GROUNDHOG LAY
Davetta is busy with her teenage angst and calls JoJo over to watch her writhe around on her teeny teenage bed and wail about Curly. JoJo can't see the attraction, but says all the right things and makes tea. Meanwhile Curly's worried that Davetta might try throwing herself at him again. Lee tells him to stay away or Tony will kill him. Curly says: "Well DUH!"

ETina is still moping around - nice to see that some things don't change. OK, Pop Quiz. Fill in your own answer...

ETina goes to see Tony. Why?

1. She wants to discuss the possibility of sentient life existing elsewhere in the universe.


2. She wants to discuss their relationship and deliver an ultimatum that Tony will ultimately fail to keep, thus unwittingly calling her bluff and forcing her to make a momentous decision.


3. She wants to tell him that Pat has initiated her in the ways of Lady Love and she doesn't know what she saw in him in the first place.

Yep, you're right. Ultimatum. Tony fails to meet deadline. Off she goes in a very very slow taxi that has to drive about six times around the square before Tony stops it with his Gangsta Hand of Truth and promises ETina that he'll tell Davetta and have her round to dinner and everything. Hmmm...no...still don't care.

Dot wants to learn to drive. Jim and TriniDad mock her but Poline tells her to be strong. Jim looks scared for his precious darling: that's the car, not Dot.

Oooh...what's with Poline and her face like a smacked arse? She's horrible to everybody, even Gay Pike. Moomin takes it on herself to find out why. MMartin looks nervous, but it's too late. MOOMIN POWERS ACTIVATE! Even the full force of the Moomin Beam of Niceness fails to dent Poline's Cloud of Bitterness. In fact, it only makes her stronger, and Moomin is only saved from total destruction by Dot's Saintly Old Lady halo. Poline keeps muttering about the Moominbaby and I just knew that plot wouldn't just go away and die quietly.

Fool/Drippy have opted for the "we'll just hover around each other until the entire world says: 'ENOUGH! JUST SHAG ALREADY!'" device. Fool is going on a speed-dating evening with AGarry and Minty: I thought that idea had already died the death of a thousand pointy sticks on According to Bex. He buys a stripey pink shirt for the occasion and Drippy looks sad.

HELLO JIM, GOT A NEW MOTOR?
Dot has made Jim sleep in the new car. They argue about it and Jim said he was just thinking of her and how nice it would be to drive around the UK and go on holidays and pilgrimages and so on. Yolande pops up long enough to say that it is a cool car. Dot starts furtively looking at brochures about Scotland etc and seems to be coming round to the idea. She goes to the pub with Jim, Trini-Dad and Yolande and they talk about the car. Dot isn’t confident that Jim is physically capable of driving to Scotland so she announces that she is going to learn to drive too. I fear that this is going to lead to non-comedy shenanigans aplenty but still, good for Dot!

Davetta has got a crush on Curly and, as she is 15 years old, thinks she is dying of unrequited love. She confides in JoJo and they hatch a cunning scheme. Davetta dresses up in her best top and then phones Curly from school and asks him to collect her as she is feeling unwell. When he gets her home she says she feels better and is all “Do you like my top? Do you like me? What do you think of me?” She then sprays 7-up all over herself and runs off in tears. Once she has changed, Curly finds her and says “You look very nice, even a MUCH OLDER MAN like myself thinks you look nice. I bet the boys at school who are THE SAME AGE AS YOU think you look nice too.” Well done for Curly for being sensible for once, though he did have five minutes to think about it. Later Davetta tells JoJo that he let her down in a really sweet thoughtful way and she lurves him more than ever. Heh. JoJo and Davetta are great. Dear EE supremo, please continue to let them have normal teenage hijinks and don’t make either of them pregnant or anything.

Mo tells Fool that Drippy has a new man and that he stood her up. Because he is a mental midget, Fool doesn’t realise that Mo is talking about him. He acts weird and distant with Drippy all day. AGarry and Minty ask Fool for advice on women and get him to agree to go speed dating with them. More strained weirdness with Fool and Drippy. I don’t know why AG and Minty are having lurve problems – there’s nothing a woman likes more than a palpable aura of sweaty desperation.

ETina continues to whine to Pat and Tony Bennett. Lee totally guesses what is going on (I don’t think he is supposed to know officially) and makes a few snide remarks. Pat suggests that Tony is just using his daughter as an excuse to not commit to ETina. ETina puts this notion to Tony and suggests that because his wife and daughter died in a fiery inferno (OR DID THEY!!!) he is afraid of doing anything that might drive Davetta away. She says that she can be trusted to be nice to Davetta and says that unless he tells her about them, it is ovah forevah. If only this poxy storyline was ovah forevah.

MASQUERADE
I had people round while this was on, so it’s all a bit confused and I probably missed something really important. Oh well.

Everyone is making a big fuss about the St George’s Day fancy dress party. Mo has acquired some costumes from somewhere, which she is hiring out cheaply. Minty dresses up as Churchill and shows his non comedy stylings by doing a bad Churchill impression. AGarry dresses up as Henry 8th and gets all the other Slater women (plus Davetta) to dress up as wives (though I prefer Jojo’s original choice of a Ginger Spice outfit). AGarry is still horny and desperate to pull – he tries macking on ETina but she sends him packing. Teen is back, btw.

