BRIDE OF BAZENSTEIN
Bazza comes back to the car lot and finds it all shut up, with a slightly different note on the door to the one that Juhneen left earlier. Pat pauses on her way back to the plot cupboard to remind Baz that Juhneen is a money-grabbing ho with a heart of flint. Baz scowls.

Juhneen, meanwhile is still trapped in Bad Brutha’s bedroom. They hear TriniDad and Yolande change the record from Israelite to what sounds like the Aswad Pension Plan LP and bedsprings begin to creak. Bad Brutha goes all “eeewwwwww! Parent Sex!” and Juhneen laughs. Baz calls for a chat about Juhneen with Bad Brutha, hears the bedsprings, goes “ewwwww! Parent Sex!” and runs away again. Juhneen is worried. Has Baz found out that she's a money-grabbing ho?

Den has an attack of conscience re: Squeaky (why, Den, why?) and kicks her door down just as she’s counting out the Haliborange overdose. Much tedium and overacting from Squeaky, who doesn’t seem to realise that a snivelling bundle of snot is not exactly attractive to most men. Even Denman. Or O-Den. O-Den persuades her not to top herself just yet because MiniFill will need her one day – even if she is a squeaky co-dependent nutjob like Ange was. Yawn. Next.

More tedium re: the Ferreiras vs Eevil Gavin. Eeevil Gavin stomps about throwing hissy fits about rats and upping his Eevil count by making more crude racist comments (Brooksidisation element no.2: totally obvious 80s-style racists – it’s like Farrukh Dhondy never went away). Eventually he caves in and agrees to leave if the Ferreiras stop harassing him. The Ferreiras rejoice and Ash buys Shirley a dear little ginger kitten that she calls “Mr Rochester” – given its gingerness, Soames Forsyte would be more appropriate. Dadvis is still under the impression that Shirley will shag him out of gratitude.

Even more shouty acting from DJ Ross as Scalliq tries to tell him that everything Scalliq does, he does it for DJ Ross, and not to give up on him baby etc etc. DJ Ross shouts some more and drives the family van around the square a few times to show how cross he is.

But what’s this? Is that Eevil Gavin breaking into the van with a tin of red paint in his hand?

It’s the anniversary of Eeevil Trevor’s fiery demise and Billy is concerned about Drippy. Drippy twitches a bit, and nags Billy about the state of Kyert’s Nail Bar. Billy tries putting up a shelf, and in the end has to call on the services of Byrite Andy: Ninja Kittens and Carpentry Services. Byrite agrees to help Billy because he’s “family” (not yet, mate). I don’t know what he’s going to do, maybe the Brand New Heavies are the Four Handymen of the Apocalypse during the day or something.

Slutty has Bridezilla fit no. 2 about the wedding, and demands that Byrite holds the reception in the Vic rather than the Ritz. Ian gets the catering. Salmonella-tastic, mate!

Juhneen eventually drags herself away from Bad Brutha’s chest and goes home to find that Bazza has arranged millions of candles all over the living room like it’s Salem’s Lot. Maybe he’s going to strip off and sacrifice her to the Dark Lord with James Mason going “Put away the cross and face the Baz-sta!”

Oh bo-oring! He gets a ring out and asks Juhneen to marry him instead.