RUN FOR YOUR WIFE (AND HER SISTER)
The Good Sister/Baad Sister battle is on. Drippy is wearing my favourite flowery skirt - as if she'd shop at John Lewis, EE producers! Anyway, she has teamed it up with a pink jacket and top which I wouldn't be seen dead in. All she needs are tiny cartoon birds tweeting around her head, and the effect is complete. Gran whisperer Slutty, on the other hand has been using stall profits to restock her wardrobe with 80s dominatrix gear, complete with tiny leopard print mini skirt that I haven't seen outside a Yazz video circa 1990.

So, poor Fool shuffles between the two like a confused poodle. First he and Slutty are going on a date, then Drippy strongarms him into a date at exactly the same time. But Ethel 2.0 says she wants to go to the bingo... Slutty tells Drippy she's going out with a mystery man who is separated from his wife. Drippy says: "Oooh, my new man is separated from his wife too...and she was a right old slapper by all accounts." No lights go off in Slutty's head as she's too busy sending Fool off on cutesy treasure hunts around the Square. Fool: worried. Ethel 2.0 cancels the bingo in front of the Slaters, leaving poor Fool with no escape.

Pat's sad because she didn't have a proper 21st birthday in 1962 or whenever it was. Poline suddenly comes over all saintly and arranges a surprise fancy dress party for all the old biddies who used to hate Pat but have now come to acknowledge her as a Goddess. Tony Bennett offers a corner of his club, and Pat comes over all unnecessary as the horrible memories of her real 21st birthday come flooding back just as we were all getting curious (not). So, here it is. Pat missed her 21st birthday because she was too busy arranging a back street abortion for one of Tony's whores. She did so well that Tony offered her a job as Madam In Chief For the Whole East End. There's gratitude for you, eh? But Tony secretly hoped that if he gave her a job, she might fall in love with him instead of Wicksy's dad or Furwank or something like that. Pat looks surprised. Tony looks soppy. He must have been the World's Worst Pimp as well as being the World's Second Worst Gangsta.

Poline and Big Mo have also gone into MechaBridezilla mode for Shazza's wedding. LadyDen calls in Amanda Exposition to sit at the bar and make nasty comments about Shazza. Amanda also tells LadyDen that she needs ODen's signature to sell the Vic. LadyDen says that might be a bit difficult and forges ODen's signature while Amanda whitters on about having her lawyer's reputation on the line etc. Given that she came up with that nutty scheme to expose ODen as a loathsome Lothario if he didn't sign over his life to LD, I think LadyDen might be onto a loser there.

Everybody says: "But she's your...ummm...ahhhh...that's lovely..." when Shaz and Den announce their plans. Even Poline caves in at the chance of being a MechaMotherBrideZilla again. Denman tries to assert himself as Shazza starts talking about churches, big cakes and wedding lists at Argos. And wins. Like that would happen in real life.

Fool persuades Ian to cook two romantic meals and then runs between Slutty and Drippy while Drippy is supposed to be tending to a sick Stacey. We don't find out if he gets lucky twice in one evening, but Slutty and Drippy are both all: "La la laaa! Hello Sky! Hello Flowers!" on Friday morning. Fool gets everybody to wash and iron some t-shirts that he ruined in a water fight with Slutty. Billy dresses up as a dog to scare some toddlers at Bobby's birthday party. They were probably expecting Clifford the Big Red Dog, but they got Billy the moth-eaten old mange-bag. Ian congratulates PJane on her child-pleasing skills.

Drippy thinks that with Fool, Drippy, Slutty and Billy being such good friends, nobody would mind if she went public about Fool. Yes Fool, she is mad. Walk away now.

Nobody is telling Demi about Lear's imminent removal to Scotland, so she skips off to another secret rendezvous. Dasbo (new name for Dumber, because he isn't that dumb) , finds out that Lear is being spirited away and grasses.