LadyDen wears a Cleopatra outfit and says she is Elizabeth Taylor – even though the clothes that Liz Taylor wore for real from the 60s to the 80s would have made a much funnier costume. Curly dresses up as Tom Baker/Doctor Who. Dot wears a crown with her normal sensible coat and Poline dresses up as Brittania, complete with bin lid shield and garden fork trident. Heh. Jim is supposed to be Michael Caine (cue another bad impression) but in his sharp 60s suit and mop style fright wig he looks more like Jim Pertwee Dr Who. Dot sends him off to order the furniture while she goes to the party with Poline.

Billy wants to dress up as a cowboy and spends ages expaining about English cowboys. I don’t care! Shut up! In the end he shrinks his horrid fringed shirt in the wash and has to put as towel on his head and go as Lawrence of (Sexy) Arabia(n Blokes) instead. He has a nice chat with Drippy, just to make sure they are all friends before the whole Drippy/Slutty/Fool/Billy love quadrangle kicks off.

Pat dresses up as a tran-tastic Diana Dors, complete with blonde wig and glittery black dress. Mo makes fun of her and Pat says they should bury the hatchet and buys her a drink. I don’t know who ETina is supposed to be in her red pleather bustier– a famous whore? Lee and Tony Bennett aren’t allowed to be served until they put a costume on, so Lee goes and changes into his West Ham pyjamas so he can stand by the bar and gaze at LadyDen’s norks all evening. Tony Bennett puts on a lame hat. Is he supposed to be Maurice Gibb or something? ETina gives him the cold shoulder until he offers to buy her a drink so they can have a proper talk. At the bar, he runs into JoJo and tells her to stay away from Davetta. Jojo says “She needs all the friends she can get while you’re neglecting her so much” Touche. Tony Bennett ditches ETina and goes to chat with Davetta. ETina strops off home. I should make a macro for this phrase to go along with my “Teen is whiny and clingy” macro.

Jim defies Dot and, instead of buying a three-piece suite, buys a little car instead, so they can go to all the places they ever wanted to go. Like Chigwell. It is one of those really old fashioned, half timbered ones, I think. I am rubbish at cars. Dot is shocked and appalled.

Drippy is dressed as one of AGarry’s Elizabethan damsels. She mopes around and pines for Fool. Some mysterious bloke shows up at the party dressed as Richard the Lionheart, complete with chainmail armour and a full face helmet. Who could it be? I bet you can never guess. LadyDen announces the costume winner and it is the mystery King Richard. He takes off his helmet and it is Fool. Surprise! Drippy makes a simpery face.

HER STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN
After all the “excitement” of Tuesday’s episode everything is back to normal today.

Billy is dragged in to be questioned by DI Cheferton. Billy stonewalls and says he doesn’t know anything about what Fill has been up to in the last 16 months. Cheferton has to let him go in the end, but not before pointing out spitefully that it is funny that Fill managed to evade the police for 16 months and then was captured the second he trusted Billy to help him. Billy looks a bit queasy. Pat is also questioned and released but her interrogation takes place off camera, so we don’t get to see whether she used “Basic Instinct” style tactics to bamboozle the cops. Afterwards Billy keeps going on about what a genius he is for not helping the police. Shut up, Billy.

Martin plans a special night out for Moomin, which turns out to be cold chips in a shed in the allotment. Instead of instantly dumping him, Moomin finds this romantic.

Poline looks even more sour than usual and makes lots of passive-aggressive comments about how under-appreciated she is. She guilt-trips Dot into covering her shift at the laundrette and goes to sulk in the allotment. In the rain. Why not just cover yourself in sacking and ashes and listen to some Smiths records while you’re at it, Poline. Ian tracks her down (to get her to babysit) and listens to her whining for hours. He talks her out of trying to get the moominbaby back and takes her for a drink to cheer her up.

Dot and Jim argue about what to do with their backdated pension credit windfall. Dot wants to buy a dishwasher and Jim wants to spend it on coke and hookers. Jim goes to collect it and finds out they are getting 4 grand instead of a few hundred quid (decimal places are tricky, apparently). He contemplates not telling Dot and buying a widescreen TV with the extra money (I think Dot would notice that and want to know where the money came from, genius) but Dot finds out at the last minute and says they can buy a new three piece suite instead, because she is a killjoy who hates fun. TriniDad seems to find all this hysterically funny. TriniDad needs to get out more.

LadyDen spends all day fluttering her eyelids at Lee, who sits ay the bar saying, “You’re lovely, you are” repeatedly. They all talk some more about the St Georges Day malarkey, so LadyDen decides to throw a party that no one will ever forget – a English History themed fancy dress party! The horror, etc. Drippy finds out that Fool is due back that day and gets all excited. She asks LadyDen if it is possible to talk to a man in a familiar way without becoming betrothed to him. LadyDen says it is all just a bit of fun and that they will have to find a man for her, even though Drippy has been wittering on about Fool all day. Perhaps LadyDen’s gigantic hair is obscuring her hearing. Drippy contrives to spill beer down herself and goes home to change into a fancy, but unpleasant, frock. Mo guesses that she has a man but doesn’t know who it is. When Drippy gets back to the bar, Lee says Fool isn’t coming home that day after all. Drippy is sad, not least because her fancy frock will now reek of beer and fags and she will have to get it dry cleaned. All for nothing! Nothing!

