bradders to do. JoJo hassles Dadley to divorce Nurse Tanyah and move in with her. He arranges a rental of a showflat with horrid tan coloured fur wallpaper (that’s what it looked like to me) and gives her a vomtastic yellow nightie thing to wear. It is Dadley’s birthday and Jojo demands that she spends the evening with Dadley in the Fur Flat. Hateful Dadley engineers a row so he can ditch Tanyah and re-explore joJo’s ladygarden, even though Tanyah has cooked a nice meal and bought him a watch and made a cake etc. Tanyah is understandably annoyed and goes on a rampage of suspicion – finding evidence that Dadley is playing away. She marches down the street (past JoJo, who makes an excellent “gulp!” face) and starts laying into Carly, even though Dadley was just trying to sell her insurance. Of course, if I found my partner was cheating on me, I’d be more interested in talking to my partner than the bit on the side, but what would I know? I’m not a badly written soap opera character. In the aftermath, Tanyah announces that she’s pregnant. Gasp!

They have a discussion and Tanyah wants to get an abortion as she doesn’t trust Dadley. Dadley tells a story about how when he was a kid, Jim beat up a black mate of his and then locked him up in a coffin! Don’t ask me. Tanyah accepts this bizarre anecdote as an excuse for his shiftiness and they agree to keep the baby. Meanwhile, Bradley finds the telltale yellow nightie and JoJo says she is seeing some other married bloke who in no way resembles Dadley, oh no.

Ian complains to some Polish (though the accent is more like French/Boratistani) builders that they are too noisy. They tell him to sling his hook so he goes into dickhead overdrive and starts filming them for his dossier to the council and refusing to serve them at the caff. They mock him by taking photos of him with their phones and later have a five way gang bang with Parkwife.
The tiresome feud between Ian and Fill continues re the late license application. Fill gets the Polish Builders to brick up Ian’s gate so Ian pours cement down the Vic toilets so they have to shut the pub and get plumbers in. When Ian refuses to pay for the damage, Fill goes round and tries to drown him in a bowl of washing up (“Fairy liquid may be kind to your hands, but has does it feel on your FACE, Beale!!”). Fill is rescued by Pjane, or possible baby bobby, all of whom are harder than Ian. The womenfolk get involved too when Cruestella sees DC Lucy drinking alcopops in the park with a bunch of hoodies and grasses her up to PJane, who tells her to mind her own business. They spend a lot of time telling each other that this isn’t finished yet – no, it’s finished next week with a shocking Death Crash Tragedy tm every soap mag ever.

EE: THE WRATH OF BEALE

Poor old Bradders. First he dumps JoJo for Posh Totty. Then JoJo dumps him even after he dumps Posh Totty and tries to get back with her because JoJo's secretly schtupping his dad. And the only other single non-pregnant woman under 50 is Duckface. Fortunately they share a passing acquaintance with the work of Gene Roddenberry. Well, when I say 'passing', I mean Preeti can quote entire episodes of Deep Space Nine (the one that nobody likes) at the drop of a hat. Bradders starts to wonder if a lifetime of Vulcan salutes and nanobot jokes is really a good price to pay for getting his end away. Duckface goes into major stalker girlfriend mode. Bradley: sad.

Meanwhile JoJo is 'raising the stakes' with Dadley. This means not turning up in the Queen Vic toilets when summoned for a quickie, and going out with people her own age (I think)

Deano sulks about his mother being a skanky ho again. @@ moons over Gus. Make it quick @@, he'll be off on his suspension soon. The Bennetton family conspire to send Parklife and Mrs Goggins on an Easyjet flight to nowhere (or was it Tallinn?) because as usual, nobody bothered to book a honeymoon. Atkins is told to get out of Walford (again) or something. Her revenge is to tell Chelski that she shagged Parklife and Goggins knows! Chelski says she's not picking up the pieces of Mrs Goggins' broken heart yet again, and packs her bags. Then somebody suggests they all go down the pub and Chelski decides to stay.

Over at the Vic, Cruestella reminds Ben that his happiness and well-being are entirely up to her. Fill and Ian start on the Stupid Feud of DOOM that will apparently end up in the death of a Devil Child but we don't know which one (stupid soap mags). Place your bets here, folks.

Dot doesn't want the cute baby to be registered with a doctor and acts so badly that even Phoney gets suspicious. But Phoney's got her own problems. Billy doesn't want her to test the New Phoneybaby for congenital defects because the whole thing smacks of a eugenic conspiracy to prove that his seed is faulty. Cute baby gets a mild rash that Phoney says is MENINGITIS - once again the BBC miss a chance to show viewers the right thing to do, and they end up in the a&e ward, talking to a bored nurse about missing red books and NHS numbers. Phoney offers to help Dot hide the cute baby from the authorities and gets a job in the launderette to boot. Another baby for the EE supercreche.

JoJo tells NurseTanyah to expand the hairpatting shop to do...I dunno...car bodywork? So NurseTanyah decides that taking business advice from a nymphet with a market stall is a good idea and does exactly that.

Slimy loses his job for giving GADawn a credit card. He tries to hide it from GAD, but Dr SheWolf says: "No he's lost his job, you little strumpet. Who's going to pay for your hair extensions now, eh? eh? And I'm not paying your rent any more either." Hang on, she was paying their RENT? What kind of sick weirdness is this? Speaking of sick weirdness, have GAD and Slimy wondered about the medical ethics of buying your patient's baby and pimping your husband to her in order to 'keep her sweet'. No? I'll shut up then. There is cameo appearance from the lesbian off that geek comedy drama Attachments (ahhh...how well I remember their urgent discussions of banner ads and saucy intraoffice instant messaging). This time she's Dr SheWolf's happily married sister, with two moppets in tow. Dr SheWolf tells her that she's pregnant, and Slimy's at work. But there's some kind of altercation in the pub involving Slimy and a bottle and Dr SheWolf's tissue of lies is torn asunder. Not sure if this will provoke a crazed rampage involving a speculum, but we can but hope.

DVDLi, deprived of her dope allotment, decides to advertise Mickney as an escort service. The ramifications of this are not to be gone into, not even after several stiff drinks and many hallucinogenic drugs. Mickney and Gus find out, and DVDLi is foiled! Again! A nation sighs with relief (but not that kind of relief)...

MOTHRATKINS VS GOGGINZILLA

I'm off on holiday tomorrow and an't think of anything to top Sarah's ace post - so here's a quick rundown of last week's so-called action...

