'TIS PITY SHE'S A WATTS II
While O-Den seethes, Denman and Shazza are upstairs at Weird Family Central, kissing tenderly, and gently, teasingly unfastening each other's shirt buttons in the evening half-light...damn and blast you all to hell EE Producers! What were you thinking of? Cutting away to O-Den marching across the square just when a hungry nation was about to get a glimpse of Denman chest? Bastards.

O-Den asks Vickney if it's true. Vickney sobs. Den tells her to pack her bags and get ready to return to WFC. Poline looks like she wants to recite a cautionary poem about shagging one's sister too near a chocolate fountain, but restrains herself and mutters: "you'll be back...doobedee doo"

The counterpoint to all this is a long and slightly dull two-hander between Juley and MY Gus. MY Gus thinks Juley's on droocks, but Juley reveals that he's been watching too many 50 Cent videos, and wants the car, the girls, the Docklands flat (are you sure?). MY Gus warns him not to become a gangsta because he'll be crap at it, and end up dead, with a girl's name too. Juley calls MY Gus a losa. MyGus: Sad. And Angry. This had better be going somewhere.

Anyway, back to O-Den. He has a "quiet chat" with Shazza, who greets him wearing nothing but Denman's shirt. Denman, unfortunately, puts on a sweater and storms out to harangue Vickney on Loser's Bench. Shazza's lip twitches a lot and she does that strange deadpan voice thing that doesn't really work. Anyway, she points out that a) they're not related, so it's not sick/wrong; and b) she's not Den's little girl any more, she's Denman's Red Hot Mama, and there's nothing anybody can do about it.

O-Den tries to remind her that a) she's still his daughter, therefore it is still sick and wrong; b) he is but the latest in a long line of violent psychos, which was only broken by Hero Fireman Tom, who died anyway. Shazza's having none of it. I got bored at this point and the baby needed bathing, but somehow her defiance whittles away at Den's opposition. Maybe he got bored with all the lip quivering and hair twitching too.

Meanwhile, Byrite tries to recruit Denman into his merry band of Half-Assed Henchmen. The Half Assed Henchmen glare menacingly at Fool, just for laughs. Denman refuses politely and smiles at Dot, who is doing the Christian Thing and being nice to him while the rest of the pub shuns him. Just as Denman is about to order his second voddy, O-Den walks in. Pub falls silent. O-Den cracks a joke, and buys Denman a drink. Pub goggles, but nobody can be bothered really.

WATT'S THE STORY, BORING SNORE-Y
Charlie is still doing his Romanian orphan routine. Mo offers him some corned beef sandwiches but Charlie isn't in the mood for reprocessed carcass shavings. He throws the plate at the wall, shouts at Mo to shut up and turns a scary shade of red. Mo runs away crying to Slutty and says that Charlie was never that mean to her, even when she was arrested for biting a copper that one time. Heh. Slutty (wearing a "slimming" black outfit and Kiss stylee clown make up) goes and shouts at Charlie and then gives an inspirational speech that cures him just like that. He finds Mo on Losers bench and buys her forgiveness with an iced chelsea bun. Meanwhile, Fool finds out that famous gangster Byrite Andy actually is, yes, a loan shark. Duhhhhh! Andy shouts at Fool and is moodily lit and all but I have still seen scarier 12 year old girls (especially in holloway, brrr)

Gus is worried because Juley has disappeared and goes round shouting at people. Juley reappears at the end and he has been beaten up. Good.

All the Ferreiras get togged up and go to see the building society dude. They have worked out a repayment plan and ask to transfer the mortgage to Adull and Ash, however Ash's credit history is basically a smoking hole in the ground thanks to his gamble-o-holic-ism and Adull isn't rich enough to carry the loan himself. Build Soc dude says that they have an extra two weeks to pay off the default and after that they are fucked. The Kidz all go to a pub and laugh and joke about it. Um, OK... actually they are trying to cheer Ash up for being such a loser. Adull says that they will raise the money and tomorrow is another day etc.

Sham gives Andy the keys to her flat... and her heart! Billy is sick of being Andy's bitch and is not happy that he is moving in too. Shazza (who looks more and more like Sam Fox every day) eventually decides to sell the club to Andy. Meanwhile, Vickney moves in with Poline. Poline writes a snooty note to Denman telling him to pack up her stuff so Denman has a "dramatic confrontation" with Vickney in the market - he asks her to come to dinner with him and Shaz and Vickney squeals that it is sick and wrong, while two overacting French and Saunders style extras ladies make shocked faces in the background. Later on Shazza tells him to chill his boots but then they go round with Vickney's stuff and Denman shouts at Poline. She asks what O-Den is going to say and Denman says "If you are so interested in O-Den then why don't you marry him?" (I so hope that isn't foreshadowing). The words "toxic witch" are spoken, Denman gets a slap and runs away. Poline asks Shazza why she always goes out with psycho weirdos. Shazza says that Denman isn't weird (ie totally dodges the question). Poline says she is just thinking of Vickney. Shaz is sad and goes home to lick Denman's face and cheer herself up with hot creepy sex.

A taxi cab drives into the square. Who could it be? Ok, we all know it is O-Den back from panto/Fort Boyard or whatever he does in his spare time these days. He suddenly shouts "Stop!" (and I have to admit I shouted "Hammer Time!") and gets out of the cab to stare at the burnt out club. "What's going on?" he soliliquises and Poline materialises out of nowhere like the grim reaper. The combination of my shit telly, her uber-tan and platinum hair make her look fucking freaky. She says that many strange things have happened while he was away, including Vickney moving in with her and Shaz and Denman getting it on. O-Den takes a while to grasp the true crypto horror and then makes a grumpy face.

ALL PLAY AND NO DADVIS MAKE ADULL...WELL...STILL DULL I'M AFRAID
Great God Almighty, prison has turned Charlie into a whining bitch. He's a broken man, reduced to staring blankly at early morning makeover programmes and growling at his family as they grovel and beg his forgiveness. He says that he knew where he stood in prison, which leads me to think it's all a big cover up for the fact that he didn't really want to come home because he was enjoying being the wife of Knuckles McNulty or whoever. Even Sullen shouting at him doesn't shock him into a semblance of sanity, and he retreats back to the TV in time for Big Strong Boys.

