SHAM PAIN

The "new improved" comments thing went down like a lead balloon so I have added Haloscan comments which are more like the old ones but will hopefully be less shite and crash-y. Comment away, readers!

To the episode... Fool and Slutty are acting all awkwarsd and uncertain after their night of high drama. Fool still won't touch Slutty properly or look her in the eye. Slutty is sad. Tink and Ethel 2.0 pop up and are annoying. Ethel uses her Old Lady Powers to discern that something is up with Fool/Slutty and decides that her and Tink should move out once they are married. Tink makes vile "oldster sex-o-rama" type faces at the prospect. They overhear Kareena moaning in the Vic and decide to buy the Ferriera house once it has been repossessed and all.

Gus looks at the Book of Records and moans that it is all retarded and stupid. Ditto this lame plot. Juley convinces Gus to try for a food scoffing record (even though the Guiness Book etc etc no longer accepts these, as any fule kno) and talks Gus into going for a hot curry eating competition. They do it in the Square without any officials watching or anything. Idiots. Denman keeps time and Julio calls him "Big Man D" about 4 times - how does Juley know that Denman is "big"??? Enquiring minds want to know. Anyway, Gus pukes after a few minutes and Doktor Boden-shirt tells them off for being so stupid, in the style of an overacting James Bond villain.

The PolDot symbiotic hive-mind makes Moomin and Martin attend a meeting with Comedy Vicar to discuss the service. Dot wants a Tristan/Isolde style medieval wedding but Poline doesn't. the 2 M's grit their teeth and exchange banter about whether Moomin has to "obey" Martin (ie. Not). Later on Poldot argue because they have both bought dresses that are the same colour. Moomin flips and yells that they are ruining the wedding for her. Also it turns out that neither Robbie nor Carol Jackson can make it to the wedding. Quelle Surprise! Why not just admit defeat and cast another actress as Carol - this is getting totally ridiculous.

Ian "salt/rub/wound/in" Beale asks A-Garrry to babysit Bobby (who really is a cute kid) for a bit. While A-G is busy, Byrite Andy asks Minty to ring a dodgy motor or something. Minty is reluctant but Byrite says he will get him sacked if he doesn't.
Sham catches Minty at it and Minty tries to fob her off with a lame excuse. Sham says "I'm not totally blonde!" and admits to having picked up some off-camera mechanical knowledge when she was still Daniella Westbrook. When Minty confesses, Sham goes off to yell at Byrite.

Ladyden emotionally blackmails O-Den into coming shopping for birthday clothes for Vickney. Vickney buys some ugly lime green shoes. LadyDen is still suspicious and tries to find out about Mystery Wench from O-Den's mobile phone. O-Den catches her at it. LadyDen makes hacky faces.

Fool arranges a mystery surprise or something over the phone. He wants Slutty to come with him to gloat that Andy's dastardly scheme failed but Slutty doesn't want to . Fool says that that is the least she owes him so Slutty reluctantly agrees. They march into Sham/Andy's gaff and Andy says something like "So, you haven't watched my amateur porn yet?" Fool says "Yes! and it sucked! also me and Slutty are solid as a rock and you are mere pond scum!" Andy calls Fool a fool (shout out?) and says: "How dare you mock me puny mortal, I will get Sham to sack you from the Vic, bwa ha ha ha!" Fool doesn't say that he will tell Sham about Byrite's sexcapades but just goes "Whatever, we'll get a job in some other shitty pub" and gives Andy his tape back. At that moment, Sham shows up - Fool gets her to say that she has no intention of sacking them and then him and Slutty leave. Sham shouts at Byrite for fucking with her business and storms off. Byrite makes mad, loser type faces and settles down to watch the video and maybe knock one off at the wrist. It turns out that Fool gave him a copy of his and Slutty's wedding video instead, the scamp. Ha ha, sucks to be you, Byrite!

THE GOOMAH STRIKES BACK
Hmmm...OK, most of the second half of Monday's ep was the set up to tonight's Fool/Slutty two-hander.

The first half dealt with Ian doing his "I'm Superdad. I don't need your help with Simplet" thing. The Midwich Twins glower at poor crying Simplet and Kyert (who appears to have moved in) tells him to call AGarry. AGarry takes Ian through the complicated West-Ham-themed evening routine and looks sad. Poor AGarry!

Teen plays hard to get with Denman and gets invited out for fish and chips or something. MY Gus decides to go for a world record. No I don't know why either. World's sappiest poem?

Byrite looks evil, gives Fool the tape under the flimsiest pretext imaginable. Fool chucks it in bin. Later, Fool prepares romantic candlelit tryst in the living room, having got rid of Ethel and Backstreet. While he's waiting, curiosity gets the better of him, and he puts the vid on, only to find Byrite and Kat doing it the nasty way.

So, having spent a lovely evening playing cards with various Slaters at the Slater tardis, Kat bounces home and finds Fool watching That Vid.

Slutty: Ohhhh...shit. It's not like that...really

Fool: What do you mean you dirty 'ho? Everybody said that you were a dirty 'ho but I didn't listen because you kept telling me what a good girl you really are. What a fool I am to marry you! Why yes, I am the Fool of Albert Square. How many other men have you shagged behind my back, you 'ho?

Slutty: Byrite tricked me into sleeping with him. He said he'd kill you if I didn't put out and you didn't pay up.

Fool: But I did pay up!

Slutty: Umm...yeah, that was after we'd...ummm...

Fool: Woe woe and thrice woe! For verily I am the cuckold! You're my wife, fer chrissakes. Wives don't go around sleeping with toy gangstas, or did nobody explain that to you at 'ho school?

Slutty: I did it for you! Are you saying that you wouldn't do the same for me?

Fool: Well...ummm...no...I mean yes...ummm...no no! Look, don't go playing around with my moral certainties like that. Wives don't go around sleeping with toy gangstas! Not even Slutty wives like you! I've seen you with your short skirts and orange foundation...

Slutty: Hang on a minute! I became shiny and new when I married you. And you forced me back into Sluttydom with your stupid superhero complex, fuckwit.

