O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEDEN
By our special Festive Guest Blogger: Filmfan

O-Den’s gutted because he can’t afford to buy Shazza’s share of the club. (What? Not even with the Wattses Hidden Millions?) He tells Denman to start packing things up because the club is for sale. Denman whines and asks for Shazza’s number, but O-Den’s all, "No chance, sister-shagger". Denman strops round to Byrite and gives him his money back, letting slip that the club is for sale. There’s also a bit where Byrite is moaning about his marriages and Denman actually says: "That’s because you don’t like women". A nation nods, wisely.

Fool and Drippy decide that their kiss should be The Kiss That Must Never Be Spoken Of Again. Meanwhile, Billy's thinking of having CBF christened. Dolescum Keef remembers when all his kids were christened at the same time. He mentions that Mickney's not actually his biological son, but that he's always treated him like he is. (Oh yeah, scriptwriters? Does Mickney know?) Billy has a look that says: "So I’m not the only man bringing up another man’s kid after all. Hurrah!" Later he asks Fool to be CBF’s godfather and Fool panics because he thinks Drippy has told Billy about The Kiss Of Shame. Yawn.

Poline has another go at O-Den, accusing him of not taking family seriously enough. He tells her she has no right to lecture him about parenting. Well, maybe not, but you’d never catch Poline doing naughty things over the internet.

Sham is still staying at Minty’s. Minty doesn’t know what makes him happier: the fact that Sham is lounging round his house in sweatpants all day or his Shiny New MP3 Player (or one of those things the kidz all have these days). Byrite barges past Minty and confronts Sam with a bill for £200 that the Bealemeister gave him from the Arches. He demands to be paid by the end of the day. Byrite sneers at Sham when she pleads poverty. At the cash machine, she sees that Byrite has emptied out their joint account and admits to Minty that she was "too stupid" to think of it first. No shit. Sham says that she still needs £200 and, oh, that’s a nice new toy Minty, how much did that cost? Minty then sells his MP3 player to the Bealemeister and pays Byrite, begging him not to leave Sham with nothing. Byrite laughs an Evil Laugh.

PantoJane feels guilty for totally doing it with the Bealemeister on Christmas Day when she should have been by CJDave’s side. The Bealemeister puts his foot in it by tactfully suggesting that it’ll be a relief when CJDave finally carks it. D’oh! Nice one, Bealemeister. PantoJane goes and tells Kyert that she’s married and that she blames her Night Of Lust with the Bealemeister for CJDave’s pneumonia, Instant Karma-style. (CJDave only has weeks to live apparently, so not long now, readers). The Bealemeister arrives with a present (Minty’s MP3 player) and apologises, but PantoJane’s not having any of it and sends him packing. Bealemeister: sad.

O-Den advises Teen to stop moping and concentrate on getting herself knocked up. Later on, Byrite slow-claps her in the Square, saying that she got what she wanted. Denman apologizes for telling Byrite. And Dot. Teen begs him to admit that he loves her. Denman’s all "Grrr. Argh. Confused" and storms out. Again.