SHAM-PAIN RECEPTION
Byrite and Minty exchange some unpleasantries outside the church and then everyone goes back to Walford. Carnival Babsita del Rio spots Kyert and runs over, never mising a chance to be shrewish and bitchy. she slaps Kyert and tells her off for giving Mini-Fill away to Squeaky and then shagging Denman. She advises Kyert to get out of Walford, pronto. Kyert tells her to fuck away off and says that if Babs hits her again she'll flatten her. Byrite tells one of his henchlings to keep Minty and Billy away from Babs, so Minty conspires with Fool to get Babs alone upstairs.

Meanwhile, Ian flirts with Panto Jane, but then she runs away when it's time to catch the bouquet. Martin gets more scary txt messages ie. I LIKE YR SUIT, YES IM STALKING U, BEHIND UUUUU!!! He runs around looking for GlennCloser and then dashes his phone to the ground in frustration - it still would have been easier to put it silent. Moomin starts to notice his erratic behaviour, finally. Rosie Klebb catches the bouquet but DSKeef shows no interest in marrying her.

Babs and Shazza insult each others hair. Yes, you're both right. Shazza has had a few too many Bacardi Breezers (Shazza + Drunk acting = comedy gold) and insults Vickney's Dadfriend. Vickney is sad. Shazza says "She's just a girl!" and Dadfriend says "She looks like a woman from here" and stares at Vickney's rack. Ew, perv-o-rama. In the end Denman drags Shazza outside to calm down and they have a tortured crypto-incest discussion. Denman says he was worried Shazza would reject him and Shazza can't admit that she wouldn't have done so. They go back in and apologise to Dadfriend, though later on LadyDen gets Dadfriend alone and tells him to end it or else she'll grass him up to the Fashion school and he will be arrested by the Fashion Police. Speaking of the fashion police, Vickney appears to have several dead squirrels stapled to the collar of her dress. What's that all about?

Minty manages to get Babs to shut her big cakehole long enough to describe all of Byrite's evil schemes. Babs goes "Grrr, I knew Sham was thick!" She tells Sham off for being a failure all her life and for throwing away the precious Mitchell fortune and summons Marcus the Bent Lawyer to get all the businesses taken out of Sham's name and to have Sham declared mentally incompetent (probably). Sham cries "You can't blame me for stuff I did when I was Daniella Westbrook! It's not fair!" and runs away to cry. Byrite comes in and asks to speak to Babs alone. Babs says "You can try but I'm too brainy to be fooled by your fancy talk!" Byrite then proceeds to fool Babs with his fancy talk - he says that Billy is a big loser and that Minty is only jealous because he loves Sham himself and that Marcus approved the office development plan for tax reasons and that Byrite is really rich anyway and that Sham is trying really hard and that Babs will destroy her self esteem if she doesn't let Byrite rip Sham off. Babs says "oh, OK then" and goes to apologise to Sham. sham "You always thought I was rubbish!" Babs: "No, I didn't!" Sham "Cool!" Byrite mentions to Minty that when he comes back from his honeymoon he is going to have him killed painfully or something. In front of lots of witnesses who probably know what is going on with Minty/Sham/Byrite. You're the best criminal ever, Byrite! Babs fucks off back to Rio but not before "playfully" mentioning to Byrite that if he does rip off Sham then she will come back with her big gay sons and beat the shit out of him - ie. this is probably going to happen next year. As she drives off in the cab she looks at her phone "thoughtfully" as though she is going to phone Fill anyway, but then doesn't. Oh Babs, you disappoint me!