Fool: That's no superhero complex; that's a sincere reaction to the discovery that my parents might have avoided their hideous fatal car crash if I had fixed Dad's car stereo so that he might swap Chris de Burgh tapes without taking his eye off the road.

Slutty: Well if we're going to play that game, I was raped when I was 13...

Fool: Not fair!

Slutty: Tough, and shagging Byrite was worse than shagging Uncle Boon. But I did it for you! My only crime is loving you too much. Byrite staged all this to split us up, and you're doing exactly what he wants.

Anyway, it continues in this vein for another ten minutes or so. My sister-in-law called in the middle, so I might have missed something. Slutty finally walks out of the Vic, then Fool calls her back. They agree to salvage the pitiful remains of their marriage. Slutty is happy: Fool tries not to scrub his hands after touching her.

Interesting fact no 675: the staff of Bangalor call centres working for UK-based companies have to watch episodes of EastEnders in order to understand UK culture. I make no further comment.

Looks like a double post tonight, guys...

LAND OF PLENTY, LAND OF FUN, TO FIND OUT I'M IAN BEALE'S SON
Apologies all, but the tortuous Pixies-related titles may continue for some months now they're on tour.

So anyway, AGarry goes to visit Doktor Boden-Shirt, and discovers (though Doktor Boden-Shirt tries not to tell him) that the Simplet is a completely different blood group from him and Simpleton - in fact it's the same as my kid's (Mr P denies everything and has banned me from every chip shop in London, just in case). We discover that Ian Beale doesn't know his blood group. He tries to chisel his blood group out of Boden-Shirt, who glares ineffectively at him, and admits that he just might be Papa Simplet but the only way to find out for sure is a DNA test. Ian now wants the Simplet because he would be the ideal Freak Genetic Replacement for Devil Child Stephen, now with Wicksy in New Zealand - probably on a tiny island off Auckland where they lure stray Australians into giant cages and burn them as an offering to the Gods of ITV. Sullen looks glad that she might actually be shot of the kid and tries to persuade AGarry that it's all for the best, and he's got another, proper child on its way anyway (though I'd wonder about that one, knowing Sullen it's probably the lingering aftermath of Beppay's sperm). But AGarry turns in quite a respectable tear-jerking speech about being the one Simplet smiles at, and the first person to hold him etc etc etc. He tries to run away with Simplet, but runs out of ideas at the station, gets shouted at by a self-righteous Brummie extra, and comes home again. Ian's waiting with the Slaters, who actually stand by, snivelling, and let him take the poor kid away from AGarry. Leave now, AGarry. Your inlaws are not only stupid, but even more annoying than you.

Slutty misses Fool, but keeps finding lame-ass lovenotes from him everywhere, which she waves talismanically at Byrite. Byrite says: "Haha , my little pretty. I'm going to get you good this time, and tell your idiot husband that we done it in my girlfriend's bed." Slutty: "Go ahead, you big pervy loser". Byrite apparently carries That Video everywhere with him...eww.

Kellay kind of knows she should really be with MY Gus and not Backstreet, but she's prepared to make the best of a bad job.

Teen's treating Denman mean and keeping him keen. She gets LadyDen to make her up like Cher, goes to the niteclub and chats with anything in trousers to get Denman jealous. Because all the teen muppet storylines are written by former Jackie storyliners (yes I know I'm showing my age), Denman falls for it and Teen gets her man.

O-Den arranges an assignation with Mystery Laydee, and gives LadyDen the runaround. Next!

MoominBride plots with Vickney to get the dress she wants from the Bridezilla shop. Polzilla is angry that her plans for the giant bridal cardigan have been thwarted because now they have to change the flower order.

CABIN FEVER
by Mark
I missed this last night as a result of a VCR disaster (ie I forgot to set it…) and so had to cobble this together from the BBC site…

Moomin shops for her moomingown but gets annoyed as Dothra and Polzilla are too busy arguing to help her. Destroy All Monsters, Sonia, you know it makes sense. They reject all the dresses she likes so in the end Moomin has a bratty fit and stomps off. Bitch hag Poline buys a dress for her anyway. I didn’t see it but I am assuming it is a grey knitted cardigan-esque number…

The Ferrieraz get a post card from the props department. Oops, I mean “Madhur”. Apparently she is in the Himalayas (of course she is….) researching a new recipe book and so she can’t help them.

In the Kabinet of Lust, Kellay and Backstreet discover that devious minx Vickney has removed all the phones from the room so they have no way of calling for help. Backstreet tries to break the door down but is obviously too weak and feeble. They bicker and bring up the sorry episode of their 18th birthday fumble and Kellay’s ho past. Through some unbelievable miracle of dialogue writing they end up making friends and then flirting with each other. But lo! Vickney realises that her astronomy bollocks was all a mistake and that they aren’t a cosmic love match after all. She goes to let them out and finds them shagging on the lino or something. How lame was that plotline? (clue: very)

Ian is shocked and appalled that Bobby could be his baybay. Especially as he had a secret vasectomy and then spent the last year calling it a freak genetic experiment. He asks why O-Den is helping him and O-Den says he feels bad for being a deadbeat dad himself and also he was friends with Ian’s dad and so is loyal to the House of Bealemeister. When Ian finds out that Pat knew all along he is cross and they have a row. Ian thinks that Pat likes AGarrry more than she likes him and sacks her from the caff. (Tribunal! Tribunal!). A-Garry is also cross with Pat and says he wants to keep Bobby whoever the Dad is. Poor old Pat – it isn’t her fault that Simpleton was such a dozy cow.