BEALE-FU HUSTLE
Everyone wonders where Curly and Lee have gone. ETina finds a gun in Tony Bennet’s pants (either that or he is really pleased to see her) and is shocked and appalled. Tony Bennett says he didn’t do anything to them and ETina doesn’t believe him. ETina has apparently been spending her new EE salary at the tanning shop, btw. Ethel 2.0 tells Fool that the boys have gone on holiday at short notice, but then someone explains that Tony’s house was burnt down and Fool fears the worse – he has a “dramatic confrontation” with Tony Bennett where he slobbers and spits a lot. I spend the whole scene wanting to wipe his mouth with a hanky. Tony Bennett says he wanted to kill them but would have been the obvious suspect and so let them go. Later on Fool gets a phone call from Lee, explaining that they have just done a bunk. Phew. Fool says that Tony Bennett is doomed to burn in hell anyway. ETina is not that bothered. Later on Tony moans about having to stay with Pat and Billy and ETina tells him off for being grumpy. He apologises and him and Pat reminisce about the old times.

Ian has a bratty fit when Mo makes fun of him and bars her from the caff. Panto Jane tells him to get a grip so he has another bratty fit and goes home to cry or rock back and forth in a corner or whatever. When PantoJane goes home he has decided that the whole family will attend an Aikido class so they can have fun together and he will learn to chill out. There is lots of talk about how aikido is non violent and gentle – hmm yes, that must be why the Japanese riot police learn it… also, is it really wise to teach your demonic superchildren to be able to kill with their bare hands? Just a thought, Ian. Anyway, Ian is a girly swot and pretends that he knows everything about aikido, even when the instructor (who looks like a member of Franz Ferdinand) throws him roughly to the ground a few times. After that, he calms down and they all have fun. Hopefully this plot will resolve itself with Ian throwing Fill through a plate glass window, into a swimming pool, or through a plate glass window into a swimming pool.

Demi has a secret meeting in the park with Lear, who has been given a black eye by Angry Dad. Rosie Klebb finds out when Slutty accidentally grasses them up and her and Dolescum Keef march down to the park to drag her home before he can impregnate her again. Dumber runs down first and tells them to split, but it is too late. They drag Demi home and have an ear-splitting row while Lear accuses Dumber of being a grass. Dumber tells Lear that he ought to shop his dad to the social for being a child batterer. Demi has just about convinced the parents that Lear is alright and deserves to see baby Aleesha when Dumber and Lear start having fisticuffs. They all run outside, start screaming again and shout at Lear that he will never set foot in Walford again! Never!

The love quadrangle continues anon. Drippy says to Fool that she is going to tell Billy that it is ovah between them as it has “gone on long enough”. You can say that again, Drippy. In fact, it has gone on much much too long already. Billy thinks that he is still in with a shot until Drippy takes him to the park and breaks his heart into thousands of tiny pieces. Good. I am sick of the lot of them. Pat comforts him (Ewww, not like that!) but then Kat says that she thinks Drippy still loves him and Billy decides that he does still have a chance. Aaargh! Will this torment never cease? Meanwhile Drippy tells Fool that he has to tell Slutty that she categorically has no chance of getting back with him. Fool asks her to come round for a special chat but when she shows up, Ethel 2.0 is acting all mental and distressed again. Perhaps she needs a new washer in the tap in her head. Ethel won’t talk to Fool but Slutty calms her down and finds out what is wrong – it turns out she got a crick in her neck and couldn’t put on her tights or something. I hate it when that happens. Fool is so impressed by Slutty’s gran-whisperer powers that he can’t dump her and says that he called her over to ask if she would help look after Ethel 2.0. Slutty agrees and thinks that their relationship is back on track. A nation sobs helplessly.

