AU REVOIR, LA MOOMIN
Who could it be??? Gasp – it is Straight Pike, coming to collect his belongings and confess all in the style of a Scooby doo villain. He explains to Dot that Poline was a miserable old bitch who didn’t even pretend to be nice to him and never put out or anything. He hit her with a frying pan on xmas day but she seemed fine afterwards (and let’s face it, he didn’t leave any visible marks) and it was all her fault anyway. Oh the dramatic irony that Poline would be laid low by her trusty husband battering pan. Dot starts screaming “Moiderer! Moiderer!” and dials the police, but Str8 Pike dashes the phone from her grasp (though it is still switched on so the 999 operator hears the whole confession). While they are grappling, Jim happens to be passing so he runs upstairs and um throws Str8 Pike out of the window! Ha ha, I’m not joking! Str8 Pike bounces off the porch, crashes through a market stall and lands in a heap on the pavement. Ouch, that’s going to leave a mark definitely. Buh bye Straight Pike, what a boring character you were. Does that mean your prison bitch Bert is leaving too? Oh.

By Monday, Moomin has been released, Str8 Pike has been pinned with Poline’s death and Jim has been cleared of any crime. Wow, that’s the quickest police investigation and inquest ever! Martin wants to get back together with Moomin but she thinks it is a bit quick, what with him accusing her of murder just last week etc and so on. Poline’s will is read out and Martin gets the house as long as that Dirty Jackson doesn’t live in it. Ian rubs his hands at the thought of Martin falling for Moomin’s ahem charms as that means he will get the house. Martin and Moomin bicker and make up and bicker again. They have sex at some point too and then Martin shouts that he just wanted a wife but Moomin couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be a lesbian! or read a book! or play the trumpet! Trumpet playing, literate married women all over the country give the TV a quizzical look.

In other news; Evil little scrote Ben manages to drive drippy Sophie Thompson out of the Vic and back to her damp bedsit.

GADawn, Smarmy Metrosexual and Smarmy Metrosexual’s luxuriant chest rug start canoodling again. Rob says he will leave Dr Fox after GADawn has the baby but they have to string Dr Fox along in the meantime. Dawn agrees because she is stupid.

We finally discover Parklife’s dark secret and it is v boring – basically he isn’t Deano or Carly’s real dad (that would be some bloke in the back alley behind the pub – a different one for each kid). Deano is shocked but then accepts it but that insufferable little madame Carly starts whining and carrying on until Parklife grabs his passport and drives off in the dead of night, never to be seen again hopefully. Meanwhile Atkins puts moves on Fill and Agarry (while wearing a black netting blouse like something Marylin Manson would wear in one of his shittay videos) and later gets slapped by Carly.

In the end Moomin decides to go to Manchester and live with Bianca so she can sort her life out. Also there might be a chance that her mum will actually visit her there! At the last minute, Martin throws himself in front of the Taxicab of Finality and says that him and Chloebacca are going too and Moomin just has to shut up and agree with it. Poor old Moomin does as she’s told and they kiss in the back seat while Chloebecca smiles like an evil little goblin between them. What a creepy shot. Then they drive off and I am heartily sick of them, so good. Buh bye Martin and Moomin, you have provided us with lots of laughs over the years, not many of them intentional but never mind. I expect to see Martin on the Bill and Moomin on Holby City any day now…

FATHEADS FOR JUSTICE
People keep disappearing and popping up in the most unexpected places this week.

First MMartin pops up to rage impotently at Fill. Fill slams Martin against a wall or two until Martin tells him that Moomin used her Moominpowers to do a Squeaky and took Chloebecca with her. Fill has Squeaky flashbacks. MMartin says he just wants to bring his baybay girl home, where she will be safe. Dude look around you. You haven't even sorted the lightbulb in the living room, let alone replace the fruitbowl and put glass back in the windows . MMartin has an Arfur-style meltdown and throws things around.