Ian gets an unbelievably quick appointment at Vasectomies-R-Us and talks to a consultant. The nad-snipper says that Ian could still have been fertile for a while after the op, as any fule know. (Mmm, thinking about Beale’s bollocks again. Thanks EE writers! Thanks for nothing!) There is a picture on the website of Ian clapping his hands to his ears and screaming a la Macauley Culkin. Ha ha ha! Kyert is supportive in a worthy dull way (I am assuming…) He goes to confront Garry and demands that Bobby is DNA tested. Garry still wants to keep the baby whatever the results. Ian wants the baby if it is his. It is turning into a tragic tot tug of love, as the Sun would put it…

YOU ARE THE SON OF A BEALEMEISTER (ONE, TWO, THREE...)
Pat's earrings weigh particularly heavy today. Almost as heavily as her conscience (see what I did there?). She witters around, trying to tell Ian that the cute genetic experiment is his, but keeps bottling out. AGarry wants her to keep her mouth shut because he's finally got Sullen to treat the poor kid like a human being; besides, all that nappy changing and teaching of West Ham terrace chants must count for something...(NB: is Sullen's dye job growing out, or did she pay for that hairdo?). Pat gets all stressed out and can't even burn toast properly, much to Silent Tracey's silent chagrin (though she did get to say: "Where's my toast?"). Ian is cross. O-Den finally gets the truth out of her, gives her a lecture on how much he regrets never changing Denman's nappy and maybe if he had been around all that crypto incest nonsense may never have happened. Pat dithers on, and O-Den decides to tell Ian himself. The final shot is of a close up of Ian's face: a gorgeous mix of fear, anger and utter lack of gorm.

So, elsewhere. All this astrological matchmaking madness has finally tipped Vickney over the edge. She lures Backstreet and Kellay into the club office and locks them in before they have time to protest. I'd have her sectioned.

Polzilla tries to sneak Moomin off to the Bridal Meringue shop to stuff her into some hideous polyester-and-lace concoction. But Dothra discovers her cunning plan and comes along too. Moomin just wants a quiet wedding with no fuss. OK, nip off to Las Vegas and get married by Elvis, kids.

Teen frets teenily over Denman. Denman sees her applying her lipstick in public like a common slattern and invites her over to the pub for a game of lascivious darts in front of Slutty. Slutty is cross and still sad about Byrite. Meanwhile Byrite discovers that Slutty is Alone because Sham has sent Fool on his Bartending for Dummies course. This is a cue for Byrite to spend hours in the Vic, waggling his tongue at Slutty and threatening to call Fool.

Shazza consigns Hero Fireman Tom to the Dustbin of History. She and Denman have a longing looks-style conversation that implies that Denman's next - but probably only after he's shagged LadyDen.

THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG DISTANCE SLUTTY

Vickney is still suffering from Romantic Comedy Psychosis and is plotting to get Backstreet into Kellay's pants. She invites them both round to dinner without saying the other one is coming and then cooks a special dinner (cue shots of Vickney looking at a "romantic food" cookbook, Vickney smirking at bunches of asparagus etc). Kell and Backster work out what is going on and don't show up. Vickney says they will never get away with thwarting her. Jeezuz Vickney, get a life.

LadyDen nearly catches O-Den phoning his mystery wench.

Teen is still a nervous wreck because Denman hasn't called her. Slutty tells her to get a grip.

It is Crypto-Bridezilla versus Dot-thra. Poline is going into marriage planner uber-drive. She decides that Gay Pike is going to the best man and that Moomin and Mmartin will drive in a horse drawn carraige. Mmartin flaps his jaw, ineffectually. Meanwhile Dot says she should plan the wedding as she is the bride's family and Jim just wants to put a few balloons up. They all meet up to discuss it and Poline and Dot make snooty sarcasmo faces and roll their eyes a lot.

Billy is going to grass Andy/Slutty up to Sham out of spite but then Byrite gives Billy the project manager job for converting the snookerall into offices. Billy is a chartered surveyor now? I must have missed the one where that happened. There is EE Trusty Plot Device number 1 where Billy is about to tell her and Sham interrupts and talks over him. I can't get enough of that one (note: sarcasm). Billy decides to hold his tongue.

Slutty is sad. It turns out that Byrite tricked her and only pretended to have a bloody beating victim paraded in front of her. He says it is all about the shex and that it isn't ovah until he says it's ovah. Slutty says "I hate you!" and Byrite looks psychotic. Fool goes off on some sort of "Pub Management for Dummies" course and Slutty weeps alone in the Vic.

Pat thinks deep thoughts about the Birth Certificate and then stomps off to see Ian. He, yes, talks all over her and won't let her tell him about the baybay. Pat sees A-Garry being a Good Dad and is all set to burn the birth certificate (don't do that! The poor kid will need to apply for a passport some day!) but then doesn't. She has a boring conversation about adoption with Shazza where they both sound as though they are reading the lines off a social services website or something. In the end Pat does the Right Thing and goes and tells A-Garrry that the baybay may not be his. Dun Dun Dunnnnhhh, etc

SHE'S STILL SHE'S STILL SLUTTY FROM THE BLOCK
The things they do to get a bit of sex into this programme. Fool, conveniently, has disappeared, leaving a note saying: "Trust Me" - oh yeah, like you've got a good track record, mate. Slutty also finds a parcel from Andy: it contains a "slimming" black negligée, that he orders her to wear at 4pm, when he's booked her in for this legendary seeing to. Maybe he's got a thing for Greek widows, but anyway Slutty doesn't like the black negligée thing and rips it to shreds.

In the pub, Slutty can't concentrate on serving customers, so poor old Silent Tracey gets lumbered with the lunchtime rush (Den and Ian) while Slutty mopes in her room, looking stricken. Ethel 2.0 drops by to offer pearls of Alzheimer wisdom and Slutty goes for the silent film star in peril look. In black. Lots and lots of black. Just in case we didn't work out that she's not too keen.

Meanwhile, it's Simpleton's funeral. AGarry has dressed the Simplet in navy blue,and Ian won't go because he thinks Simpleton has suffered enough. Pat and Dot manage to whip a respectable number of extras along to the funeral, using threats, promises of food etc. Later, Pat is clearing out Simpleton's stuff, when she finds Simplet's birth certificate that says that Ian's the Daddy.

LadyDen's still cross about O-Den eating Sham's face in front of the whole pub. O-Den gets Ian to cook a romantic meal for two that involves carrots in some way. Ian has an attack of conscience and blubs unconvincingly for about two seconds. Honestly, it's like watching a vulture weep.

