SOMETHING KINDA YAWWN
Sooo sorry this is late (and quick - life took over from blogging again)

We're building up to Davetta's big exit with some odd, Oedipan shenanigans from BroJo re: JoJoMa. JoJo's busy trying to prove to JoJo Ma that BroJo isn't dead by making him turn up on the doorstep. Sorry darling, but wouldn't the sight of her long lost son on the threshold when she's not taking her meds properly trigger a major episode? Bradley doesn't think it's such a good idea, and neither does BroJo. He skedaddles, and JoJo trudges back home to watch the final of Make Me A Supermodel with Bradders and a nice cup of tea. Bradley decides not to dump her just yet.

BroJo goes to the club and starts chatting up Preeti - who I shall call Duckface on account of her looking like, well, a duck. JoJo sees him getting cosy with Duckface and asks herif she isn't a bit old for BroJo. I can't remember if there are fisticuffs, but Duckface ends up in bed with BroJo anyway. JoJo heads Davetta off at the foot of the stairs, and I'm not sure where Davetta's been either. Anyway, JoJo works out that BroJo is only after Davetta's money. A nation belms. JoJo tries to get him to dump Davetta, but they find her crying over Tony Bennet's ashes (careful now, you don't want to go mixing them with Barry's) and decide to string her along for a few more days.

Speaking of which, Billy won't let Baby Petal go to foster parents before the adoption. Phoney's already packing the sleepsuits.

GADawn should have known, should have cared, should have hung around the kitchen in her underwear, acting like a lady instead of chasing after Slimy Metrosexual and discovering that he is married to *gasp* Hot Lady Doctor! She smashes his windscreen and stomps home. Slimy Metrosexual avoids getting beaten up by Mickney and tells GADawn that he loves her but he can't leave his wife. GADawn offers herself up for a charity auction date (eh?? Oh yes, Children in Need). AGarry 'wins' her, but she runs off crying.

Dasbo seems to have gone into some kind of dodgy business with BodySnatched Peter following Keef's decision to close down the market stall because he can't be arsed or something.

The replacement for Dodgy Marcus - last seen heading off to the Bahamas with a suitcase full of Mitchell cash - is funnier and less smug than her big sister Sophie Thompson. Sophie leaves Fill's legal papers in her flat, then her car breaks down, and she loses her keys, so Fill has to step in like Sancho Panza depping for the Don. A nation says: "She's neither squeaky, blonde, nor man-faced! And she's got A-levels! It'll never last!" Ben: not happy. Babs: thinks that dating a lawyer is a bit of a step up from the usual lady gangsters and part-time barmaids. The Beale tries to tell Sophie that Fill is a heartbreaker, a dream taker and lovebreaker whom nice girls shouldn't mess with. I love it when Beale gets weaselly. Go with your badass self, Bealemeister!

Bye bye baby, baby goodbye; Bye bye baby, don't make me cry

By special guest blogger, Patrick
(who has used different nicknames from the usual, just to be difficult)

Mickney and Dasbo are suspicious about BankerRob's intentions. GADawn is loved up and thinks nothing could possibly be wrong and that Rob is "the one". Again, it is clear that no one in EastEnders watches the soaps as verbalising that someone is "the one" is always the kiss of death. In a cunning plan, Mickney steals GADawn's mobile phone and gets BankerRob to meet him in a posh hotel. As we all know, the BBC is run by sodomites so we get a nice scene of BankerRob soaping himself up in the bath and Mickney coming into the bathroom to watch and lick his lips. BankerRob's wife phones as they're chatting (what are the odds, eh, viewers? Well, in soap world, close to 100%). Mickney seems to know it's Rob's wife using mystical extra sensory powers. In a weird homoerotic courting ritual, he punches the towel-wearing Rob and makes Rob agree to dump GADawn. However, Rob meets up with her in the Vic and can't go through with it. A nation yawns.

DevilChild Lucy asks PantoJane for some extra money. PJ says no, as she has to learn to live within her means. DCL: angry. PJ is worried that DCL is being bullied at school and using the extra £2 she'd asked for to pay off the thugs. Pretty poor thugs if they're only asking for £2. PJ says to the Bealemeister that they should tell DCL about the planned adoption and ask her to be bridesmaid. Bealemeister very against this idea but goes along with it. Meanwhile, PJane goes off to see NurseTanya, who assures her that DCL is very popular at school, according to LittleLauren, and that the adoption is wonderful news.