ETina runs into Tony Bennett in the caff and finds out that he is poorly and has a temperature. She tells him to go home and get himself tucked up in bed and hatches a cunning plan to prove that she is an actual earth woman and not an alien star beast from beyond the Crab Nebula. She goes round with some soup and lemsip etc and nurtures him, because she is a woman and is therefore nurturing. The house is a mess and ETina is constantly drawn to a big pile of ironing, because she is a woman and is therefore domestic. They watch an old black and white film on the sofa together and ETina simpers “This is my favourite bit!” as a couple kiss on screen – yes, ETina is a woman and is therefore romantic. Tony falls asleep and Etina does all the ironing and tidies up. Davetta comes home from college earlier than expected so Tony panics and sends ETina packing out the back way. She stomps off in a strop, making super-dramatic soap style angry faces. Bah! Foiled by the human child again! Can we move on with this plot now, please.

BEALEMEISTER UNBOUND
Fill takes off his hat and says “Hello Billy” in that annoying voice of his that always makes me want to clear my throat. He sits down and starts knocking back vodka (great – it’s not just Fill but Red Drunken Angry Fill) and explains that he is on the run from the cops and needs £3k cash immediately. He asks where Sham is? Why there is a “dodgy bint” in the Vic? Where is Drippy? Where is Kyert? Billy explains the storylines for the last couple of years – thanks scriptwriter but we have been actually watching, unfortunately – and asks why Fill isn’t in Rio with Babs and Grant. I think the “with Babs and Grant” bit is the answer there. Fill suggests they go round all the businesses and start raiding tills but Billy puts him off by saying that Sham is away and he doesn’t work for her any more. He completely fails to mention that Sham has LOST EVERYTHING. He says he can borrow £3k no problem and runs off. ETina comes downstairs and Fill grabs her and tells her to keep quiet. The police start knocking at the door and Pat comes down and asks Fill what he is doing there – she tells him to go out the back and that she will stall the cops. Fill skips off and Pat answers the door – it is DI Cheferton, asking after Fill and Billy. Pat invites him in and camps it up (like, even more than usual) while ETina sits there all tight lipped. As if she wouldn’t have done this before in her ten yr relationship with Tony Bennett.

Fill ninjas around the back streets with all the grace and stealth of a portly rhino. It is quite cruel that the script requires him to do so much running in this episode. The police are everywhere but none of them notice him. It is like a rubbish playstation game where the baddies don’t do anything until you go over to them and kick them in the head and then you can avoid them by just popping into the next room.

Speaking of the Tonester, that is where Billy goes to borrow cash. Tony says he won’t at first but then does on the condition that Fill never comes to Walford and causes fuss and disturbance again. Pathetic. Billy runs back into Pat’s waving the money in the air like a fool and, of course, the police are still there and make him explain himself - Billy says he won the money gambling, but there were no witnesses as it was a secret invisible betting shop, or something. DI Cheferton suggests fingerprinting the vodka glass. Ruh roh.

Fill busts into Ian’s house and grabs Ian round the throat. Sweet. Ian whimpers “I’ll scream!” Ha ha ha. Fill punches him in the face and demands money. Ian gives him some cash but says he doesn’t have any more. Fill takes him upstairs and starts flushing his head down the toilet. This is more like it. Jane knocks on the door and asks if he is alright and Ian says he is sick. Sick of being bitch-slapped by morons, more like. They go back downstairs and Fill growls and says “Grr, smash” a lot and “terrorises” Ian. He is distracted from his terrorising by a picture of Ben and Kaffee on Ian’s fridge. He starts snivelling about how he is a deadbeat dad who never sees his kids anymore. Sympathy anyone? Bueller? Anyone? No? DC Lucy comes downstairs and Fill grabs her while Ian puts off the police, who are door-to-door-ing like crazy by now (it’s quite funny – whenever the cops knock on a door a blue flashing light immediately shines through the window, suggesting that the police have got lights on top of their helmets). DC Lucy glowers at Fill but Ian comes back in before she can make his head explode like in Scanners. He tells Fill to wait in the Arches (which are his now, oh yes) while he goes and gets the money. Fill prances off again and avoids the Playstation Cops with ease. He loiters round the Arches (turning the light on like a fool – it is no wonder the cops are ten paces behind you, Fill) and contemplates phoning Ben is Sarf Afrika (way to use up all your prepay, Fill). He hears a noise outside, so of course he opens the door to have a look (still like a fool). The cops actually spot him this time so chasing ensues. He scampers around but is beset by cops everywhere he turns. He runs into Minty (Minty: “Daddy! I mean Fill! Is that you?”) and then breaks into Poline’s house. Him and Moomin stare soulfully at each other for a bit, making me dread a recap of Jaymee’s Lament, but then the police show up and he runs off, disrupting Poline’s doilies and knick-knacks in the process. Moomin is all for stalling the cops, but Poline calls her a “stupid little girl” (meow!!) and tells the police he went thataway.

Fill is finally cornered. The cops seem to think they are in a Bruce Lee film and politely attack him one at a time, until one of them shouts “Bundle!” and they all pile in and cream him. Everyone else on the square twitches their curtains and makes sad faces. DI Cheferton comes over for a quick gloat and then Ian shows up all smug and superior, saying “Bwah hah hah, your children were always your greatest weakness, Mitchell. Shower carefully in prison!” It is not clear whether Ian grassed him up or not, but Billy makes a scrunchy face so he seems to think he did. Fill is dragged off in chains to the Big House. Byeee!

FEE FI FILL FUM
Sorry Filmfan, I can’t call this “Attack of the Killer Potato” when Fill doesn’t actually do any attacking or killing. “Lurk of the Chubby Potato” maybe?