Scalliq suggests that the Ferreiras squat in the home that is no longer theirs. The Kidz go: "Yeah! Smash the State! We're the Kidz! In your Face, Thatcher!". Next week: they get a hamster and call it SPG.

Vickney/stars/Spencer/Kellay sub-plot. Spencer shouts at Vickney for trying to pair him up with Kellay, telling her that he's been there, done that, got the "I Shagged Kellay and all I got was this stupid-" T-shirt. Vickney witters on about how it's all pre-ordained in the stars. What next: Fashion advice from the I Ching? Tsk!

Back at chez Mitchell, Slutty and Byrite are arguing about the nature of true love. Byrite says non, il n'existe pas, and gets all existential on Slutty's ass. Slutty says she loves Fool, not Byrite and his furs and diamonds etc. Byrite says: "Once a slut, always a slut. You love all this, not Fool". Nobody mentions that "All this" appears to be running a dodgy bookies and living in your girlfriend's mum's house. Billy almost saves the day with some gormless excuse about leaving his wallet behind, but Byrite waves him away. Oh no! Poor Slutty is ordered upstairs and make like she enjoys it, or...I dunno...Fool might get the full truncheon treatment. So she does. We don't see anything (thank the lord).

Afterwards neither of them look particularly pleased with themselves, and Slutty makes Byrite promise that it's all Ovah. Then Fool rushes in (where Billy feared to tread) with a jiffy bag full of cash. Slutty hides. Byrite takes the cash and goes: "Bwahahahahaha! I'm so evil. I got you my little pretty, and Fool, and the ruby slippers too!"

Slutty sneaks back to the pub where Fool is all: "I paid Byrite back! Hooray for me!", and smiles weakly at him. Byrite watches the afternoon's action, which he taped from a hidden camera on top of the wardrobe, and weeps for his debased soul. Or something. Maybe it was out of focus, and he realised he couldn't flog it on the Internet...

IT'S A KAT TRAP

Oh, this episode was so rubbish I can barely be bothered to write it up. First of all, Kyert and LadyDen open their joint beauty palace in record time. No-one shows up until O-den flirts with Pat and gets her to get her to get her roots touched up. Pat recruits the rest of her crone friends to do the same. LadyDen moans at O-Den for helping her out. OK, now she is annoying. Later on O-Den gives Sham a birthday kiss in front of LadyDen just to annoy her and then phones up his mystery wench to have a moan.


Vickney starts rabbiting on about astrology and uses her heathen sorcerous astromancy to try and set up Kellay and Backstreet. Great! Another plot for me to not remotely care about!


The Ferriera kids all sit around and moan about Ash and the fact that he has made them homeless. They fantasise about breaking his legs etc. Scalliq and DJ Ross try to find cheap rented accommodation but can't find anything. It turns out that Ash has gone missing and Scalliq can't find his pain pills so they think he is going to top himself. They all rush off to find him - try the allotment, that's where sad losers often go to die.


Sham moans that she hasn't got many birthday cards. Yes Sham, that's because no-one likes you. Byrite says he has a surprise for her later. In his pants.


Fool tries to track down Maxwell to borrow money and witters on that everything is going to be all right. Slutty is sick of his Fool-ish optimism and tells him to shut up. she asks what he will do if Byrite attacks her to get at him. Fools says that Byrite will have to beat him up, break every bone in his body, chop his legs off, feed him to rabid hamsters etc etc before he will let him hurt Slutty. Promises promises...Then he runs off to track down Maxwell. Slutty meanwhile decides to take matters into her own hands and asks Sham if she can borrow £7k to "do up the kitchen" and turn the Vic into a swanky gastropub or something. Sham asks for a cashflow projection as though she knows what she's talking about. Today Sham is dressed up as a post box.


Adull finds Ash in the kitchen and they have an overacting competition. I don't know who wins but we the viewers are defintely the losers. Basically it goes: Adull "you ruined outr lives, you idiot!" Ash: "It might have worked if I had just had one more shot, plus you are the idiot for giving money to a crazy gamble-o-holic like me." Adull: "Just admit you're an idiot!" Ash: "you're right! I have a gambling problem! boo hoo!" Adull "I'll let you off then!" It also turns out that he wasn't going to commit suicide after all but that Scalliq just misplaced his pills. Whatever.


Sham turns down the loan to Slutty having discussed it Byrite. Doh! Foiled! Byrite sarcastically offers to help with any problems she might have. Slutty is worried that Fool has done a runner but then he turns up, having failed to track down Maxwell. He resigns himself to taking a beating and says he will do anything for Slutty. Anything!! Hint hint! Byrite gives Sham some spa vouchers to get her out of the way while he has his way with Slutty and then drags a couple of brand new heavies around to the Vic. Fool shuts a curtain - hmm, I doubt that is going to soundproof, Fool. Byrite gets out his truncheon (tee hee) and starts chatting about how he is going to do lots of hurty things with it. Slutty gives a secret "OK, I'll shag you, you bastard" hand signal so Bryite says they have got another day to come up with the money and stalks off. This plot is so shit. All they have to do is catch Byrite unawares and smack him around a bit and he will run off crying like he did before...

AND THEY CALL IT MUPPET LOVE
I will confess now: I was busy cooking dinner tonight (last night?), and only saw bits of what was going on. Not that it's ever stopped me before, eh?

Fool discovers that Slutty has pawned her engagement ring to pay off Byrite, and tells her not to worry her pretty little head about him: he'll find a way. Then every time I looked in after that, he seemed to be trying to get Maxwell to pawn his silver hammer or calling a loan shark. Slutty says: "No loan sharks. Especially ones that don't fancy me.", and calls Byrite for a Secret Meeting. Byrite sets up a Sinister Gangland-type scene which appears to involve the Brand New Heavies carrying a semi-conscious man into the betting shop and Byrite saying: "How many times have I told you? Take the cat food round the back! Oh, I'm sorry Slutty...didn't see you there...no rest for the wicked, eh?" He tries to comfort Slutty in her hour of distress, but she tells him to keep away, and runs back to tell Fool to pack his bags. Fool looks tired and tells her that he's done with running away, and if Byrite wants to set his ninja kittens on him, let him. Slutty holds Fool's head to her heaving breast, tells him that everything's alright, and looks 'thoughtful', yet 'determined'.