I admit I went off to make cakes for a bit, so the next thing I saw was some kind of tension between Sophie Thompson and Young Ben and then Ben's up on the Nick Cotton Memorial bridge of DOOM with Mmartin. Martin threatens to throw Ben under the next train. If he's on the Hammersmith & City, he,ll be there for a while. A crowd gathers and it.s just like that scene in Oliver. Not. Martin apologises to Ben and tells him that it,s all Fill's fault for helping Moomin get her Dirty Jackson hands on his little girl. Fill appears on the other side of the line, and you wonder where are the transport police. Anyway Martin gets talked down. Babs and Beale give Fill a hard time. Sophie tells Ben that it was all his fault for wandering off and disobeying his new Mummy, but that Ben should thank her for calming down Scary Fill. Way to go Evil Stepmother Sophie!

Atkins is still hanging around, trying to work the vacuum cleaner and chatting up AGarry when she's supposed to be doing the shopping. Carly spies her in the pub and flies into an Electra-esque rage. There's a East End traditional mother/daughter beer fight (we have them every week, only with gin instead of beer) and Parklife has to break them up. Carly says she's leaving. Parklife then explains that Carly is very protective of her brothers, especially the one that died. Atkins decides to go, and then doesn't, and I'm just too bored to care.

Somehow Atkins manages to get a job in the Vic - perhaps Babs is working on the principle that if the barmaid looks rougher than the clientele, they might behave themselves. She also gets a flat and threatens to reveal Parklife's Dark Secret if he doesn't stop telling her to clear off. Parklife: shifty.

GADawn goes to the abortion clinic again. She'll be getting a loyalty card at this rate. Dr Shewolf dispatches Slimy to bring the bitch and her foetus back by any means necessary. This of course means that Slimy has to pretend that he really does love GADawn and wasn't just using her as a pressure-free shag, and that he is going to leave Dr She Wolf as soon as the baybay is born. GADawn calls off the d&c and goes home. Again. The receptionist nearly gnaws her other hand off in frustration.

Moomin decides to return to the Square and give herself up before Martin gets hold of a Batman costume and decides to dangle DC Lucy from the roof of the community centre. There is a tedious two-hander where she apologises for all the bad things that she has done to MMartin. Not once does she mention that he got her pregnant at 15 and then killed the LOVE OF HER LIFE; and nobody liked Poline anyway. Instead, she says she's innocent and she's going to use all her Moominpowers to prove it. She wants to go to the cop shop and turn herself in under her own steam, but MMartin sneakily calls the police so they drag her away in front of a howling mob got up specially for the occasion by Mo.

Pat's Goddess powers are in overdrive this week. First she calms down Parklife and stops him from killing Atkins with his bare hammy hands. Then she tells Dot that dobbing Moomin in to the coppers was the right thing to do. Dot finds Poline's old laundrette coat and takes it over to the burnt out shell of the Fowler house to lay Poline's restless ghost to rest or something. But then she hears a strange noise...and it's...[drums...music...credits...trailer for Waking The Dead]

In other news: Naomi has taken up residence in the plot cupboard. Dadley is openly shunning JoJo. err...that's it.

THE PERILS OF POLINE
Another semi crib this week, I’m afraid as I was out a lot last week and am super busy this week. I’m sure I have missed loads out but that’s what the comments are for!

Anyway, BroJo calls off the wedding to Davetta in front of everyone but she still sucks up to him and begs him to keep lurving her. Both Jojo and Davetta take it in turns to march into the salon and slap Priitstick for letching over BroJo, in one scene Priitstick is wearing a huge and bizarre red ribbon in her hair like Toni Basil. Priiti says that actually BroJo started it.