Ethel has a hangover, but then remembers that she forgot to tell Fool that she'll be moving in with Tink after they're married. Fool seems nonplussed by this. That's what married people do, mate. Remember? That's why you share a room with Slutty now. He comes up with the magical brainwave that Tink can move in chez Moon. Ummm where? Poor old Ethel seems to be sleeping on the sofa already. Tink seems to agree to this all too readily for somebody with his own private income and place of his own.

Moomin passes her driving theory test. Be very afraid.

NC subplot involving Eco Warrior Mickney trying to get the Bealemeister's chip van to run off recycled chip fat, with hilarious consequences (not). AGarry is poor, so Mickney bribes the Bealemeister with a free service, and fries up a romantic fish supper for AGarry and Sullen, who must be about four months gone now, and still isn't showing in the slightest - lucky cow.

So, back at the Ferreiras, everybody's shouting at Adull; he didn't open the threatening letters from the building society because they were marked "Private and Confidential". Ash shouts his way into the building society manager's office, and learns that Dadvis has only made one mortgage payment ever. They have to find £12K before the end of the month or they're all homeless. Look, just get Madhur to sell a few books and you're sorted, guys. Adull has a Big Revelation - that Dadvis hated him - and takes the Elvis suit off to the allotments to burn it. Ash finds him sobbing "betrayed...BETRAYYYYED!" over a smoking brazier. We get a mildly touching and quite well-acted history of Adull's trials at the hands of Dadvis, but Adull isn't a victim any more, he's a big strong man and about to blossom as a creative force, says Ash (yeah, whatever). They ceremoniously burn Dadvis's Elvis shades, but keep the rest of the costume for some reason that is unfathomable to man or beast.

GANGSTA'S PARADISE
Apologies all, we had guests last night, and then I had to cook dinner, and then I missed EE both times...and and and...so here's the crib from the BBC site.

Charlie comes home to a big party at the Vic. Slutty tries to tell everybody to shut up about paying off Eeeevil Graham, but Charlie finds out, and is cross. Apparently they've taken his dignity away or something. I dunno. Wearing a rounders sash for two months probably did that better than Slutty could ever do, mate.

Byrite Andy has begun to weave his web of...well you can't exactly call it eeevil, can you?...his web of implied menace? Idiot Training Scheme? I give up. He glowers sinisterly and allows Fool to defer his first repayment on Charlie's Freedom Fund. Sham speaks for us all when she tells him that seeing Denman and Shazza together turns her stomach, but probably not for the same reasons as the rest of us. Byrite makes another offer-you-can-refuse-if-you-want-to to Shazza, who probably does the mouth thing again and consults Denman. Denman suggests that she take the money and run. Yes Shazza, run far, far away, and take Denman's shirts with you. Isn't panto season over yet? Where's Den when you need him?

Junior Gangsta Juley tells MY Gus that he was looking after the gun for some friends, and now it's gone, he's toast. Then he reasons that if Billy can get a job as a crap henchperson/ninja kitten wrangler, he should be in with a chance too. Byrite doesn't think he can handle the scratches. MY Gus apologises and we await JG Juley's imminent demise and poor Gus's heartbroken expression - which is a bit like his "oops I've been caught in a burgled shop" expression. And his "Where's Wellard" expression.

The Ferreira tedium continues. Adull breaks down and confesses to Kareena that he doesn't really want Dadvis to come home because he's rather enjoying not being a whipping boy for once. They decide to move the Elvis gear up into the attic, but only after Adull steps into his father's clothes for one last time...ewww...creepy. Then a bailiff working overtime appears and tells them the house is being repossessed because Dadvis has been tapping into the mortgage account.

Pat beats Mo at the Fat Club weigh in. Result!

CRAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN
Gus is all torn and indecisive about the gun. Julio disappears off somewhere for the day and Kellay nearly finds the gun so Gus hides it in his parka pocket. He is cleaning the street and keeps running into a wacky dustman who keeps whittering on about films and made-up cult TV series and is clearly a Poor Man's Bill Bailey. He has a cuppa with Moomin (who has got rid of her hiddy '80s fringe, thank god) and shows her the gun. Moomin Powers Activate! She screams that he has to get rid of it for Kellay's sake but Gus can't think of how to get rid of it - Duuuhhhh! Throw it in the canal! Later on PMBB mentions that nothing can withstand the hydraulic jaws of death in the rubbish-lorry thing (I have totally forgotten what they are called! what a spaz!) so Gus chucks it in there. When Juley finds out he goes mental as he was just looking after it for a member of the So Solid Crew or something and now he is in big trouble.

Adull acts all martyred and does all the work while the rest of the Ferriera Kidz frolic around in a remarkably non-annoying/borderline amusing way. Vickney guilt trips Scalliq and DJ Ross (who are now clearly in love again) into doing loads of housework. Adull is pleased but then overhears Scalliq saying that it has probably done him good for Dadvis to run away.

Sham seems to be bored of Byrite Andy. Me too, love. Minty skips around in the background telling her that shagging Byrite is a mistake as it should be him instead. Doh, he didn't mean to say the last bit out loud. Andy wants to try and buy the club off Shaz again while she is weak and distracted by crypto-incest issues.

Slutty continues to be worried about where Fool got the money. She contemplates forging Charlie's signature ( a big "X" shouldn't be too tricky) for the authority letter but then decides to trick him into signing it instead. At the nick, Charlie has the distant stare of someone who has seen things that should not be seen unless you have tuned in to watch Oz, say. He starts going on about how much he loves Slutty so of course she can't bring herself to trick him. She goes and discusses it with Fool who says that the end justifies the means or something. Slutty forges the signature. At the lawyer's office, Evil Graham is all smug, tries to provoke Fool into attacking him by calling Slutty a Slut (Slutty says "Just leave it! he's not worth it!" for real) and starts gloating about using the money for a swank holiday. Slutty points out that he can't leave the country on police bail and suggests he uses the money to make life easier in jail where he will spend a pleasant 6 years having boiling water thrown at him and being taken roughly from behind. Not so smug now, eh Graham? Nice work there from the Slutmeistrix. Back at the Vic it turns out that Fool borrowed the money from Andy. He promises he'll pay Andy back and Andy says "Yes, you'll pay. You'll all pay. Bwa ha ha!" whilst glowering lecherously at Slutty.

