SHAZZA'S BIRTHDAY BLUES
It's Symbolism gone Crazy for Shazza's 34th birthday (hmmm...34? Really?). O-Den sends her 15 birthday cards - one for every year of her life that he missed, and a silver charm bracelet with 15 charms. I'm sure there's a Grimm fairy story in here somewhere. Maybe if she drops the 15 charms into the canal, Denman will take his shirt of again or something. O-Den is also planning a huge party at the club, but has to keep it open for general punters because as we all know, the contents of Shazza's entire address book would probably only fill two cubicles in the ladies.

Eevil Gavin, it turns out, played Now that's what I call Loud Dadrock Vols 2, 3 and 4 until four in the morning, keeping poor drippy Shirley up all night. Ash the Stud puts on his determined face, and rounds up the little Ferreiras (plus Scalliq, who appears to be joined to DJ Ross's hip. Again) to exact an Awful Revenge. This Revenge seems to involve installing DJ Ross's sound system in Shirley's flat and playing very loud house music until Gavin's ears bleed. Gavin comes down to complain, and DJ Ross turns it up to 11. Gavin's ears bleed and the little Ferreiras rejoice. Gavin goes "Grrr" and shakes his fist at Shirley's heavily vibrating door

The Ferreiras are decorating the pub for Diwali. No I don't understand why either.

Juhneen's latest scheme is to get a company credit card off Bazza. After much whining and bitching about having to add things up (excuse me? Ever heard of Excel?), Juhneen is still getting nowhere. She resorts to the baby oil and shagpile shag gambit (eww) and Bazza just about manages to sign the credit card application form before ripping off his grey Y-fronts and shouting: "Behold the Bazmeister's Truncheon of Love, you greedy little sex minx!"

Gay Pike/Poline. Look, Poline, he's gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay, and not even dressing up in your old Ms Brahms frilly shirt and kinky boots will make him jump the fence. Give up now. She mopes in the pub, and Fool has to drag up another of his utterly pointless fables to cheer her up. Later, Gay Pike says they must spend some more time together and Poline is happy again.

Fool and Slutty joke about weddings, but Fool won't tell Slutty the name of the woman he really loves and pulls his best kicked labrador face so far. Then Byrite waltzes in. He's managed to "persuade" the vicar to find an opening on November 13th. Lovely. Is that a Friday?

NB: I agree about Slutty's hair. It looks odd.

Not to be outdone by his father, Denman buys a little off-the-shoulder black chiffon shift-type thing off Teen and Kellay's Fashion Palace. Shazza is touched (instead of saying: "You got me a fifty quid dress off a market stall?!? You cheap little bastard!"), but then sees Denman looking at her in that crypto-incest way and looks "troubled" instead. She still wears the dress though, and it is only mildly hellacious. Denman spends the rest of the evening leering at Shazza, while O-Den leers at Sham and tries to shut out Squeaky's constant "Let's kill Fill now. Let's do it now. I want to vanquish Fill now". Squeaky drinks two glasses of cheap Chardonnay and does her drunk acting for us. Whoopee.

Denman moans to Shazza about O-Den bossing him around. Shazza tells him to grow up and Denman stomps out, shouting: "and he didn't choose that bracelet, Vickney did! And I wish I'd never been born and I hate you all"

O-Den disappears halfway through the party, and Shazza finds him licking Sham's face in the office. Even Vickney is perturbed by this. Meanwhile another blonde hurls herself at DJ Ross (Teen is unwell), but this time Kellay sees him. Oh no, Kellay!

Slutty and Byrite turn up for the party and see Fool in the queue. Byrite swishes past Fool and jumps the queue. Fool tries to do the same, but Denman informs him that his face doesn't fit, and anyway, Byrite is the new Mad Frankie Knuckles in town. Fool is shocked. Shocked!