BRIDE OF BAZENSTEIN
Bazza comes back to the car lot and finds it all shut up, with a slightly different note on the door to the one that Juhneen left earlier. Pat pauses on her way back to the plot cupboard to remind Baz that Juhneen is a money-grabbing ho with a heart of flint. Baz scowls.

Juhneen, meanwhile is still trapped in Bad Brutha’s bedroom. They hear TriniDad and Yolande change the record from Israelite to what sounds like the Aswad Pension Plan LP and bedsprings begin to creak. Bad Brutha goes all “eeewwwwww! Parent Sex!” and Juhneen laughs. Baz calls for a chat about Juhneen with Bad Brutha, hears the bedsprings, goes “ewwwww! Parent Sex!” and runs away again. Juhneen is worried. Has Baz found out that she's a money-grabbing ho?

Den has an attack of conscience re: Squeaky (why, Den, why?) and kicks her door down just as she’s counting out the Haliborange overdose. Much tedium and overacting from Squeaky, who doesn’t seem to realise that a snivelling bundle of snot is not exactly attractive to most men. Even Denman. Or O-Den. O-Den persuades her not to top herself just yet because MiniFill will need her one day – even if she is a squeaky co-dependent nutjob like Ange was. Yawn. Next.

More tedium re: the Ferreiras vs Eevil Gavin. Eeevil Gavin stomps about throwing hissy fits about rats and upping his Eevil count by making more crude racist comments (Brooksidisation element no.2: totally obvious 80s-style racists – it’s like Farrukh Dhondy never went away). Eventually he caves in and agrees to leave if the Ferreiras stop harassing him. The Ferreiras rejoice and Ash buys Shirley a dear little ginger kitten that she calls “Mr Rochester” – given its gingerness, Soames Forsyte would be more appropriate. Dadvis is still under the impression that Shirley will shag him out of gratitude.

Even more shouty acting from DJ Ross as Scalliq tries to tell him that everything Scalliq does, he does it for DJ Ross, and not to give up on him baby etc etc. DJ Ross shouts some more and drives the family van around the square a few times to show how cross he is.

But what’s this? Is that Eevil Gavin breaking into the van with a tin of red paint in his hand?

It’s the anniversary of Eeevil Trevor’s fiery demise and Billy is concerned about Drippy. Drippy twitches a bit, and nags Billy about the state of Kyert’s Nail Bar. Billy tries putting up a shelf, and in the end has to call on the services of Byrite Andy: Ninja Kittens and Carpentry Services. Byrite agrees to help Billy because he’s “family” (not yet, mate). I don’t know what he’s going to do, maybe the Brand New Heavies are the Four Handymen of the Apocalypse during the day or something.

Slutty has Bridezilla fit no. 2 about the wedding, and demands that Byrite holds the reception in the Vic rather than the Ritz. Ian gets the catering. Salmonella-tastic, mate!

Juhneen eventually drags herself away from Bad Brutha’s chest and goes home to find that Bazza has arranged millions of candles all over the living room like it’s Salem’s Lot. Maybe he’s going to strip off and sacrifice her to the Dark Lord with James Mason going “Put away the cross and face the Baz-sta!”

Oh bo-oring! He gets a ring out and asks Juhneen to marry him instead.

SQUEAKY'S DOWNWARD SPIRAL
Lots of non comedy nonsense with the Ferriera Kidz trying to get hold of a live rat to put in Gavin's flat. Dadvis horns in on the anti-Gavin campaign when Shirley is nice to him about it and he thinks he might get a shag out of it. In the end, MY Gus catches a rat and Scalliq breaks into Gavin's flat to plant it using previously unknown ninja-skillz. Meanwhile, DJ Ross discovers that Scalliq is a pusher after Denman sacks him from the DJ job at the club. Gavin starts gloating that he has won because the Ferrieras have stopped their Extreme Noise Terror campaign and earns extra Evil Points by being a bit racist. Shirley and the Ferrieras all stand around in her flat and laugh merrily when they hear Gavin screaming and spazzing out about the rat but then DJ Ross arrives, all ready to have a homo-erotic manly confrontation with Scalliq.

Sham asks Ian for more catering work but when he suggests she work in the chippie she just walks away as though he is invisible. O-Den grounds Vickney after the drug thing with Scalliq. Backstreet has non comedy carrying on about trying to sell pumpkins and halloween masks.

Juhneen sends Bazza off to some fictional car auction so she can spend the afternoon horizontal with Bad Brutha. She goes on a bit about how she feels sorry for Barry now that he loves her and all. Trini-dad and yolande come home early and trap Juhneen in the bedroom. Jay-sus, this plot has been running longer than The Mousetrap.

Squeaky gets a post card from Lou and instantly has to run off to buy a bottle of Thunderbird. She starts hitting the bottle as soon as she gets to the club and O-Den sacks her sorry ass. She pleads with him to keep her job and also to vanquish fill and strangely starts channeling Mark E Smith ("You promised-uh!") but for O-den, drunken whiny women = Angie, so he throws her out. Squeaky spends the rest of the episode staggering around, gibbering, flinching at kiddies in halloween masks, glaring at babies in a snatcher-y fashion and rolling round in the gutter. Squeaky, you're so wacky! In the end she goes home, vaguely waves Lou's fairy wings around and then finds a bottle of pills in a drawer and looks thoughtful. Do it! Do it!

KELLAY’S HEROES
Vickney (is that tortoiseshell cat hair for real?) decides to find out the identity of the Evil Drug Fiend for herself. Well, since this is the EEverse and nobody under 25 apart from Scalliq or MMartin so much as touches anything harder than Nurofen, there are two possible options, and one of them is in Scotland right now.

O-Den and Denman watch the CCTV video and decide that the EDF is MY Gus because…well…he walked in with Kellay, so it stands to reason, doesn’t it? O-Den questions MY Gus, who does very well not to thump him, but retains his saintly demeanour and probably goes home to write a poem about it. Vickney pumps Kellay for information, but Kellay’s not talking – after all there might be a deaf hamster somewhere in the Square who doesn’t know about her Secret Prostitution Shame. Never mind, Vickney works it out for herself (see above) and honey traps Scalliq at Weird Family Central. Scalliq is just about to offer her a cut of his Evil Esandwhizz trade when O-Den enters in Full Avenging Angel mode, takes the droocks, and throws Scalliq onto a skip. Kellay is happy. Hurrah! But O-Den is angry at Vickney’s apparent attempt to market Ecstasy into the only drug-free nightclub in London. Oh come on Den, she probably can’t even spell it.

O-Den tells Squeaky to stop drinking. Squeaky gets drunk, thinks that O-Den and Denman fancy her, fails to get a call from MiniFill/Kyert, gets drunker. Denman takes her home and Squeaky starts rubbing herself up against him. Denman scarpers. Squeaky is sad.

It’s Juhneen’s birthday, and Baz has gone overboard as usual. There’s a huge pile of presents that even an only child would think was a bit much (including a set of embroidered pink towels…nice), and a “Happy Birthday Juhneen” banner hung outside the house. Needless to say Juhneen cowers inside, too ashamed to come out. Even Rickay appears with a home-made card and tells her that she might be a money-grabbing ho, but she’s still his sister after all. Bad Brutha gives Juhneen a nice necklace that she pretends comes from Diane – who’s still doing panto in Bognor, I think. Over dinner, Bazza declares his love for Juhneen and demands that she say it back (ummm…Baz…you don’t learn, do you?). Juhneen looks conflicted, but manages to spit out the words without Bad Brutha’s necklace suddenly closing upon her deceitful little throat.