1. News starts to spread about Dot and Jim’s stupid plot baby, who spends all Monday’s episode crying non stop, the poor little thing. They have the family round for dinner and Jim quickly explains that it is Nick’s son that he sired by knocking up a nurse whilst in cancer prison hospital. That makes about as much sense as the real plot. Abi notices that baby “George” looks a lot like baby Tomasz so Dot tells her to shut up. Everyone is a bit non plussed/sceptical. Dadley mocks Jim fro being paternal finally. Jim says “Shut up, haven’t you got a barely legal trollop to be messing round with?” not really.
2. But it’s still true! Jojo comes back from her holiday and starts canoodling with Dadley. He tells her that his marriage is in trouble but JoJo later discovers that this is a lie.
3. DVDLi chucks all of Gus’ stuff out of his cupboard and put a padlock on the door. Gus is all “Hey! That’s my plot cupboard where I live for most of the year!” Mickney discovers that she has set up the world’s smallest weed farm in the cupboard and has a dramatic confrontation. DVDLi whines that she has to do anything – ANYTHING – for money now that she has to support herself, her old ma and Mickney. Mickney says he will get a job and is interviewed by Bradley’s firm. I’m not sure what job he is going for – do banks actually need Jesters/Motley fools?
4. Cruestella tells Ben that “address” only has one “d” so he fails a test. Bwa ha ha. Fill buys him a lap top and Cruestella is cross because she wants Fill to buy her shiny presents instead!! Ben tries to talk to Fil about Cruestela’s reign of terror but Fill has a hilarious EE type misunderstanding and thinks he is talking about puberty instead. Fill is all “It’s art of growing up and becoming a man!”
5. Fill says he will propose to Cruestella properly and gives her a wad of dirty bloodstained £20 notes to buy herself an engagement ring. Classy! Why didn’t he just drop an Elizabeth Duke catalogue in her lap and be done with it! He wants them all to go away together but Stella tells Ben to make sure he is left behind, so he smashes up the bogs at school so he has to be punished by Fill. Fill and Stella go away and Fill proposes by hiding the ring in a bacon bap from a white van in a lay by. Ha ha ha, oh Stella can’t you find a nice middle class man to terrorise! They end up going back for Ben anyway as Fill misses him.
6. Annoying Deano moves in with Atkins but says he will go to Parklife’s stag do and wedding anyway. Mrs G says she doesn’t want a hen do but all her family/friends (they don’t actually need to rope in a bunch of extras as Mrs G actually has friends OMG!!) chuck a few triple vodkas down her neck and she is all systems go (her drunk acting is not bad actually!). Goddess Pat sees that Atkins is at the bar making hacky faces and goes and tells her to git out of Walford and no one wants her and Parklife has moved on and wants to be happy with Mrs G etc and so on. Atkins says that Pat is a dried up old slapper and will have no family once Parklife and Mrs G get married and move out. They carry on arguing and eventually go outside and have an awesome catfight with slapping, throwing onto car bonnets and kung fu kicks (from Atkins, though I would love to see Pat lay down a hefty axe kick). A handily passing police van breaks them up and while they are on the way to the cells Atkins mentions that she shagged Parklife recently, so there.
7. I miss the actual unfeasibly quick wedding but there is the usual will they/won’t they bollocks without which no soap wedding is complete. Pat warns Parklife that Atkins is in marriage wrecking mode so in the end he tells Goggins himself, adding that he was “depressed” when the act of joyless carnal hoo-ha took place – excellent excuse there, Parklife. Mrs Goggins says (a) Ew! And (b) She’ll have to think about it. While she’s wandering round in her non traditional maroon outfit, Atkins comes over to spill the beans and is such a cow that this somehow makes Mrs G decide to go through with the wedding. Don’t ask me… Atkins is all ”Bah, you might have foiled me this time.. but I’ll be back!”.

SEVEN DADLEY SINS
The theme of this week’s episodes is “All middle class ladies be crazy!!” First of all we have Dr Fox, who is cackling with glee at the news that GADawn is past the legal limit for abortions and also referring to herself in the third person alot. (“What Dr Fox wants! Dr Fox gets! Bwa ha ha!!” etc). Calm down love, you’re not a character from Flash Gordon. GADawn meanwhile moves into the flat above Minty/Garry (who are disappointed, as they were hoping for a new cast member) and gets Stella to check over her Surrogacy Agreement. Stella says it is a load of tosh, legal-wise so GADawn tells Smarmy that they can live together and keep the baby and skip through tulip fields forevah! Smarmy dumps her. Ha!

GADawn is snivelling around so Dr Fox tells her that Smarmy never fancied her in the first place but just pretended to, so that GADawn would keep the baby, which is now more fought over than the Alcase-Lorraine region of France/Germany. GADawn drinks a bottle of vodka, has a hot bath and sticks “Vera Drake” in the DVD player. Everyone thinks she is trying to commit suicide and calls an ambulance. Dawn and the baybay both turn out to be alright. Smarmy sits on Losers Bench for a spot of manly crying and then tells Dawn that he does love her really after all, but Dawn tells him to “Git Ahhht!!!”

JoJo/Dadley drags on and on. This week JoJo wears a horrendous “sexy outfit” that makes her like a Victorian killer doll and Dadley sexes her up in his own living room while he is supposed to be researching guinea pigs on the internet. Don’t ask. Can something please happen with this plot now? Is that too much to ask? In other Slater news, BroJo weirdly flirts with Babs for a bit (mate, it’s called “masturbation”, look into it) and JoJo Ma reappears, saying that she wants to go on a holiday with her kids. The hateful brats all run a mile but then something happens so that Dadley ends up paying for a holiday for JoJo and Ma anyway.

Billy wants to turn the defunct DVD shop into an internet caff – how very 1998. He bickers with Fill and Beale about them investing or not. Meanwhile news spreads about Phoney’s pregnancy. Billy and Phoney think their little flat won’t be big enough and talk about renting Poline’s Palace of Burnt Memories instead. Beale says no, of course, because he is horrid and then suggests to Panto Jane that he moves them and the devil brood into Poline’s Palace of etc and so on instead. Jane: “Erm, I don’t think so!!”

The other middle class crazy lady storyline is that of Cruestella D’Evil, who is on fine form this week. Ben hides his hearing aid so he doesn’t have to go to school but then Cruestella makes him go anyway. All the kids tease him for being deaf and Ben wets himself. Cruestella mutters that he is a “wee stained little freak”(double ha!) and offers to help him hide his shame from Fill. Then she mocks him for being a wuss and says that he has to be HARD if he wants to be a proper Mitchell and worthy of his daddy’s love. Next day, Ben tries to smack one of the boys (when instead he should have teased him for being a rubbish actor and having hair like a girl) who made him wet himself and ends up being thrown roughly to the ground and given a good shoeing. Cruestella watches with a faint smile on her face for a few minutes before breaking it up.

Ben goes crying to Ian, shows him his bruises and tells him that Stella is beating him (Ian comes up with the “Cruella” nickname). Ian goes round to see Fill and be all Bealemeisterfull and outraged and then they quickly discover that he was actually beaten up by the kids from school. They tell Ben off and Cruestella slips into his room, tells him that he will be taken into care if he carries on lying and then gives him a hug and says that she’ll protect him. Brrr, creepy. This storyline with all the headfuckery and emotional blackmail etc is so much better than a clichéd child beating plot. Well done the BBC!

WHEN I'M SIXTY-ERR?

It's a milestone birthday for Peggy. Not sure which one. The EE producers don't divulge that, but if she's supposed to be 60, then I'm Liz Hurley. Fill, Cruestella (thank you GU) and Victim Ben decorate the pub with old Carry On Stills, pictures of Babs taking tea with the Krays, you know the kind of thing. Babs has a few non-comedy senior moments over the catering delivery, and Ian sneers. Babs also engages some bloke with an outrageous accent to makeover the living room so that it looks like something out of a Furniture Village ad. The ladies not classed as a) totty, b) mad, or c) pregnant (Yolande, Babs and PantoJane) go to a yoga class and the bouffanted teacher in a leotard tries to realign Babs's chakras without her permission. Babs is later sad about this because it's the best offer she gets all week after NotDavid Essex says he's not coming to her birthday party.

Phoney is pregant again, and worries about telling Billy. Billy runs foul of a debt collector who follows him around until he hands over the money, and worries about telling Phoney. Phoney gets a job as the receptionist in the Hair Patting salon to make more money. Her first task is to screw up GADawn's hair patting and colouring appointment. GADawn makes an unreasonable amount of fuss, and Duckface Preeti has to fit her in over lunch or something.

