COCKED UP KNEES-UP / SATAN AND THAT RED DRESS (aka THE XMAS EPISODE THAT TIME FORGOT)

(by guestblogger ACE!!! this should hgave been posted at xmas but my parent's poxy computer didn't work so I had to wait til I got home to sort it out. I'm sure you'll agree that it was worth the wait...)

It's Christmas morning in the Square and the residents are preparing
for the big day. Teen and Denman celebrate their first xmas together by exchanging rather meaningless gifts. Teen gets him a gym membership and Denman has managed to find the one pair of gloves in London that manage to contain Teen's giant manhands. They argue a bit about O-Den throwing the Moons out on their bums on Xmas Eve, but head over to the Vic nevertheless.

Meanwhile Billy gives Drippy her anniversary present and has bought Cute Baby Fred a toy that he can't play with for a good few years because it is useless to shop for a baby or so he says. Hows about a stuffed animal, you muppet? Eh? Drippy nods approvingly/annoyingly (cross whatever you feel is less appropriate) but wonders what Fool would have gotten CBF.

The Dolescums celebrate Xmas with Keef dressed up as Father Xmas. He
gets Rosie Klebb something red and saucy and Demi and Dumber are disgusted
and so is half the nation as they meet up with Xmas dinner again. Anyway,
Dumberer has gotten Demi the Donkey from the nativity as a pressie but she
doesn't want it because now that she has Cute Baby Aleesha (CBA?) she wants
nothing else but nappies and sleepless nights. What-ev-ah.

In the Vic, while Lady Den is channeling her inner Delia Smith over Xmas dinner, SantaDen is arranging for Teen and Denman to fly off to Barbados together to seperate the newly hotted up Crypto Incest Madness again. Vickney presents Shazzatella (I'm sure her hair is a tribute to that nickname ;) ) with the most hideous handbag known to man and I start imagining her clobbering Teen with it later in a "handbags at dawn" moment, but alas, she doesn't even smack Vickney across the face with it....now that would be a Xmas dream come true.

Fool and Backstreet wake up in the Bealemeister's chip van and Fool plans to
get Ethel 2.0 and leave Walford for good. Backstreet whines that this is their home and that they can't leave their friends. What friends you fuckwit? Anyhoo, Fool gets their stuff from the Vic and decides to call a cab on Xmas day conveniently forgetting that he didn't take O-Den's wad of cash last night. Moron.

In the Vic the Weird Family sit down for Xmas dinner courtesy of
LadyDelia while Shazza and Denman pull a cracker which contains a hideous pink
ring of Crypto Incest Destiny which Denman hides away from Teen's grubby
manhands. SantaDen presents Teen and Denman with the tickets to BArbados and that
is where the shit hits the fan. Denman comes out (don't get too excited)
with his Crypto Incestuous Love for Shazzatella and Teen goes into hissy fit
overdrive quite convincingly. SantaDen vows that this will happen over his
dead body (wait for it, mate) and follows Teen to the stairs. LadyDelia, in
good EE tradition, bursts into a fit of anger and smashes half the Moon
family china on the floor. Nothing says good landlady as smashing a few
bits and bobs round Xmas time. I can't wait for her dominance of the Vic!
Meanwhile SantaDen puppetmasters Teen into faking a pregnancy to keep
Denman by her broad shoulders and away from Shazzatella. She reluctantly tells
Denman that she is carrying his spawn and Shazza goes into super jaw
wobbling mode and strops off to Weird Family Central.

The wrinklies turn up for Xmas dinner at the Vic and SantaDen does his
best Scrooge and cancels their Xmas dinner. Ruh Roh! The locals then badger
Fool into holding a Xmas party at Casa Bealemeister. The whole square rallies
round to organise the do under the guise of "community spirit". Ethel
2.0 has one of her clear moments and calls O-Den "The Dark Lord" which I
find rather amusing but that could have been the alcohol laughing.
Bealemeister reluctantly agrees to have the peasants enter his Kingdom but softens
up when PantoJane graces him with a visit. In the end she even promises
him some nookie so that is a definate go-ahead on the Bride of Bealemeister
part IV then! You just know CJDave is going to pop his clogs Boxing day
morning.

Meanwhile in the Flat-of-not-so-Immaculate-Conception Teen does her
best to trap Denman into her web of lies. She's even poignantly touching her
belly in a deja Simpleton way. I can see months and months of "I am pregnant,
you know" coming up. Yawn! Denman escapes the web narrowly so SantaDen
suggests Teen uses her bellytouching powers on barren Sharon instead. O-Den goes
from SantaDen to SatanDen there, dear readers.

LadyDelia and Vickney go over to Casa Bealemeister to smooth things
over with the locals with a couple of bottles of bubbly. Poline and Vickney
share their last scene together before Vickney.... oh hell we all know she is
leaving. She also has a mistletoe moment with Backstreet which is quite
sweet actually.

Shazzatella decides that she should be the one to leave so Denman can
support his spawn. Joint custody ring any bells Shazza? She jaw-wobbles
as she tells Denman the news and he squints, cries and is actually quite
convincing but as the rest of the nation above the age of 15 I am glad
this Crypto Incest Madness is finally over.

At Casa Bealemeister the local female cronies strut their stuff to
"Sexbomb" Yep, think about the comedy in that one! Fool thanks Drippy for helping
him save Xmas for the last time in Walford and low and behold they find
themselves under the mistletoe......oooh the suspence, the wit, the
clever writing....blah blah blah bah humbug! The kiss and almost get caught by
Billy, CBF and the half of Walford! Ruh Roh again! Fool decides to stay
in Walford. For Drippy? Are you F***ing serious? He forgot the cabbie and can't pay his bill so the locals chip in in the name of community spirit again or so we are meant to believe.

SatanDen has one-to-ones with both of the Crypto Incest Lovers and
Denman menages to totally outshines daddy dearest in the acting department.
S-Den tells Shazza that he loves her 1000 times more than Vickney just as the
latter walks in on them. She decides to strop off and join Shazza into
going to New Yoik. Lame-ass departure storyline I hear you say. Yep!

Outside the Vic Denman tells Teen that he is going to be a favver to
her faux-baby and she hugs him with her gigantic masculine arms. For a
moment I think she is choking the poor thing but he seems to be OK after she
lets go. Shazzatella and Vickney get into a black cab (original) and Denman
gives Shazza his love with the hideous pink ring of Crypto Incest Destiny and
tells her he will love her forevah and evah! Slade's Merry Xmas
everybody plays as the cab drives off and we end on "it's only just begun" Damn I
thought this was the end of this Crypto Incestuous Crap! Or is it the
beginning of a new era for EastEnders? Duh Duh Duuuuh!

Blogged by Ace.