Evil Gavin reveals a Winston-Smith-ish fear of rats. Ash looks “thoughtful”. He also needs to wash his hair sometime.

Poline’s “Get Gay Pike to jump back over the fence” campaign continues as she declares her secret intention to find his long-lost children. Oh no. I think this is the Archers-style public information bit because Vickney suddenly proves to be a mine of useful information on the subject. Dot doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

Slutty is having a Bridezilla fit, and all the Slaters rally round to offer previously unheard-of skills in buttonhole-making and bridesmaid dress-sewing etc. Byrite Andy wants her to give up working in the Vic, because gangsters’ molls don’t do that sort of work – they become drunken nightclub singers or rattle around their Chigwell mansions, eyeing up the pool boy.

Slutty, however, doesn’t want to leave Fool on his own with Backstreet and Ethel 2.0. I predict that Fool will be biffed to death by specially trained ninja kittens in the near future.

KELLAY OF THE DOLLS
Kellay and Teen come back from hospital after Kellay's little spell of "exhaustion and dehydration". Teen says she is going to look after Kellay and has realised "what is important" i.e. that being a raging bitch-on-wheels to her best friend is totally not cool. Teen and O-Den both want Kellay to tell them who was that candy coloured clown who sold Kellay her ticket to tripsville. Kellay won't say. DJ Ross brings some flowers for Kellay but gets the brush off. Kellay and Teen have a tearful discussion about how Teen shouldn't have dissed her best friend and that Kellay would never lie to Teen (Kellay also says about 8 times that she thinks Teen is beautiful. The sapphic storyline officially starts NOW). Teen decides that she believes Kellay and goes to Shirley's (where they have brought in the Blazing Squad to torment Gavin with their freestyle human beatbox stylings) and dumps DJ Ross. DJ Ross makes a total dick of himself, both with his Sudden Shouty Acting and by saying that he only said he loved Teen to get her in the sack but that now he really loves her. Smooth. Teen stomps off and cries badly on Losers Bench. Scalliq goes round to Kellay's and says that he'll out her as a ho if she grasses up his drug dealing. Didn't he already do that? I think Scalliq is really funny and cool, even though he is a weasel. Anyway, Teen catches him in mid threat and guesses that he is the Candyman. Kellay begs her not to call the cops. They decide to look out for each other in future and clasp hands in a crypto-lesbionic fashion.

Poline simpers around Gay Pike and does more of her disturbing kittenish smiles. They spend an evening in together and Poline puts the moves on the Pikester. He is all "dude, totally gay here!" and Poline says "How come you were married then, bitch?" Gay Pike gets all tearful (and strangely sounds like Harry Hill) and admits that he was forced to marry by the Forces of Homophobia but then his wife caught him enjoying some man2man action and chucked him out. Poline says "It could have been worse, you could have had kids. " Ruh roh. Pike has a daughter and a son but is now all estranged and shit. Poline offers to find them for him but Pike asks her not to. Poline makes a sour face. No-one tells her what not to do!

Moomin is back from India with a fancy new haircut. It is kind of Cleopatra coming at ya but with frosty streaks in it. She says that Robbie and Nita are all happy etc. Also she has an interview for a proper nursing college coming up. Yay!

Vuh Vuh Vickney is a cockernee sparrow this week. she moans at O-den for keeping her in the dark about all the boring plot happenings and says that O-Den can't go out with Sham as "Watts and Mitchells don't mix, they're like two unmixy things!". O-Den sees Squeaky come into the caff looking like she has been ridden hard and put away wet. He gives her some cash for a makeover and tells her to keep her shit together or else Sam will spot that she is a pathetic flake and grass her up to Fill. Throughout the episode Sham and O-Den act all flirty and have deep insights about each other etc. Some coppers come round to investigate Kellay's Drug Shame and O-Den totally calls them "cunt-stables" - you can't say that on telly at 8 pm! I was shocked and appalled! That evening Squeaky reverts to pathetic drunk mode so O-den sends her home. Then he tells Sham that she is so obsessed with Squeaky that she is ignoring blatant drug dealing and sacks her. Harsh. He wheels out the "Mitchells + Watts = unmixy things" line. Sham calls him "paffetic" and stomps off. For some reason I quite like Sham nowadays. O-Den glares a bit.

EEEZER BAD…MMKAY
Den wakes up on Squeaky’s sofa. One sip of Squeaky’s coffee and he’s out of there before she gets out the samurai sword and starts on about vengeance again. Sham and O-Den see him scuttle across the square and call him a dirty stopout.

It’s Diwali chez Ferreira. Dadvis seems to have forgotten that he’s a Catholic and demands that the Ferreira Kidz spend Diwali with him and not messing with Evil Gavin’s mind. But messing with Evil Gavin’s mind seems to be the Ferreira Kidz’ latest bloodsport. They’ve set the stereo to blast for ten minutes every hour, and Ash goes around the square, blu-tacking up posters with a picture of Gavin and some lame-o “sad bastard seeks understanding woman” text underneath. You really are taking this all a bit too seriously, mate.

Gavin rips the posters down and grinds his teeth evilly. At lunchtime he finds the Kidz in the pub and declares war on them, their dad, their pets and Shirley. Ash is all “Ooooh I’m scared. NOT”. Adull has a cunning plan to get them out of spending the evening with their father. Ash and Shirley simper about literature. Bleargh.

At Teen Palace, Kellay is on the sofa, surrounded by crumpled tissues, and Teen still isn’t talking to her. She takes the day off and mopes around, asking anybody under 25 if they’ll be her friend. Only MY Gus obliges – yay for MY Gus! Teen, meanwhile, is “having doubts” after a few conversations of the “men, what cheating scum they are eh?” variety with random female characters, and asks DJ Ross over to the flat to talk. DJ Ross runs into Kellay and it’s all “You’re a lyin’ cheatin’ scumbag” “No I’m not” “Yes you are” “Not!” “Are!” until Kellay hits DJ Ross just as Teen walks in. Somehow, Teen sees this as Kellay ripping DJ Ross’s clothes off – well, she is a Slater and therefore not that bright - and tells Kellay that she wants her out of the flat and out of Walford. Umm…since when did she turn into Queen of Everything and how’s she going to pay the rent without Kellay?

Kellay mopes on Loser’s Bench. Gus swoops in from his cloud and offers her his and Rickay’s sofa until she sorts herself out.

Byrite Andy decides that it’s time to bond with Fool. Bond him with a pair of lead boots and an anchor off Blackfriars Bridge more like. Fool avoids him until the evening, when he turns up with a bottle of whisky and a load of football-related chat, because that’s what men talk about, isn’t it. Fool asks him what he wants, and I think Byrite warns him to keep his nose out, but he was so busy with the fluffy kittens and the chocolates that I couldn’t work out if he was threatening Fool or asking him to stage a one-man reinvasion of the Falklands in memory of Ricky Vila.