Slimy is installing GAD in a flat above the plot cupboard, and AGarry is allowed out to sniff around. He's got a thing for pregnant ladies, after all. GAD's little head is too full of colour charts and sofa catalogues to notice, and she skips off to get her hair done. Only Chelski switches the hair dye for a red felt-tip pen, and GAD ends up with rather cute Gothy streaks instead of honey highlights. GAD marches into the pub and starts having a go a the nice ladies, who finally admit that Dr SheWolf has persuaded them all to pretend to like her, but they all really think she's a wee hoor. GAD can't believe that her only friend in the world is Carly (incidentally, whatever happened to Genghis, the Dolescum Dog?), and stomps off home to cry. I can't help thinking that with all this womb rental, accommodation costs etc, they'd have been better off visiting an orphanage in a developing country, but what the hey...

Plenty of action in the Hair Patting salon, today. JoJo decides to upgrade her appearance (again), and gets Preeti to set her hair in some carmen rollers to make her look like a Charlie's Angel, but not in a good way. Really, you'd think that GADawn could take one look at JoJo's hair and get some money off Slimy to get a proper cut in town.

Dr SheWolf tells NurseTanyah of her surrogacy hell, but with all the controlling and pimping her husband bits removed. Nurse Tanyah looks slightly concerned that Dr SheWolf and her flexible interpretation of the Hippocratic Oath is in charge of her family's health. Meanwhile Dadley is shagging JoJo amid the ashes of Poline's fruitbowl or something. No wonder the Bealemeister can't sell it if he hasn't even bothered to paint over the smoke stains. Two letters, Ian: B and Q.

There's some stuff about moving to Spain. It's always Spain isn't it? Never Cheadle. Or Stockholm. Stockholm's nice. Very clean.

JoJo thinks that Dadley is selling her a line. NurseTanyah has been watching far too many property programmes, and is impatient to make a fresh start. Blimey, she's only been in Walford for five minutes. But the Tanyettes don't want to move because they've got friends. Really? Well, Lauren is kind of mates with Zombie Jay and DC Lucy - no wonder she's going all Goth. Abi is friends with umm... Ben.

Not if CruStella has anything to do with it. CruStella says that Abi is a Bad Person, and that if Ben so much as talks to her, it'll be Spoontime for Benjy at Bedtime again. CruStella does mad faces and learns how to beat Ben at Grand Theft Auto and tells Abi that she's not welcome at Ben's birthday party.

Phoney tells Billy that she's pregnant. Billy tells Phoney that they're broke. But they decide to have the baby anyway. But only after Billy has made lots of bad smell-type faces and overacted like a good 'un. He's too good for this crap.

GADawn turns up in a red dress to match her hair, and "looks amazing", according to the official spoilers. Dr SheWolf sends Slimy out to "keep GAD happy", and looks mad and smug at the same time. Slimy looks worried.

Everything's going well at the party. Babs is wearing something ghastly in white and Bacofoil that screams Peter Stringfellow In Drag; Pat is wearing Stealth Bomber earrings. BroJo uses his combat skillz to create one of those champagne towers that you used to see in 1970s semi-porn movies starring Joan Collins; and JoJo makes sour comments about Nurse Tanyah's Spanish plans, and tells her that Dadley will probably leave her anyway, so what's the point. Not really. But there is a fight between JoJo and NurseTanyah over who spilled whose Babycham, and Ian knocks over the champagne tower while nobody's looking. Dadley runs after JoJo, saying that says he's going to give the little minx a good seeing-to demand an apology. Then he tells JoJo that he's in love with her. Eh? I've seen more passionate declarations from a wet cushion. NurseTanyah encounters BroJo in the ladies again, and he tries it on. NT says no, and discovers Dadley coming out of the Slater Tardis with JoJo. JoJo apologises, but what for???

BEN FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST
Thanks to Red Nose Day, I only have three eps to do this week. Hurrah!

Parklife does the walk of shame from Atkins boudoir of cheap nylon garmentry after begging her not to tell anyone. He runs into Pat who tells him off for being a numpty and then says she will support him etc. Parklife then meets Beano and Carly and they all hug and forgive him too. Beano finds out about Carly’s big strop that sent Parklife packing in the first place and there is a bit of shouting. Great.

Parklife goes round to see Mrs Goggins and says, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake but it was horrible. That bloke from Torchwood died for no reason and then I had to drive a moped off a cliff. Crazy!” Mrs Goggins is all, “So you’re back, from outer space, coming home to Walford with that look upon your face…” and slams the door. Later on she says that her and the girls are moving to Leytonstone. Didn’t we just have this storyline two weeks ago? They are forced to sit together by their kids at a red nose day pub quiz and Atkins does a drunken speech about how her life sucks, but Parklife and Goggins are clearly made for each other and should get married. Later on, Parklife shows up at the Post Office and proposes to her. Mrs G says “You won’t get round me that easily – oh wait a minute, you will!” and says yes. Cue another unfeasibly brisk wedding, no doubt.

Billy is having money problems as everyone is eschewing his video shop in favour of DVDLi’s DVDs. He doesn’t tell anyone. Phoney gets a job as hairpatting receptionist though. Cue “boo hoo my wife earns more than me, I’m not a real man!” snoryline? Phoney is full on with her malapropisms this week but I will not encourage the scriptwriter by repeating any of them.

Dr Shewolf is still whinging on about GADawn and Gadawn is still whinging on about Smarmy. Shewolf complains that Dawn is eating too many chips or something and says “We can’t put her in a box!” in a tone that suggests that she could instead make her live in the bottom of a well and lower supplies in a basket (“It will put on the lotion! It will put on the lotion or else it will get stretch marks!”). She says they can put GADawn up in a flat “so we can control what she eats or drinks”. I think Dr Fox is confusing “flat” for “prison”. Smarmy tries to sell the idea to GADAwn but she doesn’t want to live in a damp bedsit on her own.

Dadley/Jojo affair drags on for another week. High point = Jojo getting dolled up to look “sophisticated” like Tanyah and everyone laughing at her. Dadley also says he wants to move to Spain with her. Oh as if.

Abi Tanyette sits with Ben and makes fun of him for liking Sdulla now. Ben explained that she was nice to him in that weird Hall of Mirrors malarkey. Abi tries to get Sdulla into trouble by telling Fill and Babs that she lost him, but Ben and Sdulla both team up to downplay it. Later on Sdulla accuses Ben of betraying her in her dry whispery voice and stares at him coldly from the top of a flight of stairs. Brrr. When did Sdulla turn into Nurse Rachett? Later on she manages to make Ben and Abi fall out completely and also gets Abi into trouble when Nurse Tanyah goes round to ask why she shouted at her daughter.

Ben is a bit unwell and Sdulla offers to look after him. They watch a DVD (crappy BBC version of “Lion/Witch/Wardrobe” – if Billy’s shop doesn’t have the posh Hollywood version with Tilda Swinton then it deserves to fail!!), then Sdulla offers to make them a nice hot chocolate and deliberately burns Ben’s hand with the hot spoon. Oh my god, so hardcore!! This storyline is actually pretty good now – especially as it is Ben who is being tormented, though I’m sure step mums all over the country are grinding their teeth in irritation. She tells him it is a joke and then gets him to lie for her again when Babs asks why he is wearing a plaster. Sdulla says all creepy stuff about how Daddy isn’t going to love him any more now that he loves her – then says “ha ha, only joking!” and offers to make him another HOT DRINK!!! Ben makes a wibbly face and the BBC bod announces a phone line in case Emma Thompson’s sister is menacing you with caffeinated beverages too (I know I know child abuse is v serious).

THE DISCREET SMARM OF THE BEALEGEOISIE
I was out a lot last week so it’s cribbage time again. Sigh.

