USED TO BE DEAD. NOW HE'S NOT
Missed the first ten minutes or so, but according to the official update, I didn't miss much other than Denman being all sulky with O-Den and the Bealemeister prematurely claiming his return to Meisterhood because he thinks he's bought the Meal Machine.

O-Den goes for a walk around the Square and guess what? Nobody recognises him. Well, except for Dot Cotton, who thinks she's seen a ghost, but Ian thinks she's been smoking her special cigarettes again. O-Den visits his and Angie's grave, which for some reason seems to be in a corner of a public park, and Dot catches him trying to nick the flowers. He buys her a cup of tea and they exchange banter about being rotten parents, and Dot tells him that Shazza wouldn't have got involved with Fill if Den had been there for her (oh yes she would - the girl's mental, remember?).

All Bealemeister return party plans have been put on hold because Fill has bought the Meal Machine for Kyert to ...do what with? Open up a catering detective agency? Kyert is just as bemused as we are. From high flying Undercover Cop to owner of a semi-derelict sandwich factory. That's what you always dreamed of when you were playing on the swings at Byker Grove, wasn't it Kyert? And anyway, she's more concerned that Mini Fill's clothes keep disappearing mysteriously. Squeaky looks innocent. There's something about them going off on holiday on Friday - which is exactly the sort of thing you should do when you're setting up a new business, as any fule kno. Squeaky calls Hitman and tells him to give her more killing lessons or something. Then she packs away another stolen item of Mini Fill's clothing in a Secret Place. Bad Squeaky!

Billy whines, whinges and bitches about being unemployed, conveniently forgetting that he brought it on himself, the idiot. Little Mo suggests they move back in with Pa Slater - co-dependent kiddies a gogo! Even Billy balks at the idea of sharing a breakfast table with Sullen.

O-Den wanders back around the square, flirts with Pat, who seems to be the stand-in landlady at the Vic while La Famille Moon is in Brighton, and discovers that Fill

a) owns everything

b) is a potato-faced bastard hated by all and sundry, even Dot.

So that's all he needs to know then. Meanwhile, Fill glowers pinkly at home saying he's not scared of O-Den, oh no. Small squeaky women dressed in badly-fitting Karen Millen suits are a different matter altogether though.

NB: Squeaky, stop wearing polonecks.

O-Den returns home to question Shazza about her ex-boyfriend. Shazza's lip wobbles and Vickney says: "He's a right bastard Dad. He beat up Shazza and he beat up Denman and he's horrid to Martin and ooops my accent is slipping again." Shazza tells Vickney to shut up, but Vickney says she's sick of being scared of the Mitchells and the Wattses were around long before them and it's time somebody showed her some respect - for god's sake girl, you've only been here 10 minutes and you're doing a Violet Kray already! O-Den orders the family down to the pub, even Denman.

Pat's behind the bar and they do more wrinkly flirting (eww) while O-Den changes the barrel. Fill walks in and finds O-Den behind the bar, which makes him very very cross. There's lots of staring and meaningful silences interspersed with Fill shouting and being terribly rude and getting a crick in his neck from looking up at O-Den while the rest of Weird Family Watts look on with varying levels of nervousness (Shazz), vicious glee (Vickney) and psychosis (Denman). So that's it then. Battle lines drawn. Another tedious East End Families at War saga begins.