In other news, ETina has her first day at work at the club and gets herself gussied up in a shiny red dress for the occasion. The auditions for the Fabulous Baker Boys are over, ETina! Over, I say!! She makes sarcastic comments when Lee tries to patronise her/teach her how to serve drinks and solves the problem of running out of vodka (Worse. Club. Ever) by offering the punter a “Tina Colada” instead. Tina? Colada? I can’t believe she said that. Tony Bennett keeps trying to lure her into his office for some slap and tickle but she says no and that things aren’t back to normal. Tony Bennett is sad. And horny.

Poline is even more sour than usual. Dot asks why and Poline says she is sad that no-one made a fuss about her 60th birthday, even though she asked them not to. Poline asks if Moomin is staying round for tea and Moomin says “fuck you, bitch!” (actually she says, “I have a course in the evening” and Poline takes it as a “fuck you”) Dot runs around and buys cake, champagne, chocolates etc and invites Poline round for a “Party for Two” as per the irritating Shania Twain song. They have a nice chat about feeling old, past it and invisible in today’s modern world and agree to use their free bus passes to travel round London and look at art galleries and have picnics etc. Poline says she is lonely and feels purposeless in life without all her family around her, but is glad that Dot is her friend and that they have no secrets. Dot says that actually she does have a secret, makes her promise not to tell Moomin and then tells Poline about the Chloe/Rebecca moominbaby shenanigans. Poline starts ranting on about how Chloe is her flesh and blood and should be with her real family. Oh God, not again. Dot starts bleating “But the law! The law!” and Poline says “To hell with the law! We don’t need no stinking badges. Etc.” Dot, what exactly did you think would happen after Poline just spent the last half hour moaning that she feels purposeless and misses her family? Poline snits off and Dot says feebly “Happy Birthday!” Poline says grumpily, “It’s not my birthday.” Bitch.

LadyDen has spent her time off achieving hitherto unknown levels of volume in her hair. Everyone keeps saying she should have a St George’s Day do in the Vic, but no-one can actually remember what Fool did last year. She keeps getting heavy breathing phone calls where the person doesn’t say anything and then hangs up. Who could it be? We get a glimpse of a fat little hand holding a mobile phone. I dread to think what the other hand is doing. LadyDen goes down to the cellar to get some crisps or something and is disturbed by a strange noise. Sadly it is not Zombie Den rising from beyond the grave. A Mysterious Stranger lurks around lurkily. Who could it be? Eh? Eh?

Pat gets a mystery phone call too. Billy is hanging round the club like a bad smell so Tony Bennett gives him £50 to “take a pretty girl for a drink”. Presumably Billy can’t find a pretty girl who charges under £50, so he takes Pat out for a drink instead and they lark around. Billy wins the jackpot in the slot machine and has a good time. He tells Pat that he is happy and that his life is finally turning around, so you just know something bad is going to happen. As they go home, Pat’s Super Spy Earrings detect a disturbance in the Force, but she can’t pinpoint the cause. She goes upstairs to bed and Billy potters around in the kitchen. The Mysterious Stranger comes into the kitchen and, gasp! It is Fill! (oh for the days when plot twists were actually surprising and weren’t telegraphed in TV magazines for weeks in advance.) He looks very plump and beardy – like a Hamster Who Walks Like A Man. Billy stares at him blankly, though I like the suggestion in Rupert Smith’s Guardian TV review that he should have just sighed wearily and said “Oh, what is it now?”

JOJO TO THE RESCUE
Dear journos, I know that plagiarism is a way of life for some people who couldn't spell "copyright" unless they paid some hapless junior academic a fiver to do it for them. However, even if you did find it on the Internet, it is still illegal to nick our material without acknowledging your source. So kindly fuck off and write your own gags instead of leeching off other peoples' talent.

My excuse for missing out Tuesday's entry is that Mark was pouring beer and Bombay mix down my throat in a dingy Fleet St hostelry.

Moving swiftly on, Davetta prepares a special breakfast for TB so that they can talk, and JoJo worries about her. Especially when TB ignores breakfast and walks straight over to ETina's new home and whinges to ETina.

ETina should have special Aretha Franklin theme music for all her scenes to underline Goddess Pat's teaching that there is more to self-worth than lying on your back wearing diamond earrings. She gets a job in a dress shop, and Pat wears a special migraine-inducing psychedelic tent to celebrate. I'm not sure if what happens next is a hallucination or not, but I think JoJo tells Davetta to pretend to run away. Then Davetta TB have another scene where he demonstrates again that he is the Worst Dad in the World. Ever. All Davetta wants to talk about are her feelings about the Grand Immolation, but TB says that's what pychiatrists are for and strops off to ETina's to whinge at her. ETina somehow gets talked into jacking in the dress shop job (duh! free clothes!) and instead takes a job at TB's club, probably as a "hostess" or something. Meanwhile Davetta cries into JoJo's shoulder.

There's something about TriniDad and Yolande selling vegetables and MMartin getting cross about not being the only veg man in East London any more. Moomin's powers are back in full working order, and she connects this somehow with the Plot That Won't Die and MMartin's feelings of inadequacy in the face of his mother's disapproval. She explains free market economics to MMartin. Yolande gives JoJo an extra few quid for stacking potatoes, and JoJo offers to buy Davetta some chips. She calls Davetta "swotty tart", which only makes me (and Davetta by the look of things) love her more.

Drippy's back and disappointed that Fool is off celebrating Backstreet's birthday, which seems to be taking an awful long time to happen. Mind you, I do know someone whose 21st birthday celebrations went on for a week, so maybe that's how the Young People do it these days. Big Mo is still interrupting Minty and AGarry's lovenesting. AGarry moans that he expected to be waking up next to a gorgeous bird with lovely legs, wearing his shirt. Instead he has Minty in a grey dressing gown, or at least he would have if Mo didn't keep barging in and ogling his assets. Minty and AGarry get Rainman to have a word, so Mo transfers her weird nurturing frenzy to him instead. Rainman escapes to AGarry to watch his precious gameshows. Minty/AGarry: cross.

