LITTLE MISS SUNSHITE

The Queen Vic is having one of those frequent non-comedy competitions they make up whenever they can’t think of enough plot for a week. This time it is a beauty contest. JoJo, Chelski, Syed’s Unwitting Beard and a few extras are taking part. Jojo does a strip tease and uses the opportunity to shower the Vic with tat from her stall, which she then sells. She also makes a stupid and out-of-character speech about how she is the queen of hearts. More like the Queen of WHATEVER. Juhneen’s Paddy Considine looking bloke goes over and says, “ I liked your speech.” Jojo: “Thanks!” Paddy: “Wanna shag?” Jojo “OK!” Juhneen pulls a hacky face.

Syed’s Unwitting Beard sings a Whitney lurve song to Syed, while everyone else is sick in their mouths a little bit. Xtian has a new slightly dozy-looking boyfriend whom he is using to torment Syed with thoughts of forbidden man-lurve. Syed (who has no neck, btw) is pretending he doesn’t care. SUB and Chelski have a tedious row.

Bradley has persuaded his glum faced girlfriend and her cute little deaf son not to move to Canadia so they can stay in Walford and watch him mope after JoJo. Good plan, glum faced girlfriend. Bradley plays scalectrix with the cute son then (SYMBOLISM ALERT) the car goes off the tracks. Bradley (SYMBOLISM ALERT – Gah!! Two lots of symbolism in five minutes!!!) then stands on it and crushes it. Cute son says “You’re not my dad! I hate you!” in sign language and runs off. Bradley proposes to Sid (aka glum faced girlfriend) in a really half arsed way so she laughs in his face and says that marriage is a patriarchal construct that’s not for her. Bradley sulks on Losers’ Bench a bit then reappears with a new Scalectrix car (SYMBOLISM ALERT) and says he wants them all to be together whatever.

Tanyah, Jane, Dadley and Bealemeister are doing a week of wife swap. WTF??? This mainly seems to involve Ian crawling round in a drunken stupor while Jane tells stories to Tanyah’s cute baby about people called Ian meeting horrible deaths. There is some controversy about whether Devil Child Peter (who has grown up into an illustration from a 1970’s girls comic) has shagged/is shagging Tanyah’s Eva Green lookin’ daughter. Drunk Ian tries to slip a Kaff’s Kaff battered saveloy to Tanyah in the middle of the night and she wakes up and screams “Eww, get off, you creep!” Devil Child Lucy runs in and sees the whole thing and laughs a satanic laugh.

Babs has whored herself out to Evil Archie to get the money to pay for Sam’s bail. No–one else would stump up, which isn’t surprising considering she scarpered to Brazil and changed heads last time she was on bail. Everyone else is like ”Muuuum, what did you do that for??” HMP Lakeland Plastics (where, yes, Sam did wear a rounders bib whenever it was visiting time! Nostalgia!) has not been kind to Sam’s gigantic hair. Bab’s shoe-horns her into a tight dress and enters her into the “Queen Vic Made Up Beauty Contest”. She then uses her Stalinist powers to make Trinidad rig the vote and announce her the winner. Well done Babs, that’ll really cheer Sam up when Archie turns you into a replicant like in that BBC promo slot of yesteryear.

Bianca and Rickay are still having problems. Whatever.

Wheelchair Lad declares himself a rival to Dasbo for Libbie’s affections. Also Whatever.

Babs goes to Archie’s Den of Evil (aka the car lot) to submit herself to his evil whims but the entire Mitchell Jr Brigade (well, Roxie, Fill, Ronnie and Billy) show up and give him a big pile of cash that Ronnie was saving up to buy another disastrous nightclub. “Keep your stinking bail money,” they say and march out triumphantly. (Babs says something boring about not being able to buy love, and family, probably, as well, before they go). Archie sits there making evil faces until Juhneen (who can smell a used £20 note from 500 yds) conveniently wanders in. Archie says “The Mitchells, we hates them forever” and offers Juhneen a big pile of money to help him make them pay, make them all pay! Juhneen fondles the money lasciviously and tries out a few evil faces of her own.

THE RETURN

It’s been a while, but the other week I actually watched an episode of EE that made me want to blog about it! Yay! I don’t know how regular this will be so don’t get too carried away, dear readers, but we’ll see how it goes. The event that encouraged this Return was none other than the Return Of Sam Mitchell! Dun dun dunhhh!!! As we all know, Sam used to be a teenager played by Daniella Westbrook, but after Daniella had some well-publicised drug shame hell type goings on, Sam Mitchell was sent away ‘to Spain’ and later returned with a completely new head to be played by Kim Medcalf, who, not to put too fine a point of it, seemed less thick than Daniella and so her Sam (aka Sham) occasionally put on a Business Barbie style New Look power suit and gibbered on about “business plans” and so on. She left too after getting embroiled in the Dirty Den Comes Back From The Dead But Not For Long storyline and now Sam is back again, having transmuted back into Daniella Westbrook. WTF? Now I am just waiting for a kafka-esque storyline where Sam is pursued by a stalker played by Kim Medcalf. Come on, EE, that would be awesome!!

