Apologies. I was out last night, and I will be out tonight. I'll do a big update on Sunday after the omnibus

FALL OF THE HOUSE OF SIMPLETON
Simpers is sad because she has run out of teething gel, even though the Simplet looks perfectly fine to me. (Note to scriptwriters: that baby is NOT teething. Your sound people would by now be deaf if he was). Simpleton can't afford to buy any more gel because Evil Juhneen grassed her up to the Dole Narks, and they've taken all her money as punishment or something. Pat offers her a tenner. Simplet thinks: "Oooh! Calpol token!" and grabs it before Simpleton can protest.

Actually the Simplet is growing into quite a cute kid. Not as cute as mine of course, but...

Most of this episode could be sub-titled A Simpleton's Progress. Simpleton whines about having no money, then applies for a job at the Kwik E Mart. Mr Kwik E Mart is very stressed and gives her the job after a cursory interview that appears to be "What's your name? When can you start?". Simplet gets dumped with St Dot while Simpers goes in search of a childminder. How on earth is she going to pay for a childminder on Kwik E Mart money? While she's away, Juhneen, wearing a brand new Scarlet Woman-type coat and super-processed hair, tells Mr Kwik E Mart that Laura's nothing more than psycho cheating dole scum. Mr Kwik E Mart panics and gives the job to Rain Man Charlie instead. Simpers finds out and is cross.

Sullen blames AGarry for Sham sacking Rain Man Charlie. Then Rain Man gets the Kwik E Mart job, and Sullen apologises. Why oh why is she still hobbling around on crutches? And she must be nearly six months gone by now, so where's the bump? Wearing slightly too small shirts to expose a bit of a pie belly is not enough.

O-Den disappears for a "business lunch", which is really an assignation with his doxy of the moment. The Wattseses run the club for a day and everything goes wrong. Ummm...didn't Shazza manage perfectly well before O-Den came back? But they all pull together as a Weird Family, and the burst water main gets fixed. There is a bunch of other buildery-type problems, but even O-Den menacing the Butch Cassidy Building Co fails to excite my interest.

Byrite tries to "persuade" Billy (yay!) to move out of Casa Mitchell. Billy is unintimidated, naturally. Andy, just give up gangstering and do something a little more suited to your abilities, mate. Like crochet. Araminta and Sham are "awkward" around each other. Sham decides to solve AGarry's staffing problem by appointing Araminta as garage manager. What this girl doesn't know about people management...

Juhneen is getting very friendly with this "Business Associate" of Ian's, and they're meeting up at her place to sign a contract. They meet, she does that horrible simpering that passes for flirting, sign a contract, and then she drives off in her scarlet sports car. Business Associate (whose name is Michael) looks like he's in there. On her way back from wherever she's been Juhneen aquaplanes through a handy puddle and soaks Simpleton. Simpleton is very cross and wet. Juhneen mocks her soaked state and gets all Tebbit on her ass. Simpers attacks Juhneen, who uses her ho survival skills to knock Simpleton into a handy roadwork ditch. This sets off the Simplet, and Simpers is crying too. Oh Juhneen, I will miss you so.

SIMPERS' BIG SMACKDOWN
Morning on the Square. Adull's got a stack of dodgy wallets to flog to unsuspecting punters, and Kareena gets a call from the building society bloke, who is in the area and wants to come and check up on them. He tells the Kidz that they've been so busy collecting the big payment cash that they've forgotten to make the monthly payment, and without that, they'd better call Centrepoint now. Adull's alone on the stall, which makes him easy prey for evil 1950s delinquents, who run off with his wallets. It's all down to Ash to make up the difference. I mean, DJ Ross did nothing but watch daytime TV for a fortnight, surely he could have got them to call one of those loan shark companies, or tripped Scalliq up in the street to get some compensation off the council instead of all this malarkey.

Simpleton tries to get some more work off Fool, but, mindful of the Curse of the Slaters, Fool promises to recommend her to any other East End pub, but not the Vic. A sniffy grey-haired bloke bumps into Simpers, then questions Fool about the type of cleaner he takes on. Oh no! It's a Benefit Fraud Nark! Anyway, Juhneen floats around looking evil all day, and trying to make Simpleton feel sad with nasty comments about money and Simpers' lack of it. Simpleton just sticks with the "at least I'm not a crack ho'" comments, which seem to work very nicely thank you.

Ian keeps bothering O-Den about asking Kyert out. O-Den tells him to shut up with the teenage whingeing and just ask her. Then he finds out who Ian's talking about, and tells him not to hold his breath. O-Den is cool again.

Tink takes Fool and Slutty out for lunch and a trip on the London Eye, leaving Backstreet in charge. Strangely, nothing chaotic happens, apart from Backstreet's attempts to impress Teen. Teen fantasises about Denman's manly shoulders while Backstreet flexes his bicep.

Byrite's looking for Araminta, when he sees him coming out of the caff with Sham. Somehow he guesses that Something Happened between Minty and Sham, and quizzes Sham. Sham says it was nothing. Minty apologises, and waits for Byrite's revenge. However, Byrite seems to have lost the key to his box of death-dealing winged monkeys ("Fly my pretties..."), and tells Araminta to go and drink in another pub instead. Oh for God's sake, Andy, act like a real gangster for once and cut his hand off with a pool cue or something. Jesus.

Ash, meanwhile, is reading Bad Brutha's racing form on the sly. BB gives him a tip for the 3.30 at Wincanton. Ash puts a whole month's wages on said tip, and it romps home (amazing). BB tries to persuade him to stay for the 5.30 race, but Ash controls his urges and goes home to slap the money on the table, thus saving The House of Ferreira. Oh joy.

Business Barbie Sham tells AGarry to sack Rain Man Charlie for being a Rain Man. AGarry tries to do it nicely, but then Sham steps in and sacks Rain Man for her. Charlie is angry with AGarry. Why? it was Sham wot sacked him...oh yes...sorry, he's stupid Daily Mail Island Man.

Snitty Dole Fraud Nark calls Simpleton in for an interrogation. She breaks down and admits to working at the Vic. Nark says she has to pay her money back, and a fine besides. Simpers is sad because it means she can't buy nice things for Little Simplet any more. She storms into the pub and accuses Fool of grassing her up. Fool denies everything and notices Juhneen in the corner, smiling evilly. Simpers screams and overacts like crazy. Juhneen says; "Yes I grassed you up! And I'm glad I did it! I'm going to ruin your life like you ruined mine...bwahahahahahah!" Class!