Adull’s cunning plan is: “let’s get everybody out of the pub and celebrating Diwali by letting fireworks off in the street outside Gavin’s house”. Oh. OK, says everyone, and off they go. Gavin opens the door in his underpants and everybody laughs. Then Dadvis stages a rival party chez Ferreira and everybody except the Kidz goes: “oooh…more fireworks” and runs off to Dadvis’s.

Baz decides that the healthy life is for him because a healthy Baz can love his woman all night long. Start feigning morning sickness, Juhneen! Bad Brutha drives Baz out to Charlton, and tells him to run back. Juhneen goes to the shops, and Baz spends all day getting sweaty on the streets of London before coming back to service Juhneen some more. I’m bored already.

O-Den’s Clampdown on Drugs seems to involve him telling Denman off for talking to Squeaky about the Kill Fill nonsense, and snogging Sham in the corridor while Squeaky dozes drunkenly in the office. Effective, then.

Kellay and MY Gus go to the club to try and patch things up with Teen. But then Kellay starts sweating rhythmically and doing strange bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox movements that TV People On Drugs do. Teen shouts at her and Kellay faints.

SHIRLEY'S BEATS ARE JAM HOT
Drippy chats to Fool about Ethel 2.0's off-camera mentalism (later on Fool talks to Doktor Boden-Shirt (who is wearing a suit this time) and agrees to pay top moolah so that Ethel can jump the queue and get a private brain scan) and also about Fool's Secret Love for Slutty. (btw, now that Drippy is the Sensible One, what purpose does Sullen serve?) Fool mentions that Byrite Andy is a crim and Drippy says that Slutty must be told. Um, how can you marry someone when you don't even know what they do for a living? Fool plants seeds of doubt in Slutty's fragile, tiny mind and when Andy next shows up (wearing a styling beige Austin Reed style ensemble) she asks him about his job. He admits that he is not 100% legal but Slutty doesn't mind anyway.

Juhneen moans to Bad Brutha about having to submit to Baz's base desires all the time. Hey Juhneen, Jon Bon Jovi called from 1985 and he wants his hair back. bad Brutha suggests that they find a non-sexy way to tire Baz out so Bad Brutha makes Baz feel insecure about his super-lardiness and takes him exercising. Cue lots of scenes of Baz bellowing and pulling mad faces while he aerobicizes and feels the burn etc. Unfortunately it just makes him hornier than ever, only now he is both horny and really, really sweaty.

The Kellay/Teen plot unravels with crushing predictability. Kellay has crises of conscience and confides in MY Gus (Gus 4 Kellay!) who is carrying Moomin's mantle of saintliness and says that Kellay should be honest, mm'kay. In the end Kellay tells Teen that DJ Ross "stuck his tongue darn some slapper's froat" and Teen says "you're just jealous because I've got a boyfriend and you haven't" and stomps out. Kellay: sad. Me: bored.

Shirley and the Ferriera Kidz carry on their psychological warfare against Evil Gavin. They carry on playing loud dance music but when the Environmental Health come round they quickly hide the sound system behind some camouflage like in that Captain Birdseye advert and pretend to be having a reading group discussing Jane Eyre. Gavin tries to foil their plan by asking Shirley a question about the book. She says something really vague that could apply to any classic work of literature and so the council Blokes look at Gavin like he is mental and leave. Ash gets a boner that Shirley can form trite opinions about O level set texts and offers to "lend her a Jean Rhys book". Is that what the young people are calling it nowadays? Later on they turn up the loud music again and Gavin makes comical scowly faces.

Shazza moans at O-Den for getting it on with Sham. I wonder if O-Den uses that spray-on hair out of a can? Squeaky spends the whole episode drinking licquor and making a show of herself. Her tidy assassin hair has now reverted back to frazzly co-dependent hair and she gibbers and squeaks alot. She also moans at O-Den for being more interested in boning Sham than in vanquishing Fill and later goes up to strange men in the club and says that they can know her biblically if they will agree to kill Fill for her. I think that someone has a rather high opinion as to how sexy they are, eh Squeaky? O-Den sends her home and Denman puts her in a cab. They get back to Squeaky's bedsit and Squeaky puts the moves on Denman, rubbing against him lewdly and breathing industrial strength gin fumes in his face. Nice. She drunkenly mutters something about O-Den agreeing to kill Fill and Denman says "you what?" and instantly goes into psycho-staring, super intense mode.

SHAZZA'S BIRTHDAY BLUES
It's Symbolism gone Crazy for Shazza's 34th birthday (hmmm...34? Really?). O-Den sends her 15 birthday cards - one for every year of her life that he missed, and a silver charm bracelet with 15 charms. I'm sure there's a Grimm fairy story in here somewhere. Maybe if she drops the 15 charms into the canal, Denman will take his shirt of again or something. O-Den is also planning a huge party at the club, but has to keep it open for general punters because as we all know, the contents of Shazza's entire address book would probably only fill two cubicles in the ladies.

Eevil Gavin, it turns out, played Now that's what I call Loud Dadrock Vols 2, 3 and 4 until four in the morning, keeping poor drippy Shirley up all night. Ash the Stud puts on his determined face, and rounds up the little Ferreiras (plus Scalliq, who appears to be joined to DJ Ross's hip. Again) to exact an Awful Revenge. This Revenge seems to involve installing DJ Ross's sound system in Shirley's flat and playing very loud house music until Gavin's ears bleed. Gavin comes down to complain, and DJ Ross turns it up to 11. Gavin's ears bleed and the little Ferreiras rejoice. Gavin goes "Grrr" and shakes his fist at Shirley's heavily vibrating door

The Ferreiras are decorating the pub for Diwali. No I don't understand why either.

Juhneen's latest scheme is to get a company credit card off Bazza. After much whining and bitching about having to add things up (excuse me? Ever heard of Excel?), Juhneen is still getting nowhere. She resorts to the baby oil and shagpile shag gambit (eww) and Bazza just about manages to sign the credit card application form before ripping off his grey Y-fronts and shouting: "Behold the Bazmeister's Truncheon of Love, you greedy little sex minx!"

Gay Pike/Poline. Look, Poline, he's gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay, and not even dressing up in your old Ms Brahms frilly shirt and kinky boots will make him jump the fence. Give up now. She mopes in the pub, and Fool has to drag up another of his utterly pointless fables to cheer her up. Later, Gay Pike says they must spend some more time together and Poline is happy again.

Fool and Slutty joke about weddings, but Fool won't tell Slutty the name of the woman he really loves and pulls his best kicked labrador face so far. Then Byrite waltzes in. He's managed to "persuade" the vicar to find an opening on November 13th. Lovely. Is that a Friday?

NB: I agree about Slutty's hair. It looks odd.

Not to be outdone by his father, Denman buys a little off-the-shoulder black chiffon shift-type thing off Teen and Kellay's Fashion Palace. Shazza is touched (instead of saying: "You got me a fifty quid dress off a market stall?!? You cheap little bastard!"), but then sees Denman looking at her in that crypto-incest way and looks "troubled" instead. She still wears the dress though, and it is only mildly hellacious. Denman spends the rest of the evening leering at Shazza, while O-Den leers at Sham and tries to shut out Squeaky's constant "Let's kill Fill now. Let's do it now. I want to vanquish Fill now". Squeaky drinks two glasses of cheap Chardonnay and does her drunk acting for us. Whoopee.

