PAT-URDAY NIGHT FEVER

The Teen/Shazza/Denman storyline has entered "Eastenders Plot Phase 2"
where, after something cool happens it becomes boring and repetitive
for a while so they can drag it out as long as possible. Denman
pretends to be asleep to avoid Teen's constant harping (Denman, if you
weren't so shifty and evasive about Shazza then Teen might do us all a
favour and SHUT UP) and then goes to stocktake with Shazza at the
club. She aims industrial strength smouldering pouts in his direction
until he tells her to leave off and go away. After she has gone, he
does a "Grrr Smash" routine on a harmless table. O-Den pops up to
remind us that he has the Secret Treasure Map that Leads to Byrite's
Downfall. Teen confronts Shazza at the nail bar and says "what do you
think you've got that I haven't?" Shazza: "normal sized hands?" - only
joking. She says that she has got Denman's Heart (but not literally,
because that would be gross). Teen tarts herself up and goes to the
club so she can make sure that Denman and Shazza don't start doing it
right on the bar. After closing time, Teen orders Denman to tell
Shazza properly that he is Teen's boyfriend 4EVA. Denman says "don't
order me around" and walks out. Doh.

Scalliq is still going on about football and is all exercising and
stuff. DJ Ross is still being sulky and annoying. DJ Ross gets a
letter saying he will receive £22k compensation for his kidney trauma.
How much do I get? I think I suffered through that damn storyline just
as much as he did. DJ Ross spitefully says that he isn't going to give
Scalliq any money, even though he has his kidney. Scalliq asks him why
he has turned into such a bitch. Later on Ross shows up and gives
Scalliq some new football boots that are so gay and shiny looking that
not even Cristiano Ronaldo would wear them. He apologises and they
skip around happily â?? now they can afford to go to Hawaii and get
married!

Panto Jane brave-little-troopers around the caff â?? you can tell she is
feeling tragic because she isn't wearing any make-up. Ian makes her
come round to his so he can give her a proper meal and she falls
asleep on his couch. Ian touches her hand and watches her sleeping,
the big perv.

Kyert has a nice chat with Shazza while she repairs the damage that
Shazza did to her nails when she was scratching Teen's eyes out. After
Shazza has gone that bald mean Geordie copper appears and says he is
round for a sociable chat. OMG, someone has actually remembered that
Kyert has a past! Kyert gets a bottle of wine and they talk - she
admits that she is bored of being a manicurist. DS Baldy glares
significantly across the road at the Betting Shop. Jeesus, the Met
must be desperate if they are thinking of recruiting the worst
undercover kop ever in their quest to bring down Byrite.

Mo is still v grumpy that Pat is going to the cabbie shindig instead
of her. She strops around barking at people until JoJo tells her to
use WILES and pretend to be nice instead. Mo goes round to Pat and
critiques the blue dress she is thinking of wearing and says that
she-cabbies (or whatever) always dress brightly. Also she says that
Rainman is a bit shy and will only dance if you make him, but then he
enjoys it. Pat is a bit bemused. Mo then goes to see Rainman and
recalls her friendship with Pat (OMG, someone has actually remembered
that Mo has a past too - all this continuity type stuff is crazy, but
it might just catch on!). She says that whenever Pat wears bright
colours, it means she is on an ultravixen shag rampage. She says that
Pat enjoys vigorous swing style dancing (Rainman: I just like moving
around a bit on the spot. No shit.) and tells a stupid story about how
once Pat danced so vigorously with a man that his glass eye fell out.
Rainman is a bit worried (esp when Pat shows up in a bright red
glittery tent style garment) and Mo and JoJo giggle evilly. When they
get home it truns out that all Mo's evil plots backfired. Rainman told
Pat everything and they had a good laugh about it. Grrr, foiled! Etc.