RUBY: TUESDAY TO THURSDAY
On Tuesday, Poline was sad at the anniversary of mark’s death; Tony Bennett threw ETina out of the shag pad and Davetta slept-walked, locked herself out and was rescued by JoJo.

Thursday…

Mo comes into the garage while Minty is lying on his little trolley thing and stares at his crotch for a while before “toying” with the trolley with her foot. Minty moans to Agarry that he is being sexually harassed and begs him to stop letting Mo come round in the evenings and horning in on their gay love idyll. AGarry tries to put Mo off but she comes round that evening anyway and tries to get in the shower with Minty (mercifully this takes place off camera). Minty shouts at her to leave him alone and Mo lies and says it has all been a joke and stays for the evening anyway. Keep your bedroom windows locked, Minty!

Mo and Charly are sick of Jojo scrounging money and say that if she doesn’t get a job soon they will get one for her. Mo arranges a couple of horrid jobs (washing grannies’ hair at a hair salon – Poline says “I bet she would scald people on purpose!” Heh – or shovelling poo at a dog kennels.) JoJo pleads for TriniDad and Yolande to let her have her job back (I can spot a shoplifter at ten paces – set a thief to catch a thief, etc) and they agree.

Demi is talking about a christening for Aleesha, even though the family is not remotely religious. Keef finally realises that Demi doesn’t trust him to look after the baybay. The deciding factor is when Rosie Klebb shouts “look over there!” and runs off with the bqaybay when his back is turned. He “confronts” Demi and says it is good for her to be so responsible and think about the baybay and she says she is just worried in case he has to read instructions on a medicine bottle or whatever. He asks who she trusts most to look after the baybay who isn’t a family member (she says Drippy, Poline and Dot. In your face Moomin!) so he says he will always get them to help if he needs to do anything reading related re the baybay.

Tony wants to send Davetta to a shrink after her sleepwalking shenanigans. She asks if he has thanked Jojo for saving her and he says he will, but doesn’t. Bad Tony Bennett. She doesn’t really want to see the shrink but agrees reluctantly. She is talking about it to JoJo who starts going on about how Davetta is suffering from repression and once she saw a film where someone was covered with boils or something because they were repressed and if Davetta let herself grieve for her mum/sister then she would be OK and stop sleepwalking. I think JoJo must have studied psychiatry at the University of TV Movies Starring Tori Spelling.

ETina (PS Sun journalist – what’s the matter, doesn’t Murdoch pay you enough to think up your own jokes?) has moved out of the Shag Pad and into Pat’s Refuge for Pointless Soap Opera Characters. Her and Tony Bennett have a few repetitive scenes as follows: Tony “Move back and carry on doing what I say!” ETina “No, you’re not my boss!” Tony: “Then move out of Walford!” ETina “No, you’re not my boss!” Tony: “Grrr! and also: Doh!”. Next! ETina also gets in a few cracks about how Tony is a rubbish dad. Go ETina!

Dot and Poline have some nice scenes where they gossip and arrange to go out for a fancy lunch. Dot moans about the missing doorstop of Death and LadyDen has a episode fo nerves. Poline starts moaning that she is sad about the missing moominbaby but can’t talk to Martin about it. Dot looks understandably concerned. Aargh, it is the return of the plots that refuse to die!

ETINA PHONE TONY
I kept falling asleep during this so it is going to be a bit rubbish. Reading the BBC recap however, I am not surprised that I kept lapsing into a total coma of boredom!

AGarry is moving out of the Slater TARDIS into his love nest with Minty. Mo agrees to help for the price of 6 cans of strong lager. Minty and Mo make jokes about Garry’s porn stash and Minty (or Garry? So sleepy…) says “You won’t be needing that once we live together as we’ll have the real thing all the time!” Alert! Alert! Gaydar overloading! Mo continues her futile flirtation with Minty and sits next to him on the sofa and rubs herself against his manly thigh, or something.

It is Keef’s first day on the stall. Dumber hands him a clock and takes a photo to commemorate the fact that Keef is up before 8 am for the first time ever. Heh. On the stall, Keef is predictably rubbish and keeps spending all the petty cash on cups of tea and bacon sarnies. Only bread and water for Keef! Mickney is cross but Keef is oblivious. Demi decides she doesn’t want to go to school any more. Under questioning from Rosie Klebb, it turns out that she thinks Keef is too thick to look after Aleesha when she is away. She might have a point.

Yolande and TriniDad get a call from the Social, asking if they are ready to resume their foster-antics. Yolande wants to but TriniDad is still too sad about Bad Brutha. Get over it, TD – in soap time that happened in a previous geological epoch! BB eventually says that he is willing to give it a go again, but Yolande says she is happy to wait until he is 100% ready.

Tony Bennett is a Tool: Part One.
It is Davetta’s first day at school. Davetta is worried about not making any friends and Tony says “Friends are bad! They prevent you from studying.” Way to be encouraging. Tony says he will take her to school, but then changes his mind and gets Curly to drive her over instead. Later on he is wrapped up in his ETina drama-rama and is neglectful again. Davetta is sad. He says they can eat together but then he sees that she has written an essay about her dead (OR ARE THEY???) mum and sister for homework and freaks out and leaves her to eat alone. Maybe JoJo will grass him up to Social Services and then Yolande can foster-parent Davetta!

