KELLAY OF THE DOLLS
Kellay and Teen come back from hospital after Kellay's little spell of "exhaustion and dehydration". Teen says she is going to look after Kellay and has realised "what is important" i.e. that being a raging bitch-on-wheels to her best friend is totally not cool. Teen and O-Den both want Kellay to tell them who was that candy coloured clown who sold Kellay her ticket to tripsville. Kellay won't say. DJ Ross brings some flowers for Kellay but gets the brush off. Kellay and Teen have a tearful discussion about how Teen shouldn't have dissed her best friend and that Kellay would never lie to Teen (Kellay also says about 8 times that she thinks Teen is beautiful. The sapphic storyline officially starts NOW). Teen decides that she believes Kellay and goes to Shirley's (where they have brought in the Blazing Squad to torment Gavin with their freestyle human beatbox stylings) and dumps DJ Ross. DJ Ross makes a total dick of himself, both with his Sudden Shouty Acting and by saying that he only said he loved Teen to get her in the sack but that now he really loves her. Smooth. Teen stomps off and cries badly on Losers Bench. Scalliq goes round to Kellay's and says that he'll out her as a ho if she grasses up his drug dealing. Didn't he already do that? I think Scalliq is really funny and cool, even though he is a weasel. Anyway, Teen catches him in mid threat and guesses that he is the Candyman. Kellay begs her not to call the cops. They decide to look out for each other in future and clasp hands in a crypto-lesbionic fashion.

Poline simpers around Gay Pike and does more of her disturbing kittenish smiles. They spend an evening in together and Poline puts the moves on the Pikester. He is all "dude, totally gay here!" and Poline says "How come you were married then, bitch?" Gay Pike gets all tearful (and strangely sounds like Harry Hill) and admits that he was forced to marry by the Forces of Homophobia but then his wife caught him enjoying some man2man action and chucked him out. Poline says "It could have been worse, you could have had kids. " Ruh roh. Pike has a daughter and a son but is now all estranged and shit. Poline offers to find them for him but Pike asks her not to. Poline makes a sour face. No-one tells her what not to do!

Moomin is back from India with a fancy new haircut. It is kind of Cleopatra coming at ya but with frosty streaks in it. She says that Robbie and Nita are all happy etc. Also she has an interview for a proper nursing college coming up. Yay!

Vuh Vuh Vickney is a cockernee sparrow this week. she moans at O-den for keeping her in the dark about all the boring plot happenings and says that O-Den can't go out with Sham as "Watts and Mitchells don't mix, they're like two unmixy things!". O-Den sees Squeaky come into the caff looking like she has been ridden hard and put away wet. He gives her some cash for a makeover and tells her to keep her shit together or else Sam will spot that she is a pathetic flake and grass her up to Fill. Throughout the episode Sham and O-Den act all flirty and have deep insights about each other etc. Some coppers come round to investigate Kellay's Drug Shame and O-Den totally calls them "cunt-stables" - you can't say that on telly at 8 pm! I was shocked and appalled! That evening Squeaky reverts to pathetic drunk mode so O-den sends her home. Then he tells Sham that she is so obsessed with Squeaky that she is ignoring blatant drug dealing and sacks her. Harsh. He wheels out the "Mitchells + Watts = unmixy things" line. Sham calls him "paffetic" and stomps off. For some reason I quite like Sham nowadays. O-Den glares a bit.