Phew, loads of plot in this one!

When Pat finds out that Juhneen's car was smashed up she goes round to see BB and finds him wallowing in self pity. She shouts at him for messing up with Nat etc etc and when BB starts whinging on about guilt she confesses that she ran over that little girl ages ago and still feels bad about it but tried to make it right and that's what Paul should do. Also she shouts "siddown!", says that she is BB's only friend at the moment and acts all hardboiled and tough. Go Pat! BB says he wants to go round and teach Juhneen a lesson but Pat says that he will only get into trouble with the law. She says she will go and speak to Juhneen. At Juhneen's she barges into the flat and accuses Juhneen of being a poisonous minx. Juhneen says that Pat is also poisonous and killed Roy with her incessant talk and crazy ear rings. She calls Pat a "drink driving, child killing, ex prostitute" or something so Pat slaps her. Again with the slapping! This whole confrontation is melodrama-rama. Pat says that she will do everything to bring Juhneen down and that she hopes Juhneen burns in the fiery pits of hell. Yowsa!

JULIUS GEEZER
Juley keeps lounging around Gus and Kellay's flat, making a mess and saying incomprehensible things like "shizzle my nizzle, foxy mama" etc. Kellay is annoyed and alternately shrieks and pouts. Gus tells her to chill but then tidies up anyway. Juley says he is gay for tidying up. shut up, Juley. Gus is dismayed to find a piece! a gat! a rod! a gun! in the piles of Juley's crap but I am pleased as Juley is so stupid that he will probably manage to shoot himself.

Shaz obsessively plucks at her over-processed hair so Denman mutters a few platitudes and offers to take her out for a walk. Vickney squeals "Urgh! sickos" and Poline puts on her best sour face and accuses them of being selfish and ruining Vickney's life. In the Vic Sham makes lots of snide comments and suggests they find more of a family pub. Shaz stands up and waves her finger around and tells the whole world to leave off. sham makes a spiteful face and everyone else looks all surprised, like "why, the incestuous wench has moxie!"

Slutty goes to prison where it appears that the non stop rounders games have taken their toll on Charlie's mental health. She says that they have to get the money so Fool says he will sort it out. Hwe tries to borrow it off Sham ("Who do you think I am? Victoria Beckham?" In your dreams, Sham) and the bank manager (who also says no) and then mysteriously reappears with a bundle of notes. He says that it is not at all dodgy. Hmmm, maybe he has to sleep with Byrite twice a week from now on.

Juhneen wanders round gloating to people that she is not in prison. She especially gloats to Pat who is resplendent in a silver velour leopard print coat/tent type device. BB keeps phoning Nat - they have a talk but she says she still feels guilty for ditching Baz and that she can't forgive BB for his part in Baz' downfall so she doesn't want to see him ever again. After she has gone she tells PAt that it is all too much and that she is going to move away and start a fresh life. Oh, OK. Bye Nat! Your hair was often rotten but I always quite liked you. When BB finds out that she has gone for-evah and evah he is in the Vic. Juhneen says "ha ha, I'm not the only billy no-mates in walford now" and BB goes totally mentalist and tries to attack her. Denman and Fool hold him back while Juhneen hops around comically in the background. BB is thrown out of the Vic and cries and carries on etc, then he picks up a handy metal bar and goes all apeshit and smashes up Juhneen's car. Die shiny headlamp, die!

BIZARRE HATE TRIANGLE
Everyone in the Vic is talking about the Crypto-Incestuous Snog but then Simpleton (and her glossy new hair) notices Juhneen being driven away by DI Chadster and rushes in to gloat and tell Pat. Pat runs off to tell Nat and Nat immediately dumps Pat with the babysitting and rushes off to confront Paul.

At the nick, DI Chadster disappears and is replaced by another cop who asks Juhneen to talk about Baz' death. He lets her spin a tissue of lies and then produces BB's detailed statement which explains their whole affair etc etc etc. He even has a list of all the comedy names they called Baz: "fat useless lardbucket", "gargantuan man mountain" etc etc. Juhneen flashes her eyes angrily, fiddles with the Incriminating Armlet and changes tack, to say that BB was a jealous stalker type and that she only shagged him once after B died. The cop produces a bank statement in J and BB's joint names dating back from Baz was alive. Juhneen makes another "Grrr, foiled" face and says it was money they won on a horse together. It turns out that the cop knows the whole story of Baz's dodgy/not-dodgy heart and that everyone thought baz was doomed and pretty much guesses the whoel story of Juhneen finding out and lashing out in anger. He asks for her side of the story and Juhneen looks all snivelly, as if she is going to tell them, but then realises that they have ne real evidence and tells them to charge her or let her go. They let her go.

BB tells Nat that he confessed everything to win back her love and can they go out together again, puh-lease. It's all a bit boring so lets move on. In the end Nat says she'll think about it and has to get back to relieve Pat of babysitting duty. After she's gone there is a knock on the door. When BB answers, it is Juhneen, looking livid. She gives BB an ace, back handed, Dynasty style slap and starts screaming that he betrayed her and tried to get her sent down, only they don't have enough evidence etc etc. It turns out that basically she still loves BB and wants him back and can't believe he dropped her like a sack of shit just because Baz died. They argue a bit about Natalie and BB basically tells her to fuck away off. Juhneen says that it isn't ovah and BB asks if she is going to kill him too. Juhneen stomps off.

Nat is moping pensively around her flat when there is a knock on the door. Don't answer it, Nat! Nat does answer the door and there is Juhneen, looking all menacing and evil. Ruh roh. Nat says "I thought you'd been arrested!" and Juhneen says "I was but then they let me go as they didn't have any evidence. I got away with moider!!! what do you think of that, bitch!" Nat is all "talk to the hand" but Juhneen starts going on about how BB was in with her from the start, helped rip off loads of money and then gave it to Nat out of guilt. Nat slaps Juhneen (though she is not as good a slapper as Juhneen, obviously) and Juhneen stalks off, after gloating a bit more.

Quality acting from all and a decent script made this the best episode for ages. Hurrah!