CRY (OH) GOD FOR FOOL, WALFORD AND ST GEORGE
So, Byrite wants £560 quid from Fool and Slutty before he takes Sham out to dinner at 6pm, or he gets to jump Slutty's bones or Fool dies or something. Slutty tries to talk him round, but he just licks his lips lasciviously and twirls his moustache. Then a plot contrivance that a few months ago would have been called lame, but after the Ferreiras anything is possible, appears. Mickney and Mo are unsuccessfully trying to flog red rose badges in the market "for St Georges' Day". No, really, bear with me on this one. It gets worse. Fool uses some of the Byrite money to buy the roses off Mickney and Mo, and stages a full-on St Georges' Day celebration in the Vic. Slutty shouts at him for being a Fool. But undaunted, he drapes himself in the England flag and goes off on a stream of word association: "steak and kidney pie...eels and mash...Jonny Wilkinson...three lions on the shirt...Jules Rimet still gleaming..." that hypnotises the regulars into buy hundreds of duff red rose badges and drinking cider.

Meanwhile Andy tells Araminta to keep Sham occupied for the day. Byrite's supposed to be taking her out shopping, but he decides to do a bit of moustache-twirling at home instead, so he give Mints a wodge of cash and tells him to show Sham a good time. Araminta says to Sham: "Enough of that faaancy shopping malarkey. Let's go and eat chips and drink cider in the park like tramps!" Sham gleefully agrees, and they go off to the Park of Contrivance to discuss relationships and shout incoherently at passers-by.

Scalliq and DJ Ross nervously approach Big Bad O-Den for a gig at the newly revamped club. O-Den is in a bad mood and is eating decorators for breakfast. Scalliq says: "But we looked after Vickney while your other two children were shagging each others' brains out", and gets a free trial gig on the opening night.

St Georges' Day in the Vic is hotting up. Fool's Paul McKenna-like hypnotic powers even get the punter drinking duff cider from the darkest depths of the cellar and singing "Land of Hope and Glory". I feel sick, and it's not the cider. Sham and Araminta look on approvingly and drink more cider. Maybe the park keeper threw them out or something. Sham reveals that her ideal relationship involves a fitted kitchen. Hmmm...a psychotherapist would have a field day with that one.

Slutty says; "but we're a huge wodge of cash short!" in front of Araminta. Araminta remembers his wodge from Byrite and throws it into the Moon's biscuit tin. Later he tries to kiss Sham, and runs away when it all goes horribly wrong.

Slutty and Fool go over to Andy's bearing the Biscuit Tin of Destiny. Andy taunts them, Slutty hands over the cash, and the Moons scarper. They then do a Moon victory dance and snog publicly in MacArfur Park.

Mark went all Victorian in his final moments and requested a full-on family will-reading, with Ian, Shazza and AGarry in attendance. He divided his money up between several AIDS charities, then he gave Vickney, Martin, Ian and Poline £5K each. Like Ian needs it (go Simpers! Grab it!) . Poline is ordered to spend it on herself and having a good time. The cardigan shops of London prepare their tills for a shopping spree. Shazza gets his record collection (woo hoo), and AGarry gets the bike with the proviso that he treats it better than he treats his women. Martin seems OK with this, the fool. Poline looks sad, but then everybody decides to go to the pub to toast Mark's memory. She looks lovingly at a publicity photo from his Tucker's Luck days (ahhh! wasn't he cuuute), and waves goodbye. Look Pol, he's in a better place: with Irene and Michael Rose and assorted Hollyoaks rejects at Sun Hill.

THIS MARKY’S GONE TO HEAVEN PART 2: ELECTRIC FUNEROO
By Mark
It is the day of Mark’s funeral. Contrary to what I had heard, the only “face from the past” that shows up is Dr Leg. What a con. I was hoping for Portishead Ruth and Diane-droid to show up too.

Slutty follows Fool around nagging him about the money until he admits finally that yes, he is in total hock to Byrite Andy. He mutters a few platitudes about being able to sort it all out with his cockernee Moon charm and Slutty says “Yes dear” and looks thoughtful. She goes to see Andy and asks him to cut them some slack seeing as how they looked after him when he was beaten up. Andy repeats the Indecent Proposal, shagging = cash offer and Slutty shrieks that he is disgusting and runs away. Meanwhile Fool pays Simpleton £30 cash in hand to do some cleaning and Juhneen spots her and grasses her up to the social security office. Cow.

Mickney has some comedy scenes with Big Mo, Teen continues to lech over Denman and Backstreet’s boxing training and then goes home to write "slash fiction" about them and post it on the internet. Maybe.

Before the actual funeral, Martin is sad as there were letters from Mark for Pike and Poline but nothing for him. He says he won’t speak at the funeral. They all get togged up in black and Poline wears a numpty hat.

Big car, flowers, funeral-o-rama. Everyone goes apart from the Ferrieras and the Moons. Poline wants to walk alone with the hearse and everyone else drives in the big cars. At the funeral, Mark’s nurse from the orspital shows up and says that Mark used to talk about Martin all the time – he gives Martin a letter from Mark that got separated from the others. Martin gets up and makes up a speech about weeding or something. He is not bad this episode. More funeral sadness.

Afterwards they all go to the Vic apart from Martin who goes and hides out at home. O-Den goes and sits with Poline and tells a nice story about Mark playing football in the mud when he was a kid. Pike finds out that Mark conisdered him family and says that yes, he is glad to be fake Fowler (Faux-ler?). Freak. Moomin goes to get Martin and finds him sat clutching the Letter. He is too nervous to read it. Moomin Powers Activate!!! She takes the letter and reads it out to him. It is basically Mark saying nice things about Martin. She gets to the part where Mark gives him advice about chicks (from mr loverman (shabba!) Mark? Yeah right) and is too shy to read that bit so Martin reads it out. Basically Mark says that a good heart is hard to find and that if Martin meets a special laydee he should keep hold of her. Martin tells Moomin that he lurves her. Moomin lurves him back. They go to the Vic.

Poline gives a little speech and says that Mark would want everyone to be happy and have a nice time. They play "The Days" by Kirsty McColl and Poline dances with Pike. They see Martin and Sonia come in with their arms round each other and all smile at each other. Nicely done but still not the Biggest EE Funeral Evah!

THE BEALEMEISTER RETURNS
Sorry, I was busy fixing my mum's computer last night, and forgot to tune in. So, here's the crib from the BBC.