I haven’t watched it properly for a while but was amazed at how many old timers are back on the square – Rickay! Bianca!! Juh-neen!!! I’m not sure who some of the new ones are yet though.

Anyway, it turns out that Rickay was sent to Brazil to launder some money for the Mitchells or something, and while he was there he met Sam who persuaded him to bring her home. Apparently Sam met some bloke in a bar who persuaded her that her crimes (preverting the course of justice re Dead Den) would have been like totally forgotten about by now. As I said, this Sam is thicker than we are used to. You can tell she lived in Brazil because she is covered in fake tan and wears scanty outfits in retina-searing combinations of orange and fuschia. Also her hair is gigantic and back combed to hell - she looks like Angie Dickinson! - and her teeth are so white that in some shots they actually look as though they are made of metal! Yikes! Her faintly goblinish aspect and wide range of sour expressions are still the same as ever though, thank God.

Babs is pleased to see her of course, but they are worried she will be collared by the filth, so she is supposed to be in hiding. Sam’s idea of hiding is to go down to the bar of the Vic and dance on the table in a vaguely robotic fashion. They make her hide properly while Fill talks to his brief. It turns out that she is still wanted and so will have to go back to Brazil (though clearly this is not going to happen). She decides to make the most of it and annoy as many people as possible before going back though – she annoys Roxie by impugning her motherhood skills and calls her baby retarded (possibly). She annoys Ronnie by aiming her breasts at Ronnie’s simple minded oaf of a boyfriend/husband or whatever. Ronnie and Roxie pretend they have known her for ages, even though they hadn’t been invented yet when Sam was last in it.

She annoys Jay by being a bit flirty with him (and giving him her undies – which (a) EWWW!! and b) is probably illegal in paedopocalypse UK) and then telling him to “leave me alone, you stupid childy child”, the next minute. She annoys Silent Tracy because obviously she is going to end up working at the Vic and thus giving her even less shifts/screen time/chances to say “I’ll go and change the barrel” once every two years. She annoys Archie, by just existing apparently. She annoys Bianca in classic fashion by immediately mesmerising Rickay with her barely concealed funbags and luminous teeth. By the end of two episodes they are engaged. Pat and Wuh Wuh Whitney* tell Bianca that she has to fight for her lurve, so Bianca goes to the engagement party to suck her teeth and look disapproving and ends up calling Sam “a peroxide chav”. Sam calls Bianca a “ginger mug” (V poor repartee. Must try harder) and bam – they are pulling hair and whaling at each other in classic fashion. Mreowww! Wuh Wuh Whitney is also annoyed as she is going to steal Rickay from Bianca and also deprive Wuh Wuh Whitney of the only father figure she knows who doesn’t indulge in Wrong Touching and call her a Dirty Whore all the time.

There is a classic montage of the people what Sam has annoyed, all staring thoughtfully at the their mobile phones, considering grassing her up. We never find out who makes the call, but before long a very tall detective and some shorter uniforms show up. Sam (wearing a heinous bacofoil batwing jacket she must have stolen off La Roux) runs away. She steals a car from the Arches, not realising that cars are taken to the Arches because THEY DON’T WORK. FAIL!!!! She makes it to the tube station on foot when some cops grab her and Sam screams “Nooo! nooo!! nooooo!!!!” while crying really badly and pulling unfortunate faces. “Someone grassed up my dortah!” hisses Babs, wig spinning with wrath. It is, as they say, ON.

In other news:

Juhneen has hooked up with a handsome young man who looks a bit like Paddy Considine. They are victimising Chelsea by having Paddy Approxidine rob her and then pretending to be nice to her. Juhneen expresses her gratitude by surprising Paddy whilst reclining naked, clad only in a pile of grubby £20 notes. I’m sure it isn’t the first time.

Minty has a love interest played by Josie Lawrence; a Guardian-reader type hippie with a kaftan woven of muesli and a son in a wheelchair, who is played by a real life bloke in a wheelchair. EE = bringing the issues!

Duhnise has acquired a love interest played by that handsome black bloke who has been in lots of other things. He has an annoying badly acted stage school kid, whose mother is decomposing in a shed in the allotment if the well-directed flies/vomitting scene means what I think it does. Ruh roh.

* this, of course is a reference to Bring It On, one of the Greatest Films Ever!!

Ummm...hello...is there anybody there?

This is Sarah. Mark and I are no so busy that we can't even manage our own blogs, let alone Easties or TVD.

However, I do have some good news: the lovely Patrick has asked if he can take over Easties Updates, so we've said that he can, with our blessing.

Take it away Patrick