PJane and the Bealemeister sit DCL and Peter down to tell them about the adoption. Incidentally, has anyone else noticed that PantoJane always starts conversations to the children with "Me and your dad"? Hardly a good grammatical role model. Peter, who seems to have been supplied by the Paedophile Recruitment Agency [maybe his head twisted off in a 360 degree twirling frenzy - Ed], doesn't seem to mind. DCL shouts "Nooooo! You're not my mother and you never will be!!!!!!!!!!!!" and storms out. PJane is upset. She and the Bealemeister are talking about it and the Bealemeister takes the opportunity to give her a hug so he can do the Evil Over The Shoulder Grimace that is required in EE every time someone receives a hug.

The Bealemeister goes to talk to DCL about her reluctance to be adopted by PJane. DCL screams at him "I have a mother and today is the anniversary of her death! Why don't we ever talk about her?!" The Bealemeister replies "well, she had an affair with my half-brother-who-wasn't, tried to pass off the resulting baby as mine, then had an affair with my cousin, tried to have me shot, abducted my children and fled the country!" Unfortunately he didn't really say any of that, and just told DCL not to worry about the adoption, "because it's never going to happen". Mwah-ha-ha. O Bealemeister what is your evil plan? We all know PJane isn't anywhere near good enough for you since she rejected your fishly charms for Grunt, but let's face it, you're 38 with three marriages behind you, three kids, a growing paunch and a nasty recurring cold sore. You're not exactly a prime catch.

PJane takes DCL over to NurseTanya's for some pampering. Shitty receives an phone call from her mother (BT's Ironically Timed Phone Calls department is working overtime this week), and commiserates with DCL about how hard it must be to have lost her mother. DCL agrees, and then asks PJane if she can have her hair cut. PJane agrees and, lo and behold, DCL has it cut in the style of Cindy. Poline sees the hair cut, makes the sign of the cross and screams "It's Cindy! Cindy from beyond the grave!!!" and tells StraightPike all about what a witch Cindy was to the poor old downtrodden Bealemeister. This is actually a rather good plot development; let's hope that history will repeat itself and DCL will hire a hit man to take out the Bealemeister on his wedding day. Meanwhile, PJane finds a pack of tampons in DCL's bag which we had seen her shoplifting earlier. PJane realises that Lucy has been in such a bad mood as it's her very first rag week (get used to it, love, you've got another 35 years or so to go), so forgives her and they hug.

Bradders has organised a birthday surprise for JoJo - a trip on the LondonEye with champagne and truffles and everything! He tells Dadley about it and Dadley says that JoJo is far too common to appreciate it and that Bradders should find himself a classy lady. What, just like NurseTanya? Bradders also tells Dadley that JoJo's mum has just come out of the funny farm. Dadley immediately tells all his family and LittleLauren makes sarky comments about it to Bradders. Bradders has also, miraculously, managed to find a clothes shop apart from JoJo's stall, and has bought her a posh frock. RainMan delivers a card for JoJo which had arrived at the Tardis by mistake; BroJo sees it's from their mother and rips it up! However, BroJo's crime skills wouldn't tax even the Secret Seven for more than 30 secs, as he leaves the ripped card in the rubbish bin in the living room, where JoJo finds it. JoJo: annoyed.

JoJo wants BroJo to come with her to see their crazy mother, aka NutMum. BroJo says no way; JoJo is the nutty one for even wanting to go. JoJo arrives at NutMum's house to find NutMum not dressed (at 5pm!) and thinking it's 9am. Not a good start. JoJo drops BroJo into the conversation, just casual like, and NutMum starts screaming "He's dead, I tells ya! Sean is dead!" JoJo didn't realise NutMum was quite this far gone. Next day, NutMum is on quite good form and cooks JoJo a nice breakfast and gives her a digital camera for her 18th. JoJo shows NutMum a family picture. NutMum rips it up and screams a lot. JoJo flees back home, only to find that Bradders has gone on the Eye without her. She and Bradders row and she accuses him of trying to change her with his posh frocks and his London Eye trips. Bradders bursts into a few bars of Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are and they make up. JoJo tells BroJo that NutMum thinks he's dead. BroJo doesn't care.

