JINGLE HELL
For some reason I decided to plumb the deepest depths of light entertainment hell and write up the Eastenders Xmas Party. I must be insane.

It starts with Fool "Pub manager by day, pub singer by night" Moon walking down the street and introducing the whole shebang. He is playing himself Shane Ritchie and is supposed to be the organiser of the spontaneous shenanigans. He bursts into song (Santa claus is coming to town) and, um, considering he sings about 50 songs throughout the evening he is a rotten singer. A bunch of extras turn into a dance troupe (aka The Walfordettes) and do super cheesy musical theatre style dancing. There are even street sweepers doing that musical theatre thing with their brooms. The Square is v full and lit up and a double glazed conservatory has mysteriously appeared on the site of Losers Bench. Fool joins the cast on stage in the conservatory and they all sing while the Walfordettes frug madly.

Minty and A-Garry do a piss take of the BBC1 capoeira station ident, popping up frequently throughout the show. It is amusing enough the first few times.

There is a lame Dickens Christmas Carol sketch cut throughout the show, with Bealemeister as Scrooge, of course. Jane as, um, Mrs Scottish Scrooge and Demi and Dumber as the Cratchett Kids. Fur-wank is the ghost of xmas past, Mickney is the ghost of xmas present and the Right Hon Charles Kennedy MP is the ghost of xmas future. What. The. Fuck??? It is not remotely funny or entertaining.

There are micro-celebrities scattered throughout the show, including an inexplicable Posh Spice "look alike" and Kelly Holmes as Fool's runner. Geddit? Oh Kelly, you are better than this.

Jane sings "Have Yourself a Merry Christmas". She is not bad but not as good as she thinks she is. She looks nice though.

The Teen muppets discuss what act they are going to do. Non comedy o rama. Gus breakdances a bit. Go Gus! Bust some moves!

Keef and Mo give some microcelebrities lessons on how to act like an Eastenders actors (including John bird or Fortune and a Bird of a Feather). Keef and Mo are hilariously dressed as aerobics instructors. The sketches are lame lame lame but the clips they use to demonstrate are ace: There is one of Squeaky when she was having her Drunken Downward Spiral. Ha ha ha, classic. I could watch Squeaky trying to act drunk all day. There is a slapping montage and a scene of Babs wearing a heinous gold bomber jacket. It all ends with Drippy coming on and hitting Keef with an iron, as I have often dreamed of doing myself.

Yolande Shirley Basseys her way through a song about spending Christmas on Christmas Island, whilst chasing Trinidad round the sofa. According to google, Christmas Island has a unique population with a blend of Chinese, Malay & Caucasians from the Australian mainland. A visit here is a diverse cultural experience with numerous temples, festivals and a variety of cuisines.

Martina, Kareena and Adull inexplicably dress in edwardian outfits, play the pianola and sing an EE version of the 12 days of Christmas, again the best part is the clips they use - especially one of Fill beating the shit out of a fridge. Die, Evil Fridge! Die!

I have given up trying to work out the logic behind this. Moomin tries to train small kiddies to act out classic EE scenes. For some reason Moomin is mean and bitchy and her hair is weird. The scenes selected are quite funny though: Teen finding out Slutty is her mum, Poline belting Arfur with the frying pan, Den divorcing Angie and PAt and Fur-wank bellowing at each other in the rain. Unfortunately this just reminds us of when EE used to be good.

McFly come on and do their "My first ever little 1960s covers band" impression with a rendition of a Beach Boys song. The Walfordettes do crazy go go dancing in the background.

Fool goes into the bookies and inexplicably starts singing Fairy Tale of New York with Kyert. Aiiieee! My ears are bleeding! They are both terrible. Let's hope Kyert gets some vocal coaching before she starts in Chicago.

Minty is dressed as a chicken. Later on A-Garry eats some chicken and is sad. Just think, people actually got paid to come up with this.

Pat dresses up as Father xmas to sing "White Christmas" using her normal posh voice. If you shut your eyes it is like listening to the radio in the 1950s. Fur-wank comes on at the end also as Father Xmas. I am hoping they are going to fight to see who is the real father xmas but instead they just kiss. Later on, Pat does a Gollum "my precious" impression over some earrings. Poor Pat.

Lemar: zzzzzz

Fool sits on the Swings of Contemplation and introduces Sham, who sings the wham song "Last Christmas" whilst wandering round her ex-house and overacting. She is not a bad singer though - I could totally see her as a Eurovision contestant. She goes outside (who knows how many muppets died to create her faux fur coat) and carries on singing on the Swings, where she will now be living after Byrite chucked her.

There is some nonsense about Girls Aloud being booked but not showing up. I shake my fist at the telly when Fool mocks the ginger one. Cheryl Tweedy is going to kick your ass now, Ritchie. Fool sings yet a-fucking-gain while Martina and dragged up Adull, Gus, Minty and Mickney cavort around him. Martina is possibly the least feminine there. Mickney makes a surprisingly hot bird though. He could totally pull a drunken sailor at closing time in that outfit.

This must be nearly over. A boy sings a christmas carol and Sham and Jane make pious faces and help lead the carol-a-thon. Then it is time for the cockerney knees up ending and - you guessed it - Fool sings "I wish it could be Christmas every day" whilst the whole cast joins in and acts like they don't hate each other and the Walfordettes spaz out violently in the background. I join in at home with my own version, entitled "I wish I could rip out shane ritchie's vocal cords every day". Jesus, that was the longest hour of my life! Yo ho ho!

Well, that's it from me for a while. I'm going away over xmas and aren't allowed to watch EE at my parents house! I'll do what I can though. Thanks to all the readers and comment-makers over the year. Thanks also to the cast and crew of EE for providing laffs aplenty. Happy christmas!