SLEEPING WITH THE FAMILY
Shazza's all loved-up with Denman and offers to walk him to the station on his way to the gym. They have their arms around each other until they reach the unusually busy market and Bad Brutha. Shazza breaks away, full of guilt and shame. Delusionoid Denman wants to know why she finds their sick, wrong love so sick and wrong. Shazza tells him that she confessed all to Kyert, and Kyert had to use a quart of brain bleach to wash her disapproval away. Denman still doesn't see the problem, and tells her that she must meet him at the Vic for a drink like a proper couple, or it's over. It's one of those nights when just about everybody is gathered in the pub on some shoddy pretext or other - Vickney is even drinking with Poline. A spiral-permed blonde makes a play for Denman, and is politely rebuffed. Denman exchanges hacky looks with Slutty for a few hours, then Shazza walks in. They do lots of standing very close and breathing heavily, and then start licking each others' faces. Now, if this was a Western, somebody would have stopped playing the piano and the bar staff would have started hiding the valuable liquor. But it's the Queen Vic, and they're too busy gawping even to put "Duelling Banjos" on the jukebox.

Vickney persuades Adull to stop being the family gimp and act on his own ideas. Ash joneses something rotten at the sight of Araminta (yay!) winning on the Queen Vic slot machines, and is temporarily saved by his Gamblers Anon group leader, who reminds him that he's only on Step 4, and he should be at meetings if he doesn't want to backslide. On his way to the meeting, Ash (who doesn't need to witness Shazz and Denman's face-licking because he knows already...do keep up at the back) meets Byrite, who mentions his credit line/loansharking operation. The devil comes and takes Ash from pub to bookies.

Araminta returns! But only to look on jealously as Sham and Byrite mack on each other in the back seat of Byrite's tacky coupé. And win enough money to make Ash go all wobbly.

Fool suggests a collection for Charlie, and they miraculously collect a thousand pounds in used pennies within minutes. Slutty frets: it's not enough, and she will have to go and do the Indecent Proposal thing with Byrite (come on girl, it's not like you haven't seen it before).

Bad Brutha pursues Nat through the unusually crowded market, bumping into a particularly weird extra who is holding a bunch of daffs like it's the Statue of Liberty torch. Nat doesn't want to know, and says he should go to the police if he's that guilt-ridden. BB tries to remind her that Juhneen is the embodiment of pure evil and will probably try to hang Bazza's murder on him. Nat doesn't care, and throws him out. BB shuffles off to the police station.

After a hard day's tormenting, Juhneen returns home to prepare her dinner. She finds her bracelet from Paul and tries to clean it up. We learn that she keeps Bazza's remains in the cupboard under the stairs. Cool. The doorbell rings, and ...it's the coppers! Wanting to talk about a moider!

One of them used to work for me as a data entry temp many years ago - he shall henceforth be called by his TPD nickname of Chaddy Waddy. Or DI Chaddy Waddy to you.

ANDY-CENT PROPOSAL
Slutty is acting like a grown-up for once. She tries to get a loan for the ?10k and when that fails she goes round to see Rapist Graham's Super Smug Lawyer and ask if they can pay the cash in installments. Smug Lawyer makes her stand in a corner while he uses his Evil Hotline to check with Graham. Graham says no and that what's more he wants the money in a week or else they will have to go to court. Doh. Slutty tries acting all righteous with Evil Lawyer but nothing can penetrate his thick, rubbery layer of smarm. Later on, Byrite Andy comes into the Vic, orders a drink and apparently pays for it with three ?50 notes - did he order a vial of Britney Spear's wee or something? Slutty butters him up and asks if he can lend her the cash. Andy says he will give her the cash and all she has got to do is shag him twice a week. Bargain! Slutty slaps him and storms out.

Shaz confesses her brother-loving shame to Kyert. Kyert says "Um, yeah. you might want to keep that a secret, *cough*wierdo*cough*." Ash gives Vickney a racing tip (and kind of barks at her a bit, but it doesn't really count as Gamblin' Tourettes) but the horse turns out to be lamer than a soap opera plot about kidney transplants and they lose the money. Ash shouts "bet again!" but Vickney won't and Ash has already spent his lunch money or something. Andy says he can offer Ash a line of credit for gambling. Later on Andy offers Denman a job as a debt colector/kneecap remover, Denman says no but I wonder if these two plots will intersect at any point?

Jules has started flashing money around and wearing tacky "Elizabeth Duke" style jewellry. Yes, the words "bling" and "bling" are used.

After much dithering around, Nat decides to move in with Bad Bro after all. While he is out, Juhneen rings him and leaves an ultra suspicious sounding message. Nat listens to it, the nosey mare, and then confronts BB about his mystery relationship with Juhneen. BB busts out his mega acting skillz and confesses that he used to shag Juhneen. Nat quickly works out that he must have been doing it whilst Juhneen and Baz were together and starts going on about how disgusting it was. Um Nat, you were hardly the patron saint of marital fidelity yourself so why don't you shut your cake hole. Nat is going on about how bad they were for using poor old Barry for money while BB demonstrates his wide range of wounded guilty expressions and eventually says that he never meant for Juhneen to engineer a fatal non-slip-on-shoe accident. Nat is shocked and appalled and orders him to keep away from her and Bazlet.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (BORING)
Bad Brutha's all happy happy joy joy about Nat and the Bazlet moving in with him. Then Juhneen glowers into view and reminds him of his evil past, and how he'd better discourage Nat and her money grabbing demands or there will be big trouble. BB denies everything and looks shifty.

Nat's really popular today. Gran Detective Pat tells her about the Incriminating Armlet, but Paul says there's a simple explanation. Yeah, you were shagging Juhneen behind Bazza's back and hastening a fatal heart attack by any means necessary. Simple. When she asks Juhneen about it, Juhneen says: "Paul? Ummm...yes...oh that'll be my stalker. Funnily enough, he's called Paul, just like your Paul...oooh is that the time?" Later, Nat sees Juhneen leaving the B&B after another tedious nagging session. N:Sad. J: in a strop.