Hey guess what everyone! Martin and Moomin want to get married as soon as possible! Why, I have no idea: the tax breaks can't be that great on a fruit and veg stall, and they're already shagging. So anyway, the really bad news is that they want to get married in Southend - Gomorrah of the East. There are many things you can do in Southend, but getting married is not the one that immediately springs to mind. Maybe they've got a thing about piers, Force 10 gales, rain and goose pimples...the mucky pups. Dot is shocked that they don't want a church wedding because it would be too much fuss, and Moomin wants Jim to give her away. Umm...you don't actually need anyone to give you away in a civil ceremony, Moomin love. Dot and Poline have a Mother-of-Bridezilla summit, divide the flower arranging/catering duties, and call in the Comedy Vicar. Moomin and Martin look slightly annoyed that the family might want to get involved in their wedding.

Backstreet (Martin's best man) is still bouncing around the square, shadow boxing, huffing, and looking as physically imposing as the Very Hungry Caterpillar. Denman suggests he goes and talks to Teen about how he feels. Use the "Use me instead..." line, Backstreet. Teen gently knocks him back, telling him that he's like a brother to her (Backstreet does not riposte with :"Like that stopped Denman and Shazz..." Shame). Then she goes back to ogling her mother's sloppy seconds. Ugh. Denman himself gets knocked back by a lairy bride-to-be on her hen night ("No thanks Mr Desperate"), and decides to take up Teen's offer of a drink. Teen has been raiding her mother's wardrobe again, but I like her hair.

O-Den staggers into the niteclub, carrying a box of hairdryers for LadyDen. LadyDen approves. Next.

Back to the Ferreiraz and their mortgage arrears cliffhanger. Today is the day that they pay off the arrears, and they've got their best denims on to impress the Building Society Man. Ash still needs to find the remainder, and what do the muppets do? They entrust the money to a gambler. Off he trots to the bookies, where it gets even more Runyonesque. Nicely Nicely Billy looks concerned as Ash first loses (Yay!), then wins (Boo!), then bets his last £1500 on a horse called Safe As Houses, which even Jim can see is a bad idea. The bookie regulars (including Winston) look concerned as Sucker Bet Ash yells at Nicely Nicely Billy when Billy won't accept his marker or something. Byrite says: "take the money. Bwahahaha". Ash loses. He staggers home, downs half a bottle of bad whisky, and confesses to the Kidz. I would have cared once, honest...

YOU BETTER, YOU BETTER, YOU BET
DJ Ross, Scalliq and Karrena all sit in a row on the sofa like three wise monkeys (apart from the "wise" part) and bemoan their financial situation. Ash comes in and shouts at them for giving up - they need £500 by tomorrow - and says he will sort it out with his super stud powers. There is an advert for horseracing on the telly so I wonder what is going to happen? Hmmm.

LadyDen has a Beauty Summit with Kyert and convinces her to let her open a hairdressing bit in the Klaw Klub. She then goes and presents O-Den with a bill for all the curlers and hairdryers and stuff she will need and says he isn't allowed to buy her dodge shite off the back of a lorry.

Ash goes to the betting shop and shouts tourette-ishly at Billy to extend his line of credit. He bets on loads of races and loses them all. Doh! He goes home and tells the others that he can get the money tomorrow.

It is Laura's funeral on Friday. A-Garrry and kinder, gentler Sullen say they will attend but Ian won't. Ian takes Kyert out for dinner and moans about all the bad luck he has had with laydees. Kyert says she just wants to be myerts.

The Triumphant Triumvirate of Juhneen Haytas meet in the caff. Pat says that life goes on, etc. She runs into Tink and he makes cryptic comments that lead one to believe that he will buy the car lot. Nat recruits Pat to help her bust into Juhneen's house so they can liberate Barry's ashes and give him a proper funeral, thus preventing his fat, annoying ghost from haunting the square forever! They find the ashes and Pat also finds one of her fave handbags! Class!

Bad Brutha writes a melodramatic letter to Jack and then packs a bag and says he is going to stay with Dr Perv for a while. He doesn't say where Dr P is though, sadly. Nat reads the letter, is touched and asks BB to come with her and Pat. They sprinkle the ashes on Baz's shrub next to Losers Bench. Everyone is still pretending that Baz wasn't a hateful loser bastard that they all hated when he was alive, btw. Nat says buh-bye to Bad Brother and drives away. BB goes off to join the French foreign Legion with Dr Perv for a bit. That's that, then...

Fool, Slutty, money problems. Slutty tries to get Fool to sell Mr Ethel 2.0's war medals but Fool can't go through with it. Slutty is mean to Byrite Andy but then is nice to him when she realises how fucked they are. She pawns her engagement ring (and lies to Fool about it), puts on her Trinity leather jacket and goes to see Byrite. She offers him the few hundred squids from the ring but he just shouts about how humiliated he was when she jilted him and says he doesn't want her money, just her sweet booty. Byrite does his normal thing of suddenly bulging his eyes to show how badass he is - it is like when Busted pull random punk rock faces in their videos.

WHEN YOU GOTTA GO
Juhneen is running through the night. Run Juhneen! Find Pat and get her to save your skin!

While Juhneen's running, let's get the subsidiary plotlines out of the way.

Fool hands Byrite this week's payment. Byrite says: "Ta very much. I'll have the lot next week if you don't mind. Or I keel you. I keel you very dead...no?" Fool must be the only person in the East End...nay...the country...who is scared of Byrite. Even Terence the dog gives him the runaround, ferchrissakes.

LadyDen is bitching about Shazz's control freakery at the club. Ian introduces LadyDen - a "qualified beautician and hairdresser" - to Kyert The Nails. Den looks shifty. I think you might be right about the doxy, readers.

Martin and Moomin announce their betrothal. Everybody celebrates. We know it's all doomed, but Moomin looks quite pretty so let her have her moment before Martin dies horribly in a bizarre gardening accident.