Denman and Shazza are tempestuous etc. Shazza has done something quite strange and Veronica Lake-y to her hair. Your 1940s switchboard operator drama is long finished, Shazza! It is time to move on! Denman is cross because he thinks Shazza doesn’t ever want to leave Walford so he hides in Dot’s kitchen and scrubs her cupboards for her. Shazza says that she does want to leave, but not just yet and with frequent trips back to Walford. She gets loads of boxes of doilies and nicknacks out of storage and Denman is cross again because she never told him she was going to do it. They argue that Denman is untidy and keeps forgetting to change their tickets. LadyDen spends all this time being chatty and pleasant and then making hacky faces and grinding her teeth whenever their backs are turned. It turns out that she wants to sell the Vic, pronto! You can’t SELL the Vic, you have to lose it in a game of poker or twister something. It’s the law! Shazza tells LadyDen that she wants to spend the rest of her life with Denman so LadyDen runs upstairs and tells Denman that Shazza wants to marry him. Bitch! Denman has a mentalist episode and starts muttering “It’s like Teen all over again! The lies! I can’t stand it!” He has a row with Shazza about how he can’t trust her and she is manipulating him and tells her to pack her bags so they can go to Greece. Shazza throws a glass at his head. Everyone in the Vic can hear them. LadyDen rubs her hands together and would no doubt twiddle her moustache if she had one. Shazza runs off to Losers Bench and Denman grabs some cash from the bookies and runs off to the tube station. Shazza sees that the bag and tickets are gone and thinks that he has run off. She debates whether or not to go to the airport while Poline and LadyDen lurk around like little cartoon angels and devils muttering “Go!” “Stay!” “Go!” “Stay!” etc. In the end Shazza decides to go and LadyDen punches the air. She is about to leave when she runs into Pat who tells him that Denman has just got back from somewhere. Shazza tracks him down and gives him a slap, but it turns out that he tidied his bag away like a good boy and went to change the tickets as requested and that he wouldn’t go on the lam after a stupid fight as he loves her etc etc. They joke about the marriage misunderstanding and Shazza says “God, no I never want to get married again!” Denman says that her last marriage sucked as it was to “Grunt” (he actually calls him “Grunt”) and then they somehow talk themselves into getting married. I wonder how many nanoseconds it will take to arrange this one? They go to share the news with LadyDen and, yes you guessed it, she makes a happy face and then looks pissed off as soon as their backs are turned.

BURN BABY BURN
Heh, well I'm just as slack as Mark in that I only watched about 45 minutes of EE: the Fall of the House of Moon last week. Well, there was my birthday and the Olympic bid and then some fuckers tried to blow up central London so all in all it was a bit too exciting to be staying in watching telly.

This week I will mostly base my update on a) the 45 minutes of Curly's overacting that I saw and b) the BBC updates.

Monday: Desperate Danny (says the BBC site)
Well, I saw a bit of this. Tony Bennett decides to hold a salsa night to which all the community, even the oldies will come. Despite the fact that salsa nights are ten a penny around London, Curly decides that TB has stolen his idea, and rolls his eyes and shouts a lot to show everybody that he's mad, I tell you, MAD! Bwahaha! Lee is all togged up for an interview at the Job Centre, but Curly's wild antics put paid to all that and he ends up begging LadyDen for another chance or something.

Sham dumps Curly. She's not as dumb as she looks, that girl. She wants a man with more 'ambition', it says here. Nope, Sham, you've got me there love. Now Pat's got the bookie's, maybe lesbianism is the way to go?

Drippy gets some flowers, thinks they're from Fool. They're not, they're from Billeee, who asks her to the salsa night. Drippy: disappointed. Fool: sad. She finds Teen's bracelet behind the now-fixed fruit machine, and LadyDen gets all snappy. Poline tells Shazza that all attempts to leave Walford to frolic in the sun with Denman are DOOMED!

Tuesday: Danny runs riot
More mad Curly. This time he's madly ripping down the salsa night posters. I'm not surprised. They look like Mrs Miggins the choirmistress designed them in AppleWorks v1. Have a word, EE producers. You're supposed to be down the road from Poxditch, where you can throw a Rotring in the air in Shoreditch High St and hit at least seven graphic designer types on the way down.
LadyDen grits her teeth and does a fairly good job of pretending to like Shazz, who is too busy simpering about whether or not she should go to Greece with Denman to notice all the weird twitchy faces and grim smiles. Lee tries to take LD salsa dancing, but Curly gets all weird and crypto on him preferring to go out with LD than Curly, so he makes an excuse.

Poline gets persuaded to go salsa dancing. Curly rips up the poster in the launderette, and evem Denman has to go "Grr! Smash!" to calm him down. Lovely. Lee shouts at Curly and tells him to get lost.

The Bealemeister catches DC Peter playing Devil Ninja Carjacker: East LA and decides that DC Peter would be better off playing badminton. That's right mate, sign the kid's death sentence why don't you? PJane persuades Ian to let DCP do karate.

Thursday: Salsa night in the Square
You'll forgive me for not watching this one under the circs. The salsa teacher appears to be a bloke from Catford in a Louise Brooks wig. He takes a shine to Poline. They're a bit weird that way in Catford. Keith and Patrick play surreal word games in the Vic while LadyDen goes into Twitch Overdrive. She almost confesses all to Lee, but doesn't.

