EEEZER BAD…MMKAY
Den wakes up on Squeaky’s sofa. One sip of Squeaky’s coffee and he’s out of there before she gets out the samurai sword and starts on about vengeance again. Sham and O-Den see him scuttle across the square and call him a dirty stopout.

It’s Diwali chez Ferreira. Dadvis seems to have forgotten that he’s a Catholic and demands that the Ferreira Kidz spend Diwali with him and not messing with Evil Gavin’s mind. But messing with Evil Gavin’s mind seems to be the Ferreira Kidz’ latest bloodsport. They’ve set the stereo to blast for ten minutes every hour, and Ash goes around the square, blu-tacking up posters with a picture of Gavin and some lame-o “sad bastard seeks understanding woman” text underneath. You really are taking this all a bit too seriously, mate.

Gavin rips the posters down and grinds his teeth evilly. At lunchtime he finds the Kidz in the pub and declares war on them, their dad, their pets and Shirley. Ash is all “Ooooh I’m scared. NOT”. Adull has a cunning plan to get them out of spending the evening with their father. Ash and Shirley simper about literature. Bleargh.

At Teen Palace, Kellay is on the sofa, surrounded by crumpled tissues, and Teen still isn’t talking to her. She takes the day off and mopes around, asking anybody under 25 if they’ll be her friend. Only MY Gus obliges – yay for MY Gus! Teen, meanwhile, is “having doubts” after a few conversations of the “men, what cheating scum they are eh?” variety with random female characters, and asks DJ Ross over to the flat to talk. DJ Ross runs into Kellay and it’s all “You’re a lyin’ cheatin’ scumbag” “No I’m not” “Yes you are” “Not!” “Are!” until Kellay hits DJ Ross just as Teen walks in. Somehow, Teen sees this as Kellay ripping DJ Ross’s clothes off – well, she is a Slater and therefore not that bright - and tells Kellay that she wants her out of the flat and out of Walford. Umm…since when did she turn into Queen of Everything and how’s she going to pay the rent without Kellay?

Kellay mopes on Loser’s Bench. Gus swoops in from his cloud and offers her his and Rickay’s sofa until she sorts herself out.

Byrite Andy decides that it’s time to bond with Fool. Bond him with a pair of lead boots and an anchor off Blackfriars Bridge more like. Fool avoids him until the evening, when he turns up with a bottle of whisky and a load of football-related chat, because that’s what men talk about, isn’t it. Fool asks him what he wants, and I think Byrite warns him to keep his nose out, but he was so busy with the fluffy kittens and the chocolates that I couldn’t work out if he was threatening Fool or asking him to stage a one-man reinvasion of the Falklands in memory of Ricky Vila.

Adull’s cunning plan is: “let’s get everybody out of the pub and celebrating Diwali by letting fireworks off in the street outside Gavin’s house”. Oh. OK, says everyone, and off they go. Gavin opens the door in his underpants and everybody laughs. Then Dadvis stages a rival party chez Ferreira and everybody except the Kidz goes: “oooh…more fireworks” and runs off to Dadvis’s.

Baz decides that the healthy life is for him because a healthy Baz can love his woman all night long. Start feigning morning sickness, Juhneen! Bad Brutha drives Baz out to Charlton, and tells him to run back. Juhneen goes to the shops, and Baz spends all day getting sweaty on the streets of London before coming back to service Juhneen some more. I’m bored already.

O-Den’s Clampdown on Drugs seems to involve him telling Denman off for talking to Squeaky about the Kill Fill nonsense, and snogging Sham in the corridor while Squeaky dozes drunkenly in the office. Effective, then.

Kellay and MY Gus go to the club to try and patch things up with Teen. But then Kellay starts sweating rhythmically and doing strange bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox movements that TV People On Drugs do. Teen shouts at her and Kellay faints.