So it seems that Slutty never encountered ninja kittens while she was Byrite's goomah, and she wants to know who did this to her Fool. Fool finally admits that he got a loan off a shark,and has been a bit behind with the payments. Slutty does a bit of Girl Detectiveing, and then Byrite makes it easy for her by getting Fool to talk about the rescheduled loan payments while she's hiding behind a curtain or something. In a nutshell, Slutty KNOWS!

Anyway, they've got more pressing problems. Kellay wants to move in with Teen. Possible resurfacing of unlikely manhands lezzer sub plot alert! Slutty says no way, so Kellay has to move into the Slater tardis instead. MY Gus persuades Shazza to take Juley on at the club. The woman is a complete idiot.

Juhneen resurfaces to kick off the Kill Laura plot. Simpleton still can't get a job, and is forced to look outside Walford. In a Job Centre (!!), Juhneen taunts Simpleton, and Simpers says something like: "Well, at least nobody thinks I'm a murderin' crack ho', eh Juhneen?" Juhneen looks evil.

Then Juhneen approaches Ian for his "contacts", but not in that way because she's a respectable businesswoman these days. Simpers can't believe this new Alliance of Evil, and announces that she's told Nat to screw proper maintenance out of Juhneen

Meanwhile, at the Fowlers, Martin only knows one hymn, and it just happens to be the one that Mark sang in church once. Poline has a word with Arfur's Ashes at the allotment, and Martin resolves to be more of a Man. Dot offers comfort, as she does.

Backstreet and Denman "spar" feebly in the gym. The scriptwriters tease us with the prospect of Denman punching Backstreet until he screams for mercy. Teen wants to watch. Backstreet thinks he's in there as Teen imagines Denman sweating mannishly.

WATTS REUNITED
Denman mopes around the B&B. The rest of the Wattseses mope around their house. Shazza and Vickney are sad about Mark. O-Den: not so much. Now it seems that O-Den wants Denman to move back in with them but Shazza doesn't. It's a topsy turvy world and no mistake. Denman comes round squealing that he wants to speak to Shazza but she won't speak to him. Denman melodramatically dumps his keys and says he is leaving FOREVAH!!!

Poline hangs up the phone and moans that Michelle isn't coming back for the funeral. It later turns out that she spent a couple of weeks with Mark recently and just wants to remember him like that. I thought they didn't let people with AIDS into the US? Maybe they met in international waters or something. Lots of people come round and drink tea and are nice to Poline etc.

Juley is being an annoying bastard so Kellay says that either he goes or she does. Gus tells Juley off and Juley says he will make an effort but then goes and puts a bag of make up in with laundry and ruins loads of Kellay's clothes. How is it even possible to do that? Maybe Juley is actually blind - it would explain that outfit he is wearing. Gus is ready to chuck Juley out but then they start talking about a death in their family and Gus can't do it. Kellay says she is moving out then.

Bealemeister tries to ask Kyert out for a meal or a drink but she says no. Ian asks for love advice from O-Den who tells him to just be himself. That would be good advice for anyone apart for Ian.

Charlie continues to "rain man" around the arches. This time he throws away an engine that A-Garrry is working on.

Martin goes to register the death at the town hall. He says he is taking a number 12 bus but I thought that went to Penge or Dulwich or somewhere? He goes AWOL so Pike gets out his tracking device and sets off to find him. The funeral is on Thursday.

Dot is nice to Denman but then Shazza comes in so Denman runs away. Dot makes Shazza sit down and tells her to appreciate her family before they are dead like Mark.

Denman goes to work for Andy and they exchange non-witty non-banter. Byrite has a hilariously misjudged speech where first of all he implies that him, Denman and shazza are in a love triangle ("you bounced between care homes and prison, between me and sharon...") and then describes himself as "Dorothy" and Denman as a cowardly lion. "Friend of Dorothy" more like - Andy is the gayest gangster ever! If he was ever in a "Reservoir Dogs" style heist his codename would be Mr Chartreuse or something. Eventually Denman is told to go and beat up Fool. Denman looks dead eyed, yet adorable, and skips off to obey. Fool is nervous and is obviously expecting to be fed a knuckle sandwitch in the near future. He goes to hide upstairs and Denman follows him up. Fool doesn't think that Denman is the beater-upper until Denman puts on a pair of really gay black leather gloves and grabs Fool by the throat. He waves his fist in Fool's face for half an hour before saying that he can't do it and sitting down to sulk. Fool aks him to beat him up a little bit so that no-one else beats him up properly later. Denman just leaves.

Gay Pike uses his GPS tracker to find Martin in the allotment. Martin is playing with dirt - maybe he is looking for some of that reefer he grew last summer - I wouldn't blame him. It turns outhe is trying to get some dirt from the allotment to put on Mark's grave - he seems to be making hard work of it though. He says he registered the death and cried in the registry office. Pike comforts him and helps him collect dirt.

Denman goes and tells Andy that he can't be a criminal any more now that he has a family (and a hot crypto-sister). He says that he knows Andy is hurtin' after Slutty dumped him but that all he has to do is love people and buy a kitten or something and then he will never want to do crime again. Byrite says he likes being a criminal and that he has a snazzy car and chicks throwing themselves at him etc (actually you just have Sham throwing herself at you, so shut up Byrite). Fool comes round so he can get his beating over an ddone with and Denman pleads with andy not to do it. Andy pretends to agree but then as soon as Fool and Denman leave he sends a Brand New Heavy to rearrange Fool's face. Later on Slutty sees Fool coming out of the bathroom a with a few little cuts and scratches on his face (maybe the heavy threw a ninja kitten at him) and demands to know what is going on.

Shazza finds Denman and begs him to come home. They discuss loving each other ina non-pervy way. In the end they go home and watch telly with O-Den and Vickney. Shazza and Vickney smile simperingly. The end. That was a wierd episode - all the timing and pacing felt off somehow...

GIMME GIMME GIMME A MANDY AFTER MIDNIGHT
Pike and Mandy show up at Poline's cell and Mandy runs off sharpish when he realises that there is a bad family trip going down. In the manner of teenagers all over the world, Martin makes Mark's death all about him. Like, "You knew he was going to die and you didn't tell me! That's, like so unfair Mum!" He whinges on for hours about how Poline wishes he was dead instead of Mark and that Poline thinks he fucks up all the time. He does an impression of Poline, saying "Go to your room, Martin! Shut up, Martin!" Yes, why don't you shut up, Martin? Poline asks if he wanted to find out about Mark's health before or after he was sent to prison and then went on a 1950's crime rampage. Pike tells him to calm down and Martin tells him to fuck off and keep out of proper Fowler family business. In the end Martin runs away and Pike goes off to find him.

