KELLAY’S HEROES
Vickney (is that tortoiseshell cat hair for real?) decides to find out the identity of the Evil Drug Fiend for herself. Well, since this is the EEverse and nobody under 25 apart from Scalliq or MMartin so much as touches anything harder than Nurofen, there are two possible options, and one of them is in Scotland right now.

O-Den and Denman watch the CCTV video and decide that the EDF is MY Gus because…well…he walked in with Kellay, so it stands to reason, doesn’t it? O-Den questions MY Gus, who does very well not to thump him, but retains his saintly demeanour and probably goes home to write a poem about it. Vickney pumps Kellay for information, but Kellay’s not talking – after all there might be a deaf hamster somewhere in the Square who doesn’t know about her Secret Prostitution Shame. Never mind, Vickney works it out for herself (see above) and honey traps Scalliq at Weird Family Central. Scalliq is just about to offer her a cut of his Evil Esandwhizz trade when O-Den enters in Full Avenging Angel mode, takes the droocks, and throws Scalliq onto a skip. Kellay is happy. Hurrah! But O-Den is angry at Vickney’s apparent attempt to market Ecstasy into the only drug-free nightclub in London. Oh come on Den, she probably can’t even spell it.

O-Den tells Squeaky to stop drinking. Squeaky gets drunk, thinks that O-Den and Denman fancy her, fails to get a call from MiniFill/Kyert, gets drunker. Denman takes her home and Squeaky starts rubbing herself up against him. Denman scarpers. Squeaky is sad.

It’s Juhneen’s birthday, and Baz has gone overboard as usual. There’s a huge pile of presents that even an only child would think was a bit much (including a set of embroidered pink towels…nice), and a “Happy Birthday Juhneen” banner hung outside the house. Needless to say Juhneen cowers inside, too ashamed to come out. Even Rickay appears with a home-made card and tells her that she might be a money-grabbing ho, but she’s still his sister after all. Bad Brutha gives Juhneen a nice necklace that she pretends comes from Diane – who’s still doing panto in Bognor, I think. Over dinner, Bazza declares his love for Juhneen and demands that she say it back (ummm…Baz…you don’t learn, do you?). Juhneen looks conflicted, but manages to spit out the words without Bad Brutha’s necklace suddenly closing upon her deceitful little throat.

Evil Gavin reveals a Winston-Smith-ish fear of rats. Ash looks “thoughtful”. He also needs to wash his hair sometime.

Poline’s “Get Gay Pike to jump back over the fence” campaign continues as she declares her secret intention to find his long-lost children. Oh no. I think this is the Archers-style public information bit because Vickney suddenly proves to be a mine of useful information on the subject. Dot doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

Slutty is having a Bridezilla fit, and all the Slaters rally round to offer previously unheard-of skills in buttonhole-making and bridesmaid dress-sewing etc. Byrite Andy wants her to give up working in the Vic, because gangsters’ molls don’t do that sort of work – they become drunken nightclub singers or rattle around their Chigwell mansions, eyeing up the pool boy.

Slutty, however, doesn’t want to leave Fool on his own with Backstreet and Ethel 2.0. I predict that Fool will be biffed to death by specially trained ninja kittens in the near future.