JoJo and Dadley continue their weird, repetitive and repulsive on/off relationship (though it seems to be more on than off). I can only assume that Dadley is v well hung as I can’t see why else Nurse Tanyah and JoJo would spend so much time fawning over him. Anyway, Duckface has a faux ann summers party and Di Vi Di Li borrows money off Dasbo to buy some pleather undergarments to sell. It all turns out to be a cruel hoax though so Chelski and Duckface can watch her make a fool of herself. That seems a bit much considering they are only fighting over MICKNEY, who doesn’t seem worth the bother, to be honest. The three of them start squealing and pushing each other but then it cuts away before the proper catfight starts. Boring. Nurse Tanyah is also there and Jojo has much angst re Dadley.

DVDLi can’t return the money to Dasbo and @@ is cross, but then it turns out that loads of sad inadequates blokes have signed up to their mail order bride site so they are suddenly loaded. Hmm, are they going to rent out Chelski and GADawn or is this basically a big fraud? Some bloke manages to track them down to Walford and says he is going to come and check out the fictional Olgas for himself. Ruh roh. In other news they think that a webcam of DS Keef might make them money. Trampcam.com?? I suppose I’ve seen crappier websites on the internets

Prison Bitch Bert spends half the week being feckless and irresponsible, while Pat pops up from behind the occasional lamp post to shout “Oi, stop being feckless and irresponsible!” and then disappear again. Ok Bert, if you aren’t going to fuck off back to Emmerdale can you at least cut your hair? That stringy shit is giving me the creeps. The Social come round and Jay is all “yes, I’m v happy here etc and so on” as he would rather even be stuck with Bert than be taken into care. Anyway, one day Jay-Z (Z stands for zombie, of course) is caught stealing a bacon butty from the caff because PB Bert has neglected to feed him his daily helping of BRANES. Doh. Bert has an epiphany, decides to be responsible and gets a job as a street sweeper but he’s still v annoying. Also his mystery ailment reoccurs and he crashes his dustcart into a stall. Let’s hope it’s something terminal.

Dr Fox buys DS Keef a drink and whitters on about sudoku puzzles for a bit as a lame pretext to suddenly squawk, “How is GADawn and her costly womb?? Tell me?? Tell me??” Dr Fox finds out that GADawn has met “someone” in the Cotswolds and immediately starts panicking that her precious baby will be stolen away by a horny handed farm labourer (or stockbroker, seeing as it’s the Cotswolds…).

I am really sad I missed this next bit (honest!) as Ian decides to try and be middle class and has an excruciating dinner party with the other middle class people of the Square (Dr Fox, Smarmy, Dadley, NTanyah). It all goes tits up when they all start going on about GADawn and adoption and the Foxes run off in a huff and Ian gets drunk. Better luck next time, Bealemeister. Bourgeois respectability will be yours one day! Later on it is the anniversary of their miscarriage and Dr Fox whines about her uterus AGAIN

Sdulla helps Ben with his homework. Exciting!

Jay’Z gets one of the Tanyettes to start smoking. Equally exciting!

The rest of the week is taken up with BroJo’s attempts to get into Nurse Tanyah’s knickers. BTW, does it count as crypto-incest if a brother and sister are trying to knock off a pair of spouses? Anyway, BroJo spends the whole time sniffing round Nurse Tanyah and offering to sort out her fusebox (that is not a euphemism, you pervs) at the Hair Patting Shop. It turns out he learnt to be an electrician as well as a sexy brooding psychopath whilst in the army. Nurse Tanyah starts off all “sod off you twerp” but then she changes her mind and is all “boo hoo, Dadley keeps binning me off when it’s time for marriage counselling” and BroJo is all, “You poor thing, tell me all about it… IN BED!!!”

BroJo overhears Dadley whispering saucy come-ons to JoJo on his mobile in the pub (though he doesn’t know it is her yet) like, “wear more self tanning lotion, it really turns me on” and “I love the smell of urinal tablets in the morning,” etc etc. He tries to prove to Nurse Tanyah that the Dadster is having an affair but the seasoned love rat deletes his call history off his phone. Bah! Foiled! BroJo continues to flirt with NT in various ways in front of Dadley, driving Dadley into a jealous rage that causes him to throw BroJo against the wall and say “grr” a few times in a totally non gay stylee. Poor Nurse Tanyah, destined to be fought over by a pair of charmless gingers. Dadley thinks that BroJo is going to do it with NT in the hair shop one night and bursts in to surprise them, but it is all a cunning ploy on BroJo’s part and instead he is doing it with Chelski. Gasp!

GOGGINS A GO-GO OR NO-GO?
Late and short. A bit like Slimy Metrosexual's excuses. But I promise you, as soon as the baybay's born, we'll run away to the Bahamas and get married. I swear.

Just when you think that your internal bullshit detector has reached 11 and won't go any further, the Eastenders scriptwriters send it up a notch. This week, Fill raises his spuddy little head and starts demanding rent off the remaining Parklifes (and Pat), except that Parklife has cleared the business account of all funds. Not even Pat's goddess powers, or Dasbo's Bransonesque entrepeneurial skillz can save them from Fill's hungry bank balance. Instead Carly goes over to Fill's and fixes a car or two so that he can spend some time with Psycho Ben. Well, that was the original idea, but somehow Ben gets farmed out to whoever will have him - even Atkins gets asked, while Fill searches in the plot cupboard for Minty and Agarry. No wonder Ben's evil. Carly shouts at Fill, and the mere threat of her doing more shouting 'acting' is enough for Fill to stomp over to Pat's and let them off half the rent or something. Pat gives a little speech about how Parklife would have been proud of them all standing together in the face of imminent bankruptcy that he was mainly responsible for. Mrs G decides she's had enough and starts packing the Goggins bags for pastures new. Chelski and @@ object, so they end up staying after lots of shouting and pouting.

BS detector reading: 11.7

Psycho Ben tries to get his dad to spend time with him, but Fill keeps wandering off to do something more interesting. Sdulla sits on some Airfix glue, and Ben gets into trouble again, and she flounces off stage right. Then she comes back again the following day and takes him on a trip to the London Dungeon (his choice - told you he was psycho). There is a weird creepy moment when Ben runs into a hall of mirrors shouting for Sdulla and crying about losing her while Sdulla hides behind a corpse and looks strangely evil. It's almost like The Lady from Shanghai - only without Orson Welles...or Rita Hayworth...or decent production values. Somehow this is supposed to mean that they have bonded.

BS detector reading: 12

Nurse Tanyah finds a receipt for some jewellery in Dadley's pocket and is sad because Dadley is obviously cheating on him again. She brings it up at the counsellor's, and Dadley tells her that it was supposed to be a surprise secret necklace but no she's spoiled everything. The next day is Nurse Tanyah's birthday, so Dadley goes to lunch with JoJo in a posh restaurant. The maître d is snooty and asks JoJo if she's old enough to eat posh food. JoJo pretends that Dadley is her dad, and this is her 18th birthday present, and this somehow makes her more attractive or something. Meanwhile NT and the girls make pancakes and bury a dead hamster (with Returned BroJo's help) in the front garden. You start to see Dadley's point.

Anyway, NurseTanyah and Dadley end up in the Vic. NT gets very very drunk, and Dadley takes advantage of her drunkeness to slip one to JoJo in the toilets again. Soon Nurse Tanyah will be wondering why he keeps buying her bottles of Eau du Parazone and asking her to flush when she's ready. NT staggers into the toilets and thinks JoJo is alone. Then in comes BroJo , who starts pestering Nurse Tanyah. Dadley hides in the cubicle with JoJo going, "grrrr...my wife..." very very quietly. JoJo: sad. Because she has fallen in love with Dadley. A nation is mystified. Abi gets a new guinea pig to replace the dead hamster. Let's hope they get hungry Peruvian neighbours, for the guinea pig's sake.

