SHARON'S ROADMAP TO PEACE

Denman has taken to acting like a sulky teenager and watches sullenly as Vickney and Shazza fawn around O-Den. He shouts ”I wish I had never been born!” and runs outside (not really) where Fill mocks him for getting his daddykins in to help him. Denman says “Grrr! I’ll get you some day, Mitchell!” but then O-Den appears and Fill makes a smug face. Shazza tells Vickney off for pulling her Junior Miss Gangsta routine but Vickney explains that she was just moving the plot along. Fair enough. Fill asks Pat to tell him about O-Den and Pat makes her sideways mouth face and acts all reluctant. Later Fill is seen on the phone grassing O-Den up to someone. What a little weasel. Shazza approaches Fill and asks him to leave her family alone. There’s a funny bit where she mentions Vickney and pulls a happy face and then mentions Denman the next second and makes a tortured incestuous face. Fill says he’ll leave them alone if Denman can keep his grubby mitts of Sham. Shazza is shocked and appalled that she is getting Sham’s sloppy seconds.

Shirley is out of the plot cupboard. She hears Evil Gavin go out and phones in sick so she can relax in silence in her Boudoir of Mauveness, but then he comes back and turns the music up again. Um Shirley, I know he is in the wrong and all but get some earplugs and stop sniveling. She tries complaining to the landlord and whining to Trinidad but without success. That night she is asleep (with loads of candles and vile ceramic fauna around her bed – there’s no excuse for that) when she starts getting lewd phone calls and realizes that Gavin has put her number on ho-cards all around Walford. She bangs on his door, cries, and shouts “Why! Why!”

Juhneen is also back and seems to have acquired Nat’s frazzled, straw like hair while she was away. Basically she carries on shagging Bad Brutha (Yolande and Trinidad nearly catch them at it) and lying to Baz. In other non-news, Baz’s divorce is finalised.

O-Den wanders round the Square. Poline is not best pleased to see Chelle’s babyfather. She tells him that he spoils everything and that she wished Arfur had come back from the dead instead. Yeah, that would be really exciting. O-Den meets Squeaky and gets her talking about Fill, Squeaky says that Fill is smashing but that she can understand why everyone else wants him dead. They smirk at each other and Squeaky waves her rack in his face (first climbing up a step ladder). Later, Squeaky gets the Hitman round and practices her Evil Revenge Speech that is she going to give to Fill before she pops a cap into his ass. She says that she is going to frame O-Den for the killing – wow, perhaps she has half a brain after all. Hitman smiles like a village idiot.

Billy is such a mental midget that he is comprehensively out-thought and out-argued by Drippy in the "shall we move in with the slaters" discussion. Fill gives him a job doing up Kyert’s Acrylic Nail Detective Agency but even that is not enough money to save him from Slater-dom.

Poline tries to turn Vickney against O-Den but Vickney basically says “screw you, bitch”. Denman gives Shazza a hard time for talking to Fill so Shazza tries fluttering her eyelids at him to make him agree to a truce. Denman tells Shazza off for using her bootay to manipulate him so shazza tells him off for shagging Sham to get to Fill. Denman: “can we have more of the incest?” Shazza: “no!” Later they are all sitting down to eat when there is a knock on the door and the cops show up and arrest O-Den for perverting the course of justice.