Phoney agrees to take the BabyOfDoom out. Billy is pleased. When he comes home for lunch, Phoney has cooked a big meal. But where is the BabyOfDoom? Billy thinks the worst, but it turns out she's with Pat in the plot cupboard. Phoney says to Billy, isn't it great, just the two of us! Billy fails to pick up on her meaning until she hands him an adoption leaflet. He comes home the next day to find a note from Phoney saying that she just can't take it any more and has left him. Babs is angry and tells Billy to fight for his family "like a proper Mitchell!" Aaaargh. Billy tells her he's sick of hearing about the Mitchells - my hero! Babs and Billy take a taxi to NotDavidEssex's narrowboat in Kent (a taxi to Kent?!?!?! FFS.). They arrive. The narrowboat is moored on a green so idyllic, I keep expecting Miss Betsey Trotwood to appear to chase the donkies away. Phoney, however, has fled to the house of some posh but rather batty woman I've not seen before, who turns out to be her dead mother's sister. BattyAunt reveals her own adoption horror but says it was the right thing for her to do at the time and she will still love Phoney if she throws BabyOfDoom to the jackals.

Babs and NDE have made up now that Babs has confessed that she really rather likes BabyOfDoom, actually. Phoney arrives back and she and Billy talk about how hard BabyOfDoom's life will be. Phoney confesses that she hates the sight of BabyOfDoom and can't bear to be in the same room as "it", and that she nearly killed it with a pillow. Billy is shocked. He thinks back to his Psychology O-Level and pretends to be about to float BabyOfDoom off down the river to see if she survives. Unfortunately this backfires as Phoney is almost ready to shove the boat off, not stop him. Armed with this information, Billy reluctantly consents to the adoption. Fill and Babs are not pleased at all. PoshDoc comes around to get things going. Phoney tells Billy all about how she was expecting BabyJanet, not BabyOfDoom. As you all know, I'm actually a fan of Phoney, and she does all this stuff pretty well. She thanks Billy for going along with giving BabyOfDoom away, but Billy breaks down and cries like a big girl, which is actually rather affecting even to an old cynic such as myself.

And finally, Mrs Goggins tells TriniDad that her mother is coming over from Montserrat to meet him and that they can be a proper family at last. @@@ even wants to take TriniDad's picture to school! TriniDad realises that he hasn't thought this lying-about-the-DNA-results thing through and looks uncomfortable. This has to be one of the stupidest storylines yet for EE, and I'm even including the romance between Alan's mother and Felix the butterfly collector. Gah.

DOWNS DOWN, DEEPER AND DOWN...
Davetta's ring is too big for her, and PantoJane's clearing every corner of the cafe in a frantic search for her engagement bauble. Pat, the East End's answer to Miss Marple - though I bet Miss M had a much fruitier past, especially the Geraldine McEwan one - eyes BroJo suspiciously. BroJo does some fancy footwork - getting the ring back off Davetta and dropping it in PJane's handbag when she's not looking for PJ to find it later and buying Davetta something from Elizabeth Duke. It's not like Davetta would notice anyway. Indeed, Davetta is so dazzled by the cubic zirconia's sparkle that she thinks BroJo flinching every time she touches him is the frisson of barely-suppressed passion.

Bradley and Stacey realise that they're not going to get swanky Docklands flats on a secretary City chap and a market stall trader's earnings, and Bradley asks Davetta if they can move into Chez Lee. Blimey, the earth has barely settled on his shallow grave and they're already going through his stuff. Davetta makes a thoughtful face and announces to BroJo that they're moving out of the Slater Tardis and into Chez Lee. BroJo nearly goes into spasms over the idea of living with the flowered borders and Barry's remains all over the cellar, and tries to spend Hallowe'en on the sofa instead of watching Davetta shake her barely-legal booty in a leather catsuit at the club. Davetta gets all teary and forces him to spend the day comparing paint swatches in Habitat to prove that he loves her. BroJo's Evil Hug Face count goes through the roof. He gets his revenge by bullying Bradley and JoJo to move in and help with the mortgage or something. Davetta ups the control ante - wow, this girl has ISSUES - and plans a "romantic surprise" weekend in Venice. Aside from the fact that the words "romantic" and "surprise" always spell "mindbending disaster" in Eastenders World, does BroJo look like the kind of man who'd enjoy being serenaded in a gondola? Think so, I do not. BroJo holds back the physical revulsion only just, and says he's not going because it's JoJo's 18th birthday and he doesn't want to miss that. Is it me, or does anybody else think that his relationship with JoJo is a bit...well...creepy? I think JoJo agrees with me.

PantoJane is relieved at getting her ring back, but NOT FOR LONG. Ian's got plans for a huge swanky wedding. PantoJane tells him that she wants a registry office do with a couple of sandwiches in the park afterwards. But then Ian's got all those inlaws from his former marriages to keep sweet, so he sends out the invites for Hotel Des Poshoes anyway. Jane throws the ring at him and says the wedding's off. Then it's on again. Then there's an engagement party in the Vic that Ian uses as a PR opportunity - I'm sorry, is Stephen Merchant his PR monkey or something? PantoJane agrees to marry him after he makes an emotional speech about switching off CJ Dave's life support or something. Ian makes an evil face, just in case we didn't realise that this is another super elaborate Bealemeister setup.