Denman moans to Shazza about O-Den bossing him around. Shazza tells him to grow up and Denman stomps out, shouting: "and he didn't choose that bracelet, Vickney did! And I wish I'd never been born and I hate you all"

O-Den disappears halfway through the party, and Shazza finds him licking Sham's face in the office. Even Vickney is perturbed by this. Meanwhile another blonde hurls herself at DJ Ross (Teen is unwell), but this time Kellay sees him. Oh no, Kellay!

Slutty and Byrite turn up for the party and see Fool in the queue. Byrite swishes past Fool and jumps the queue. Fool tries to do the same, but Denman informs him that his face doesn't fit, and anyway, Byrite is the new Mad Frankie Knuckles in town. Fool is shocked. Shocked!

ASH: STUD
Harlot Dot is caught buying new sheets for the double bed - scandal! Jim wants them to go to bed at 3pm but Dot keeps putting him off and watches a TV program which, of course, is all about animals mating etc. Jim makes comedy "I'm going to get a bit of how's your father" faces and Dot makes comedy "sex is dirty and wrong" faces. Jim suggests that they return the double bed and go back to single beds and Dot instantly falls for his cheap reverse psychology. They end up in bed together holding hands. Let us hope that that is an end to the matter because I certainly don't want to have half an episode devoted to the first time Jim slips it in.

Everyone admires Slutty's engagement ring. Slutty's hair is different and makes her look a bit wierd. Slutty asks Fool if they are still best mates. He says yes whilst making a sad heartbroken face. Again. Byrite Andy spends the whole episode rambling on about his dead mum. Oh, this isn't a good sign. I bet he's still got her mummified body stored in the spare bedroom at Chigwell. Slutty and Drippy chat and Drippy asks if it is all too quick and whether she really lurves Andy. Slutty says that they probably won't get married for a year or so anyway. Andy comes up and says "lets get married in november on the anniversary of my mum's death" (creee-peeee). Maybe he has the number of Fill and Kyert's impossibly quick wedding planner. Slutty folds like a cheap suit and agrees. Sigh.

Poline tries to get Pike to talk about his Secret Marriage Shame but he doesn't.

Sham is back off her holiday. She asks Shazza if she still has a job and Shazza says "yes of course". At the club, O-Den totally checks out Sham's rack and they flirt annoyingly. Squeaky comes to work and her and Sham have a little spat about how the other one shouldn't be working there. O-Den is throwing his weight around and makes them rearrange the bar and look at their margins etc. Squeaky keeps folding her arms and making spiteful faces and saying "Are we going to vanquish Fill to day? Are we? Are we?" O-Den says she has to be patient and goes and puts more moves on Sham. Later on they throw out a drug dealer and decide that the club is a den of hop-heads and speed-freaks basically because they see someone else dancing like a mentalist. They decide that drugs are bad, mmmkay, and it must be stopped.

It turns out Shirley spent the night on the Ferriera's couch after Ash took her to the hospital. Dadvis is a prick and throws her out though. Evil gavin proves that he is evil by littering and then being mean to Gus when Gus tells him off. He says he sees a rat and that he will report Gus to the market inspector. Dude, he's a street cleaner not the pied piper of Hamelin. Ash tries to have a civilised word with Gavin about the noise but later when him and shirley are having some chips in S's flat, Gavin puts on
"Now That's What I Call AntiSocial Unneighbourly Rock Music, Vol 4" again. Ash is going to go and have another word when Gavin barges in and starts basically going "ha ha, you fancy her!" Ash grabs Gavin's lapels in a manly stylee and Gavin goes "I'll have you for assault!" Ash lets him go and makes melodramatic "foiled!" faces.

HANG THE DJ
I have to say that I actually dozed off in the middle of this EE. Possibly the dullest ep ever, but then I say that, and the scriptwriters manage to smash the previous record for unendurable tedium a few short weeks later.

So, Fool/Slutty/Byrite relationship triangle thingy. Ethel 2.0 has a nanosecond of sanity - long enough to tell Fool that he should declare his love for Slutty. Actually perhaps that's not such a good idea. What does he think Slutty has been doing in NYC with Byrite all this time? Visiting art galleries? Feeding ducks in Central Park? Charlie tries to let Fool down gently by saying that all Slutty wants is a quiet family do chez Slater - umm...OK. Later Drippy comes over to tell Fool that no, Slutty wants to have a big do in the Vic. So they asked her then.

Fool runs around trying to organise the catering and music and fails dismally. The words: "piss-up" and "brewery" spring into my semi-consciousness. Slutty turns up in something she seems to have purchased off a bloke in a carpark by the New Jersey Turnpike. Fool starts telling her that she's gorgeous etc etc but then Byrite rushes in and Slutty shows off her brand new Mafia Queen engagement ring.

O-Den's mate Lenny discovers where Fill's money comes from. He's a crook. No! Really? That'll give Kyert a shock then. Shazza quivers her lips and says she doesn't think that Lenny is appropriate company for O-Den. Like how old is he? 15? O-Den tells her to chill out...fnarr!

Poline and Gay Pike reminisce about the old days and Gay Pike's secret box over a posh lunch with wine and everything . Without the frisson of spying on MMartin to keep him on his toes, Gay Pike dozes off and Poline discovers his 70s wedding photos. She is shocked. Shocked!

More wrinkly sex alert. Jim thinks that Dot is going to make him sleep on the sofa when he finds her fussing around in the bedroom but no, Dot is merely buying a double bed so that they can cuddle up together on the cold winter nights. No, that's what they want to do. I refuse to think of the alternative...

Shirley finds Eeevil Gavin at the dodgy CD stall and tells him that he's won: she's moving out and could he please keep his music down while people are looking at her flat. As soon as the latest couple walk in, however, Evil Gavin puts Frank Zappa on at 12 and they run off again. Shirley is very very sad, and smashes a vase which inadvertently slashes her wrists. Ash Ferreira appears from nowhere - one of his mystery non-jobs, perhaps - and binds her wounds. Maybe I fell asleep at this point and started dreaming because the only way this particular plot development would make sense would be if a tired hormonal pregnant woman dreamed it...

Let's finish with another love triangle. Scalliq wants DJ Ross to ditch Teen and join in his foursomes, and seizes his chance when DJ Ross gets all moany and bitchy about Teen preferring to welcome her mother home, to spending the night nursing a solitary vodka at some dodgy club, getting chatted up by stripey-shirted losers, and casting hacky looks at potential groupies. Scalliq tells Sullen that Teen would prefer to do the latter. Sullen puts on her evil face and goes to sort out Teen. DJ Ross is sad. Later at the club, O-Den makes him sadder by taking the piss out of his set ("Call that Balearic? Bollocks more like...do you have any Frankie Vaughan?"). Then the dark-haired girl from last week's party sticks her tongue down DJ Ross's throat and Scalliq looks victorious. So that's the potential lezzing up storyline well on the way then: because we all know that lesbians are just on the rebound from no-good men...who the fuck writes this stuff? the Loaded editorial team?

OH YOLANDE! I'M YOUR (TRINI)DADDY!
It's October: time for the annual build-up to the Xmas wedding/divorce/declaration of incestuous relationship/teen muppet car-crash horror.

