LIKE A VIRGIN
The Dolescums are throwing a barbecue. Around the square they go, handing out badly-spelled hand coloured invitations that were probably designed by the same bloke that did the Why Don't You... programme titles in the early 80s. Mickney tries to hide the Burned Bed of Shame and cop off with Kareena. Guess which one he succeeds at?

Virginal Kareena wears what looks like her nightie cut up into vertical stripes to match her hair, I suppose. Encouraged by Martina, she and Mickney simper inbetween non-comedy interruptions. Mickney manages to knock himself out in the bathroom in an oh-so-hilarious attempt to get rid of his garlic breath brought on by Keef Dolescum's special bbq sauce. So, they don't get it on, and we're spared awkward Muppet Sex for one more week.

Rosie Klebb and Poline realise that they're not so different after all (useless husbands, idiot children, teenage pregnancy, imminent nan-hood...). Poline decides to go to the bbq, and arrives just in time to see the makeshift burner tip onto Loser's Bench and burn baby burn.

The father of Demi's baby (Semidemi?) is called Leo, and he's an Older Man. Well, at least it's not O-Den, so the world is safe from more Wattses.

Vickney's a dirty stopout, so Shazz and LadyDen try to get her to spill the beans about her mystery man. Blimey, she's only been there ten minutes. Fashion Designer College lecturers must work faster than ordinary English Literature lecturers - not that I'd know...Vickney is coy and simpers a lot.

Byrite's got a Minty of his very own! Sham takes a call from Byrite's Mint-a-like. Byrite and Mint-a-like meet up on Loser's Bench (pre-conflagration), twirl their moustaches and talk about getting their hands on Sham's Empire of Evil. It has something to do with property deeds that Sham has to sign without knowing that she's signing over the Death Star Snookerall or whatever. Minty hears Byrite going: "soon all this will be MINE! Bwahahahaha!", and tries to warn Sham. Sham is too busy Bridezilla-ing about the place, and thinks that Minty is confessing his deep lurve again. Minty fingers his ring (for the xxth time this week), and still fails to realise that Sham is Queen Doofina of the Doofuses, and therefore not worth it.

Backstreet wants to prove that he's a man for Kellay. Fool speaks to Ian, and Ian gives Backstreet a "management training position" as his new bitch. His first job is to clean out the chip fryer. Backstreet: sad. The nation: bored.

MMartin still hasn't worked out how to switch his phone to vibrate, the little Beckham. GlennClose's txt msgs r gting desparate: "NEED U 2NITE", "HERE BUNNY BUNNY..." etc. MMartin deletes them unread. Ruh. Roh.