BS detector: 13.987

PB Bert is starting to develop a kind of relationship with Zombie-faced Jay, who is possibly the coolest kid on TV apart from Tracy Beaker. Pat activates her Goddess powers and forces Ian to rent the cute little flat behind the chippy to them. Bert goes to an optician and discovers that he's going blind.

BS detector: off the scale

THEIR BLOODY VALENTINE
Dr Fox is all, “I was disgusted that you shagged that hussy in my house!” Smarmy is all, “I’m doing it for you! So you can have a baybay! It’s no fun for me either, ahem ahem.” Later on Dr Fox apologises and arranges for a night of hot loving with Smarmy (cue shirtlessness to keep Patrick happy). GADawn phones about 15 times while they are Doing It and then leaves a message to say she has gone to stay with her mum. Dr Fox is worried that Rosie Klebb will talk sense into GADawn. I assume she never actually met Rosie Klebb.

Bradley spends the evening in the pub with JoJo and decides that he lurves her again (I can’t really take Bradders seriously any more after Harry Hill pointed out that he is always making faces as though he just farted…) Next day it is Valentines Day and PR Fluffy Lydia sends round a huge stalkeriffic basket and balloon arrangement thing. Bradley gets her a shitty cheapo card and then buys her a manky rose off a bloke in the restaurant when they have a romantic lunch. (Why name a restaurant Fargos?? It just reminds me of Steve Buscemi being put in a wood chipper. Mmm, seconds please!!). Then he dumps her and says, “It’s not you, it’s me!” Yes Bradley – it is you, acting like a real tool. Couldn’t you have waited another few days to dump her? Lydia stomps off to delete all the files off Bradley’s computer at work. Bradley runs around to declare his lurve for JoJo but she is too busy shagging Dadley and tells him to get lost. Ha ha.

Dadley is v unromantic to nurse Tanyah so she arranges a nice meal for them herself and asks Dot to watch the kids (non comedy Vday subplot – Jim pretends to have forgotten and then cooks a nice meal behind Dot’s back, but then Dot shows up with the girls. Jim pulls his patented “dohhhhh!” face). Dadley texts to say he is stuck at work (ie shagging JoJo). What a tool – couldn’t he have waited til the day after? I’m sure JoJo and her lady parts would still be there on 15 Feb. Nurse Tanyah says they have to go to marriage counselling. Then there is some business where Dadley is nearly caught out buying gifts for both his birds and getting the receipts mixed up or something. I think this plot would be a lot better if Text Pest BroJo was still around to glower sexily at Nurse Tanyah.

The Fill/Sdulla/Ben subplot is now in a weird temporal loop like on Star Trek where the same thing keeps happening over and over again. Ben is mean to Sdulla, Sdulla runs away, Fill gets her back. Rinse repeat. This week Babs also goes on holiday.

I quite like dead eyed urchin Jay too. For some reason he reminds of one of the zombie kids from Day/Dawn of the Dead and I certainly hope he ends up killing Prison Bitch Bert and cannibalising his corpse. Anyway, PBBert is all neglectful etc and Jay runs around stealing stuff and bunking off school. Yolande sucks her cheeks in and tries to be a bit parently and tells PBBert when is being a fule (well, more than usual anyway) ie like when he ignores a truant letter, even though it could mean PBBert being back sent to prison and being a burly convict’s wife again. Yolande and Trinidad bribe the miscreants to get out of the house for Valentine’s Day so Trinidad can leer at Yolande’s rack and say “yeah, mon” a few times. Jay gets sick of roaming the streets and goes back anyway and ruins their romantic shenanigans. Later on he finds out he has to go to school and has a bratty fit and breaks something. Yolande says “that’s it!” and says they have to move out.

It turns out that Dasbo is running a Russian mail order bride website. Ok, that’s believable.

Deano is sick of being teased re missing Parklife and makes up a lie – perhaps that he is staying in a house, in a very big house in the country. Mrs Goggins is chatted up by a handsome man in the Vic but says “No thanks, I have a man actually and he certainly hasn’t left me, nosiree bob.” The police come round and say that they have found Parklife’s car at Beachy Head. Everyone is worried that he has killed himself dead (except for me, who is HOPING that he has killed himself dead). Carly meanwhile has pulled herself together and starts running the car lot. Maybe Carly is actually short for Carlotta??? What are the chances etc. Pat is pleased but then it turns out that they owe Fill rent for the car lot and also Carly has to pay for the car she smashed up pointlessly last week. Pat goes to sort out the money but discovers that Parklife has emptied out all the business bank accounts. Everyone is pleased at this sign that he is alive, except for Mrs Goggins who feels more and more like an inhabitant of Dumpedville.

AU REVOIR, LA MOOMIN
Who could it be??? Gasp – it is Straight Pike, coming to collect his belongings and confess all in the style of a Scooby doo villain. He explains to Dot that Poline was a miserable old bitch who didn’t even pretend to be nice to him and never put out or anything. He hit her with a frying pan on xmas day but she seemed fine afterwards (and let’s face it, he didn’t leave any visible marks) and it was all her fault anyway. Oh the dramatic irony that Poline would be laid low by her trusty husband battering pan. Dot starts screaming “Moiderer! Moiderer!” and dials the police, but Str8 Pike dashes the phone from her grasp (though it is still switched on so the 999 operator hears the whole confession). While they are grappling, Jim happens to be passing so he runs upstairs and um throws Str8 Pike out of the window! Ha ha, I’m not joking! Str8 Pike bounces off the porch, crashes through a market stall and lands in a heap on the pavement. Ouch, that’s going to leave a mark definitely. Buh bye Straight Pike, what a boring character you were. Does that mean your prison bitch Bert is leaving too? Oh.

By Monday, Moomin has been released, Str8 Pike has been pinned with Poline’s death and Jim has been cleared of any crime. Wow, that’s the quickest police investigation and inquest ever! Martin wants to get back together with Moomin but she thinks it is a bit quick, what with him accusing her of murder just last week etc and so on. Poline’s will is read out and Martin gets the house as long as that Dirty Jackson doesn’t live in it. Ian rubs his hands at the thought of Martin falling for Moomin’s ahem charms as that means he will get the house. Martin and Moomin bicker and make up and bicker again. They have sex at some point too and then Martin shouts that he just wanted a wife but Moomin couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be a lesbian! or read a book! or play the trumpet! Trumpet playing, literate married women all over the country give the TV a quizzical look.

In other news; Evil little scrote Ben manages to drive drippy Sophie Thompson out of the Vic and back to her damp bedsit.

GADawn, Smarmy Metrosexual and Smarmy Metrosexual’s luxuriant chest rug start canoodling again. Rob says he will leave Dr Fox after GADawn has the baby but they have to string Dr Fox along in the meantime. Dawn agrees because she is stupid.

We finally discover Parklife’s dark secret and it is v boring – basically he isn’t Deano or Carly’s real dad (that would be some bloke in the back alley behind the pub – a different one for each kid). Deano is shocked but then accepts it but that insufferable little madame Carly starts whining and carrying on until Parklife grabs his passport and drives off in the dead of night, never to be seen again hopefully. Meanwhile Atkins puts moves on Fill and Agarry (while wearing a black netting blouse like something Marylin Manson would wear in one of his shittay videos) and later gets slapped by Carly.