Having realised that DYING IS SAD, Jim tells Sonia how proud he is of her and her career etc. Bless.

Yolande tells Trini-dad off for not knowing any of the "Mister and missis" answers about her and says she knows lots of boring trivia about Trini-dad because she lurves him proper. She goes off to get a coffee. Trini-dad is sad.

Martin is walking on a beach like the teen rebel that he is. Not. Pike drives up behind him, making me wonder if they have had Martin electronically tagged so they can track his movements. Pike tells him to chill his boots and go back to be with Poline. Martin acts all arsey and continues with the "you're not my gay dad!" business. He shouts at Pike and then bitch slaps him. Yikes. He taunts Pike to do something to stop him so Pike punches Martin in the stomach. Excellent! - I love Pike and will never say anything mean about him ever again. Possibly. Martin squeals "I'll kill you!" but Pike tells him it is OK to be angry. Martin cries and Pike hugs him. At some point they have a discussion where Pike explains that sometimes people tell lies to spare people's feelings - which Martin thinks is bad and wrong, but I have got the chronology all mixed up...

Martin goes and sits with Poline. Poline is v sad and reminisces about Mark. She tells Martin that he was never the "wrong son" but that she can't bear to have outlived one of her kids. Good work from Wendy Richards there.

Pike goes to see Mandy and says he has to go back to Walford with Poline. Mandy understands and doesn't try to make Pike stay. They chalk it down as a holiday romance and say goodbye (without even hugging or kissing. Whatever). Farewell Mandy, you came and you gave without taking. Or something.

Trini-dad tracks down to Yolande to a crappy looking cafe and wants to talk to her. She acts all disdainful until Trini-dad reels off the answers to the Mister and missis questions and thus proves that he lurves her proper. All the people in the caff clap cornily as Trini-dad proposes and Yolande accepts. That was relatively painless compared to the 100 years it took for Fool to propose to Slutty. Later on Trini-dad asks Jim to be his best man.

Martin thanks Moomin for being a good friend and putting up with his egregious behaviour, then him, Pike and Poline drive home. I guess they are taking Moomin's car and Moomin is going to drive the big people carrier? Is she up for that? Is the insurance all valid? I am thinking about this too much.

Final lame subplot resolution. Dot reminisces about celebrating Mark being born and says she just sat in the corner and she wishes she had made a bigger deal of it. They are in the peach ruched ball room and Dot is wearing a coat buttoned up to the neck so I think we can all guess what is going to happen. She says she has learnt her very own "DYING IS SAD" lesson and never wants to be repressed again. She melodramatically rips off her coat and of course she is wearing the vile pink dress. It is horrid and makes Dot look like she has man-hands. They dance and when Jim compliments Dot she actually returns the compliment instead of moaning at him.

I wonder if anything will ever result from Poline dancing with that bloke?

The Fowlers get home and Martin goes out to get some milk. A few "Martin is sad while life goes on" shots. Pat appears and light heartedly berates Martin for not opening the stall. Martin says that Mark is dead and Pat kind of twitches and then asks what she can do. Ha ha. Pat is a goddess but that was the lamest reaction ever. Pat says she will spread the word and also stop people from hassling Poline for the time being.

When Martin gets home he tells a white lie that Mark left a message saying he loved his mum. Pike nods approvingly, all gay jedi master. Poline is touched.

Ok, that was actually quite touching and sad. They still shouldn't make Martin do proper acting though, it isn't fair on him or us. Everyone else was pretty good though.

Also, on a frequently played new eastenders promo, Andy rhetorically asks if Slutty is "cheap". Not as cheap as your nasty suits, mate....

THIS MARKY'S GONE TO HEAVEN
Moomin activates her powers and her expert medical knowledge to find out exactly what Mark died of and when. Somehow, even though he was supposed to be Travelling The World, he managed to kick the bucket in Walford General only minutes before Poline's banshee began to howl. Moomin says that Mark died of something cancerous. Martin goes: "Hunh? But he was HIV positive! And he ate vegetables! How could he die of cancer?" You can see why 'Shell doesn't want to leave Florida, can't you? Martin wants to know why the doctors couldn't find a cure for cancer RIGHT NOW and treat him with their magick powers. That's medical negligence, that is. He continues panicking all over the place, forcing poor Moomin to drive on a motorway about ten minutes after she has passed her test, and being utterly vile. They catch a flat tyre on an unfeasibly snowy hillside in Sussex - or maybe they took the wrong turning at Purley and ended up in the Himalayas. Martin screams and shouts and generally gives poor Moomin a very hard time. Moomin naturally doesn't drive off and leave him stranded halfway up K2 like a normal person, but buys him a cup of coffee and does lots of affirming stuff...and changes a flat tyre too. Mug.

Meanwhile, back at Stalag-Pontins, a whole night's "talking" with Rob has reminded Gay Pike why he could never love a man who looks and sounds like Peter Mandelson. Rob tries to persuade Gay Pike to stick around so they can tour the lovely town of Hartlepool together and catch up with each other. Gay Pike decides that Hartlepool is infinitely better than being Poline's bitch and says yes.

Jim wakes up in a fairground ride and does his comedy hangover. Dot discovers TriniDad has been sleeping next to her. Yolande wakes alone (she probably threatened to walk out if they made her sleep with Jim). She goes over to Dot's cell, where TriniDad is hotfooting it out of the window, right in front of Jim. It degenerates from there into something that makes a Whitehall farce look like Beckett. To cut a long story short. Jim and TriniDad fight like old blokes. Dot and Yolande purse their lips. Moomin walks in on the whole thing like a lost vicar and looks shocked.

Martin finds Poline, who has been pacing the room restlessly since the banshee started howling. She's expecting Gay Pike and Mandy to announce their deep deep love for each other, but instead she gets pale, trembling Martin. Martin tells her about Mark and once again Wendy Richard does an impressive job. She lets slip that she knew that Mark was going to die anyway, but Martin didn't know this apparently. Martin: confused. And sad. And angry.