Ethel 2.0 is extremely annoying. First she tells Drippy that she hasn't eaten for 24 hours - my cats try that one on all the time - and then we discover that she's been hiding all Alfie's post in her sewing basket. I've never seen this woman lift a needle in her life, where did the sewing basket come from? Alfie discovers a postcard from Slutty among the unpaid bills and bailiffs' notes. Slutty has signed "Love and Kisses, Slutty xxxxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo S.W.A.L.K " - this, in Moon World is tantamount to a marriage proposal and so Fool decides that he will ask Slutty to marry him as soon as she comes back from her Sopranos-style romp in NYC with Byrite Andy. No wonder people think West Ham fans are stupid.

Yolande is leaving. Jim and Bad Brutha are suddenly unwilling Cupids and do lots of shouting and gesticulating and bribing of workmen to get her to stay. In the end Patrick sees the error of his ways after asking a man-faced woman out and then throwing himself in front of Yolande's departing taxi. Yolande relents and agrees to stay. Hurrah!

Being the only person in the Watts family with more than two braincells to rub together, O-Den decides that Shazza's flat really is too small for four adults, and says he's going to buy a house where they can all live together, like the Slaters. Denman asks where the money is coming from, but obviously nobody did find that treasure on Fort Boyard because O-Den just looks smug and taps his nose. He looks speculatively at Fill's old flat (I thought Shazza was living there?) and practises freaking Fool out, just for laughs.

I think they should move into a secret underground lair, with the entrance by Neat Potato Man's shed guarded by killer penguins.

Meanwhile Drippy tells Fool that Slutty really ought to know that Ethel 2.0 is crackers, just in case she hasn't worked it out for herself (well, she still hasn't twigged that her boyfriend is a gangster, even though he tried to blackmail her brother-in-law and lives in Chigwell, so she might not have done).

Poline tries calling MMartin, but without her to pay for his mobile, he's forgotten to charge it or something. She goes through his things and finds an old box of Gay Pike's that he never told her about. Haven't we been down this "old box in the Fowlers' attic" route before with Dot? They'll be finding the Ark of the Covenant in Lou's old knicker drawer next.

Shirley puts her flat on the market, but the first viewers are driven away by Evil Gavin's dodgy musical taste and reputation for Evil.

NOTS YOLANDE-ING

Martin and Poline argue about Martin's midnight raid on the cash box. Martin: "I'm allowed to take money! I earnt it!" Poline: "you're a liar and a thief" Martin "If you think that then I may as well move out". Poline "Move out then!" Martin "I will then!" Poline: "Fine!" Martin: "Fine!" They both spend the rest of the episode waiting for the other one to apologise. Gay Pike hangs around, snivelling and grovelling, as usual. Dot says that maybe Martin isn't going through a phase and maybe he is just bad to the bone. Martin ostentasiously puts his suitcase on the table and says he is moving to Edinburgh to stay with Asif. Poline is all set to forgive him when she discovers that the case is empty and that Martin is bluffing. She throws him out. Ha ha ha ha.

Fool finds out that Slutty is back from N Y C soon and is all happy etc.

Yolnade spends the whole episode telling Dot that she is a great match for Jim and Dot spends the whole episode worrying because she is frigid and can't love Jim like they do on the Discovery Channel. Yolande is packing to leave (oh, she's not really leaving...) but takes Dot out for a drink. Trinidad is at the bar, drinking heavily. Yolande gives him superb, sideways hacky glances while Trinidad looks really sheepish. He can't even say goodbye when she leaves the pub. Later on he sits in the messy bed and breakfast and poignantly fingers one of Yolande's fascist housecleaning rotas. Dot makes Jim dance with her. I suppose that's a start

Scalliq spends the whole episode handing out flyers, trying to get it on with the laydees and generally being a dickhead. Even Teen thinks that he has gay love for DJ Ross and makes a "Scalliq fancies DJ Ross" joke whilst Scalliq is trying to chat up laydees at Angies Den. She has to leave early so Scalliq tries to get DJ Ross into a 4-some so that his hand can accidentally slip and carress DJ Ross' naked arse half way through.

Littlest Hobo Denman has wound up staying with his Prison Bitch Tony, but it turns out that PBT's missis isn't too happy having Denman round so that he has to move on again. Denman tries to get PBTony to invest in some dodgy scheme but Tony says that it's all over between them and that Denman should just move on and forget about him (kind of). Back at Walford, all the Watts' fuss about where he's gone. Vickney says "Maybe he's annoyed that O-Den is running the club." and Shazza, who apparently has turned blind and stupid since last week, says "What makes you think that?". Umm, the fact that he's done a bunk, perhaps. Anyway they keep ringing him and Denman ignores them. He chats up some fiesty waitress at the greasy caff where he was chatting to Tony and they end up having a snog behind a skip. Nice. Waitress notices that he is ignoring his phone and tells him to come back when he has worked out why he still hasn't found what he's looking for, where the streets have no name etc etc. Denman is touched by her penetrating waitress wisdom and looks "thoughtful". Later on he is sitting in a park when Dot suddenly appears and says that O-Den loves him really but can't show it. It's a nice scene but how does Dot know all this? It would have been more believable if a pixie or a magic squirrel had told him instead. At the club DJ Ross is DJing (and he doesn't play Panjabi MC, thank fuck) and Shazza is harrassed by three drunken salarymen. O-Den tells them to leave off but it looks like there's going to be a fight! Oh no, how will the Watts prevail? Suddenly Denman appears and helps beat up the salarymen. Him and O-Den exchange macho monosyllables at the door and glare at each other semi-affectionately. Bless.

ANGIE'S GETS HER DEN BACK

O- Den is still in his Angel of Vengeance leather jacket when Shazza asks him to run the club for her because she wants it to be a "family business" - better order in more concrete wellies then. Meanwhile Squeaky is squeaking about giving all her money to Hitman and that was only after she shagged him to get a discount. All she has left is a wardrobe of black polonecks and slightly expensive suits, she wails. O-Den takes the gun back to Hitman - who turns out to be the wimpiest hitman ever and gives O-Den a refund. O-Den smacks Hitman's wrists for ripping off Squeaky, and it's back to the call centre for him. Squeaky gets her money back, and a job in the club - well we couldn't expect her to actually get off her Squeaky bum and go to a Job Centre, could we?

Denman is cross that O-Den is taking over the club - like he made such a good job of running it. He stomps around with tousled hair and smokes too much (lucky bugger). Eventually, he realises that Shazza is definitely not interested in any more freakish crypto incest-sex now that she can live out her Electra complex instead, and decides to move on. He slinks away during the Welcome O-Den party at the club, still scowling.

Meanwhile, the cute ginger cat with the evil face seems to have moved somehow from Chez Billy/Drippy to chez Slater. Billy doesn't like living with the Slaters in their Tardis House. O-Den winds him up about Grunt killing his best mate Roly. Oh the hilarity...

Fool and family return from their holiday in Glamorous Brighton. Ethel is worse than ever and Backstreet gets to practise his "concerned" look. Downstairs in the bar, Fool is bombarded with Tales of O-Den (mainly from the Bealemeister - who appears to be in ratfink heaven now that O-Den is back), and looks sad. He tries leaping over the bar O-Den-style, and falls over.

