BAZZA'S BIRTHDAY BONKBUSTER
Yes, Bazza is a Virgo. How appropriate. He gets a lovely framed picture from Nat and Bazlet. Nat seems to have let the highlights grow out and her hair seems to be the same mousey brown as Juhneen. Soon Baz won't be able to tell them apart - oh no, that's right: Nat is the long-suffering skinny one with a line in pink cardigans; Juhneen is the plumptious leather-clad sex-minx. Juhneen has returned from her weekend with Bad Brutha only to find Baz ready to hump her leg in the middle of the street and demanding Special Birthday Sex. She gets him a watch from Mullet Boy's dodgy watch stall - which turns out to be a mine of non-comedy action, complete with Bad Brutha nearly missing his cue to save Juhneen from another night of Special Birthday Baz Love. They get Baz sleepy drunk and run off to have classy vertical sex behind the dining-room partition. She'll go through that glass if you're not careful, Bad Brutha.

Sullen: "Nobody loves me". That's right Sullen, because you're an child-hating, intolerant, hypocritical old misery. Slutty gets a huge bunch of roses and twinkles about, thinking they're from Fool. Fool is nonplussed when Slutty asks him about them. Later, Mr Byrite Andy worms his way into the Slater home and tells Slutty how much he likes the cut of her jib. Slutty looks cross and throws him out - but only after he says: "I'll be back, little lady. You're a spunky one and that's for sure". Slutty is still cross.

Shirley moans to Pat about having to listen to the Datsuns at 3am. It's Pat's turn to be Advice Lady today, and she tells Shirley to call the council. Nasty neighbour steals 5p off Shirley at the market stall, just to prove how nasty he is. Lock up your adorable cat Shirley, before it's too late!

The M-Martin tedium continues with M-Martin looking stricken and cowardly and whining at Poline. Gay Pike agrees eventually to take the rap (why???) and Poline looks relieved. M-Martin sneaks out to celebrate with Asif and looks unrepentant.

Mr and Mrs Potatohead's wedding preparations continue. Minty seems to have found a bunch of people who owe Fill money and are prepared to pretend to be his friends for the stag night - as long as he ends up naked and chained to a lamp post in Riga.

NC wrinkly sex sub-plot alert. TriniDad's been getting letters from Bajan Rum Lady, and the entire square has been involved in writing the replies - even Drippy, who quoted Byron at him in a Dot-like fashion. Erm...that's it.