MURDER ON THE DANCEFLOOR
Rob turns out to be the bloke that Pike left his wife for (maybe, I wasn't really paying attention as the actor playing Rob is really annoying and over-acktorly and got on my nerves). Poline makes some snitty remarks about not being Pike's wife and leaves them to chat. She dances with Blokey a bit (was he Egg's dad in This Life? I am sure I recognise him from somewhere) and then goes to bed.

Rob and Pike go and have a boring talk. Poetry is quoted. It turns out that Pike left Rob with no explanation and has never spoken to him since. Rob still loves Pike (cough*co-dependent*cough) but Pike is still scared of his inner gaylordery and refuses to let himself go. They wander round and talk for hours and hours.

Jim and Trinidad get drunk and moan about their ungrateful women. It can be summarised thus: "why can't a woman be more like a man" and then "can't live with them, can't live without them."

Yolande and Dot moan about their useless menfolk and dance with each with snooty expressions on their faces.

It turns out that Jim entered T'n'Y into a lame "Mister and Missis" style competition before the row (Dot: "What have you been and gorn and done, Jim Branning?"). They are dragged up on stage and asked lame questions about favourite colours etc. Trinidad mutters "I don't know anything about this crazy wench". Yolande runs away crying. I am also crying. Because I am so bored.

Pike and Rob: blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Back at the 'ford, Martin waits for Sonia. I think you'd better put that bottle of asti back in the fridge, mate. In the end he strops off to the offy to buy some tins and Backstreet mentions that he saw Moomin going into an indian restaurant. Martin storms off and finds her with cute male nurse and some other nurses who don't get any lines. Sonia follows him outside and they argue about Sonia going out with her friend. Actually it was pretty inconsiderate of Sonia not to let Martin know what she was doing. Martin then moans that he doesn't like fancy new Sonia who wears ugly New Look clothes and is on a diet, etc. Sonia says she is not going back to being frumpy old school fat Sonia, whom everyone pitied. They split up.

In their room, Yolande looks at the dress and says that Jim meant well and was trying to bring out another side of Dot - the Barbie obsessed, drag queen side? Dot agrees that maybe buying her a dress is not the worst thing that Jim could have done. Yolande thinks about forgiving Trinidad. They go to bed.

Jim and Trinidad "entertain" us with their drunk "acting". It is very boring. They talk bollocks for hours and end up accidentally swapping keys. Trinidad stumbles into bed with Dot. Oh, my sides they are splitting. With this hilarity you are really spoiling us, Mr scriptwriter.

Pike goes back to Rob's chalet to spend the night "drinking port and talking". So that's what the young people are calling it nowadays? You go with your bad self, Pike.

Poline is woken at 2.30 am by some wolves howling or a banshee's eldritch cry or something. The curse of the Fowlers has struck again! When she looks at her clock there is a big photo of Mark in shot, so I think we can all guess what has happened.

Martin is sulking at home. There is a phone call for Poline but Martin says he is her son and gets the news instead. It makes him go all lip-trembly and sad. He runs round to Sonia's and bangs on the door - when she lets him in he tells her that Mark is dead.

JUST ONE DAY OUT OF LIFE, IT SHOULD BE, IT SHOULD BEEEE SO NICE
The oldsters (Poline and pike, Dot and Jim, Trinidad and Yolande) are getting ready for their Club 80-130 break. Pike has produced a giant shiny renault espace type vehicle from somewhere to drive them all to the holiday camp. While they are packing, Trinidad shows Bad Brotha the engagement ring he has bought for Yolande. Let's just say Liberace would complain that it was overstated. Yolande overhears them talking about the proposal and acts all smug. Poline moans at Pike because he is taking some books to read on holiday. Moomin has gone ker-azy with the curling tongs. Jim shows her a heinous barbie pink shiny dress that he has bought as a surprise for Dot.

Poline and Dot both flap around about leaving Martin and Moomin alone and then they drive off. Moomin has her driving test and Martin wishes her luck and says he is looking forward to a weekend of sweet loving, sexy mama. Moomin passes her driving test (maybe the driving examiner took pity on her wack hair and vile, germolene coloured anorak) but then has to go to work. Martin prepares a healthy low calory meal (and it is very nice to see a boy cooking on EE without it turning into a shite non comedy subplot of ineptitude). Backstreet tries to tempt Martin into holding a party at theirs but Martin just wants to spend time with Moomin. At the hospital a cute male nurse says that Sonia is "needed" ... ruh roh.

The oldsters stop at a service station. Jim and Trinidad have a go on a DanceDance Revolution style arcade game ("your moves are extraordinary"!) while Dot and Yolande cringe in embarrassment. Dot and Yolande discuss the proposal. Meanwhile Poline flirts outrageously with the first middle aged man who holds a door open for her. Slut. Sadly he is with another woman. Pike moans a bit about being Poline's bitch all the time.

They arrive at Kamp Pontins-Luft XIII. Pike is left to do all the checking in etc while everyone else swans around and ogles nubile bathing beauties (Trinidad and Jim) or the middle aged mr-big-from-sex-and-the-city looking entertainments manager (poline, who is OUT OF CONTROL this episode). They go to their rooms, which look like cells in a progressive young offenders institute, and Jim shows the vile dress to Dot. Dot says she never likes being the centre of attention and tells him to take it back, but then regrets her harsh words. Jim is sad. Meanwhile, Dot and Pike have been booked accidentally into a double room. Pike moans some more about being Polines bitch and says "I'm not your husband, yo!"

Pike sits in his room and reads while the others go dancing. There is a ballroom dancing competition which Dot refuses to enter, for now... The ballroom is lined with peach ruched satin and has a man playing a wurlitzer on a stage. It is the tenth circle of hell, people. Dot and Jim are not really talking after the dress debacle (fyi, dot is wearing a navy blue dress with a white sailors collar - you are not a japanese choolgirl, dot!). Jim has a chance to moan to Trinidad about marraige being shit and relays a garbled version of dot & yolande's conversation which makes it sound as though Yolande is anti-marraige. trinidad has to rethink his proposal technique. poline appears in a black trouser suit with glittery highlights. What a surprise, the man from the service station is there too. An elderly Mr-Burns-from-the-Simpsons lookalike asks Poline to dance. The man from the service station (I have totally forgotten his characters name so I will call him Blokey for now) cuts in and Mr Burns is left sulking on the sidelines muttering "release the hounds, smithers" to no avail. Blokey says he is there with his sister (crypto incest alert!) and flirts with Poline. I think someone is getting lucky tonight...