TriniDad is celebrating singledom with one long orgy of drinking, odd-sock wearing and yeahmanning. Bad Brutha is cross and clears up after him. Yolande is over at Dot and Jim's house, looking sad. She quotes a bit of TriniDad/Jim's letter and Dot says: "Ooooh that's Dylan Thomas that is!" Jim looks shifty, but Yolande agrees not to grass him up. Yolande confesses sadly to Dot that men don't usually hang around after the first couple of shags, and congratulates Dot for keeping Jim happy in the bedroom and elsewhere. Dot confesses that she and Jim haven't actually done it because they're old and English. Oh for god's sake, what is it with the EE scriptwriters' obsession with wrinkly sex, kinky sex or freakish crypto incest sex? Why can't EE characters just do plain, old fashioned shagging and be done with it? Yolande realises that she gave up a tropical paradise with free rum for this den of freakishness and books a flight home. I liked her too.

MMartin is actually working on the stall. Amazing. But no, he's pocketing the cash until Gay Pike lets him know that he's got his eye on him by going on about the books being down. Meanwhile Teen takes a break from sucking DJ Ross's face off to set Kellay up with MMartin. Shagging DJ Ross appears to have reduced Teen's braincell count - or she's sick of Kellay giving her lost puppy looks every time DJ Ross approaches. MMartin late for the date, and Kellay moans to a passing MY Gus. MMartin says: "Date? What date? As if I'd date a slapper like you!". MY Gus is shocked and appalled, and pushes MMartin in a girly fashion. Kellay runs off home. But the only thing she can hear at home are DJ Ross and Teen going at it like the clappers. Kellay's little face crumples and she cries. Poor Kellay! Shag MY Gus! He writes poems! He's sensitive! He wears silly hats! He needs something to get him out of the plot cupboard and away from the Deatheating Moomin!

MMartin goes home and raids the cashbox, only Poline catches him. Ruh-roh!

THE SILENCE OF THE COWS

This one carries on straight from Thursday, Shazza bangs her plump little hands against the window but Squeaky makes a determined face and drives off for her APPOINTMENT WITH DEATH!! Shazza grabs her phone and thinks about calling the cops, but then calls O-Den instead. He tells her to look for some spare keys and comes over to bust her out. Shazza looks around the flat, leafs through some magazines (Autumn Looks for the Femme Assassin!) and finds a bit of paper with a clue on (ie the location of the tunnel). O-Den breaks into Squeaky's flat using a sonic screwdriver or something and Shazza pleads with him to go and save Fill. O-Den reluctantly agrees.

Shirley calls the police. One of the policemen is pretty cute. They tell her to keep a diary too. Shirley says she can get Drippy and Billy to be witnesses to Gavin's Evil-tude but then is gutted to hear that they are moving out. She puts her flat on the market too.

Trinidad is sick of Yolande floating round doing all the housework, shagging him and singing hymns etc. He tells her that she is smothering him and that actually, no, he didn't write that soppy letter. Yolande is devastated and leaves. doh, I liked her.

Asif, MY Gus and Martin are having a drinking session to celebrate Asif going to Uni. billy says that going to Uni makes you gay - shut up billy. Billy and AGary end up having a drinking competiton with the teen muppets (oh good, we get to see Martin's ace drunk acting) and various other teen muppets join in (Karina, Kellay, DJ Ross, Scalliq, Teen). Scalliq tries to make out with DJ ross, even though Teen is sitting on his lap. Kellay is jealous (still!) so she snogs Martin. Billy and Garry are scolded by their women and have to leave. That's about it.

Squeaky arrives at the Tunnel of Doom and kicks a bit of cardboard to show us how badass she is. She goes into the tunnel and starts fashioning a fake cloth baby out of all the baby clothes she's been stealing. She has arranged for Fill to meet her here, I suppose. O-Den shows up and Squeaky mutters "Shazza! Foiled again!" - well, you're the one her left her with her phone, thicko. She tells O-Den to leave and that there's nothing he can say to make her change her mind. O-Den tries some "killing is bad, m'kayyy" type nonsense but Squeaky finds some dramatic moody lighting to stand in and gives a long speech about how when fill took away her baybay she felt really bad blah blah and now she wants to finish it for good. She goes on about how cows cry when they take the calfs away. You can still hear the cows crying, can't you Clariccceee? O-Den explains that Squeaky might win in the short term but that Louise will hate her when she finds out that Squeaky killed Fill so she'll lose her in the long run anyway. Damn, defeated again by the power of soliliquy! Squeaky aims the gun at Fill for a bit but then drops it on the floor and starts squeaking and gibbering like the old Squeaky that we know and find quite irritating. Fill is by now standing outside the tunnel. He hears all the meeping noises and goes into the tunnel but is frightened by a stray random owl (?!) and runs away before he stumbles across Squeaky or the Denster. O-Den makes his eyes go all dead and scary and says that there are lots of other cool evil things they can do to make Fill suffer. Oh yes, so many things....

KILL FILL
A younger policeman tells an older policeman about O-Den's form while O-Den sits in the EE police interview room looking slightly bored. Older policeman says: "you can't prove nuffink, so shut it, youngster", and Den goes free. He returns to the square just as Fill is packing up the car to take Mini Fill to Squeaky's for her access visit. She lives around the corner ffs, you fat lazy spudhead. No wonder your blood pressure's a bit suspect. Fill doesn't notice a Tiny Tears-type doll tumble from the car boot because he's too busy gloating/shouting incoherently at O-Den.

Denman has been getting unreasonably tetchy about O-Den being nabbed - you'd think he'd be happy to have Shazza all to himself again, but this man is borderline psychotic, I suppose. Anyway, the little Wattses all run across the square to greet their father. Denman and Vickney take O-Den to the club to "celebrate" (at this hour? sheesh). Shazza says it's too early, and then finds The Tiny Tears Of Terror, and takes it to Squeaky's place.

NC sub-plot. TriniDad has a hot racing tip that somehow leaks out to the most unlikely gamblers on the square - possibly this development gives the EE actors who haven't been allowed to go on holiday something to do.

Shirley tries to talk to Evil Gavin but he says she should get out more, and get a shag while she's at it, then exits, laughing evilly. Shirley forgets about opening up the bookies and decides to empty the contents of her bin in front of Evil Gavin's front door. Well, there goes your harassment suit, idiot woman. She comes back later, and somehow Evil Gavin has got into her place without breaking anything and dumped the contents of every single bin in East London on her carpet.

Fill dumps MiniFill off at Squeaky's place, and Squeaky makes another speech about how he's got nothing to worry about and he should just act a little more civilised. Then she invites him down to the park a bit later. As soon as he leaves, Squeaky gets out her "Modern Girl's Murder Kit" and starts mucking about with the gun as Mini Fill plays innocently.

Today, Squeaky is a huge black cardie, with Murdering Temptress nail varnish and matching lippy.