OK, back to the main event. Juhneen runs to Pat, and tries at length to persuade her not to fit her up. First we get the lengthy dragging up of the past and blaming of Furwank for being too busy shagging Pat to attend Juhneen's birth (or something like that, the baby was crying at the time). Pat's face stays stony, and she keeps saying that Juhneen has to learn not to be so evil. Juhneen says: "OK, I've learned my lesson now. Killing people bad. Can you call the police and change the story please?". Pat says nope, she has to go to prison where all the bad girls go. Juhneen turns on the vulnerable little girl act. She used to scratch her name into the house bricks with her bare, bloodstained fingers in the hope it would bring Furwank back. Pat's stony face shows signs of cracking, but then Juhneen says: "Do something right for once in your life, and keep me out of prison". I don't think I've seen anything freeze as fast as the lines around Pat's mouth. Juhneen is handed her bag and escorted out of Pat's flat, with a little shove on the way out, like she was a recalcitrant cat or something. Pat is bad and still a goddess.

Juhneen then goes over to Bad Brutha's. She offers BB half of the Baz Empire and more besides. She wants to do the nasty with him over and over again so it'll be just like it was before. BB is tempted for about a nanosecond, and then decides that she's not as good a kisser, and anyway, she screwed things up for him and Nat, and therefore must be punished. Juhneen throws a lovely screaming fit, then tries to get BB to call his "contacts" and spirit her away. BB says: "Nah...you're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit", and out she goes.

BB scoots over to Pat's and finds Nat there, not-quite-gloating, but nearly. They work out that Juhneen's about to do a runner and stare pathetically at the phone. Nat utters an "oh REALLY" tut and calls the police.

Juhneen hurriedly packs a suitcase, knocking Bazza's ashes over symbolically as she scrabbles for the luggage. Then she realises that she can pack more money if she ditches all the family photos, and casts Rickay, Liam and Furwank to the floor. Oooh! She's really baad and heading on the highway to hell! Hurry up and arrest her DS Fat Northerner, before it's too late!

In roll the police, and the whole square gathers on the pavement to watch. It's not a footy night then. Juhneen escapes down one of those famous East End backstreets that coppers never know about until it's too late, but then a constable catches sight of her creeping theatrically behind the crowd, who are all gawping at Casa Evans, and grabs hold of her. The Triumvirate of Treachery rounds the corner as Juhneen is caught, and BB can't look. She shakes her suitcase in frustration, it snaps open and thousands of pounds flutter out. Strangely enough, none of the crowd go crazy and start trying to catch it, like they would in Peckham (praying for Juhneen's immortal soul while doing so, of course). Not even Fool. Juhneen manages to escape from two burly coppers and beg Pat one final time to release her from the grip of HMP Lakeland For Bad Girls. Pat grinds her ciggie beneath her slippered foot and shrugs. Nat smirks evilly as Juhneen is recaptured and dragged screaming into the police car. The car starts up, the crowd parts and everybody stares at her as she quakes in her handcuffs and whispers: "But I didn't do it..." to nobody in particular.

MOOMINTROLL BETROTHED
Oh good! The Ferrieras are back with their heart-stopping mortgage arrears storyline. DJ Ross sells his two turntables and a microphone so Kareena sneaks off and sells the Magic Emerald. They still haven't got enough money. Maybe someone could sell a kidney too! It's about time we had another kidney storyline!

All the Slaters are moaning that Bobby kept them awake all night. Sullen is still being heartless. In other Slater news, Backstreet thinks that Teen is over Denman but then Kellay tells him that she isn't. Backstreet is sad.

LadyDen keeps following Shazza around and helping with the club. Shazza makes hacky faces and grinds her teeth a lot. Maybe she is on speed. she gets all "This is my club so mind your own business and take your narrrsty corkscrew perm somewhere else, beeyatch" so LadyDen moans to O-Den and makes O-den tell Shazza that actually LadyDen paid for the refurb of the club and thusly is a part owner. Shazza shouts "never! it's mine! all mine!" and runs off to hide. I can't decide yet if LadyDen is annoying.

Juhneen is released from the slammer and instantly phones Pat. Pat isn't picking up. she runs around looking for her and eventually goes to the Vic. It goes quiet and everyone stares at her. There is an actually witty moment when Kyert is at the bar about to buy a drink for Ian. She says "What do you fancy?" while the Bealemeister is staring at Juhneen. Juhneen starts shouting that yes! she is free! and she doesn't know why everyone is suddenly feeling sad when they spent the last year ignoring Simpleton and letting Simplet Freak Genetic Experiment practically starve to death. Everyone looks guilty. As well they might.

Rain Man charlie idiot-savantly points out that Bobby is a liddel baby alone in the world so Sullen starts being nice to Bobby and helps A-Garrry look after him.

Pat is sad about Simpleton (still!) and reminisces about the time she stopped Pat moving to Beckton. Nat is sympathetic - she says Pat should go into town and shop and then go and stay with her and Jack. Pat agrees.

Kyert and Ian discuss Simpleton's death. Kyert says that Ian shouldn't feel guilty and Ian makes a hilarious face like "what is the meaning of "guilt", captain?" Kyert tells a depressing story about some kid dying of leukemia (cheers Kyert!) and then Ian strokes her hand.

It is Moomin's birthday. Dot and Jim buy her a PDA type thing but I bet it is just a pastic pencil case that looks like a PDA. Moomin remembers how sad she was last year and wonders where she will be next year. M-Martin looks "thoughtful". Later on he talks to Jim and says that he is worried about holding Moomin back and not being enough for her blah blah blah. Jim says that the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself. Martin therefore accosts Moomin when she gets home from work and drags her off to the allotment. The shed is lit up with fairylights and there are candles everywhere. Either he is going to propose to her or else he is going to sacrifice her to a primal fertility god... oh, it's a proposal. He says he wants to be there when Moomin is having bad times (say, a teen pregnancy and having her boyfriend run over) and that he wants to buy her things from shops. Seriously. Moomin says yes, Jeesus, they have only been going out for five minutes. I bet they get married in two weeks time too.