Trinidad proposes to Yolande (who is wearing a totally OTT plum coloured ball gown, btw) by saying it will be advantageous for tax and legal purposes. Yolande is sad that he is being so unromantic and says no. Doh.

Mr Burns and blokey start bickering about who gets to dance with Poline. Jesus, they must be desperate. It is just getting to "pistols at dawn" when Rob the entertainments manager steps in to calm them down. At that moment Gay Pike decides to show up and him and Rob recognise each other. Oh my god, Pike has actually shagged someone? It looks like someone else will be getting lucky too... Gay Pike: eunuch no more!

WISH I COULD BE LIKE DENNIS WATTS
Double recap today:

Ash has got a horse right here (its name is Paul Revere), and it's going to solve all their problems. He fondles the cash takings (hey guys... ever heard of banks?) and spends hours standing outside the bookies', twitching. Adull finds him, fails to put two and two together (why else would anybody buy the Daily Mail if it wasn't for the racing?), and announces that he has made a grand from selling Dadvis's rhinestone suit and Elvis crap. There's more stuff about Kareena and The Ferreira Emerald of Destiny...anyway, Ash doesn't put the money on Paul Revere so everything is fine. Next.

Den's doing girly running around the square. Backstreet joins him for a second to talk about getting fit.

ODen has found a doxy to spend the night with, and gets the Watts women all worried about his whereabouts. He breezes in with an armful of architecty-looking documents (that was quick), and tries to change the subject. Shazz insists that she's staying with Denman, no matter what, and ODen tries the old looney...long line of loonies...argument again. It doesn't work. ODen calls Byrite to offer him the door/drugs franchise if he promises to keep Denman out of Walford. Byrite tells Denman that he will be a roving headcrusher from now on, and starts making arrangements for him to go and beat up some Scottish people. Shazz finds out and tells ODen that she's moving in with Den. If you're wondering what Dot has to say about this, wonder no more. She finds Jim and Shazza dancing in the kitchen and her face puckers up like Lou Reed's when somebody asks him about his smack habit. Denman and Shazza offer to move out to the B&B asap, before finding a flat in Epping. I would have thought a tiny village in Norfolk would be more to their liking.

Dot runs off to find Den, quotes several Bible passages at him (no time to check them out...sorry), and tells him to save his family before it's too late. Den makes another Lou Reed-type face and looks "thoughtful".

Another person doing a lot of "thoughtful" is Slutty. She sees Fool trying to flog his ghastly 80s two-colour leather jacket and a couple of less hideous-than-usual shirts to Kellay, who buys the shirts out of charity. Then she sees him trying to flog his Barron Knights vinyl collection to a bemused DJ Ross. Sham says something about Fool being jealous about Byrite taking her to a posh Dublin hotel. Well, what really happened is that Byrite presented Sham with said weekend, and then told Fool that he was going to pay for it with this week's loan payment which is now due...ummm...now. So, Fool is panicking. Slutty thinks it's because he can't afford a faaancy weekend in Dublin (overrated, if you ask me), so she uses his loan money to buy the shirts back off Kellay. Fool goes "D'oh!" and tries to explain to Byrite. Byrite books him a headcrushing appointment with Denman, and exits, laughing demonically. Really, the man is about as menacing as a goldfish. At least Goldie looked a tiny bit hard, and yes I am talking about the Blue Peter dog.

He's not laughing for long because ODen says he's had a rethink about the door/drugs contract, and the deal's off. Shazz and Denman are snogging in public again, so Byrite gets in a good sneer or two, and buggers off to Dublin (good riddance). ODen gets Denman on his own and apologises for getting him into trouble with Shazz. Denman is suspicious. You can tell he's suspicious because his eyes crinkle up. Eyes still crinkled, they talk some more, and ODen says that Denman doesn't really know what love is because he was fiddled as a child, so he's confusing sisterly love with naughty love in that mixed-up pretty head of his. ODen says he can stay and keep the family together, but only if he loves Shazza as a proper sister, and stops all this crypto-incest nonsense. Denman's entire face crumples quite adorably and he runs off to dump Shazz. Again.

Shazz: sad, but at least she doesn't have to find another job in a 1950s telephone exchange on ITV. And Denman gets to shag Teen. Vickney will be all confused, but there you go.

NC sub-plot. Pat and Mo give up on the diet and eat lard and crisps in the pub.

MMartin cooks a big dinner for Moomin to make up for sulking at her staying out at a party with her faaaancy college mates (Martin, they're NURSES! Get in there, you prat!). But Moomin can't eat it because she's on a diet. They talk about how this diet is the only thing that Moomin feels she has achieved for herself. Yeah, I went "eh?" too. Then Martin produces pudding: triple chocolate profiteroles with extra double cream.

Jim, Yolande and TriniDad persuade Dot to go on holiday to the EE Butlins (called "Jollies" - bet it took three script meetings to come up with that one). Gay Pike says those places are like Sodom and Gomorrah with zimmer frames and wheelchair access. Oh boy.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that Mickney gets sacked for "entertaining" a potential client at the arches overnight, and AGarry hires Charlie to replace him. However, the past few weeks have turned Charlie into Rain Man, and all he's good for is rearranging spanners. Whatever Mickney did for the client turns out to have worked. They get a big "taxi contract" and Mickney is rehired.

CROUCH END TIGER, HIDDEN DENMAN
Sorry about this one being late, folks. Bit of a restless baby thing as well as phone calls during EE screwing the reception.

Mostly a two-hander between Denman (who's been attending Acting School in his lunch break) and Shazza, with interpolations from O-Den and Vickney. Though we are set up for future plot machinations when TriniDad tells Bad Brutha that he wants to marry Yolande...good on yer mate.

Now back to the crypto-incest twins. Shazza storms over to Dot's house to get the truth from Denman. Denman is busy washing his guilt away with cheap vodka bought with Byrite's extortion profits, and looking attractively tousled. Shazza hisses "Moiderer!" and does everything bar batter his chest with her puny little fists (well, she'd probably flatten him) to find "the real Dennis". That's easy love. Moody bugger, looks good without clothes on, jogs a bit, shags anything that moves, including his sister (but not Vickney because she's too annoying).

