NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEN
By Mark
I miss the beginning but apparently Shazza goes to pray by the canal or something and is taunted by young ruffians. When I get home; Billy, Sham and Denman are in the club. Denman is telling Billy that he’s sacked and that he should take the £2K for his shares and then do one. Billy is all whimpering about how his entire sense of self esteem and personal identity are tied up in owning three shares in a poxy East end nightclub. Pitiful.

Sham starts shouting at Denman and tries to get him to hit her so that she has an excuse to get Fill to beat him up again. Denman points out that only Fill beats women. Sham turns her bitch up to 11 and says that the mitchells are a proper family (zzzz) and that Denman is just the pitiful bastard son of a Channel 5 gameshow presenter. Yeah, well at least he isn’t an imposter who kidnapped the real Sam and posted her to the tropics to eat worms with assorted ex cricketers and TV presenters. Denman runs away and bumps into Fill and the fellow members of his Clone Army/club for fat bald men who love other fat bald men. They make fun of him too so he goes home. Sham is nice to Billy and says that he should be happy that Drippy loves him.

Sham has a run in with Poline. Poline says that Denman and Vickney are annoying because they inherited it from O-Den. Shazz starts shouting that O-Den was her dad and he lurved her and asks Poline where her kids inherited their annoyingness from. She goes home and sees that Denman is sitting in the dark looking moody. Also he can’t even open a childproof bottle of pills, which is not very impressive. Denman asks why shazza is still pretending to mourn Brave Hero Fireman Tom and starts going on about how could Shazza have gone out with Fill and asks if she really loved him. Shazza says sarcastically that she was just using Fill for sex so Denman says “use me instead”. I wouldn’t say no but Shazza does. She is all “It would be sick and wrong!” Denman gets hopped up on painkillers and goes on about how he lies on the couch every night, imagining Shazza in bed and touching himself lewdly (well, not the last bit). The acting is not bad. He says that Shazza wants it too. Shazza doesn’t say anything so Denman’s voice goes all shakey and he says he is moving out. Shazza grabs him and they start snogging. Ewwwww.

Cut to in bed with Shazza looking perturbed and Denman all happy that he has just had freakish, crypto-incestuous sex. He seems all excited by the thought of everyone in the Square finding out. Shazza has that typical TV bedding that covers a woman to the neck but only comes up to the man’s waist. Shazza runs away to the club on a pretext and Denman comes with her and makes her hold his hand. Great, not only is Shazza’s new boyfriend her BROTHER, he also is clingy and possessive and won’t give her any personal space. Score! When they get to the Club, Vickney is there (which doesn’t really make sense but never mind). She is all happy and says she has got a surprise for Shazza –she’s in love with her and wants to shag her too! Not really. Original Den steps out of the shadows and says “Hello Princess!” Finally.