Juhneen is getting increasingly frantic looking for Pat. She grabs Natalie off the street and offers to give her and Pat ?40k if Nat can talk Pat into changing her story. Natalie doesn't see why she should help Juhneen and doesn't believe that a) Pat is lying and b) Juhneen is telling the truth. She says that Pat is in hiding and Juhneen becomes even more frantic and runs off, somewhere. Nat makes a hard face and shouts "It's over, Juhneen! It's OVAH!!!"

YOU IS MAH WIFE NOW...
DS Fat Northerner and DI Chris De Burgh call on Juhneen at dawn to take her down to the station. Juhneen is all "but I've still got loads of Bazza's junk to chuck out before I hotfoot it to Spain. Can't it wait?" The coppers say no, and into the Black Maria she goes.

O-Den introduces LadyDen to the little Wattses: "Hi kids! Here's your new mother!" None of them are impressed, particularly Shazz. Denman disappears off to spar with Backstreet, leaving Vickney alone with LadyDen, while Shazz brats at O-Den in the kitchen. It's all about Shazz, this is, apparently. She seems outraged that her father might have had sex a few times in the last 14 years, and that he might even have got married. What is she? 12? Den tries to tell her to get over herself in the nicest way possible, and argues that at least LadyDen can look after him in his old age, leaving Shazz to concentrate on her own life/kids/whatever. Shazz looks all tragic at the mention of children, relents (but only after another six hours of jaw quivering. Poor ODen), and tells ODen he's on a warning. Meanwhile LadyDen gets Vickney to "show her around", and they bond over the weirdness of Den. Vickney even chucks a couple of non-speaking losers off Loser's Bench and introduces LadyDen to her grandad's memorial. Welcome to Weird Family Central, LadyDen!

OK, back to Juhneen. The police ask Juhneen about her relationship with Simpleton. Juhneen tries to make out that Simpleton was crayzee, but the police say: "We know about the Bealemeister, you lying skanky 'ho". Juhneen pulls her comedy "foiled!" face.

Speaking of hos. Slutty isn't quite sure how to talk to Teen about this fascination with her sloppy seconds. Teen is wearing a super-slutty frilly halterneck thing to entice Denman. Backstreet scowls and skulks around in the back, snapping like a wounded terrapin.

Bad Brutha bumps into Nat on the way to the station. Nat's on her way to Pat's to gloat about Juhneen. Nat says she hope Juhneen goes daaahn, but worries about her getting off scot free again. Pat purses her lips and says: "nah, she's gonna go dahn" in a spooky voice.

Meanwhile Juhneen lies some more about how she got scratched. DI Chris de Burgh threatens her with DNA tests until she admits that she might have got into a little bit of a slapping match with Simpleton, but she didn't kill her. Honest.

Heartbroken Backstreet tries to beat up Denman during their sparring session. Denman says he didn't know that Backstreet wuvved Teen and it looks like he promises to back off for the sake of male bonding - and maybe he's also conscious of being Slutty's sloppy seconds, I don't know. He shuns Teen in the pub. Teen gets cross and tries to convince him that she's only in it for the casual sex. Yeah, right.

Meanwhile, back at the nick, Juhneen is being grilled by Chris de Burgh, who hasn't quite stooped as low as playing one of his records, but you can tell he's close. She denies killing Simpleton, pointing out that she's sneaky manipulative evil, not violent evil.

Nat agrees to spend the night on Simpleton's Sofabed of Doom. Pat remembers that Bad Brutha gave her Bazlet's Rolex of Destiny, and hands it over. They reminisce fondly about Baz again, and it's a good thing I haven't eaten yet.

Juhneen thinks she's got one over on the police. They tell her that Pat denies seeing her leave Simpleton's. Juhneen shouts: "She lies! It's all lies! You haven't got a thing on me, copper!" Chris smiles, settles back in his chair and says: "We didn't have enough evidence to nail you for murdering Baz, but we've got you bang to rights on this one, Missy. You're nicked!" Oh goody. Juhneen in court. Please don't disappoint us, scriptwriters!

LEOPARDSKIN AVENGER
Pat has spent the night at the B&B. In the morning she does bottom-jaw-wobbly sad acting and phones Ian to tell him that Simpleton is dead. He gives her the day off work but she brave-little-soldiers that she wants to stay busy. She takes Bobby round to the Slaters and explains that AGarry has to be a full time daddy now. Sullen makes lots of hacky faces. Her hair is even more helmut-style than ever. You can change your hair as often as you like love, you're still sacked. Also it is Rain man Charlie's birthday and Slutty gives him an ugly beige scarf.

Teen has spent the night knocking boots with Denman. She tells Kellay that he was a top shag. Backstreet finds out and makes whiny bitch type faces. He tells Denman he is looking forward to their next bout of spa-ing. Oh Backstreet, you are only going to make a fool of yourself. Slutty also finds out and is cross that Teen has shagged another one of her exes (it is crypto incest all over agan...). Teen tells her not to worry and that she can look after herself.

Ladyden snits around the market in a top shop mac, making spiteful faces. O-Den agonises about what to do with her - every time he tries to speak to her she says "Where's my money, bitch?" and stomps off. In the end he has a cunning plan and goes to see her with a cheque for £40k. They banter about old times and then O-Den asks her to stay forevah. She agrees and tears up the cheque. They hug and both make smug faces over each other's shoulders.

Juhneen swans around making excellent comedy faces, dumping all of Barry's things and selling all her assets so she can move to Spain. when she finds out that Simpleton is dead she makes a catty comment and the whole caff has to hold back Pat from smacking her. Pat rescues one of jack's retarded pictures to give to Nat and so BadBro gives her the Magic Watch of Baz-Guilt to give to her as well. Meanwhile, fat northern copper and his cross-eyed sidekick go and interview Pat, Ian (Ian has to admit his whore-mongering - ha ha, that was my fave EE storyline ever) and A-Garrry about Simpleton's untimely death. They all mention the row with Juhneen. Also forensic pathologist Amanda redman (probably) has discovered that Simpleton was smacked around a bit before she died. They go and question Juhneen and catch her out in a lie (Juhneen says she saw simpers last at the club). Juhneen changes her story and says she went round the flat but that Pat saw her leave. The cops go to check with Pat - who just happens to be fondling the magic watch etc etc. Pat says "Why no, officer, I never saw Juhneen leave Simpleton's flat" and pulls mad faces...