Denman tells her the tale of Mad Frankie Knuckles and his Horrible Murder. Apparently the bit that was said when the 8.15 from Denham past was that O-Den is alive and well and running a crack whore business in Spain. So it's all Denman's fault, not Vickney's. Killing Mad Frankie has given him nightmares where MFK sits in the corner of the room and shakes his hoary locks at Denman. Denman also sees spots on his face that nobody else can...hell is murky...all the perfumes of Araby will not sweeten this five o'clock shadow...blah blah. Shazza says he's sick and wrong, and not the man she fell in love with. Actually Shazz, he did all that before he shagged you. so technically...

Meanwhile Vickney is annoying ODen by trying to force him to talk about his feelings, poor bastard. O-Den actually calls her annoying and her riposte: "Yeah, I'm a teenager, it's my job" is quite cool. Go Vickney! Annoy him some more! O-Den runs away to Loser's Bench. Byrite slithers over, and, mistaking him for Tony Wilson, offers to do the security on the club in exchange for exclusive drug dealing rights. O-Den goes "Droocks! Noooo!" and sends him on his way.

Denman and Shazza emote some more. Shazza wants to believe that he killed in self-defence but Denman says ummm...no, it was in cold blood, but I suppose he would have killed me given half a chance. Anyway, it doesn't matter now as Denman is now living in the nth circle of Hell (not sure where they put sister-shagging murderers - in with the Borgias I suppose) and working for Byrite. Shazza decides that he needs saving, and that only her love can do this. They snog, and she swears never to let ODen come between them.

From his vantage point on Loser's Bench, O-Den sees them snogging in the street like common people and is cross. Ruh-roh!

DENMANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY
Denman mopes around and resists Dot's efforts to save his immortal soul. He says he has a job with Andy and Dot is all pleased on account of how Andy is always polite and wears a shiny suit. Denman points out that Andy is a gangster and that Denman isn't worth any better, also that he is going to burn in hell and doesn't deserve the company of human society after all the bad things he has done. Someone needs to turn that frown upside down!

Vickney and Shazza are both rocking the "no-make-up" look. Shazza mopes around in her robe as though Denman gave her flu as well as accidentally smacking her. Vickney cries and admits that she told O-Den about them. Shazza is cross and says she would have never grassed Vickney up to O-Den for shagging Ash, but then hugs her and forgives her. Vickney goes and talks to Denman, who continues with the fatality and misery. He says he is going to the Vic later and Vickney says she will make sure Shazza is there. O-Den finds her and tells her off and says she has to choose between Denman or the others. Vickney grudgingly says she chooses the O-Den/Shazz super-combo.

Denman has an orientation session with Byrite Andy. Andy says he is glad to have a psycho-killa like Denman working for him and that Denman should meet him in the Vic that evening, dressed up for gangsta action. Denman says he hasn't got a suit but Andy says that as he owns the "Mr Byrite" clothing chain it will be no probs to get a suit for him. Denman goes for a jog (more comedy girlish running) and pops into the Vic, where Teen is obviously entranced by his manly he-stench.

In non-Watts news, Gus is mean to Juley ("you dissed my poetry and my crib, yo!") but then relents and lets him stay with him. The Ferrieras contemplate selling their stash of emeralds and jewels (?) but then decide to keep them and sell retro clothes instead. Scalliq convinces Fool to have a 70s night in the pub and then they get extra money by selling all the clothes and also getting DJ Ross to DJ. At one point Scalliq does an adorable dance. Fool tries to get Andy to restructure his loan but Andy is a dick and says "no, give me more money that you can't afford, as I have no sense." Bealemeister asks Kyert to the 70s night but she will only go if they dress up. Bealemeister is not keen on this foolishness but then relents if there is a chance of getting a shag out of it.

At the vic, the 70s night is a success. Kyert (mustard floppy hat and big lapelled coat) and Ian (brown big collared shirt and Alan Whicker style safari suit) inexplicably win best dressed couple. Bealemeister makes a face like "I'm in, for sure!" Backstreet attempts to woo Teen but is mocked, patronised and ignored. Good. Denman has to sit and listen to Andy talk bollocks for hours. Andy says that his minionators are scared of Denman (but it looked to me more like they were checking out his sweet ass) and says that for his first task Denman has to beat up Fool. Cool, maybe Denman will break Fool's jaw in the process so he won't be able to speak for a bit.

Vickney recovers her moxy and shouts at O-Den for being a bastard and provoking Denman. Shazza overhears and discovers the whole thing about andy and the vic. She says she is going to talk to him, even though she doesn't him want back. O-Den tries to talk her out of it and keeps hinting that Denman is much more eeevil than Shazza ever expected. Shazza is all "What you talking about, fool?" It is pretty obvious that her and Vickney hate O-Den now.

Denman mopes around the Vic but it doesn't look like Shazza is coming. He drives off with Andy to do Bad Things.

Shazza sees Denman drive off and asks O-Den to explain what the hell he is talking about. O-Den says that Denman moidered Mad Frankie Knuckles. He shot a man in Epping just to watch him die! Shazza pulls that face.

IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIIIIR
Boy oh boy is O-Den on a roll. Shazza's in the kitchen, wearing battered wife non-makeup and tousled, unshiney hair; Vickney's in her room, and Denman is twitching on Dot's sofa. Way to go, mate.

Where do we start? Well, O-Den and Shazz talk. Shazz stares at the table, nursing her huuge bruise (did Denman really hit her that hard? It looks like she's done ten rounds with a doorframe), while O-Den says that he didn't say nothing, well OK, he might have said something to provoke Denman. Actually, come to think of it, maybe he did come on a bit strong with the kiddy fiddling crack, but Denman would have kicked off anyway because he's a psycho...long line of psychos...blah blah. And there's a hint that maybe O-Den wasn't making it all up and Knows More Than He's Letting On. Vickney appears every now and again to tell O-Den to leave Shazz alone, but gets sent away to annoy Poline instead. Vickney just wants everything back the way it was. Weirdo.

Denman is twitching on the Brannings' sofa while Jim hovers outside, dukes at the ready, in case he goes beserk again. Dot's on hand with the tea and saintliness. Denman alternately twitches, then glowers, then twitches again as Dot tries to tell him that it's not his fault and everybody could see he was trying to take a swing at Den. Denman goes back to Weird Family Central to clear his name, but O-Den won't let him in. O-Den switches his manipulation dial to 11, and persuades Shazz (now cowering on the stairs) that she doesn't want to see him. Meanwhile Denman tries to open the door with his forehead and screams a lot until Shazz says: "go away". If he tried that in Peckham, there'd be a small crowd gathered on the pavement offering suggestions and praying for his blighted soul, but not in Walford.