Scalliq has got his feet well under the table chez Ferreira, so Adull turns his beady searchlight of whinge onto wee Vickney. Actually, I'm with Adull on this one. He reminds Kareena that Vickney's a troublemaker and her brother's a psycho, and Dadvis wouldn't like an unattached young female living in a house full of single men and Scalliq. DJ Ross still wears the big plaster on his neck, but Scalliq keeps forgetting to clutch his side and go "ouch" occasionally. Adull refuses to eat with the others because Dadvis always preferred them to sit up at the table...my attention wandered to the IKEA catalogue at this point. I'm thinking of a Magiker storage combination for the living room.

The Scoobies are plagued by Wattses today. What with Vickney in residence, and Shazza flicking her awful "choppy" blunt cut fringe all over their hallway, trying to get Vickney to return home. Vickney tells Ash about the freakish crypto-incest. Ash goes: "ewwww!" and agrees to be her friend again. For some reason they're in the caff later, when Denman walks in and starts being vile to Vickney. Ash steps in and says: "I know everything nudgenudgewinkwinkquizzicaleyebrow!". Denman retreats muttering. Vickney says: "My hero! Let's go betting!". Ash says OK, but don't tell the other Scoobies.

Idiots in Jail pt II. Charlie appears to have had an argument with the other members of the rounders team. He still wants to fight on, so Slutty takes it upon herself to visit Eeevil Rapist Graham's lawyer. Lawyer's office has the pink walls and the cheap, shiny reproduction bookcases that signify Slimy Shyster. Indeed, Eevil Rapist Graham emerges from the shadows and demands a king's ransom (OK, £10K) for all the trouble the Slaters have caused him. Sullen should offer to sleep with him and pass on AGarry's anti-social disease from a few months back.

Shazza is worried that Ash will scream and point at them like a Body Snatcher when he next sees them. Denman, who is either mad or supremely stupid, suggests they go public and nakedly canoodle in McArfur Park to declare their sick, wrong passion to the world and give people the chance to throw petrol over them. Shazz reminds Denman that she was nearly burned at the stake by the Mitchells when she was shagging Fill behind Grant's back. Denman agrees to wait until she's ready. Can't he wait with his shirt off, just to make it more interesting?

PAT BUTCHER INVESTIGATES: THE CASE OF THE INCRIMINATING ARMLET
Sorry this is so late kids, but I have been out all weekend and staying with someone who doesn't have a computer, anyway....

Go! Go! Gran Detective! Juhneen almost catches Pat looking at the mystery bangle, Pat manages to hide it in a drawer while talking about something else. Pat then totally unsubtly grills Juhneen as to whether she is having/or has ever had a relation with bad Brother. Juhneen says no while Pat rephrases the question about 50 times and then tells her to leave. Pat goes round to the BandB (where her face is the exact same colour as the burnished mustard coloured leather sofa) and tells Nat not to move in as Paul cannot be trusted. They drag it out for ages but then Pat finally says she has evidence that Paul is cheating on Nat with Juhneen. Nat looks pensive. Oh ok, and also sad.

DJ Ross is happy that Scalliq and Kareena are moving back to the house. (What are the chances that when the bandage comes off his throat he has zero ventilator scars, btw). Adull says that they can't tell anyone that Scalliq is their brother as "Dadvis wouldn't like it" and also because Adull being as c*** is for life, not just for christmas!

Tink and Fool bond and then Tink produces an engagement ring and proposes to Ethel 2.0.

Ian sees that the nail bar is shut and asks Kyert what is the deal? She says she doesn't feel like working and has no bookings anyway - she is sad that the nail bar hasn't taken off and become (and I quote) "an integral part of the community". Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. She also moans that everyone only pretended to like her because they were scared of Fill. Ian says that that is bollocks and offers to take her by the hand and walk her through the streets of London, as he can show her something that will make her change her mind. Kyert says no. She is sitting on Losers Bench when some random old lady comes over and starts whittering on about how much she loves her manicures blah blah. Kyert suddenyl realises that is important and appreciated after all. Bless! or alternatively Vom! You be the judge!

No, no! no, no, no, no! no, no, no, no! no no, there's no limits! Crypto, crypto, crypto, crypto! Yes, Shaz and Denman are back! Ash jumps off Vickney like a scalded cat. Denman grabs him and suddenly turns into JACK BAUER off 24, with lots of velvety whispered threats and sexy violence etc. He tells Ash that he will Keeeell him if he touches Vickney again. Ash leaves sharpish. Denman and Shaz ask Vickney what she is playing at and she says she is shagging inappropriate people to keep up the family tradition and storms off. Shaz says "She knows!" and immediately pours herself a quadruple vodka. Mmmm, vodka. They have a long boring talk with Vickney where V acts like she is the centre of the universe and that they are doing it just to spite her. Also she over-uses her acting trump card of looking tearful and covering her face with her hands a bit too often. In the end she says that Shaz has to choose between her and Denman-loving and unsurprisingly Shaz chooses Den. Vickney cries some more, packs her bag and leaves. She asks if she can stay with Ash as she has nowhere else to go - hmm, I must have blinked in the scenes where she asked to stay with Poline, Ian or Backstreet. Ash says no, as she is a no good, bad news dame etc but then Kareena says Vickney can stay with them after all. Ruh roh.

ABOUT EASTIES UPDATES

Easties Updates was born when one or two online friends living outside the UK asked for updates on how the Furwank/Pat naked flashing bow tie affair was progressing, many years ago. Somehow, it turned into a regular feature of our favourite online forum. We decided to try out this New Blogging Phenomenom Thing, and created Easties Updates in late 2002 - around the time that Shane Richie first appeared.

Easties Updates is written by Sarah and Mark.

Sarah is a sometime web site editor, sometime housewife superstar. She is married to Mr P and lives in south London with him, their daughter and two idiot cats.

Mark is a gay ex-punk kickboxing accountant. He is very tall and lives in Holloway. His boyfriend works for the BBC, but sadly not a part of the Beeb that has anything to do with Eastenders.

We try to write and post the update as soon as an episode of EE finishes in the UK (or on Sunday if it's the Friday ep) However, we both have quite hectic lives, and we like going on holidays and stuff, so please bear with us if we're not always punctual.

SCALLIQ DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE
I missed the first ten minutes because my dad was there and I had to explain the whole Easties blogspot concept to him, with added Dad-like interruptions (the usual: "haven't you got anything better to do", "bloody saddoes", "who's this Mark person?", "give me the baby" etc)

Anyway, according to the official site, Ian orders Vickney to tidy up Weird Family Central 'cos it looks like a teenager has been left to her own devices by her siblings who find her so tiresome they end up shagging each other to stop talking about how irrating she is. In Tenerife.

