(JULEY WOULD) LIKE A VIRGIN
Billy and Minty are worried that Byrite and Sham are coming back that day. Billy has bought a wedding present for Sham and is going to suck up to her so that she will like him again and he can talk her into stopping Byrite killing Minty. Billy? Using his brain? The end times they are a-coming and that's for sure. Billy tells Minty to keep in sight of witnesses so Minty goes to the Arches. Perhaps someone needs to look up "witness" in the dictionary. Minty phones Agarry but he is locked in the Plot Cupboard and can't come out to play. Minty looks anxious. Mate, you are in a room full of pointy power tools. Get a clue. Meanwhile, Sham gives a box of Ferrero Rocher to Panto Jane as a thank you present ("Why Senora Gangster Barbie, with these chocolates you are really spoiling me"). Byrite immediately sets off on business but assures Sham that soon he will be back so they can do what newly weds are supposed to do (go to ikea?). Billy pops up and gives Sham some tasteful cut crystal thing (was it a vase or a glass set? who knows... or cares?). Sham says he can't get round her that easily so Billy says he was just trying to protect her... family... sorry.. blah blah. Sham forgives him so he asks her to stop Byrite from smacking Minty's bitch up. In the Arches, Byrite appears and says he has come to wreak retribution on Minty. Minty grabs a lame piece of metal to defend himself. Dude! Power Tools! Tarantino and two "tough looking" sidekicks appear and start man handling Minty but then Sham appears just in time to save him. The minions shuffle off and Sham tells Byrite off for wanting to beat up Minty.

Juley prepares for his date by buying a crappy "as advertised on TV" chick flick music CD (ie dido and gabrielle o rama) and some nasty looking cheap pink wine. Kareena and Martina chat as Kareena tries on various skank outfits. she tries one that looks like an aquamarine bra with curtains sewn onto the bottom but then wisely puts something else on instead. The date is going well and they are "getting jiggy with it" as the young people say nowadays, when Juley spoils it by saying "it's a good job I'm taking your virginity instead of Mickney, never send a boy to do a man's job, etc." Verrry smooth. Kareena strops off.

Ian chats with Kyert and she encourages him to woo Panto Jane some more. He skips around the caff being scarily cheerful and helpful. Backstreet has a cunning plan for saving meeellions of pounds on their condiment bill but Ian says he has to do a proper business plan for it - come on Backstreet, even Sham can make spreadsheets! -Ian keeps trying to apologise for the other day but Jane doesn't want to talk about it. Rosie Klebb comes in with the dog and Jane nearly picks a fight with her on dog/hygiene grounds (watch out for the retractable knife shoes!!) but Ian stops her. Rosie just wants to tell Keef that the dog is agrophobic. WTF? How fucking pointless was that? Mickney comes in and moans about messing things up with Kareena so Ian starts reeling out all these smug platitudes about hanging in there until the chick comes round to his way of thinking. Jane grabs him and drags him into the backroom and tells him to give it up because nothing is evah going to happen. Ian says he can tell that Jane is digging the Bealemeister and that he can be patient. Jane eventually admits that she is married and Ian turns from Bealemeister to Bale-meister and strops off. Jane follows him home and keeps saying "You don't understand" while Ian accuses her of messing with him. In the end she says he should meet her hubby. They go round to CJDave's hospice and Ian looks uncomfortable/contrite while Jane introduces them.

Betty Boiler Glenn spends the whole episode lurking around, hiding behind market stalls and generally stalking MMartin and Moomin. MMartin plans a surprise evening out and entrusts Mickney with the task of getting tickets to Mama mia but they end up having to go to a different shit musical instead (Saturday Night Fever?). Glenn stares through their kitchen window, follows Moomin into the Plastic Nail Detective Agency etc etc. She lurks behind Moomin as Moomin is about to cross the road and is looking left and right like a good Tufty Club member (showing my age there). GlennCloser does something as a truck approaches and the EE director attempts to generate suspense through the power of editing. Surprise surprise, Moomin hasn't been pushed under the truck, Glenn has swooned instead. Moomin shouts "Student Nurse stroke Moomin Powers activate!" and takes charge of the situation. When MMartin gets home later he finds Moomin and GlennCloser sat together in the living room. Ruh roh! (or alternatively "Threeway!")