Tony Bennett is a Tool: Part Two
ETina and Tony Bennett don’t talk to each other for a bit after ETina’s non-flirtation with Blokey Bloke the other day. When they do talk, Tony moans about ETina being a slaggg and ETina says she didn’t do anything wrong. Pat’s magic earrings detect the waves of dischord and she goes over to ETina for a chat and tells her not to be too clingy or she will drive Tony away. Tony spots Pat and ETina talking and tells her off for gossiping and daring to have friends. Gosh Tony Bennett, why don’t you just lock ETina in a tall tower and hide the key in a secret dungeon or something. ETina moans about being kept apart from Tony Bennett’s life etc etc and he goes mental and tells her to get out of Walford for good. Ooo! Who died and made you king? (Editor: Byrite)

FRIDAY NIGHT, SUNDAY MORNING
Tonight it's all about Trust, readers. Trust.

ETina's stropping about the market and is too busy not talking to Tony Bennet to notice a tall hunky Irishman walking towards her. Irish bloke gets cappucino over his jacket, and flirts celtically with ETina as Tony glowers in the background. ETina tells Tony to get lost. Tony: thoughtful.

Keef offers to take Demi and CuteBabyAleesha (ooooh! poppet!) to the doctors for CBA's jabs. There follows a public service announcement on the benefits of infant vaccination (polio, pertussis and diptheria), thinly disguised as a reminiscence of Keef's diseased and crippled relatives. Demi looks shifty. There's some nonsense about missing appointments, and Poline pops up to tell Demi that she should always do what's best for the baby or something. I was too busy gazing fondly at CBA, to be honest. Bealemeister Jr says that Keef must be pretty clever to be able to sign on without knowing how to read, so Dumber has a new respect for his dad. He imparts this to Demi, saying that he brought them up OK. I mean, she might be a mother at 14, and he might be a pint-size Fagin, but they're not bed-hopping murderers like their neighbours, I suppose.

Rosie bullies Mickney into giving Keef a job on the stall (Mickney protests that Keef is "more ming than bling"). Demi declares that she has decided to leave school and look after CBA full-time. Oh for... I hereby declare the Dolescum house a Logic-Free Zone: not even Croydon remedial classes are this stupid.

Fool is looking for a post box because he won't leave Ethel alone with Curly in case Curly breaks the other leg. Dude, Backstreet lives in Maidstone, not Melbourne. I've heard they have roads and the telegraphic speaking device and everything. Curly spends the rest of the episode moving furniture about and being mysterious. Fool strops about not seeing Backstreet - careful mate, that stigmata might start leaking all over the antimacassars. He comes home to find Ethel installed in the downstairs living room, with a little bell and teamaking stuff and everything. Bless! Fool departs for deepest Kent, a happier man. Bye Fool!

Davetta and JoJo listen to the Scissor Sisters and talk about how they will eventually drift apart because JoJo is a teen slapper and Davetta is a brainiac with a future. Davetta says she'll never let that happen, and they dance around the house until Tony comes home and tells Davetta to turn that rubbish down. JoJo slips out the back door.

Tony talks his way back into ETina's affections (it takes about ten seconds), then presents her with a brochure for a stylish modern lifestyle statement-type development. Probably a flat in a converted school in Bermondsey or something. ETina is unimpressed by the pictures of Rye Lane's famous antique shops, and asks if Davetta is moving in with them too. Tony says that he'll divide his time between Davetta and ETina, so he'll be living with both of them. Just not at the same time. Or in the same place. Something to do with him not being a proper dad for Blonde Davetta, but he's buggered if he's going to let this Davetta go the same way. Maybe he set fire to Blonde Davetta and Mrs TB because they were dirty and needed to be cleansed...

ETina tells Tony it's ovah, and gets all dolled up to go out on the pull. At Tony's club (where he appears to have pinched Davetta's Scissor Sisters DVD). She bumps into Charming Irishman who turns out to be very charming but quite boring and he wants to get into the limo business. Anyway, ETina agrees to go out to dinner with him, but chickens out when Tony protests. Limo Boy has a go at ETina, and she is left, alone, crying in the night.

RUBY, DON’T TAKE YOUR LOVE TO TONE
It is ETina’s 40th birthday – but is that in human years or alien years?? Tony Bennett sends her a big bunch of flowers and they stand on opposite sides of the Square waving and blowing kisses to each other. Subtle. Pat spots them and her huge red super-spy earrings detects the currents of Lurve wafting between them. She makes a knowing face. There is some malarkey about a docklands luxury flat that Tony is buying or something, but I missed that bit so I don’t know. He goes round later and gives ETina a jewellery box. Her little face lights up but then she is devastated when she sees it is just diamond earrings, as earrings are taboo and forbidden on her home planet. Only joking, she was hoping for an engagement ring. She explains why she is sad and Tony says it is too difficult to go public, with Davetta and all. He asks what she wants as her birthday treat and she asks for a quiet night in. Tony promises to be there without fail, so we can all guess what’s going to happen.

Fool gets a letter “from Backstreet” inviting him and Ethel 2.0 to stay for his birthday. Curly is excited as it means he can have a wild party. Um Curly, you are gorwn up and can have a wild party whenever you like. Fool buys a poster of a secxy laydee for Backstreet. I think you might be barking up the wrong tree there, Fool. The Moons are looking at it in the market when Jojo walks past and says “Pervs!” in a perfectly disgusted voice. Heh. Ethel 2.0 gets all excited too and falls off a chair and sprains her ankle. They make it all dramatic though, so you think she’s broken her hip or something. For some reason this is Curly’s fault.