In the end Moomin decides to go to Manchester and live with Bianca so she can sort her life out. Also there might be a chance that her mum will actually visit her there! At the last minute, Martin throws himself in front of the Taxicab of Finality and says that him and Chloebacca are going too and Moomin just has to shut up and agree with it. Poor old Moomin does as she’s told and they kiss in the back seat while Chloebecca smiles like an evil little goblin between them. What a creepy shot. Then they drive off and I am heartily sick of them, so good. Buh bye Martin and Moomin, you have provided us with lots of laughs over the years, not many of them intentional but never mind. I expect to see Martin on the Bill and Moomin on Holby City any day now…

FATHEADS FOR JUSTICE
People keep disappearing and popping up in the most unexpected places this week.

First MMartin pops up to rage impotently at Fill. Fill slams Martin against a wall or two until Martin tells him that Moomin used her Moominpowers to do a Squeaky and took Chloebecca with her. Fill has Squeaky flashbacks. MMartin says he just wants to bring his baybay girl home, where she will be safe. Dude look around you. You haven't even sorted the lightbulb in the living room, let alone replace the fruitbowl and put glass back in the windows . MMartin has an Arfur-style meltdown and throws things around.

I admit I went off to make cakes for a bit, so the next thing I saw was some kind of tension between Sophie Thompson and Young Ben and then Ben's up on the Nick Cotton Memorial bridge of DOOM with Mmartin. Martin threatens to throw Ben under the next train. If he's on the Hammersmith & City, he,ll be there for a while. A crowd gathers and it.s just like that scene in Oliver. Not. Martin apologises to Ben and tells him that it,s all Fill's fault for helping Moomin get her Dirty Jackson hands on his little girl. Fill appears on the other side of the line, and you wonder where are the transport police. Anyway Martin gets talked down. Babs and Beale give Fill a hard time. Sophie tells Ben that it was all his fault for wandering off and disobeying his new Mummy, but that Ben should thank her for calming down Scary Fill. Way to go Evil Stepmother Sophie!

Atkins is still hanging around, trying to work the vacuum cleaner and chatting up AGarry when she's supposed to be doing the shopping. Carly spies her in the pub and flies into an Electra-esque rage. There's a East End traditional mother/daughter beer fight (we have them every week, only with gin instead of beer) and Parklife has to break them up. Carly says she's leaving. Parklife then explains that Carly is very protective of her brothers, especially the one that died. Atkins decides to go, and then doesn't, and I'm just too bored to care.

Somehow Atkins manages to get a job in the Vic - perhaps Babs is working on the principle that if the barmaid looks rougher than the clientele, they might behave themselves. She also gets a flat and threatens to reveal Parklife's Dark Secret if he doesn't stop telling her to clear off. Parklife: shifty.

GADawn goes to the abortion clinic again. She'll be getting a loyalty card at this rate. Dr Shewolf dispatches Slimy to bring the bitch and her foetus back by any means necessary. This of course means that Slimy has to pretend that he really does love GADawn and wasn't just using her as a pressure-free shag, and that he is going to leave Dr She Wolf as soon as the baybay is born. GADawn calls off the d&c and goes home. Again. The receptionist nearly gnaws her other hand off in frustration.

Moomin decides to return to the Square and give herself up before Martin gets hold of a Batman costume and decides to dangle DC Lucy from the roof of the community centre. There is a tedious two-hander where she apologises for all the bad things that she has done to MMartin. Not once does she mention that he got her pregnant at 15 and then killed the LOVE OF HER LIFE; and nobody liked Poline anyway. Instead, she says she's innocent and she's going to use all her Moominpowers to prove it. She wants to go to the cop shop and turn herself in under her own steam, but MMartin sneakily calls the police so they drag her away in front of a howling mob got up specially for the occasion by Mo.

Pat's Goddess powers are in overdrive this week. First she calms down Parklife and stops him from killing Atkins with his bare hammy hands. Then she tells Dot that dobbing Moomin in to the coppers was the right thing to do. Dot finds Poline's old laundrette coat and takes it over to the burnt out shell of the Fowler house to lay Poline's restless ghost to rest or something. But then she hears a strange noise...and it's...[drums...music...credits...trailer for Waking The Dead]

In other news: Naomi has taken up residence in the plot cupboard. Dadley is openly shunning JoJo. err...that's it.

LEADEANO OF THE PACK

This a bit of a crappy crib as I am super busy at work and doing lots of overtime at the moment.

Deano is wandering round acting all drunken and angry (well, I say “acting”….) and Chelski is sniffing round and being vaguely protective, even though she totally doesn’t fancy him, oh no. At one point Deano gets into a funny fight with Jojo where she smacks him and they throw each others’ cheap market crap on the floor. Chelski horns in and waggles her finger at JoJo all “oh no you didn’t, girlfriend” like a guest on Jerry Springer. In the end Chelski drags Deano away and he drives around randomly with her in a car off the lot and overacts – it turns out that when he went round to see Atkins she was – gasp – shagging some bloke and now he all traumatised etc. Well Deano, if you thought that your mother was actually a virgin then you’re even stupider than we all thought.

Meanwhile, Dadley bins off a posh hotel date with Jojo because Nurse Tanyah wants him to pick up Abi from school. Jojo makes up for it by dragging him into the bogs of the Vic for some canoodling. Hmm, the smell of urinal tablets is so arousing. Not. Dadley gets so carried away that he forgets to pick his kid up and she walks home, just in time for drunken annoying Deano to come tearing round the corner in his charabanc of doom!! Oh no no no no, look out, look out, look out, crash! Etc. He runs over Abi and the car must be oddly designed with all the padding on the outside and the hard metal on the inside, as Abi just has a broken wrist and Deano ends up in a coma with a punctured lung and broken ribs. Okayyyy.

Nurse Tanyah is so furious that she says Dadley has to sleep on the sofa, but then he gets back in her good books by being a bit caring or something. I don’t know. He also dumps Jojo and JoJo she is sad.

In other news

Sophie Thompson wants to plan a surprise birthday party for Vic, but realises that Fill hasn’t got any friends. Ha ha. While she is snooping around she finds his box of ex-bitches with all photos of Squeaky and Kaffee et al. for some inexplicable reason this makes her feel inadequate (um have you looked at Fill lately love) so she gets herself all gussied up and Jojo tells her she looks like a cheap whore (from JoJo = compliment). Fill says he luvs her just the way she is – ie timorous and wet. Ben ruins the surprise party anyway but he’s going to get thrown off a bridge soon so he may as well enjoy himself while he can.

JoJo is mean to Bradley and his new bird.

Naomi, Agarry and Minty realise that they are finally going to be evicted and decide to buy a place together.

Someone phones Atkins so she can visit Deano in orspital but he doesn’t die, dammit. He asks her to stick around anyway. Pat and Atkins have a blonde hardfaced scrubber stand off and there are more hints re Parklife’s dark secret. Also Carly squawks “nobody wants you here!” about three hundred times.

GADawn says she will have an abortion after all if she isn’t allowed to see Smarmy anymore. God, we have nine months of this bullshit…

And finally Martin suddenly pops up, smashes Fill’s car and shouts “Where’s Sonyah!!???”

(also i have finally got round to updating my Capital Ring blog - link to the right!!)

POLINE CONVERSION
So anyway, your boyfriend dumps you in a quite nasty and humiliating way in front of his faaancy office friends, after one of them has tried to get it on with you in the toilets etc etc. You're feeling angry, hungover, and rather sad, so what do you do? Yes, that's right girls, you go and have sex with your ex's dad. Though this is only after you've dressed up like Morticia Addams at the beach and had a go at everyone in the pub on Christmas Day. Hang on a minute, what were they all doing in the pub on Christmas Day anyway? Normal families are snoozing in front of Wallace & Gromit while the offspring bicker about whose go it is on the Wii...