Davetta suggests to BroJo that they both move to her big house in Essex so she can lock him naked in a room and stare at him 24 hrs a day through CCTV (possibly). Meanwhile Jojo, BroJo and Bradley worry about what to tell JoJo Ma re Bro Jo’s miraculous return from the dead, esp as JoJo Ma seems to be acting a bit down, even though she swears she is taking her meds. Annoying Brat Davetta keeps whining that she hasn’t been introduced to JoJo Ma as BroJo’s intended. Bradely tells her to keep out of it. JoJo goes to see her mum and is about to tell her about BroJo but can’t go through with it and confesses her abortion shame instead. They both hug and cry.

Smarmy Metrosexual says that he lurves GADawn but can’t leave his wife because they have started IVF or something. Dawn says that she's a gift wrapped kitty kat and only turns into a tiger when she’s under attack. Later on Dr Fox(y lady) says that she has been made permanent and that they can move into the flat above the surgery. (Eh? I thought only pubs came with built in accommodation…) Smar-Met is shocked and appalled that she might get wind of his philandering once she gets to know everyone.

Davetta decides to take matters into her own hands and takes some flowers round to JoJo Ma and is prattling on like “I’m sure BroJo has told you all about me! I used to be a likeable and sympathetic character but now I’m an annoying little madame!” JojoMa and then Davetta’s faces are a picture when they both realise the truth. I miss the shocking climax to this plot, but apparently BroJo goes around and has a fight with Jojo Ma and blames her for everything. Everything! I’m sure there was a lot of ACTING involved. For some reason Davetta decides to leave Walford FOREVAH and become a ballroom dancer in Essex. Byeee!

Sophie Thompson has been put off by Ian’s poisonous muttering and is avoiding Fill, She comes running back though at the first sight of his big potato head. Weirdo. Babs fusses around and interferes, as she always does when there is a chance of one of her spawn getting laid, but it appears that Ben does not like his new mummy.

Ian is in full on weasel mode, with lots of evil face hug action. He cancels the caterers and does other sneaky things while PantoJane skips around going “Wahey! I’m getting married” and tries out severe hairdos with Nurse Tanyah. He buys a pay as you go phone and texts Jane, saying that he is Guh-want wanting to meet up for a night of hot loving. Jane goes to the Park of Contemplation to meet him and Ian spies on her. (There are some funny yet incomprehensible scenes where little Bobby dresses up as a princess. Perhaps Str8 Pike has revived his Mr Benn activities). He does not keep his new decepta-phone long enough to hear Jane leave a message saying “It’s ovah Grant! I love Ian!”

Dole Scum Keef keeps forgetting to go shopping so his kids have to eat crackers for breakfast. Remind me again why he is still in it? There is some non comedy bobbins with Dasbo and Mickney buying dodgy DVD’s off a pretty Chinese girl in the street – kudos to EE for acknowledging a current trend but to be honest, most of the ones I see selling DVD’s don’t appear to be born in England and speak good English…

Oh wow, it all starts kicking off re Poline this week. First of all, Moomin and Martin keep having filthy moominsex assignations at Dot’s. There is a non comedy mix up at one point and Dot gets to see Martin’s throbbing member. Vom. Dot keeps telling them that they have to tell Poline, but Martin is too chicken. Poline is depressed (like, even more than usual) and keeps staring sadly at pictures of Grange Hill era Todd Carthy. Str8 Pike is totally unable to cheer her up. At one point, Dot, Str8 Pike, Martin and Moomin are all discussing her, not realising that Poline is sat on the stairs listening in. Moomin is going on about how Poline is such a vindictive old witch and only Dot defends her. Poline gets more and more stony faced as they prattle on and then runs upstairs to hide. Once they have gone she cadges one of Dot’s fags and puts it down carelessly and then goes upstairs to pack a bag. The fag falls onto a doily or something and catches fire. Ruh roh. Poline doesn’t know what is going on until smoke starts pouring into the room. By this time Martin and people outside have seen it and Martin runs into the Fiery Inferno and starts calling for her. Poline sits in silence upstairs and waits for DEATH!!!!!! OMG, for the first time in years I am dying to know what happens next!