Bad Brutha's out and about again, preparing for the return of TrinDad and Yolande. They had a lovely time, thank you very much, and we can look forward to the return of the Unconvincing Urchin very soon. Ohhh...shit.

Everybody is overturning MYGus's carefully arranged rubbish bags, or driving into them menacingly (Byrite Andy's Henchpersons of Patheticness). The Bealemeister pauses to sneer, and accidentally drops his wallet into a pile of Gus's rubbish. Gus picks it up, stuffs it in his pocket and forgets about it until he's in the pub. There's a huge wad of cash inside, and Gus is Tempted. Then Moomin comes along, activates her Moomin powers, and steers Gus back to the path of Righteousness, for which he is rewarded with a kiss on the lips from Ian. Ewww (though some people might find that reward enough, I'm surprised that it doesn't send MYGus straight to the nearest crack den).


DJ Ross and the Ferreira Kidz are moaning about there being no cereal or jam. Ash says: "Uh...we're broke...remember?" More moaning, then Adull finds some sweaty old rocker t-shirts and decides to have a "retro" day on the stall. Tariq starts pimping DJ Ross to the kidz parties and barmitzvah crowd (DJ Ross's "but I'm an ARTIST" schtick falls on deaf ears, like his DJing, methinks); Ash gets a tutoring job that means he has to read Beowulf (poor sod). But all their efforts raise little cash and the Kidz are despondent. Though how playing "Come On Eileen" on the stall was going to help them raise £6k was going to help, I don't know. Why don't they just call an uncle? Or Madhur? She must be back from her recipe-finding tour by now.

Byrite senses that it's time to close the deal with Shazz, and slimes over to WFC with the contracts. O-Den stops him just in time and tells Shazz that he's sold up his crack whore empire in Spain and is now minted, so he'll bankroll the club, adding in a few sideswipes at poor Denman, who's still twitching and glowering in the park. Byrite makes "Grrr....foiled by meddling O-Den!" faces, and tells Sham that the club is still a Watts club. Sham realises that Byrite is a spineless bitch, and goes off to "check the books". Two words Sham: "Laptop" and "Spreadsheet".

Alfie's shirt is a true masterpiece of hideousness. He can't get the money together, even after Sham offers him a small pay-rise. Byrite gets all sharky again, and demands a double payment next week.

Phew! Action packed ep, isn't it?

O-Den runs into St Dot, who has a go about Denman. His problem, says Dot, is that he was never loved enough, and now he has no-one to love him at all. Den drove Ange to drink and now he's driving Denman into the clutches of Byrite, says Dot. O-Den goes: "Phffff...like I care what the mother of Nick Cotton thinks". Dot looks sad, yet still saintly. Denman has taken to glowering around the war memorial and getting tempted by Devil Man Byrite. He decides that the only way out is to become a Half-Assed Henchperson, and takes up Byrite's offer. Byrite exits, singing Sly & the Family Stone classics, while Denman makes "Hulk...mad!" faces and battles feebly with his fellow henchpersons.

DEN VS DEN
These two hander, ultra talky ones are really boring to recap...

O-Den makes Denman sit down so they can have a quiet chat and a drink, while everyone else in the pub strains to hear what they are saying. O-Den says he is too old and tired for a fight and just wants to hear Denman's side of the story. Denman is relieved and says how much he loves Shazz etc etc. O-Den is also relieved and says that now he doesn't have to pretend to like Denman any more. Ruh roh.

At Shazz's, her and Vickney hang around awkwardly. Shazz is nice to Vickney and in the end Vickney breaks down in tears and apologises for being so annoying. She doesn't, howver, apologise to the viewing public who had to put with her annoyingness much more than Shazza ever did. They hug and bond etc.

O-den says he has been putting on an act and just been pretending to like Denman for the girls' sake, and he thought it was very funny how Denman went all soppy whenever he called him "son". Denman glowers prettily and doesn't believe him at first but then says they were all better off without o-Den anyway. O-Den tells him to leave off Shazza. Denman: "shan't!". O-Den asks what will happen when they split up (Denman: never!) or if Denman loses his rag and hits Shazza (Denman: never ever!) or if Shazza were to discover that Denman moidered Mad Frankie Knuckles way back when. Denman says he will confess all re the murder if O-Den himself.

O-Den says that Denman is a perv and asks if he fancies Vickney too. Denman says that O-Den is a bigger perv for even suggesting that and says that O-den is jealous because he fancies Shazza himself. Denman prepares to go home to his beautiful laydee but O-Den slams him through the doors into the back passage (oo er, missis) where the phone and stairs are. Sham flaps around saying "Stop fighting in MY pub!" shut up, Sham. Denman is about to leave when O-Den says that the reason he is a pervo sister-mister is that he was kiddy-fiddled in the orphanage. Oh no, he has made Denman cry! Bad O-Den!

Shazz and Vickney decide that this is a good moment to go over to the pub and see what is happening.

Denman looks all traumatised while O-Den continues to go on about kiddy-fiddling and how he reckons Denman was glad of the attention. In the end Denman goes into a total "Hulk smash!!!" type rage, yells "Raaargh! Grrrrrrr aaaargh!" and attacks O-Den. In the fracas, Shazz and Vick arrive and try to stop the fight. Denman accidentally clocks shazza in the jaw and knocks her down. Doh! He is roughly subdued by Andy's muscle boys and everyone falls silent and stares at him. Everyone in the pub gets a shocked reaction shot, even Silent Tracey! React Tracey! react as if your life depended on it! O-Den escorts Shazz and Vickney from the pub with a smug gleam to his eye while Denman stands there, a single perfectly formed tear rolling down one cheek. Sham says "Look at the mess in MY pub!" Hey Sham, why don't you stick YOUR pub up YOUR arse and shut up.

At the Watt's House of Greek Tragedy, Shazz just wants to be left alone. Vickney is crying again so O-den says "I just did what you wanted, it's all over between them". Vickney says she just wants everything to be the way it was and runs upstairs. O-Den rolls his eyes.

At the pub, Denman is still standing in stunned silence when lovely Dot takes him home and says he can stay with her that night. Bless, it is like that bit in the bible where Mary Magdalene pulls the thorn out of the samaritan's paw or something. Denman sits in the kitchen and smokes a menthol cigarette, the big gaylord. Dot says they can have a talk in the morning. Denman is sad.