Well, that's about it for JoJo then. She slinks around all week, tempting Dadley into her single bed and getting him all hot and bothered while muttering darkly about revenge. Bradley looks embarrassed because NurseTanyah and Duckface thinks she's still in with a chance. He tries to get her to pay for the damage to his new motor (£300?! I want the name of that mechanic), and then tells her that she doesn't have to pay ...I think I fell asleep at this point. Anyway, Dadley does lots of sneaking around. JoJo wears lots of make-up and announces that she wants to be Dadley's Bit On The Side. Woah...ambitious, eh?

Phoney decides to try and be a Proper Mum to the cute Downs baby before she dies. Only she insists that she gets a proper name instead of "Petal". Billy: happy.

The non-comedy nonsense involves Minty, Fill and AGarry dressing up as Santa and getting caught in the chimney or something. Chloebecca tells Santa that she wants a cardigan for Christmas. Moomin cries NOOOOOOOO! and runs into the night.

Not really. But Poline is off to Florida to live with Shell and possibly take up a professorship in Advanced Miserablism at the University of North Beach. Somehow Shell has managed to book a last-minute flight at the busiest time of the year, and no damn Heathrow fog isn't going to dissuade Poline from her mission to spread gloom and greyness to the sunny shores of Miami. Not even the Bealemeister whingeing about how he is but her apprentice in Evil, and if she goes, only Panto Jane will give a monkey's toss about him. Well, you could always give Patrick a job. Moomin appears, and I missed the two-hander between her and Poline because it was bathtime, but Mr P says it was rather good, and Moomin lamps Poline.

Poline goes to drop one last morsel of poison into the Vic's champagne bucket, but suddenly gets a bit of a headache in MacArfur Park, and drops down dead in front of Loser's Bench. MMartin finds her, face down in the snow (wtf?!). Moomin: looks slightly guilty. Chloebecca won't talk to Moomin, and tells her that she saw her hit Poline. Moomin: guiltier. MMartin hears a Last Voicemail from Poline that apologises to everyone for all the hurt and misery she has caused. What...all of it? Moomin: guilty as a big guilty sack of guilt.

NurseTanyah and Dadley decide to have their Christmas party anyway, and Dot agrees that it's what Poline would have wanted. A nation cries: "You what?!?" Straight Pike escapes from the Plot Cupboard for one last hurrah. MMartin tells him that Poline is dead as he's packing his stuff. Straight Pike is shocked. Prison Bitch Bert takes him off to the pub, where he sits and looks shocked until somehow he gets into the party. Everybody goes quiet, and then Straight Pike says: "Oh who cares? She was an evil old witch and I'm glad she's dead." Everybody: shocked and appalled. MMartin tries to get Pike to attend Poline's funeral, but he says the only reason he'd go is to dance on her grave or something. Anyway, even Fill is mildly shocked, but then he's still reeling from the announcement that Sophie Thompson is moving into the Vic. Actually, that's an EE record. From solicitor to live-in barmaid in less than a month. She's still not quite getting on with Ben.

Over at the Dolescums, Dasbo tries to seduce the DVD girl, but fails utterly and gets his photo on the Internet or something. Dr Foxy follows GADawn around, muttering about her blissfully uncomplicated fallopian tubes and working ovaries. GADawn spends the abortion money on a vile pair of purple boots, and arranges an NHS termination instead. Dr Foxy offers her loads of money for the baby (oh yes, we saw that one coming, didn't we readers?). GADawn tells her she's a mentalist harpy. Dr Foxy tells Slimy to go and save his BABY'S LIFE or she won't let him live with her any more or whatever. Slimy persuades GADawn not to abort, and GADawn fails to realise that it's just another Slimy ruse and thinks he still loves her. Mickney: glad to be an uncle, and significantly less...orange...since we last saw him.

Meanwhile, at the Wicks/Evans Palace of Truth and Beauty, the Parklifes cancel their annual "Drink Your Way Around The World in Five Hours-athon" in deference to Mrs Goggins's feelings about drunkards. They do some lame party games instead, and much fun is not had by all. But...in the Other Pub where EE characters go to have out-of-square crises, Atkins off Bad Girls is serving fat blokes and looking bored. Then, out of the blue, she decides to go and visit the family! Hurrah for Atkins!

SOMETHING KINDA YAWWN
Sooo sorry this is late (and quick - life took over from blogging again)

We're building up to Davetta's big exit with some odd, Oedipan shenanigans from BroJo re: JoJoMa. JoJo's busy trying to prove to JoJo Ma that BroJo isn't dead by making him turn up on the doorstep. Sorry darling, but wouldn't the sight of her long lost son on the threshold when she's not taking her meds properly trigger a major episode? Bradley doesn't think it's such a good idea, and neither does BroJo. He skedaddles, and JoJo trudges back home to watch the final of Make Me A Supermodel with Bradders and a nice cup of tea. Bradley decides not to dump her just yet.

BroJo goes to the club and starts chatting up Preeti - who I shall call Duckface on account of her looking like, well, a duck. JoJo sees him getting cosy with Duckface and asks herif she isn't a bit old for BroJo. I can't remember if there are fisticuffs, but Duckface ends up in bed with BroJo anyway. JoJo heads Davetta off at the foot of the stairs, and I'm not sure where Davetta's been either. Anyway, JoJo works out that BroJo is only after Davetta's money. A nation belms. JoJo tries to get him to dump Davetta, but they find her crying over Tony Bennet's ashes (careful now, you don't want to go mixing them with Barry's) and decide to string her along for a few more days.

Speaking of which, Billy won't let Baby Petal go to foster parents before the adoption. Phoney's already packing the sleepsuits.

GADawn should have known, should have cared, should have hung around the kitchen in her underwear, acting like a lady instead of chasing after Slimy Metrosexual and discovering that he is married to *gasp* Hot Lady Doctor! She smashes his windscreen and stomps home. Slimy Metrosexual avoids getting beaten up by Mickney and tells GADawn that he loves her but he can't leave his wife. GADawn offers herself up for a charity auction date (eh?? Oh yes, Children in Need). AGarry 'wins' her, but she runs off crying.

Dasbo seems to have gone into some kind of dodgy business with BodySnatched Peter following Keef's decision to close down the market stall because he can't be arsed or something.

The replacement for Dodgy Marcus - last seen heading off to the Bahamas with a suitcase full of Mitchell cash - is funnier and less smug than her big sister Sophie Thompson. Sophie leaves Fill's legal papers in her flat, then her car breaks down, and she loses her keys, so Fill has to step in like Sancho Panza depping for the Don. A nation says: "She's neither squeaky, blonde, nor man-faced! And she's got A-levels! It'll never last!" Ben: not happy. Babs: thinks that dating a lawyer is a bit of a step up from the usual lady gangsters and part-time barmaids. The Beale tries to tell Sophie that Fill is a heartbreaker, a dream taker and lovebreaker whom nice girls shouldn't mess with. I love it when Beale gets weaselly. Go with your badass self, Bealemeister!

Bye bye baby, baby goodbye; Bye bye baby, don't make me cry

By special guest blogger, Patrick
(who has used different nicknames from the usual, just to be difficult)

Mickney and Dasbo are suspicious about BankerRob's intentions. GADawn is loved up and thinks nothing could possibly be wrong and that Rob is "the one". Again, it is clear that no one in EastEnders watches the soaps as verbalising that someone is "the one" is always the kiss of death. In a cunning plan, Mickney steals GADawn's mobile phone and gets BankerRob to meet him in a posh hotel. As we all know, the BBC is run by sodomites so we get a nice scene of BankerRob soaping himself up in the bath and Mickney coming into the bathroom to watch and lick his lips. BankerRob's wife phones as they're chatting (what are the odds, eh, viewers? Well, in soap world, close to 100%). Mickney seems to know it's Rob's wife using mystical extra sensory powers. In a weird homoerotic courting ritual, he punches the towel-wearing Rob and makes Rob agree to dump GADawn. However, Rob meets up with her in the Vic and can't go through with it. A nation yawns.