Charlie has to serve an extra two weeks in prison. Slutty tracks down Piers the solicitor who, in true EE fashion, seems to conduct business in a local cafe rather than in a proper office. He's staying then. Piers explains - speaking very slowly and using pictures, no doubt - that Charlie is fucked whatever he does. Slutty relays this message back to Sullen and Mo, and they agree to getting Charlie to abandon his battle with Eevil Rapist Extortionist Graham.

Ethel 2.0 tries to get Tink and Fool talking. She even supplies them with a list of conversation topics, but it fails (on so many levels too). Tink and Fool discover that getting annoyed with Ethel is the one thing they have in common. Well, them and the rest of the known universe.

Nat and Bad Brutha make arrangements in their empty lovenest (not even a DSS family in sight - this is the only loss-making B&B in East London, I swear). Juhneen stares at the solicitors letter and stomps about wickedly. Pat appears, and asks if she can snoop around the house in remembrance of Roy, the anniversary of whose death it is. Really it's a Clever Ruse to get into Juhneen's secret things. Oh no, she really does want to remember Roy by snooping around the house. Juhneen can't bear to listen to Pat's witterings about Barry, Roy, happy days, affairs with Fur-wank etc, and disappears to sell a few cars. Pat snoops around, finds Barry's diary ("Sold a car today. Yay for me!", "I really love Nat", "I really hate Nat", "I hate Pat", "I hate Juhneen", "I love Juhneen", "Baz 4 Juhneen 4ever SWALK", "I still hate Pat") and reads it for a bit. The diary gets boring after...oooh...two minutes, and she snoops some more. And that's when she finds The Bracelet of Doom. You remember, the one that says "Bad Brutha loves Juhneen and we're going to kill Baz and take all his money. Bwahahaaha!". Juhneen returns. Pat steals the bracelet because it's evidence and the scriptwriters need it to hasten Juhneen's inevitable comeuppance and transfer to a) The Bill (yawn); or b) Bad Girls (please God yes!).

DJ Ross moans at Adull about not having Scalliq around and indicates that Dadvis is gone for good (like we didn't know that already - pity, my dad wanted to see how much he did look like him). Adull capitulates like the spineless bitch he is, and invites Scalliq and Kareena home. Ash escapes the misery by hanging out with Vickney, who tempts him back into the betting shop. They win lots of money and Ash acts like he's on an overdose of happy pills. Vickney invites him back to Weird Family Central so that she can shag him in Shazza's bed. Shazza and Denman return to find her ripping Ash's clothes off. They are shocked. Shocked!

Kyert returns from AlcoPop's funeral to an empty home and Ian badgering her to talk about her loss. I'm surprised she's not on the next train out of Kings Cross, really.

BRIDEZILLA II: GRANDMOTHER OF BRIDEZILLA
The Slaters have a big palaver about getting together a Welcome Home From the Big House party for Charlie. Mo makes a shit looking, wonky cake. Slutty is entrusted with making a roast dinner (though mercifully we are spared the non-comedy cooking scenes). There is some bollocks about them buying the wrong party decorations off Mickney. In the end Charlie doesn't come home as he had a "Tango and cash" style action hero prison freakout, smacked a "screw" and trashed his cell. I bet that is a euphemism for "dirty protest". Either way, I'm glad it took place off camera. Oh yes.

Speaking of lame homecomings: DJ Ross is back from the orspital. Ash tries to make Adull feel guilty that Kareena and Scalliq won't be there but Adull won't change his mind and stop being a prick. They also make a lame cake/have wrong Mickney decorations. When DJ Ross comes home he is sad that K&S aren't there and snubs Adull's lame party. Ash snubs him too and leaves Adull feeling miserable and alone. Good.

Vickney apologises to Backstreet for the Teen Age Riot etc etc last night. She is about to explain that she is acting up due to Crypto Horror but Backstreet is busy and has to dash off to see if he has started growing hair under his armpits yet. Vickney spots Ash lurking outside the bookies (no gamblin' tourettes this episode, sadly) and invites him home to teach her how to play poker. In the flat, Vickney demonstrates her fake "I've got a good card" signals, which include sucking her finger, rubbing her bristols, etc etc. Ash doesn't seem to get it so she suggests a game of strip poker and commences to lose. Ash is helping her out of her top and starts macking on her neck but then suddenly remembers that she is, like, 12 and runs away. Vickney laughs because she is crayzeee and out of control.

Slutty cracks out all her Bridezilla magazines and lets Ethel 2.0 read them. Fool moans that the wedding (in Easter) is too soon so Ethel says she'll put it back a couple of months.

Juhneen gets a letter from Nat's solicitor and makes villainous faces. She moans to Bad Bro that Nat wants half of everything and says that he has to stop her or else he will be in big trouble. BB explains that he can't tell Nat to do anything as she already dumped him. Later on Juhneen sees Jack in the caff, acts all sweet and aunty-like and offers to cut up his cake for him. Pat sees her wielding a knife and hilariously over-reacts and whisks Jack away. Dude, it is one of those shit knives like you got to eat school dinners. The only way you could hurt someone with one of those is if you dropped it on their head from the top of the Empire State Building. Bad Brother writes a mystery letter and then apologises to Nat, says that is behind her 100% and that she can move in with him. Nat accepts and then goes to gloat to Juhneen. More villainous faces. Juhneen summons BB again and says the same thing but BB says that if she messes with him then he will grass her up for moider and also that he has put a sealed letter in a vault that will reveal her crimes if BB dies suspiciously. Melodramatic much. Juhneen says "I'm not that bad" so BB starts going on about how she is evil, rotten inside, never been loved etc etc. Juhneen whimpers "You wuvved me" so BB sticks the boot in a few more times and says that if that their bizarro relationship was her only experience of love then she is even more fucked up than he thought. BB stomps off and Juhneen throws something at something else.