Pat corners ETina in the Vic, gives her a birthday card and comments on her sparkly earrings. She lets her know that she knows about Tony and mentions vaguely that she “knew” him when they were young. We discover that ETina has been kept for ten whole years. Pat says she is around if ever ETina needs a chat and comes across as nice but ulteriorly motivated.

As he is bored with no telly, Keef buys an airfix battleship to assemble. Um Keef, if you have time on your hands you could always say, LEARN TO READ or something. Just a thought. Dumber plays with DC Peter. They talk about the telly crisis and discuss the pros/cons of having a nice slack dad (Keef) compared to a hardworking well off dad whose heart is made of tar (Ian). DC Peter asks why Dumber is so harsh on Keef all of a sudden. Dumber tells him that Keef can’t read and Peter says it is v impressive that Keef is so knowledgeable, even though he can’t read. Dumber looks “thoughtful” and goes home and is nice to Keef. Later on DC Pater brings the telly round and says it is a loan as they have lots of tellies and the DoleScums don’t have any. Ian is sort of trapped into agreeing. My heart, it is warmed.

Davetta gets some papers through for Posho Academy. It turns out that the open day for new students (in April???) is that very night. What are the chances, eh? Tony says he can’t go so Davetta cries and runs away to JoJo, who immediately starts plotting shenanigans. They sneak into the club while Curly has his hands full with some rowdy hen party ladies and hide in TB’s office drinking alcopops. Tony Bennet pops round for something and discovers them. Meanwhile ETina puts on a horrid pink sparkly top and gets ready for dinner – she even serves the food. Um, who serves food before the guests have even arrived? Tony Bennett drags Davetta home and they argue. Tony says that Davetta is a Good Girl but that JoJo is a Bad Girl who should be avoided. Pls keep your rotten virgin/whore dichotomy to yourself, Tony Bennett. Davetta vomits copiously. ETina shows up to find out what the hell is going on and quickly realises that Tony clean forgot about her. She says that he had better not do anything like that again or else they are over! Yeah right. I wonder how many times she has said that in the last ten years.

ROOM AT THE FLOP
Missed the first ten minutes because I had to work late. When I switched on Tony Bennett is trying to pretend that he's not talking dirty with ETina (love it!) while Davetta plays with her posh new cameraphone - a bribe for agreeing to go to St Ange's College for Well Bred Young Ladies. Well, I suppose that now the Hooded Claw is off the streets, they don't have to worry about mobile crime any more. But what's this? JoJo decides to start Davetta down the Road to Perdition (or Redbridge, whichever is nearer), and gives her a lesson in nicking stuff off market stalls - especially Teen's. Davetta takes JoJo's spoils back to Teen and pays for them because stealing's bad, mmkay? Davetta, do you know what your dad does for a living?

Dot and Jim say they're rattling around in their huge house, and decide to move into a smaller flat. Oh no, don't tell me they're building up for June Brown's retirement. Moomin: cross that she will lose her bolt-hole from Poline.

Far too much time seems to be taken up with the Dolescums' attempts to buy back Dumber's affections by letting him go bowling with the Bealemeister. Rosie gets some extra for polishing the brass bits of the Vic (doesn't she normally do them then? Slattern!). Keef sells a horrid vase thing to Lee, who is on stall-minding duty for Fool. Between them, they accumulate £35, and are about to hand it over when Dumber points out that the phone bill hasn't been paid because Keef can't read the words: "FINAL NOTICE", and is colour-blind, presumably. I haven't been bowling in a while, but isn't £35 a bit much for a couple of hours down at the Megabowl? And what are they doing with Sky Plus if they're so poor they can't pay the phone bill? What's wrong with Top Up TV? Dumber hands back the money, and hates Keef even more for humiliating him in front of Ian Beale. Later, Keef sells the TV to Ian for 50p and uses the proceeds to pay off the phone bill (and, presumably, the satellite bill). Dumber does a great incandescent-with-rage teenager, "We can't not have a TV! If we don't have a TV everyone will think we're stupid!". Keef - too depressed to say: "No son, everyone will think we are middle-class, and prefer to spend our evenings engaging in witty intellectual discourse than slumped in front of the Idiot Box. Though I will miss the wildlife programmes..."

Back into the 1950s kitschen-sink psychodrama that is TB and ETina. It's just like Room at the Top only without Albert Finney and in colour. Having finally shaken off Davetta, TB tells Billy to check out ETina's fusebox, then decides to have a look himself. Billy turns up in mid-canoodle, and ETina has to make up some flimsy excuse about having a shower to get rid of him while TB cowers behind a door. Later, Billy reports that ETina obviously had a MAN in her flat, which is a breach of her letting contract (maybe TB has a special droit de seigneur clause written in). Tony looks worried

TINA RETURNER
Keef sits on Losers Bench and thinks sad illiterate thoughts. He goes home just in time to hear Dumber calling him a thicky thick thicko whist Mickney and Demi defend him. Dumber storms off and Keef is sad. He cleans the Vic whilst rosie Klebb is cleaning the restaurant and gets some extra work helping with barrels and crates etc in the Cellar of Death. Sham is pleased with him and offers him more work, but it involves filling in inventory forms etc. Damn those publicans and their fancy book larnin' ways! Keef makes up an excuse and runs away.