DevilChild Lucy asks PantoJane for some extra money. PJ says no, as she has to learn to live within her means. DCL: angry. PJ is worried that DCL is being bullied at school and using the extra £2 she'd asked for to pay off the thugs. Pretty poor thugs if they're only asking for £2. PJ says to the Bealemeister that they should tell DCL about the planned adoption and ask her to be bridesmaid. Bealemeister very against this idea but goes along with it. Meanwhile, PJane goes off to see NurseTanya, who assures her that DCL is very popular at school, according to LittleLauren, and that the adoption is wonderful news.

PJane and the Bealemeister sit DCL and Peter down to tell them about the adoption. Incidentally, has anyone else noticed that PantoJane always starts conversations to the children with "Me and your dad"? Hardly a good grammatical role model. Peter, who seems to have been supplied by the Paedophile Recruitment Agency [maybe his head twisted off in a 360 degree twirling frenzy - Ed], doesn't seem to mind. DCL shouts "Nooooo! You're not my mother and you never will be!!!!!!!!!!!!" and storms out. PJane is upset. She and the Bealemeister are talking about it and the Bealemeister takes the opportunity to give her a hug so he can do the Evil Over The Shoulder Grimace that is required in EE every time someone receives a hug.

The Bealemeister goes to talk to DCL about her reluctance to be adopted by PJane. DCL screams at him "I have a mother and today is the anniversary of her death! Why don't we ever talk about her?!" The Bealemeister replies "well, she had an affair with my half-brother-who-wasn't, tried to pass off the resulting baby as mine, then had an affair with my cousin, tried to have me shot, abducted my children and fled the country!" Unfortunately he didn't really say any of that, and just told DCL not to worry about the adoption, "because it's never going to happen". Mwah-ha-ha. O Bealemeister what is your evil plan? We all know PJane isn't anywhere near good enough for you since she rejected your fishly charms for Grunt, but let's face it, you're 38 with three marriages behind you, three kids, a growing paunch and a nasty recurring cold sore. You're not exactly a prime catch.

PJane takes DCL over to NurseTanya's for some pampering. Shitty receives an phone call from her mother (BT's Ironically Timed Phone Calls department is working overtime this week), and commiserates with DCL about how hard it must be to have lost her mother. DCL agrees, and then asks PJane if she can have her hair cut. PJane agrees and, lo and behold, DCL has it cut in the style of Cindy. Poline sees the hair cut, makes the sign of the cross and screams "It's Cindy! Cindy from beyond the grave!!!" and tells StraightPike all about what a witch Cindy was to the poor old downtrodden Bealemeister. This is actually a rather good plot development; let's hope that history will repeat itself and DCL will hire a hit man to take out the Bealemeister on his wedding day. Meanwhile, PJane finds a pack of tampons in DCL's bag which we had seen her shoplifting earlier. PJane realises that Lucy has been in such a bad mood as it's her very first rag week (get used to it, love, you've got another 35 years or so to go), so forgives her and they hug.

Bradders has organised a birthday surprise for JoJo - a trip on the LondonEye with champagne and truffles and everything! He tells Dadley about it and Dadley says that JoJo is far too common to appreciate it and that Bradders should find himself a classy lady. What, just like NurseTanya? Bradders also tells Dadley that JoJo's mum has just come out of the funny farm. Dadley immediately tells all his family and LittleLauren makes sarky comments about it to Bradders. Bradders has also, miraculously, managed to find a clothes shop apart from JoJo's stall, and has bought her a posh frock. RainMan delivers a card for JoJo which had arrived at the Tardis by mistake; BroJo sees it's from their mother and rips it up! However, BroJo's crime skills wouldn't tax even the Secret Seven for more than 30 secs, as he leaves the ripped card in the rubbish bin in the living room, where JoJo finds it. JoJo: annoyed.

JoJo wants BroJo to come with her to see their crazy mother, aka NutMum. BroJo says no way; JoJo is the nutty one for even wanting to go. JoJo arrives at NutMum's house to find NutMum not dressed (at 5pm!) and thinking it's 9am. Not a good start. JoJo drops BroJo into the conversation, just casual like, and NutMum starts screaming "He's dead, I tells ya! Sean is dead!" JoJo didn't realise NutMum was quite this far gone. Next day, NutMum is on quite good form and cooks JoJo a nice breakfast and gives her a digital camera for her 18th. JoJo shows NutMum a family picture. NutMum rips it up and screams a lot. JoJo flees back home, only to find that Bradders has gone on the Eye without her. She and Bradders row and she accuses him of trying to change her with his posh frocks and his London Eye trips. Bradders bursts into a few bars of Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are and they make up. JoJo tells BroJo that NutMum thinks he's dead. BroJo doesn't care.

Phoney agrees to take the BabyOfDoom out. Billy is pleased. When he comes home for lunch, Phoney has cooked a big meal. But where is the BabyOfDoom? Billy thinks the worst, but it turns out she's with Pat in the plot cupboard. Phoney says to Billy, isn't it great, just the two of us! Billy fails to pick up on her meaning until she hands him an adoption leaflet. He comes home the next day to find a note from Phoney saying that she just can't take it any more and has left him. Babs is angry and tells Billy to fight for his family "like a proper Mitchell!" Aaaargh. Billy tells her he's sick of hearing about the Mitchells - my hero! Babs and Billy take a taxi to NotDavidEssex's narrowboat in Kent (a taxi to Kent?!?!?! FFS.). They arrive. The narrowboat is moored on a green so idyllic, I keep expecting Miss Betsey Trotwood to appear to chase the donkies away. Phoney, however, has fled to the house of some posh but rather batty woman I've not seen before, who turns out to be her dead mother's sister. BattyAunt reveals her own adoption horror but says it was the right thing for her to do at the time and she will still love Phoney if she throws BabyOfDoom to the jackals.

Babs and NDE have made up now that Babs has confessed that she really rather likes BabyOfDoom, actually. Phoney arrives back and she and Billy talk about how hard BabyOfDoom's life will be. Phoney confesses that she hates the sight of BabyOfDoom and can't bear to be in the same room as "it", and that she nearly killed it with a pillow. Billy is shocked. He thinks back to his Psychology O-Level and pretends to be about to float BabyOfDoom off down the river to see if she survives. Unfortunately this backfires as Phoney is almost ready to shove the boat off, not stop him. Armed with this information, Billy reluctantly consents to the adoption. Fill and Babs are not pleased at all. PoshDoc comes around to get things going. Phoney tells Billy all about how she was expecting BabyJanet, not BabyOfDoom. As you all know, I'm actually a fan of Phoney, and she does all this stuff pretty well. She thanks Billy for going along with giving BabyOfDoom away, but Billy breaks down and cries like a big girl, which is actually rather affecting even to an old cynic such as myself.

And finally, Mrs Goggins tells TriniDad that her mother is coming over from Montserrat to meet him and that they can be a proper family at last. @@@ even wants to take TriniDad's picture to school! TriniDad realises that he hasn't thought this lying-about-the-DNA-results thing through and looks uncomfortable. This has to be one of the stupidest storylines yet for EE, and I'm even including the romance between Alan's mother and Felix the butterfly collector. Gah.