TIE A YELLOW RIBBON ROUND THE OLD TAXI
The Slaters are all of a flutter because Charlie is due out in the next couple of days. Sullen has washed her hair and put special highlights in for the family visit to Charlie's cell. Chas is wearing a yellow sash thing that looks like he's been picked for the rounders team. He says that all the other prisoners are supporting him and say he shouldn't let Graham take him to the cleaners and other misdemeanours. Proof no. 987 that Charlie is in fact an idiot, if you needed more. He tells his Piers Morgan looky likey solicitor to fight Graham to the death because a bunch of crims told him to. Piers looks tired and patiently explains that since Charlie pleaded GUILTY, there is no fight to be fought. He should just pay up and shut up. Charlie shouts about his fighting fund and grabs hold of Piers's lapels. Two burly prison guards appear and drag him off to be punished by his prison husband.

Back in the Square, Juhneen glowers evilly at Nat and Bad Brutha as they skip amorously across McArfur park. Later she corners BB and threatens him with dire consequences if he starts causing trouble with Natalie. All this frolicking with BB and girl detectiveing over Bazza's death has been affecting Nat's mysterious work, and they sack her with one week's pay and after only one warning. BB sensibly says she has a case for unfair dismissal, but she ignores him and decides to fight for Bazlet's share of the Evans Empire. Juhneen is suitably nasty and BB is not happy. Nat walks out on BB (again) when he realises that his affair with Juhneen might come out if Nat starts causing trouble. If it gives us more Juhneen and less Ferreira nonsense, then I'm happy.

This ep is mercifully Ferreira-free, actually. Instead we have Shazza getting worried that Vickney isn't returning her calls (to Tenerife? On a mobile? Are you mad, woman?). She marshals Ian's support. Ian give Vickney some free chips and tells her to phone Shaz. Vickney has a bratty fit, summons Spencer to drink neat vodka (eww) at her house (Shaz calls, Spencer answers. Vickney: bratty), followed by a muppet rampage of knock down Ginger and attempted car theft. Spencer tells Vickney that she's speeding down the Highway to Nowheresville. Vickney says: "Whatever, Loser..." and bursts into tears at the thought of Shazza and Denman making the beast with two backs and more than its requisite number of fingers (again).

Fool tries to persuade Ethel 2.0 to come out with him on one of their wild bingo days out. Ethel tells him to stop being such a sad loser and get a life: she's got Lovejoy Tink to keep her warm now, and she doesn't need no kids cluttering up her life. Tink tries (and fails) to persuade Fool that he's not after Ethel's pension. Exeunt Tink and Ethel to Hatton Garden to look at oversized, tasteless engagement rings. Fool: sad.

ADULLUSIONAL

I had a video programming disaster on Thurs so I will never know if Kareena found Scalliq's life size photo of DJ Ross with the hole cut out of the mouth. Anyway, Kareena and Scalliq have fun in the bedsit - basically eating Madhur's delicious recipes, watching telly and giggling. This is contrasted with Ash and Adull sitting in grim silence eating fish and chips. Ash goes round to check Kareena is OK and is tempted to stay by the promise of tinned beer. Soon he is giggling/watching telly too. Adull looks at a family photo (where Ross is doing a hilarious catalogue model type pose) and poignantly strokes Dadvis' face with his fat little finger.

Pat and Mo bicker in the Vic and recall an arm wrestling match they had in 1960 or something. Sullen is back, having apparently found a bottle of volumising shampoo in the meantime. They agree to have another wrestling match but then Pat spots Mo plotting with Mickey to throw the match so they can keep all the gambling money. Pat makes a series of super obvious "thoughtful" faces that make her intentions clear to people watching from space. Her and Mo both try to lose the fight and Pat actually does lose and takes some of the money for herself. Mo makes "grrr, foiled" faces.

Kyert lurks around her dingy flat and keeps looking longingly at the bottle of scotch that she keeps out on the top of the sideboard like a common person. No, Kyert! Alcohol is bad! Didn't you learn anything from your annoying dad!?! Ian calls round and Kyert says "fuck off about the drains!" but it turns out that Ian has come round to check that she is OK. He goes in and tries to make her think happy thoughts about her dad. Eventually Kyert recalls one time when she was little and he gave her a lift in his cop car and made her feel like a "princess in a golden carraige like, why aye". Hmm, maybe that counts as being like a princess in Newcastle... when Ian leaves, Kyert says "you're not a dick after all". Ian looks all "Woo, hoo, I'm in there!"

Sham (still with woeful 1970's "shag" style do) and Byrite stop round the Vic. Byrite gives Fool a model of his car for his birthday and then challenges him to an armwrestling match to prove how manly he is in front of Sham - what, is he 14 all of a sudden? Sham and Slutty stand at their men's shoulders like the lady on the front of the Mastermind box while Andy wins. Afterwards Fool basically says "Yes well, I married Slutty so you lose."

Fool interviews the Eastbourne Gigolo and it turns out that he fell for Ethel 2.0 whilst wrestling with a coach window and that it was love at first sight (The EE crew try to show off by doing fancy cutting between E-G talking to Fool and Ethel telling her side of the story to Slutty. The fancy cutting is impressing no-one.) Fool shouts at him for taking advantage of his gran and points out that she has no money or life savings or anything. E-G is shocked and appalled. It turns out that Ethel is a bit of a cradle snatcher as she is 83 and E-G is only 75. Fool is about to chuck him out but Backstreet surprises Fool (and the viewers) by showing some spine and standing up for him. Fool, you know you are in trouble when Backstreet is the voice of reason. Ethel says "Oooo, alfie!" about three hundred times and goes on about how she has been gagging for it since her husband died in the blitz and that Wilfred is the one. Ethel and Wilfred kiss (but not with tongues or anything). Fool pretends to understand but then goes outside and loudly shouts that it is just a foolish fancy and he wants no part out of it. Ethel appears in a puff of smoke and says "No! This time I know it's for real!" Fool: sad.

SHOCK THE MONKEY
Vickney is the monkey on Ash's back. She wins again on the horses and tries to persuade Ash to go to a casino with her. Ash joneses almost immediately and says yes.

Meanwhile Kareena cleans up Scalliq's squalid bedsit and seems surprised that a single man could live in such squalor (Mr P looked at her scraping a dirty plate and said that it wasn't that bad because she could actually shift the baked beans and they weren't green). She feels all guilty about Scalliq and whines at Ash a little, then calls him the bestest big brother in the world, ever, who would never let her down by going out on a high-rolling bender with an implausibly accented mall rat like Vickney. Ash looks "thoughtful" and cancels his date with Vickney and the roulette wheel. V...sad...yadda.

