CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DOPE FIEND
Juhneen is sick of Baz running up to her and humping her leg all the time. He suggests that they have a romantic holiday together and says it doesn't matter where they go as they will never leave their hotel room. Vommmm. Juhneen decides to go away with Bad Bro instead and makes up some lie about a friend oop north. Baz says "cool, I'll come with you!" Juhneen goes crying to Bad brother so he dissuades Baz from going by saying that he is too clingy and is going to ruin everything and then runs off with Juhneen himself.

Shirley continues to be annoyed by noisy neighbour. Dadvis thinks that Shirley is playing hard to get.

Fill and Bridezilla worry about whether or not Babs is going to come back from Brasil for the wedding. Hopefully she will come back wearing a fabulous Carmen Miranda style wig with pineapples in it. Fill says he will feel like a big, fat, red, pig face, grunting loser if only Billy and Sham can come from his family (maybe I added a couple of extra adjectives there). They have a brief game of "my parents are more horrible than yours." Kyert says that her dad is the worst parent ever.

Drippy's only function tonight is to squeal over Billy getting his pics in the paper and to take all day to guess one crossword clue.

Everyone teases Billy about featuring in The Most Provincial Local Paper Ever. For no particular reason he tells the whole pitiful story of Shiny Suit Andy to Slutty. Slutty "reasons" that because she hasn't heard anyone in the pub talking about Andy that therefore he isn't a proper gangsta. She goes to confront him in the club and says "Oi, stop bullying my mate, you big bully" Andy looks at her like "this one's got moxie!" Meanwhile, Billy discovers that Mr Byrite Andy is actually Mad Frankie Knuckles 2: Electric Boogaloo and runs to the club to grovel at his feet. Andy tries to look scary for a bit and then laughs all "how I toy with these puny mortals!" He says that he doesn't care about the club and Billy any more but that Slutty is a fine, spirited filly. Or something.

M-Martin spends all day trying to get out of going to the cops to confess all. He "reasons" that because he knows he did a bad thing that that should be the end of the matter. Gay Pike disagrees, unsurprisingly. M-Martin sits on Losers Bench and his bottom lip starts trembling. Him and Fool bond about the horrors of the penal system. M-Martin goes
home and prepares to run away but Poline catches him and plays the all-my-kids-abandon-me card. Martin starts whittering on about how he can't go back to prison. Oh, save it for the judge, grass-hopper. Blah blah, crying himself to sleep in his cell, having to shower cautiously, blah blah. He ends up crying in Poline's arms. If you can't do the time then don't do the crime, daddio!