Mo drops round the Arches to deliver a sandwich to AGarry but he isn't there. she leers at Minty's not-especially shapely arse as he leans over a motor in his tight green overalls and makes "hubba hubba" noises and says things like "I'd like to give you a big ... sandwich!" Minty is embarrassed, understandably. Ian ponces around and acts all officious and accuses Minty of being slack. Shut up, Ian. Minty calls him "Beale Gates" - not bad.

Dot and Jim don't like keeping the Moominsecret from Poline. They suddenly, randomly start talking about how their house seems so big and empty. Eh?

Tony Bennett and Davetta discuss school. Tony wants to send her to the local "Posho Academy for Wayward Young Ladies". God knows where that is supposed to be - West Ham? Stratford? Davetta wants to go to a normal school. They go to the Posho Academy anyway and we learn that Davetta was doing 11 GCSE's before her mother died in a fiery inferno (OR DID SHE???) Wow, a brainy girl in EE!!! I bet she still ends up working in the caff though. The headmaster thinks she should cut down and Tony Bennett acts like a dick. Davetta reckons she can still do it if she puts her back in to it (as Ice Cube would say) but Tony still acts like a dick. Afterwards Davetta goes shoppping with jojo and moans that she can never do anything to please her dad.

Tony Bennett is acting like a dick because TWIWAN isn't returning his calls and he is really hornay. With her long neck, tiny round face and huge, widely spaced eyes, TWIWAN looks a bit like ET. nickname Alert! Anyway, it turns out that ETina is moving into her shagpad properly! With furniture and everything! (presumably there was just a mattress on the floor before). What's more she has been chatting to Pat and interacting with people too. Tony Bennett runs round and shouts at her, saying "what are you doing! Move back to your old flat before people realise that I'm soiling myself by fornicating with you!" What a prince! Run run away ETina! ETina says she wants to be close to him as she loves him and is his girlfriend. Tony says "you're not my girlfriend, you're my slaggg!" Tool! He storms out and ETina throws a flower pot at his head. Apparently violence is the only thing he will understand and he goes and apologises and says they can make a go of it.

Rosie explains to Dumber that Keef isn't really thick (and they prove this hypothesis by showing Keef beating MY Gus at chess - though presumably this just proves that he is not as thick as Gus) but that no-one cared enough to send him to school when he were a lad and to make sure he learnt. Dumber thinks about this and then goes and manages to earn a few quid of Pat for taking Billy's dog for a walk. He buys a "My first learning to read book" for Keef but Keef thinks he is taking the piss and has a shouty fit. dumber says he is just trying to help and show he cares etc and runs off. Keef rolls his eyes and makes mad faces for a bit.

MOOMIN'S CHOICE
Moomin's still not speaking to MMartin, and Poline still doesn't know what's going on. MMartin says he's coming with her to Adopted Granny's house to make sure that she 'fesses up good and proper. At Granny's house Moomin goes into Pam-mode and MMartin stares at Moominchild like he's never seen a winsome four-year-old before. Maybe he can see the evil that lies within. Moomin whispers that they could just carry on like this, pretending to be Mr & Mrs Pam until the end of time...but MMartin gets another attack of good sense and says that Moomin has to confess and get this ridiculous plot over and done with. Moomin confesses, Adopted Granny grabs hold of Moominchild and shouts "Get out of my house you baby-stealing freak and take your monobrowed spouse with you!". Moomin's powers activate, and she persuades Granny to let her say goodbye to Moominchild forever. Moominchild gives MMartin a picture and stares winsomely again. Lots of relieved crying and hugging outside as Moomin realises that they can go back to nightclubbing and arguing with Poline about money. Actually it was rather well done, considering.

JoJo's on the sofa, feeling sorry for herself. Tony Bennett tells Davetta that JoJo's A Bad Sort, and not the kind of girl he wants Davetta to run around with. In fact, he doesn't want her running around anywhere. Davetta sulks. TB tries to get in touch with TWIWAN, but she has disappeared into the plot cupboard and won't come out until we can think of a decent nickname for her.

Drippy goes to see Sullen in Brighton: Sodom of the South. Fool can't get anybody to mind his stall so that he can say goodbye properly, and has to make do with gazing longingly at Rainman's retreating cab.

Big Mo offers Rosie Klebb a few quid to clean up the Slater Tardis, but Rosie says she doesn't need Mo's charity. Well, actually you do, Rosie. Big Mo gets JoJo to raid Iceland, then marches her over to the Dolescums to present them with provisions, on some lame excuse about messing up with the shopping. Rosie accepts the cut-price pizzas with dignity. JoJo asks Big Mo why bad things always happen to her, and Big Mo gives her a condensed explanation of the concept of Karma ("'Cos you're an evil, spiteful little cow and people hate you" - we don't. We love JoJo and her skanky teen ways). JoJo goes over to Davetta's to apologise and produces a chocolate cake that she kept back from the Dolescums' haul.

Meanwhile, Dumber isn't as dumb as he looks, and finally proves to the entire family that Keef is illiterate. This apparently diminishes Keef in the eyes of Dumber, and we have to have a heartwarming moment where Keef explains that nobody cared if he was dead or alive when he was a nipper and now who will employ an illiterate? Hmm...those government ads with the gremlins seem to have missed the Discovery Channel.

New Improved Juley gets the stall back by pestering the Market Inspector until he gives in. But Mickney says that he can't work with Juley any more because the trust has gone. Dude, it's a market stall, not a marriage. MYGus tries to persuade Mickney to change his mind, but Juley says that it's time he stood on his own two dodgy trainers, and says goodbye to MYGus. MYGus: sad.