Ian and Kyert banter about drains, but Kyert's still worrying about her dad and trying desperately not to be co-dependent. Ian tells Pat to clean the windows. Pat, forgetting that she was sacked only a few days ago, mutters about job descriptions to anybody that will listen. Kyert gets the news that her dad killed himself and shouts at Ian.

Slutty's birthday preparations for Fool are thwarted by Fool, who throws a weird stroppy hissy fit about being 40. Slutty reads him an article from She magazine, and he feels better. There's some non-comedy nonsense about Fool's birthday cake (a big 40 made by Ian) and Pat's window cleaning efforts...

St Nancy Banks-Smith notes how Fool's Xmas wooing story about a lovely old couple on Southend pier comes around to bite him after he admits to Slutty that he made them up. Ethel 2.0 returns from Eastbourne with Tink from Lovejoy in tow. And they're going to get married! Oh for fuck's sake. Can't we go five minutes without a bloody wedding?

NOT WITHOUT MY KIDNEY: PT MCMXXIV
How long, oh lord, how long? OK, the latest in the Ferreira kidney plot saga. Ash and Kareena decide to adopt Scalliq and move him into Dadvis's bedroom while he convalesces - Party of Five, anyone? Except that Adull finds out and goes off to tell Scalliq that "Dadvis wouldn't stand for it and neither will I". Scalliq is all "What do you care? All Dadvis does is kick the shit out of you and treat you like his bitch. And you let him". Thank you Scalliq. Adull is sad and runs home to ask Ash if he really is Dadvis's bitch. Ash looks at the floor and says: "well...ummm..." Adull breaks down in tears and admits that yes, he is Dadvis's bitch and the reason why Dadvis hates him is because he found out about Scalliq. So Dadvis hurting him is all Scalliq's fault. Hmm...I can see why they call Ash the brainy one.

So, onto Ash's slightly more interesting gambling problem. Vickney ups the ante, waving fivers under his nose and asking him his opinion on the 3.30 at Wincanton. Ash has Gambler Tourette's Syndrome again, shows her how to read racing form, then runs off to scrub himself clean with sharpened birch twigs under a boiling hot shower. Vickney makes him watch the race with her, and his tip loses. Ash uses the occasion to teach Vickney about the Evils of Gambling. I don't think it works, but losing on the horses makes Vickney horny. Ash runs away. I did say it was only slightly more interesting.

Fool's birthday preparations continue with a comedy balloon delivery. MY Gus, Mickney and Julio all play with the helium gas, but nobody notices when Mickney speaks. Fool sees Ethel 2.0 off on the bus to Eastbourne/Gomorrah, and there's some non-comedy nonsense involving old ladies and mobile phones.

Kyert's Victorian Dad wants her to move back up to Byker Grove and look after him.

Backstreet develops some backbone after overhearing Teen and Kellay call him a mug. He plays Motörhead's Ace of Spades outside her room (always a good standby for pissing off the neighbours - another one is Planet of Sound by The Pixies); then he pours her designer shampoo down the toilet, uses all the hot water and nicks money out of her purse. Like a proper little brother. Slutty is happy that he and Teen are now screaming at each other instead of flirting. After all, there's enough creepy crypto incest going on around them as it is.

KIDNEY PLOT: NOW IN RECORD-BREAKING 196TH WEEK!

It is Ian's birthday and for some reason he is dressed as Dennis the Menace. Mr No-mates only gets one card (from Kaffy) and Simpleton stops by to mock him. Ian and Kyert bicker about drains or something. It looks like romance is in the air, as well as the stench of sewage! Simpleton goes to her lawyers and starts filling in forms to make Ian pay child support. The lawyer points out that Ian may then have access rights to Bobby and Simpleton goes through her entire range of demented faces and says "No! Never!" Ian and Simpleton exchange more unpleasantries and it ends up with him alone in the chippy and Simpleton sobbing and gibbering to Bobby in Pat's flat.

Kyert gets a rambling drunken phonecall from her Alco-Pop dad. Fool worries about Ethel 2.0, all alone on the mean streets of Eastbourne. Backstreet continues to be entranced by Teen's bootyliciousness so Fool and Slutty discuss whether Teen should move back home - maybe the laundry bills are mounting up or something. Fool is trying to hide the fact that it is his 40th coming up but Slutty already knows and is planning a big partay.

Mickey, Backstreet and Julio are planning another poker game and agree to have it at Vickney's as long as she can join in too. She goes round to see Ash and coquettishly asks him to give her gambling advice. At some point they mysteriously teleport over to Vickneys where he is "teaching her" and then the others all arrive. They start playing cards while Ash watches and tries to ignore the monkey on his back squeaking "play cards! play cards!" He gets flop sweats/starts jonesing real bad/retraces his twelve steps etc etc and generally acts tempted but leaves before he picks up a card. Vickney wins.

Kareena tries to get Adull to sign a thank you card for Scalliq but he is still being a hateful bitch. DJ Ross is just as bad and makes gurny faces and turns up his discman whenever anyone mentions Scalliq's name. Maybe "Ferriera" is Portugese for "ungrateful bastard" or something. Scalliq has got a tiny square plaster stuck to each end of his collarbone. What's that all about? Some coppers come round with pictures of ruffians to ID so DJ Ross finally has to speak to Scalliq and beg him not to speak to the fuzz, in case they get involved in more violence or something. Scalliq says "wow, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for giving you my kidney, not." Oh goody, another long boring conversation. To summarise: Ross: "I don't care that you gave you gave me a kidney, I still hate you." Scalliq: "I love you anyway." Ross" Oh, actually I do like you after all." Later on, fucking fuckface Adull shows up and starts gibbering on, Peter Lorre stylee, about how Ash and Kareena want them to be friends with Scalliq but he will always hate Scalliq and he wants to form a special "We hate Scalliq" club with himself as Hon Treasurer and DJ Ross as the President. DJ Ross says "I am required by the script to like Scalliq in this episode." Adull makes tortured faces as his pitiful, bitter little world falls apart at the news.