Curly acts mad, does things to Ian round the back of the chip van, and generally enjoys himself with the Ham meter on 11. He shouts a lot: in the club, in the pub, in the square outside TB's house. Then he throws a lighted match on the cheap foam sofa or something, shouts: "wibble!" and runs away.

Friday: Time's Up For Danny
Thank fuck for that. Another ten minutes of full-on overacting, and I'd be ready to kill, I tell you. More shouting. TB forgets that Ruby's safely tucked up in the plot cupboard and runs inside the burning house to rescue her. Curly does lots of twitching and ETina reminds TB that Ruby's in the plot cupboard. TB decides that Curly and Lee Must Pay For Their Crimes, gives them enough time to say goodbye to their loved ones, and drives them off to a dark wood somewhere. Hope it's not the same place that Mad Frankie Knuckles met his doom. It's getting a bit crowded round there. Lots more shouting. Curly screams to relieve the boredom and show off his "panicked" voice for any agents watching. Lee tells TB that he's nothing more than a common criminal thug who likes killing. TB says: "No shit Sherlock" and waves his special multiple killy gun at them both.

Minty and AGarry finally get to share a bed in Gay Pike's old room at Poline's. Fool and Drippy finally get to play tonsil hockey again.

ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A LADYDEN
I managed to watch a grand total of 45 minutes of EE last week and when I tried to tape the omnibus on sunday I accidentally taped the stupid wimbledon final instead. doh. Anyway, Slutty was only foolin' us with her floaty hippy threads and changes into a tuff girl black shiny combo (not sure about the silver pleather belt though), so she can stand by the stall and glare menacingly at Sham and LadyDen. Sham and LadyDen twitch nervously and wonder whether Slutty knows anything. Slutty amuses herself by dropping hints and finally tells LadyDen that - gasp! - she knows everything!!! Slutty gets Sham on her own, makes her cry (and make comical duck faces) and finally forgives her as she fessed up to Teen in the end. Sham goes over to tell LadyDen "I'm off the hook but you're fucked!" Slutty gets LadyDen on her own and starts giving her a hard time re the whole murder death debacle. LadyDen says that if she goes down she is taking Teen with her. Slutty: "Zoay's in Spain, innit!" LadyDen: "Hello! Extradition!" Slutty: "Doh!" Slutty has a think and then starts going "Think of the blood! brains! horror! I'm going to drive you crazy like in a crappy Edgar Alan Poe story! oh yes!" LadyDen twitches like a loon.

More Leo and Demi teen love shenans

There is some nonsense with Tony Bennett and Curly - the handsome idiot brothers are skint so Curly tries to get his job back and suggests all these ideas for the club: Salsa night! (note: that one is important for later) Monkey Tennis! etc etc. Tony gives him some money and tells him to get lost. Curly blows the money on liquor and gamblin', tries to pick a fight with Tony, overacts a bit and ends up in the gutter, both literally and figuratively.

slutty/Drippy/Fool/billy - zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Shazza helps round the vic while LadyDen grinds her teeth and pretends not to mind. Denman says he is going to sell the bookie and Pat is sad. Him and Shazza plan to use the money to travel round the world together (even though shazza doesn't really want to) and Poline is sad and tries to talk her out of it. Suddenly we are Beyond the Valley of the Two Handers again (EE is pushing it's luck with this shit). Shazza and LadyDen talk about O-Den an dmen generally while a cute-ish electrician fixes the fuses or something. Ladyden decides to give Lee a chance. Moomin and PantoJane have a bottle of wine and compare "My Beale-Fowler marriage hell" anecdotes. Best of all, dot and Pat go for a driving lesson and break down in the middle of nowhere. whiel they are waiting, Pat moand about losing her job at the bookies. They talk about their pasts and regrets etc and Dot asks Pat about her hooker shame. Pat has no shame apparently but we all knew that. In the end, Pat reverses the polarity of her earrings and this makes the car go. when they get back to Walford, Dot suggests that Pat buy the bookies and take charge of her own destiny for once. Pat goes for it, Denman accepts and we are all happy.

Finally, LadyDen has her date with Lee. it is all going well but when he tries to slip her the tongue she freaks out, riuns downstairs and starts sobbing on O-Den's concretey grave like she is Clytemnestra in a greek tragedy or something. Steady on, love.