NOTHING GOING ON BUT THE BENT (LAWYER MARCUS)
JoJo is sick of hanging around watching shitty TV with Big Mo (and no, they aren't watching Eastenders) but then Rainman comes in and says that her mum has been released from hospital so she can go home soon. JoJo doesn't seem too pleased at this news but everyone else is. Maybe her mum can buy her a new coat so she can burn that hideous pink parka. Denman says he is working but instead scampers (yes, her literally SCAMPERS) to a cab where Shazza is waiting for him. They start snogging right there is a cab and then drive of to a sleazy hotel that rents rooms by the hour (probably). After being thrown out of the pub, JoJo snits off to hang around by the bus stop like a proper rough teen girl and sees the Incest Twins come back and kiss each other good bye with tongues and everything. Dun dun dunhhh.

Poline, Pike, Dot and Jim start planning a joyless calvinist xmas together but then Jim says "no, dammit, we will go and have xmas dinner at the vic and have fun!" Who actually cooks the food in the vic? an invisible ghost? or does omni-caterer Ian do it as well.

Bent Lawyer Marcus comes round and demands more cash "for Fill". Oh Marcus, you are only supposed to use your bent lawyer powers to serve the Mitchells! Not destroy them! Sham tells AGarry and Minty that hse has to sell the Arches and while they are discussing it later, Ian overhears and buys the Arches just like that. What ev er.

Bilyl tries to act all happy now that CBF has had his name changed to Mitchell (what was it before? Grahamspawn? Raperson?) but he is still acting a bit lame. Drippy half heartedly tells Fool that Billy is making a real effort but you can tell she doesn't really believe it. A couple of spoddy anorak types come in and Drippy thinks they are judges from the pub of the year competition. Fool and Drippy run around trying to please their every whim while a series of contrived disasters unfold around them: The football team come in, having just lost and almost resort to fisticuffs (also they talk about football for about five hours - I even like football and yet still lost the will to live). Clint can't get the juke box working. The barrels all explode, so Fool makes some narsty mulled wine until they can borrow another barrel from the mysterious neighbour pub that has never been seen before. They run out of crisps. The toilet floods. Jojo steals the 8-ball from the pool table. etc. You'd never get all this shit going down if Silent Tracey was in charge. The anoraks berate Drippy about the shambolic non-comedy so Fool tells them to get lost. They are lamenting the loss of the Best Pub competition when the mysterious stranger at the bar says that lo, he is actually the judge and the other two were just real ale bores. also wow, that must have been a real surprise to people who have never watched TV before. Ever. Judgey Judgerson says he loves the pub and thinks Drippy is the best barmaid evah!! Fool and Drippy simper together and Fool sensuously strokes Drippy's forehead. Drippy looks tempted yet confused, or something.