THE FULL DIA-MONTY
Juhneen v Simpleton: Countdown to Moider! Simpers and Juhneen keep bumping into each other at various points. Juhneen goes: "Ner ner ner! I'm so successful and you're just Trisha-flicking dole scum" every time she meets Simpleton. Simpleton usually just looks oppressed or makes a weak riposte that Juhneen crushes under her perfectly sculpted stiletto heel, with a wicked chuckle. That bloke who is Ian's mate meets up with Juhneen and suggests they "combine business with pleasure" at the Grand Opening of Angie's Den Mk II.

O-Den winds the little Wattses up by pretending they haven't passed the fire inspection, the wag! I can't exactly remember what the last place looked like, but all they seem to have done is paint the walls orange and put ghastly Changing Rooms-style "artworks" made out of three leaves glued to a bit of cardboard. Denman is happy to be part of the family again, so happy that he only exchanges one longing gaze with Shaz all day. The posters advertising the club's relaunch appear to have only come back on the printers on the day of the launch, and they're horrible to boot. Shaz, this is not the Hacienda: at least their posters were design classics.

Byrite is annoying Sham with his needling about Araminta and slightly too obvious Slutty baiting. Araminta and AGarry circle each other around the Arches like a pair of neutered tomcats. Then Araminta displays his mechanical genius for AGarry to marvel at. AGarry admits that he doesn't know how to ride Mark's motorbike, and Minty offers to teach him. Pat walks in on them grappling with each other and pretending they're riding Highway 51 or something. She tells AGarry to start pulling his weight vis à vis his and Simpleton's rather cute Freak Genetic Experiment, and do a bit of babysitting.

Juhneen goes around bragging about her big business deal to all and sundry. All and sundry tell her that she's mistaken them for people who give a fuck.

It is the night of the relaunch. Gangsta Juley gets rushed by a mob of tiny 15-year-olds, and Teen appears to have gone so mad with the curling tongs that she forgot about her dress and came out in her underwear. Are those real? She tells Backstreet to wear his collar up. Very symbolic.

Simpers has put some slap on, and sips a daiquiri in a dark corner with Pat. It doesn't stop Juhneen ferreting her out and taunting her again. For some reason known only to the scriptwriters, Successful Businessperson Juhneen arranges to sign said contract in the night club, with Ian and Kyert as witnesses. Just as Blokey is about to sign, Simpleton says: "Don't sign with her! She's a crack ho' with cards in the phonebox and everything." Juhneen says: "No I wasn't. Ask anyone." The rest of the club falls silent and says: "ummm...actually..." Simpers runs home to shout at poor AGarry. Juhneen goes back to the signing, but all Blokey is interested in now is doing it 'ho style. Because he's never had the courage to actually speak to a proper real-life 'ho before, and would she be interested in an all-night session. Juhneen's lips disappear, which means she's really really cross.

Meanwhile, a tall thin lady with Alex Kington hair walks into the Vic and starts asking for O-Den. She's sharp, she's sassy, and she's wearing a nice suit. In fact, I'd say she was a LadyDen. LadyDen gets Billy to take her to the club, where she gets taken into O-Den's office. A little bit of expositional conversation later, and it turns out that she's his missus, she left him when she heard that he was going to the airport with a young girl (Vickney), and now she's wants her half of the profits from their Spanish crack den business. Den takes her to the B&B where, alone with TriniDad, she discovers that O-Den has three children (all different mothers), and that he's spent all his money on the club. Oh dear. LadyDen promises to stalk O-Den and start boiling long-eared rodents if he doesn't give her money back soon.

Baby Simplet won't go to sleep, and Simpleton is tired. The doorbell rings, and she thinks it's AGarry, but no, it's Juhneen, and She's Angry (ba-bababah). Juhneen starts laying into Simpleton, calling her a loser, baby, and within seconds it's catfight time! They're pulling hair, chucking toys, rolling around on the floor...until Juhneen's street survival skills triumph again, and she's holding Simpers by the throat. But she doesn't kill Simpleton. Instead she vows to watch her crawl around in the gutter and laugh. Thought she was doing that already? Anyway, she bumps into Pat on the way out, and yells: "the bitch deserved it!" Simps is crying. Pat chases after Juhneen. Simpers phones her mum, but apparently her father can't live with the shame of a grandchild born out of wedlock because they're actually members of a tiny religious cult that believes that the Day of Reckoning will come and it will be like the Sixties never happened and the Daily Mail shall reign supreme. She decides to call Ian and tell him that the Simplet is his child. How does she prove this, I've no idea.

Ian's over at Kyert's. Now, I wouldn't have put Kyert down as a Joe Jackson fan, but there he is, warbling in the background while Ian dodges shiftily about the Juhneen/ho question. Detective Kyert doesn't notice his shiftiness, but persuades him to go

Pat's at Juhneen's, telling her that Simpleton is punching way above her weight, and Juhneen should stop crushing her like a bug because it's not fair. Juhneen says that Simpleton started it and calls Pat a sad old loser. Eventually they start on Bazza, and Pat accuses Juhneen of pushing Bazza over a cliff. Juhneen corrects her and says that he fell, but she did run down to the bottom of the cliff to watch him die. Pat reels from this one and says that Juhneen was always a strange child. She always wondered why, and now she realises it's because Juhneen is in fact 100% pure unadulterated eeeevil.

Denman saves Teen from Scalliq's drunken fumbling. Teen carries on shaking her booty with Denman, while poor Backstreet's collar droops disconsolately.

Ian realises that Kyert's not going to come across until he deals with Simpleton's last request. Siimpleton is busy writing a "Dear Ian, It's your kid..." note, and doesn't answer the door. Then she realises that it's Ian, runs to the door, slips on one of the Simplet's toy engines and hurtles to her doom. Pat comes home to find Simplet squalling like a good 'un and Simpleton lying at the bottom of the stairs. Pat sobs: "nooooo!"