Shazza calls around with the Tiny Tears of Terror. just as Squeaky is leaving the flat. Squeaky first tries to say: "no no there's no baby here. What baby? Oh no, I'm not Squeaky" but Mini Fill starts crying. Shazza barges in, finds the Murder Kit and starts telling Squeaky that killing people is bad, m'kay? Squeaky responds with an impassioned slightly mental speech about Fill only being interested in Mini Fill as a fuck trophy and she's only doing what a good mother should do etc etc. Shazza sensibly points out that none of that would stand up in court, and why doesn't she take Fill to court for custody. Squeaky says: "but I'm a nutter and Dodgy Marcus is the only lawyer in the entire country and he works for Fill."

So, anyway, this goes on for a while, and in the end Squeaky utters the most menacing words ever uttered on EE: "Umm...look I'm going to be late, and could you look after Mini Fill while I'm gone? I mean, I don't want to start shouting and pushing you around and stuff, but...well...you know...I am holding a gun...". Shazza tries the killing is wrong m'kay gambit again, but Squeaky gets bored and runs off, locking Shazza in with Mini Fill.

Yolande invites all the gamblers (including Kellay, Dadvis, Minty, Billy and a couple of random pensioners that I've never seen before) to the B&B to watch the racing. Doesn't anybody have any work to do? Sheesh. Even Dot turns up. Juhneen has nicked a few hundred to put on the Hot Tip, but Bazza won't let her listen to the racing on the radio, and forces her to listen to Classic FM instead. Poor cow. Bad Brutha gives a running commentary as the horse romps home and everybody celebrates. Then Dot stands up and says: "Starving children need your winnings more than you do", and collects everybody's betting slips while Yolande cackles smugly in the background. TriniDad and Jim are sad. Billy is sad.

Bazza finds out that Juhneen has stolen the betting money from Petty Cash and Juhneen has to make up some excuse about getting him a Playstation with the winnings. But Bazza has other ideas. They're going to go to a posh hotel with silk sheets and champagne and have a luxury weekend together, with lots of Baz-lovin'. Juhneen looks physically sick and her hair droops some more.

SHARON'S ROADMAP TO PEACE

Denman has taken to acting like a sulky teenager and watches sullenly as Vickney and Shazza fawn around O-Den. He shouts ”I wish I had never been born!” and runs outside (not really) where Fill mocks him for getting his daddykins in to help him. Denman says “Grrr! I’ll get you some day, Mitchell!” but then O-Den appears and Fill makes a smug face. Shazza tells Vickney off for pulling her Junior Miss Gangsta routine but Vickney explains that she was just moving the plot along. Fair enough. Fill asks Pat to tell him about O-Den and Pat makes her sideways mouth face and acts all reluctant. Later Fill is seen on the phone grassing O-Den up to someone. What a little weasel. Shazza approaches Fill and asks him to leave her family alone. There’s a funny bit where she mentions Vickney and pulls a happy face and then mentions Denman the next second and makes a tortured incestuous face. Fill says he’ll leave them alone if Denman can keep his grubby mitts of Sham. Shazza is shocked and appalled that she is getting Sham’s sloppy seconds.

Shirley is out of the plot cupboard. She hears Evil Gavin go out and phones in sick so she can relax in silence in her Boudoir of Mauveness, but then he comes back and turns the music up again. Um Shirley, I know he is in the wrong and all but get some earplugs and stop sniveling. She tries complaining to the landlord and whining to Trinidad but without success. That night she is asleep (with loads of candles and vile ceramic fauna around her bed – there’s no excuse for that) when she starts getting lewd phone calls and realizes that Gavin has put her number on ho-cards all around Walford. She bangs on his door, cries, and shouts “Why! Why!”

Juhneen is also back and seems to have acquired Nat’s frazzled, straw like hair while she was away. Basically she carries on shagging Bad Brutha (Yolande and Trinidad nearly catch them at it) and lying to Baz. In other non-news, Baz’s divorce is finalised.

O-Den wanders round the Square. Poline is not best pleased to see Chelle’s babyfather. She tells him that he spoils everything and that she wished Arfur had come back from the dead instead. Yeah, that would be really exciting. O-Den meets Squeaky and gets her talking about Fill, Squeaky says that Fill is smashing but that she can understand why everyone else wants him dead. They smirk at each other and Squeaky waves her rack in his face (first climbing up a step ladder). Later, Squeaky gets the Hitman round and practices her Evil Revenge Speech that is she going to give to Fill before she pops a cap into his ass. She says that she is going to frame O-Den for the killing – wow, perhaps she has half a brain after all. Hitman smiles like a village idiot.

Billy is such a mental midget that he is comprehensively out-thought and out-argued by Drippy in the "shall we move in with the slaters" discussion. Fill gives him a job doing up Kyert’s Acrylic Nail Detective Agency but even that is not enough money to save him from Slater-dom.

Poline tries to turn Vickney against O-Den but Vickney basically says “screw you, bitch”. Denman gives Shazza a hard time for talking to Fill so Shazza tries fluttering her eyelids at him to make him agree to a truce. Denman tells Shazza off for using her bootay to manipulate him so shazza tells him off for shagging Sham to get to Fill. Denman: “can we have more of the incest?” Shazza: “no!” Later they are all sitting down to eat when there is a knock on the door and the cops show up and arrest O-Den for perverting the course of justice.

USED TO BE DEAD. NOW HE'S NOT
Missed the first ten minutes or so, but according to the official update, I didn't miss much other than Denman being all sulky with O-Den and the Bealemeister prematurely claiming his return to Meisterhood because he thinks he's bought the Meal Machine.

O-Den goes for a walk around the Square and guess what? Nobody recognises him. Well, except for Dot Cotton, who thinks she's seen a ghost, but Ian thinks she's been smoking her special cigarettes again. O-Den visits his and Angie's grave, which for some reason seems to be in a corner of a public park, and Dot catches him trying to nick the flowers. He buys her a cup of tea and they exchange banter about being rotten parents, and Dot tells him that Shazza wouldn't have got involved with Fill if Den had been there for her (oh yes she would - the girl's mental, remember?).

All Bealemeister return party plans have been put on hold because Fill has bought the Meal Machine for Kyert to ...do what with? Open up a catering detective agency? Kyert is just as bemused as we are. From high flying Undercover Cop to owner of a semi-derelict sandwich factory. That's what you always dreamed of when you were playing on the swings at Byker Grove, wasn't it Kyert? And anyway, she's more concerned that Mini Fill's clothes keep disappearing mysteriously. Squeaky looks innocent. There's something about them going off on holiday on Friday - which is exactly the sort of thing you should do when you're setting up a new business, as any fule kno. Squeaky calls Hitman and tells him to give her more killing lessons or something. Then she packs away another stolen item of Mini Fill's clothing in a Secret Place. Bad Squeaky!

Billy whines, whinges and bitches about being unemployed, conveniently forgetting that he brought it on himself, the idiot. Little Mo suggests they move back in with Pa Slater - co-dependent kiddies a gogo! Even Billy balks at the idea of sharing a breakfast table with Sullen.

O-Den wanders back around the square, flirts with Pat, who seems to be the stand-in landlady at the Vic while La Famille Moon is in Brighton, and discovers that Fill

a) owns everything

b) is a potato-faced bastard hated by all and sundry, even Dot.

So that's all he needs to know then. Meanwhile, Fill glowers pinkly at home saying he's not scared of O-Den, oh no. Small squeaky women dressed in badly-fitting Karen Millen suits are a different matter altogether though.