Phoney really can't cope with the concept of a child who is may possibly be stupider than her. Billy meets an old friend with a Downs kid at the Downs Encounter Group, and has lots of fun engaging with parents etc. Phoney tries not to go "Eww!". She wrecks Petal's room and runs off into the night to discuss...adoption! Meanwhile, Babs has a change of heart and says she can love Petal after all, which is nice. Because Billy has a massive care home flashback and takes Petal to live with Babs until Phoney changes her mind. Phoney does lots of weeping and looking very sad indeed, and begs Billy to come back (and bring the baby if he has to). She tells the health visitor that she has changed her mind, then gets this [---] close to putting a pillow over Petal's sleeping face, but doesn't (phew!) and sits on the bed in mentalist staring mode.

Over at the TriniDad's. Geoffrey the Fresh Butler is slimy and tells TriniDad that Yolande is a no good 'ho before disappearing off to rearrange P Diddy's wardrobe or something. TriniDad believes him. Yolande: sad. @@ calls TriniDad "grandad" and gets him to do the paternity test. It comes back negative, but TriniDad doesn't tell Mrs Goggins, and lets the Gogginses believe that they're all family - well, in EE world they probably are really. Yolande announces that she's leaving, but TriniDad says he forgives her too, so she stays. Gogginses/TriniDads: happy, but maybe with a Troubled Hug Face.

In other news: GADawn breaks up with Slimy Metrosexual, then gets back together with him. Maybe Equity was cutting up rough, and the producers had to give her a few lines so that she could keep her card. Beano and Chelski find Parklife and Mrs G in a "compromising position" over at the Gogginses' old place. Ew

BRO JO DOUGH? NO GO! D'OH!
I don’t see no nativity scene but this is certainly a crib! I was out a lot last week! I am going on holiday tomorrow! This is going to be short!

1. It is Chlobecca’s birthday and Poline and Moomin initiate CAKE WAR!!! This does not involve actually fighting with cakes unfortunately. Instead they compete to make a nice cake for C-Bec. Dot makes one for Moomin to present, as she can see what Poline is up to, and then it mysteriously ends up on the floor. (at this point I shout “Poline, you are a transparent bitch!” at the TV) Moomin has a reserve shop bought cake though. In other news, Moomin and Martin have a shag. Gasp! Vom! Etc!

2. Phoney is still not coping with the baybay. In a scene laden with GCSE Symbolism, she starts arranging a Dolls House and then throws all the toy furniture onto the floor. EE script staff now have to write “I am not Ibsen” 100 times as punishment.

3. Nurse Tanyah’s salon is not doing well so Dadley goes to a successful salon round the corner and poaches their key staff member – an asian woman called Preti or something. It looks like he wants to poach more than just her employment contract if you know what I mean and I think you do.

4. Trinidad invites Geoffrey from Fresh Prince (yes, I looked that name up – I do research!!) to tea and ends up having a drunken brawl with him. Yolande sends him to bed early and then drunkenly shags Geoffrey? Or does she? OMG drunken blackout infidelity shame! Long story short – she didn’t and Geoffrey is a fantasist and serial liar and prob not Mrs Goggins dad either. Bye Geoffrey! Back to silver service temp agency for you!

5. Ugh, I just cannot get excited about this Davetta/Brojo storyline. Basically everyone is going “ohs noes! Where is Lee!” and BroJo is smarming round Davetta and doing many soap style over the shoulder mean face hugs etc (there should actually be a short verb for this activity) and trying not to act too bored while Davetta prattles on about her Bratz dolls or whatever. Then everyone is saying that he is a bad ‘un and not to trusted and then BroJo has to persuade Davetta not to give all her inheritance to charity. It is Tony Bennet’s funeral. At some point Davetta finds that the money has gone from the club safe and suspects Brojo. The only way he can quickly think of to get her to forgive him is to nick Pantojane’s engagement ring and leave it for Davetta to handily find. He says he was thinking of proposing to her ages ago but then everything went all tits up. Davetta squeals “oh yes, lets get married!!” They then go to se the solicitor executing Tony Bennet’s will and he says that Davetta can only have enough money to live on for the time being and won’t get her mahoosive fortune until she is 21. Brojo: gutted.