TERMS OF MINT-DEAR-MINT
Kareena and her new stripey hair aren't happy to be living in a tiny bedsit with 15 other people and a tropical menagery. She stands around glowering while Martina cooks and tidies up and makes the boys clear up after themselves. Martina starts glowering back and they have a competition about who is sluttiest (Kareena: "I lived in a flat with five muscular lifeguards!" Martina: "I lived in a flat with an entire rugby team!" Kareena: "Grrr, foiled!") In the end Martina asks why Kareena is being such a bitch and Kareena says she doesn't like Martina moving in and being bossy and taking over etc. Martina says she is just doing it because she lurves Adull. What-ev-er. There is a stupid scene where Adull comes into the house and can't hear them arguing until he actually steps into the same room as them, even though the door is wide open. So lame. Martina makes a resolute face and drags Kareena off to the club for a girly drink and chat. Kareena decides she likes Martina when she realises that Martina will do all the work in the house/taxi firm and Kareena can just be lazy and sit around putting on more mascara all day. In the end though she decides to get a job and immediately gets one behind the bar at the club. A sleazy accountant tries to chat her up so Kareena does something painful to his nads. she is worried that Denman will sack her but he likes it (hmmm...). Later on she admits to Martina that despite her new foxy look she is still a virgin. Martina thinks; "yes, I'm still the sluttiest!"

Meanwhile Backstreet is still mooning around ("mooning", geddit? eh? eh?) wondering why Kellay hasn't phoned him and isn't answering when he phones her. Welcome to Dumped-ville, loser.

Vickney is skipping around wittering on about someone called Tommy she met at Fashion School. Denman mocks her. He's bound to be a big old gay, anyway (Tommy, not Denman).....

Dole Scum Keef gets a Ferriera-mobile to go and sign on. Mickney tells his brat siblings to get a birthday present for their mum so Darren swops the reduced stickers round on some chocolates while Demi plays the teen pregnancy sympathy card and distracts the shop keeper. Rosie Klebb (yes, now that Sullen has gone the mantle of boot-faced harridan-ity is passed to another) tries to get a job but discovers that Poline is like the Don of Walford and no-one will speak to her since she dissed her. In the end she gets a job cleaning at the vic - Fool won't pay her cash-in-hand but says he'll pay her in beer instead. Okayyyy. Mickney is shamed by his rough family. He is so distracted that he falls off a ladder whilst cleaning winders at the club. Keef thinks "where there's blame there's a claim!" and goes around to try and blackmail Denman. Denman stares blankly into spacing, thinking about how pretty he is, while Keef snivels on and on and then leaves, defeated. Then Poline browbeats him into coughing up for the bed too. Good.

Moomin is too worried about Dot to study and so helps Martin on the stall, Martin is worried that GlenCloser is going to show up and flinches whenever a mobile goes off in the E20 postal district. Later on he gets a txt message "THINKING ABOUT UOBSESSIVELY!!! GLENCLOSER AND CLOSER XXXXXX" and goes apeshit. Martin needs a haircut, btw.

Minty is still pining after Sham, the great daft lunk, and tries to get Sham to come and have a special talk with him in the Arches. Sham is in full-on Bridezilla mode and is not very patient with him. Minty bottles it so Sham dashes off, leaving her retro style viscose scarf behind. Minty picks it up and starts sniffing it and touching himself. Minty is taklking to Ian about women troubles. Panto Jane realises that he fancies Sham and tells Minty to give it up for his own good. Minty is all "why, I have no idea what you are talking about, my good woman!" Jane rushes off to be fitted for her hideoso peach ruffed bridesmaid dress and Minty gets out an engagement ring and fingers it poignantly.