NB: Squeaky, stop wearing polonecks.

O-Den returns home to question Shazza about her ex-boyfriend. Shazza's lip wobbles and Vickney says: "He's a right bastard Dad. He beat up Shazza and he beat up Denman and he's horrid to Martin and ooops my accent is slipping again." Shazza tells Vickney to shut up, but Vickney says she's sick of being scared of the Mitchells and the Wattses were around long before them and it's time somebody showed her some respect - for god's sake girl, you've only been here 10 minutes and you're doing a Violet Kray already! O-Den orders the family down to the pub, even Denman.

Pat's behind the bar and they do more wrinkly flirting (eww) while O-Den changes the barrel. Fill walks in and finds O-Den behind the bar, which makes him very very cross. There's lots of staring and meaningful silences interspersed with Fill shouting and being terribly rude and getting a crick in his neck from looking up at O-Den while the rest of Weird Family Watts look on with varying levels of nervousness (Shazz), vicious glee (Vickney) and psychosis (Denman). So that's it then. Battle lines drawn. Another tedious East End Families at War saga begins.

HE'S STILL, HE'S STILL DENNY FROM THE BLOCK

Denman watches the Brand New Heavies stalking O-Den and then saunters off and leaves them to it.

Shazza is still screaming at Vickney about how dare she bring Shazza's much beloved father to come and see her. In the end, Vickney bursts into tears and runs away. Denman comes in and Shazza has a go at him too and says that she never wants to shag him again because she reminds him too much of O-Den and that it is creepy, sick and wrong. Denman tries the "I was there! I know it was special for you!" line and when that doesn't work asks if he was just some stand in for shazza pervo type fantasies and suggests that they work out Shazza's oepipal type issues in thuh sack. Shazza smacks him. Denman gives O-Dens hideous chunky signet ring back and mentions that O-Den is about to meet death-by-acid-jazz at the hands of the Brand New Heavies. Shazza makes wibbly faces and runs off to save O-Den. She is one mixed-up lady, and that's for sure!

Vickney comes back and Denman has a mentalist episode because she never told O-Den that he had a son. He shouts that Vickney has a loving mother but Denman's mother used to chain him to the radiator and let her boyfriends slap him around. Yikes. He gets right up in vickney's face, turns bright red, all his veins bulge out and spits a lot. Mmmm, scenery tasty. Vickney cries (yet again) and Denman stomps off.

O-Den can tell he is being followed. He nips round a corner and when the Heavies follow him he has vanished. They make "duh. Brain hurts" faces and he pops out from somewhere and asks what they want. I think someone needs to revise the basic principles of hiding, don't they O-Den. They say that he has to go and explain himself to Byrite Andy so he goes along with them.

Denman sulks in the caff. Minty comes along to mock him so Denman grabs his bollocks - I bet that was a handy skill in the showers of HM Lakeland Plastics Prison - and gives them a good squeeze. Minty apologises so Denman lets him go and stomps off again.

Shazza gets a cab to Byrite Andies club but they get stuck in a tunnel (lots of location shooting today, woo hoo) so shazza gets out and runs the rest of the way, flapping her arms comically.

Vickney finds Denman and explains how she didn't want to tell O-Den that he had a son as then O-Den wouldn't be interested in her. She also explains that Chelle's husband ignores her and doesn't treat her like a proper daughter. Also that she loves Denman and would never hurt him on purpose. OK, her acting is not bad in this scene. Denman forgives her. Vick asks why the flat is all smashed up and Denman says that he did it in a Hulk smash type rage and that he certainly wasn't shagging Shazza, no siree.

Oh god, Andy is the worst gangster ever. He basically says that he just wants to tell O-Den off for not phoning and that's it. Pathetic. Why not just give him some chocolates and a back rub and a kitten to really scare him. O-Den says he is going to fly back to Spain and then leaves. A bit later shazza arrives. Oh god, Andy's henchmen are the worst henchmen ever. shazza fights her way past them and she isn't even wearing sensible shoes. Andy says that he didn't hurt O_Den and shazza starts weeping with relief and then rushes off to find him before he gets to the airport. Run Shazza, run!

Shazza stands around at some other random location for a bit and then goes back to the canal. O-Den jumps out from behind yet another bush and shazza runs up to him and apologises for wishing he was dead. They hug and bond and make fun of Vickney's clothes. They talk a lot but it isn't very interesting (ie. I have totally forgotten what they were going on about). Shazza asks him to stay (like duh, we all know he isn't going back to Spain) so he goes back to the flat with her. Vickney and Denman are there. Vickney and shazza both squeal and hug O-Den while Denman just glowers at him psychotically. Elsewhere the Slaters start muttering angrily that they are no longer the most fucked- up and dramatic family on the Square.

GOT OURSELVES THE ONE AND ONLY TALKING LIVING DEN
Denman sits in a deserted night caff, listening to a rather nice bit of Delta Blues guitar and practising his moody stare. Meanwhile Shazza stomps out of the bar and goes home to give Vickney a hard time and change the sheets to Scarlet Woman Red (why don't EE people have patterned duvet covers like the rest of us?).

Vickney's accent travels from Camden, to Croydon, back to Florida and finally settles outside a USAF airbase close to Newbury. It's kind of Thames Valley Girl now. She gives a long speech about families and how she thought Shazza would be pleased to see O-Den because she was always going on about him. Shazza goes into Blonde Mentalist mode and shouts: "Of course not! I wanted to keep my fantasy father alive in my head because you know I can't handle reality! It makes my lips wobble!"

A short interlude to develop the plot involves Slutty! She and Byrite Andy are about to do the nasty in a mock Tudor hotel room when one of Byrite's heavies phones with the news that O-Den is back. Byrite kisses Slutty, throws her the champers and disappears into the night - gangster stuff, dollface. You know how it is. Slutty is confused.

Then it's back to O-Den Meets Denman Pt 2. Denman discovers that O-Den really didn't know he existed and taunts him with a picture of his mother. O-Den's world weary expression gets older and wearier as he discovers that not only was Denman Mad Frankie Knuckles' pool porn boy and "tame nutter", but that Denman did time at Lakeland - for a moment I thought he had a job at my favourite kitchenware supplier, but apparently there's a prison called Lakeland (in EE World anyway). Denman also boasts about killing Mad Frankie Knuckles, so O-Den starts worrying about what the MFK mob might do to "his girls". After that, even Denman decides it's probably not worth telling O-Den that he's sleeping with Shazza. O-Den storms out, leaving Denman howling: "But I killed MFK for you, Daaad!" (eh? I thought it was something to do with Kyert, not O-Den), then chasing after him. There's more macho grunting worthy of the Mitchells, but they're interrupted by Vickney and Denman runs off.

Vickney and O-Den walk around the square bonding and stuff. Shazza sees them and erupts into Super Blonde Mentalist Mode, grabbing hold of Vickney, shoving her indoors and screaming at poor old O-Den. He's really earning his £270K you know, readers: all that screeching must be giving him some rotten tinnitus and making him wish he was back doing bad art on Richard and Judy.

So anyway, Den wanders off into the night, but what's this? We see two sets of heavy boots following close behind and the camera gives us a glimpse of...could it be Byrite and his brand new heavies, out to sort Den once and for all?