CURSE OF THE SPIDE-WOMAN
Who are these people and what are they doing messing up my TV screen? Obviously somebody watched Shameless and thought: "I've got a genius idea for saving Easties...we could even have a pregnant tweenie for the issues..."

I mean, Demi??? Will she pose naked on the cover of Take A Break, I wonder?

So anyway, this family seem to enjoy running rings around the good folk of Walford with their crafty cockney inability to give a straight answer to a straight question. Surprisingly nobody has punched them yet. The mother calls Poline a sex-mad harlot every time she mentions getting the Moomins' bed back. Gay Pike offers to try and is bamboozled by the Millers' machine gun questioning. Dad Miller (aka Keef) gets Derek to sort out the bed problem himself, and I think he's going to have to fork out for another bed or something. Get thee to the charity shop, Gay Pike. Poline: cross.

Mickney is embarrassed by assorted siblings too thick to remove their school ties running around nicking stuff off the market, and setting fire to the rejected bed, which is now causing problems in the street (Keef tries to pass it off as a council sponsored street sculpture a la Tracey Emin's bed, which is in a gallery...OK). By the end of the ep everybody hates them, but nobody has thought to just give them a good old-fashioned East End kicking.

Meanwhile, GlennClose is sending MMartin text messages every ten minutes. MMartin hides, then arranges to meet her in the pub. Glenn's hair is all flicky like an early Shell do. If I was MMartin, I'd be running too. MMartin confesses that he's married - so she didn't know? The swine! Small furry animals run and hide from GlennClose's basilisk stare.

Kareena returns, and she's obviously been romping like a strumpet on piecework in Spain. Her new "sexy" look (plus tattoo!) worries her brothers a bit, who act like they've never seen legs before. For her part Kareena is shocked and appalled that Adi is going out with a former genital technician. So that's how many people in a bedsit?

GlennClose finds MMartin again and tells him that she doesn't mind sharing him with Moomin. For god's sake woman, you can't be that desperate. MMartin tries hard not to think about threesomes and says no no no no no. NB: Every Poline scene shows her fussing over Betty the Dog, so I agree with Mark and reckon that puppy's not long for this world.

Vickney enjoys her first day at Fashion Designer College, and runs off to the pub with her new friends. LadyDen and the Wattses exchange "our little girl is all grown up" looks. I feel ill.